Author: Ajay Kumar

First Lady

Melissa Villaseñor

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Jackie Kennedy… Natalia Portman

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Martha Washington… Aidy Bryant

Michelle Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Melissa calling Melania Trump in the White House during the night of the State of the Union]

Melissa: Excuse me, Mrs. Trump. The president’s motorcade is ready to take you to the State of the Union. Are you coming?

Melania Trump: Ah! Tell them I’ll take the next car. [Melissa leaves] Oh! How will I ever get through this State of Union? Oh, come on, Melania. Practice your happy face. [Melania Trump smiles] Oh! I don’t belong as first lady. [There is still Michelle Obama’s picture on the wall] I wish I could talk to someone who has been through this whole mess before.

[smoke appears. Jackie Kennedy walks out of the smoke]

Jackie Kennedy: Hello, Melania. It’s me, Jackie Kennedy.

Melania Trump: Oh! Jackie O’s?

Jackie Kennedy: I’ve come to you in your hour of need because I know how very tiring being a first lady can be.

Melania Trump: Yes. Thank you, Jackie O’s. But tell me, how can I be good first lady when Donald make it so hard?

Jackie Kennedy: All first ladies have a platform. Your’s is bullying. Mine was little hats. Your approval ratings is through the rough.

Melania Trump: Yes. Yes. People like me because they’re like, “That lady look how I feel.”

Jackie Kennedy: You’re not the only first lady whose husband had affairs. Jack cheated on me with Marilyn Monroe.

Melania Trump: Oh, please! She was in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Donald’s girl was in “Guys Like It Shaved.” Oh, Jackie O’s, no first lady has ever been more humiliated than me.

[The bookshelf behind Melania Trump turns around. Smoke appears. Hillary Clinton comes out of the smoke.]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.

Melania Trump: Hillary Clinton? Oh! The world knew all your secrets. How did you survive being first lady?

Hillary Clinton: Well, you just tell yourself it’ll all be worth it when you’re president. Ha-ha-ha.

Melania Trump: But you lost.

Hillary Clinton: I know. I was there. But you know, I see you’re wearing white to the State of the Union. Is that a subtle nod to the suffer jets or times up?

Melania Trump: No. It’s just co-inky-dink. [Melania Trump winks at the camera]

Hillary Clinton: Look, Melania, I feel your pain. But you married him. Like America, you had a choice. So, don’t choose to eat 7-Eleven sushi and then come to me saying, “Oh-oh! Something’s wrong.”

[smoke appears outside of the window where Martha Washington is standing]

Martha Washington: Greetings first ladies. It is I, Martha Washington.

Jackie Kennedy: Martha? You materialized in the garden.

Martha Washington: Oh! Bees and bonnets. Give me one second.

[Martha Washington breaks the window with an exe and comes in through.]

Okay. Girls, what’s shaking?

Melania Trump: Oh! Martha! I can’t do this tonight, you know? Maybe I don’t go to speech.

Martha Washington: Oh, Melania. You have to. Your job is to be your husband’s confidant.

Melania Trump: Ivanka does that.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, to host foreign dignitaries.

Melania Trump: No, that’s Ivanka. Yeah.

Martha Washington: To be the beautiful woman on his arm.

Melania Trump: Yeah, that’s Ivanka’s territory.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, fine. Maybe being first lady just means being with someone you don’t really like who doesn’t treat you very well.

[Michelle Obama walks out of the photo]

Michelle Obama: Speak for yourself, Martha!

Melania Trump: Michelle Obama? I can’t believe. You come to give me advice?

Michelle Obama: Me neither. But look, Barack and I have a perfect relationship. It’s like “The Notebook”, but black and rich.

Hillary Clinton: That’s right Michelle, but it’s not helpful.

Michelle Obama: Whatever. My arms rule. I love vegetables and I can be president whenever I want.

Martha Washington: Well, we are all with you, Melania.

Jackie Kennedy: Now, get out there and do what first ladies have always done. Stand there and clap.

Melania Trump: Okay. But, sometimes I’m going to sit down and not clap.

All: Woo-hoo! Yes.

Melania Trump: Okay. I go. Goodnight, ghosts.

[Melania Trump walks out]

Hillary Clinton: Alright, ladies. What now? Should we steal some stuff?

Michelle Obama: Definitely!

Martha Washington: Oh, yeah.

[The End]

Bunny

Natalie Portman

Trish… Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Bunny… Aidy Bryant

Bartender… Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies drinking cocktail at the bar talking to each other.]

Natalie: So I was on a date with that guy I was telling you about, Keen. And everything was going fine. But then he tells me his last name was Peele.

Trish: Oh, my god! So, his name’s Keen Peele?

Natalie: Yeah.

Cecily: Wait, like the show?

Trish: That’s so weird.

Natalie: I know. I couldn’t think about anything else. I had to cut the date short.

Cecily: Wow. And he was like, almost perfect.

Natalie: Am I crazy? I mean, am I just being too picky?

[Bunny slides in]

Bunny: Oh, yeah. You are. Definitely.

Cecily: Okay. Um, you’re definitely not. Men are just like, so weird right now. I made the mistake of making small talk with a cute guy on a subway and he offered to give me foot massage.

Natalie: Seriously? What the hell?

Bunny: I’ll tell you what. I would have took that offer in a heartbeat. I mean, a fresh pair of mitts on these dogs [pointing at her feet] is a heck of a lot better than the old pencil eraser I use now. Ha-ha.

Natalie: I guess it is a nice gesture.

Cecily: Yeah. But still gross.

Trish: I mean, I’m just coming to terms that I’ll probably be single forever. I mean every guy is some man-child loser.

Cecily: Yeah. Or like some over aggressive creep.

Bunny: Yeah. I hear that. And why are they all circumcised?

Cecily: What’s that?

Bunny: Men nowadays. They’re all circumcised. You know? I mean, it used to be a crapshoot, you know? And now, it seems like everybody’s cut. And believe me, I ain’t complaining. I’ll take a short sleeve just as quick as a turtle neck. I’m just saying I noticed.

Natalie: Yeah. That is weird.

Cecily: I’m sorry. What is your name?

Bunny: Bunny. Yeah. Sorry to bud in. I don’t get to have a lot of girl talk. I got a eight male roommates and I’m a chef at a man’s prison. So–

Natalie: Oh, that’s fine. Well, nice to meet you, Bunny.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: You ladies doing alright?

Bunny: Actually, you know what? Can we get another round on my tab? I’m doing a whiskey milk neat. And I think they’re doing the same.

Cecily: Oh, no. We’re definitely not.

Natalie: Um, three martinis please. So, you work around here, Bunny?

Bunny: Oh, no. I was here to meet a guy I’ve been catfishing. But he didn’t show.

Cecily: You were catfishing him?

Bunny: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll get a guy to drive from a few states away to meet a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko. But then when they get here, I tell them, “Ki-ko split.” And he can crash at my place instead. Next thing you know, Bunny’s munching on carrot.

Cecily: Oh, my god.

Natalie: I know. I wish I knew how to take more risks.

Cecily: No. That sounds dangerous and insane.

Bunny: Well, I’m sorry that strangers aren’t offering me footjobs on public transportation. You know, some of us have to hunt with bait.

[Trish is looking at her phone]

Trish: Oh, my god! Jake just texted me an eggplant emoji and a winky face.

Natalie: No way!

Cecily: So gross!

Bunny: Oh, jackpot, baby! And then there were three.

Trish: You know, I shouldn’t answer him, right?

Cecily: Of course, you shouldn’t

Bunny: Well, damn. If I got a text like that, I cool-aid man straight through that brick wall so fast, my pants rip off. And then by the time I’m at his door, ding dong, it’s full beef.

Natalie: Jake is pretty hot, Trish. Maybe you should answer him.

Trish: You think so? I mean we did have fun together.

Cecily: You know, why are you listening to this crazy lady?

Bunny: Bunny.

Cecily: Have some self respect. You can’t just be that desperate.

Bunny: Oh, you can. And you will when you get to be my age.

Natalie: Oh, Bunny. How old are you?

Bunny: 27.

Cecily: I’m 10 years older than that.

Bunny: Look. All I’m saying is it’s the 90s, you know? We ain’t gonna be high and tight forever. We might as well get our nuts off while we still can.

Cecily: It’s 2018.

Bunny: Oh, you wish.

Natalie: Bunny, you’re so right. I knew I was being unreasonable. You know what? I’m gonna go call Keen Peele, tell him I don’t care about his stupid name anymore.

[Natalie picks up her phone and walks out to call]

Trish: Yeah. I’m gonna go bang Jake. Bye, girl.

[Trish also leaves]

Bunny: Wow! [Bunny moves to close to Cecily] And then there were two.

Cecily: No.

Bunny: Another whiskey milk!

Cecily: How do you even drink that?

Bunny: Well, I like it coz it goes down smooth but it comes out firing.

[A guy walks in with a box of chocolates and a flower bouquet. He is wearing a suit.]

Guy: Sorry. Did you guys see a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko here?

Bunny: Oh, honey. Ki-ko just left but you can crash at my place tonight.

Guy: Dammit! Um, I guess I did drive pretty far.

Bunny: Ha-ha-ha-ha. And then there was one. [to the guy] You’re about to get some beef, brother.

[Bunny walks out with the guy]

Alien Lover

Rexin… Beck Bennett

Captain… Natalie Portman

[Starts with Rexin and Captain walking inside a room]

Rexin: Perhaps, this is all happening so fast.

Captain: Calm yourself, Rexin. With me at the helm, you’re bound only for bliss.

[Rexin and Captain go to the bed.]

Rexin: Oh, captain. How I even yearn for you? But I must admit I’m nervous. You are a noble human and I, a lonely Narloc.

Captain: Is your mind, Rexin. For I am a gifted lover and have experienced the passions of our galaxies many different life forms. You can trust me to steer the ship.

[Captain leans to kiss Rexin]

Rexin: Okay, wait. So sorry. Just hang on one second.

Captain: Yeah? What’s up?

Rexin: [sigh] Okay, so, just before we go any further, I just like– I don’t know. I just want to give you a head’s up that my butt is my face and my face is my butt.

Captain: Wait. What?

Rexin: My butt..

Captain: Yeah.

Rexin: …is my face.

Captain: And this? [pointing at his face]

Rexin: This face is my butt. Correct.

Captain: Seriously?

Rexin: Yeah. I’m an alien. It’s just how I’m built.

Captain: So, right now you’re talking out of your butt?

Rexin: Yeah. But so is other man you’ll meet. [laughing] It’s a little joke I’d like to tell sometimes after breaking the news.

Captain: Um, okay. Yeah. I guess I can roll with that.

Rexin: Yeah. Thank you. I’ll just go ahead and turn over then. [Rexin turns over. Captain is looking at Rexin’s butt. Rexin is shaking his butt as he speaks] Oh! There you are. Oh, I can finally see you.

Captain: Yeah. You too.

Rexin: So? This is me. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Captain: Ha-ha. Yeah. There you are.

Rexin: Yeah. Hey, I really like your hair.

Captain: Oh, thank you so much. I like your cheeks?

Rexin: Oh! Thank you.

Captain: No problem.

Rexin: You can touch them if you want.

Captain: Excuse me?

Rexin: My cheeks. You can touch my cheeks if you want.

Captain: Oh. Okay.

[Rexin touches Captain’s butt]

Rexin: Ah! Now spoon me.

Captain: What?

Rexin: Spoon me. Spoon me like you mean it.

Captain: Oh, okay.

[Rexin hugs Captain’s lower back]

Rexin: Oh god, this feels so right.

Captain: Yeah. Super right.

Rexin: Oh, no.

Captain: You okay?

Rexin: I think I’m allergic to your perfume. I’m gonna sneeze. Ah! [farts]

[Captain is disgusted. She stands immediately.]

Captain: Um, you know what? Why don’t I make us a drink?

Rexin: Um, I wouldn’t say no to a gin and tonic.

Captain: Ah! So, has your butt always been your face?

Rexin: Yeah. As long as I can remember.

Captain: Wow! That must be tough.

Rexin: Well, I just put on a brave ass and except at sometimes, life’s a real face hole. [Captain passes a drink to Rexin] Ah! Thank you. [Rexin pours the drink on his butt and makes drinking sound]

Captain: Oh, my god!
Rexin: That’s delicious. Thank you.

Captain: So, wait. At the restaurant?

Rexin: I was putting food in my ass. Yes. I’m respectful of the people around me. Ha-ha-ha.

Captain: I’m sorry. I just– I definitely can’t handle this.

Rexin: You know what? If you’re not into this, then that’s fine. But some day you’re gonna face the fact that some people’s faces are butts and their butts are their faces. [Rexin stands] Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom. [Rexin walks to the bathroom. He leans head over the toilet bowl. There’s peeing sound.]

Captain: Rexin, look at me.

Rexin: No.

Captain: Rexin!

Rexin: What?

Captain: Look at me.

Rexin: Fine! [Rexin faces his butt to Captain] What do you want?

Captain: Rex, you listen to me. Now, I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did but you have to understand I was surprised.

Rexin: Surprised? You were surprised? How do you think I feel, huh? Imagine my surprise. I was born this way.

Captain: Rex, please, I understand.

Rexin: No, you don’t! You don’t understand. The whole galaxy thinks I’m some kind of freak! I’m sure no one else on my planet was actually born this way. And sure, all psychiatrist said it was a false reality I created myself. But tell me this, if that’s the case, then how did I just pee out of my mouth?

Captain: I don’t know.

Rexin: Exactly. You don’t know. You don’t know. Mom doesn’t know. The doctors don’t know. And you best believe daddy don’t. Coz guess what? Oh, yeah, he was basically never around.

Captain: Rex! Get a hold of yourself!

[Captain slaps Rexin on his butt hard.]

Oh, Rex. I’m sorry.

Rexin: Did that make you feel good? Huh? You feel big and strong? Here I am just some confused kid trying to make sense of his body. But at least you had fun with your freak. Well, have a nice day, lady. [Rexin puts a had on his butt.]

Captain: Rex, please. [Rexin walks away leaning.] Rex, don’t run away. [Rexin stops] For once in your life, don’t run.

Rexin: Captain.

Captain: Yes, Rexin.

Rexin: When people ask you about me, what will you say?

Captain: [Captain gets on her knee looking at Rexin’s butt] I’ll say, “There goes Rex, the nicest ass you’ll ever meet.”

Rexin: Oh, captain, I–

Captain: [putting her finger near Rexin’s butt] Shh! [Captain leans forward to kiss Rexin’s butt. Video pauses before it happens.]

[The End]

Will Ferrell First Time Monologue

Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Farrell.

[Will Farrell walks in and to the stage. His forehead is bleeding.]

[cheers and applause]

Will Farrell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my god. Hello. Oh, wow! Look at this. My name is Will Farrell. Yes, I can’t believe this is happening. I have dreamt of standing on this stage my whole life. I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional. I mean, me, Will Farrell? On Saturday Night Live? What? Wow! It’s been a wile week. Monday, I met with the writers. Wednesday was the table read. And just now, I while I was doing my quick change back there, I hit my head on a steel beam so hard, I heard a crack. And then a whoosh of wind. And after that, I can’t remember a thing. Except that I was going to sing.

[music playing]

[singing] I think I’m gonna like it here
used two room, and a tomb
where I’d sit and freeze
get me now, holy cow
won’t someone pinch me please?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

I wanna see everything. What do you say we go on a tour around the studio? Do you want to? Do you want to ? [cheers]  Come on! Let’s go. [Will Farrell jumps off the stage] I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m suddenly very tired. I can’t walk. I can’t see either. Why is my head wet?

[Will Farrell walks to the audience.]

Sir, how are you? [while Will Farrell touches the audience, he rubs all his head’s blood on him.] That’s great. I need to sit.

[Will Farrell pushes the audience away and takes his seat]

[singing] Used two room, in a room

where I room the room
do you know, party dough,
hiddy ho, where you are?

[Will Farrell sleeps for a second and wakes up]

Is the show over? How were the reviews? What did vulture.com say? Huh? Tell me. Someone tell me.

[singing] You’re gonna like the way you look
I guarantee it.

Female Audience: Dude, you need to go to the hospital.

Will Farrell: [pointing at her] Lorne Michaels, everyone. The rudest man in show business. You know you are. Now, someone wrestle me.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in to take him to the stage]

The two of you?

Kenan: Okay. Okay. No, no, no.

Cecily: It’s alright.

Kenan: Let’s just go up there.

[They reach the stage]

Will Farrell: Oh, oh. Is it time to introduce the musical guest? Right. Ladies and gentlemen, Match Box 20.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Kenan: No.

Cecily: Finish the monologue

Will Farrell: You guys do too many song monologues, you know what?

Cecily: We know.

Kenan: That we know. Okay. Come on.

[they receive a hospital bed]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] We have but one request

[Will Farrell lays on the bed]

Please put us to the rest

we think you’re gonna like it here.

Will Farrell: [laying on the bed] We’ve got a great show. Chris Stapleton is here.

Kenan: Yeah.

Will Farrell: And Nelly Furtado.

Kenan: No.

Will Farrell: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Oscar nominations were announced this week. Here with award’s predictions is a star of her own YouTube channel ‘Bailey At The Movies’, please welcome teen film critic, Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: [awkwardly] Um, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing, Bailey? So, we’re glad to have you. I’m a big fan of your YouTube channel.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. I didn’t realize that you knew, like, everything about me. Alright. Michael Che is my stalker. Ha-ha. I’m just kidding. I know that you’re not. Not. Sorry.

[Bailey Gismert is acting very awkward]

Michael Che: So, Bailey, let’s hear your thoughts about this year’s Oscar movies.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, thirsty? Okay, Shape of water was like– I don’t know. It was like, weird. It was just like so weird.

Michael Che: Yeah. I guess it was kind of out there. Um, what else did you see?

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, um, I saw ‘Three Billboards’.  It’s weird too. I don’t know. But, lady put up the billboards and I was like, “Okay, random.”

Michael Che: Okay. Well, you know what’s getting a lot of buzz is “Call Me By Your Name.”

Bailey Gismert: [smiling] Stop. [laughing and blushing] Stop.

Michael Che: Okay.

Bailey Gismert: I actually liked that one a lot. That was really good.

Michael Che: You did? What about Armie Hammer? You like Hammer?

Bailey Gismert: [giggling] Stop it. Oh, my god. Yes, I liked him. I didn’t like him, like him. I just like, thought he was goo in it.

Michael Che: It looks like you might have a little crush on him.

Bailey Gismert: No! Oh, my god. I never said that. Just because I’m friends with a lot of guys doesn’t mean I like him. Like, I try. I do. I try to be friends with girls. And I get along with guys better.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Bailey Gismert: [shaky voice] And if Armie Hammer sees this, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: Oh, hey, sorry Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not up– [Bailey Gismert slowly wipes away her tears] I’m not upset. [sobbing] I’m just like, really dealing with a lot. And like, I know you guys only have to this show once a week. But I’m like, so stressed every night. With like, the play or yearbook. Like, I have to bowl with my dad. I had mono like, the whole year. And that’s why I didn’t even get to go on the French trip to cut back.

Michael Che: Look, Bailey. You did a great job. We’re all really proud of you. Honestly.

Bailey Gismert: [smiling] Okay, cool. Then if you like this and you like my reviews, then click the button below to like and subscribe.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live television.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, random. What even is that?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Ladybird sucks. Directors should be mad.

Michael Che: Whoa! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on End of Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at left top corner.]

Well, Monday, Chuck Schumer saw his shadow which means we have three more weeks of government. The shutdown is temporarily over until February 8. So, that means, these guys have 12 days left to solve all of immigration. I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even trust them to get out of an escape room in 12 days. Also, Schumer only agreed to this temporary deal because Mitch McConnell promised to finally address the issue of Dhaka. But trusting Mitch McConnell to keep a promise is like trusting Stevie Wonder to perform a briss.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Schumer said that before his meeting with president Trump on immigration reform, he insisted that White House advisor [Picture changes to Steven Miller] Steven Miller not be allowed in the room. But Miller usually scatters away whenever someone turns the lights on. Coz he looks like a roach. Steven Miller looks like he has a sex doll name ‘Mother.’ Doesn’t he look like the guy in ‘Ghost’ that yells, “Get off my train.” [Picture changes to Steven Miller and Vincent Schiavelli from ‘Ghost’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump

Colin Jost: President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So, he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation. It’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a Keig stand. My concern at this point is that Trump tries to obstruct justice so often and so publicly that he doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. I mean, no one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Coz, at this point, it’s just what he does. Also, like the Hamburglar, Trump is basically a Hamburglar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump’s lawyer Ty Cobb had to tell the president that the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean calm him down? You shouldn’t have to do that to a president. That’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. “Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.” I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever tried to press door close on somebody in an elevator but they make it anyway? And now you got to talk to Colin about white golfers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At the world economic forum in Davos, Switzerland, Trump was asked if he tried to fire Mueller. And this was Trump’s defense.

[Cut to Colin Jost walking. The media is asking him questions.]

Press: Did you try to fire Robert Mueller?

Donald Trump: [holding his hand up to his mouth as he’s whispering] Fake news, folks. Fake news.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why are you holding up your hand like that? It doesn’t work if you’re talking on full volume into a television camera. I think he probably saw all word leaders whispering like this whenever he entered a room. And he just thought it was like a cool European thing. He also probably thinks that [Colin Jost circles his index finger around his head side. Normally used to say ‘crazy’.] this means, “This guy has got a great idea.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Paul Kagame]

While in Davos, Trump also met with the president of Rwanda just a week after Trump used the vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and hold him not to scratch the finish.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI and republicans’ elephant logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut right to the black guy. Republicans have begun blaming a secret society with in FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And you know what? I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me because he constantly reaffirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense. Like, “The media is lying. The FBI is trying to do me like they did Tupac.” And I’m like, “They did kill Tupac, didn’t they?”

Weekend Update on Baboons Escaping Paris Zoo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s pictures of monkeys and Eiffel tower at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Paris zoo was evacuated on Friday after dozens of baboons escaped their enclosure. [in loud voice] Starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson. [Picture changes to a cover picture of the movie ‘Baboon Escape’.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: US customs and border protection agents are being criticized after they arrested a woman on a greyhound bus in Florida who did not have identification proving her citizenship. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re on a greyhound bus in Florida, it’s for things to get worse.

[Picture changes to Super bowl logo]

The Philadelphia Eagles will face the New England Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl making it the first super bowl where the fans have even worse brain damage than the players. Yeah. The Giants.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a camel at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least a dozen camels participating in Saudi Arabia’s camel beauty pageant have been disqualified because their owners injected their lips with botox. But other than that, it was just a perfectly normal camel beauty pageant.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World]

A Brooklyn man who needed a kidney transplant found one after spending a week at Disney World wearing a shirt with his kidney request which explains why Goofy woke up in a bathtub full of ice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a shirtless oiled up man at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some Olympic fans are excited after it was announced that Tonga shirtless oiled up flag bearer from the summer games has also qualified for the upcoming winter Olympics, where he’ll be the first guy to do the luge without needing a sled.

[Picture changes to Bacardi and Patrol logos]

Bacardi rum announced that they are merging with Patrol tequila. But I thought Bacardi and Patron had already merged to form Pitbull. [Picture changes to the rapper Pitbull.]

Weekend Update Jacob Silj on World Economic Forum

Colin Jost

Jacob Silj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump spoke in the World Economic Forum on Thursday emphasizing his administration’s ‘America First’ policy. Joining us now to shed further light on the President’s message is the senior economic’s fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies at Georgetown, Jacob Silj.

[Jacob Silj slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jacob Silj: [speaking like he has memorized it] Thank you, Colin. The Trump White House sent the world mixed messages last week about the strength of the dollar. But the president speech made one thing crystal clear. Multilateralism will not–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, yeah, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to interrupt.

Jacob Silj: What is it, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s that. It’s just that you’re so, you know–

Jacob Silj: Passionate about this issue? Guilty as charged, Colin. Throw the book at me. And make sure that book is about the responsible custodianship of American global economic responsibilities.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t– You don’t have to shout.

Jacob Silj: Oh, my god! You did not seriously tell me to stop shouting.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. I did. You’re just being really, really loud.

Jacob Silj: Unbelievable. In this day and age, I happen to suffer from voice immodulation syndrome. A condition that prevents me from controlling the volume at which I speak. Voice immodulation syndrome, or VIS has been diagnosed in over zero people the United States alone. And while there still is no cure, laboratory rats with VIS do not exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yes. Yeesh! I got it.

Jacob Silj: Yeesh? Yeesh? Is this funny to you? I thought we were pass this. Is a wheel chair funny? Not unless there’s an injured clown in it. How about slavery, Colin? Is that funny to you? Maybe you’d like to sell your co-host over there [pointing at Michael Che] to one of your rich Harvard friend.

Michael Che: Ay! We don’t need to go there, man!

Jacob Silj: Excuse me, Michael Che. But I’m having a private quiet conversation with Colin right now.

Michael Che: Except can hear you.

Jacob Silj: Because I have a disease.

Colin Jost: Okay. Maybe you could just try to say some of the stuff in your head. No offense.

Jacob Silj: None taken. Geez, Jost, did that wig come with the suit? Good to know you have five dollars.

Colin Jost: Okay. This is my real hair, Jacob.

Jacob Silj: Everything after “None taken” was muttered under breath, Colin. You couldn’t hear it.

Colin Jost: Okay. I think we might have gotten off track a little bit.

Jacob Silj: Because of your insensitivity. Put yourself in my shoes, Colin. My life has been a waking nightmare. Imagine a childhood of crushing loneliness. Now, imagine that you’re older. And you actually find a woman who is able to see past your disease. And love the man inside. Then you go to make love for the first time. And there are your sex noises.

Colin Jost: No, we don’t need it.

[Jacob Silj is making his sex noises]

Jacob Silj: Years later, imagine you’re at the gym and there’s a male dancer working out. And you say to yourself, “Boy, I’d switch for him.” He hears you. Then he admits he’s attracted to you too. Next thing you know, you’re telling that wonderful wife of 20 years that you’re going to the gym but you’re really going to Troy’s apartment. You’re cheating on her with a man all because you can’t control how loud you talk.

Colin Jost: Wow! Well, yes. That sounds– That sounds very embarassing.

Jacob Silj: Very, Colin. Very embarassing.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Jacob Silj, thank you for joining us.

Jacob Silj: [finally speaking in normal voice] My pleasure, Colin.

Colin Jost: Jacob Silj, everyone!

The House with Will Ferrell

Bryan… Beck Bennett

Brad… Will Farrell

David… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Bryan and Brad playing cards in their house]

Bryan: I won. Thanks for teaching me how to play cards.

Brad: It’s one of my favorite games.

[Bryan looks at his watch]

Bryan: Oh, wow! It’s almost time for movie night. I’m gonna get in something more comfortable since we’ll be lounging around.

Brad: Sweet.

[Bryan and Brad hug and Bryan walks away.]

[David slowly walks in]

David: Hey, Brad. Playing cards?

Brad: Yeah.

David: Well, we should get going soon if we’re gonna catch a movie at the theater for movie night.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Say what? David thinks we’re gonna watch a movie at the theaters. Bryan and I though we’re gonna watch one at the house. This could be drama, people.

[Cut to Brad in the hosue]

Brad: Dude, can we talk?

David: Um, sure.

[Cut to David narrating]

David narrating: Talk? I need answers. Like, yesterday.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: It’s about movie night.

[David takes a seat]

David: Alright. What about it?

Brad: It’s just that Bryan and I thought we’d watch a movie here.

[David gets disappointed]

[Cut to David narrating]

David narrating: Como se di’ se, what the hell?

[Cut to Brad and David]

David: But I bought us these tickets. [showing three tickets]

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: I did not see that coming.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: I’m sorry, David. I didn’t know.

David: I think I should leave.

[David stands and starts walking away]

Brad: Wait, David. I think going to the movies… [David turns around] is a great idea. Thanks for buying the tickets.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Yes! Movie night is back on. David is one of my favorite guys in the house. I can’t wait to get to know him more.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: Do you know how to play cards?

David: No.

Brad: Let me teach you.

[Brad starts teaching David how to play cards. Bryan walks in with a bowl full of pop-corn.]

Bryan: It’s movie time. [Bryan looks at Brad and David] Wait, David. Why are you wearing a jacket?

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, folks. This could get bumpy.

[Cut to the house]

Brad: Byna, I think we need to talk.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Okay. Let’s back it up here. Is anyone gonna tell me what the hell is happening right now?

[Cut to the house]

Brad: I wanna tell you what’s happening right now. Something happened earlier that you should know about.

[Cut to flashbacks of the conversation Brad and David had when Bryan was not there.]

[Cut to the house]

Bryan: Wait. We’re going to the movies? But I’m wearing shorts.

[David stands]

David: And that’s why, we need to talk.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: And we have lift off.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Okay. Looks like the specials today are drama, drama, and more drama.

[Cut to Tracy Morgan narrating]

Tracy Morgan: You gotta remember, I’m still taking my nap.

[Cut to the house]

David: The reason I wanted to talk to you is I wanna know if you put on some pants and go to the movie theater with us.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Yup, this is officially my life.

[Cut to the house]

Bryan: The answer to your question is… [Bryan and David looking at each other] No. Because I’m fine being a little chilly in the theater.

[happy song playing. They all hug it out.]

Female voice: Coming up on The House, Sonoma, season seven… ty five hundred… thousand.

[Cut to Brad opening the door to go to the movies. There is a woman and a boy outside of the door.]

Woman: Are you Brad Clay?

Brad: Yeah.

Woman: This is your son.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Survey says, drama!

[Cut to a dog narrating]

[dog is barking. The subtitle says “Just what I needed, more drama…”.]

Boy: Hi.

[Cut to Boy narrating]

Boy narrating: Holy fuc**.

Reality Stars

Bart… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Tina… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Will Farrell

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]

Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?

Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.

Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.

Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.

Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.

[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]

Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.

Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.

Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.

[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]

Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.

[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]

Bart: Oh, you meant that.

Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my  .

Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.

Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.

Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?

Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.

Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.

Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.

Kate: Oh, wow.

Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.

Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?

Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.

Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.

Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.

Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.

Cecily and Will: Aww.

Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?

Cecily and Will: No.

Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.

Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.

Will: So grounded.

Cecily: Being back here, right?

Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?

Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?

Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?

Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.

Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.

Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.

[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]

Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action!

[Kate and Tina sit down.]

Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.

Tina: What?

Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.

Tina: Excuse me?

Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.

Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.

Will: Yeah, Tina.

Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.

Will: Exactly, Tina.

Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.

Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.

Mikey: What is happening?

Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.

Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?

Tina: I didn’t know.

Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.

Mikey: It’s chicken.

Will: Bart, what is this?

Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.

Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.

Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.

Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.

Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.

Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?

Will: Oh, yes, please.

Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?

Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.