Tag: Kate McKinnon

Cheques | Season 44 Episode 16

Chris Redd

Sandra Oh

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chris and Sandra at a coffee shop. Chris Redd pays the bill.]

Chris Redd: Thank you.

Sandra Oh: Hey, I’ll send you what I owe you right now. [Sandra uses her phone to send the money to Chris]

Narrator: With services like Venmo and Apple pay, there are so many ways to send money in an instant.

[Cut to Chris. Phone beeps and he checks.]

Chris Redd: Just got it right now, thanks.

[Cut to Chris and Sandra]

Narrator: And While convenience is great, don’t forget, there’s also—

[Cut to a blank cheque] ‘Cheques’.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon writing a cheque] Because there’s nothing like furiously scribbling on a piece of paper, tearing it, flicking your wrist and saying,

Kate McKinnon: I trust this will suffice.

Narrator: Use Cheques for all your payment needs. Including, [Cut to Aidy Bryant writing a cheque] making him leave your daughter.

Aidy Bryant: Take this. Take this and never come back! Don’t pick up her calls. [Aidy Bryant handing over the cheque to a young man] She will be heartbroken but it needs to be done.

[Cut to Sandra Oh writing a cheque]

Narrator: And hushing Mildred.

Sandra Oh: [Sandra Oh handing over the cheque to a young woman] Forget whatever you think you saw last night by the Gazebo.

Kate McKinnon: Cheques!

Narrator: Use cheques for things like [Cut to Aidy walking to a young man] Peter’s birthday.

[Aidy Bryant handing over the cheque to a young man]

Aidy Bryant: For taking my rings off at night.

Narrator: Buying poison.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim mixing the poison off her ring into a teacup]

Ego Nwodim: Just one sip and I become head of the board.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Best of all, Cheques are easy. Here—[Cut to a blank cheque. Sandra Oh explains how to write a cheque.] what day is it. Here—his name. Here—how much. Here—the same but in letters. And here is the secret.

Aidy Bryant: Cheques!

Narrator: A cheque is drama. A cheque is a promise. Get them in baseball, Daffy Duck or Michigan state. And make sure to add the dash after the amount or god knows how many zeros they’ll add. [Ends with a man falling in a swimming pool] Cheques! Available at Ridgewood savings bank.

Test Prep | Season 44 Episode 16

Mrs. H… Sandra Oh

Clark… Aidy Bryant

Ramano… Kate McKinnon

Brett… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Mrs. H teaching in class]

Mrs. H: Okay class, let’s focus up. As you know your SAT2s are this weekend, so let’s review. [Cut to Mrs. H] Who can tell me what the metaphor is in Franz Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis”? [Cut to the students] Anyone? [Cut to Mrs. H] Nobody? How about you, Miss Clark?

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: I guess it’s like [Music starts playing] one day you wake up, and everything’s different. You’re not a kid anymore. No more playing with dolls. Now it’s drinking with beer. Plus someone wrote slut on your locker when you haven’t even kissed a boy. And you just want to go back to how thing were, but things didn’t change, you did.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, pretty close, but the answer was, C, Cockroach. A quick reminder that the SAT2s are multiple choice and what you just said will not fit on a Scranton.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Thanks. I guess you’re right. I should become a writer.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Not what I said, but okay. Moving on, who wants to tell me what the lion symbolizes in ‘Julius Ceasar’? Mr. Ramano?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: All right. I’ll play your little game. [Music starts playing] So you’re a guy, right, and you and your friends, you’re like brothers. You do everything together. Break into houseboats, drink and fight, touching my truck and one day they stab you in the back. So you might as well drop out. Forget about college. Because you’re going to toilet school.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Toilet school like to become a plumber.

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Okay, fine, I didn’t read it.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, why not?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Because I can’t read! Is that what you want to hear? I can see the little squiggles but I can’t make them make sound!

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Clark: Hey, that’s called dyslexic. I could teach you.

Ramano: I don’t need your charity.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Well, it’s not like that. Remember, the night by the football house when you showed me what starts were?

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Ramano: Of course. That’s the night I messed around with your best friend.

Clark: That’s right. My mom.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, yikes! There’s a lot going on in this class, but I’m a sub. So I’m just gonna kick this can down the road. Okay, how about we go over some nice, cold math. Nothing emotional there. Brett, what’s the formula for a parabola?

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: Parabola. [Music starts playing] So you start off, and everything is all up, up and away. You’re on top of the world. Number one in the football team! Major leagues baby! No back up plan. And then you start falling. Fast! Hard! And you end up in– you end up in a place that looks a hell of a lot like where you started.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: None of that was math, and I think you know that.

[Cut to Pete holding his paper]

Pete Davidson: Um, hey, Mrs. H, I finished my practice test. Can I go?

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, are you sure you don’t want to do a big emotional speech for us?

[Cut to Pete holding]

Pete Davidson: No, I’m good. Because I have to be good. [music starts playing] Because my old man used to beat my ass. Yes, sir! No, sir!

Mrs. H: Okay, enough. [Cut to Mrs. H]  You kids think you have problems, I’m not even a real teacher! I just fill in when other teachers have babies or hangovers. It’s like I don’t even exist. And I convinced my husband to open up our marriage, and now he’s cleaning up, and I can’t give it away!

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: [Thinking] Wow, I guess I learned a lot today. But the thing I learned the most was each other.

Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss]

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss]

[Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]

Network Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

Lee Daniels… Kenan McKinnon

Manager… Sandra Oh

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with meeting hall of Empire Fox]

Kate McKinnon: Look, the bottom line is, we don’t want to work with your client anymore.

Manager: Just give Jussie another chance.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: Why? He doesn’t care about this job anymore.

Kate McKinnon: He’s two hours late for this meeting.

Mikey Day: I mean, not to mention, what he’s already put us through.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: Jussie Smollett was a victim.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, please!

[Cut to manager and Lee]

Manager: Mr. Daniels. I have represented Jussie his entire career. I am sure there is a very reasonable explanation for he is so late right now.

Lee Daniels: Well I just hope it’s not some crazy excuse.

[Cut to Jussie enters the room]

Jussie Smollett: I’m so sorry I’m late.

Manager: Oh my god. Are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me.

Ego Nwodim: Not again!

Kate McKinnon: Really?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I know what you’re thinking but it’s not that.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Okay, so what is it?

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: I got attacked again.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Kate McKinnon: That’s exactly what we were thinking, Jussie.

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: Oh, okay good, so you believe me.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: No!

Mikey Day: What is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I just told you I was attacked.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: He meant mentally, Jussie.

Manager: Mr. Daniels, [Cut to Lee, Jussie and his manager] can I have a word with my Client for a second.

Lee Daniels: Yeah, I think you should.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Manager: Jussie–

Jussie Smollett: Don’t worry. I got some hits in too, I’m still the gay Tupac.

Manager: Nobody knows what that means. You can see why this story is hard to believe, right?

Jussie Smollett: Great, my old man doesn’t believe me. [Jussie looks at the bag in his hand] Wait, what the –

Manager: Jussie, what is that?

Jussie Smollett: I think it’s a bag of clues?

Manager: No, Jussie, don’t.

Jussie Smollett: Hang on. Look guys, the killer left me a bunch of clues.

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What killer?

Mikey Day: You’re still alive, Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: It’s only because I fought back because I’m the gay Mike Tyson.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: You see what I mean, we can’t keep this guy around.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Wait, let’s just see what’s in here first. Crest white strips. Wow, what do you think that means?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re black.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Yo, you think it’s racial? Damn!

Manager: Jussie, please, stop.

Jussie Smollett: Shh, there’s more. [Taking letters ‘K’ out from the bag] A ‘K’. Another ‘K’. Three ‘K’s. Like what do you think that means?

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Mikey Day: It’s probably the Ku Klux Klan. Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Really? I thought that was a myth.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie!

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Hang on, there’s more stuff. Oh, a receipt, I need that. Car keys, definitely need those. Oh, a teletubby. And it’s the gay one!

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, this is absolutely ridiculous.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: But, I’m telling the truth, I was attacked.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay, I guess we should just call the police then.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: No, no, no, no, they said I can never call again. That’s part of the deal.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, you know we’ve got to fire you, right?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: What? You can’t fire me. I made this show, man! I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Right, I guess it’s just [Cut to manager and Jussie] you and me then.

Manager: No, I’m firing you.

Jussie Smollett: Okay, fine. I guess I will just be on my way then. [Jussie Smollett leaves the room]

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, that was pretty rough.

Kate McKinnon: Yikes. [Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego] Well, you did the right thing, Lee.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. You definitely did.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: No, I just hope he gets the help he needs.

[Jussie Smollet enters the room again with a neck bandage on]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, come on man!

Jussie Smollett: You’re not going to believe what happened to me this time!

Lee Daniels: Jussie, go home! Just go home!

PowerPoint | Season 44 Episode 15

Beck Bennett

Idris Elba

Bryan… Alex Moffat

Diane… Leslie Jones

Kevin… Chris Redd

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a presentation between staff members]

Beck Bennett: Okay, team, sales core industries.

Idris Elba: And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help your brush up on your Powerpoint skills.

Beck Bennett: Yes, we asked you to pair up and create a mock Powerpoint presentation. We have [Cut to Bryan and Diane] Bryan and Diane from sales. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal] Kevin and Crystal from market research. And, of course, [Cut to Henriette and Nan] Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionist.

Henriette: We don’t even use computers, just use the phone. So, we’ll see.

Nan: Hopefully our natural charm carried us through.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: I’m sure you did great. Let’s see everyone’s first slide. [Cut to Bryan and Diane’s presentation] Oh, wow! Great use of bullet points.

[Cut to Bryan and Diane]

Bryan: Well, what can I say, we make a great team.

Diane: Did we tell you we’re dating?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: A couple of times. Yes. How about you two. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal’s presentation] Okay, a nice border here.

[Cut to Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: Market research bringing our A-game.

Crystal: Whoop-whoop.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Whoop-whoop, it’s right. And, Henrietta and Nan.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan’s presentation. There’s nothing but random boxes.]

Beck Bennett: Okay. You know what, little trouble there. No worries.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan crying]

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Hey, ladies, don’t cry. You did a great job. You’re definitely communicating something.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We’re so sorry.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: What do you think happened?

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: I didn’t even know where to start.

Henriette: This is not my world.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay, ladies, it’s just a practice.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We just kept clicking on what I believe are called Digifiles. And strange things started happening.

Nan: We made trash sir.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just focus on your presentation and see where we can help.

Idris Elba: Is that okay with everybody else?

[Cut to everyone agreeing]

Bryan: Absolutely. Sure.

Diane: Yeah, I got to see this.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Awesome. Well, we asked you to make some slides about things you’re passionate about. So, Henreitta and Nan, let’s check these out. [Cut to slide that says ‘Corn bread’] Corn bread. All right. And you crossed it out.

[Cut to slide that says king a lot of times, carole and there’s a picture of Wayne Brady]

Idris Elba: Okay, it looks like Carole King and I see a small Wayne Brady in the corner.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: But that was already there.

Henriette: Yeah, we actually tried to get rid of him.

Nan: I’m frustrated.

Henriette: Yeah, and now honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I can’t learn.

Nan: We’re going to be fired and slapped.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Okay. That is not going to happen. This is an optional workshop. Next, we asked you to try using a graph of your choice. [Cut to slide that has a picture of a clock] And it looks like you put a clock on a shelf.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: Oh, we fixed it in the next one.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Oh, yes. [The next slide has two clocks] Now there’s two clocks.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Yes, that’s right. There’s one for each of us.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, moving on. A boy with a speaker in his eye.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We thought we could make a music video. We were so arrogant.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay. You aimed high, let’s see where you landed. The word undo and a picture of knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We were trying to undo.

Nan: We kept hitting undo.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: And you added more knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: I’m a total simple turd.

Nan: I’m an idiot bitch.

Henriette: My husband has to tie my shoes in the morning.

Nan: I only went to preschool.

Henriette: I tripped in church and I showed my ass.

Nan: Once I couldn’t figure out how to turn off my radio, so I poured water on it, and I blew up my house.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Ladies you don’t need to do this.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: No, I’m not done. I am not diligent about brushing my teeth. I don’t do it every day or whatever.

Nan: And I wipe as best I can, but there’s always more.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Oh, my god. Stop. Just stop.

Idris Elba: That is enough.

[Cut to Bryan, Diane, Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: I mean we can’t unhear that.

Diane: Whatever? There’s always more?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re done.

Idris Elba: Yeah, yeah. On behalf of Microsoft, we can say that you could stay on the phones and so you never have to use Powerpoint again.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Oh, thank god.

Nan: Not in a million years.

[Cut to everybody]

Diane: And bitch, brush your teeth.

Gold Diggers | Season 44 Episode 15

Donell, Young Buck… Chris Redd

Terry Mack… Idris Elba

Lionel Hodges… Kenan Thompson

Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Jane Sawyer… Cecily Strong

Tamika Williams… Leslie Jones

Trish… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: In 1996, the WNBA was formed, finally giving women’s professional basketball a national stage. With it came the Glitz, the glamor, the parties, and of course, the playaz. Terry Mack, Lionel Hodges and introducing Donnell. A.K.A. Young Buck. They are the gold diggers of the WNBA.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges get inside the party room]

Young Buck: Man, this party is insane.

Terry Mack: Welcome to the big leagues, Young Buck.

Young Buck: What’s this place called again?

Terry Mack: Double Tree Hotel Bar.

Lionel Hodges: Woo! This place is crawling with fine ass WNBA ballers.

Terry Mack: Each one of these women right here sitting on contract worth 60 to 90 G’s a year. Now, if you play your cards right man, some of that cheddar could be in your pocket.

Lionel Hodges: That’s right. Imagine the lifestyle of being a kept man of a WNBA star. Two bedroom condo. Timeshare vacations in Orlando. Shopping sprees at Nordstrom rack.

Terry Mack: You may have drove here in a 2003 Toyota Camry, but you could leave here in the front seat of a 2016 Toyoto Camry.

Young Buck: I like the sound of that.

Lionel Hodges: Well, just listen to us, and you could end up set just like my man Maxwell.

[Cut to Maxwell sitting on a lap of a woman athlete playing Nintendo Switch]

Young Buck: Wait, did she buy him that Nintendo Switch?

Lionel Hodges: Hm-mmm. It was a make-up gift. She must have been cheating.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Yo, this is so awesome. So, how did you all become WNBA gold diggers.

Terry Mack: Gold digger is such an ugly world. I prefer calling slaying your penis for cash.

Lionel Hodges: You see, when the WNBA came around in 1996, it changed the gigolo game forever. It’s a never ending cycle of beautiful athletic middle class women travelling from mid major city to mid major city, looking for good time.

[Music starts playing]

Terry Mack: Oh, that’s my jam. Now, what do you know about this?

Lionel Hodges: Well, you know I know something about this. Come on with it.

[Terry and Lionel start dancing]

[Jane Sawyer tries to join Terry and Lionel]

Jane Sawyer: You mind if I cut in?

Terry Mack: No, not right now, baby girl.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, I’m just trying to dance with my fellas, thank you very much.

Jane Sawyer: All right, you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Damn!

[Jane Sawyer leaves]

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Guys, I think she was into us, man.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, man, [Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges] forget her, man. That’s just Jane Sawyer. Small forward for the mystics.

Terry Mack: She’s a bench warmer. I’m looking for a lady that can almost dunk.

Lionel Hodges: Speaking of which, is that who I think it is?

[Cut to Tamika Williams]

Terry Mack: Yeah, miss Tamika Williams.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Who’s Tamika Williams?

Lionel Hodges: Man, she’s one of the highest paid ballers in the league. Almost 100,000 a year.

Terry Mack: Not to mention the five figure endorsement deal with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. She took me to her place one time. Stainless steel appliances. California King, brother.

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Damn. That’s cray.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Terry Mack: Down pillows, at least six.

Lionel Hodges: What? She got an end unit washer and dryer too?

Terry Mack: No, that was in the building, though.

Lionel Hodges: I’ll take that.

Young Buck: Let’s see if she got some friends.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, yeah. All right.

[Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges walk upto Terry Mack]

Terry Mack: Hey, what up, girl? You can’t say hi no more?

Tamika Williams: Hey, Larry, right?

Terry Mack: Girl, you know my name is Tarry, girl. So, what you doing up in here?

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, where are we going for the after party?

Tamika Williams: We? I don’t have much room in my Camry, so we not going nowhere.

Trish: You ready, baby girl?

Terry Mack: Oh, oh, so you messing with Trish now? You know, she’s just going to use you.

[Cut to Tamika and Trish]

Trish: Who are these fools?

Tamika Williams: Groupies.

[Cut to everybody]

Terry Mack: Groupies. So you’re going to just dog me out like that after the night we spent together? [Cut to Tamika, Terry and Trish] Well, I got news for you, you pregnant and it’s mine.

Tamika Williams: I do not have time for this. Let’s go to Caberries. [Tamika leaves]

Trish: It’s Carrabbas, babe. We’re going to Carrabbas.

[Cut to everybody]

[Tamika and Trish are gone]

Terry Mack: You know, you leaving, nobody wants you anyway.

Young Buck: Damn, man. What are the odds she leaves with like another woman?

Terry Mack: Oh, probably nine out of ten.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, huge chance. Huge chance.

[Ends with outro]

John Mulaney’s SNL Monologue Will Change Everything | Season 44 Episode 14

John Mulaney

Kate McKinnon

Thomas Rhett

[Starts with John, Kate and Thomas on SNL stage]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: Hey John, when you were a writer here, were there any promos that you wrote that didn’t get picked that you want to try now?

John Mulaney: There was one I kind of liked. Hi, I’m Labron James and I’m big and strong.

[Retake]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Tune in to watch these two gorgeous nephews make their aunts and uncles proud.

John Mulaney: Oh, thanks Kate.

[Retake]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: My god, John, here. He’s going to lay it down so hard for you in his monologue. You’re literally going to stand up and applaud in your living.

John Mulaney: Well, I don’t know.

Kate McKinnon: He’s going to be up there with The Beatles in terms of like, singular cultural event. Nothing’s going to be the same ever again.

John Mulaney: We’re still kind of working it out.

Thomas Rhett: Oh, I can’t wait to hear it.

John Mulaney: All right.

Kate McKinnon: Killing it.

John Mulaney: Expectations!

Weekend Update: Smokery Farms | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Vaneta Starkie… Kate McKinnon

Wylene Starkie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A pig named Picasso– a pig named Picasso who was saved from a slaughter house because it’s ability to paint, has sold it’s paintings for thousands of dollars. Here to comment are the owners of Smokery Farm’s Meat Gift Delivery Service, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie.

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Va Netta: Hi, how are you doing. Hi.

Wylene Starkie: We’re cousins.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Thanks for being here guys.

Wylene Starkie: Well, look Colin. All these amazing animal stories might be heartwarming for y’all, but they’re not great for meat farmers.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: That’s right. People going vegan left and right because of damn internet keep showing people videos with titles like, “Pig teaches deaf dog to bark”.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, or “Chicken reminds man what he loves about his wife”.

Va Netta: You see, every time a cow salutes a veteran, our stocks take a hit.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, yeah, but you do not need to feel guilty with us, because going forward, Smokery Farms will only serve meat from animals that are individually stupid and bad.

Va Netta: That’s right. All our crowd favorite meat gifts are now made from the dumbest, worst, most nothing personalities farm junks.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I don’t think I understand.

Wylene Starkie: Okay, well, we can show you then. [Va Netta brings a basket of variety of meat] [Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Here we go. Oh, wow! Look at all that. Look at that gorgeous stink basket. I will tell you, a lot of meat. And the scent is strong. Now, our veal cutlet, now this is made from a little dud who couldn’t do tricks and he refused his Halloween costume, okay? You are going to feel no guilt when you soak him in milk and feed him to your children.

Va Netta: That’s right. Now, a recent study of 100 chickens, all but one could identify himself in the mirror. We done got that one. His name was Sun Dan and now he’s a nugget. Bon Appetite.

Wylene Starkie: That’s right. [Wylene Starkie smells the meat] Yum, I’m getting hungry. Now, you are going to love our six-ounce filet mignon. Now, that’s from a cow who hit a kid in the weiner for no reason. No reason at all.

Va Netta: Oh, why don’t you try our lamb chops. These are from lambs who would not stop body shaming the goats. These are bad criminals y’all, but they taste incredible.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Yum! Now, I have got to say that this roast duck was a smart duck who could spell, but the only word it spelled was the R word. When corrected it doubled down hard.

Va Netta: Or why don’t you try our very good apple wood smoked bacon. Here from a little piggy who went to market and held it’s owner at a gunpoint.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: That doesn’t sound like something an animal would do.

Va Netta: You like meat, Colin?

Wylene Starkie: Colin, you are a big meat boy, Colin?

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie moves the basket of met near Colin]

Colin Jost: Not close, no. I would not say I’m a big meat boy, but I eat meat. Like meat.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: I think we got a big meat boy in the house. Then your mouth must be watering for dumb, mean, bad and worthless animals.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: It kind of is now, yeah.

Wylene Starkie: We got them fur, baby Colin, okay? At Smokery Farms. They’re the bad boys who taste so dang good.

Colin Jost: Va Netta and Wylene Starkie, everyone.

Legal Shark Tank | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Janine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Alan Dreshowitz… John Mulaney Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Robert Kraft… Beck Bennett

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for ‘Shark Tank: Legal Edition’ where celebrities in legal trouble make their case to see if any of our sharks will represent them. [Cut to the legal sharks] First let’s meet our legal sharks. He’s a porn lawyer who might just run for president, [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Sorry for being nervous. [confident and smiling] I hate being on TV.

Narrator: Former prosecutor and current fox news Banshee, [Cut to Janine Pirro] Janine Pirro.

Janine Pirro:  When I walk into the room, all the house plants die.

Narrator: The scourge of Martha’s vineyard, [Cut to Alan Dreshowitz] Alan Dreshowitz.

Alan Dreshowitz: After I started defending Trump, no one invites me to parties anymore. I wish I could go back to defending good people like O.J.

Narrator: And the man, the myth, the leper, [Cut to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani: Don’t feed me after midnight or it’s Gremlin city.

Narrator: Both our guest sharks for tonight, Jingle based attorney Cellino and Barnes.

[Cut to Video Bumper]

Cellino and Barnes, Injury Attorneys

Happy to be here on “Shark Tank”

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: And now let’s meet our first troubled celeb [The door opens and Robert Kraft walks in] seeking legal help, New England patriots owner, Robert Kraft.

Robert Kraft: Hello, sharks.

[Cut to the sharks]

Sharks: Hi, Bob. Hey, Bob.

Rudy Giuliani: I already got a good feeling about being this guy. Yeah.

[Cut to Robert Kraft]

Robert Kraft: Sharks, I am currently in some hot water over accusations that I went to the day spa in Florida and got what turned out to be a not so happy ending. I’m also the only person to ever take a private jet straight to a $59 handjob. I’m seeking an attorney who will make sure no one sees the video of my 77 year old pigskin getting tossed around.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: This is a serious charge, Bob. And as you’ve shown, you can’t beat it on your own. [Michael smiles]

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: If you’ll ask me, the real criminal in this story is the immigrant woman who stole that job from a soft, white, American hand.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Okay, now at the risk of Reese Witherspoon blocking me on twitter, I have to say, can’t a billionaire get a Hojo in peace? Let the man have some fun. Also $59 in Palm Beach? I respect the man for getting a great deal.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen Bob, if you pick me, I would happily go on TV, contradict everything you’ve ever said and then add some additional damaging information free of charge. God bless America.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes happy to defend you especially if the spa had a –

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: UP next, the controversial [The door opens and Jussie Smolett enters] star of ‘Empire’, Jussie Smollett.

Jussie Smollett: Hey everyone, you won’t believe this, but I was just attacked outside the studio by Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, is that true?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Are there cameras outside?

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Yes.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Then no, it is not.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: Jussie, why exactly are you here today?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I broke humanity. But if you take my case, I offer spoilers for next season of Empire. I die.

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: Wow! A gay black man lying about an attack. I wrote Fox news fan fiction about this. But I never thought it would come true. I’m recusing myself. Because I am just too turned on.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, you got everything I love in a client. You’re famous, you’re probably guilty, end of list.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys, and even we want justice.

[Ends with outro]

Narrator: Shark tank, legal edition.

To Have and Have Not | Season 44 Episode 14

Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson

Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney

Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]

Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]

Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.

[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]

Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.

[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]

Steve: Why did you do that for?

Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: All right.

[The door knocks. Cut to Lauren comes in again.]

Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: If you want to.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?

[Cut to Steve and Lauren]

Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?

Steve: Yes I do.

Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no. Of course not.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.

[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]

Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]

Steve: Okay, you get out of here.

Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.

Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.

Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.

Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.

Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]