Tag: Kate McKinnon

Family Feud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 19

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Thor… Alex Moffat

Thanos… Beck Bennett

Okoye… Ego Nwodim

Groot… Leslie Jones

Brienne… Kate McKinnon

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Melisandre… Cecily Strong

Bran… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with C-SPAN show intro]

Narrator: You’re watching C-SPAN. Normally we would have shown you footage from Attorney General William Barr’s congressional testimony but Barr decided not to show up. And then the democrats chose to do some light prop comedy with a bucket of chicken. The whole thing was so depressing that we’d rather focus on the two things all American’s can get behind. ‘Game Of Thrones’ and ‘Avengers’.

[Cut to Family Feud set]

Announcer: It’s Family Feud and here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Yes, indeed. All right. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. I am Steve of house mustache. Today we got ‘The Avengers’ versus ‘Game Of Thrones’. All right. Let’s start with the Avengers because this show is just like their movies. We’re gonna open with 45 minute of introductions. All right. First of, the sexiest man in the Renaissance fair, its Thor.

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: Good day, Steve. It’s good to be handsome. I’m a god and I’m from space.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you’re a scientologist? Okay, next, we got swole grimace is Thanos.

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: Yes. I want my big fancy glove. [Shows his gauntlet] Does it make me look pretty?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I don’t want to burst your bubble but I saw that thing on QVC. All right. Next, she a warrior from Wakanda. It’s okay-doky.

[Cut to Okoye]

Okoye: My name is Okoye. It is truly an honor to be here fighting an epic battle that is the feud of families.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Mm, mm, mm. Bald is beautiful. Girl, you make a good dog want to break it’s chain. All right. finally, who we got down there on the end there?

[Cut to Groot]

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I feel like you can look at that poster and just know that’s wrong. All right, let’s go to the Game of Thrones side. I got to be honest, I didn’t see the last episode. I mean, I watched it but I couldn’t see it. You know it’s dark when you can’t even see the white people. All right. First up, lady Brienne of Tarth.

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: Actually, sir Brienne. I don’t if you saw, but I was recently knighted. Not that I care but it was like the highest honor of my life. I even allowed myself to smile.[Brienne smiles]

[Tormund Giantsbane joins Brienne]

Tormund Giantbane: Isn’t she a snack.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, damn. Who are you?

[Cut to Tormund Giantsbane]

Tormund Giantsbane: I’m Tormund Giantsbane. I killed a giant, crawled into bed with his wife and drank her milk. She thought I was a baby. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Okay, playa. I like the big girls too. All right. Next, we got a thousand year old witch, Melisandre.

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: Hello, Steve. This show is dark and full of terrors.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: You sound like my agent. Are you really a thousand years old? How come you look so good?

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: [Looks sideways] Maybe it’s magic. [Melisandre smiles][Bumper sound “maybe it’s Maybelline” plays]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: No, it’s definitely magic. Girl, you take that necklace off or you’re gonna turn into old lady. But I know how it is. I take off this shirt and I just pummel out into a poop emoji. And finally, every family got that weird brother. This is Bran.

[Cut to Bran]

Bran Stark: Hello, Steve. I have to go now. [Bran starts to use his warg power]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Woo, somebody got that good weed. All right. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Cut to everybody getting ready for the game]

[Brienne and Thos walks to the stage with Steve]

Brienne: Greetings.

Thor: Tarth, good on ya.

Steve Harvey: All right. Top six answers on the board. After ten years, both your franchises are coming to an end. Name something you might put on your bucket list. [Breinne presses the button] Brienne?

Brienne: I don’t need a lot, I’m a low maintenance girl. Armour, short hair– I don’t know. [Cut to Brienne] Jamie Lannister, one night, three hands, no rules. [Brienne smiles]

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Trying to creep with your freakin’ friends.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Okay, not up there. [Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor] Over to Thor. What’s on your bucket list. Playboy?

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: I must reforge the rainbow bridge, the shining city of Valhalla.

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some kind of white nonsense.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Okay, all right.

[Steve walks to team Avengers]

Team Avengers, you’re on the board. Let’s go over to Thanos. What’s on your bucket list?

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: I’ve already collected all the infinity stones. So I guess all that’s left is get off the HGH.

[Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos]

Steve Harvey: I knew there was something going on. You got that Berry Bond’s chin. Show me too old to be that jacked.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not there. [Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos] All right. Let’s go over Okra. What’s on your bucket list?

Okoye: Steve, [Cut to Okoye] it’s Okoye. I am a Dora Milaje warrior. But just one day I would like to put on a pair of sweatpants, eat a cheesy gordita crunch and watch eight hours of Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Beach Club’.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye]

Steve Harvey: Okay, then. Show me how Okra got her groove back.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not that either. [Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye] All right. One strike left. Let’s go over here to the giving tree or whoever this is. Give me something on your bucket list.

[Cut to Groot[

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos, Okoye and Groot]

Steve Harvey: Just cause you say it don’t make it true. Show me middle aged lady in a Halloween costume.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, man, that’s three. [Steve Harvey walks to team Game of Thrones] All right, Game of Thrones. Your chance to steal. What’s on your bucket list? Give me some answers.

[Cut to Steve and team Game of Thrones]

Bran Stark: Move my face.

Melisandre: See my old boobies.

Tormund Giantsbane: Big girl.

Steve Harvey: All right. Brienne, what’s it gonna be, player?

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: They’re all noble answers but none are invincible. I do fear that the feud is lost.

[Arya Stark joins]

Arya Stark: Not today. It’s I, Arya Stark.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Right on time again. What’s on your bucket list?

Arya Stark: Well, Steve, [Cut to Brienne and Arya] as the battle approaches and you stand to an endless night, there is but one thing a girl must do.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, say no more. I saw what you did in that episode. Show me, getting that booty.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Oh, number one answer, [Cut to Steve] all right. Let’s take a break. Stay tuned for a post credit scene where me and Black Panther sings the songs of Jodeci.

[Everybody joins]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Fashion Coward – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of exclusive fashion commercial]

Heidi Gardner: I let my look do the talking.

Ego Nwodim: My body is my canvas, and my clothes is my paint.

Narrator: When it comes to fashion, there’s no risk you won’t take. Well, congrats on being hot, but this ain’t for you. [Cut to a simple clothing store] Introducing fashion coward, the only stor for people who hate shopping and feel lost and scared, with clothes that suggest the general idea of a person. So many shirts are almost normal, but then they go like this. [Kate wearing a simle shirt with a knot at the bottom] We keep it safe with things like brown sweater, navy shirt, pants for the legs and one black dress that says keep it moving.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim from exclusive fashion commercial]

Ego Nwodim: My style tells a story.

[Cut to Emma in the simple clothing store]

Emma Stone: Same. My story is I’m a stranger to myself.

Aidy Bryant: I go in cruises with my parents.

Kate McKinnon: Ideal juror.

Narrator: Can’t decide between buttons and no buttons? We split the diff with a whole lot of this. [Cut to clips of shirts with half trail buttons] That’s a half trail of buttons that say – Bail! Bail, bail, bail. And you got to try on our big gray zip-up sweatshirt [Cut to clips of oversized hoodies] that doubles as a real life invisibility cloak. Try it on in our coward proof fitting room. As a child, you were humiliated in a Kohl’s fitting room where your mother said something so harmful, is seared off the top layer of your brain. You’re safe here with things like far mirrors.

[Cut to Kate checking her clothes on a mirror that’s pretty far]

Kate McKinnon: That’ll do.

Narrator: If an item of clothing makes you ask, am I this person?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe for like a rooftop party?

Narrator: It will immediately burst into flames. [The dress burns itself] Decisions are hard. That’s why if you take more than seconds to decide if you want something, the fitting room emits a mercy gas that knocks you out. [Kate faints] Then you’re carried home by a big strong man who shops for you. [Big strong man carrying Kate on his shoulder and choosing clothes for her] And we don’t sell swimsuits. You know why. [Cut to Kate, Aidy and Emma. They are very happy] Fashion coward.

The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays]

[Cut to Megal peeking at her]

[Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn]

[Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone]

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair]

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy]

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]

Royal Baby Video – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

21 Savage… Chris Redd

James Corden… Aidy Bryant

Tinsley Granger… Emma Stone

Ringo Starr… Pete Davidson

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of The Duke and Duchess’ Estate]

[Cut to Prince Harry vlogging in a his baby shower]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy Prince Harry, a.k.a. the Ginger of Windsor, a.k.a. Redhead Redemption 2. I am making this video for you, my future child, to watch when you’re older. We’re going to do a private birth for you, keeping it low-key. But we are having a big baby shower, and I wanted you to come out and see all the people who came to celebrate you. So come on, let’s take a lap. Come on. [Prince Harry walks to his dad Prince Charles] Oh, here we go. Come on. Your grandpa, Prince Charles, right? Say hello, Dad.

Prince Charles: Hello.

Prince Harry: Do you want to say anything to your future grandchild?

Prince Charles: Yes, hello.

Prince Harry: All right. Well said, dad. The people’s prince. [Prince Harry walks away] All right. Who else have we got? Oh, no, there’s James Corden. He’s been at a ten since he got here. [James Corden is dancing and singing] Yeah, yeah. Don’t let him see the camera. He’ll be on us all night, all right? We’re going to meet my brother, your uncle William. Now, I told him it was an ‘80s costume party. He bought it. Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Mercury. [Prince William is dressed up like Freddie Mercury] Freddie Mercury. You did it. You brought a mic stand.

Prince William: Yes. Don’t I look a pratt. Good evening, my brother. What a fool?

Prince Harry: Oh, he’s mad. Luckily anger is like your hair. Easy come—easy go.

Prince William: Bravo.

Prince Harry: So you brought a gift there.

Prince William: I did, yes. [Prince William shows a baby clothes] A hilarious onesie.  “Keep calm and change my nappy.”

[Kate Middleton joins them]

Kate Middleton: All right. William, darling, tell him about the other gift.

Prince William: Oh, right. Also we bought the baby a house.

Prince Harry: Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Prince William: I’ll go get the keys. He’s going to love it. It’s huge.

[Prince William leaves]

Prince Harry: Here she is, your aunt Kate Middleton. The papers keep saying she’s feuding with your mum, but that’s not true.

Kate Middleton: No, we’re not feuding. Why? Why would we? Because I follow all the strict rules and she doesn’t, and people love her for it? I love that. Excuse me.

[Kate Middleton leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Look who it is fresh off being deported from the US, [Prince Harry runs into 21 Savage] 21 Savage. How different is England from Atlanta, mate?

21 Savage: A lot.

Prince Harry: All right. Still pretty cool though, right?

21 Savage: Nah.

[21 Savage leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. It will grow on you, mate. Oh, James Corden, James Corden. Duck, duck.

[Prince Harry and camera man are hiding. James Corden is looking for them.]

James Corden: Oh, I saw a camera somewhere.

Prince Harry: Picked up the scent. [James Corden is gone] All right. Come on, come on. All right. Look who it is. [Prince Harry runs into Tinsley Granger. She is having champagne. She is a bit drunk] It’s one of my ex-girlfriends, excellent. Ms. Tinsley Granger Gash. Hi Tins. You want to say something to my future child?

Tinsley Granger: Oh! [Tinsley Granger speaks very close to the camera] Hello, little baby. Hello lonely tiny baby.

Prince Harry: A little close, Tins. [Prince Harry pulls Tinsley backwards]

Tinsley Granger: Your dad broke up with me on Whatsapp.

Prince Harry: Okay. So how have you been, Tins?

Tinsley Granger: Splendid, Harry. Splendid. I’m so busy and happy. I’m glad we didn’t make it, Harry. I don’t want to be a duchess and live in a huge house for free. Hi, little baby.

Prince Harry: Maybe ease off the champagne a little bit there.

Tinsley Granger: Kiss me on the mouth, Harry. I’m joking. Do it, though. I’m joking. I’m dating someone anyway. He was in ‘Harry Potter’.

Prince Harry: Oh, who did he play?

Tinsley Granger: Hagrid.

Prince Harry: I’m sorry, what?

Tinsley Granger: [In loud voice] Hagrid.

Prince Harry: Oh, Hagrid, awesome. He’s great. All right, fantastic. Better be off. Thank you Tins.

Tinsley Granger: Bye little baby.

[Prince Harry walks away from Tinsley Granger]

Prince Harry: Stop talking to my future child. Beatle alert, Ringo Starr.

[Ringo Starr passes by the camera]

Ringo Starr: Peace and love.

Prince Harry: All right. I kind of wish it was Paul, but anyway, let’s keep moving. Looking for James Corden. Do not see him, so come on.

[Prince Harry runs into Charlie]

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, Harry, my man. How is it going? Nice to finally meet you. I’m Charlie. I’m a friend of Meghan’s mom.

Prince Harry: All right. Hey, anything to say to my future child?

Charlie: Oh, sure, sure. How is it going there? There’s a chance that you’re going to come out with usual mama’s skin on the bottom and your daddy’s bright red hair on the top. Yeah, that’s right. You might be black ginger. That’s right. And that’s amazing. You’re going to be like a unicorn. It’s going to be you and Blake Griffin. All right. Stay in school and study hard. Actually, that won’t matter for you. You’re rich and famous. You already hit the lottery. All right. I’ll see you later, kid. Charlie out.

[Charlie leaves]

Prince Harry: All right, that was fun. Let’s go look at your gifts. [Prince Harry opens the door and goes inside the room full of gifts] Look at all these gifts. We’re going to donate most of these. [Prince Harry runs into Ego Nwodim] Oh, I’m sorry.

Ego Nwodim: Sorry. I’m Meghan’s cousin. I needed a breather. It’s real British in there. There was a guy wearing a tux eating a sandwich that was just mayonnaise. That’s maximum British.

Prince Harry: It is, yeah.

Ego Nwodim: Anyway, I’ll get out of here.

[Ego Nwodim leaves]

Prince Harry: Yeah, it’s fine. It’s fine. Sorry. All right. We’re going to donate –

[Sound coming from the pile of gifts]

Queen Elizabeth: Help me.

Prince Harry: Oh, someone’s trapped under the gifts. [Prince Harry finds Queen Elizabeth on the floor] Oh, my god, it’s grandma. Grandma, you’re on the floor. What’s going on?

[Prince Charles comes in]

Prince Charles: What happened? Am I king?

Prince Harry: No. Dad, she’s fine.

Prince Charles: Oh, well, good. [Prince Charles leaves]

Prince Harry: Grandma, what happened?

Queen Elizabeth: I was snooping trying to see what the Clooneys got you when an avalanche of boxes hit me.

Prince Harry: Be careful. You want to say hello to your future grandchild?

Queen Elizabeth: Well, hello. Welcome to the family. I already love you with all my heart.

Prince Harry: Oh, grandma.

Queen Elizabeth: Even though you’re half American, which means you’re half traitor.

[Queen Elizabeth leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Thank you, gran. All right. Last stop, [Prince Harry walks to another door] your mom was taking a little nap in here. So let’s see if she’s awake. She’s absolutely gorgeous. Let’s go see your mom, come on. [ Prince Harry opens the door] Meghan love, are you—[James Corden shows up inside the door]

James Corden: Ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Oh no. James Corden

James Corden: I knew it.

Prince Harry:James Corden. Cut it! Cut it!

[The video cuts]

Emma Stone Four-Timers Monologue – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone. [Cheers and applause]

[Emma comes in from the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you, thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. And before we get started, I just wanted to test the sound levels. So, BTS is here! [Cheers and applause] Okay. Are the microphones okay? Everyone’s okay? Okay, good. Okay, good. We’re good to go. Great. SNL has always been such a huge part of my family’s life. My grandpa Donald and my grandma Nene introduced it to my mom and her siblings. And then my mom introduced it to me and we especially loved Gilda Radner, who made us laugh nonstop. And it became a huge dream to even be anywhere near this place and tonight is my fourth time hosting. [Cheers and applause] And my mom and Nene are both here to see it. So, my real family is meeting my SNL family. It’s a really special night. And I know the fifth time is the big one where they pull out all the stops and they induct you into the five-timers club. I have seen some of the cast walking around the whispering like they’re kind of—I don’t know, planning something for my fourth show. I don’t know. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. But I they did, I just hope they don’t go too overboard, you know? Oh, Kenan. Hey, Kate. Get over here.

[Kenan and Kate join Emma on stage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?

Emma Stone: Are you guys planning something for me?

Kate McKinnon: Such as?

Emma Stone: Guys, just please promise me you’re not going to sing some special song that you wrote just for me for my fourth show.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, we promise.

Kate McKinnon: Hard promise.

Emma Stone: Because, even though I know you play guitar.

Kate McKinnon: Kind of.

[Emma passes a guitar to Kate]

Emma Stone: Like this one for instance, it’s okay if you didn’t write a song for me. Like that was silly for me to even think something like that. That was silly.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, no. We could—we’ll do – we have a special song.

Kenan Thompson: Yes. Yes, we do. We wrote it and here it is.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. I asked you not to do this. What?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nice.

Kate McKinnon: I remember

Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon: When she used to host
And now she’s hosting
Oh, Emma, she hosts
Oh, Emma, she hosts

Kenan Thompson: There you go. Thank you very much.

Emma Stone: That was so sweet. An original song just for me. Thank you. Thank you. But you swear you didn’t get me any like thoughtful presents or anything, right?

[Aidy Bryant joins the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yes. Yes. It’s actually – it’s – [Cut to Emma and Aidy] yeah. It’s time for the gifts that of course we have planned for you. So, I got you this beautiful silver bracelet.

Emma Stone: Oh, Aidy, I love it. You had it engraved. That’s so sweet. Penicillin allergy. That’s so cool. [Cut to everybody] You guys are amazing. That’s amazing. But don’t have any like special guests here to surprise me or something, do you?

Aidy Bryant: Yes. Yes. We –

Emma Stone: What? We definitely do.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, but you know what? They are very shy.

Kate McKinnon: So you’ll need a blindfold.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Emma puts on a blindfold]

[Kenan bring Melissa to the stage]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, we found someone very cool, folks, who just happened to be in town. This is Owen Wilson.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Mimicking Owen Wilson] Hey, Emma, wow, way to go.

Emma Stone: That’s cool. Hey, Owen.

Kenan Thompson: And this is Ash from pokemon.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, it’s Ash Ketchum. You’re my favorite pokemon.

Emma Stone: That’s a cartoon.

Kenan Thompson: But we saved the best for last. Oprah.

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t have an Oprah. You do it.

[Kyle Mooney joins the stage]

Kyle Mooney: [Trying to mimic Oprah] Wow, so many cars born in Chicago.

Emma Stone: Wait. Is this Kyle? [Emma opens her blindfold] Oh, my god. You guys got Kyle? This is officially the best night of my life.

[Chris comes to the stage with a denim jacket with 4 written on it with a marker]

Chris Redd: Don’t forget the four timer jacket.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. Wow. Thanks guys. Oh, my god. We got a great show. BTS is here. Kyle is here. [Cheers and applause] So, stick around. We’ll be right back. You got Kyle?

 

Jail Cell Cold Open – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prison Guard … Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aunt Becky …Kate McKinnon

Brother Wallace

Michael Avenatti … Pete Davidson

Julian Assange …Michael Keaton

Tekashi 69 … Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: Brought to you by MSNBC. Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero. Right now it’s Lock Up, Chino correctional facility.

[Cut to prison guard and Chris. Prison guard is locking Chris in jail.]

Prison Guard: Good luck in there. And, hey, have fun.

Chris Redd: Yeah, thanks. [Chris walks in the jail] I really appreciate that.

[Cut to Chris, Kenan and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you in here for?

Chris Redd: Little robbery. Ain’t going to stick though. How about you, little man?

Kyle Mooney: What the hell did you just say? [Kyle stands with rage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, both of you all sit down.

Kyle Mooney: I’m in here for assault, bitch. You want a reenactment.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey!

Chris Redd: What about you, old man?

Kenan Thompson: Old man? Son, I’m the craziest dude in here. Stabbed my neighborhood to death and then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.

Chris Redd: Damn, that’s insane.

[Aunt Becky walks in]

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC.

Chris Redd: Wait, what?

Aunt Becky: You heard me. [Cut to Aunt Becky, Chris and Kenan] I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.

Kenan Thompson: Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah. And that’s not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?

Aunt Becky: Communications. Yeah. And you know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.

Kenan Thompson: Stop it. I can’t hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!

Aunt Becky: Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-k.

Chris Redd: Wait a second. Are you Aunt Becky?

[Aunt Becky takes a pencil out and points it towards Chris to stab him]

Aunt Becky: Say that again?

Chris Redd: All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is it Lori? Do I call you Lori?

Aunt Becky: No, no. I have a new name now.

Brother Wallace: Brother Becky.

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Brother Wallace]

Aunt Becky: Yes, Brother Wallace.

Brother Wallace: You forgot your Kufi?

Aunt Becky: I did? Well, to quote Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”

[Cut to everybody. Brother Wallace leaves.]

Chris Redd: Wait. So you’re in the nation of Islam now?

Aunt Becky: That’s right. [Aunt Becky sits beside Chris] I bought my way in for 100 grand. Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the White Devil.

Kenan Thompson: Man, [Cut to Kenan and Kyle] you won’t survive in here more than a week?

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Chris]

Aunt Becky:  Oh, really? You think prison is hard. I have done 68 hallmark movies, I have seen hell man! And in half of those hallmark movies I marry Santa’s son, so I have lost all sense of reality. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut it out.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Damn, yo, I think being on a sitcom for 12 years drove her crazy.

[Michael comes in.]

Michael Avenatti: Did somebody say crazy?

Chris Redd: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you’re damn right, baby.

Chris Redd: Wait. [Cut to Chris and Kenan] How do you know this fool?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I watch a lot of Morning Joe. I’m team Mika.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: You’re a lawyer. What are you in here for? Speeding tickets?

Michael Avenatti: Speeding tickets? Bitch, I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, [Cut to Michael] like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. [Cut to everybody] And I’m so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. [Cut to Michael] And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.

[Cut to everybody]

Aunt Becky: Okay, he wins. He’s the craziest.

[Cut to Julian]

Julian Assange: Is he, though?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Yo, is that Julian Assange?

Julian Assange: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, that makes sense. I was going to say Santa’s back on crack.

Julian Assange: That’s right. It’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy. I’m the king of chaos. I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

[Kyle walks to Julian]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah? What’s the big deal? Old man doesn’t look so tough.

Julian Assange: You want to throw down, amigo? [Cut to Julian and Kyle] You want to? I hope you’re proud of every single photo in your iPod because , boom, all your ding dong pics just went on the internet.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, right.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you remember that notes folder you had? What was that called? Ideas for shark tank.

Kyle Mooney: How did you know about that?

Julian Assange: I know everything, baby.

Kyle Mooney: But my password has letters and numbers.

[Cut to everybody]

Julian Assange: Now, you sons of bitches want to hear how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. [Cut to Julian] I’m wanted in the US and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuqador. You try figuring that one out. [Cut to everybody] Yeah, you cheat your schools and you know you rob your companies. [Cut to Julian] That’s cute. It is, yeah. I’ve attacked the US military bitches, because I’m an actual James Bond super villain and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you want to get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Avenatti: Okay. He wins. I yield my time.

Julian Assange: Thank you. [Cut to Julian] Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there in the corner.

Chris Redd: Yeah, but watch out for that dude, man, because he must be in here for something crazy.

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

[Cut to Chris and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! You mean Takashi 69? Hey, Tekashi, you in here for something crazy?

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Tekashi 69: Nah, just robbery and gun stuff. It’s stupid!

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Michael Avenatti: We may both regret this but Takashi, do you need a lawyer? See, prison’s fun.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Theresa May | Season 44 Episode 17

Theresa May… Kate McKinnon

Sara Bareilles

[Starts with video clips of reports from different news channels]

Channel 1: Today should have been Brexit day. That’s what Theresa May has promised.

Channel 2: She came up short.

Channel 3: She’s made a terrible mess.

Channel 4: Theresa May.

Channel 5: Teresa May–

Channel 6: –is not exactly dealing with Winston Church.

Channel 7: She’s proved herself to be one of the most worst Prime Minis—

[Theresa May turns off the TV]

[Music starts playing]

[Sara Bareilles is singing and playing a piano. Music video has Theresa May’s different video clips]

Sara Bareilles: [Singing] It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

[Theresa May is walking in the streets of London. People are staring at her with disappointed face.]

It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help


She is messy, but she’s kind

[Theresa May greets the guards, but they show her their middle fingers]

She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a really bad life

[Theresa May googles herself, it shows 0 results]

She is gone, but she used to be mine

It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true

And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck

[Theresa May dances with a man]

And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone,

[Theresa May kisses the man]

but used to be mine

Used to be mine

[Cut to Theresa May running to Mr. Corbin in a hall full of people]

Theresa May: Mr. Corbin, Mr. Corbin, please, I think I know what to do.

Mr. Corbin: Madam Prime Minister. We’ve already agreed on a solution. Your solution.

Theresa May: What?

Mr. Corbin: You’ve solved Brexit. And you’ve saved Britain. [Everybody in the room cheers]

Sara Bareilles: She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely

[Theresa may wakes up from her sleep. Everything she saw was a dream.]

[Cut to TV, it is still on]

Channel 8: Theresa May is simply not in control of this process.

[Cut to Theresa May]

Theresa May:Well, [Bleep] you. At least I’m trying.

Sara Bareilles: but she used to be mine

Nephew Pageant | Season 44 Episode 17

Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant

Joshua… Kit Harrington

Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong

Devon… Kyle Mooney

Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Lucas… Mikey Day

Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones

Daniel… Chris Redd

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Nephewe Pagent intro]

Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.

[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]

Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.

This is Nephews 2019

Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]

Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.

[Cut to Aunt Carla]

Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.

[Devon joins Aunt Carla]

Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.

Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?

[Cut to Devon]

Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Correct!

[Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]

Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?

Devon: I can fix the printer.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.

[Cut to Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.

[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers

A nephew is a song you can hug

Happy birthday to all the nephews

Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?

[Cut to Lucas]

Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.

[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]

Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.

[Cut to Aunt Ro]

Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.

[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]

Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet

big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones

I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail

Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.

[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]

Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.

[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]

Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: Which one, judge?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy wins.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.

It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA

Joe Biden Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 17

Gary…  Kenan Thompson

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Gwen … Kate McKinnon

Jennifer…  Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Douglas…Leslie Jones

[Starts with Gary and Jackie in Biden Campaign headquarters]

Gary: All right, the vice presidents going to be here in a minute. Do you think we can turn this thing around?

Jackie: Yeah, I hope so. You know, Joe’s a good guy, and he means well. He’s just a little behind the times.

Gary: Yeah, I’m sure this whole ordeal is just tearing him up inside.

[Joe Biden walks in the door]

Joe Biden: Hey, oh! Biden’s here!

[Cut to everybody]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Hi, Jackie, how are you? [Joe starts hugging and Jackie and Gary a little too much] Nice to see you dear. So good to see you. Brother man! Come here Gary, brother. How are you doing?

Gary: Alright, hey I’m good.

Joe Biden: Good to see you.

Jackie: Joe, listen. We need to talk to you about something.

Joe Biden: Oh, I know, it’s about my March Madness bracket, right? Look, I know I had Delaware winning the whole thing even though they didn’t make the tournament this year. But hey, it’s better than last year I picked Amtrak Right?

Gary: Yeah Joe, it’s just about all the touchy feely stuff.

Jackie: If you’re really going to run in 2020, you have to change the way you interact with women.

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, you guys know that I’m a tactical politician, right? Okay? I’m a hugger, a kisser, and a little bit of sniffer. The last thing I ever want to do is offend anyone.

Jackie: Well, and that’s why we’ve brought in a Gwen who handles sensitivity training. And she’s going to explain why some of your behavior crossed the line. Gwen, do you want to come in?

[Cut to Gwen enters the room]

Gwen: Hi, Mr. Biden.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Hey, [Joe shakes his hand with Gwen, then puts his forehead on Gwen’s forehead] it’s really great to meet you, Gwen.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President?

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: One second, I’m just connecting. Sorry for the interruption. Really, truly. Thank you. Now, what were you saying?

Gwen: Yeah, so this is exactly the kind of thing I’m here to prevent.

Joe Biden: Okay, okay. Wait, I think nose to nose is going to be okay. Because look, I did the 23 and the meet thing, like Lizzie– what’s her name, Lizzie Warren, right? It turns out that I’m 1% Eskimo. So, I’m allowed to do the kissing. It’s okay.

Gwen: Okay. Well, ideally when you meet a female stranger for the first time there would be no kisses or hugs of any kind.

Joe Biden: Okay, but that’s a human connection. That’s my whole thing. That’s like telling Mario Batali to take his crocs off. You know?

Gwen: Yeah, I wouldn’t bring him into this.

Joe Biden: Speaking of human connection, why don’t we get some vibes going in here. Hey, [Cut to everybody] Alexa, play Lou Rawls. [Music starts playing]

Jackie: Joe, let’s try to focus.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I can think and shimmy at the exact same time. Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Yeah, Alexa, let’s stop playing Lou Rawls.

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Of all the people, [Cut to Gwen and Joe] come on, Gary.

Gwen: Mr. Vice President, let’s discuss how to properly greet a woman.

Joe Biden: Okay, all right. What about a handshake?

Gwen: Handshake is great.

Joe Biden: Good. Okay, what about during that handshake I tickle her palm, something like that?

Gwen: That’s not great.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Gwen: I would say no tickling at all.

Joe Biden: Really? Even on her birthday? Okay, all right. Now, what if I see someone that’s having a hard day? Bear with me, here. And I cheer her up by lifting up her shirt and blowing on her tummy?

Gwen: Absolutely not.

Joe Biden: Okay. Okay. Let me see what else I got. I am still allowed to do something like that gorgeous lift that they do at the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’, is that still okay?

Gwen: Who would you do that with?

Joe Biden: Hell, I don’t know, whoever’s strong enough to pick any up. I guess. Coal miner, possibly. Linebacker.

Gwen: Joe, I had a hunch you would be more of a learn by doing type. So I invited a couple of female democratic voters here today who are undecided. I thought it would be helpful if you met them and I could give you some notes.

Joe Biden: Okay. Hey, I promise I will listen and try to learn. So, let’s get them in here. Alexa, play ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top, please.

Jackie: No, no, no, no. They don’t need entrance music, Joe.

Gary: Yeah! [Cut to everybody] Alexa, please stop playing ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Great! Our first voter is from Wisconsin–

Joe Biden: Go badges!

Gwen: –which is obviously a battleground state. She was an employee for General Motors until January when they downsized her unit.

Joe Biden: I would like to upsize my unit. That’s not a joke I would make to her. That obviously just stays in the room. That’s just for us.

Gwen: Jennifer, you want to come in?

[Jennifer walks in the room]

Joe Biden: Jenny. [Cut to everybody] Jenny, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, okay? And then what m I doing? Oh, I know, I should probably just cradle her face in my hands, something like that.

Gwen: Definitely not that.

Joe Biden: Oh, right! I got to keep it neutral. Greet her like I’m greeting a guy. [Joe brags Jennifer into his arm and then rubs his knuckle on Jennifer’s scalp] Come here, you son of a bitch.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Hey, hey, hey! Joe, stop that.

[Cut to Jennifer, Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: No, no! I’m just messing around, okay? Let me tell you why you’re going to vote for Biden, okay—[Jennifer punches Joe on his stomach and leaves] Oh! Ha-ha. Well, you know, I would say she’s still on the fence, that’s clear as day. Whoo.

Gwen: I was going to save this one for last but it’s clear nothing is getting through to you. Our next voter is from Oakland, California. She is a software engineer for Oracle.

Joe Biden: Oh, I love ‘The Matrix’, the whole trilogy. It just keeps better as I go.

Gwen: She’s looking for a candidate who can beat Donald Trump.

Joe Biden: Oh, you mean the guy that actually bragged about assault on tape?

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Yes. Yes, but unlike his voters, your voters actually care.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Let’s bring in Mrs. Douglas.

Joe Biden: Show me Mrs. D.

[Mrs. Douglas comes in. She is very tall and big.]

Mrs. Douglas: Excuse me?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry.

Gwen: What do you say now?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t mean to overstep.

Mrs. Douglas: Wait a second, I know who you are. Oh, my god, you’re Obama’s Granddaddy!

[Mrs. Douglas walks to Joe and hugs him]

Joe Biden: I sure as hell am, get in here!

Mrs. Douglas: Oh, I love you!

Joe Biden: Low-fi, come on. [Mrs. Douglas slaps Joe’s butt] Boom, boom.

Mrs. Douglas: I’m so going to vote for you.

Joe Biden: Thank you. I love you, baby. Thank you. Appreciate it. [Mrs. Douglas leaves].  Wow, her thumbs. Whoa.

Gwen: That was not how I wanted that to go. Did we learn anything today?

Joe Biden: Oh, yeah. I mean,  not really, no. But the important thing I think is that I’m listening. I hear you. [Joe starts massaging Gwen] And I feel you.

Gwen: Not the right direction.

Joe Biden: So, come on! Let’s hug it out, America, what do you say? Biden and some woman in 2020, right? We can do this.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Wait! Are you making an official announcement right now?

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Oh, I sure am. Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’!

Bachelorette Party | Season 44 Episode 17

Ego Nwodim

Erin… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Brian… Kit Harrington

Leslie Jones

Melissa Villaseñor

Mary… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a group of ladies having a bachelorette party]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I would like to propose a toast to Erin and Brian.

Everybody: To Erin and Brian.

Erin: Thank you girls so much for throwing me this bachelorette party, it’s so nice having all my girls on one room, my high school friends and my real friends.

Aidy Bryant: What?

[The door knocks]

Ego Nwodim: Who could that be, a surprise visitor?

Erin: Oh, my god, you guys, I said no strippers.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I think you’re going to like this one.

[Ego Nwodim goes to get the door]

Brian: Hello, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Brian, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Ego and Brian]

Brian: Tonight, I’m not just your fiancé. I’m the entertainment.

[Cut to the ladies]

Leslie Jones: Wait, you fiancé is going to strip for you? That’s actually really sweet.

Melissa Villaseñor: And hot. I’ve been thinking I might want to see Brian’s body.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hit it. [Music starts playing] Ladies, prepare yourselves for burlesque!

[Brian opens his jacket and starts dancing slowly. He’s wearing a female stripper’s clothes.]

[Cut to Erin, Ego and Aidy]

Erin: Oh, my god!

Aidy Bryant: Wait. Is that the same thing as stripping?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: The art of slowly wearing less is burlesque. I hope you’re ready for the ‘40s because you’re about to see some bespoke ass. [Brian slaps his own ass]

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Brian, are you wearing heels?

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, just little ones for posture. [Cut to Brian] Now, shh and prepare to edge as you watch me take off my glove. [Brian takes off his gloves]

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: Did he just say edge?

Melissa Villaseñor: Faster! Show us your buddy uddy uddy.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Patience, ladies. Soon Eva Braun will reveal all.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ego Nwodim: And Eva Braun is—

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: My stage name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Eva Braun is Hitler’s girlfriend, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: No, wife.

Brian: I’m so naughty. See my leg, it’s covered in hair.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yes. Thighs are good. Mama like.

Leslie Jones: Is it just me or—is he not really getting naked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: This is burlesque.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, my god, who are you?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: I’m Mary. I teach your husband the art of seducing. Men are not meant for the tease. But, thankfully your husband is no man.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, thank you. I’m sorry, you’re a dance teacher?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Teacher, prostitute, ghost.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Naughty girl, looky looky and you might see my cookie cookie.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Finally. I think he’s going to show us his body.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Very close. It’s actually a tiny fan. [Brian shows a small fan]

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: [Laughs] And he’s still not naked.

[Cut to everybody. Brian jumps on to the table.]

Ego Nwodim: Well, Brian, nice big panties.

Brian: Oh, thanks. I tucked.

Erin: You tucked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Of course he tucked. It must be in the car seat, otherwise it flies through the window.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, no, I felt a pop in my tuck. My tuck is popped and I ducked.

[Mary walks to Brian]

Mary: Just move often to the finale, okay? Look at down there, they are edging so hard.

[Brian jumps off the table]

Brian: This is for my wife.

[Brian opens his clothes. He’s wearing an underwear.] [Everybody cheers]

[Cut to everybody]

[Erin walks to Brian]

Erin: Oh! Brian, my goodness, that was [Cut to Erin and Brian] one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. But you worked so hard on it and you did it for me. And I can’t wait to marry you.

Brian: Thank you, baby. I love you.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, great job. I’m going to be thinking about that body for a long time.

[Cut to Erin and Brian]

Brian: Well, thanks sis.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: That’s your sister?