Weekend Update: Melissa Villaseñor’s Grammy Awards Picks | Season 44 Episode 12

Colin Jost,

Malissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night is the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here to talk about who she thinks should win is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Cut to Malissa Villaseñor coming in dressed as Lady Gaga]

Malissa Villaseñor: Yeah, thank you, Colin.

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

You know, everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear my Grammy picks. Here we go.

Colin Jost: Okay, wait – hold on one second. Melissa, are dressed up as Lady Gaga?

Malissa Villaseñor: What? No, I just wore this for all my Melissa Monsters out there.

Colin Jost: All right. Sure, so let’s get started with the Grammy picks. Who is your choice for song of the year?

[Cut to Malissa]

Malissa Villaseñor: Oh, my god. I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It’s called “Shallow”. Have you heard it?

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: The Lady Gaga song? Yeah, I’ve heard it.

Malissa Villaseñor: That’s Gaga? Wow. So you have heard it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean pretty much everyone has heard it basically everyday for the past three months, yeah.

Malissa Villaseñor: Well, in case you haven’t heard it –-

Colin Jost: We have.

Malissa Villaseñor: It goes a little something like this –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world♪

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Yes, great. I know you’ve been trying to get your Lady Gaga impression on the show for a while now.

Malissa Villaseñor: How dare you. I’m not doing an impression. I am Melissa. And this is my famous Grammy preview.

Colin Jost: Okay, because you’re wearing a Lady Gaga wig.

Malissa Villaseñor: This isn’t a wig. I was born this way.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Is just makes it seem like you’re a little obsessed with Lady Gaga.

Malissa Villaseñor: So what Colin? When I heard this song for the first time this morning, I felt like I was –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Falling in all the good times I find myself
longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself♪

[Kyle Mooney comes in and sing’s Bradley Cooper’s part]

♪In the Shall la-la-la low
In the Shall la-la-la low♪

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

Colin Jost: Wait! That was Kyle’s whole part? That was it?

Malissa Villaseñor: Yes.

Colin Jost: This is great, but I don’t know we could afford the rights to perform “Shallow” on the show. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

Malissa Villaseñor: Hey.

♪Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void.
[cut to Malissa and Colin]
or do you need more, ain’t it so hard keeping it so hardcore♪

Colin Jost: Well, sometimes yes.

Malissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪oh oh oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa
I’m off the deep end watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground♪

[Cut to Malissa and Colin]

Malissa Villaseñor: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone!

Rudolph’s Big Night | Season 44 Episode 8

Red-Nosed Reindeer… Pete Davidson

Cupid… Mikey Day

… Chris Redd.

Donner… Alex Moffat

Blitzen… Kyle Mooney

Comet… Beck Bennett

Don… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a house on a Christmas day]

Cupid: Alright, fellas, [Cut to a room full of reindeers] its Christmas eve and I am ready to fly! Who’s with me?

Everobody: Yeah!

Chris Redd: Hey, why is Rudolph cheering?

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph. He has a red glowing nose] Well, I guess I thought there was a chance, you know,  I’d be on the team this year.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone laughs at Rudolph]

Donner: Yeah, keep dreaming neon nose!

Rudolph: Yeah, the last thing we need up there is a stoplight!

Comet: [Cut to Beck] Or a maraschino cherry.

Santa: [Santa walks in shaking his belly] Ho, ho, ho! Huddle up. I just wanted to say about the weather report and I’m sorry but it’s too overcast to fly. Christmas is canceled.

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Oh, no! No!

Santa: Wait! [Cut to Rudolph and Santa] Rudolph—your nose. You can guide us with your wonderful light! How about it, Rudolph?

Rudolph:  You mean it Santa?

Santa: Oh, you bet I do. I’m appointing you lead reindeer! Christmas is saved! Let’s hear it for Rudolph!

Everybody: [Cut to Everybody. Everybody is cheering for Rudolph] Hip, hip, hooray!

Santa:  Thanks, Santa. I won’t let you down. [Santa leaves the room] [Cut to Rudolph. He walks in the group] Well, well, well—

Donner: [Alex giving his hand to shake to Rudolph] Congrats–

Rudolph: Oh, you can put that away, [pushing away his hand] Donner, or whatever your bitch ass name is.

Donner: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, it’s Rudolph now! I thought it was Neon Nose. Classic.

Blitzen: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, what’s up, Blitzen? What did you call my nose? A stoplight. I like that, making fun of someone else when you’re married to a moose.

Blitzen:  She’s an Elk.

Rudolph: She’s a straight up moose. You need to know that. What’s up, Don?

Don: What’s up?

Rudolph: Santa hates you.

Don: Harsh.

[Cut to everybody]

Cupid: Rudolph, we understand you’re sore at us but it was just a bit of healthy ribbing.

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] No, you shut up your mouth, Cupid. Alright? No one’s talking to you. You want healthy ribbing? Your wife dropped that donk on my last night!

Cupid: You’re making that up.

Rudolph: Nope, we did it in front of the mirror. Yeah, she’s one of those!

Cupid: Oh my god, I’ll knock that nose right off your face! [Cut to everybody]

Don: Come on, Rudolph man, we’re sorry.

Rudolph: Yeah, I know you’re sorry now because I’ll be flying out in front tonight and I’m eating a lot of broccoli. What’s your problem world?

Cupid: Hey! I’m gonna tell Santa how you’re behaving.

Rudolph: Oh, yeah? Let’s get him in here! [Rudolph starts hitting himself on his head and starts acting victim] Oh, ouch, why would you hit me? I’m smaller than you!

Santa: [Santa walks in] Cupid! Are you still bullying on Rudolph?

Cupid: [Cut to Everybody] No, sir, I didn’t touch him!

Rudolph: It’s not their fault sir. I’m the new guy. I deserve a little hazing.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Rudolph, you’re the strongest reindeer I’ve ever seen. [Cut to Rudolph smiling happily] You’re skating on thin ice Cupid.

Cupid: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] Man.

Rudplph: Whoops!

Don:Yo, you’re crazy man! [Cut to everybody]

Rudolph: Anyone else want to bully Rudolph?

Comet: No, man, we’re so sorry.

Rudolph: Oh, well, if it isn’t Mr. Maraschino Cherry Joke.

Comet: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph] I don’t want any trouble man.

Rudolph: Oh, I heard a lot of jokes about my nose. That was a good one. You like Maraschino Cherries, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: You like that way they taste, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: Why don’t you suck on one?

Comet: Excuse me?

Rudolph: Suck on it homey. Suck on the cherry in front of your face!

Comet: Rudolph, please!

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Oh! Oh! [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. Comet starts sucking on Rudolph’s nose]

Santa: [Cut to Santa walking in] Oh my goodness!

Rudolph: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. As Rudolph sees Santa he starts acting victim] Ouch, he bit me. I think he’s rabid.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, I always knew this day would come. [Santa takes his gun out]

Comet: [Cut to Comet] No, no. I swear he’s lying! He told me to suck it.

Santa: [Santa is pointing the gun towards Comet] Come with me, Comet.

Comet: Sir, you don’t understand. [Cut to everybody] He’s evil. Isn’t anybody going to say anything?

Rudolph: Yeah, isn’t anyone going to say anything?

Santa: I’m sorry, pal. Ho, ho, ho. [Santa takes Comet out]

Chris Redd: He’s not going to do that. [Sound of gunshot. Everybody is terrified except Rudolph.] Rudolph, you are a master.

Rudolph: No, really though, those were some funny jokes. Hilarious.

Santa: All right, [Cut to Santa walking in] show’s over. It’s Christmas folks. Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Rudolph: [Cut to everybody. Rudolph is dancing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

Gemma Sleigh Ride | Season 44 Episode Episode 8

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Jason Momoa

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Sleigh man… Mikey Day

[Starts with a sign board ‘Free Winter Sleigh Ride’]

Leslie Jones: This is so romantic. [Cut to Sleigh on the snow. There’s Sleigh man, Leslie and Gene] What a great idea, Gene. A winter sleigh ride. [Cut to Leslie and Gene] It would be a great place to propose to somebody.

Gene: Oh, well. You’re hilarious. That’s why I’m really starting to like you.

Leslie Jones: Well, I love you, and I’m ready.

Speaker 3: [Cut to Sleigh on the snow.] Oh, honey, look, this sleigh has a room.

Kyle Mooney: After you, my lady, please.

Jason Momoa: [Jason and Cecily comes in] Oh, my god! Gene, are you jerking me [Cut to Jason and Cecily] off right now? Is that you?

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] Who is that Gene?

Gene: I have no idea.

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Jason and Cecily] Baby, look that’s Gene. Man, I’m blown seeing you! Come on, get out of here! [Jason pulls other passengers out]

Kyle Mooney: Excuse me, we waited an hour in line. You’re a jerk, sir!

Speaker 3: Wow, I wish that was the first time that happened. [Jason and Cecily gets in the sleigh]

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. Nice to meet you. Happy Christmas and all that.

Jason Momoa: Hey, don’t talk like that when I’m wearing these jeans, they’re too tight for that accent. You know what I’m saying Gene? [Cut to Leslie and Gene] Sleigh man, let’s go!

Sleigh Man: [Cut to everybody] Yup.

Gemma: Wee!

Gene: I’m sorry, who are you?

Gemma: I’m Gemma, I’m British. [Cut to Gemma and Jason] I got a brand new vagina today.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] What? You got a new vagina today?

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Well, we did it in Thailand, flew in this morning. Whatever the time difference is, I guess I got it tomorrow.

Jason Momoa: Merry Christmas to me, Today or tomorrow. Right, Gene! We’re gonna rock! Thank you, Thailand.

Gemma: Don’t make me laugh, it will come loose.

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] I’m sorry, I’m going to say it again, how in the world do I know you?

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Dude, it’s your boy. I carried you down from that zip line after you got too scared to go, remember that?

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] I wasn’t scared.

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Well, you were crying and you were hanging on my back like a little koala.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] That sounds so cute, Gene. I’d carry you like a koala if you wanted.

Gene: Oh, That’s nice.

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] It’s nice to actually love your brother.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] What? You think he’s my brother?

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Isn’t it sweet, babe?

Jason Momoa: Oh, my lord. That accent, that little tiny hand on my shoulder. Oh man. I’m going to take that blanket of yours because I’m building a Christmas tree over here. You know what I’m talking about? Your sister knows what I’m talking about.

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] I’m not his sister. I’m his fiancée.

Gene: No.

Leslie Jones: Well, practically speaking.

Gene: Let’s take it day by day.

Leslie Jones: You better not be wasting my time.

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] You got to think about yourself first, you know. Your brother don’t own you. Just remember that. Girl power.

Jason Momoa: Speaking of girl power, my girl gives me that kind of power. [Cut to everybody. Jason starts to rock the sleigh] When the sleigh’s rocking don’t you come knocking. Am I right, Gene? Am I right?

Sleigh Man: Sir, please stop rocking the sleigh, it’s not safe and you’re spooking the horse, sir!

Gemma: Hey, don’t you look into my eyes. Don’t even look you look at my girl.

Sleigh Man: I’m actually asexual. Not that anyone ever cares or asks.

Gemma: Babe, I love your anger.

Jason Momoa: Oh my god, I almost forgot the best part. My girl’s a singer.

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] What?

Gemma: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] He said I’m a singer!

Jason Momoa: Gene, you and your sister’s ears are about to climax together. Her new Christmas album. It is dope, it’s all about hope. Do it, baby?

Gemma: [Gene starts to sing] Lights flashing, beat sounding us…[Jason starts dancing rocking the sleigh again] that’s when you see him… dancing in the corner… and now it’s knocking in the corner

Sleigh Man: Sir, you have to stop rocking the sleigh. The horses are being lifted off the ground. The hooves are in mid air.

Gemma: Hey, just like real reindeer do, right? They got their hooves up in the air, don’t they? ♪ POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP

Gene: [Cut to Leslie and Gene] Alright, I can’t take anymore! Should we jump?

Jason Momoa: [Cut to Gemma and Jason] Yeah, let’s do it buddy. Gene, come on, let’s get ready. [Cut to everybody] Gene’s sister, let’s do it! One, two, sixty. [Jason jumps] WOO!

Gemma: Oh, he’s such a nug.

Gene: Can you sing me a song? Of course!

Leslie Jones and Gene: ♪We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas

Gemma: I know this song.

Leslie Jones and Gene and Gemma: And a Happy New Year.

Day of the Dorks | Season 44 Episode 8

Trip… Mikey Day

Beef… Jason Momoa

… Beck Bennett

… Kenan Thopmson

… Alex Moffat

… Chris Redd

Finnegan…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: You’re watching TVS. And now back to the 1985 campus comedy “Day Of The Dorks”.

[Cut to six students in a well furnished room]

Trip: I’ve had it with these dorks! First they ruin our homecoming party with their dump pranks and now they’re beating us in the Greek Week Olympiad! [Cut to Trip] We’re Sigma Theta. We can’t lose to a bunch of dorks!

Beef:  [Cut to Beef] I hate dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] We all do, Beef. That’s why we need to get rid of them once and for all.

Beck: [Cut to Beck] No one makes fools of Sigma Theta, especially not a bunch of dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef]Dorks!

Beck: They win one more event [Cut to Chris, Alex, Beck and Kenan] at Greek Week, they’ll get to move in to our frat house.

Kenan: [Kenan stands] Man, this house belongs to us. Not those dang dorks!

Beef: [Cut to Beef breaking the chair out of anger] Dorks.

Trip: [Cut to everybody] Yeah! All right! Yeah! Also, take it easy on our furniture, [Cut to Trip] Beef. Alright, we have to pay for that stuff man. Good news, gentlemen, is that I have a way to stop the dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Kill the dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] Not that, Beef. But I do think I have a way to kill their pathetic excuse for a frat.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] With a knife?

Trip: [Cut to Trip] All right. Stop with that stuff, please, Beef. It’s freaking me out. Now, what does the dean hate most?

Beef: [Cut to Beef, acting happy] Dorks!

Trip: [Cut to Trip] No, cheating. And what happens to a frat caught cheating during Greek Week?

Beef: [Cut to Beef] They die!

Beck: [Cut to Beck] Beef, please listen. alright? Trip is hatching a plan.

Kenan: [Cut to Alex and Kenan] Trip, the dorks won’t cheat, man. Not only are dorks fair, they’re clever. And they know it.

Alex: Just thinking of the smug faces on those dorks. Oh, god!

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Dork faces! [Beef gets angry, screams, runs to the foosball and breaks it] [Cut to everybody]

Trip: Beef, man! Why did you do that? [Cut to Beef and Trip] That was a gift from the alumni!

Beef: Because Beef hates dorks!

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] We know but we all really liked and use that foosball table a lot.

Beck: Beef, we love how much you hate dorks. And we all admire your passion [Cut to everybody] but wrecking stuff we use doesn’t help.

Chris: Yeah, maybe grab a pen and jot down notes on like, what you’re going to do to help to get rid of these dorks. That would help a lot.

Beef: Beef can’t write.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] Oh, Beef, really? You have been in college for eight years, man. How do you not know how to write?

Beef: [Cut to Beef and Trip] Because of dorks.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] I don’t know Beef. I feel like that’s on you, man.

Beck: [Beck goes to Beef, tells him to go outside. Beef goes outside] Alright, make them drink from the hose. Right? I’ll tell you about the plan after. I love Beef, but what’s his deal? Have any of you ever met his parents? How is he paying for an Ivy League School?

Trip: I don’t know. What matters right now is getting rid of the dorks. [Trip walks towards the other door] Now, as you all know, my father has a great deal of money. [Beef is drinking water from the pipe outside the window, looking inside] And every dork has his price. Guys, meet Finnegan. [Finnegan comes inside the room] My dork on the inside.

Finnegan: Gentlemen, as a dork myself, I can tell you— [Looks at Beef outside the window] I’m sorry, is he okay?

Beef: [Beef is angry looking at Finnegan] Dork!

Trip: Yeah, he’s fine, [Trip closes the curtains to the window] he’s fine. Alright, Finnegan, please continue.

Finnegan: Okay. Well, [Cut to Finnegan] if there’s one thing we dorks love more than computers, it’s girls. If you jocks can help me get a girlfriend—[Beef breaks the wall and pulls Finnegan out through the wall]

Beef: Dorks! Dorks!

[Playing outro]

Cut for Time: Cars | Season 44 Episode 7

Aunt Pinky… Claire Foy

Danny… Beck Bennett

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

[A while house in a peaceful neighborhood. Cut to Daniel and Aunt Pinky sitting on a couch. Daniel is eating his popcorn loudly.]

Aunt Pinky: Wow. [Cut to Aunt Pinky] Somebody likes his corn.

[Cut to Kenny coming in from the back door on his Downhill Derby car]

Kenny: Hey, hey, hey.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] What’s that?

Kenny: [Cut to everybody in the room] It’s my car for the Downhill Derby tomorrow.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Where did you get it?

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] I built it with my dad.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Aunt Pinky, can you help me build a car for the [Cut to Kenny shaking his head] Downhill Derby?

Aunt Pinky: Of course. [Daniel and aunt Pinky hug] Bye. [Aunt Pinky leaves the room]

Daniel: Bye. [Aunt Pinky leaves the room]

Kenny: [Cut to Daniel and Kenny] Excuse me. You’re going to let a girl help you?

Daniel: And what’s wrong with that?

Kenny: Everyone knows girls don’t have car brands. They have [Cut to Kenny] doll brands. [Kenny laughs out loud. He picks up a flower vase from the table and hits Daniel on his head with it] [Daniel is upset] [Cut to the backyard of the house. Aunt Pinky is building the car]

Daniel: Hmm, are you sure that goes there?

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Pretty sure. It is the steering wheel after all.

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny walking in] What do you call that piece of junk?

Aunt Pinky: We call it first place winner. [Daniel acts proud]

Kenny: Well it looks like a fucking piece of junk.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky. She stands up] Oh yeah? Hey, Daniel, hop in. Let’s show him what we’ve got. [Cut to everybody.

Daniel: You got it. [Daniel gets in the car]

Aunt Pinky: Ready, set, go. [As soon as aunt Pinky pushes the car, the front wheel of the car breaks] [ Kenny laughs out loud]

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] What you got is no chance. Bye girls. [Kenny picks up the flower pot on the floor and hits Daniels head with his helmet on with it] [Daniel is upset] [Cut to aunt Pinky and Daniel. Aunt Pinky is checking the car]

Aunt Pinky: Hmm, I think I found the problem. [Cut to aunt Pinky] I can fix this in no time.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] No, don’t fix anything. Let’s just forget about the race.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Are you upset about the wheel?

Daniel: I’m not upset. [Cut to aunt Pinky and Daniel] I just changed my mind. I’m the kid. It happens. [Daniel picks up a doll and gives it to his aunt] Here, play with this. [Daniel storms inside the house with anger. Aunt is hurt.] [Cut to aunt Pinky working on the car. Daniel opens the door and steps out]

Daniel: Aunt Pinky, you’re still working on the car?

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky] Yeah, it’s my passion. [Aunt Pinky stands up] So, why did you quit?

Daniel: Because Kenny said Girls can’t build cars.

Aunt Pinky: That’s wrong. Girls can do anything boys can do.

Daniel: [Cut to Daniel] Oh, I didn’t know that. Hey aunt Pinky, can I unquit?

Aunt Pinky: Sure. Grab a paintbrush. [Cut to aunt Pinky] We have a race to win.

Race Announcer: Welcome to the annual Downhill Derby.

[Cut to Kenny on his car acting over-confident]

Kenny: Well, if it isn’t my next victim. Your car looks like garbage.

Daniel: Fuck you [Cut to Daniel] you fucking piece of shit.

Kenny: [Cut to Kenny] I wish my dad was here.

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky, with race flags on her both hands] Ready, set, [Kenny and Daniel get ready to race] go.

Race Announcer: And they’re off. [A black man and an Asian woman are cheering for the race] [As Kenny and Daniel race, Kenny’s car gets on fire.]

Aunt Pinky: Go, go, go. [Cheering for Daniel] [Kenny is running. He’s on fire.]

Kenny: I’m on fire.

Race Announcer: And Daniel wins.

[Daniel crosses the finish line]

Aunt Pinky: [Cut to aunt Pinky cheering] You did it.

[Kenny is still on fire and running here and there] [Daniel stands on his car proudly]

Daniel: Wow, I did it. I did it. [Aunt Pinky comes to Daniel][Cut to Aunt Pinky and Daniel]Boys rule.

Aunt Pinky: Wait, no that’s—[Cut to the outro of the show]

Charlie’s Grandparents | Season 44 Episode 7

Charlie Bucket… Claire Foy

Mom… Kate McKinnon

Grandma Josephine… Heidi Gardner

Grandpa Joe…Pete Davidson

Grandpa George… Kyle Mooney

Grandma Georgina… Aidy Bryant

[AMC intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching AMC, where “X-Men” is a Christmas movie. We now return to the 1971 classic, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to small cottage house at night] [Cut to inside the house. Grandma Josephine, Grandpa Joe, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina in the same bed and mom is speaking to them]

Mom: Is your supper okay grandma Josephine?

Grandma Josephine: Warm water with Lumps, my favorite.

Mom: We also have bread. And for dessert, the memory of bread.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Are we really this poor?

Mom: [Cut to Mom, Grandma Josephine, and Grandpa Joe]

Well, grandpa Joe, our last name is bucket, and four of you have no working legs. But look at Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. You guys need anything?

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they grunt] [Cut to Mom, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina]

Mom: Okay, I’m pretty worried about you two.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. Charlie enters the room from the door]

Charlie: Hi, everyone! Charlie!

[Cut to everybody in the room]

Grandma Josephine: How was work, Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie and mom]

Charlie: Boss let me out early. I only had to work 14 hours. Here’s the money I made, mother. [Charlie passes one coin]

Mom: Oh, no, you save that for yourself, Charlie. Off, and buy a Wonka Bar. Now get to sleep. Cause you got to be back to work in two hours.

Charlie: Okay, good night, Grandpa Joe, Grandma Josephine.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandpa Joe: Good night, Charlie. Good night Josephine. [Grandpa Joe kisses Grandma Josephine gently] [Cut to everybody in the room]

Charlie: Good night Grandpa George. Grandma Georgina.

[Cut to Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina. They can’t speak, so they just grunt. They first kiss gently. Then they start kissing more and not stop]

Mother, [Cut to Charlie, Mom, Grandpa George, and Grandma Georgina] are grandpa George and grandma Georgina okay?

Mom: Well, they’re just saying their good nights, Charlie. Now, why don’t you go over there, and stir that combination of cabbage and shirts until you fall asleep.

[Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe]

Grandma Josephine: Okay, actually I’m a little worried about how they’re saying good night, and how long it’s going on for.

[Cut to everybody in the room. Grandpa George takes off his pants from the bed and throws it]

Grandpa Joe: Karen, I think we have a problem here.

Mom: Ignore it, Grandpa Joe. It will pass.

Grandpa Joe: There’s four of us in this bed.

[Cut to Charlie and Karen. Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start moaning]

Charlie: Mother, what are grandpa George and grandma Georgina doing?

Mom: Well, they’re just stretching, Charlie. Their bones are very old. Now come over here and look out the window, and not at them while I sing you a song.

My darling cheer up Charlie

[Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina start grunting and moaning. The bed is shaking]

give me a smile what happened to that smile is used to know.

Grandpa Joe: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe. The bed is shaking. Grandpa George’s foot is on Granpa Joe’s face]

No! Oh, God! Hey, should you and I—

Grandma Josephine: you can’t and I won’t! Oh!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine.

Grandma Josephine: [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh God! Oh my god, I’m feeling everything!

[Cut to Charlie and Karen]

Mom: Let the sunshine show.

Grandma Josephine:  [Cut to Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe] Oh, my god, I have to get out of here!

Narrator: “Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory,” brought to you by Cialis.

[Cut to old hut house shaking at night]

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

[ Democrat 1, wearing a blue sweater, is raking leaves in her front yard while her two children are playing in the leaves. ]

Democrat 1: This Tuesday, November 6th, Democrats are bringing much needed changed to America. There’s a blue wave on the horizon, and I have never felt more confident. [ She raises a thumbs up but her hand is shaking, and she is smiling nervously. ] [ Cut to Democrat 2 standing on sidewalk wearing a blue dress shirt and blue tie. ]

Democrat 2: The Democrats are taking back the House. It’s a win we need and a win we’re going to get. [ He raises his cup of coffee with a shaking hand popping the lid off the cup. ] I’m sure of it. [ He is shaking as he tries to take a sip while spilling coffee all over. ] [ Cut to Democrat 3, in a blue collared top and blue apron, she is arranging flowers in her shop. Her hands are shaking violently, and petals are flying off her flowers as she tries to place them in the vase. ]

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

[ Cut to Democrat 4, a doctor wearing a lab coat and a blue sweater. He is standing with his patient. ]

Democrat 4: It’s been a minute, but we’re going to win. Nancy Pelosi just said so on Colbert. [ He grabs an oxygen mask and huffs the air. ] [ Cut to Democrat 5 holding a kitty. ]

Democrat 5: White women promised to do the right thing this time. They’re not gonna let us down, right? [ The camera zooms in on the kitty who rolls its eyes and meows. ] [ Cut to Democrat 2 back on the sidewalk. ]

Democrat 2: We’re gonna win! Yeah! [ He takes a joint out of the mouth of a passerby and smokes it. ] [ Cut back to Democrat 3 in her flower shop. ]

Democrat 3: This ones in the bag. [ She is pouring liquor into a flower vase and then takes a large gulp from it. ] [ Cut to Democrat 6 sitting on a park bench. ]

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

[ Cut back to Democrat 1 in her front yard. Her children are playing behind her. ]

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

[ Cut to Democrat 7 sitting with his mom, Democrat 8. ]

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 8: It was not funny!! [ She slaps democrat 7 across the face. ] [ Cut to Democrat 5 holding two kittens. ]

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

[ Cut to Democrat 4 with his patient in the examining room. He has his arm around the patient, and he is shaking him. ]

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

[ Cut to Democrat 2 on the sidewalk. He lifts his arms up to reveal that he is drenched in sweat. ]

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

[ Cut to Democrat 1 sitting on her front lawn. She throws some leaves in the air. ]

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

[ Cut to Democrat 8 shaking Democrat 7 who is holding his face where he was slapped. ]

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

[ Cut to Democrat 3. She is slamming a thumbs up on the table in her flower shop and is visibly drunk. ]

Democrat 3: We got this. [ She screams, and as her scream gets louder, she breaks all the glass in her shop window. ] [ Cut to title screen that reads, “VOTE! PLEASE?” There is a graphic of a red, white, and blue donkey with a nervous look on his face next to the words. ]

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ] [ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ] [ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Dog Infomercial | Season 44 Episode 4

Sonja Vegamonté…..Cecily Strong

Damien Regulanté…..Jonah Hill

Ma…..Aidy Bryant

Z…..Kyle Mooney

Dana…..Kenan Thompson

[ Sonja and Damien are speaking to the camera. There are various sketches of pugs hanging on the wall behind them. ]

Sonja: Hi, I’m Sonja Vegamonté.

Damien: And I’m a domestic partner, Damien Regulanté. If you’re anything like us, you breed pugs.

Sonja: But you wish they were more handsome and refined looking. I mean, he he, look at this one. [ She is handed a pug. ] Look how ugly this one’s face is.

Damien: He knows it, too.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: He’s bald. What’s the answer? I don’t need to tell you. You know. It’s pug wigs.

Sonja: Yeah, but where do you get one? Right here, at our flagship store, Pug Wigs!

[ Cut to Damien and Sonja walking out in front of a display of various wigs on shelves. ]

Damien: Look at all of this. We got so many wigs; I get sick of it.

Sonja: When you put one of our wigs on your pug, you go from zero to ten, in a flash. Ma, bring out the first model.

[ Cut to Ma walking out holding a pug in a curly blonde wig. ]

Ma: Alright, this pug’s name is Magnolia.

Damien: Magnolia is sporting the wig from our Legends of Cinema Line.

Sonja: This is, of course, the Marilyn Monroe.

Ma: Yeah, Magnolia used to be a solid two. But with this wig, she looks like she’s ready to get mixed up in a presidential scandal. Sleeping with the President.

Sonja: Mmmhmm. He he.

Ma: Oh, hell yes. She can sleep with the President in this wig.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: Yeah, that pug is so sexy delicious now.

Sonja: Oh wow, now all the boy pugs wants to jump her bones, now even though she got nothing to give down there. Let’s go Ma, let’s go. [ She ushers Ma off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Time for more pugs. Oh, look who decided to join us, my son Z, back from the drug hotel.

[ Z walks onto the stage holding a pug wearing a wig with the classic Rachel look. ]

Z: My parents make wigs for dogs, it could’ve been way worse.

Damien: Show off your pug.

Z: Alright, this is Harriet. She’s sporting a ‘Rachel Green’ from Friends. She’s America’s sweetheart. [ He sings to the tune of Friends theme song. ] But no one told you that your pug could look this great.. [ He does the clap from the Friends theme song. ]

Damien: That is one fresh looking girl-next-door pug. Very dateable.

[ Z walks off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Next we have Denise with Humphrey.

[ Ma (Denise) walks back onto the stage holding a pug wearing a frizzy blonde wig. ]

Ma (Denise): Yes, and Humphrey is rockin’ an Ed Sheeran wig. Look how contemporary he looks.

Damien: [ He sings to the tune of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. ] He’s in love with the shape of his pug wig… And next is my wonderful partner, Sonja [ Ma walks off stage with the pug. ] accompanied by Olive. Yes.

[ Sonja walks back on stage with a pug wearing a messy light brunette wig. ]

Sonja: Yes, she is feeling her confidence in this Tina Turner wig. From our Vintage Diva Line. Wow, look at the height in this.

Sonja and Damien: [ They sing together. ] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…?

Damien: I’ll tell you what, everything.

Sonja: Okay, we have so much more, like [ Cut to a pug wearing a short black wig. The screen reads ‘Liza Minnelli.’ ] Liza Minnelli.

Damien: Troye Sivan. [ Cut to a pug wearing a combed over the white-haired wig. The screen reads ‘Troye Sivan.’ ]

Sonja: Larry David. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is only on the sides of his head in grey and white. The screen reads ‘Larry David.’ ]

Damien: A Wall Street type. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is dark grey comb-over. The screen reads ‘Wall Street Type.’ ]

Sonja: Hip-hop. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is a brunette flat-top afro. The screen reads ‘Hip Hop.’ ]

Damien: Post Malone. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is curly short brown hair. The screen reads ‘Post Malone.’ ]

Sonja: And, Lady Diana. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is blonde and side swept. The screen reads ‘Lady Diana.’ ] Awwww.

Damien: This is a legit business people.

Sonja: Yeah, it’s not a front for anything, so.

Damien: And make sure to check out our sister store. Dana, tell them about it.

[ Dana walks to holding two pugs wearing beard wigs. ]

Dana: My pleasure. If your boy pugs want facial hair, bring them by my shop, Dana Simpson’s Boy Pug Beard and Goatee. Frederick is rocking a ZZ Top and Tex here is looking crazy handsome in a brand new Wolf Blitzer. [ He walks off stage with the pugs. ]

Damien: Thanks, Dana. So come to Pug Wigs, just pugs and wigs for their bald heads.

Sonja: Yeah, so Ma. Take us out with a song.

[ Music starts to play, and Ma comes back on stage. ]

Ma: You got a fugly pug? Put a rug on that pug. [ She scats. ] Pug Wigs.

 

America’s Got Talent: Wait, They’re Good? | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Howie Mandel…..Kyle Mooney

Mel B…..Ego Nwodim

Heidi Klum…..Kate McKinnon

Simon Cowell…..Beck Bennett

Stacy…..Melissa Villaseñor

Debra…..Jonah Hill

Wilderness Contestant…..Cecily Strong

Sheila…..Leslie Jones

Levander…..Kenan Thompson

[ America’s Got Talent title. ]

Announcer: America’s Got Talent!

[ Cut to AGT Judges at their desk with the AGT audience clapping behind them. ]

Mel B: Hello, my love. What’s your name, dear?

[ Cut to the AGT stage where Stacy is waiting nervously for her chance to audition. ]

Stacy: Um, Stacy. [ Nervous giggle. ] I’m so nervous. I’ve never sang in front of people, ever.

Mel B: Well, this feels like a complete waste of time. But, alright, go ahead, dear.

Stacy: [She starts singing Lady Marmalade. ] More, more, mooooorrrrrrre.

[ Cut to the judges looking surprised and entertained. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ] [ Cut to the AGT audience all beginning to stand up and give a roaring standing ovation. ]

Announcer: Wasn’t that cool? You never thought it would work out, but then suddenly, it did. [ Cut to AGT logo. ] Over the years, America’s Got Talent, has had so many of these moments. [ Several surprising moments from AGT are shown as clips as the announcer speaks. ] And now, we put them into one special. ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ See the performances begin like one thing [ An elderly couple is holding hands on the audition stage. ] Then woah-oh, there’s something else. [ Cut to the elderly couple now freak dancing on the stage. ] [ Cut to Heidi Klum at the judge’s table. ]

Heidi: Hello, tell us your name.

[ Cut to Debra on the audition stage. He is dressed like a cowboy. ]

Debra: My name’s Debra, ma’am.

Heidi: Welcome, Debra. I hear you have some music for us.

Debra: Music, ma’am?

Heidi: Music. You’ve never heard the music?

Debra: I can’t say I have.

Heidi: Wow. Well, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Debra: Thank you, ma’am. [ The music starts and Debra starts to perform, Go Go Go Joseph. ] Go, go, go Joseph. You know what they say. Hey now Joseph, you’ll make it someday. Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing just fine. You and your dreams are ahead of your time. Go, go, go.

[ Cut to the AGT audience cheering wildly and giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: You didn’t think he could sing, did you? You monster! And look at Howie Mandel. [ Cut to Howie looking overly surprised and joyous. ] It’s like he’s never seen this before. But he actually has, a lot. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’special has every moment.

[ Cut to Howie at the judges’ table. ]

Howie: So it says here that you were raised alone deep in the wilderness, like Jodie Foster’s character in that movie, “Nell”?

[ Cut to the contestant on stage in a nightgown. She is hunched over and waving her arms. ]

Wilderness Contestant: [ She speaks in a caveman like gibberish. ]

Howie: Great. We are you friends. Please. Make. Perform.

Wilderness Contestant: [ She sits on a stool and begins to sing, ‘Send in the Clowns’. ] Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? [ Cut to Heidi looking bewildered then back to the wilderness contestant. ] Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air. [ Cut to the judges looking surprised and pleased. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

Howie: What!!! This is crazy!!!

[ Cut back to the wilderness contestant. ]

Wilderness Contestant: Send in the clowns.

[ Cut to the AGT audience giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: And there goes the audience again. They genuinely didn’t see it coming. Even though they seen this guy, [ Cut to a man on stage. ] and this girl, [ Cut to a woman on stage. ] and even this. [ Cut to a dog on stage. ] And the moments just get more special. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] [ Cut to Simon at the judge’s table. ]

Simon: Oh dear, who are you?

[ Cut to Sheila on stage. She is standing next to her husband Levander who appears to be in a coma. ]

Sheila: My name is Sheila Block and this is my husband, Levander. He always wanted to audition, but he’s in a coma.

Simon: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. May I ask why did you bring him on stage?

Sheila: Well sir, I was hoping I could sing his song for him. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Simon: Certainly. It seems like something every normal person would do. Off you go.

[ The music starts for ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’. Sheila is dancing in place waiting for the cue, but instead Levander comes to life and begins to sing.]

Levander: Ain’t no mountain high. Ain’t no valley low. [ He takes off his hospital gown to reveal a sparkly outfit; Sheila also removes her dress to reveal a matching sparkly outfit. ] Ain’t no river wide enough baby. [ Cut to Howie screaming, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ then back to the couple singing on stage. ]

Sheila: If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far.

Sheila & Levander: Don’t worry baby.

Sheila: Just call my name. I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry. [ Two dancers start dancing behind the singing couple. ]

Sheila & Levander: ‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, babe.

[ Cut to the judges looking shocked and happy. Heidi is raising her hand. ] [ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

Announcer: The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ Special. This Sunday at nine.