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Weekend Update: End of Impeachment Hearings

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of impeachment hearing at left top corner.]

Testimony in the impeachment hearing concluded in the house this week. And now the debate will shift to your house for thanksgiving. [Picture changes to David Nunes] It was reported last night that one of the stars of the hearing, congressman Devin Nunes, who has resting Spongebob face allegedly met in secret last year with a Ukrainian prosecutor to get dirt on the Bidens. So, the guy who’s supposed to be investigating Trump helped him do the crime. Nunes is so deep in this, he’s basically living in a pineapple under the sea. Now, the source of the theory is a little unreliable. So, I probably should not have mentioned it on TV. But, hey, that never stopped Devin Nunes. Do you remember when he said this about democrats?

[Cut to David Nunes speaking]

David Nunes: They got caught trying to obtain nude photos of president Trump from Russian pranksters.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Somehow, I don’t think Russia has a lot of pranksters. It’s not like when the president of Russia poisons a journalist he jumps out and yells, “You just got Putined!” [Picture changes to Gordon Sondland] But the big revelation this week has the EU ambassador Gordon Sondland explicitly tied Trump, Mike Pompeo, and Mike Pence to the Ukraine scandal. It’s especially though for Pence, [picture changes to Mike Pence] whose greatest fear is being tied to something by another man.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Gordon Sondland at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I love how much fun Sondland was having. Look at his face. He’s in court for one of the biggest political scandals of all time, and he looks like he just took a molly suppository. How is he so relaxed in court? Meanwhile, every time a cop asks my name, I get so nervous I can barely say Kenan Thompson.

[Cut to Colin jost. There is a picture of David Holmes and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, state department official David Holmes testified to overhearing a phone call between Trump and Sondland, to which the president responded, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “I have been watching people make phone calls my entire life. My hearing is, and has been, great. Never have I been able to hear or understand a conversation.” [Cut to Colin Jost] Well, I definitely believe you have never understood a conversation. That actually explains—everything. But I’m not sure you have great hearing based on every press conference I have even seen you do.

[Cut to several video clips of Donald Trump speaking in press conference.]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you. [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear you, John. [Cut to another clip] You’re gonna have to speak a little louder. [Cut to another clip] Speak up! [Cut to another clip] I can’t hear your question. [Cut to another clip] I think you’re gonna have to speak up. [Cut to another clip] You have to speak up, I can’t hear you.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [With hand gestures] I said your hearing is great. Trump also tweeted that he’s strongly considering testifying before congress in the impeachment inquiry and, oh, my god, I wish he would. Can you imagine if both Trump and Giuliani testified on live TV? The ratings would be insane. It would be like the super bowl. But with worst brain damage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Michael Bloomberg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke at predominantly black church in Brooklyn, where he apologized for this ‘Stop and Frisk” policy. And as a black man from New York I’ll say, apology noted. Not accepted. Just noted. Because as much as I hate to be racially profiled, I got to admit,  “Stop and Frisk” did give me a good excuse for being late to work a lot. It also helped me find a lot of weed, I thought I lost.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

Ventriloquist

Announcer… Alex Moffat

Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge]

[applause]

Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.

[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.]

[applause]

Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]

Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?

Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.

[Cut to audience laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.

Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.

[Cut to audience laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.

Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?

Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.

Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: I’m sorry?

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.

Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.

Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.

Chippy: Just let me go!

[audience booing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]

Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.

Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.

[music playing]

You say potato and I say potahto.

Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.

Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]

Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.

[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]

[Cheers and applause]

Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.

Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.

Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.

[Cut to the reporters]

Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.

Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.

[Gordon Sondland walks in]

I’m holding everybody up, okay?

Gordon Sondland: No.

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to the reporters]

Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”

[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]

Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?

Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.

Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—

Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.

Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Pizza Ad

Director… Mikey Day

Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Richard… Will Farrell

Daughter… Heidi Gardner

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]

Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.

Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.

Son: It’s legit, like, good.

[Cut to Director]

Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.

Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”

Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: No! Oh, my god!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!

[Cut to Director]

Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!

[Cut to
Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: This is so good.

Son: Best pizza ever!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]

Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?

Mrs. Richard: No!

Director: You don’t?

Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.

Director: Are you doing okay mom?

Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.

Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom, be happy. Please.

[Cut to Director]

Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!

[Cut to the Richard’s family]

Director: How about some pepperoni?

Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!

Son and Daughter: Alright!

Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.

Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.

Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?

Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!

Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Mom, what?

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.

Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.

[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.]

[Cut to Director]

Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]

Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Dad! Awkward!

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]

Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!

Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]

Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?

Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.

[Mrs. Richard walks in]

Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!

Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.

Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.

Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.

[Cut to the Richards]

Mrs. Richard: What did you say?

Daughter: You’re our mom.

Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.

Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!

Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?

All: Yeah!

Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.

[Cheers and applause]

Party Song

Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Mr. B… Will Ferrell

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Aidy at the door talking to her kids]

Aidy: Your dad and I will be back on Sunday. Remember, no parties.

Kids: We promise!

[horn honking]

Aidy: Damn it, Ronald. I’m coming.

[Cut to Jack and Cecily]

Both: It’s on!

[Music video starts]

Cecily: Whip out the phone starts sending texts

our parents are gone you know what happens next

Jack: Having a party should be cool

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Who’s here?

Jack: The entire school

[everybody are getting in the house]

Jack: Everybody came the jocks and the geeks

popular girls the goths and the freaks

Cecily: Class clown crushing beer

Jack: He is losing

Cecily: Nerds playing beer pong

Jack: He is losing

Cecily: The quarterback’s here that’s hella lit

glad you came through

Alex: Party’s legit!

Cecily: Stoner kids rolling up a stick as blunt

Jack: Sitting on the couch is my AP English teacher?

[Cut to AP English teacher on the couch with a drink]

Cecily: Cause we’re having a pa-a-arty

hella fun

pa-a-arty

why’d your teacher come?

pa-a-arty

it’s kind of weird right?

party at my house tonight

party popping up that’s how it goes

Jack: through Mr. B’s looking at my family photos

nursing a beer as he tours my home

Mr. B: Hey Jack, was this taken in Rome?

Jack: Yo, sis, Mr. B came

Cecily: I know he did. Why is he here? He’s got a wife and a kid

Jack: Is he creeping on girls?

Cecily: No he’s being polite.

Jack: Then why the is he here?

Cecily: Just chill, all right?

he ain’t doing no harm don’t pay him attention

Jack: It’s just weird that he’s here watching Shawshank Redemption

Mr. B.: Andy Dufresne.

Jack: Midnight comes and the party’s still packed

cute Sophomore says–

Chloe: There you are Jack,

want to chill in your room? Party’s kind of loud

Jack: Mr. B’s with the vape rats

Mr. B.: Yeah, great cloud

Chloe: Show me your room

Jack: Yo, he’s drinking a bunch

Mr. B.: The cloud smells amazing

is that captain crunch?

Cecily: Mr. B’s having the time of his life

Jack: ‘Til he gets a call, must be his wife

Cecily: He ignores the call, stares off into space

twirls his wedding ring, black look on his face

Jack: He’s going through some stuff

Cecily: Mid life crisis?

Jack: Nah! Deeper than that.

Cecily: It’s none of our business

cause we’re having a pa-a-arty

giving into me

pa-a-arty

looking at himself

pa-a-arty

who have I become?

party at my house tonight

Jack: 3 am. Night’s coming to an end

Cecily: time to say good-bye to all our friends

Alex: Party was epic

Chris: Party’s the best

Chloe: Maybe check on Mr. B though

Jack: He hasn’t left?

[Cut to Mr. B. drinking on alone.]

heading home Mr. B?

Mr. B.: Hey there Zack

God I miss high school wish I could go back

Jack: Ha-ha, that’s cool.

Cecily: Can we call you a lyft?

Mr. B.: It goes by fast, cherish it.

Jack: Well, you should probably roll if you know what I mean

Mr. B.: I’d kill my own mother for a time machine

Cecily: Okay, well–

Mr. B.: Promise me guys you’ll just be alive.

While you’re young and alive.

Jack: Right.

Mr. B.: Sleep with everyone.

You’re only young once. Make it fun. [Mr. B. opens another can]

Cecily: Oh, you’re having one more?

Mr. B.: Yeah. [finishes the drink in one shot] Great party.

Jack: Hold up, Mr. B, are you good to drive?

Mr. B.: Not even close, but I got a ride.

[Mr. B. opens the door. His wife is outside.]

Mrs. B.: It is 3 in the morning, Richard.

Mr. B.: I’m sorry.

Mrs. B.: What is going on with you lately?

Mr. B.: I don’t know, okay?

Cecily: Party at my house tonight.

King Princess Hit the Back (Live)

[Starts with Will Farrell announcing the live music show by King Princess on SNL stage.]

Will Farrell: Once again, King Princess.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to King Princess on stage]

[music playing]

King Princess: I need you to search my clothing
Pat me down and feel the molding
‘Cause underneath this table feels so good to me
And I need you to be my motor
And run me ’til I can’t go further
‘Cause every turn you take is just exciting me

And ain’t I the best you had?
And I’ll let you throw it down
Hit the back
Tell me I need respect
And you know that I’m around
I’m your pet

Ain’t I the best you had?
And I’ll let you throw it down
Hit the back
Tell me you need respect
‘Cause you know that I’m around
I’m your pet

Well I’m a star but you’re an icon
A dirty girl with lots of passion
Staring at my fingers while I talk to you
And I don’t care if you degrade me
‘Cause after all, you are my safety
And everything you touch just feels like yours to me

Ain’t I the best you had?
And I’ll let you throw it down
Hit the back
Tell me you need respect
‘Cause you know that I’m around
I’m your pet
Ain’t I the best you had?

It’s really really nice to meet ya babe
(Take my heart and hit the back)
I think I that I really need ya baby
(Ain’t I the best you’ve ever had?)
I think I that I really need ya baby
(Take my heart and hit the back)

Ain’t I the best you had?
And I’ll let you throw it down
Hit the back
Tell me you need respect
‘Cause you know that I’m around
I’m your pet

Ain’t I the best you had?
(Ain’t I the best you’ve ever had?)
Ain’t I the best you had?
(Take my heart and hit the back)
Ain’t I the best you had?
(Ain’t I the best you’ve ever had?)
(Take my heart and hit the back)

[music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

 

King Princess 1950 (Live)

[Starts with Will Farrell announcing the live music show by King Princess on SNL stage.]

Will Farrell: Ladies and gentlemen, King Princess.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to King Princess on stage with a guitar]

[music playing]

King Princess: I hate it when dudes try to chase me
But I love it when you try to save me
‘Cause I’m just a lady

I love it when we play 1950
It’s so cold that your stare’s ’bout to kill me
I’m surprised when you kiss me

So tell me why my gods look like you
And tell me why it’s wrong

So I’ll wait for you, I’ll pray
I will keep on waiting for your love
For you, I’ll wait
I will keep on waiting for your

Did you mean it when you said I was pretty?
That you didn’t wanna live in a city
Where the people are shitty?

I like it when we play 1950
So bold, make them know that you’re with me
Stone cold, will you miss me?

So tell me why my gods look like you
And tell me why it’s wrong

So I’ll wait for you, I’ll pray
I will keep on waiting for your love
For you, I’ll wait
I will keep on waiting for your

I hope that you’re happy with me in your life
I hope that you won’t slip away in the night
I hope that you’re happy with me in your life
I hope that you won’t slip away
I hate it when dudes try to chase me
I love it when you try to save me
‘Cause I’m just a lady

So tell me why my gods look like you
And tell me why it’s wrong

So I’ll wait for you, I’ll pray
I will keep on waiting for your love (for your love, for your love, for your love)
For you, I’ll wait
I will keep on waiting for your

[guitar solo]

[music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Heinz

Greg… Will Farrell

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people having thanksgiving dinner.]

Announcer: It’s thanksgiving. And it wouldn’t be the holidays without Heinz.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Honey, could you pass the ketchup?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m just happy that we’re all together for thanksgiving.

[Cut to Greg squeezing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a fart.]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck: Whoa, easy there, Greg.

[everybody laughing]

[Cut to Greg looking embarrassed.]

Greg: That wasn’t me. It was the ketchup bottle.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you sure about that, dad?

[everybody laughing]

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: [seriously] Yeah, I’m very sure. [everybody stop laughing] I didn’t cut a fart at thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn’t do that. It’s not who I am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, dad, we know.

Announcer: It happens every year. The ketchup bottle makes an innocent noise and everyone thinks you ripped one at the dinner table. [Cut to Greg sitting on a sofa thinking about it.] They say they believe you, [cut to Chris and Melissa laughing] but you know what they’re thinking. It’s made every thanksgiving a living hell. [Cut to a video clip of Heinz Relax ketchup bottle.] Until now. Introducing Heinz relax. The ketchup you know and love without the uncomfortable noise. Now when you squeeze the bottle, it’s simply lets out a relaxing sigh.

[Cut to people having thanksgiving dinner.] So, this thanksgiving, things Greg be different.

Greg: Honey, can you pass the ketchup?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Sure.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Can I say I am so grateful to be here—

[Cut to Greg pressing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a girl moaning.]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: What was that?

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: That was a soothing sound of Heinz relax. Looks like this bottle’s almost empty.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: That sounds like—

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: A relaxed sigh. I know.

[Cut to Chris]

Chirs: That ain’t what that sounds like.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Hey, everyone just… [showing the Heinz Relax bottle] relax.

Announcer: Spare yourself from further embarrassment with our whole family of Heinz relax products. Glass bottles. [sounds like men groaning when tapped at the back] Mustard. Even Mayo. [sounds like male moaning] Ohh!

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle: Mom, can I be excused?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Absolutely. [Kyle takes Heine relax bottle with him.] Wait, where are you going with that?

Kyle: My room?

Aidy: No. Put that down.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: The boy loves ketchup, just like his own man.

Announcer: Heinz relax. Now available at your local supermarket. Must be 18 or older to buy.

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody]

[John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]

Cut for Time: Jeans Commercial

[Starts with Will sitting at a bar booth]

[Cut to Kate and Ego sitting across the booth]

Will: [Flirting] Hey, send them a round on me.

[Cut to Will]

I’m a guy. Yeah, I like to flirt a little bit, show my sassy side. That’s why when I hit the town, I give my regular jeans a night off.

[Cut to Kate and Ego]

[Cut to Will raising his glass to the ladies]

And put on my Wrangler Peekaboos!

[Will stands and walks away. There’s a hole on his jean’s back side. His butt is showing.]

[Will starts dancing]

Announcer: Introducing Wrangler Peekaboos for me. The all purpose male denim jeans will a fun flirty peekaboo window. To show a little extra crack.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: It’s 2019. And I wanna feel sexy too. Is that so wrong?

[Bowen is wearing a Wrangler Peekaboos too]

Announcer: Finally a male pants with tasteful rear cleavage. Get them in styles like heart-shapred, key hole and football.

[Cut to Alex playing snooker]

Alex: I feel like me, and I like it. 8 ball, corner pocket.

Announcer: Now available in whale-tail.

Alex: I win.

Announcer: Don’t wear ’em with undies, don’t wear ’em backwards. And don’t be afraid to show your wild side. You’ve got it, now flaunt it. Crack is back.

[Ego is flirting with Alex]

Alex: Oh! Bull’s eye!

[Cut to an office]

Announcer: And coming soon to the work place, Peekaboo Pros, with business in the front, and party in the back. Wrangler Peekaboos, stop hiding and start saying, “Peekaboo.”