Tag: Leslie Jones

Gold Diggers | Season 44 Episode 15

Donell, Young Buck… Chris Redd

Terry Mack… Idris Elba

Lionel Hodges… Kenan Thompson

Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Jane Sawyer… Cecily Strong

Tamika Williams… Leslie Jones

Trish… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: In 1996, the WNBA was formed, finally giving women’s professional basketball a national stage. With it came the Glitz, the glamor, the parties, and of course, the playaz. Terry Mack, Lionel Hodges and introducing Donnell. A.K.A. Young Buck. They are the gold diggers of the WNBA.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges get inside the party room]

Young Buck: Man, this party is insane.

Terry Mack: Welcome to the big leagues, Young Buck.

Young Buck: What’s this place called again?

Terry Mack: Double Tree Hotel Bar.

Lionel Hodges: Woo! This place is crawling with fine ass WNBA ballers.

Terry Mack: Each one of these women right here sitting on contract worth 60 to 90 G’s a year. Now, if you play your cards right man, some of that cheddar could be in your pocket.

Lionel Hodges: That’s right. Imagine the lifestyle of being a kept man of a WNBA star. Two bedroom condo. Timeshare vacations in Orlando. Shopping sprees at Nordstrom rack.

Terry Mack: You may have drove here in a 2003 Toyota Camry, but you could leave here in the front seat of a 2016 Toyoto Camry.

Young Buck: I like the sound of that.

Lionel Hodges: Well, just listen to us, and you could end up set just like my man Maxwell.

[Cut to Maxwell sitting on a lap of a woman athlete playing Nintendo Switch]

Young Buck: Wait, did she buy him that Nintendo Switch?

Lionel Hodges: Hm-mmm. It was a make-up gift. She must have been cheating.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Yo, this is so awesome. So, how did you all become WNBA gold diggers.

Terry Mack: Gold digger is such an ugly world. I prefer calling slaying your penis for cash.

Lionel Hodges: You see, when the WNBA came around in 1996, it changed the gigolo game forever. It’s a never ending cycle of beautiful athletic middle class women travelling from mid major city to mid major city, looking for good time.

[Music starts playing]

Terry Mack: Oh, that’s my jam. Now, what do you know about this?

Lionel Hodges: Well, you know I know something about this. Come on with it.

[Terry and Lionel start dancing]

[Jane Sawyer tries to join Terry and Lionel]

Jane Sawyer: You mind if I cut in?

Terry Mack: No, not right now, baby girl.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, I’m just trying to dance with my fellas, thank you very much.

Jane Sawyer: All right, you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Damn!

[Jane Sawyer leaves]

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Guys, I think she was into us, man.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, man, [Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges] forget her, man. That’s just Jane Sawyer. Small forward for the mystics.

Terry Mack: She’s a bench warmer. I’m looking for a lady that can almost dunk.

Lionel Hodges: Speaking of which, is that who I think it is?

[Cut to Tamika Williams]

Terry Mack: Yeah, miss Tamika Williams.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Who’s Tamika Williams?

Lionel Hodges: Man, she’s one of the highest paid ballers in the league. Almost 100,000 a year.

Terry Mack: Not to mention the five figure endorsement deal with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. She took me to her place one time. Stainless steel appliances. California King, brother.

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Damn. That’s cray.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Terry Mack: Down pillows, at least six.

Lionel Hodges: What? She got an end unit washer and dryer too?

Terry Mack: No, that was in the building, though.

Lionel Hodges: I’ll take that.

Young Buck: Let’s see if she got some friends.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, yeah. All right.

[Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges walk upto Terry Mack]

Terry Mack: Hey, what up, girl? You can’t say hi no more?

Tamika Williams: Hey, Larry, right?

Terry Mack: Girl, you know my name is Tarry, girl. So, what you doing up in here?

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, where are we going for the after party?

Tamika Williams: We? I don’t have much room in my Camry, so we not going nowhere.

Trish: You ready, baby girl?

Terry Mack: Oh, oh, so you messing with Trish now? You know, she’s just going to use you.

[Cut to Tamika and Trish]

Trish: Who are these fools?

Tamika Williams: Groupies.

[Cut to everybody]

Terry Mack: Groupies. So you’re going to just dog me out like that after the night we spent together? [Cut to Tamika, Terry and Trish] Well, I got news for you, you pregnant and it’s mine.

Tamika Williams: I do not have time for this. Let’s go to Caberries. [Tamika leaves]

Trish: It’s Carrabbas, babe. We’re going to Carrabbas.

[Cut to everybody]

[Tamika and Trish are gone]

Terry Mack: You know, you leaving, nobody wants you anyway.

Young Buck: Damn, man. What are the odds she leaves with like another woman?

Terry Mack: Oh, probably nine out of ten.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, huge chance. Huge chance.

[Ends with outro]

Don Cheadle Monologue | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with SNL intro]

Announcer: [Band is playing the music] Ladies and gentlemen, Don Cheadle.

[Don Cheadle gets in the door. He runs to the stage and dances.]

Don Cheadle: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here. I entered ‘The Avengers Host SNL’ Raffle, and I won! [Cheers and applause] So this is my first time hosting, and I think I waited this long, because I’m a little O.C.D. about my projects. I was in the movie ‘Traffic’. Then I was in ‘Rush Hour’. Then I was in ‘Crash’. So that had to be in the right order.[Laughter] I’ve been in show business for over 30 years and a lot of people know me. And a whole lot of people, you know, they sort of know me. I get was I called ‘Percussive recognition’. People are like – [Acting as if he’s trying to get the person’s name, snapping fingers] “oh, you’re, um—um—’ , you know, the longer it goes on, it kind of turns into a Tito Puente thing like—[Act of Tito Puente, snapping fingers] [Laughter]. But when you’ve played as many characters as I have, you’ve got fans from a lot of different things. It’s gotten to the point where I know what people recognize me from based on the face they make when they walk up. You know if I get a dude with a face like— [Face expression as if being proud] I know it’s ‘Boogie Nights’. If I get this – [Joining hands and crying face expression] that’s ‘Hotel Rwanda’ face. And if I get this – [Face expression as if being shocked] well, that’s the face of a true fan who realizes he’s about to meet ice tray from the ‘Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy’ episode of ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. ! [Cheers and applause]

And really, look, I love any fan who wants to meet me. Especially the people from New York city. I love New Yorkers, because they are direct. Most places, it’s “Hey, can I take a picture?” But in New York it’s like, “Yo, man, let’s get this pic dawg”. [Laughter] And you know they’re not gonna stop with just one. We got three options. We gotta get the goofy one, and we gotta get the serious one, and then all of a sudden I’m taking a picture of just them. [Laughter] I’m not even in it thing. I’m always happy to take a picture. The key is, if you got to wait for the proper  because—

[Leslie Jones joins Don Cheadle]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! That’s all I need to hear, baby. Yeah! Let’s get this thing man. [Leslie starts getting selfies with Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: I’m kind of in the middle of my monologue right now.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we getting this pic. Say ‘Rwanda Forever’.

Don Cheadle: All right. Rwanda Forever.

Leslie Jones: Now take a picture of me [Leslie passes her phone to Don] and make it look like I ain’t looking.

Don Cheadle: I got you. I got you. [Leslie poses] We’re good.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god. Thank, Don! We gotta have a great show tonight. It’s Don Cheadle is here!

Don Cheadle: Hey, Gary Clark Jr.! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[Ends with Leslie and Don taking more selfies]

Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule]

[Cut to Fresh Takes intro]

[Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch]

[Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”]

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves]

[The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”]

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]

Extreme Baking Championship | Season 44 Episode 13

Show host… Alex Moffat

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Chantal… Leslie Jones

Jimmy…Don Cheadle

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Extreme Baking Championship intro]

Narrator: We not return to the Extreme Baking Championship on the food network.

[Cut to the show. The contestants are panicking.]

Show host: All right, bakers. I’m sorry to say this, [Cut to Show host] but time is up.

[Cut to Ralph and Sandy]

Ralph: My word!

[Cut to Jimmy and Chantal]

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Today’s extreme baking theme was cartoon confection and each of you had two hours to make cakes featuring beloved cartoon characters. Now it’s time to present your cakes to the judges. [Cut to Chantal, Show host and the judges] First up is home baker, Chantal.

Chantal: Hi, judges. I’m so excited.

Aidy Bryant: Hi, Chantal. Tell us what you made today, sweetie.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Well, my character was Olaf the Snowman from the movie ‘Frozen’. [Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept] My design uses a marshmallow structure to create a delicious 3D snow bank. Olaf is made from sponge cake and he skated on a frozen pond made of sponge sugar. [Cut to Chantal] Cold never bothered him anyway.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: It’s very ambitious. You did all that in two hours?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, ma’am. I did.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, let’s see it, Chantal.

[Cut to Chantal. She opens the cake box and her cake is terribly made.]

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow! Chantal, looks like you had some problems.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, I had some problems and I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: What went wrong?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I think my nerves got the best of me and also I’m bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, well let’s go ahead and taste your cake. [The judges taste the cake]

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Is it good?

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: No, it’s not. No.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I know. I did a bad job.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Thank you. All right. Now, next up is home baker and go-to-work dad, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Hey, judges. I want this so bad and I’m ready to compete.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: That’s great, Jimmy. Tell us what you did today.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, tickle me excited because my character was Tickle Me Elmo’s best friend, the Cookie Monster.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Weird way to get there, but okay. Okay.

[Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept]

Jimmy: I used vanilla sponge cake covered in blueberry royal icing and cookie’s about to hang ten on his brand new skateboard made of taffy. And is that a chocolate chip cookie road he is skating on? [Cut to Jimmy] The answer is, Frick, yes.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: Jimmy, that sounds incredible.

Aidy Bryant: Are you happy with how it turned out?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Yes, ma’am, I am.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: Well, let’s see it. Oh, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake box. Jimmy opens the box and the cake is terribly made.]

Jimmy: It’s bad. I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: What went wrong?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: You know, I think just me being here and everything I did while I was here.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: And you wrote the name Shawn on the cake. Who is Sean?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: I don’t know. I don’t know Sean. I don’t know why I wrote that.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Well, that’s too bad. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us what you made.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Hi, judges. My character was the undersea optimist, Spongebob. He came out so good. I’m just going to show you. [Sandy opens her cake box, and the cake looks great.] Okay. So, what do you think?

[Cut to Show host and the hosts]

Aidy Bryant: It’s fine.

Show host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? You are moving on?

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Afraid so, Sandy. Yeap. [Unknown voice says “Kill me!” The Show host looks around.] I’m sorry, hang on. Is that your cake, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake, his cake is speaking]

Jimmy’s Cake: I shouldn’t be— Kill me!

[Cut to judges]

Ego Nwodim: What’s going on there, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, ma’am—[Jimmy’s cake pukes] I believe that my cake is such an abomination that it has maybe come to life.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Please destroy me! I feel nothing but pain!

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Well, that’s disgusting, but also pretty creative.

[Cut to Sandy and Jimmy]

Sandy: I’m sorry, are you seriously saying that cake is better than my cake?

Jimmy’s Cake: Umm, bitch!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Sandy, I’m not judge so I can say this. You are coming off as crazy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake. It can’t stop puking.]

Jimmy’s Cake: Grr, cookies!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Now, moving on to Ralph. What cartoon character did you choose?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My cartoon was Yoda, the Pesky Elf.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: That’s not a cartoon character and not an Elf, but let’s see it.

[Cut to Ralph. Ralph opens his cake box.]

[Ralph’s cake is Yoda holding a green stick. His cake is fine.]

Ralph: Okay.

Beck Bennett: Okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] Interesting. And what’s that he’s holding?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s his famous penis, of course.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow, we have a tough decision to make.

[Cut to contestants]

Sandy: No, you do not.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Send me hell where I belong! [Jimmy’s cake pukes again]

Jimmy: Shut up. Shut up.

Show host: No! all right. [Cut to Show host] We’ll be back with the judges’ decision right after this.

Black History Presentation

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Ego Nwodim

Chris Redd

Kyle Moony

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Kenan and Leslie on SNL stage presenting]

Kenan Thompson: Since this is the first show during black history month, we wanted to take a moment to talk about some of the great African-American entertainers who have contributed to the legacy of “Saturday Night Live.”

Leslie Jones: From Garrett Morris to Eddie Murphy to Ellen Cleghorn and so many more. Representing black culture has always been a part of Saturday Nighe Live’s DNA.

[Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd join Kenan and Leslie]

Ego Nwodim: Whether is was Billy Preston’s musical performance in the first episode.

Chris Redd: Or Richard Pryor’s unforgettable job hosting in season one.

[Kyle Mooney joins everybody. Everybody is shocked he’s on the stage.]

Kyle Mooney: Saturday Night Live made it clear that good comedy is color blind.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, Kyle?

Kyle Mooney: Hey guys, I just wanted to lend my support.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle.

Leslie Jones: Thanks buddy.

Kenan Thompson: So, from all of us–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] I’m not saying that because it’s the month. I really meant it.

Leslie Jones: We know you do.

Kyle Mooney: If it was up to me this would be much earlier in the show. It sickens me that they buried it like this.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. We gotcha, bro. Thank you. So, to sum it up–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] Real quick, did you know African-American contributions to entertainment didn’t start with ‘Saturday Night Live’?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, we know.

Kyle Mooney: Actors like Sydney Poitier and Harry Belafonte changed the way people thought of movie stars. ‘To Sir, With Love’ was one of the best movies of the 60s. I haven’t seen that one TCM lately. Huh, I wonder why.

Kenan Thompson: Buddy, buddy, no, no!

[Kyle Mooney moves in front of everyone]

Kyle Mooney: You see, America was surprised to see a black leading man, but we always knew what we were capable of.

Leslie Jones: Did you say me? He said we?

Kyle Mooney: Chicago, 1922. Louis Armstrong joins Kind Oliver’s Creole jazz band and American toes haven’t stopped tapping since.

Chris Redd: Oh, he crazy.

[Beck Bennett joins everybody]

Beck Bennett: Oh Carl, what are you doing man?

Ego Nwodim: Thank you Beck. Please get your man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, of course Kyle, hearing you talk, you think all African-American trial blazers were male. Hattie McDaniel took home the Oscar for  for ‘Gone With the Wind’ In 1940. Any plans to mention that?

Kyle Mooney: Maybe after I mentioned Ella Gordon who started the first African-American school for dance in 1919.

Beck Bennett: Wow, overlook Katherine Dunham much?

Kyle Mooney: Lena Horne.

Beck Bennett: Nina Simone.

Kyle Mooney: Beverly Johnson.

Chris Redd: Okay, who’s Beverly Johnson?

Leslie Jones: Really? You’re going to help them.

Kenan Thompson: Guys, it really means the world to use that you googled all of those names.

Beck Bennett: And memorized them.

Leslie Jones: But it sounds like you learned all that stuff just to impress your black friends?

Beck Bennett: Oh my god, did you hear that?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, we have black friends. [Beck and Kyle leave with excitement]

Leslie Jones: Idiots.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle and second dummy.

Leslie Jones: Yes, thank you.

Kenan Thompson: But seriously, it’s an honor to stand on this day. Thanks to all the people who stood here before us. So happy black history month to everybody.

Leslie Jones: It’s going to be better tomorrow.

Kenan Thompson: Indeed.

Maurice | Season 44 Episode 8

Son… Chris Redd

Margaret… Leslie Jones

Maurice… Kenan Thompson

Daughter… Ego Nwodim

Christine… Halsey

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]

Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.

Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.

Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.

[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]

Daughter: A freelance mailman?

Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.

Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.

Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.

Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]

Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?

Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.

Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.

Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.

Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?

Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.

Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice. Kyle Mooney walks to Maurice.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.

Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.

Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Where do you even do this?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.

Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.

Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?

Maurice: The red one.

Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.

Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?

[Cut to Son]

Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: I could be on Ellen.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.

[Cut to Christine checking her phone]

Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.

Maurice: Oh my god.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?

Maurice: Red-velvet.

Them Trumps: State of the Union | Season 44 Episode 12

Assistant… Halsey

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Levanka… Ego Nwodim

Darius Jr… Chris Redd

Malika… Leslie Jones

Police Officer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with assistant walking looking at a file at the parking lot]

Assistant: Sir, your approval numbers have never been lower. But this state of the union might be our best chance of turning things around. Now, the big question is can you persuade people who never liked you in the first place?

Darius Trump: I wouldn’t worry about any of that. [Cut to Darius at the dark. His face cannot be seen.] All I need is a mic and an audience and I’m good to go. They all love [Darius walks a step ahead. He is black Donald Trump.] Darius Trump.

[Cut to the intro of ‘Them Trump’]

Narrator: From the producers of Empire. It’s Them Trumps. The first show to ask the question, “What if Donald Trump was black?” Darius Trump. His wife, Malika. Darius Jr. and Lévanka. Together, they are Them Trumps.

[Cut to a running limousine]

Darius Jr.: Dad. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine] You think the state of the union speech is going to set the hater’s straight?

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant inside the limousine]

Darius Trump: Of course it is son. Now, come on, let’s get to the capitol so I can do what I do.

[Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine]

Levanka: But dad. What about about the new allegations? The taxpayer funded golf vacations with Puff Daddy, all the lawsuits that come out of Trump Perm Academy?

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: And they still asked about Russia dad.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Shh! Don’t nobody need to know about Russia. What happened between me and Russia is between me and Russia. That don’t concern them.

Malika: Well, [Cut to Malika] you better watch yourself. They’re saying Mueller is closing in and your house of cards is crashing down.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Why you trying to play me, huh? I know how to deal with Mueller. I keep the white boys on a leash. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka smiling] This is America. And even though I’m black–

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Assistant: Okay, we are getting pulled over.

Darius Trump: Oh, I knew that was coming.

[The video stops and plays credit list]

[Cut to outro of ‘Them Trumps’]

Narrator: On the next Them Trumps—

[Cut to Police Officer talking to Darius Trump from window of the limosine]

Police Officer: License please, sir.

Darius Trump: Man, I’m not even driving.

Police Officer: I’m not asking again. License, now.

[Darius Trump hands his license to the police officer]

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: Be cool, dad.

Malika: We don’t [Cut to Malika] need you getting locked up.

[Cut to Darius Trump]

Darius Trump: Ain’t nobody getting locked up. This is ridiculous. I’m the American President and he’s going to have to recognize the fact that even though I’m a black man—

Police Officer: Sir, step out of the car.

Darius Trump: Yes, here we go. [Darius opens the door and steps out of the limousine] Somebody record it for Worldstar.

[Video stops and plays credit list]

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house]

[Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin]

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!

Meet The Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 12

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Eugene Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Peggy Noonal… Cecily Strong

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Matt Whitaker… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his news set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, and welcome to Meet the Press. I’m Chuck Todd and I’m still figuring out my whole look. As always, I’m joined by the leading journalists in the world. Pulitzer prize winning columnist for The Washington Post. Eugene Robinson.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Best selling author and colonist for the “Wall Street Journal,” Peggy Noonan.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: Hi Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And political strategist, author and former chair of the DNC, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Great to be here.

Chuck Todd: All right. Let’s start with what [Cut to everybody] everyone’s talking about and a new low for journalism, the ‘National Enquirer’ [Cut to Chuck Todd] was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. You are all highly respected journalists. So when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?

[Cut to Donna Brazile, she looks confused]

Donna Brazile: Excuse me?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I know, normally high minded journalists would not talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States. So, Jeff Bezos’ penis. [Cut to Peggy Noonan] What do you think it’s going to look like?

Peggy Noonan: I’m going to jump right in, Chuck. Now, when I hear billionaire’s penis, I immediately think small potatoes. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Small potatoes?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, your thoughts?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Well as a journalist, this is not something I thought I would have to cover. But as a human being, I’m naturally curious. Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a dot?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: My money is on Echo. Now, there are obviously major implications for the story beyond Jeff Bezos’s penis. It brings us back to blackmail and invasion of privacy and potentially even crimes committed by foreign agents. My question is, what do you think the coloration is like?

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Oh, my god, Chuck?

Peggy Noonan: I will take this one. I think it’s going to be [Cut to Peggy Noonan] splotchy, Chuck. A man his age, plus he’s a runner and it’s probably jangled around a lot down there over time. That’s going to lead to patchy sections.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: No, no. I completely disagree, Peggy. He’s a man of means, so I’m sure there are oils and precious minerals that can smooth and replenish that.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: What is happening right now.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, what do you think this says about our country in general?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s a disgraceful. It’s awful. I mean this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And what about when the pictures do come out?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes and send them to all my friends.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Now, obviously the mainstream media has a responsible to handle the story in a mature, adult manner. As you can see, from the New York post headline, [Chuck takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’ out] ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’. Eugene, what do you think of that?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s insane. You call yourself a respectable publication? I would have gone with your [Eugene takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Amazon package is on its way’ out] ‘Amazon package is on its way’. That’s you just me.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: That’s interesting see. I would have done [Peggy takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’ out] ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Did you guys make your own fake headlines?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: All right, let’s pivot away from penises for a moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Awe!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And focus on the state of the union. The president used the speech to champion his tax cuts and policy of deregulation. Here to explain further is the secretary of commerce, billionaire Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: Hello. I’m sorry. Before we started the producer put something in my ear and I have been hearing ghosts.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Wilbur, that’s just an earpiece so you can hear what we are seeing.

Wilbur Ross: But it sounded like you kept saying penis.

Chuck Todd: Yes, we were talking about the Jeff Bezos story.

Wilbur Ross: I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m not one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood.

Chuck Todd: Okay great. So, Mr. Ross, you are familiar with this story then?

Wilbur Ross: Yes, of course. I know what a dick pic is. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] When you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and say, “Let’s switch”, and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis. But choose carefully because if it’s too big, you will fall over.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Okay, my thanks to Mr. Ross. [Cut to Chuck Todd] Of course yesterday congressional testimony from acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker turned extremely contentious. Here with his side of the story is Matt Whitaker.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: Yeah, what?

Chuck Todd: Mr. Whitaker?

Matt Whitaker: Hurry up, Chuck. I don’t got a lot of time.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right]

Chuck Todd: Very true. You are almost done with your tenure in the Justice Department.

Matt Whitaker: Yes, that’s right. I was U.S. Attorney General for three months and soon I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer show.

Chuck Todd: Sir, the Justice Department investigates the claims that Jeff Bezos has made against the enquirer and the president.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: I don’t have a lot of Sympathy for Jeff Bezos. Every time I post a photo of myself it gets flagged as a dick pic.

Chuck Todd: Just to be clear, president Trump [Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right] ever directed you interfere in the Mueller investigation?

Matt Whitaker: Well, you know what, chuck? [Cut to Matt Whitaker] I’m going to say something I left out of my testimony. This is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump called me and whispered to me –

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I’m sorry to interrupt, but the Bezos pics have actually come out at this very moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Oh, Christmas in February!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Let’s stay on this topic for the entire show and live from New York, it’s a Saturday Night.

James McAvoy Shows Off His Accents | Season 44 Episode 11

James McAvoy

Meek Mill

Leslie Jones

[Starts with James McAvoy, Meek Mill and Leslie Jones on SNL stage]

James McAvoy :Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: Oh, I love that accent. Do Irish.

James McAvoy: I’m James McAvoy and I am–

Leslie Jones: Australian.

James McAvoy: –hosting SNL this week.

Leslie Jones: New York.

James McAvoy: Hey. I’m walking here–

Leslie Jones: NO!

[re-take]

James McAvoy: Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: It’s Christmas Ya’ll.

James McAvoy: What?

Meek Mill: It’s January Leslie.

Leslie Jones: Listen to me Meek. If I say it’s Christmas, it’s Christmas. Now do you got anything to say to me?

Meek Mill: Merry Christmas Leslie.

Leslie Jones: Thank you. Merry Christmas.