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The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.]

[The End]

Singing on Primaries

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]

Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?

Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?

All: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.

Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.

Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.

Vanessa:  mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!

Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…

All: She’s no Bernie.

[music playing]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize

[Cut to Taran and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.

Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Bernie is the best.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Vanessa: Bernie is change.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark

[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]

at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you

Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.

Hillary Clinton: I love you.

Aidy: But not when Hillary does.

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

[Hillary Clinton walks away]

Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?

Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.

Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.

Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.

Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.

Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.

Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.

Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.

All: Yes, he’s the best.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t

Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t

[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.

All: You do?

Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?

[everybody laughing]

[music playing]

[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]

Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–

Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?

Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?

Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.

Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.

Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.

[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]

Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!

[plays rock guitar]

I’ll see you in the south

[plays rock guitar]

And live from New York

[plays rock guitar]

It’s Saturday Night!

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in]

[girl moaning sound]

[Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away]

[girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]

Melissa McCarthy Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hi. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness. This is so exciting. It’s Valentine’s Day show. It’s just… I have a little something unusual for you. I want everybody right now to look under their chair. Go ahead. Look under your chair. And if you anyone finds a glove, there’s one glove from this week. It’s like, caramely color. It’s a goodie and if you find it just give me a holla. It’s missing it’s sister.

I’ve been having just the most amazing week here. My whole family is here. I just finished a new movie called “The Boss” I did with my husband. We had a blast doing it. But I’ll tell you what. Honestly, all I can think about is the fact that I am hosting SNL for the fifth time tonight. Yeah. Which means I am officially now a member of the Five Timer’s club. But before they come out here and make a fuss to give me my Five Timer’s jacket, I just wanna say one little thing. Hit it!

[music playing]

[singing] Never in my wildest dreams I ever expected to host a show five times
they say five time’s a charm, I got a tattooed on my arm, 555

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: Born to host five times

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: I hosted five times

[Melissa McCarthy wars glasses that say 5X]

Five Timer’s club is mine

Backup singers: Five, five, five, five, five,
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five

[Kenan walks in wearing a big ‘5’ outfit]

Kenan: Stop it! Can we stop? Melissa, you’ve only hosted four times.

Melissa McCarthy: No, that’s not true. Five, five, five, five, five.

Kenan: Can you put her down. No, please stop.

Melissa McCarthy: No, what?

Kenan:  It’s only four. I googled it while I was backstage sweating in this foam ‘5’ costume that you made me wear.

[All the backup singers leave the stage]

Melissa McCarthy: Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. That’s not right. Wait a minute. [counting] First one was 2011, 2013, 2014, tonight, last year was a 40th, you know, 40th anniversary special. That’s five.

Kenan: No. No. The 40th doesn’t count baby girl. That counts for like, 1/16th of a hosting. So, that’s like four and 1/16th.

Melissa McCarthy: [opens her glasses] So, am I not getting Five Timer’s jacket?

Kenan: No. But look, you get this. [hands over Melissa McCarthy a banana wearing a tiny suit.] That’s cool.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh! Yeah. It is cool Why is it on a banana?

Kenan: Well, just to show scale. There’s more here. Look at these. [hands over 4&1/16th glasses]

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, these are even bigger than the Five’s. Oh, and the banana. I mean, ou think about it, now I’m like at my own club have a 4&1/16er.

Kenan: Yeah. Now, sing the damn song.

[music playing]

[Backup singers come in dancing]

Melissa McCarthy: [singing] Tonight will still be fun because I’m hosting for the 4&1/16th times

It’s even better!

never felt quite so alive, tonight I’m gonna really dive 4&1/16th times

Backup singers: She’s hosting four, four, 4&1/16th times

Melissa McCarthy: We got a great show. Kanye West is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kyle Vs Kanye

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

[Starts with video clips of Kyle in his daily life]

Kyle narrating: Yes, I’m nervous. Of course I’m nervous. But it’s like, this is the thing I’ve wanted my whole life.

[Cut to Kyle preparing for the show]

Kyle: [rapping] Man, I wear MCs like a sandal
blow them out, be gone, flame from the candle

Kyle narrating: When I’m rhyming, when I’m rapping, that’s me. I mean this is what I’ve been working for. This is what I’ve been building towards, and if I don’t try now, when will I try?

[Cut to Kyle on TV show]

Kyle: This week is exciting though. With Kanye on and I’m a big fan. This week I think I wanna freestyle battle him.

Male TV Host: That’s very gutsy.

Female TV Host: That is gutsy.

Kyle narrating: I feel like a lot of people are wondering like, why are you focusing on this? My goal here is for people all over the world to look at me and just go like, “Wait a second. That’s hiphop.”

[Cut to video clip of Kyle rapping when he was just a kid.]

Hiphop culture has always been so important to me. I even taught myself how to break dance. And I was good. Like, really, really, really, really, really good. Here I am, a kid, moonwalking.  So, I’m doing albums, music videos, thinking this is what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life, it’s all finally happening. And then, this is where it’s not easy. Then I got hired by Saturday Night Live. And I have no idea what I’m doing out there.

[Cut to video clips of old SNL videos of Kyle Mooney]

I’m lost. I’m scared. I’d feel like everybody’s thinking, “Wait, he’s not a rapper.”

It’s like when people see me, they see, “Oh, he’s this white nerdy guy.” Sort of heartthrob, who’s like on the rise maybe. But that doesn’t matter. The real reason I’m here is to become the greatest rapper alive. And I think I can do that by beating Kanye West in a battle. Freestyle battle. Kanye West, man that stinks, grab a mint!  What is that? Your Kanye breath? Wow! That’s actually dope.

[Cut to a video clip of Kyle talking to Beck in a wedding ceremony.]

Kyle: Beck.

Beck: What’s up?

Kyle: I think it’s going to happen. I think I’m about to battle Kanye.

Beck: No. I don’t think that’s a good idea, man.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Here we go.

[Cut to Kyle approaching Kanye at SNL studio]

Kyle: Kanye, I’m gonna battle you.

Kanye: Huh?

Kyle: Kanye West, you knew–

Kanye West, you need a mint for you Kanye breath
and when I’m done with you, there should be no Kanye left
and are you gonna say anything?
No, I guess not, coz it seems like I’m the catcher
You’ve just been caught,
taught, like I’m a teacher with lesson

Kanye: I miss the old Kanye
trap up the soul Kanye
straight from the G.O.A.T Kanye
ill with the flow Kanye
I hate the new Kanye
the always rude Kanye
the bad mood Kanye
spazzing the news Kanye
I miss the old Kanye
kicking the flows Kanye
Where are the props at yet?
I miss the old Kanye
we know we love Kanye
You used to love Kanye
You had that pink pullover
You thought you was Kanye
we still love Kanye
that’s all it was, Kanye
well guess what? I love you like Kanye loves Kanye

[Kanye turns around leaves]

Kyle narrating: Well, that was the biggest mistake of my life. I just destroyed Kanye in a rap battle and now he’s probably really sad. Well, at least my career’s on fire! Yes! Do it the!

[The End]

Cul-De-Sac Reaction

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Dadi… Melissa McCarthy

Diane… Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Cul-De-Sac test screening]

Cecily: Okay, hi there folks. Again, we appreciate you all attending our test screening this evening. Now, we reviewed your comment cards and the Cul-De-Sac was one of our highest scoring horror movies in four years.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, man. I loved it, man. Y’all twisted and I like that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, that is great to hear. Now show hands, how many of you experienced a jump scare during the film? That’s where you physically jumped in your seat.

[Cut to many people raising their hands]

Dadi: One or two jump scares in there for me. Spilled a little bit of soda. I think he got heat on your hands.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, let’s hope so. As you know, were were taping the audience during the screening for our television and web ads and you guys gave us some great reactions we’d like to use. Now, we wanted to show you some before you sign the releases.

[Cecily plays the video]

[Cut to the audience reaction video.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Ah! had a little jump there.

[Cut to Diane]

Diane: Oh, my god! It’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. Now, this was taken during the first murder scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi spits soda all over Vanessa who is sitting in front of her, and then spills her soda at Kenan at the back when getting scared.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wow! Dadi, you were pretty scared there.

[Cut to Dadi and Diane]

Dadi: Um, I think that clip might have been Diane.

Diane: No. It was you.

Dadi: Well, I guess it’s kind of hard to tell with night vision.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Now here’s you guys watching the monsters in the trees sequence.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Leslie gets scared. Dadi is puking. Vanessa looks at her but Dadi punches her face and pukes again.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: By the way, that young woman who was punched is shaken, but she’s otherwise fine.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Well, for the record, I barely touched her. I think she’s a little bit of a drama queen.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. You guys, you gave us some real great stuff during that final chase scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi is making a scene at the theatre. She pulls off Pete’s shirt. Pete runs away scared of Dadi.]

Dadi in reaction video: I’m pissing myself. I’m pissing myself.

[Leslie is laughing at her]

Leslie in reaction video: Man, this bitch is pissing on herself.

[Dadi pushes everyone making her way to run outside the theatre]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So, you’re all okay with these? We have some releases for you.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh! I’d love to be on TV. I’m not sure if it’s worth losing my dignity over.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you’ll get $250.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh, yeah. Deal.

[Cut to a commercial board with the poster of the movie and picture of Dadi puking.]

Bus Ride

Driver… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Taran Killam

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a bus stopping at the bus stop]

Driver: Okay. Okay, this is Franklin station transfer here for M26 to Greenville.

[Leslie gets in the bus]

Leslie: Hello.

Driver: Hello ma’am.

[There is no seat available so Taran offers Leslie his seat]

Taran: Um, would you like to sit down miss?

Leslie: Yeah. Thanks.

Taran: You got it.

Leslie: So nice.

[Taran stands and Leslie takes his seat]

[Melissa makes way for Leslie to take the seat]

Melissa: Oh, that’s gotta feel good.

Leslie: Yes, it does. Chivalry isn’t dead, right?

Melissa: Hah! I kind of meant the other thing.

Leslie: What other thing?

Melissa: You know. White man gives up his seat in front of the bus. You gotta say, you’ve come a long way baby.

Leslie: Okay.

Melissa: I mean. You know, they’re showing Roots on television for February. And I have just been glued to this. They’re so good. Prime Ben Vareen. Prime OJ Simpson. I mean you can’t miss the cast really. You know what character I love is that Kunye Kenny.

Leslie: Um, Kunta Kinte.

Melissa: I don’t speak it but I enjoy the work.

Leslie: [to Taran] Hey, you sure you don’t wanna sit back down?

Taran: No, I’m good.

Melissa: You know, I gotta be honest, I don’t love a lot of black movies, but like the one where she poops in the pie and– where was that? I can’t remember what it’s called. She was a maid. She pooped in pie and made a lady eat. What is that? Is that called Poop Pie?

Leslie: No. It’s called ‘The Help’.

Melissa: Oh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s a little racy for me. But Roots. Roots, I do enjoy. You know, I told my husband Ron. I said if this is Roots, which one is Quest Love? [laughing] He did not get that one. God he was that. OJ is– was handsome. It’s a waste, huh?

Leslie: [to driver] Ay, man. I’m just gonna get out here.

Driver: This is a highway ma’am.

Leslie: That’s fine.

Melissa: You know, there’s another one I did love. It’s also got slaves in it. It’s not Roots. I think it’s– is it eight years I got to slave?

Leslie: No.

Melissa: Eight years I gotta slave.

Leslie: No. It’s 12 years of slave. 12 years of slave.

Melissa: Oh, is it 12 years? I didn’t see the whole thing. So.

Leslie: [to driver] Hey, man! You can just open up the door and I can just tuck and roll out. You ain’t even got to stop.

[Melissa holding Leslie’s hand]

Melissa: Look at that. We were like a banneton ad, huh? That’s sweet. I mean, if I had to choose, I would prefer white movies. They’re just so many great ones. The Godfather. The Gremlins. Star Wars. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy Roots just as much as any white movie. [Leslie is starting to look at window nicely] I mean you know what I was telling Ron? I said, “How about somebody make Root with all white cast. It’s a win– you can’t go wrong with that.

Leslie: Ay man, does this window open? I can just slide right out of this window.

Driver: One sec. [phone ringing] Wait, hold on. [on phone] Yeah. Why? A bomb? Now? Okay. I’m on. [hangs up the phone] Well folks, I just got word that if I go below 50 miles an hour, this bus will explode.

Leslie: What? I don’t wanna die with you. Oh!

Melissa: I don’t wanna die before seeing the end of Roots. I mean, do they ever get free?

Driver: Don’t worry ma’am. I got a full tank of gas in this baby so we can ride all night. I just gotta make one quick stop.

Everybody: No!

[The bus explodes]

Weekend Update Laura Parsin Says News

Laura Parsin… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: And now for our news castors of Tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news, tonight’s junior anchor is a twelve year old actress who’s in the up coming Nickelodeon movie ‘Study Break Tummy Egg’, please welcome Laura Parsin.

[Laura slides in]

Laura: Hi Michael. What a thrill it is to be here. News,

[singing] talking about news
live on the scene it’s 2016
[mumbling]

Michael Che: That’s so adorable. So, are you gonna report some stories for us?

Laura: I’d love to. [Cut to Laura] This week, Mexican fugitive Al Capone was captured after a escaping from prison. You may remember that Al Capone is merciless drug lord who is convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics. Including marijuana, heroin and cocaine!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, Laura, do you even know what cocaine is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Not exactly. But I think it’s a powder that makes your brain go, “I’m amazing”.

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I guess that’s right. Look, Laura, don’t you have stories that are more fun or silly? You know?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: The Oregon men are mad because they ask for supplies but instead, people end them dildos!

[Cut to Laura an Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s just get away from news all together. How did you spend your holiday break?

Laura: Well, I watched a lot of TV.

Michael Che: Great! That’s great!

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I loved the show Glee. It’s got wonderful singing and acting and dancing. Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me. Except the guy who plays Puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura: Police found there were a thousand pictures of naked kids!

Michael Che: Okay! Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week?

Laura: It sure did. Comedian Bill Cosby was released on bail.

Michael Che: Oh-oh. No!

Laura: He is so funny.

Michael Che: Laura, the case against Bill Cosby is very serious. I mean, do you even know what he did?

Laura: Um, I think so. [Cut to Laura] He gave some medicine to people even though they didn’t need the medicine.

Michael Che: That’s right. Laura Parsin, everybody!

Laura: [singing]

Michael Che: You’re doing a great job. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of arm protesters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The arm protesters in Oregon after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys. They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Applebee’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an Applebee’s salad. Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.

[Picture changes to

According to reports, former New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third party candidate. And I for one would love to see Bloomberg run against Trump. They’re both New York billionaires, yet they’re so different. It’s like the political version of the movie Twins. Bloomberg, he looks like he’d speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump looks like he yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks. Or maybe they should just team up. Trump is always saying, “I’m gonna get the smartest guys.” Bloomberg is the smartest guy. He could be the whole branch to the operation and live inside Trump like Krang from Ninja Turtles. But mostly I just want to see Bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone he’s taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces. Plus, if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the south is definitely gonna secede again. How do we even top that? We’d have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood. Pressure’s on, [Picture changes to Naveen Andrews in the series Lost] Sayid from Lost.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a ‘GuyFi’ booth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York city for men to masturbate in. Good! Coz I’m getting tired of doing it in Colin’s office.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Che: Ah! I’m kidding man. I would never… get tired of masturbating in your office.

Colin Jost: Come on, man! I sleep in there.

[Picture changes to a cigarette with written “Second-hand smoke”]

Michael Che: A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the US are exposed to second hand smoke. While the other half don’t have step-dads.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Arizona map and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! Big step-dad’s crew here tonight. Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse. I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse. “Hey you, what are you doing?” “Me? Nothing. I was just gonna have sex with a horse. Okay, you got me. I’m ISIS.”

[Picture changes to science experiment equipment]

A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common are Becky and Shaq.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a snake and Oregon map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two foot long python from a pet store from stuffing it down his pants. Yeah, said the man, “I’ll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger. It’s the one that just bit my penis.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a truck and Virginia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted if off him. And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.