Tag: Weekend Update

Film Critic Terry Finks 2022 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well it’s officially Oscar season and here to give his predictions for Hollywood’s biggest night is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink slides in]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost, it’s a privilege to be back my sir.

Colin Jost: Terry, I understand you’ve seen every single film up for an Oscar this year, is that right?

Terry Fink: Bingo host, and every film not nominated too. It’s been one heck of a 48 hours.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. You watched every single movie from this year in the last two days. How is that even possible?

Terry Fink: Oh, all thanks to a little multivitamin I take called LSD. The LSD helps me LS-see all these terrific films. First up my pick for best flick, Power of the Dog. Who led this dog out of the closet? That’s the question posed by director Jane Campion in this hysterical gay Western. Benedict Cumberbatch rides high as the titular Dog, the Bounty Hunter. That is until bizarrely stepping through the screen just to make fun of my undies and the voice of my middle school boy. Aside from that, it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Power of the Dog isn’t about dog, the bounty hunter. And you realize LSD isn’t a vitamin. It’s a hallucinogen.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. You say tomato, I say [gibberish]. Next up in animation, fun for the whole Familia and Encanto feels worse than being on fire. Pan drawn by the legendary auteur, the Zodiac Killer. All gray throbbing the stress dream does dragon spots but local gangster rapper Lin Manuel Samantha saves the day once again with his catchy hit, Colin JostTerry Fink hours of screaming. This film warmed my heart, broke my brain and sold my kidney for Dogecoin. I give Encanto 10 Tiny terrified Terry’s. Mr. President?

Colin Jost: Man, Terry, I gotta say I’m really starting to worry about you.

Terry Fink: And I’m starting to worry there is no Terry. C’est la vie. Yeah. Okay, next up my pick for best original screenplay, Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast. Get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville and his band Bop around town and torture each other’s balls. In this troubles era tear jerker. But it’s Dame Judi Dench, who literally sewers as we man shot out of a cannon directly into my open mouth. I couldn’t stop laughing or crying or doing the Nae-Nae until I was forcibly removed by Regal Cinemas strongest teams. I give Jack ass Belfast 4D 20 twerking ticklish Terry’s. Terry?

Colin Jost: You’re Terry.

Terry Fink: And you’re a wonderful friend. Too bad I’m gonna eat your face.

Colin Jost: Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m gonna do it though. Yeah.

Weekend Update Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Rihannas Pregnancy

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Rihanna has been showing her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother and her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: You’re never going to believe it Michael, I’m pregnant again.

Michael Che: How you doing Pauline? Congratulations. Must be such an exciting time.

Pauline: Exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa. You know what it feels like to drop a Drogo? Bad. But here, look at Rihanna. Come on with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I’m trying to shoplift the Turducken. I’m just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant.

Michael Che: Famous pregnant? That was just the honest pregnancy announcement photo, right?

Pauline: Sure it was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy. Walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy. I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. You know, I’ve had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet. It’s making me want to eat all kinds of things. Pickles. Peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.

Michael Che: Pauline!

Pauline: Look, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Pregnancy brain.

Michael Che: Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at fashion week hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.

Pauline: Oh, please. Look at this Michael. Look at her. She looked like she’s going to a sex funeral. She makes it look good. How? I couldn’t even wear this before. If you’re gonna wear something like this, everything’s got to stay put, you know. But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pushay.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Pauline: She’s always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? [showing him a Bugs Bunny slippers] These. I used to wear a size 9. Now, I’m a men’s 15. You know, I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose. I keep begging my doctor double knot them next time, please.

Michael Che: They tied them like shoelaces?

Pauline: Look, I’m out here on my own Michael. At least Rihanna has got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven’t come with me to not one doctors.

Michael Che: Wait, why would I?

Pauline: Because you did this to me.

Michael Che: I did?

Pauline: I said “Let’s use protection,” and you looked me in the eye and said “It don’t feel the same.”

Michael Che: [nodding his head] That does sound like me? Yeah.

Pauline: All right. You know what? I gotta go. I left my kids in Lorne’s office.

Michael Che: Pauline, everybody.

Pauline: I’m younger than Rihanna. I’m only 29.

Weekend Update Russian Forces Slow Down Germany Increases Military Production

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Well, we’re now at the point where in every press conference, the President’s asked, “Will there be a nuclear war?” A journalist asked President Biden if we should be worried about nuclear war and he said no. Because what’s he going to say? “Hell, yeah, man. Start digging a bunker Jack.” It’s like when a little kid asks you where Grandpa is gonna go when he dies? You know, obviously you’re gonna say heaven. But based on some of the stuff Grampy said, you know, hell is also on the table.

[Picture changes to a tank]

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of Germany at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine, which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six year gap in their history books.

[Picture changes to Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin]

French President Emmanuel Macron said that after a tense 90 minute call with Vladimir Putin, he’s convinced that the worst is yet to come. Man. It’s amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin was just a few inches taller.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Lindsey Graham who gives this exact same look at the urinal created a controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russian should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin. It is a shocking disgusting example of Lindsey Graham being kind of right about something.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Russian Vodka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio and Utah have banned the sale of Russian made vodka. No word yet on brides.

[Picture changes to members of congress]

Many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine, while Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the last year, disappearing to the background.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here being told someone’s pronouns, DeSantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks saying, “Stop with this COVID theater.” And there’s nothing more on brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Vaccine requirement lifted” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starting on Monday, New York City will no longer require bars and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards. The city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events. “Finally!”, said the next variant.

Weekend Update Kate McKinnon on Floridas Dont Say Gay Bill

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week Florida’s controversial “Don’t say gay” bill passed its final state senate committee. Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

[Kate McKinnon slides in.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry to barge in here out of costume. I just heard about this law. And I think it’s amazing.

Colin Jost: You do?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word gay. Like, you know, “That’s so gay” or “Ew, you’re gay.” It just made me feel horrible and to hear that Ron Dis Candice has taken a stand and said, “No, you cannot say gay in school anymore.” I’m just like, I’m so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. So, actually, I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. The law actually means that you can’t acknowledge that gay exists at all.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, like teachers can’t speak about gay people in history or if a kid has a gay family member.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, and if a kid confides that they’re gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, sorry to break this to you. It’s probably affecting what you were gonna say.

Kate McKinnon: No, yeah. Okay, well, that’s okay. Oh, no, I’ll say something. It’s just that thing of like, when they say “Don’t say gay,” then it’s like stuck in your head. But it’s fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. Sorry. Deeply concerned. It just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans– Sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just think these laws are lesbians. Sorry. Unconscionable, unconscionable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple of times.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Well, I’m just trying to make sense of all this. Like, does this don’t say gay law have a purpose?

Colin Jost: Well, I think it’s so kids aren’t going home with questions that parents don’t want to answer. I don’t know what the idea is.

Kate McKinnon: So like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young? That’s good. They’ll be less confused.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, look Colin, if the 90s right and gay means bad, than this is the gayest law I have ever seen. So kids, listen up. If you can’t say it, you might as well sing it.

[singing in the rhythm of ‘Smoke on the water’] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay

Colin Jost: Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Weekend Update Euphoria Fans Criticize Creator Dunkins Shamrock Macchiato

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Serena Williams at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister Venus Williams and labeled it as Serena. Worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Euphoria poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fans of the hit HBO show Euphoria had been harshly criticized in the series creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus it’s just not accurate. I mean, take it from me, no one has sex in high school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s old picture from high school.] Don’t applause that much.

[Picture changes to Capitol building]

The House voted to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the only all female black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all and his new film” Inglourious Bersterds”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dubai’s museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dubai has opened the museum of the future which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let’s just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

[Picture changes to a dark room]

A new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark, especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictire of Shamrock Macchiato by Dunkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock macchiato which combines espresso vanilla and Irish cream. It’s the festive sugary drink that will have you saying “Top O’ the morning” and losing the bottom O’ your leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet with $4000 returned tot he owner” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Times Square returned a lost while it filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. When told how much money was in the return wallet, the man replied… [sound of a gunshot]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wheel of Fortune at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle saying, “Have a little heart”, or as the contestants would guess, “Hayes a nipple heave.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 1st March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was National Pig day, but I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whiskey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiast when I say, “Ba?”

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Peyton Manning on the NFL Playoffs

Colin Jost

Peyton Manning

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week’s NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships. Here to comment is Hall of Fame quarterback and two time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

[Peyton Manning slides in]

Peyton Manning: Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m very happy you’re here. Peyton, you probably have a better perspective on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I heard they were incredible.

Colin Jost: You heard?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

Colin Jost: So, you didn’t watch any of the games?

Peyton Manning: Well, I plan to. But I had an hour to kill before the first game and just for fun, I put on the first episode of Emily in Paris, season two. And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh my god, Colin. This show has everything. Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture. A fresh take on feminism, finally. Not gonna mention a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, I’m glad you liked Emily in Paris. But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady might be retiring?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I’m not sure it’s true. I think it’s probably just speculation. But if it were me, I probably would retire if it gave me more time to watch Emily in Paris. I really think for Tom right now. It’s just a tough decision between balancing his career and relationships. Sort of like Emily. Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown between Emily’s career and her love life. Early on the O’s were getting completely dominated by the axis. And there were a lot of X’s if, you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: I do not know.

Peyton Manning: Gabrielle, Matthew, kiddo, Timothy, Doug from Chicago, obviously. Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabrielle and to get ahead at work. But as long as Camille is blocking her, she’s got to go through her progressions and check down to Alfie in the flat. Sure. It feels like a broken play and she’s just dumping it off. But emotionally she’s making forward progress.

Colin Jost: How much time did you spend on this?

Peyton Manning: And don’t even get me started on the coaching, okay? Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise to forget about Gabrielle and stay true to Alfie? Saclay blue man. It’s time of season two. You got to call a time out there. Ooh, la la? More like, “Oh no, you didn’t girl.”

Colin Jost: Oh man, I don’t know.

Peyton Manning: But you know what’s not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion. Stripped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hat, fur trim cardigan and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car, but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lutes. By the way, that’s look, but it’s spelled L-E-W-K.

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly, I just cannot believe that you just spent Colin Jost0 straight hours watching Emily in Paris. You could have seen Josh Allen, Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.
Peyton Manning: Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do. That’s what everyone expected me to do. But if I’ve learned anything from Emily, it’s to follow my passions and always be true to myself. The French How to saying, “Polly boo francais”, Which means you do you girl.

Colin Jost: No. I’m pretty sure that just means “Do you speak French?”

Peyton Manning: I don’t speak French Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

Colin Jost: Wow. Alright, so you think that season two was even better than season one?

Peyton Manning: Wait, there’s a season one?

Colin Jost:  Peyton Manning, everyone.

Peyton Manning: Go Bills!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Peloton Heart Attacks Alcoholic Mountain Dew

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is concerned after the TV show Billions became the second series in recent weeks to show a character having a heart attack while using their exercise bike. And they’re extremely worried about how they factor into Season 2 of Squid Game.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Item from the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s personal library are being auctioned off. They’re selling the books and the desk, but to honor Ginsburg’s legacy they’re gonna hang on to the seat for way longer than they should. [he puts on the glasses similar to Ginsburg’s] I’ll put on the glasses.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “Horse that played seabiscuit dies”]

The horse that played Seabiscuit in the 2003 film has died at the age of 24. So let’s pour one out for a legend. [Picture changes to a pouring glue]

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a Full House mansion at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of Full House is selling his Beverly Hills mansion which was built on the site of a Manson Family murder. Wow, it is crazy to think that house has connections to a sick twisted criminal. I’m sure she’s fine.

[Picture changes to a burger]

McDonald’s has introduced a new sandwich that combines beef, fish and chicken that they’re calling the land air and sea. Wait is air the chicken? Does McDonald’s think chickens fly? Or do they think this is a chicken? [Picture changes to pigeon]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study of female bottlenose dolphins suggests that their clitoris can experience pleasure during sexual stimulation. But sadly their fins can’t reach.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new can of drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is being converted into a new alcoholic Seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI.

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman on Staying Cozy in the Winter

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Shiver me timbers. It’s cold here at 30 Rock. Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey Sarah. So, you’re here to talk about the winter?

Sarah Sherman: That’s right. Winter rocks. All the bugs are dead. It’s amazing.

Colin Jost: Okay, so you don’t mind the cold at all.

Sarah Sherman: Collin. I’m cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m sorry. Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

Colin Jost: I mean, I don’t know. A little.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, I’m sorry. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local female body inspector Colin Jost prefers hairless genitals”] This just in, local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes his female coworker had hairless genitals like a blow up doll. Now, back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: That’s not– I don’t care about your body hair.

Sarah Sherman: Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body. I’m basically your son’s age.

Colin Jost: So, you’re like six months old?

Sarah Sherman: You wish, sicko. You’d kill to change my diaper, wouldn’t you?

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sarah, that’s disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, you think that’s disgusting? You know what’s disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.Can you believe? Yeah. Can you believe I have to pay $Sarah Sherman00 A month?

Colin Jost: You pay $Sarah Sherman00 for rent. Where do you live?

Sarah Sherman: Wow. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks comedian”] Wow! Breaking news. Hamptons homeowner  Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

Colin Jost: You live in my dog house? Sarah, what do you want for me?

Sarah Sherman: $6,000.

Colin Jost: I’m not giving you 6 grand.

Sarah Sherman: Your funeral. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost-Hansson has not a dime to spare”] In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL’s underpaid rookie, even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Colin Jost: You didn’t say that.

Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Can we talk about you and Che? It’s always ‘will they won’t they’ with you two. Why don’t you just get it over with and make out already?

Colin Jost: No. I’m not kissing Che.

Sarah Sherman: Wrong answer. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local sex bigot rejects queer love”] This just in. Local sex bigot Colin Jost violently rejects radical act of queer interracial Love.

Michael Che: You are so small minded, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. You want to kiss? Let’s do it.

[Colin Jost leans towards Michael Che to kiss.]

Michael Che: [avoiding kiss] Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Jost thinks being gay is a… joke?”]

Sarah Sherman: Breaking news. Queer baiting Update anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Michael Che: Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: I want you guys to kiss.