Tag: Kyle Mooney

CNN Equality Town Hall Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Daniel… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julian Castro… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

Announcer: One stage, no room. Last one standing gets the oh, so, illusive – a CNN Town Hall Equality America with Anderson Cooper.

[Cut to the stage of CNN Town Hall Equality America intro]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper. This Town Hall will discuss issues affecting our community. LGBTQ and girls to make pride about them. And since we’ll never do this again, we’re going to go all-out. So, to help us announce the candidates, it’s Billy Porter from “Pose”.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

[Cheers and applause]

Billy Porter: Hello! Hello. Yes. Hello, Anderson. Category is Vanderbilt Dynasty, news realness.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper and Billy Porter]

Anderson Cooper: Yes, god. Now Billy, please introduce our first candidate.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Okay. Yes, he may live in the projects, but ladies, he ain’t no project. It’s Cory Booker.

[Cory Booker walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you for being here senator Booker.

Cory Booker: My girlfriend was in ‘rent’ so yeah, I get it.

Anderson Cooper: First question.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi senator. My question is, have you always been supportive of the gay community?

[Cut to split screen. Cory Booker on left and Aidy Bryant on right]

Cory Booker: Absolutely, yes. I have nothing but respect since day one.

Aidy Bryant: But in 1992–

Cory Booker: Uh-oh.

Aidy Bryant: –you published an op-ed where you said some very derogatory things about the gay community.

Cory Booker: Now, I don’t want to think– I don’t want you to think I’m dodging the question. So I’m going to go now.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Our next candidate is playing with a home field advantage.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes! Representing the house of Booty-gig, it’s mayor Pete!

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg walks in and stands next to Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you, thank you very much. I went to Harvard, but they don’t teach you where to put your arms.

Anderson Cooper: Our next question comes from Daniel.

Daniel: Yeah. How do you respond to those who say you’re not gay in the right way?

[Cut to split screen. Pete Buttigieg at left and Daniel at right.]

Pete Buttigieg: You know, I’ve heard that. But there’s no wrong way to be gay. Unless you’re Ellen this week.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Any other questions?

Pete Buttigieg: And actually, Anderson, I have one . [Cut to Pete Buttigieg] Why am I not winning this? I’m a veteran, under the legal retirement age and when I talk it makes sense. Is something wrong with me.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No- no. You’re great guy, just like, as a friend, not for president.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. \
Anderson Cooper: Can I call you an Uber?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh no. I drove.

[Buttigieg leaves]

Anderson Cooper: Well, I hope you didn’t fill up on snacks, because now it’s time for the meat and potatoes.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Warrening – warrening— the sentator is here! She’s got a plan for the future! It’s Elizabeth Warren!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren getting in to the stage]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you, Billy. Thank you, Anderson. I am so excited to be here. I had some apples slices backstage and they’re hitting me like cocaine! You know, I am not a lesbian, but all the ingredients are there. Let’s go.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Who would like to ask a question?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: So, senator, let’s say you’ve been on the campaign trial.

[Cut to split screen. Elizabeth Warren at left and Beck Bennett at right]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I have.

Beck Bennett: How would you respond if someone said to you, “I’m old-fashioned and my faith teaches me that marriage is between one man and one woman?”

Elizabeth Warren:  Look, well, I’m going to assume it’s a guy asking.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Oh, snap! The library is open, and you about to get read!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: I would say, sir, tell me your bus stop, because I want to know where you get off. What else? What else? If someone doesn’t want to serve gay people at their small business I bet that’s not the only thing that’s small. And when people say, gay and in France, people shouldn’t be included in civil rights protections. Well, I wish their parents had used protection.

[Music starts palying and Elizabeth Warren starts dancing]

[Elizabeth Warren opens her wig while dancing. She is bald.]

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yea, yea! Work it out, work it out! And now from the house of urban deliciousness, it’s Julian Castro.

[Cut to Julian Castro walks to the stage and stands beside Anderson Cooper]

[Cheers and applause]

Julian Castro: So happy to be here, and look, I even got a participation ribbon. Now, come on. Cut to the chase. When do the ‘Queer eyes’ guys come out? I want to go rock climbing with Karamo.

Anderson Cooper: This isn’t “Queer Eye” senator.

Julian Castro: Actually it’s secretary.

Anderson Cooper: I wouldn’t tell people that. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: My question is if elected what will you do to bring queer voices to your cabinet?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: Well, first of all, gracias. As a democrat, I want to apologize for not being gay, but I promise to do better in the future. However, I am Latino, which we can all agree is something. Look, I’m young. I’m diverse. I’m Latinobama. Let’s get the hashtag going #latinobama. Please.

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: All right. Anything else you’d like to say?

[Cut to Julian Castro]

Julian Castro: You know there was once another man who left his mark on this nation’s history, but he never became president. Hoe how so?

[Cut to Julian Castro and Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Really?

Julian Castro: Come on!

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, secretary.

Julian Castro: Remember to vote for me for vice president. I mean president.

[Cut to Billy Porter]

Billy Porter: Yes, yes, yes! And now, the Delaware daddy who’s only vice is the Choo Choo Train! It’s vice president Biden, y’all!

[Cut to Joe Biden walks in and stands beside Anderson]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hi, Anderson. Good to see you. I am so excited to be here.

Anderson Cooper: [Pushing Joe Biden slightly away from himself] Too close, Mr. Vice President. Too close. How are you tonight?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad we’re doing this. The vast majority of people in America are not homophobic. They’re just scared of gay people.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: That’s what homophobic means, Joe.

Joe Biden: Look, you know me. I believe we’re all equal, whether you’re gay, lesbie, transgender or queer, you’re okay with Joe.

Anderson Cooper: I’m going to give you a second to reset and go to an audience question.

[Cut to split screen. Joe Biden at left and Bowen Yang at right]

Bowen Yang: Hi, Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Oh, look at you. If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Bowen Yang: Sure. Mr. Vice President, how can you defend your past support of don’t ask, don’t tell?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I’m glad you asked that question and let me answer by telling you a false memory. Now, the year was 19 [thinking] 26, and I was in Downtown Dover with my father. And we see two very well dressed men, very well dressed men. You know what I mean by well dressed? [Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson] Right? Anyway, who’s nervous about this story? Show of hands.

[Cut to everybody raising their hands]

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: We’re all nervous, Joe.

Joe Biden: Then I’ll keep going, [Cut to Joe Biden] and these men turned the corner and kissed. And I turned to my daddy and said, “What the huh?” And he said, “Baby, they were born this way.” And that was Delaware 19 Clickity Clack.

[Cut to Joe Biden and Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: Okay, Joe. Thank you for being here.

Joe Biden: And thank you for everyone that played tonight but we all know I’m your guy. So in closing, [Joe Biden walks close to Anderson] ever been kissed by a VP before? [Joe Biden kisses Anderson]

Anderson Cooper: I think we’re done here. And –

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Cut for Time New Play

Kenan Thompson

Billy Bethwerk … Kyle Mooney

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Cecily Strong

Jameson … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Evolve Rehearsal Studios]

Kenan Thompson: All right. [Cut to the rehearsal] Welcome everybody to the first day of rehearsal for a Shout Unscreamed. [Cut to Kenan and Billy] The wonderful new play by the brilliant and prolific Billy Bethwerk.

Billy Bethwerk: Thank you. This one is very personal to me . I dropped it several times. But the main character wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept talking to my head in my dreams until she forced her way on to the page. I’m excited to share her with the world now, as it were.

Kenan Thompson: Okay. Are you done?

Billy Bethwerk: Um, yeah. For now.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: It is such a great play man. Roles like this don’t come on and get off. I could cry right now but I’m going to save it for acting.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, it’s really– it really is exquisite writing. It’s just so full and rich.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Yes, I just want to dive right in. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Phoebe Waller-Bridge] Because I think the world is hungry for this kind of art and while it not be a meal that will go down easy, it is an important and crucial meal.

Cecily Strong: Like breakfast, or really any of the three main ones.

[Laughter]

[Cut to Kenan and Billy]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Well, let’s begin, shall we? And again, it’s our first rehearsal. [Cut to everybody  standing up] So, let’s just get it on it’s feet and see how it feels. All right? Okay. Small suburban home in Nebraska, Emma Thirdy is at the sake. Her husband Tod, Thirdy’s white, and her sister Claire, Thirdy’s woman, watch from the doorway.

Jameson: Emma, please look at me. I know you’re mad at your sister but she’s here because she cares about you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: [Speaking with strong accent] Oh please, think clear. [indistinct] after my baby’s mother and husband’s wife.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks near Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Might I remind you your [indistinct] somebody had to keep carrying your baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]And you remind me that [indistinct] die.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]You wet yourself, girl.

[Cut to Kenan very confused]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, that was so good. I just want to ask some questions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, all these characters are from same place, right?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, you know, actually I’m glad this came up and I hate doing this as a fellow actor but he’s not doing a Nebraskan accent. And it’s supposed to be Nebraska, right?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is there a reason you’re not doing it? You saving us or something? Because to me personally would really help if we all sounded the same.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, everybody should sound the same. Like kind of closer to what Jameson is doing.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, I’m actually from Nebraska.

Cecily Strong: Really? [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] That sounds strange in my ear, but if that’s what you want.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: We’ll just match what he’s doing.

Cecily Strong: Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Great! All right. Claire pushes Tod aside and gets in Emma’s face.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] Emma, the one who call you [indistinct] murder, he was the judge. You even remember that day or you too high or meth?

Jameson: Hey, come on! The baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]Hey dirty, you bitch. [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] Emma, [indistinct] Claire scratches on the floor.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Are you crazy? She [indistinct] her.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, let’s stop.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What? Because it’s getting quite intense?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, no, no. That’s not why. You were both starting to reach the stage directions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Are you talking about the Italian in the brackets?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: The Italics? Yes. Yes. That’s what you don’t read.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: At all?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Not even in our heads?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: In your head is fine I guess. You know what? I’m still having a tiny issue with the accents.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Whose?

Cecily Strong: His?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Your’s.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh my god. You know what? I’m realizing, I think what we’ve done is we’ve confused Nebraska with Alaska because Nebraska is down here and Alaska is up here.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh! We could also just do like standard mid-west. Like, anybody got an extra long cigarette? Typical mid-west girl, I’m always dying for a smoke.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: That sounded a little Australian.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, no, no. That was mid-west.

[Cut to Billy and Kenan]

Billy Bethwerk: Oh my god, this is not going to work. Is this what they did in their audition?

Kenan Thompson: No. I did not make them audition ass. They are established actresses in the UK. British actors are having a moment right now and honestly they beige me. I think that we can salvage this.

Billy Bethwerk: How? We only have eight weeks.

[Cut to the show’s play board]

[Cut to the play]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] We all would be bitter off if you had died [indistinct].

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]There [indistinct] is finally [inaudible 00:04:33] .

[Jameson runs into the play]

Jameson: [Speaking in strong accent] What my dear? [indistinct] house on fire?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] [indistinct]

Another What’s Wrong with This Picture

Elliott Pants … Kenan Thmopson

Gina … Aidy Bryant

Theo … Kyle Mooney

Carrie … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with What’s Wrong With This Picture intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play What’s Wrong With This Picture?

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to the host, Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Welcome back to another edition of What’s Wrong With This Picture? I’m Elliott Pants. Let’s play. Rules couldn’t be simpler. You look at the picture. You tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner takes home a lifetime supply of Trojan Lils. Trojan Lils, because your’s still does what the big ones do. Let’s meet our contestant Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Hi, I Gina.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: I just said that. Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Armed and ready to play.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Armed? That worries me. Carrie.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: I’m the queen looking for her king with the bling-bling.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Well, this is not a dating show. Alright. Let’s take a look at our first puzzle, shall we?

[There is a cartoon picture of boys playing basketball with a football]

Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Take a hard look, guys. Something in this picture isn’t quite right.

Gina: I know.

[Cut to Gina]

Elliott Pants: Gina.

Gina: Something gay happened in the last play. And now it’s weighing on the whole game.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: What does that mean? No. Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: I hate to say this but the score is 0 because number 12 is slow. Not with legs. Up here.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: My god, no. Look at player number 10.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Oh, I see. There’s no crack in the booty. The poop goes out the front.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Stop it. Something shouldn’t be there.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Oh, number 3 is Ellen DeGeneres. And she’s going to miss her show. But she doesn’t care, because Ellen lives to hoop.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Look at number 10. Look at his ball.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Ew, you look at it if you like it so much.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: It’s a soccer ball. All right, let’s see the next picture.

[There is a cartoon picture of a teacher and a student]

Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Check it. The teacher’s his dad. He knows he’s being doubt-fired. He just don’t know where it goes from here.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: For the love of—just look, what do you see there?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: The Viagra is kicking in. The teacher tricked him.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Who are you people?

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Oh, I know. Teacher is explaining the difference between Harvey Weinstein and Aziz Ansari. The student doesn’t want to hear about it anymore.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: I know the answer. Teacher let one rip. And it sounded like sentence. It feels rude not to say something back.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: The doorknob is on the same side as the hinges. I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. All right. Next picture, please.

[Chere is a cartoon picture of a woman sitting in front of an open refrigerator with a saw in it]

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: He posted a death threat on Facebook. Now, she’s just waiting for the lights to roll in.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: There’s a saw in the fridge.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: I know. Someone’s talking to her about evolution, but she’s closing her ears. I didn’t come from no chimp. I’m god’s lil’ guy.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: There’s a saw in the fridge.

[Cut to Gia]

Gina: I would like to solve the puzzle. She’s letting the dog lick her under the table. But don’t worry, it’s a stray so it’s not awkward.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Okay. One more [There’s a picture of an astronaut with the US flag, but there’s another moon in the sky] but then we’re taking you straight home.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: There’s two moons.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: I can’t believe it. That’s right.

Carrie: And girlfriend, that suit does nothing for you body. Let us see your ass.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Honey, your brain is bad.

[Cut to Theo and Carrie]

Theo: I love that you said that. I’m taking you to the makeout room. I’m going to grab some Trojan Lils.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: This is not a dating show. This has been What’s Wrong With This Picture. We got to start vetting these people. That’s what I feel.[

[Ends with an outro]

Roadside Museum – SNL

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Joanne Batting … Cecily STrong

Reese … Woody Harrelson

Linette … Aidy Bryant

P Ryan … Mikey Day

Huntington Booth … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Sun’s Out Nevada intro]

Announcer: You’re tuned in to Sun’s Out Nevada. Thank you, guys.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Kyle Mooney in their set]

Heidi Gardner: Welcome back. Weather and traffic are just ahead. Spoiler alert – there’s neither.

Kyle Mooney: And later, author Dav Pilkey joins us to chat about his new children’s book, “Captain Underpants: Rise of Hershey Squirt”. Excited to pick his brain.

Heidi Gardner: But first, time for “Jo on the Go” with our roving reporter Joanne Batting who live on interstate 15 with her yummiest scoop yet.

[Cut to Joanne Batting]

Joanne Batting: Thanks, guys. Well, in between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, a new attraction will offer road trippers a cheesy photo op. The world’s biggest Cheeto Museum has it’s grand opening today. And I am here now with the proud owners, the hotter family.

[Hotter family joins Joanne Batting]

Reese, Linette, and their son P Ryan. Congrats on your big day. Now Reese, you first had the idea for all this five years ago. How does it feel to look at that gigantic Cheeto today? Besides hungry.

[Reese laughing]

Reese: Well, you’re quick. That’s why you’re on TV and I own the Cheeto. Anyway, it’s a dream come true. It took a lot of work. And our entire savings to buy the Cheeto and build the museum. But today I think it’s safe to say it was worth it. Right, sweetheart?

Linette: Sure.

Joanne Batting: Lynette, are you as excited as your husband?

Linette: No.

Joanne Batting: Now, P. Ryan, I got to ask. How do you keep from eating this thing?

P Ryan: I actually get that question a lot. And I always say, you know, I wonder if they ask people who work at the Louvre if they want to eat the Mona Lisa. You know?

Joanne Batting: Well, no, because it’s a painting and not a giant Cheeto.

P Ryan: Right. Yeah. But it’s kind of the same thing.

Joanne Batting: It’s not. But later on, the Cheeto will be measured by this judge [Huntington Booth joins Joanne Batting] from the Guinness book of world records, Mr. Huntington Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Huntington Booth. And I must say this Cheeto is spectacular. I once saw a 40 foot hot dog that took my breath away. And I am getting a very similar feeling from Cheeto.

Joanne Batting: Exciting stuff. Okay, we’ll see you soon for the official measurement, Mr. Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Booth.

[Huntington Booth storms out]

Joanne Batting: Well, it’s almost 9 o’clock. Is it time to officially open the museum for the fist time?

Reese: It sure is. Oh, boy. Son, you want to turn on the fan?

P Ryan: Yes. All right. Fans are on, dad.

Reese: Ladies and germs, the world’s biggest Cheeto museum is officially open for business. God bless you, Cheeto. I love you. Whoo!

[The giant cheeto bursts out because it fell into the fan]

[The screen is smoky because of cheetos dust]

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Uh, a little hiccup over at the world’s biggest Cheeto museum.

Heidi Gardner: Everything okay there, Joe?

[Cut to Joanne and Hotter family]

Joanne Batting: Yeah, everyone’s okay. Except for the cheeto which fell into the fan. Well, we were supposed to take the Guinness world record measurement here. That still happening?

[Moving to Huntington Booth]

Huntington Booth: No.

Joanne Batting: Right! Well, not the best grand opening. How you doing Reese?

Reese: Bad.

Joanne Batting: Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of backup plan?

Reese: No, we were all in the Cheeto.

P Ryan: I just want to say that all new businesses go through growing pains and I actually think this Cheeto can be fixed.

Joanne Batting: Well, it can’t.

P Ryan: I still think people will come on down.

Joanne Batting: They will not. Now, Lynette, what’s next for you?

Linette: Divorce.

Joanne Batting: Makes sense. I would do the same. We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Sun’s Out Nevada outro]

Locker Room – SNL

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Trinity… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with audience cheering in the football ground]

Announcer: And that’s the half.

[Cut to locker room]

Coach: What’s with the chatter, huh? Put your damn phones away. We still have half the game to play.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Coach, it’s 48-3, man. It’s over.

[Cut to coach]

Coach: Hey. You all are Pembroke Corgi Dogs. Corgi Dogs don’t back down from a fight. They bark. Rah, rah, rah, rah! We can still do this. I’ve been through worse and I’ve come out on top.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: You have?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Hell yes. It was my senior year. October 1st, 1979. [Music playing] At the half we were down 77-3. We thought all hope was lost. And I’ll never forget what my coach said.

[Music stops]

[Trinity comes with her eyes closed]

Trinity: Uh-oh, girl coming through don’t be naked. Oh, hey baby.

[Heidi looks at the players]

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Are you doing the big talk?

Coach: Yeah, baby. I’m doing the big talk. Hey, Corgi Dogs, this is my new wife, Trinity. She’s just passing by.

Trinity: Hi, guys.

Everybody: Hi, miss Trinity.

Trinity: Sorry to interrupt. [Cut to Trinity and Coach] I was just looking for the little metal man with the snickers.

Coach: Yeah. The vending machine’s right down the hall.

Trinity: Okay. All right. I’m gonna bounce. And babe, real quick, is your thing okay?

Coach: What?

Trinity: Your thing. Like your thing.

Coach: Yeah. Trinity, my thing is okay.

Trinity: Okay, but you remember the sound it made?

Coach: Yes, I remember the sound.

Trinity: Is it still making that sound?

Coach: No, it’s fine now.

Trinity: Oh, okay. He back. Well, good luck, you guys. [Cut to everybody] And remember, keep it safe out there. Always helmet to helmet.

Coach: All right. Now, [Cut to Coach] like I was saying, we’ve got to focus on the fundamentals.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Sorry, coach, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s up with your thing?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey[

Kenan: Yeah, coach, what’s up with that thing?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Look, you all don’t need to worry about my thing. Okay? I’ll worry about my thing for all of us. [Music palaying] Because if I know one thing, in my heart of hearts, it’s that these—

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: how did I get back in here?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Miss Trinity, what sound did his thing make?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Oh, it sounded like Mickey Duck.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Mickey Duck? Who’s Mickey Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: You know, not space jam Duck. The Mickey Duck, the one with the fat ass.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: You mean Donald Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Yeah, yeah. It was like … (making sounds]

Coach: Trinity, come on.

Trinity: What? I’m the one who had to push the vein back in.

Players: What?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: Trinity, leave.

Trinity: Okay. Fine. Good luck, you guys. I used to cheer here. Class of ’18.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey confused]

Kenan: Hey, when did you get remarried?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: And how old is she? If you do the math—

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Don’t do the math! Guys—

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Guys, the vein was out?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Enough. I need you to focus. Now, [Music starts] let’s get our heads in the game, our eyes on the prize, and our feet –

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: Okay, hold up. Are y’all following me or am I back in the same room?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Miss Trinity, when you say the vein was out –

[Cut to everybody]

Trinity: I mean it was out. It was like [dancing] mm-mm, and then the top was like folded and then he said call my grandma, she’ll know what to do.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Why would your grandma know what to do, coach?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: She’s known my body the longest.

[Cut to Coach]

Kenan: And with that I quit.

[Kenan leaves]

Coach: Babe, look what you did. Leave. I can’t have you talking to me on the job.

Trinity: Oh, okay. Big man acting tough because his thing’s all in one piece again. Okay, well, don’t come crawling back to me when that thing screams (making sounds) which we know it’s going to happen, and it’s we know it’s going to fall off because we know that’s where it’s headed. Bye guys.

Coach: It’s not going to fall off! All right. Listen. I need you all to stop worrying about my thing and get your heads back in the game. [Music playing] Because if there’s one thing I know—[Quack] You’ve got to keep fighting no matter what.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Coach, I think your thing making that sound.

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: I know. You know what it’s saying? Win. [Quack} Win the game. [Quack, quack, quack]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah! Let’s go. Whoo! Oh, yeah. That’s clean off.

[Players all ready to go]

Coach: Oh, yeah! That’s clean off!

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

[Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

[Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

[Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

[Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]

Dad – SNL

Dad… Woody Harrelson

Scotty … Kyle Mooney

Colby … Chris Redd

[Starts with a boy looking at his test marks. He can hear his dad coming to his room speaking on the phone.]

Dad: Well, have you looked at the contract?

[Dad enters the room]

Charlie, look. We sell computers. You’re my business partner at our computer company. Okay? So, let’s get the deal done. Okay?

Son: Hey, dad. Can I talk to you?

Dad: Of course, son. Is there a problem?

Scotty: You see—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Hold that thought. Charlie? No, no, no. That’s not gonna work. We’re in the computer business after all. Okay, so call me back. And Charlie, you’re one hell of a partner.

[Cut to dad]

You were saying, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Well, my friend failed the math test. And I guess I’m just wondering what you’d say to him if he were you son.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Well, I know he wouldn’t be playing video games for the next few years.

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Dad, I’ve got to tell you something. So I—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Just one second, Kiddo. Talk to me. Wait, who is this? Oh, Charlie.

[Everything gets dark except Scotty]

[Scotty starts rapping]

Scotty: Dad he’s like a hero to me

always has been and always will be

I worship the ground that he walks on

just wish he would trash that phone that he talks on

Dad, your’e obsessed with work

don’t you know your obsession hurts

look at what this thing did to you

is this the only way that I to get through to you

Dad, so busy all the time

b-b-busy all the time

dad, so busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you

ever since the day dad got the phone 

I got to say I’ve felt so alone

hello dad, don’t you know that you’re needed

“we’re sorry the connection with your dad cannot be completed”

also I’m not popular and girls don’t like me

it all fells very bad

now here’s Colby rapping about dad

ladies and gentlemen Colby

Colby: D-A-D-D-Y that’s the guy

always have a shoulder for you to cry

catching the ball catching the fish

catching time with pops is a beautiful wish

since back in the day dads have been killing it

barbeque boss with the burgers straight grillin it

don’t forget the OG dad showing love

our heavenly father lord up above amen

Scotty: No, it’s not supposed to be a religious thing. It’s about my dad.

Colby: Oh, sure.

Scotty: Do it like we talked about.

Colby: All right.

Scotty: All right, let’s do the dancing we practiced.

One, two, three, get loose now!

[Scotty and Colby are dancing]

B-b-busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you dad

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: We’re dong here. Right, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: No, dad. I think I’m done. I failed the math test.

Dad: Let me call you back. [Cut to Dad] Scotty, why didn’t you tell me?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I tried to. But I think your line was busy.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: I’ve been ignoring my own son.

[Dad starts rapping]

What have I become

it all began when the —

[phone ringing]

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

“Charlie, talk to me. Yeah. No, no, no. I’m just doing a rap for my son Scotty. Yeah, it’s to a funky beat. Really? Oh, hell, I can get there right away. Let me just do my last line for the rap. Yeah.”

And that’s why I’m your dad

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

Yeah. Charlie. Can I come?

Scotty: Dad! Can I come?

Dad: Sorry son. Not this time. Colby!

[Colby joins dad]

Colby: Praise the lord. We’re going to have some fun.

Scotty: Dad.

[Dial tone] [Cheers and applause]

Music Box | Season 44 Episode 21

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emily

Storekeeper… Paul Rudd

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people in an antiques store]
Cecily Strong: What a beautiful antiques store.

Kyle Mooney: Honey, look at this old sign. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney] It says, ‘I only drink on days that start with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

Cecily Strong: That’s hilarious. We probably don’t need that since you’re not drinking anymore.

Kyle Mooney: Oh, right.

Cecily Strong: You do remember that conversation?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. Hey, look what Emily found.

[Cut to everybody]

Emily: Look!

Cecily Strong: Oh! [Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] Look, it’s a music box with a ballerina on top. You know, my grandmother had one of these.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Oh, that’s a wonderful choice. [Store keeper walks to them] They don’t make them like that anymore. And very affordable.

Cecily Strong: Our daughter just started ballet lessons.

Kyle Mooney: She’s not very good.

Cecily Strong: $60? I don’t know.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Wind the bottom and she’ll dance for you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney]

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, wow. Don’t you wish you could dance like that, sweetie?

Cecily Strong: The song is so pretty. Do you know the name of it?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Of course. It’s ‘Fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: ‘Fancy party’? I don’t know that.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Sure you do. It’s a famous old beautiful song. Wind it again and let’s see if I remember the words.

[Cut to everybody]

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: It started, the fancy party’s finally getting started

nothing can go wrong, owe wait, I farted,

I farted, now my whole world will never be the same.

[Cut to everybody]

And that’s ‘fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: Hang on. The song ‘Fancy Party’ is about a ballerina having gas at a party?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: That’s right. And the catastrophic effect it has on her life, relationships and dancing career.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: That’s not real.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Sure it is. Your grandmother probably sang it to you while you went to sleep. Wind it again, you’ll remember.

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

[Cut to the storekeeper]

I beefed one,

they hired me for dancing, then I beefed one

it was oh, [Cut to everybody] so very long and not a brief one

because I beefed one

Now this whole fancy party knows my name

Cecily Strong: Wait I do know this.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Storekeeper]

Cecily Strong and Storekeeper: I gave them quite a scare

when I jumped up in the air

and out a fruity rooty came

Storekeeper: I knew you knew it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: I’m sorry if you’re eating

but my tights just took a beating

Everybody: And now I fear I’ll never dance again

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I farted.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Hello.

Kenan Thompson: I was just passing by and heard ‘Fancy party”.

Everybody: Did you hear the news how I done farted?

Now the party has sadly been departed

because I farted

That’s just how it goes.

Kyle Mooney: Wow.

Cecily Strong: That’s good.

Storekeeper: Memories.

Kyle Mooney: I’m glad you didn’t sing, honey. You would have messed it up.

Emily: Sing it again.

Cecily Strong: Let’s do it.

[Cecily Strong breaks the music box trying to wind it]

oh! No! Did I break it?

Storekeeper: What have you done?

Kyle Mooney: Honey, what have you done?

Cecily Strong: It wasn’t one of a kind, was it? Surely there are more.

[Everybody are staring at Cecily Strong]

Please, please.

[Cut to Kenan coming up front to camera]

Kenan Thompson: And that’s The Twilight Zone.

Leslie & Kyle | Season 44 Episode 21

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Paul Rudd

[Starts with Leslie watching something on her laptop and laughing in dressing room]

[Cut to Kyle coming in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, hey, Les, a change in the court sketch, you’re going to be the Bailiff now.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, okay, cool, thanks Kyle. [Leslie gets back to watching]

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you watching?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I’m watching Russian car crashes, they’re crazy over there.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: You know, last weekend I was watching those Leslie and Kyle videos we made for the show when we were in love with each other.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I remember those. Why did we stop making them?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They were great. Actually, can I show you a pretty fun clip.

[Kyle sits beside Leslie and takes over her laptop]

May I?

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Kyle kisses Leslie]

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god.

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Leslie is making out with Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Tell me I’m not dreaming.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Aw, we was babies.

Kyle Mooney: It was like last year. But you know it’s weird, sometimes people will come up to me on the street and say, “Are you really dating Leslie?”

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: No way! Me and you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They truly thought it was real.

Leslie Jones: It’s ridiculous.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, so ridiculous. Well, I should get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Kyle passes the laptop back to Leslie.[

So enjoy your videos, madam.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, sir.

[Leslie leaves]

Umm, hey, Kyle.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Got some wine. You want to maybe have a glass of wine, we can watch videos.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. I mean, I drink everyday, so—yes, let’s do it.

[Kyle walks and sits beside Leslie. Leslie passes Kyle a glass.]

Thanks. Well, to a wonderful year.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, yes.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both take a sip of wine.]

Oh wait.

[Leslie wipes Kyle’s lips]

Oh, you got some on your lip.

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Is this happening right now?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They kiss.]

[Cut to a dreamy world where Kyle and Leslie are walking together holding hands wearing matching dress.][Music is playing]

Kyle Mooney: Why do birds suddenly appear

every time you are near

just like me they long to be

lose to you

[Cut to a Kyle and Leslie having sex in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh god, crap!

[Cut to Paul Rudd walks in]

Paul Rudd: Whoa! What the [bleep] are you doing? This is my dressing room.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, sorry, man.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul Rudd: Oh, god. What’s that smell? Ew! It stinks over here too. Were you [bleep] over here too? It smells like a bad tooth. My shoes are stinking to the floor. It’s like an old movie theater.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Sorry okay?

[Cut to Paul] Oh, crap.

Paul Rudd: Are you still doing it? Get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Paul. He looks away.]

Leslie Jones: We said sorry, dude. Are you stressed out?

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Hey man! We were just having sex for a few hours. [Cut to Paul] Relax.

Paul Rudd: Yea, I’m stressed out. I just—I want the finale to go well. I didn’t mean to yell. Sorry.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle both start to massage Paul]

Leslie Jones: Aww baby.

Paul Rudd: That feels good. Mmm. Is this happening?

[They all start making out]

[Cut to a dreamy world where Paul, Kyle and Leslie are dancing and holding hands wearing matching dress. Paul and Kyle starts kissing. Leslie is shocked.][Music is playing]

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.