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Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

MIchael Che

[Starts with MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Nike Air Jordan at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Nike has announced that it’ll start testing a large scale 3D printer to make Air Jordans. The way it works is that the printer actually makes little Malaysian kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people in line at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A number of airports around the country are trying to reliever the stress caused by long security lines by hiring clowns to entertain travelers. Because nothing puts you at ease like a clown whispering, “Have a safe flight.”

[picture changes to Facebook logo and a mobile phone.]

A man streamed the birth of his son live on Facebook and has been more than 50,000 times. [picture changes to MIchael Che using a computer.] Weirdly all by Che.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and a spa at left top corner.]

MIchael Che: A Burger King in Finland has opened a world’s first fast food store in a spa. So yea, you’re going to fart during that massage.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Thursday was National Hepatitis Testing Day. And good news, I got an A.

[Cut to Colin Jost and MIchael Che]

MIchael Che: Why are you smiling?

Colin Jost: Last year I got a C. Anyway, this is the last episode of the season and there were lots of jokes we wrote this year and some of them were little too harsh to do on air.

MIchael Che: But we decided that since its the end of the year, why don’t we just do some of the, right? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They fire Colin?

Colin Jost: What? [looking around]

MIchael Che: So, here’s the first one.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of a football field and a helmet at right top corner.]

A high school student in Arizona was arrested after it was discovered that he exposed his penis in a football team picture. The yearbook staff knew something was off with the picture when they noticed that there was one extra helmet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Muslim student in a high school in California was upset after the school yearbook falsely printed her name as ISIS. While the yearbook also mistakenly identified their only Asian student as [Picture changes to a picture of an asian student with name ‘Kung Fu Panda’] Kung Fu Panda.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Khloe Kardashian at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband, Lamar Odem. If you want a preview of what the sex tape looks like, just watch Kim sex tape in a funhouse mirror.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of cartoon Lucky Charms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The actor who provided the voice of the Lucky Charms Leprechaun died this week at the age of 93, after his tumor turned out to be [singing] magically malignant.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Indian flag at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: I don’t know what’s wrong with that one. A 70 year old woman in India has given birth to her first child. Doctors described the birth as, “Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Subway logo and Jared Fogle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And finally, former Subway sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty to having sex with minors was sentenced to Colin Jost5 years in prison. And good news for Jared cell mate, Jared has a ton of experience eating the same thing everyday for Colin Jost5 years.

[Cut to MIchael Che.]

MIchael Che: Who do you feel sorry for?

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

The NRA in Friday officially endorsed Donald Trump. I assume because they didn’t do a background check. If they had, they would have seen that when President Obama called for gun control in the wake of the Newtown shooting, Donald Trump tweeted, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “President Obama spoke for me and every American in his remarks in #Newtown Connecticut.” He wrote #Newtown but forgot to write “#MightHaveToCompletelyChangeMyViewsIfIEndUpBeingARepublican”.

Ultimately though, it does make sense that NRA would endorse Trump because Trump himself is kind of like a gun. We think he’s gonna make us feel safe and strong but he might end up accidentally killing us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the speech to the NRA, Trump claimed that Hillary Clinton would abolish the second amendment which is just not true. Look, NRA, nobody is trying to take your guns away from you. We understand how much you need them for the apocalypse and your daughter’s wedding and two fried bacon on. Look, and it’s easy form me to say because I’m from big fancy New York city and I never have to must get a pass him in the face for suffer, but I assure you, nobody is trying to take you precious guns away from you. Except maybe a curious toddler. Which ironically is exactly why Hillary Clinton is trying to prevent this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: We also got a glimpse this week in how Hillary and Trump would each respond in a crisis after the Egypt air flight went down. Hillary said, “Let’s wait and get all the facts.” Trump said, “If anyone doesn’t think it got blown out of the sky, you’re 100% wrong.” Trump was 100% certain. Keep in mind, he was also 100% certain that people would want to buy steaks at the Sharper Image. I’d love to watch an episode of Law and Order with Donald Trump. The first guy walks in, “He did it! 100%.” And I’m like, “Donald, that’s Ice Tea. [Picture changes to rapper Ice Tea] He’s one of the detectives.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

During the interview this week, Donald Trump said that if he becomes president, he would be willing to talk directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Most likely in a thick Korean accent with squinty eyes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to delegate count, Hillary Clinton is fewer than 100 delegates away from her party’s presidential nomination. Which explains Hillary’s new campaign slogan, “Finish Him!!”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows that New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is now at an all time low. Coming in more than 10 points below Bon Jovi playing the new stuff. It’s low. Still at an all time high though, his belt!

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anonymous bidder has paid nearly $140,000 in an auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to shoot Trayvon Martin. And all he has to do to collect the money is meet the anonymous buyer at midnight on the corner of 146th in Malcolm X Boulevard.

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]

Hillary and Bernie Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]

Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.

Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]

Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.

Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.

Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.

[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]

Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.

Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters. 

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.

Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council. 

Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?

Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?

Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.

Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.

Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.

Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?

Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm. 

Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.

Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?

[Bartender comes in]

Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?

Bernie Sanders: Her’s.

Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.

Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?

Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!

Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!

Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.

Hillary Clinton: Really?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”

Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?

Bernie Sanders: Sure.

Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.

[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]

Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.

Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?

Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.

Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]

And I’ll lead.

Hillary Clinton: Never!

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]

[They run into Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?

Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]

[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]

Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

Fred Armisen One Man Show Monologue

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be standing on this stage hosting Saturday Night Live, the finale. Yeah! And it’s not just the season finale, this is the last one ever! SNL is a very important place to me. I got my start here. I grew up here. I owe everything to this place. Which is why for the past six months I’ve been doing this one man show about my time at this incredible institution. It’s called ‘Love, from New York, I did Saturday’s right’. And if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to perform a part of it for you. What do you think?

[cheers and applause]

I’m gonna do a scene about my audition. Okay? It’s about 2 hours and 40 minutes long. I’m gonna chance my jacket.

[Someone brings in another jacket for 1 and he changes it, but it’s the same jacket.]

[music playing]

[acting] Hey, everybody. Look who it is. Funny Freddy. He thinks he’s gonna tell jokes for living. [changes voice] Hey Funny Freddy, you’re funny alright. Funny looking!

[narrating] Growing up in Long Island, no one ever gave me much of a chance of making it in show business.

[making voice] Why do you want to be a comedian, Freddy? Come work with me at the pizza parlor.

[narrating] Pa was always riding me working at pizzas. And mom, well, she just wanted me to settle down. [making mom’s voice] “When are you gonna find a nice girl, Freddy? What are you waiting for?”

[narrating] The truth was I don’t know what I was waiting for. So, one day the phone rang. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. You know, the funny thing about a phone call is you never know who it is until you answer it. It could be your aunt, your grandmother, an old friend or wrong number. Ha-ha-ha. But this… this was the call that changed my life. 

[acting like he’s talking on the phone] Hello. What? Saturday Night Live? You want me to audition? This better not be a joke.

[narrating] And it wasn’t a joke. It was the realest thing that had ever happened in my life. And after I packed my suitcase, I ran to the train station so fast that I swear, my feet didn’t even touch the ground.

[acting] Ay, look at Funny Freddy go. [changing voice] You’ll be back Freddy. Nobody makes it out of this town.

[narrating] But I couldn’t hear them because I had put on my headphones and I was listening to New York New York by the chairman himself, Frank Sinatra. I couldn’t afford the rights to that song so I had to do a sound alike, if you don’t mind. 

[singing] New York city
living in New York city

[narrating] The next thing I know we were pulling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And soon as on this stage doing my audition. I hit them with the Liberace.

[playing Liberace character] Oh, I’m a bad boy.

[narrating] Then I gave them the Ringo

[playing Ringo character] Peace and love. Peace and love.

[narrating] And then, I finished it off with Prince. [playing his Prince character] [cheers and applause]

Yes! When it’s over, I flowed off the stage. My feet didn’t even touch the ground. And NBC page walked up to me.

[making voice] Mr. Lorne Michaels would like to see you.

[narrating] The Lorne Michaels? And before I knew it, I was sitting across him in his office. The walls are lined with picture of him from the 70s, a few from the 80s, none from the past 10 years. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk or he is. Finally, he breaks the silence.

[playing Lorne Michaels] So, I think you’re very funny and I think you have a bright future.

[narrating] He sounded exactly the way I thought he would.

[playing Lorne Michaels] How would you like to work here?

[narrating] I walked outside in days. I grabbed a first person I see.

[walks to an audience and holds her] Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream?

Audience: No.

Fred Armisen: No, you’re not supposed to answer. Is this a dream? Is this a dream? I’m asking you, is this a dream? [silence] Oh, you’re ruining it. Sorry.

[Fred walks to the stage]

I take the train home. The wheels didn’t even touch the track. As I got off, I looked around my town and I thought, I don’t even live here anymore. But then I heard a voice. [making voice] Ay Funny Freddy!

[narrating] Oh, no! Those two guys who never believed in me. Always gave me a hard time.

[making voice] Hey Funny Freddy.

What? What do you want?

[making voice] We’re proud of you.

[narrating] That’s the first time I thought, “I’m gonna miss this place. I am going to miss this place.” [walks around the stage silently]

The critics said that his part is too long but I like it.

Alright. [walking around] Okay, dim the lights down. [The lights dim] Not so fast. Not quick. No. Slow. Not at 22 to 24. There we go.

[walking around] Okay. Bring them back up a little bit. Back down. Down. Out. Out. Out. Out.

[sits down] Okay, fully up. Right back up. And there we are.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. Definitely the next Hamilton. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Courtney Barnett is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song)

[Andy Samberg Music video starts]

Andy Samberg: [singing] Finest girl I ever met in my whole life
Wanted to take her home, make her my wife
Knew she was a freak when she started talking

She said, “fuck me like we fucked Bin Laden”

That girl was freak
She said she wanted me to fuck her harder then the military

Fucked Bin Laden

Fuck Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me harder then the US government
Fucked Bin Laden

[rapping] She was a freaky kind of girl
Kept up with current events from all around the world
More specifically one event
The time Osama Bin Laden got shot in the head
She said “do me like that”
But I couldn’t track the metaphor
That said I can see you horny like a Stegosaur
That said again your request is so irregular
She put on a beard, I started looking at the exit door
Then a turban
Then a tunic
She said “invade my cave with your special unit”
I said “he wasn’t in a cave”, but there was no stopping
She demanded that I fuck her like we

[singing] Fucked Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me harder then the US government
Fucked Bin Laden

This girl requested intercourse to bring her to climax
With the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden

[rapping] You’re harboring a fugitive (that ass)
My justice will be punitive (I’ma smash)
Night-vision, they can see us through my go-pro
She tried to negotiate, I said that’s a no-no
Now I’m creeping in her bed room like go-go
She tells me to go low then looks down and tells me that I gotta
“Terrorize that pussy”
“Gotta terrorize that pussy”
So I did it, improvise some crazy shit
Seal Team sixty-nine sexecuting the hit
She said “now you’ve finished me off, throw my body in the ocean”
I yell “geronimo!” and took some pictures for posting
The President called, he said “congratulations Connor”
I said “Mr. President, to what do I owe this honor?”
He said “come give me the deets in the White House garden
I gots to know how you fucked her like we

[singing] Fucked Bin Laden”
Fuck Bin Laden
Fuck Bin Laden

I still can’t say that I see the appeal, but she wanted me to fuck her like we fucked Bin Laden

Oh, this girl insisted that that the way we did it was merciless and exact sanity attack
Just like the now-famous attack that fucked
Osama Bin Laden

[Andy Sambers wakes up on a couch]

Damn, the whole thing was a virtual reality experience.

Farewell Mr. Bunting

Principal… Bobby Moynihan

Thomas Dultan… Pete Davidson

Rooney… Kyle Mooney

Mr. Bunting… Fred Armisen

Kelaw… Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Principal entering a classroom angrily]

Principal: Sit down! As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere. His unorthodox methods have done enough damage. As your principal, I’ll be taking over this class until the end of the year. Mr. Dultan, please tell me where you left off in the text book.

[Dultan doesn’t know]

Mr. Rooney, since Mr. Dultan cannot be bothered, where did you leave off?

Rooney: Well sir, we kind of skipped around a bit.

Principal: Fine! Then we will start from the beginning. Mr– [door knocking]

[Mr. Bunting enters]

Mr. Bunting: Excuse me. [Students look at Mr. Bunting] I came to collect my personals. Should I come back after class?

[The students seem upset]

Principal: Get them now, Mr. Bunting. Mr. Kelaw, continue. Please read from page one.

Kelaw: We have ripped out all the pages, sir.

[Kelaw shows the book. There aren’t any pages there.]

Jay: And turned them into hats.

[Jay shows the hat and puts it on his head]

Principal: Although, you can borrow mine. Now, read.

Kelaw: [reading] Poetry should not be fun. It should be oppressive and the reader should hate it. Poems are from hundred years ago. They were written by a bunch of dead men to punish children. [Mr. Bunting is walking with his belongings] The arts in general are for women and homosexuals. When you read a poem, you should never feel… emotion. In summary, poem stink.

[Thomas cannot help himself. He stands up.]

Thomas: Mr. Bunting, we didn’t want you to get fired. They made us sign that paper.

Principal: Sit down, Mr. Dultan.

Mr. Bunting: It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay.

[Thomas sits down]

Principal: Leave, Mr. Bunting. Right now.

[As Mr. Bunting is walking out, Rooney stands on his desk.]

Rooney: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: Sit down this instant.

[Jay also stands on his desk]

Jay: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: I will have you both expelled if you do not sit down immediately.

[Jon stands on his desk]

Mr. Bunting, please!

Jon: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Kelaw stands on his desk]

Kelaw: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Mr. Bunting is looking at his students proudly.]

[Thomas also stands on his desk]

Thomas: I sing my song–

[Thomas’s head is chopped off by the ceiling fan.]

[All the students are terrified. There’s blood all over the classroom and everyone.]

[Everyone looks at Mr. Bunting]

Mr. Bunting: Alright, I’m gonna take off. You guys have my email and everything, right?

[No one answers. Mr. Bunting just leaves.]

[The End]

Expedition

Aidy Bryant

David Paul… Fred Armisen

Donny Grande… Kyle Mooney

Harriet Walls… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a classroom]

Aidy: Okay class, settle down now. Now, we’ve been learning a lot about western expansion. Well, guess what? Last night, I was at an Italian restaurant having a glass of wine and a lovely meatball salad. And the table right next to me had some actors from the Albany Educational Theatre Festival. And they were doing a new show about Lewis and Clark. How exciting is that?

[The students are not excited at all]

So, I asked them to come and perform for you and they said yes. Come on in, guys.

[Aidy opens the door. Three people walk in looking very excited]

David: Hey. Hey, everybody.

Donny: Hey, everyone. Great looking class.

Harriet: We are three of the actors from the show Lewis and Clark.

David: That’s right. I’m playing Lewis. My name is David Paul. I relate to Lewis on so many levels. Oh god, where do I start? We’re both athletic outdoorsmen. You know the type. If you saw me on long shorts and a tank top, you’d see exactly what I’m talking about. [pointing at Sasheer] Right, lady?

Sasheer: I don’t know what that means.

Donny: And we’ve heard a lot about Lewis. What the heck about Clark? Hi, I’m Donny Grande. I’ll be playing the role of trusty sidekick Clark. Soldier, explorer, politician and boo, slave owner.

Harriet: But remember guys, nobody knew it was bad back then. And hi. I’m Harriet Walls. But all of you probably know me by my non-equity stage name Diamond Karns. Now I’ll be playing Indian girl, Sake Juwiya. Just feel free to laugh, cry or simply enjoy by screaming out. You know? We don’t wanna tell you how to feel.

David: Just please don’t touch us.

Harriet: Okay? So then, everyone get ready to time travel back to 1803.

[Harriet plays the background music.]

[They act as if they’re walking]

David: Where are you taking us, Sake Joe?

Donny: We’ve been going now for it seems like days.

Harriet: We go up. More up. Mountain.

David: [screaming] Ah!

Donny: What’s wrong Lewis?

David: This is driving me mad.

Donny: I know. The cold is colder than any cold I’ve known before.

David: Not that. My manly urges. Isn’t she driving you crazy? I need sex.

Donny: With Sake Joe? I won’t lie. I guess I have thought about it.

David: Perhaps we should have three of us laying with each other.

Donny: As long as you make it clear that she is the one in the middle.

David: I was hoping I would be in the middle and she’d be on the right.

Donny: Where am I again?

Harriet: Stop. There is danger. I sense evil spirit. I must track them away with the dance of my ancestors.

[Harriet starts dancing. David and Donny are looking at her.]

Sasheer: Is this okay for us to watch?

Jordan: Yes!

Donny: Ah! I fear on my release!

David: No, save it. Stick to the plan.

Aidy: Okay, okay. I need to stop you right now. Okay. I need to stop you because this is breathtaking. I am very moved and I think I better go back over there before I start crying.

David: Don’t apologize. We love feedback.

Harriet: Okay guys, anyway, skip ahead. We make it to the continental divide all the way to the pacific coast. But what happened next? Let’s go back and see.

[Harriet plays the background music]

David: We made it. Now we can do that thing we were talking about.

Donny: Yes. Should I get down on the ground?

David: Yes. And I will lay on top of you so that Juwiya can lay off to our right.

Donny: Off? No, this is not what I wanted. Lewis, I told you how it has to go down for me to be okay with everything.

David: It’s gonna be the same thing. It feels exactly the same. She’ll be right nearby. Just, lay on this rock part.

[David lays Donny on the table]

Donny: No Lewis, stop. Get off me.

Jon: Is this part of the play or is it really happening?

Aidy: Okay, kid. Be quiet and have some damn respect for our guests.

David: Relax Clark, don’t fight this.

Harriet: Look my eyes while he lay one you.

Donny: No!

Harriet: Pretend it me.

David: Listen to her. She has ancient wisdom.

Harriet: It’s true.

[school bell ringing]

Aidy: Okay class, I’m sorry, they were just about to do it. [the students walk outside] But we have to stop here. The kids have their lunch break. [Jordan is staying] Jordan, don’t you wanna eat?

Jordan: No, no. I’m finally engaged with learning.

David: Wow, we’re getting through to someone.

Harriet: Well, alright, let’s take it home fellas.

David: Okay. Take your pans off Clark

Donny: Fine! Just no kissing.

David: Of course not.

Harriet: I stay here.

Aidy: Jordan, are you crying as hard as I am?

[The End]

Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.]

[Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing]

[Leslie starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female Character

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study reveals that movies with female leads like Frozen and the Hunger Games still give most of the dialog to the men. Here to talk about it is the one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

Heather: Hey Jost. Good to see you again.

Colin Jost: Yes, welcome back Heather. So, how do you feel about this new study?

Heather: However, you feel I guess. Maybe like this. [Cut to Heather] Maybe like this. “Hmm”. Or maybe like this. “Pfft.” If I get too angry then I’m not sexy anymore. I’m just a nag. And I’m not old enough to play the nag. You have to be 28 for that. I’m somewhere between eighteen and 27. But I date 40 and up. The fatter, the better.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s cool.

Heather: Thanks. That means a lot to me. I needed to hear that today. Just promise me you won’t get too drunk tonight with your crazy friend Bruce.

Colin Jost: Who is Bruce?

Heather: Bruce. You know. As a joke he fed you X and [Cut to Heather] you messed you pants in the sand trap. I was watching from the golf cart doing this. [sigh]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You were?

Heather: Yeah, but it was cut coz the test audience [Cut to Heather] couldn’t tell why I was there or who I was or why I would care or that if it was caring that I was showing on my face. Should I show some side boob now?

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t– You don’t need to do that. No.

Heather: Wow, you sound just like a girl. By the way, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life.

Colin Jost: I- I guess it’s pretty funny. Yeah.

Heather: Wow. I feel like I can really be myself around you. [music playing] Like, go to a baseball game with you and know the nickname of the player. Then I’ll go get hotdogs without any help. And on the way back, I’ll accidentally stick my butt in your friend’s face. Then he’ll get a boner and you’ll accidentally touch it. Then you two will be on the kisscam and I’ll be out of the movie for the next 45 minutes.

Colin Jost: Where do you go?

Heather: Oh, I just turn off. Everything kind of goes black for me. Then I come back to watch you do karaoke. And I surprise you by taking my clothes off in front of you after one shot of tequila. [Cut to Heather] And that’s when they found out cartoon finish that’s also in the movie says, “Nice bush. You don’t see those much anymore.” That’s how you know it’s a comedic part for me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, they may not give you the most line–

Heather: The least. I have the least. And the movie is named after me.

Colin Jost: What’s it called?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Bagging Heather. The fish is really funny. At one point, I sneeze into a Kleenex full of semen but nobody tells me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Oh my god! Heather, that’s–

Heather: It’s okay. In the sequel, it’s like I never existed.

Colin Jost: So, what’s next for you?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I can’t say any more lines or they have to pay me like a man.

[Heather looks at the ceiling and pauses]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think she just turned off. The one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.