Tag: season 41

Expedition

Aidy Bryant

David Paul… Fred Armisen

Donny Grande… Kyle Mooney

Harriet Walls… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a classroom]

Aidy: Okay class, settle down now. Now, we’ve been learning a lot about western expansion. Well, guess what? Last night, I was at an Italian restaurant having a glass of wine and a lovely meatball salad. And the table right next to me had some actors from the Albany Educational Theatre Festival. And they were doing a new show about Lewis and Clark. How exciting is that?

[The students are not excited at all]

So, I asked them to come and perform for you and they said yes. Come on in, guys.

[Aidy opens the door. Three people walk in looking very excited]

David: Hey. Hey, everybody.

Donny: Hey, everyone. Great looking class.

Harriet: We are three of the actors from the show Lewis and Clark.

David: That’s right. I’m playing Lewis. My name is David Paul. I relate to Lewis on so many levels. Oh god, where do I start? We’re both athletic outdoorsmen. You know the type. If you saw me on long shorts and a tank top, you’d see exactly what I’m talking about. [pointing at Sasheer] Right, lady?

Sasheer: I don’t know what that means.

Donny: And we’ve heard a lot about Lewis. What the heck about Clark? Hi, I’m Donny Grande. I’ll be playing the role of trusty sidekick Clark. Soldier, explorer, politician and boo, slave owner.

Harriet: But remember guys, nobody knew it was bad back then. And hi. I’m Harriet Walls. But all of you probably know me by my non-equity stage name Diamond Karns. Now I’ll be playing Indian girl, Sake Juwiya. Just feel free to laugh, cry or simply enjoy by screaming out. You know? We don’t wanna tell you how to feel.

David: Just please don’t touch us.

Harriet: Okay? So then, everyone get ready to time travel back to 1803.

[Harriet plays the background music.]

[They act as if they’re walking]

David: Where are you taking us, Sake Joe?

Donny: We’ve been going now for it seems like days.

Harriet: We go up. More up. Mountain.

David: [screaming] Ah!

Donny: What’s wrong Lewis?

David: This is driving me mad.

Donny: I know. The cold is colder than any cold I’ve known before.

David: Not that. My manly urges. Isn’t she driving you crazy? I need sex.

Donny: With Sake Joe? I won’t lie. I guess I have thought about it.

David: Perhaps we should have three of us laying with each other.

Donny: As long as you make it clear that she is the one in the middle.

David: I was hoping I would be in the middle and she’d be on the right.

Donny: Where am I again?

Harriet: Stop. There is danger. I sense evil spirit. I must track them away with the dance of my ancestors.

[Harriet starts dancing. David and Donny are looking at her.]

Sasheer: Is this okay for us to watch?

Jordan: Yes!

Donny: Ah! I fear on my release!

David: No, save it. Stick to the plan.

Aidy: Okay, okay. I need to stop you right now. Okay. I need to stop you because this is breathtaking. I am very moved and I think I better go back over there before I start crying.

David: Don’t apologize. We love feedback.

Harriet: Okay guys, anyway, skip ahead. We make it to the continental divide all the way to the pacific coast. But what happened next? Let’s go back and see.

[Harriet plays the background music]

David: We made it. Now we can do that thing we were talking about.

Donny: Yes. Should I get down on the ground?

David: Yes. And I will lay on top of you so that Juwiya can lay off to our right.

Donny: Off? No, this is not what I wanted. Lewis, I told you how it has to go down for me to be okay with everything.

David: It’s gonna be the same thing. It feels exactly the same. She’ll be right nearby. Just, lay on this rock part.

[David lays Donny on the table]

Donny: No Lewis, stop. Get off me.

Jon: Is this part of the play or is it really happening?

Aidy: Okay, kid. Be quiet and have some damn respect for our guests.

David: Relax Clark, don’t fight this.

Harriet: Look my eyes while he lay one you.

Donny: No!

Harriet: Pretend it me.

David: Listen to her. She has ancient wisdom.

Harriet: It’s true.

[school bell ringing]

Aidy: Okay class, I’m sorry, they were just about to do it. [the students walk outside] But we have to stop here. The kids have their lunch break. [Jordan is staying] Jordan, don’t you wanna eat?

Jordan: No, no. I’m finally engaged with learning.

David: Wow, we’re getting through to someone.

Harriet: Well, alright, let’s take it home fellas.

David: Okay. Take your pans off Clark

Donny: Fine! Just no kissing.

David: Of course not.

Harriet: I stay here.

Aidy: Jordan, are you crying as hard as I am?

[The End]

Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.]

[Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing]

[Leslie starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female Character

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study reveals that movies with female leads like Frozen and the Hunger Games still give most of the dialog to the men. Here to talk about it is the one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

Heather: Hey Jost. Good to see you again.

Colin Jost: Yes, welcome back Heather. So, how do you feel about this new study?

Heather: However, you feel I guess. Maybe like this. [Cut to Heather] Maybe like this. “Hmm”. Or maybe like this. “Pfft.” If I get too angry then I’m not sexy anymore. I’m just a nag. And I’m not old enough to play the nag. You have to be 28 for that. I’m somewhere between eighteen and 27. But I date 40 and up. The fatter, the better.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s cool.

Heather: Thanks. That means a lot to me. I needed to hear that today. Just promise me you won’t get too drunk tonight with your crazy friend Bruce.

Colin Jost: Who is Bruce?

Heather: Bruce. You know. As a joke he fed you X and [Cut to Heather] you messed you pants in the sand trap. I was watching from the golf cart doing this. [sigh]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You were?

Heather: Yeah, but it was cut coz the test audience [Cut to Heather] couldn’t tell why I was there or who I was or why I would care or that if it was caring that I was showing on my face. Should I show some side boob now?

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t– You don’t need to do that. No.

Heather: Wow, you sound just like a girl. By the way, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life.

Colin Jost: I- I guess it’s pretty funny. Yeah.

Heather: Wow. I feel like I can really be myself around you. [music playing] Like, go to a baseball game with you and know the nickname of the player. Then I’ll go get hotdogs without any help. And on the way back, I’ll accidentally stick my butt in your friend’s face. Then he’ll get a boner and you’ll accidentally touch it. Then you two will be on the kisscam and I’ll be out of the movie for the next 45 minutes.

Colin Jost: Where do you go?

Heather: Oh, I just turn off. Everything kind of goes black for me. Then I come back to watch you do karaoke. And I surprise you by taking my clothes off in front of you after one shot of tequila. [Cut to Heather] And that’s when they found out cartoon finish that’s also in the movie says, “Nice bush. You don’t see those much anymore.” That’s how you know it’s a comedic part for me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, they may not give you the most line–

Heather: The least. I have the least. And the movie is named after me.

Colin Jost: What’s it called?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Bagging Heather. The fish is really funny. At one point, I sneeze into a Kleenex full of semen but nobody tells me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Oh my god! Heather, that’s–

Heather: It’s okay. In the sequel, it’s like I never existed.

Colin Jost: So, what’s next for you?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I can’t say any more lines or they have to pay me like a man.

[Heather looks at the ceiling and pauses]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think she just turned off. The one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

Weekend Update Animal Annie and Iguana

Colin Jost

Annie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: An Octopus named Inky made a daring escape from an aquarium in New Zealand and experts say Octopuses may be among the smartest animals on earth. Here with more with this is our animal fact expert, Animal Annie.

[Annie slides in]

Annie: Oh. Hi there Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi Annie. Welcome. So what can you tell us about Octopuses?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Well, here’s a fun fact. Octopuses have three hearts. Which is funny because my landlord doesn’t even have one.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Annie: And hey, [Cut to Annie] you ever wonder why flamingos are so pink? It’s because they eat so much shrimp. I guess that’s why I’m the color of a hamburger bun. And did you know that starfish don’t have any brains? Wow! I didn’t realize my ex boyfriend was a star fish. I wonder if they’re liars like him too.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What was the last part?

Annie: Oh well, did you know that when a koala is born, it’s just the size of a jelly bean. [Cut to Annie] And when I was born, I was the size of an Easter ham and then my dad left.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, hey Annie, do you have any fun facts that are more like… fun?

Annie: Oh, yeah. Oh, this one is really fun. [Cut to Annie] Cows poop up to 16 times a day. I’m like, “Only 16? Catch up, cows!”

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, are you okay?

Annie: Who are you? My doctor? [laughing] [Cut to Annie] And Che, you are gonna love this one, okay? Iguanas have two penises. But I wouldn’t know what to do with either one of them, right Daniel?

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who is Daniel?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Also, why would I like that one? I mean, I did. But how would you even know that?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Oh, and hey, did you guys know that oysters can change their gender? Meanwhile, I got cat-fished by a 14-year-old member of ISIS.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, you really seem to know your animal facts but you might want to spend some time figuring out the rest of your life.

Annie: Oh, I have Colin. Okay? I have a new boyfriend and he’s here with me tonight.

[Someone passes Annie a huge Iguana]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow.

Annie: Hi honey. [Cut to Annie] Honey, honey, honey. Oh, honey. Settle honey. [Colin Jost laughing] Oh, yes. This is Mr. Magic. Oh yeah. And a couple of fun facts about him. He is not a liar. Okay? And he never gets mad at me. The most he’ll ever do is be like [looking around]. Yeah, he’s hot. Plus, he does have two penises, right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh yeah, that’s funny.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Animal Annie, everyone.

Annie: Iguana boyfriend!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a snake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Workers in Malaysia discovered a 25 foot long python that is one of the longest snakes captured. Said their boss, “Very cool, but I still need you to find that plane.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Burj Khalifa building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] But do you get it? The builders of the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world are planning to create an even taller building in Dubai with shimmering metal and long golden cables. It will be known as the Wiz Khalifa.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dishwasher at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] So lazy. An inmate in Texas who escaped was recaptured after he was found hiding in his girlfriend’s dishwasher. Said his girlfriend, “Oh, so now you know where the dishwasher is?”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Kwame Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Apprentice star Kwame Jackson spoke out passionately against Donald Trump saying that Trump is filling a swamp full of hate. Adding, “Anyway, [Picture changes to Kwame serving Starbucks] tall latte for Karen?”

[Picture changes to a phone and FBI logo]

It was reported that the FBI paid professional hackers to help unlock the iPhone of San Bernardino shooter. Oh sure, but when I hire hackers to unlock an iPhone, I’m ‘too insecure to be in a relationship’.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of

Michael Che: At a town hall on Friday, John Kasich hold a female college student concerned with rape to avoid parties where there’s a lot of alcohol. Which ironically is the kind of statement that will probably make women avoid his party. [picture changes to republican logo]

[Picture changes to a woman and Monalisa painting]

A woman in New York has become an internet sensation by recreating famous paintings such as the Monalisa on her face. Said her boyfriend, “You are making us late!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

[cheers and applause

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

During this week’s democratic debate Bernie Sanders said he will release his tax returns but said they’re boring because he’s “One of the poorest members of the senate.” So now he’s just bragging about how poor he is. At this point Bernie is just an opposite Trump. [speaking like Donald Trump] “I’m so poor. I got the smallest house. And check out my daughter, she’s 52.” [picture changes to Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders] They really are like cartoon opposites. I mean, Trump’s wife was a model. Bernie’s wife is doing his taxes. Trump spends two hours a day on his hair. Bernie’s barber is the wind. The only way Bernie could be more opposite is if he built a tunnel to Mexico and then made America pay for it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a speech this week, Hillary Clinton called for women to get equal pay saying there’s no discount for being a woman. But on the other hand, [picture changes to a alcohol bar] bars.

[Picture changes to people’s rally in Washington Square Park.]

On Wednesday, several thousand people in New York city met in Washington Square Park for a rally in support of Bernie Sanders and some of them weren’t homeless.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump has received the endorsement of the New York Observer which is published by his son-in-law. Well, Ted Cruz failed to get the endorsement of his family’s Christmas newsletter.

[Picture changes to NFL logo]

A new study was released showing that 40% of retired NFL players have signs of traumatic brain injury. The study was conducted by looking at the suits they wear on TV.

Mercedes AA Class Sedan ad

[Starts with Julia walking]

Julia Louis-Drefus: Isn’t it amazing how much of our world is powered by something so small [showing AA size battery that goes in TV remotes]. There are million uses for these little wonders. Well, make that a million and one.

[Cut to video commercial clip of Mercedes car]

Introducing the Mercedes AA class. The first fully electric luxury sedan powered entirely by AA batteries.

[Julia opens the boot of the car and it’s filled with AA size batteries.]

No more plugs. No more charging stations. Just 9,648 AA batteries. Zero emissions. Lifetime drivetrain warranty. And a top speed of 52 mph. Everything you’ve come to expect from Mercedes. On board satellite navigation. Bose stereo system. And ample trunk space to store extra batteries.

[Julia opens the trunk. The trunk is also filled with batteries.]

And it is the only luxury sedan to receive the prestigious AA+ grade, from Batteries magazine. The Mercedes AA also ranks best in class in safety. Thanks to standard curtain airbags.

[Cut slow motion video clip of car crashing to test airbags. As the car crashes, the AA size batteries are flying everywhere inside the car.]

A touch screen in the center console keeps you constantly informed of each battery’s power level. You’ll know battery is dying before it’s dead.

Console: In three miles replace batter. Replace- replace- replace– [showing many batteries that needs replacing]

Speaker Julia: You can replace them individually or all at once. With the ribbon release auto dump feature.

[Julia pulls the ribbon and the batteries start falling out of the car]

The Mercedes AA class luxury sedan… [Julia opens the door to get out but the door is stuck because of the batteries that just came out of the car]

[Julia gets out hardly]

Batteries not included.

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad]

[space ship landing sound]

[Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]