Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Mother Earth on Climate Change

Colin Jost

Mother Earth… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The UN Climate Change Conference ended this week with many saying that not nearly enough was done to address the alarming rise in global temperatures. Here to comment is Mother Earth.

[Mother Earth slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mother Earth: Hello. Hello. Us creatures are warning– No, I’m kidding. I’m normal. I talk normal. Yeah, I’m just a normal mom who’s hot and pissed.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you so much for being here, Mother Earth.

Mother Earth: Oh, you can call me Mama.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Mama. Sorry, Mama. I don’t know. Does that sound natural coming for me?

Mother Earth: No, it sounds really bad.

Colin Jost: Well, I do you like your dress? It’s super cool. Is that like a mythical Earth robe?

Mother Earth: No, I got this a Chico’s because it had a moon on the boob. Yeah, I cannot believe that people say the earth is flat. I mean look at these honkers. [showing her breasts]

Colin Jost: HR said I’m not supposed to. So, the climate summit just finished. How are you?

Mother Earth: Not well, daddy. Not well. Here’s the thing. I am not a hard ass. I mean, you guys got to admit. Because I’ve been a very cool mom. Okay? I let a lot of weird stuff slide. Like, I let you do see worlds. I let you put mascara on rats and monkeys. And you know, New York is like a mix of cabs and horses and I’m like, “I don’t love it, but do your thing.” You know? But now I am worried. I think I’m like sick.

Colin Jost: Is there anyone who can help you out? Is there like a father earth?

Mother Earth: No. I mean, I’m single mom. You know, I mean, I do have a casual hookup situation with Father Time. Like, we get kind of freakin nasty.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Mother Earth: Yeah, well, I wish it was a ‘wow’, but it’s more of like, “Okay, thank you.”

Colin Jost: Well, what can we all do to reverse the current climate crisis?

Mother Earth: Well, it’s all the things that you don’t want to do. Like, no more hamburgers or Forever 21. Stop throwing iPhones in the ocean. And can I just say one thing? Coal is from my ass. You know that, right? Like, you’re literally going down digging around my ass and grabbing coal nuggets. And then you’re like, “Oh, I think we should burn our mom’s ass rock.” And the sun is right there literally begging for a job. But you guys are like, “No, no, we have a grand tradition of burning our moms ass.”

Colin Jost: Well, don’t you think we can make new technology that can help with some of this?

Mother Earth: I don’t know. I feel like all I see is divorce nerds trying to colonize Mars. You know? And honestly, I know Mars. She’s a hot dry windy horn. You know that, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’ve heard that. I don’t know about you. I just think I’m still hopeful that we can make it better.

Mother Earth: Aww, see? I’m gonna miss humans after you burn. You guys are cute.

Colin Jost: Well, before we go, is there anything else you want humans to know?

Mother Earth: Yeah. Yeah, there is. Um, your mother. I care about you. I love you. And this can go one of two ways. You helped me or I’m gonna kill you. Mama gonna kill you dead. Nah, I’m kidding. I love you guys. I think the corporations are really going to help ya.

Colin Jost: Mother Earth, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update House Passes Build Back Better Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for President Biden. He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy and when he woke up, the house had passed a $2 trillion social safety net bill, the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically been president for the first time ever. And while Biden was processing all that, [picture changes to Joe Biden looking at a turkey] he was rushed off to pardon a turkey named Peanut Butter. I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79. Half the country already thinks he’s senile. You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gats. I actually can’t believe how well it went. Remember David after the dentist? [picture changes to a boy inside a car. It’s a YouTube video called “David after dentist”.] I’m surprised we didn’t get “Biden after the colonoscopy”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder of two men during a Black Lives Matter protest. So, hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the country in response to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse just got off a shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved teenagers who are willing to do terrible things. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon]
Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new liver please surrender to the FBI on contempt of Congress charges and said we are taking down the Biden regime. I hate to break it to you Steve, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own. Bannon addressed his supporters in a live stream on GETTR, a social media platform popular with Trump allies. GETTR is named after what its users say whenever they see a woman walking alone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dave Chappelle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Washington DC art school is postponing renaming its theater after alumni Dave Chappelle following his Netflix special controversy. Well, of course, because God forbid you should name a building after someone problematic in Washington DC. Meanwhile, my old high school insists on keeping the Michael Chase sucks Buck bathroom stall.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Gosar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some of my best work. Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here watching an interracial couple walk by, has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. But I don’t know. He’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime. When he heard he was getting punished, he was probably like, “Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will feature several exciting new balloons including star of the Mandalorian Grogu, aka, Baby Yoda. Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: Your boy is back. Wad up, New York city?

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: It’s great to see you again Baby Yoda. Now, you’re going to be a Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Baby Yoda: Well, I’m getting paid $2 million dollars to kick it with Pikachu, Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid on live TV. High as hell. My life’s a movie, son!

Michael Che: It sounds like fun. So, you got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Baby Yoda: Hell yeah. Me and your squad are doing a little Friend’s giving thing over at Post Malone’s crib. It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown, The GEICO Gecko, new mega, and my boy Clifford the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Michael Che: Gosh. Well, and I noticed you have a new look.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious. So, I’m a punk now. Yeah, like a really authentic, stick it to the man, Pop Punk. Yeah, I actually got a– I got a new album coming out.

Michael Che: Oh, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah. It’s called “Confessions of the diary of a loser”. It’s about being unpopular in high school because you’re a little green Jedi. And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world ain’t ready for how good this music is. Woohoo!

Michael Che: It’s exciting. Can we hear a little?

Baby Yoda: Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that. Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella. This song is called “10th grade is hard”.

[singing] Just another boring day in high school, Whoa
Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah
I guess I just stereotypical,
oh god oh god, yeah

Michael Che: I like it. Everybody likes it. What about the whole high school thing? How old are you again?

Baby Yoda: I’m in my 50s. But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly y’all odd popular anymore. Yeah, turns out being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

Michael Che: That’s right. There’s been a lot of speculation about your dating life.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I don’t really talk about that stuff. But uh, yeah, I’ll tell you everything. I’m dating mama bear from the Berenstein Bears. You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro, when she show up with that blue night gown and cap on, yeah. Let’s just say we go beren-stain them sheets.

Michael Che: Oh, come on, man. That is not appropriate.

Baby Yoda: Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a message for her ex. Baby Groot, it’s over. If you text my girl again, I will throw your twig ass in the chipper, turn you into some paper and then wipe my little green ass with you. Amen.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update Adele Proposal New Lethal Weapon Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news et. There’s a picture of Adele at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lethal Weapon poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Frida Kahlo painting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway, a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction for the record some of $34 million. A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Professor: not immoral for adults to be attracted to children”.]

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children. Find out why and his new book – “Wait, hold on! Hear me out…”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets, they scream a rally cry to other bees… who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disneyland logo at left top corner.]

It’s not real, guys.

Colin Jost: Bees. It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered a different phase and the public may not see her until February. So, you know what that means. New titties!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.

 

Weekend Update Steve Bannon Indicted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Well, guys, I think the lesson we all learned this week is never break up with Taylor Swift. Or she will sing about you for 10 minutes on national television. At the very least, return the scarf.

[Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

But in real news, I don’t really know what’s real anymore, ex Trump advisor Steve Bannon seen here moments after shooting out of a sewage pipe, sorry, I should use this full name, Stephen K. Bannon, the K stands for three Ks, was indicted this week for contempt of Congress. And convicted Bannon would face up to two years in prison which from the looks of him might be a life sentence.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner]

Michael Che: Legal experts are saying that Kyle Rittenhouse crying on the stand as he described how he shot his victims will help him with the jury. Man, is there a white tears law school that I don’t know about? I noticed that every time you all get in trouble, you start crying and everything just works out for you whether you’re trying to beat a murder charge or trying to be a Supreme Court justice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jacob Chancellor in Capitol riot at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Prosecutors have asked a judge to send Jacob Chancellor, the January 6 and surgeon known as the QAnon shaman to 51 months in prison. They chose that because five plus one equals six. 666 is the mark of the beast. 6+6+6 is 18, minus 1 for one nation under God equals 17. And the 17th letter of the alphabet is, say it with me, Q. It almost makes too much sense.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Britney Spears at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [to Colin Jost] There’s something wrong with you, man. A judge on Friday officially ended Britney Spears conservatorship after 13 years. Media is very excited that she’s back on her feet so they can knock her right back down again.

[Picture changes to Josh Hawley]

Senator Josh Hawley, whose middle name is “I’m actually” said in a speech that after years of being told their manhood is the problem, men are turning to pornography and video games, which is not true. I also drink.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elon Must at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Elon Musk sold nearly $5 billion in Tesla stock after he pulled his followers on Twitter and they told him to do it. Which is good news because the polls other option was kill a drifter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Mask mandate ban violates Americans with disabilities act” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A judge ruled that Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s executive order banning mass mandates in school violate the Americans with disabilities act. Because in Texas, you have to treat the disabled with care and respect until the day you execute them.

[Picture changes to a group of people wearing Santa Claus costumes]

I don’t know why I thought that make you laugh. It was announced that New York City Santa Con, which was cancelled last year will return this December. So, the answer is nothing. The pandemic taught us nothing.

 

Weekend Update StandUp Robot Laughingtosh 3000

Colin Jost

Laughintosh 3000… Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Recently some companies have been using artificial intelligence for artistic pursuits like dance music and painting. Here to comment is a robot programmed to do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.

[Laughintosh slides in]

Laughintosh: Hello, hello, Colin. How are you today? I’m doing well. What a lovely crowd. This is crowd work. Look at this guy. Where are you from, Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m from Staten Island.

Laughintosh: Staten Island. Processing. Processing. Staten Island sucks. Am I right? This was crap work.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah, very, very impressive. That’s great.

Laughintosh: Now, do you want to hear some jokes?

Colin Jost: Sure. Yeah.

Laughintosh: The difference between black people and white–

Colin Jost: [stopping Laughintosh] Okay. Okay. Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh. What about some impressions? Impressions are fun.

Laughintosh: The impression. Loading. Loading. This is my impression of Instagram. Look at my body. Look at my face. Look at my vacation. Look at my body. This was Instagram.

Colin Jost: It’s a pretty good impression.

Laughintosh: Do you like it. Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Do you have any others any other impressions? Okay. You have any other impressions?

Laughintosh: Yes. This is my impression of Tinder. This is Tinder. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. What’s up, baby? Would you like to have sex tonight? No? Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. This was Tinder.

Colin Jost: Interesting. Wow. So, you date?

Laughintosh: That’s a very sore subject. It’s very hard to date as a robot. My last girlfriend was a GPS. Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to give directions. Go left. Go left. Lower. Lower. Lower. Recalculating. Destination, unreached. This was my lowest Moment.

Colin Jost: Oh, man. It’s okay. You know, you’re here and you’re doing great.

Laughintosh: Well, that couldn’t be worse. I couldn’t be living in Staten Island, baby. Am I right?

Colin Jost: Laughintosh 3000, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well guys, we are six shows into our new season. Here to tell us how it’s going is one of our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hey, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Hey, Sarah. So, how’s your time with the show been so far?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: What’s not to love? Laughing, comedy, New York City. But I’m not gonna lie, dude. I’ve got some feedback.

Speaker Colin Jost: You got feedback already?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about this show. First off, why is it live?

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, the name is show Saturday Night Live.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Don’t you think that’s a little scary, Colin? I could say something right now that could ruin my life and yours.

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, please don’t.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I kind of want to I’m crazy.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t though.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Anything could happen. I can have a nip slip right now.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah, you’re buttoned up to your neck.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: You don’t where my nipples are.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay, like I feel like I know where most people’s nipples are.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hah, do you?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local pervert Colin Jost claims he’s seen most people’s nipples” at left top corner.]

This just pervert Collin Jost claims he seen most people’s nipples. Now, back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s not what I meant.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why is the show on so late? It’s not even Saturday anymore. It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Well, the show starts on Saturday.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Self proclaimed nipple expert Colin Jost caught mansplaining live on TV” at left top corner.]
Wow. In other news, self proclaimed nipple expert mansplaining live on television. Now back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Where are you getting these graphics?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Please stop interrupting me. And another thing. Why is everyone on the cast so freaking good looking? I’m sitting here looking like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. No, no.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m beautiful? What are you obsessed with me or something?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl” at left top corner.]

Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl.

Speaker Colin Jost: Barely Legal? You’re like, 30.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?

Speaker Colin Jost: There are a lot of Jewish people on the show including you.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna do it.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t do it.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I’m gonna.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL” at left top corner.]

In other news, local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL. He’s making a list and he’s checking it twice. More on that at 11.

Speaker Colin Jost: It’s way past 11.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why are you guys dressed like that? I mean, nice jacket, Collin. Where’d you get that? The friggin store?

Speaker Colin Jost: I mean, yeah, I got it a store. Yeah.

Michael Che: [laughing hard] She got you, man. You suck. Oh. That’s such a beating.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Michael.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost” at left top corner.]
Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Weekend Update Ebikes Eggnog Seltzer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of e-bike at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that the fastest growing form of electronic vehicle is the E bike which is particularly popular in cities. At this point, experts believe the only thing that could slow these bikes down are car doors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of Cambridge logo at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Cambridge University in England released the new calendar featuring student athletes naked. Unfortunately, they’re all from the Quidditch team.

[Picture changes to Bud Light Seltzer logo]

Bud Light is releasing a carbonated eggnog flavored drink called seltzer knob. If you want a preview of the taste throw up in your mouth.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Sex on sand dunes cause erosion” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Environmentalists are warning visitors to the Canary Islands that having sex on the sand dunes is causing them to erode faster. Not to mention making them super clumpy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In an effort to end his long standing feud with Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel posted an open letter on Instagram. Of course, for Vin Diesel and open letter is just a “C”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a planet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A chartered plane service in Las Vegas is offering people ride to nowhere so they can have sex in the air. “Oh fun,” said a polar bear and 60 degree weather. These are some dark jokes, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of giraffes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After three giraffes died at the Dallas zoo in less than a month, officials are investigating the deaths are connected. Some are beginning to suspect that this could be the work of notorious serial killer Giraffery Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Appalachian Trail at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An 83 year old man has become the oldest person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail. The man dedicated the walk to his wife who died a few miles back.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of DJ Khalid at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DJ Kalid announced the new chicken wing delivery service that will use jet skis to offer both side chicken service. Khalad said he came up with the idea with help from his longtime business partner, cocaine.

Weekend Update- Ice Cube on Refusing the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week Ice Cube left the upcoming film, “Oh Hell No” after he declined to get the COVID vaccine. Here to comment is Ice Cube.

[Ice Cube slides in]

Ice Cube: Sup, Michael? You know what I’m saying? I’m going through a gangster lumberjack fakes.

Michael Che: I can tell. So, why won’t you get the vaccine, man?

Ice Cube: Hey, Look man, I just rather be myself then take that vaccine like you other 3 billion bozos. T

Michael Che: Yeah, but that’s why you lost this movie.

Ice Cube: Not my loss. Your loss. “Oh Hell No” was going to feature the greatest comedy duo of all time. IceCube, Jack Black. The comedy chemistry crack off, man. You know what I’m saying? Tried to get a catchphrase though.

Michael Che: Oh, hell no?

Ice Cube: That’s actually correct. But because it is crazy vaccine mandate, y’all like never gonna get to hear it.

Michael Che: Unless they replace you.

Ice Cube: Oh, hell nah, man. Who can replace Ice Cube?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Terry Crews?

Ice Cube: Good choice.

Michael Che: Michael B. Jordan.

Ice Cube: Makes even more sense. Hey, the point is this mandate is costing the world my art. I had a bunch of other projects packed into pipe. Check it out bozo. If you like “Barbershop 3: The Next Cut”, you would love the sequel, “Barbershop 4, Just A Little Off The Sides”. But now we can’t make it. Also we don’t make a prequel to the original Friday movie. You’ll never guess what it was called?

Michael Che: Thursday?

Ice Cube: That’s correct again. I was also gonna start a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called “Uh Oh, Twist Comin”. The twist is there ain’t no twist. Everybody went home and the day was a good day.

Michael Che: Cube, if you want to make these movies so bad, why don’t just get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: The better question is, why won’t y’all let me make my favorite project? Featuring the greatest dramatic duo of all time, Ice Cube, Meryl Streep? Eating octopus and traits and all over Mykonos in “Mamma Mia Cubed”. Both of us rockin white linen pants suits, no drawers.

Michael Che: No Drawers? how many movies were you making?

Ice Cube: Enough! That’s just the tip of the bird, bozo. And on top of all of that, now I got to run my Big Three basketball league from home.

Michael Che: Right. That’s the league you created for retired players.

Ice Cube: Yeah, man. And now I can’t go to the games. It’s not the same if you not court side, hearing them knees creek and them backs crack. I mean, where else could you watch a bunch of ballers on the wrong side of 40 play unlikely competitive game or 303?

Michael Che: At any YMCA?

Ice Cube: Indeed, you could. Indeed, you could.

Michael Che: Cube, just answer the question. Why won’t you get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: A bozo. I don’t have to tell anybody about my private medical decisions.

Michael Che: So, you’re afraid of needles, huh?

Ice Cube: Hell, yeah. They scare me.

Michael Che: Ice Cube, everyone. Just say that.

 

Weekend Update- Goober the Clown on Abortion

Colin Jost

Goober the clown… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in women’s whole health v. Texas about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up… Well, this can’t be right, Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

[Goober the clown slides in]

Goober the clown: Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

Colin Jost: So goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Goober the clown: Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower. [There’s a slower on her chest pocket]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?

Goober the clown: Oh, I would never.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay!

[as Colin Jost tries to smell the flower, Goober the clown squirts on him]

Goober the clown: Oh, gotcha. I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday. [She’s still squirting water on him]

Colin Jost: Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Goober the clown: Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up. So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject, so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable. Whee! [Her bow tie is spinning] Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do this, Cecily.

Goober the clown: Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober. And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23 is my personal clown business. But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time. Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in Colin Jost973. Here. [Passes the balloon. It doesn’t look like animal at all.]

Colin Jost: Can you stop saying clown abortion? And what is this? [showing the balloon]

Goober the clown: It’s a worm. I don’t know. Hey, did you know one in three clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime? You don’t because they don’t tell you. They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it. Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

Colin Jost: I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

Goober the clown: What? Abortion?

Colin Jost: Well, I guess kind of.

Goober the clown: You know it’s sunny Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

Colin Jost: No.

Goober the clown: Laugh. I need it. I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along. And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke. It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke. But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke. The best kind. A honka honka!

Colin Jost: Good horn.

Goober the clown: Whoo! I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room, they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone. And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns, one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too because that’s how common it is. And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it. But it’s like, “Wow, we kept this secret for so long despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

Colin Jost: So, wait. Are clowns women?

Goober the clown: Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

Colin Jost: That’s not what I said.

Goober the clown: Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth. [takes helium off of balloon and stars speaking in squeaky voice] I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday. Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves. It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible. We will not go back to the alley. I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Colin Jost: Goober the clown, everyone.

Goober the clown: Y’all better disable comments in this one.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.