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Cut for Time: College Admissions | Season 44 Episode 16

Debra… Sandra Oh

Conchoclin… Aidy Bryant

Carl… Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of a College]

Cecily Strong: All right guys. As you know, we’re down to the wire. We’ve got to make final decisions [Cut to college admissions meeting] about who gets off the weight list to join the class of 2023.

Carl: Man, [Cut to Carl and Heidi] there are so many qualified candidates but only so few spots.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I know, it’s like my bumble account. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan Thompson: What?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: We’re looking to admit about five more students and in some of the embarrassing news stories out there, let’s be extra careful with our choices.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: We have to make sure it’s all about merit.

Carl: I agree.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, so out first applicant on wait-list is Luisa Rodriguez. [The screen behind Cecily shows Luisa’s picture]  Now her test scores are slightly lower than we like, but her essay are grades are outstanding.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, then I like Luisa a lot.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, me too.

Cecily Strong: Okay, we also have [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Johnny Ferrigno. [The screen behind Cecily shows Johnny’s picture] He is Lou Ferrigno’s grandson.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, let’s do that.

Heidi Gardner: I agree. He Hollywood. He fun.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And I love the idea that Lou Ferrigno might just like, show up on campus one day.  So cool.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Now, his grades were a little low.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Yeah, but when you’re famous like Johnny Ferrigno, people come up to you during test and ask for autographs and selfies. It’s very distracting.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Great. Okay! one down, four to go. Next step is [The screen behind Cecily shows Jackie’s picture] Jackie Keebler, heir to the Keebler Elf’f fortune.

[Cut to everybody]

Carl: She looks qualified to me.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I agree. Very studious and studi-anxious.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And I could see her dating Jerry Ferrigno.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Oh, that would be amazing. The could have their wedding here.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, now, Jackie did have a 2.5 GPA and her only extra curricular was snails.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, but I can tell from the hand holding money that she has a solid business acumen. [Cut to Debra and Kenan] And no one else in the incoming class is focused on snails.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Very true. Snails are weak spot for us.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, great! Two spots filled.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: I do still love Luisa though.

Debra: Luisa is amazing.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Should we keep her in the mix?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: No.

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  So, next step, we have Luke Geofferys whose math SAT score was very low, but then he submitted [The screen behind Cecily shows Luke’s face photoshopped in Stephin Hawkin’s picture] this photo of himself solving a high level physics equation.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And are we sure that’s really him?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, unfortunately we have no way of determining whether it’s really him or not.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And his last name is Geofferys? Any relation to the Giraffe?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: The fictional giraffe from Toys R Us?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Oh, that could be a big donation.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Toys R Us is currently bankrupt, so I would say a donation from their cartoon giraffe is highly unlikely.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well you could also replace our current mascot, the gay redskin.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, it’s gonna be so sad to lose Chief. Oh no, he didn’t.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, sounds like Luke is a yes.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Big time! Big time.

Heidi Gardner: Okay, and I know I’m not supposed to say this about the applicants, but would bang.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay. And next step is Kevin Willet.

[Cut to everybody]

Debra: Huh? That appears to be a mug shot.

Cecily Strong: Yes, it is. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Kevin is currently in juvenile detention for stabbing two of his friends. But he is the fourth generation legacy.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I like that.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, and he’s probably got all the stabbing out of his system.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Well, he sounds like a more exciting version of Luisa.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Yeah, yeah. Luisa hasn’t stabbed anyone yet and I’m starting to that about her.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And listen to her essay. “I would be the first person in my family to go to college.” It’s not a race!

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  It sounds like we’re admitting Kevin. So, we’re down two spots.

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin walks in.]

Conchoclin: Well, I got them for you.

Cecily Strong: Excuse me?

[Cut to Conchoclin, walks to the screen.]

Conchoclin: Yeah. I am coach Conchochlin. I run the women’s crew team. [Cut to everybody] And I have got a couple of primal recruits that you would want to admit asap.

Cecily Strong: Uh-huh. And do we have their applications?

Conchoclin: Oh, you sure do. Throw Madisson Wigles Worth on there.

[Cut to Cecily and Conchoclin. Screen behind them shows Madisson’s picture.]

Cecily Strong: This is our rower?

Conchoclin: Oh, yeah. She’s got a perfect built. 5’1″, 98 pounds, tiny hollow bird bones. I mean she’s liable to rip in or lock.

Cecily Strong: Now, looks like she’s riding a horse.

Conchoclin: Yeah, exactly. So that’s a land boat, is what we call that. And you know, I’ve also been scouting another top-notch gal lady bird Dwayne Reed. [Screen behind them shows Dwame’s picture] Now she’s been rowing up and down the rivers of Beverly Hills.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And are we confident that’s not a boy in a wig?

[Cut to Cecily and conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Well, I’ve never seen a boy in a wig look that hot.

Cecily Strong: Okay, coach Conchoclin, is it?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Conchoclin, yes. My mother is German and my dad is Count Chocula.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Wonderful. Okay, I’m sorry but I have to ask, were you in anyway paid by these girls’ families to lie about them to be elite athletes?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Oh, absolutely not. And I resent that accusation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive home in the actual bat-mobile which I purchased on a normal female crew coach salary, Conchoclin out!

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin leaves the room.]

Cecily Strong: Okay, and our last applicant, Alice Fong.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Okay, guys, can I just as something? I’m sure Alice is great! But do you ever feel like we’re admitting too many Asian students? [Kenan tries to ignore the question]

[Cut to Carl and Heidi. They are also trying to ignore the question]

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Is this a trap? Is this a trap?

Debra: No, no, no! I’m serious. Alice has great grades and all, but do you guys think her personality is interesting enough?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Why are you doing this to us Debra?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And what’s with her face? Right? You can’t tell what she’s thinking. It’s like all these Asians are, um, what’s the word?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Sneaky?

Debra: Ah-hah! [Cut to Debra and Kenan. Debra stands and shows her police badge.] Admissions police. You’re all under arrest.

Kenan Thompson: Damn it! Damn it, Carl. She was undercover.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Wow, you mean this whole time she wasn’t Asian?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Wait! What?

Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss]

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss]

[Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]

The Duel | Season 44 Episode 16

Kenan Thompson

Sandra Oh

Mr. Abbeton… Beck Bennett

Mr. Eberle… Pete Davidson

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Sandra Oh and Melissa Villaseñor rushing to towards the courtyard]

Sandra Oh: Quickly.

[Cut to the courtyard. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are getting ready for the duel.]

Kenan Thompson: Mr. Abbeton. Mr. Eberle. Choose your weapons.

Sandra Oh: Stop. Kind sirs. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] My affections are not worth this quarrel. Whatever injury you any might incur cannot compete with the wound you inflict upon my heart.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Listen to her gentleman. No woman is worth losing life and limb over.

Mr. Abbeton: This man has laid claim to what is rightfully mine. [Cut to Mr. Abbeton] And I will have satisfaction.

[Cut to Mr. Eberle and Kenan Thompson]

Mr. Eberle: And I will not rest until his blood is spilled upon this very crown.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I cannot bear to see either of you suffer even this slightest of wounds.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: Then I suggest you look away.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do as he says, my lady.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are facing opposite directions.]

Kenan Thompson: You agreed upon the terms. Ten paces and then turn and fire. Mr. Abbeton.

Mr. Abbeton: Ready.

Mr. Eberle: Mr. Eberle. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Eberle: Oh, my god, sorry.

Melissa Villaseñor: I think [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] you got a little bit shot.

Sandra Oh: Oh! The only pain feel is seeing the two men I adore at odds.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Well, you’re definitely bleeding.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: It’s nothing compared to their suffering.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I think we should go over the rules again.

Mr. Abbeton: Yes, because he went early, right?

Kenan Thompson: Yes. So, just to be clear, you will walk ten paces and then turn and shoot.

Mr. Abbeton: Understood?

Mr. Eberle: And what do I do?

Kenan Thompson: Well, the same thing.

Mr. Eberle: As before? Okay. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s another arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Gross!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh:  ‘Tis but a pin prick. The only pain is loving a woman that another man loves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, my lady. I’m not very good at this game.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Do not give me a second thought. I beseech you, sirs. Think only of yourselves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, perhaps we should abandon the guns and take all our clothes off and fight.

Mr. Abbeton: Our clothes. Why are you involved?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I’m mad too. This is taking up my whole damn day.

Mr. Abbeton: Let’s try one more time.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I’m just going to move you here right in front of me. [Sandra Oh pulls Melissa Villaseñor in front of her]

Melissa Villaseñor: What?

Sandra Oh: So, you may better see.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I’m going to walk you through this. Do exactly as I say. Take one step—One step?

Mr. Abbeton: I thought we were going to take ten.

Mr. Eberle: Are we at ten already? [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

Kenan Thompson: No.

Mr. Abbeton: I haven’t gotten to go bang once! [Mr. Abbeton turns around and shoots] Bang!

[Cut to everybody. The two bullets are bouncing everywhere.]

Sandra Oh: What’s happening?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Currently there are two bullets in the air bouncing around the courtyard.

Sandra Oh: I’m sure I can just peek out to see what’s happening. [One bullets hit Sandra Oh] Oh, my lord. I hate this day.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The two of you should be ashamed! [Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle] Hand me the pistol.

Sandra Oh: Do be careful.

Kenan Thompson: What? Oh! [Kenan mistakenly shoots the pistol. The bullet hits Sandra’s finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Abbeton: Oh, my god. Give that back. [Mr. Abbeton tries to take the pistol back but then mistakenly shoots. The bullet hits Sandra’s another finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Eberle: [Shoots one more time] Bang! [The bullet hits Sandra’s leg]

Mr. Abbeton: Why did you do that?

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, I was trying something.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: This ends now!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh. Sandra walks to Kenan, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Her leg gets cut but she’s still walking.]

Melissa Villaseñor: My lady, your leg.

Sandra Oh: Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton. I have something to say and I will be heard! You have suffered enough.

[Cut to Sandra Oh, Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: She’s right. Do you forgive me?

Mr. Eberle: I do.

Sandra Oh: Now, give me those weapons and let the healing begin—[She shoots herself]

Kenan Thompson: Yep, that’s a head trigger right there.

Kremlin Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Interpreter… Sandra Oh

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Tiana… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a meeting in Kremlin]

Vladimir Putin: So we are all agreed then, we must send more troops to Crimea. Good. Okay. What is next on the agenda?

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: President Putin, before we move on, have you heard news out of America?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes. North Carolina not in final four of march madness! It’s crazy!

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Mikey Day: No, Mr. President, the other story, the Mueller report. American news says it is finished.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ah, da. I have heard of this. Okay, enough of this. We have much to cover.

[Cut to everybody]

Tiana: Just one more moment, sir. [Cut to Tiana] Because in Mueller report, they say President Trump has done no collusion with Russia.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Oh?

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: This cannot be, can it sir? American President has worked for Russia, right?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Guys?

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: Please, Mr. President, we must know, did Trump work for Russia or not?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: No.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Come on!

Mikey Day: How could this be [Cut to Mikey Day] for two years now? Every American newspaper and TV comedians has said Trump worked for Russia, this is like our best move ever!

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: We looked forward to report so much. It was going to be Mueller time, baby. All of the world would see the power of Russia. We were so excited.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: I was planning a party.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I know, I know. It would have been wonderful. But is what is. Now, please, let use move on.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: But Mr. President, with all due respect, why do you say Trump works for me?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: No, I never say this. Other people say it and I said, “Nyet”.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Mikey Day: Yeah, but you said it like ‘Nyeah’.

Alex Moffat: I knew it was too good to be true. American president is blackmailed by Russia into become KGB asset? It sounds like bad ‘80s movie’.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Sounds like cool ‘80s movie to me but whatever.

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: Oh god. All my friends ask me, “Tiana, you work in  Kremlin, is Trump really blackmailed by Putin.” Oh, I’m so cocky, I’m saying, “That is classified Intel”, like I’m big shot. Now I look like a hole in an ass. The worst part of an ass!

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: Wait, but if we had no blackmail why president Trump say such nice things about you?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I don’t know. I think he just likes me.

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: But why? You hate America. All you ever do is try to destroy their country!

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I know. I can’t figure this guy out. He’s in my head!

[Cut to everybody. Heidi comes in the room.]

Heidi Gardner: President Putin, chairman Kim is here to see you.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. [Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter enter the room] Chairman Kim, welcome.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Our glorious leader wishes to give you this valuable gift. Michael Jordan rookie card signed by Dennis Rodman.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, thank you.

Interpreter: But glorious leader is upset to learn that President Trump is not working for you.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Do not worry, Russia still have much influence over America. We have internet trolls, many other things.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Our glorious leader says very impressive, but in a sarcastic way.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Also, we don’t know everything in the report yet. [Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin] Plus, Mueller handed off a lot of stuff to the southern district of New York. That’s where the real action is.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Glorious leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now. He’s now questioning  everything. Like did you really poison those people in England?

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, of course I poisoned them.

Interpreter: Glorious leader wonders if you also poisoned that guy who turned blue?

Vladimir Putin: Yes, I poisoned him too. Give me some credit. I turn a lot of people blue! I do what most people think. I’m still a powerful scary guy, even if Trump doesn’t work for me.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: With all due respect, I don’t know if I can take you seriously anymore.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin, Alex and Mikey]

Vladimir Putin: No? Well, how about I poison your family, put you in dog cage, ship you to Siberia and beat you to death with a metal pipe. Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: glorious leader says that sounds more like the Putin he knows and loves!

[Cut to everybody]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. I’m back baby!

[Ends with everyone cheering]

Network Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

Lee Daniels… Kenan McKinnon

Manager… Sandra Oh

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with meeting hall of Empire Fox]

Kate McKinnon: Look, the bottom line is, we don’t want to work with your client anymore.

Manager: Just give Jussie another chance.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: Why? He doesn’t care about this job anymore.

Kate McKinnon: He’s two hours late for this meeting.

Mikey Day: I mean, not to mention, what he’s already put us through.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: Jussie Smollett was a victim.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, please!

[Cut to manager and Lee]

Manager: Mr. Daniels. I have represented Jussie his entire career. I am sure there is a very reasonable explanation for he is so late right now.

Lee Daniels: Well I just hope it’s not some crazy excuse.

[Cut to Jussie enters the room]

Jussie Smollett: I’m so sorry I’m late.

Manager: Oh my god. Are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me.

Ego Nwodim: Not again!

Kate McKinnon: Really?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I know what you’re thinking but it’s not that.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Okay, so what is it?

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: I got attacked again.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Kate McKinnon: That’s exactly what we were thinking, Jussie.

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: Oh, okay good, so you believe me.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: No!

Mikey Day: What is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I just told you I was attacked.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: He meant mentally, Jussie.

Manager: Mr. Daniels, [Cut to Lee, Jussie and his manager] can I have a word with my Client for a second.

Lee Daniels: Yeah, I think you should.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Manager: Jussie–

Jussie Smollett: Don’t worry. I got some hits in too, I’m still the gay Tupac.

Manager: Nobody knows what that means. You can see why this story is hard to believe, right?

Jussie Smollett: Great, my old man doesn’t believe me. [Jussie looks at the bag in his hand] Wait, what the –

Manager: Jussie, what is that?

Jussie Smollett: I think it’s a bag of clues?

Manager: No, Jussie, don’t.

Jussie Smollett: Hang on. Look guys, the killer left me a bunch of clues.

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What killer?

Mikey Day: You’re still alive, Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: It’s only because I fought back because I’m the gay Mike Tyson.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: You see what I mean, we can’t keep this guy around.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Wait, let’s just see what’s in here first. Crest white strips. Wow, what do you think that means?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re black.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Yo, you think it’s racial? Damn!

Manager: Jussie, please, stop.

Jussie Smollett: Shh, there’s more. [Taking letters ‘K’ out from the bag] A ‘K’. Another ‘K’. Three ‘K’s. Like what do you think that means?

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Mikey Day: It’s probably the Ku Klux Klan. Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Really? I thought that was a myth.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie!

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Hang on, there’s more stuff. Oh, a receipt, I need that. Car keys, definitely need those. Oh, a teletubby. And it’s the gay one!

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, this is absolutely ridiculous.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: But, I’m telling the truth, I was attacked.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay, I guess we should just call the police then.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: No, no, no, no, they said I can never call again. That’s part of the deal.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, you know we’ve got to fire you, right?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: What? You can’t fire me. I made this show, man! I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Right, I guess it’s just [Cut to manager and Jussie] you and me then.

Manager: No, I’m firing you.

Jussie Smollett: Okay, fine. I guess I will just be on my way then. [Jussie Smollett leaves the room]

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, that was pretty rough.

Kate McKinnon: Yikes. [Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego] Well, you did the right thing, Lee.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. You definitely did.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: No, I just hope he gets the help he needs.

[Jussie Smollet enters the room again with a neck bandage on]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, come on man!

Jussie Smollett: You’re not going to believe what happened to me this time!

Lee Daniels: Jussie, go home! Just go home!

Bok Bok | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with a man walking to a Bok Bok fast food, a Bok Bok commercial]

Narrator: If you’re hungry for chicken, there’s never been a better time to come to Bok-Bok. Get your choice of a six-piece chicken supreme snack. Or a two-piece chicken dinner for $8.99 each. All served with a fresh biscuit and a flavorful fixen. Also, we’d like to take a second to clear up a few things you may have heard about our mascot, Bok-Bok. [Bok Bok looks scary and looks a lot like Momo of Momo hoax] Who does bear a slight resemblance to the internet urban legend and momo. But we promise Bok-Bok is not momo in a chicken suit. And she’s definitely not tempting kids with chicken so she can steal their souls. Bok-Bok is all about bringing you juicy chicken served hot. And sure, like momo, Bok-Bok is a human-bird hybrid who loves the company of children. But who cares when the food is this good. Please stop feeding my son. So stop being paranoid and bring the whole family down.

[Cut to drive-through]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, what can I get you today?

Heidi Gardner: [Talking to kids at the backseat] What do you guys want?

[Heidi adjusts her mirror to look at her kids. She sees Bok Bok.]

Bok Bok: Chicken.

[Everyone is scared and runs away]

Narrator: Yeah, that’s probably momo.

Video Bumper: Take your children to Bok-Boks.

Bok Bok: See you soon.

The Impossible Hulk | Season 44 Episode 15

Dr. Bruce Banner… Idris Elba

Melissa Villaseñor

Security… Kenan Thompson

Impossible Hulk… Cecily Strong

Policeman… Mikey Day

[Starts with Dr. Bruce Banner in a shop. He finds a shirt at 50% off.]

Melissa Villaseñor: And your total was $208.45.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Sorry, did you say 208?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: And 45 cents, yes.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: The sign said it was half off.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Not this shirt. Just the stuff in that section.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, it was in that section.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, then that was a mistake. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Somebody must have moved it.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Well, [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I guess I’ll just get my money back.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m sorry sir, we only offer [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] store credit. It’s store policy.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, come on. That’s [Bleep].

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and lower your voice.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Lower my voice. You’re trying to rip me off and I’m getting upset.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay, security.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: And you won’t like me when I’m upset.

[Cut to Security walks in]

Security: What’s the problem here? [Dr. Bruce Banner starts shivering] What the hell?

Impossible Hulk: Let go of me.

Security: Ain’t nobody even toughing you.

Impossible Hulk: I want my money back right now.

Narrator: While working at his lab located above a Torrey Birch, Dr. Bruce Banner was hit with gamma radiation in a failed experiment causing him to transform into an embolded white lady whenever he is provoked. He is the Impossible Hulk.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: I told you sir, the store policy is–

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, you’re being aggressive. I’m calling the police.

[Cut to Security]

Security: For what?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

911: 911, what’s your emergency.

Impossible Hulk: Yes, hello, yes. I’d like to report an active aggression.

[Cut to Security and Impossible Hulk]

Security: We are literally just standing here.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Now they are crowding me, I can’t breathe.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, just take your money back. It’s fine.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, do not rest me; do not try to silence me.

[Cut to Security]

Security: Oh, man. This dude is impossible.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk, she struggles and turns back to Dr. Bruce Banner.]

Dr. Bruce Banner: What just happened?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner walking in a hallway and then knocks on a door]

Ego Nwodim: What?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Can you please turn the music down? I’m trying to sleep.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: You are forever complaining. Why don’t you just move?

Dr. Bruce Banner: Look, I don’t want to argue. [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I’m asking you to turn the music down or else.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim. Chris Redd joins Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Or else what couz?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Or else I’m going to get upset.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Get upset then. What’s up?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner shivering. He turns into the Impossible Hulk.]

Impossible Hulk: Let go of my arm.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Ain’t nobody touching your arm.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: What’s your name? And everybody’s name in there.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, dude. Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I need your manager now.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: This is an apartment.

Ego Nwodim: Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: You will not get away with this.

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

Impossible Hulk: Yes, I’m being aggressed right now.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim]

Chris Redd: Aggressed? What is that?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I’m shaking and I’m in a lot of fear.

Ego Nwodim: Mr. Banner, [Cut to Ego Nwodim] we’ll turn the music down for real. It’s not a problem.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Keep laughing. Keep laughing. You’re going to be in a lot—[She struggles and then turns back into Dr. Bruce Banner]

Chris Redd: Hey, you okay, bro?

Dr. Bruce Banner: I’m fine, I think I need a froyo.

Chris Redd: A froyo?

Narrator: Next time on the Impossible Hulk—

[Dr. Bruce Banner gets pulled over by a police]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Damn it!

Policeman: Yo, yo, yo, my man. Do you know why I’m stopping you?

Impossible Hulk: Because you’re an aggressive [Bleep] I’m filming you.

Policeman: FP drive safe.

PowerPoint | Season 44 Episode 15

Beck Bennett

Idris Elba

Bryan… Alex Moffat

Diane… Leslie Jones

Kevin… Chris Redd

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a presentation between staff members]

Beck Bennett: Okay, team, sales core industries.

Idris Elba: And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help your brush up on your Powerpoint skills.

Beck Bennett: Yes, we asked you to pair up and create a mock Powerpoint presentation. We have [Cut to Bryan and Diane] Bryan and Diane from sales. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal] Kevin and Crystal from market research. And, of course, [Cut to Henriette and Nan] Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionist.

Henriette: We don’t even use computers, just use the phone. So, we’ll see.

Nan: Hopefully our natural charm carried us through.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: I’m sure you did great. Let’s see everyone’s first slide. [Cut to Bryan and Diane’s presentation] Oh, wow! Great use of bullet points.

[Cut to Bryan and Diane]

Bryan: Well, what can I say, we make a great team.

Diane: Did we tell you we’re dating?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: A couple of times. Yes. How about you two. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal’s presentation] Okay, a nice border here.

[Cut to Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: Market research bringing our A-game.

Crystal: Whoop-whoop.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Whoop-whoop, it’s right. And, Henrietta and Nan.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan’s presentation. There’s nothing but random boxes.]

Beck Bennett: Okay. You know what, little trouble there. No worries.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan crying]

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Hey, ladies, don’t cry. You did a great job. You’re definitely communicating something.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We’re so sorry.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: What do you think happened?

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: I didn’t even know where to start.

Henriette: This is not my world.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay, ladies, it’s just a practice.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We just kept clicking on what I believe are called Digifiles. And strange things started happening.

Nan: We made trash sir.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just focus on your presentation and see where we can help.

Idris Elba: Is that okay with everybody else?

[Cut to everyone agreeing]

Bryan: Absolutely. Sure.

Diane: Yeah, I got to see this.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Awesome. Well, we asked you to make some slides about things you’re passionate about. So, Henreitta and Nan, let’s check these out. [Cut to slide that says ‘Corn bread’] Corn bread. All right. And you crossed it out.

[Cut to slide that says king a lot of times, carole and there’s a picture of Wayne Brady]

Idris Elba: Okay, it looks like Carole King and I see a small Wayne Brady in the corner.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: But that was already there.

Henriette: Yeah, we actually tried to get rid of him.

Nan: I’m frustrated.

Henriette: Yeah, and now honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I can’t learn.

Nan: We’re going to be fired and slapped.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Okay. That is not going to happen. This is an optional workshop. Next, we asked you to try using a graph of your choice. [Cut to slide that has a picture of a clock] And it looks like you put a clock on a shelf.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: Oh, we fixed it in the next one.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Oh, yes. [The next slide has two clocks] Now there’s two clocks.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Yes, that’s right. There’s one for each of us.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, moving on. A boy with a speaker in his eye.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We thought we could make a music video. We were so arrogant.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay. You aimed high, let’s see where you landed. The word undo and a picture of knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We were trying to undo.

Nan: We kept hitting undo.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: And you added more knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: I’m a total simple turd.

Nan: I’m an idiot bitch.

Henriette: My husband has to tie my shoes in the morning.

Nan: I only went to preschool.

Henriette: I tripped in church and I showed my ass.

Nan: Once I couldn’t figure out how to turn off my radio, so I poured water on it, and I blew up my house.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Ladies you don’t need to do this.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: No, I’m not done. I am not diligent about brushing my teeth. I don’t do it every day or whatever.

Nan: And I wipe as best I can, but there’s always more.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Oh, my god. Stop. Just stop.

Idris Elba: That is enough.

[Cut to Bryan, Diane, Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: I mean we can’t unhear that.

Diane: Whatever? There’s always more?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re done.

Idris Elba: Yeah, yeah. On behalf of Microsoft, we can say that you could stay on the phones and so you never have to use Powerpoint again.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Oh, thank god.

Nan: Not in a million years.

[Cut to everybody]

Diane: And bitch, brush your teeth.

Weekend Update: Baskin Johns Shares More Goop Products | Season 44 Episode 15

Baskin Johns… Heidi Gardner

Fifer James… Gwyneth Kate Paltrow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che at his set]

Michael Che: The health and lifestyle brand Goop hosted a wellness summit in New York this weekend. Here to talk about it is Goop representative Baskin Johns. Hey, welcome back Baskin.

[Baskin Johns joins Michael Che]

Baskin Johns: I’m blessed to be back, Michael.

Michael Che: Well, last time you were here, you had a little trouble.

Baskin Johns: Yes, [Cut to Baskin Johns] I forgot a lot of what the stuff we sell is and does. But this time I’ve done my homework.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Great, and I’m sure Gwyneth is watching as well.

Baskin Johns: Cool. So, [Cut to Baskin Johns] first up, is our Goop body wash, infused with ginger and – Oshawaganda.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Right, and for our viewers who don’t know what Oshawaganda is?

Baskin Johns: Thank you for you curiosity, Michael. [Cut to Baskin Johns] Oshawaganda is the number one thing rated number one. You know what, I would love to tell you what ginger is instead.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: No, just tell us about Oshawaganda.

Baskin Johns: Fine, Oshawaganda comes from Wakanda.

Michael Che: It comes from Wakanda like the made up country in ‘Black Panther’?

Baskin Johns: Yeah. Actually, [Cut to Baskin Johns] Gwyneth visited Wakanda and found lots of Oshawaganda growing on the set. And actually, I would love to tell you what ‘Black Panther’ is instead.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Are you having trouble against Baskin?

Baskin Johns: I already got one probation and I can’t get a another because second strike is Missouri.

Michael Che: Missouri?

Baskin Johns: Yes. [Cut to Baskin Johns] I have to go live in Missouri for a year, work at bath and body works and let my roots grow out. I can’t do it. Listen, my supervisor is here. Can I bring her out?

[Cut to Michael Che and Baskin Johns]

Michael Che: Sure.

Baskin Johns: Okay, Fifer. Fifer, can you come help me? [Fifer James joins] Fifer, I need your help because I’m really afraid that Gwyneth is going to fire me.

Fifer James: She doesn’t believe in firing, remember, it’s called conscious unemploying.

Baskin Johns: Right. Yes, that is what Queen Gwe says.

Fifer James: So, I’m just going to take it from here, Baskin. [Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James]

Okay, [Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James] we have a new Himalayan Salt scrub. It is the number one salt scrub. Rated number one in all over salt. I mean, actually, I’d like to tell what you salt is instead.

[Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James]

Michael Che: I know what salt is.

Fifer James: Just so you know, it’s angry sugar.

Baskin Johns: You know what? [Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James] Fifer, we can get through this together. The Himalayan salt scrub  is— What is it?

Fifer James: Well, it’s number one.

Baskin Johns: Number one.

Fifer James: Yeah, the number one.

Baskin Johns: Number one GOOP.

Fifer James: Yeah, as well as musical guest GOOP.

Baskin Johns: Yeah, [Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James] featuring Goop.

Michael Che: So, what does GOOP stand for?

[Cut to Baskin Johns and Fifer James]

Baskin Johns and Fifer James: Gwyneth Opens Our Paychecks.

[Cut to Michael Che, Baskin Johns and Fifer James] Michael Che: Baskin Johns and Fifer James.

Baskin Johns and Fifer James: Oshwakanda forever

Weekend Update: Paul Manafort Sentenced to Prison | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort and Donald Trump at left top corner of the screen.] Well, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager was just sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to 24 years in prison but only got four years, probably in minimum security white collar prison with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million. And he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort had lived “An otherwise blameless life” which is also the name of my favorite third eye blind album. Also, how can you possibly claim Manafort lived a blameless life. He’s being sentenced for another crime next week. And it’s a crime he committed while on house arrest for a third crime.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud which as black guy feels very unfair. But for a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. I mean if I could steal millions of dollars in the United States Presidency in exchange for three years of my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are, I’m going to end up in jail in my 70s anyway by saying something that’s fine now but is punishable by death in 40 years. Like, calling my kids the N word. Or, calling my wife the N word. Or, calling some white lady the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Li Yang at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Your kids? It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spa where patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh? Second, you know that Trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump signing Bibles at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. Now, I don’t know man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Hillary Clinton at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And Hillary Clinton announced this week that she is officially not running for president. Am I the only one who’s a little disappointed? First of all, I think she would be a great president. Second of all, I want to see a rematch. Come on, Hillary is like Rocky in ‘Rocky IV’. No one thinks she can come out of retirement to beat this Russian hero [Picture changes to a boxer with Donald Trump’s face] who barely speaks English. I mean, Hillary [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in jungle] literally went into the woods to do her training montage. She is ready to win this thing for America, because now she’s got nothing to lose, except the presidency for a third time.