Weekend Update Archives - Page 11 of 72

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Beijing 2022 Olympics

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This weekend, NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondence to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to Communist Chinese trade minister and games organizer, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: Hmm, I’ve never been with a trade, daddy. Ayy! What’s up Che Diaz?

Michael Che: I told you, I don’t get that reference. So, how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Chen Biao: Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics. Sliding down snow, sliding down ice, gravity’s got a point and she is the moment.

Michael Che: Well, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondence?

Chen Biao: Oh, we’re fine. Are you guys okay? NBC is announcing the games from their studios in Connecticut. You know what else films in Connecticut? Maury. Good luck commentating over cries if you are not the father? I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere in this stadium? Like, “The vibe is 2AM in Stanford?” Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro North, Grayson.

Michael Che: Who is Grayson?

Chen Biao: Probably some coked out finance guy trying to find his escort in the Wendy’s parking lot.

Michael Che: Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

Chen Biao: Well, it’s just for COVID safety. And the protocols aren’t even that restrictive. It’s plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swab.

Michael Che: Anal swab?

Chen Biao: It’s accurate, and it’s fun.

Michael Che: Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Chen Biao: Burner phones? What is this? The Wire? Must be Season 2 because you’re white and no one cares.

Michael Che: Well, the biggest story is that several countries including the US are planning diplomatic boycotts over China’s human rights violations.

Chen Biao: Human rights. We don’t have that. [a cute picture of a baby pandd with Olympics logo on his belly appears] Plus, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights? Official games mascot Bing-Dwen-Dwen. As you can see, he’s a panda going to a rave. I don’t know, I designed him while I was on ketamine. He’s gonna try and hook up with Shawn white.

Michael Che: Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremony?

Chen Biao: Okay, well press release. I’m performing in it. The vibe is gonna be like, Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai Film meets Dave Chappelle stand up special.

Michael Che: How’s it gonna be like Dave Chappelle stand up special?

Chen Biao: There’s gonna be a lot of people protesting after.

Michael Che: Looks like you’re really making light of some serious issues.

Chen Biao: Okay, fine. You want me to get real? Look, we’re hosting the Winter Olympics because no one else stepped up. It’s our party and we’ll spy if we want to. The IOC chose China and y’all knew what you were getting into. So, now what? We’re in bed and you have posts-nut clarity? Whatever, flop. If you need me, I’ll be skiing the slopes in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles. Father, son, house of Daddy.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]

Weekend Update Robert Durst Dies New Maya Angelou Quarter

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Robert Durst at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir who murdered his friend and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. [picture changes to three children of Donald J. Trump]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a coin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The late Maya Angelou has become the first black woman featured on the quarter, which is not what black people mean when we demand change.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a phone at left top of the corner.]

Colin Jost: Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor.

[Picture changes to Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Domino’s chicken wings at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, royal duties. Domino’s is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals and I really wish I’d known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe. Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a bar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering on site COVID tests for customers. They plan to use a much less invasive technique where they sort of just grind around the outside.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taco Bell– This is a terrible transition. Oh god. Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco every day for $Colin Jost0 a month. Which kind of sounds like an insult in a rap battle. This bitch so fast he got a subscription to tacos.

Weekend Update Elmo and Rocco

Michael Che

Elmo… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Elmo was trending last week after clips of his feud with a pet rock named Rocco went viral. Here to comment is Elmo.

[Elmo slides in]

Elmo: Hey. Hi, everybody’s. Hello, Michael. [singing] La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, SNL, yeah!

Michael Che: Well, thank you for being here, Elmo.

Elmo: Oh, of course. SNL is my favorite. Maybe one day Elmo can host?

Michael Che: Maybe. Yeah. Now, Elmo, everybody has been talking about your beef with your friends Zoe’s pet rock, Rocco. You know, there’s all these clips of you going on crazy, unhinged rants about how Rocco’s not real.

Elmo: Okay, okay. Look. Elmo admit Elmo overreacting. And Elmo has already apologized in a long Instagram post. Elmo really can move on.

Michael Che: Well, that’s great to hear Elmo, because we were actually about to bring out a surprise guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Rocco.

[Someone bring in the Rocco (a small rock placed on a chair) on the Weekend Update table]

Elmo: What? Why does Rocco get a chair?

Michael Che: Because Rocco’s our guest, Elmo.

Elmo: Rocco? Rocco doesn’t need a chair. Rocco doesn’t even have legs. Rocco’s a rock. What is Rocco doing here?

Michael Che: Well, he was in the building getting the COVID test.

Elmo: What? How? How is Rocco getting a COVID test? Tell Elmo. Rocco doesn’t even have a nose. Rocco doesn’t even have a respiratory system.

Michael Che: Ay, look. SNL requires all visitors to get tested.

Elmo: Why is Rocco visiting SNL?

Michael Che: Oh, we wanted him to get a feel of the place before he hosts next month.

Elmo: What?

[An Instagram post of SNL appears where it’s written “FEB 19, Rocco, Rocco”.]

Michael Che: Oh, you see? Yes.

Elmo: Rocco is host and musical guest? [yelling] How?

Michael Che: [pulls Rocco near] Hold on. What’s that Rocco? [giggling] Yeah. That’s kind of true. Elmo do be doing that.

Elmo: Don’t gaslight Elmo. Come on, Mike. Elmo feel that Elmo going insane here.

Michael Che: You know, I really like this dude, man. Here, man. Have a cookie. [Michael Che puts a cooking on the small chair or Rocco]

Elmo: Can Elmo have a cookie?

Michael Che: Nah, I’m sorry man. That’s my last one.

Elmo: The last cookie? [starts shivering] The last cookie! It’s happening again. [shouting] Ah! Okay. That’s it! Paper covers rock. Prepare to die Rocco! [puts a paper on the rock and pushes it away]

Michael Che: Oh! Come on, man! Rocco’s family is here. [Cut to few rocks placed on audience seat]

Elmo: Elmo give up. I’m sorry.

Michael Che: Rocco, everybody.

Elmo: Rocco? But Elmo was the one who was your guest.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Bidens Agenda Stalls

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, just like everybody else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolutions fell apart in the third week of January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the Voting Rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low, it’s gone into power save mode. But I will point out there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term. Yet he became an inspiration to generations of Republicans even to this day. I’m talking of course about Jefferson Davis. President of the Confederacy. And there are still statues of him and 10 different states, which come to think of it probably explains why the Voting Rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. Unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. [picture changes to covid rate chart]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta where he called on the Senate to pass two voting rights bill saying, “I am tired of being quiet.” And the prove it, he took a 20 minutes standing nap.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seen here losing the battle with his breakfast burrito, criticized President Biden speech on voting rights calling it beneath his office. Coincidentally, beneath his office it’s also where McConnell buries the homeless men he hunts for sport.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of republican elephant logo at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized for blocking the Voting Rights bill but of course Republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair, they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression, it’s that we’ll never have to hear Republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say “Fo Shizzel”. Frankly, no one wants to hear me say it either. But it’s too late. It’s already a GIF.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Leader of the Oathkeepers Stewart Rhodes has been arrested and charged with seditious conspiracy in connection with the January 6 attack. But I don’t know. He looks pretty remorseful. Hopefully he can patch things up. That wasn’t an eye joke. I was being genuine. Rhodes is being accused of messaging his right wing group with instructions on how to use force to attack the Capitol. Authorities knew that messages were from Rhodes because they all began with [like pirates] “Arr Mete”. That’s not what that was. That wasn’t an eye joke at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Fauci and Roger Marshall at left top corner.

Colin Jost: It wasn’t an eye joke.

Michael Che: No, it wasn’t an eye joke.

Colin Jost: During a Senate committee hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, “Hey, what’s that word mean?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis said this week that getting vaccinated against COVID is a moral obligation. Especially since priests work so closely with kids. That wasn’t an eye joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Delta Airlines said that this winter’s COVID surge cost them more than $400 million in canceled flights after 8000 employees caught Coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open.

Weekend Update Punkie Johnson on Her Familys Holiday Rules

Michael Che

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After two years, TSA inspects family holiday gatherings, to be back to pre pandemic levels. Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

[Punkie Johnson slides in]

Punkie Johnson: Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

Punkie Johnson: I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family and we got lots of holiday rules. So, let’s start off with the most important, food. Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived, Che. They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog. You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease, high blood pressure. Oh, you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

Michael Che: That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

Punkie Johnson: Damn! He ain’t got no foot?

Michael Che: Nope.

Punkie Johnson: That potato salad must be delicious.

Michael Che: It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Punkie Johnson: Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle. All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay. He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc, because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows. And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.” I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back. Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses. Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Michael Che: Well, do you want a baby?

Punkie Johnson: I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever. But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

Michael Che: You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Punkie Johnson: Because what if she turned out straight? I don’t want my baby girl to get boned. Argh! Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on! If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch I ain’t raised you like that. Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

Michael Che: Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.

Punkie Johnson: Watch me. From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper, gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

Michael Che: I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

Punkie Johnson: I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be, “If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing hoes in this house.” There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Michael Che: Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Punkie Johnson: Ma! I’m pregnant!

Weekend Update Pot Sleep Study and Oreo Wine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep. “That’s adorable”, said cocaine.

[Picture changes to Sylvester Stallone]

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will start a new TV series playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City, in what is a absolute nightmare scenario for the closed captioning guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man stares at sun for an hour” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in India has set a new record by staring directly at the Sun for an hour without blinking. The record is for best drugs.

[Picture changes to Galane Maxwell and a woman.]

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Galane Maxwell said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex about three times a day and if not, he’d killed himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s picture of NBC logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s good. But do you get it? NBC said that it would not air the qualifying trials for the Olympic curling team because of an ad on the ice for a Dutch sex toy. Oh, so that’s what that thing is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers make $2 million less than men. That’s just not right. Female doctors?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that if cats were humans, their behavior would classify them as psychopaths. While if dogs were human, they would get “me too’d” on day one.

[Picture changes to a wine and an Oreo]
Barefoot Wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of bread wine with hints of chocolate, while I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of London street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London, England. Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.

[Picture changes to KFC logo]

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called sweet hot capital city mumbo sauce. Coincidentally, sweet hot capital city Mambo sauce is also what Jost calls rap music once.

Colin Jost: No! Once!

Weekend Update Jussie Smollett Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jussie Smollett at left top corner.]

On Thursday, Chicago jury declared Jussie Smollett really bad at acting. Smollett was found guilty of charges related to staging a hate crime. It’s the worst stage hate crime since my all Christian production of Fiddler on the Roof.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

And in legal news, where someone definitely won’t get convicted, Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New York Attorney General Letitia James. James wants to depose Trump under oath on January 7. come on, give the guy a break. I mean, that’s the day after his big anniversary. [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

According to a new report, a former staff member for vice president Kamala Harris says that she often fails to read briefing material and is unprepared for meetings. Well, you know, it feels really amazing to finally see someone in the White House was just like me.

[Picture changes to Ainsley Earhardt]

After the tree outside of Fox News headquarters was set on fire by a homeless man, Fox and Friends host Ainsley Earhardt said “This Scrooge is not going to get away with it.” And nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady calling a homeless man scrooge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Olympic logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: China responded after President Biden announced a diplomatic boycott of the Beijing Olympics by saying the US will pay for its wrongdoing. You wait and see. But America isn’t scared by your threats. And even though NBC is broadcasting the Olympics, they aren’t afraid to let me speak my mind about what the Chinese government is up to. So, you liste–

[Cut to “Technical Difficulties” interference cilp]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump advisor Roger Stone, who draws his glasses on with a sharpie, refused to cooperate with the committee investigating the January 6 attacks. Those stones said he would be open to sitting in the corner watching the committee take turns on his wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia and Ukraine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Russia has deployed 90,000 troops to its border with Ukraine leading many to believe that Vladimir Putin intends to invade the country. And no offense to Ukraine, but why? Is Russia running low on tracksuits and counterfeit cologne? At the same time it’s tough for America to criticize countries who take land from their neighbors. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an anime convention at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC believes the Omicron variant was first appearing in the US during a recent anime convention in New York. Damn! The one time they leave the house.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of vaccination card at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City will require all children over the age of five to show proof of vaccination before dining indoors or going to an entertainment venue. Because if there’s one thing a five year old can do, it’s keep track of a small piece of paper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After CNN fire Chris Cuomo has revealed that the former anchor has been accused of sexual misconduct just like his older brother. “Well, those two are quite a pair,” said Cuomo to a female coworker.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Devin Nunez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Devin Nunez seen here realizing a little came out on that one, announced that he is leaving congress to become CEO of Trump’s new social media company, which again just based on this photo will be called “SQRT”.

Weekend Update Andrew Dismukes Amazing Animals

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: We here at Update sure do love animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys. Here to do his new animal segment and these amazing animals is their own Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in. He has his face painted like a tiger.]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey! Yeah! Hey there, Colin. Rawr! I’m just goofing.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey, Andrew, I really love the face paint.

Andrew Dismukes: Thanks.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really cool. And I understand you also brought some animal friends with you today

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, that’s right, Colin. Animals can do some incredible stuff. And today, I brought my smartest friend Bongo, the octopus. [brings in an octopus in an aquarium]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Andrew Dismukes: So, Bongo here is actually somewhat of a psychic. In fact, he’s correctly predicted the winner of the last three World Cups. And today he’ll be predicting the winner of Sunday’s game between the Packers and Bears.

Colin Jost: Wow. Very cool. So, how does it work?

Andrew Dismukes: Well, when I say go, Bongo will use his sharpie to check off which team he predicts is going to win.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well then, I guess let’s get started.

Andrew Dismukes: Alright. Are you ready Bongo? Begin. [the octopus is raising its tentacle] You know, Colin, octopus are highly intuitive. They can anticipate stressful situations and even experience complex emotions.

Colin Jost: Wow, that’s pretty cool, Andrew.

[bell rings]

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, time’s up. Okay, Bongo. What is your prediction?

[Bongo has written “You will die in 7 days” on the board]

Wait, what?

Colin Jost: Does that say you’re gonna die in seven days?

Andrew Dismukes: Bongo, what are you saying?

[Bongo has written “I’m sorry my friend. It is what I see.” on the board]

Colin Jost: I don’t think an octopus can just–

Andrew Dismukes: Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin. Bongo. You see what man cannot. Therefore I will accept my destiny.

[Bongo has written “Farewell sweet prince” on the board]

Bongo the octopus everyone.

Colin Jost: Wow. That’s really–

Andrew Dismukes: Wasn’t that amazing, Collin?

Colin Jost: Andrew, are you okay?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. I just thought he was gonna pick the Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: Do you want to stop the segment?

Andrew Dismukes: Nah, nah, nah, I’m good. We all gotta die sometime, right? My next furry friend is one talking is pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog. [He pulls in a dog] Here he comes. Okay, taco. Let’s get Taco.

Colin Jost: There’s Taco.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, Taco here communicates by pushing on these buttons. He can even solve some pretty complicated–

Colin Jost: [as the dog is not getting his head above the table level]Pretty shy.

Andrew Dismukes: Yea, pretty shy. He can even solve some basic math problems.

Colin Jost: Oh, basic. Oh good, I love basics.

Andrew Dismukes: Taco, tell the people what’s four plus four?