Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey Epstein… Adam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere]

[Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz]

[Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing]

[Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Adam Driver’s Chill Monologue

Adam Driver

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so happy to be hosting the first show of 2020.

[cheers and applause]

I have to say, I’m a little sad to say goodbye to 2019 because I’ve acted so much and so hard in all of these movies all year. Seriously, I was yelling, I was crying, I punched, I sang, all four emotions. And people assume I’m just like the characters I play. Really serious, private intimidating guy, Adam from Girls, or Kylo Ren from Space One. I’m not an intense guy. I’m actually very chill. So tonight, I’m just going to be myself, open up a bit and be chill. Can we get some chill music?

[music playing]

No, no, no, can you play something else.

[music changes]

okay, I like that one less. Can you go back to the first one?

[music changes back to the first one]

Okay, that’s good. You can hear that’s better, right? Okay. Good. Anyways, I’m very chill. And I’m just going to prove it. I’m just going to take my time up here, be myself and enjoy this moment.

[Adam Driver just looks around the hall with his hands in his pockets.]

Oh, that’s cool. That’s like a subway. Is that supposed to be grand central? Grand central subway? I can’t take the train, I get mobbed. That’s really neat. I never noticed that before.

[Adam Driver walks around the stage]

Okay, now, I’m grooving on this music. I’m sorry I just didn’t trust you guys yet.

Okay, some facts about me. I’m a husband, and a father. It’s in that order though. I’ve been very clear with my son about that. He’s second in everything. I live in Brooklyn. I can’t afford Manhattan, spent all my money. People think I hate red carpet stuff, and I do. But it’s just cause I’m bad at smiling. I look like a kidnapped person trying to send a message with his eyes. Look.

[zooming into Adam Driver’s face]

See? What else. [Adam Driver sits on the stage] Oh yeah, I saw “Little Women.” Spoiler, there’s not a little women, there’s a lot of women. I’m doing dry January, that means you just don’t take a bath. It’s not very hard. You know, other things, I’m very approachable. I’ll just approach an audience member.

[Adam Driver walks to the audience]

Here, move.

[Adam Driver makes one audience move away and he sits on her chair]

Hi. [talking to a guy next to him] Hey, man. Hey, man. You look like a Star Wars fan, no offense. Here. Here’s a sign right here, Kylo Ren action figure, choking hazards, small parts not for small children under three. There you go. That’s priceless. If I find that on ebay, I’ll kill you. Alright, thanks for being a fan.

[Adam Driver walks up to the stage.]

What else? I’m just trying to drag this out, because honestly there’s a sketch at the end of the show that I really don’t like. So I’m hoping if this goes long, it will just get cut. I play a woman in it, and I can’t tell if it’s transphobic or just really dated. Oh, here’s something. I was a marine before I was an actor. And acting is a lot like being a marine. You do one mission the way they planned, and then the sergeant says, “Now, just do one for fun and then make it your own.” What else about me? I know! I’m in a movie with Scarlett Johansson. I basically kissed Colin Jost, if you think about it. Alright, they’re totally screwed now. We got a great show for you tonight. Halsey is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

President Trump was acquitted in a senate trial this week and democrats are calling it a cover up. [Picture changes to Donald Trump having tan line on his face.] But does this look like a guy who can pull off a cover up? Oh, my god! It’s like the day at the nursing home when they let the residents put their own make up on?

[Picture chances to Donald Trump holding a newspaper]

President trump then spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast and held up a copy of a headline about his acquittal, I assume to prove the payers don’t work. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney] Then he went and attacked Mitt Romney, a devoured mormon who voted to convict him. Trump said, “I don’t I don’t like people who use their faith as a justification for doing what they know is wrong.” At which point, even the leaders of National Prayer Breakfast were like, “Jesus Christ, dude!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump holding a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The day after the senate vote, president Trump gave a speech at the White House which he called the celebration. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to video clip of OJ Simpson’s reaction when the judge said he was not guilty.]

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Oh! That’s a wrong clip. Here’s the actual one.

[Cut to President trumps speech]

Donald Trump: Adam Schiff is a vicious horrible person. Nancy Pelosi is a horrible person. It was all bull [bleep]. When I fired that sleighs back, all hail broke out. “Well you tell me what did you say.” Boom, boom, boom. I wish you were here.

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Michael Che: At least he’s happy. The audience for Trump’s speech consisted of his legal team and republican law makers because I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a State of Union address, Trump gave a medal to Rush Limbaugh and celebrated the creating of space force. A moment that was predicted by MadLibs dated to 1992.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump on a podium]

Trump also railed against public schools calling them failing government schools. Okay, but you went to private school and you don’t even know where Kansas city is. Coz after the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump mistakenly tweeted, “Congratulations to the state of Kansas”, despite the fact that the Chiefs are from Kansas city, Missouri. Incidentally, Kansas also has the only Manhattan where Trump is still welcome.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, president Trump in a touching moment awarded Rush Limbaugh the presidential medal of freedom. And then immediately after the speech in a more touching moment, Rush traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy. Now, look, say what you want about Rush Limbaugh…

[Michael Che is looking away.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh, that was it. During the State of Union, Trump also attacked California for refusing to cooperate with ICE agents saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]

Donald Trump: The state of California passed an outrageous law declaring their whole state to be a skank-tuary for criminal, illegal immigrants.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a skank-tuary? Sounds like someone’s been listening to their old outcast albums. By the way, Mr. President, I’m just curious, what country are those skank-tuary cities in?

[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]

Donald Trump: United States.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Iowa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: My god! It’s like Sean Connery. The results for the Iowa caucus were delayed after officials found inconsistencies due to a problem with a new voting app. So, I guess it’s no surprise that Iowa’s voters chose the candidate who looks like [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] the grandson that fixes your computer. This problematic voting app was developed by a company called Shadow Inc. Remember in 2016 primaries where the democrat’s main problem was transparency? And then this time they hired a company called Shadow Inc. That’s like losing half of your money in wire fraud and then putting everything you have left into something called Nigerian Prince National Bank.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Alexander Vindman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Lieutenant colonel Vindman who testified during president Trump’s impeachment trial was escorted from the White House and fired. Now, you might recall that Vindman received a purple heart due to a wound in combat while Trump has a purple heart because his blood type is hamburger grease.

Weekend Update New Shamrock Shake, Gritty Not Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s Oreo Shamrock shake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s announced a new Oreo Shamrock shake. Coincidentally, Oreo Shamrock is also what Colin calls Obama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: You remember it.

[There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani posing with bull fighters at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A photo from Lev Parnas’s phone was releases showing Rudy Giuliani posing with two bull fighters in Spain. And I think it’s little on the nose that Giuliani is literally holding up red flags.

[Picture changes to map of California state and a school building]

California is considering stopping physical fitness tests in schools over concerns that they lead to bullying and body shaming. So, good job getting gym canceled you fat losers!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Michigan State University logo and dolls display at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] The Michigan State University gift shop was forced to remove a display of dolls depicting black historical figures hanging from a rack. Worse, they were being sold for 3/5th the regular price. That’s just a good math and history joke. The school says they’ve since moved the dolls to more appropriate secured display case. [The picture changes to the dolls inside a prison]

[Michael Che is laughing hard]

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Porn star records sex video at gas station’.]

A gas station in Milwaukee may lose it’s business license after it was discovered that a male porn star recorded a sex video there. Even sadder, it was self pump!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mascot Gritty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] The Philadelphia flyers Mascot Gritty has been cleared of accusations that he punched a 13 year old boy. He’s being cleared and in return Gritty has agreed not to blow up the hospital.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to stitching yarn.]

Researchers say that they’ve developed a new way to stitch wounds together using a type of yarn made from human skin. They also say where they got the yarn made from human skin isn’t important. Incidentally yarn made from human skin is what Gritty is made of.

Weekend Update Chloe Fineman on The 2020 Oscars

Colin Jost

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are this Sunday. Here to comment is our own, Chloe Fineman.

[Chloe Fineman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chloe Fineman: Woo! So happy to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: We’re so happy to have you. So, I hear you’re pretty pumped for the Oscars this year.

Chloe Fineman: You bet. I love the Oscars. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] It is my favorite holiday. I am just such a huge fan of all the actresses nominated this year. And I have learnt so much from studying their performances.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! Would you mind sharing some of what you learned?

Chloe Fineman: Sure! Um, so let’s start with my favorite technique which is something that I like to call ‘steering wheel acting’.

Colin Jost: Steering? What’s that?

Chloe Fineman: You’ve seen it. It’s the scene in every Oscar movie where a broken woman is [sobbing] finally alone in her car [Cut to Chloe Fineman] and just let’s all go like… [starts acting like she’s crying in the car, hitting the steering wheel.]

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah. And is she laughing or crying?

Chloe Fineman: Neither. She is acting!

Colin Jost: Great! And can I ask, what are some examples in this year’s nominated films?

Chloe Fineman: Um, okay, [Cut to Chloe Fineman] well there was Martha, the virtuous nurse in Knives Out. [Chloe Fineman is doing steering wheel acting again] Oh, the knives! The knives! They were all out. They were all out!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And in Judy, Renée Zellweger broke from the form with some back seat acting.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman. She is doing the acting.]

Driver darling. Driver darling, pull over. I can’t see my mouth. It’s dry. Cling, cling, cling, went the trolley.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Now, I’m curious, what about the film like Little Women? Because they didn’t have cars back then?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, no steering wheel? An actor’s nightmare! [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Fortunately, the cast of Little Women broke out an ancient technique called ‘buggy acting’.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh.

Chloe Fineman: For example, Saoirse Ronan. [Chloe Fineman starts acting] Women have hearts and minds as well as souls. And I’m just so sick of being told otherwise.

And then Timothée Chalamet is like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Wait! I’ve loved you my whole life because of your heart and your mind as well as your beautiful body. Ha-ha-ha. La-la-la-la.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And then, Meryl Streep is like, watching the whole thing like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, you know. These young actors are just utterly delicious. Florence Pugh!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And I’m curious. Were there any non-vehicle performances that stuck with you?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Yes. Marriage story taught me a lot about teacup acting. It’s like when Scarjo is like…

[starts acting] So, I saw Charlie in this play. And he was this big bear. Do you feel like you’re at home, Colin?

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t. No. You don’t have to… You don’t have to do that. Thanks. It’s really good. Thank you.

Chloe Fineman: And then Laura turns like…

[starts acting] The babysitter? The babysitter? I will not, not be rich.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: I believe that was from Big Little Lies. Which is TV.

Chloe Fineman: No, Colin. It’s the Oscars.

Colin Jost: Chloe Fineman, everyone!

Chloe Fineman: [honking] Peep peep!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Cathy Anne

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, the impeachment of Donald Trump ended with an acquittal in the republican controlled senate. Here to talk more about it is the lady who screams outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey! Michael Che! Oh, please tell me you are my gift for my birthday.

Michael Che: It’s your birthday today?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! I’m turning 21.

Michael Che: You’re 21?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! Can you believe it? I’m finally legal.

Michael Che: Well, you are a lived in 21 year old.

Cathy Anne: Oh! Well, thank you for noticing.

Michael Che: Alright, so what have you been up to?

Cathy Anne: I went back to school.

Michael Che: You did?

Cathy Anne: No! Of course not. What the hell do you think this is? Pretty woman? No. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I got folded up in my sleeper couch and forgotten about.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: Um, let’s just say that fat masses in Cinderella were much nicer than the ones I was stuck with. Okay?[Cut to Cathy Anne] They didn’t make me a dress so much as choose through the crotch in my sweatpants. Look.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che. Cathy Anne is showing Michael Che her sweatpants.

Michael Che: No! No! No! So, what do you think of the senate acquitting Donald Trump?

Cathy Anne: That weren’t no damn trial! It ain’t even got witnesses. [Cut to Cathy Anne] You know what? I wish I could have a trial with no witnesses. However, I seem to always make my transgressions in very public places. And I mean, also, Mick McDonald said they weren’t gonna find him guilty before the damn thin even started.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mick Mc–

Cathy Anne: [yelling] Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: Okay!

Cathy Anne: You heard it wrong. I said it right.

Michael Che: Sure. Sure. So, you agree with the–

Cathy Anne: Your Weekend Update don’t know Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: [laughing] You agree with the people calling a cover up?

Cathy Anne: Cover up? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Who you covering? It’s all out in the open, okay? That’s like the time that Ikea got rocked in on me pants down [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] just spider squatting over the display toilet. And I tried to say, “It’s not what it looks like!” [Cut to Cathy Anne] Spoiler alert, it was more than it looked like.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Oh god!

Cathy Anne: You ever had those meatballs at Ikea? Whoo!

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, please!

Cathy Anne: This trial is so damn corrupt, Trump’s already going after anybody that did testify. I mean, you’ve heard that Lieutenant Colonel and his twin brother who didn’t even have nothing to do with it. Who the hell they think? He’s gonna parent trap himself coz he’s so desperate to get back there? That’s like baby Jessica. Getting rescued and then turned around and cannon ball back into the rail. [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] Ah! She’s fine!

Michael Che: So, you think it was a good idea to impeach him? Coz some people say it could hurt the democrats chances in the election.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: No, no, no! What’s gonna hurt the democrats is all the damn in Friday. I mean, why they keep going after each other about this idea of political purity. Hello! It’s politricks! We know they pure, but it’s necessary. I don’t go to red roof in and put a black lot to the sheets. I know exactly why them sheets is crunchy. But I still need a place to lay low first of all.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, you are on fire!

Cathy Anne: Oh, you heard about that?

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Anne: When I caught fire. Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I was running into a Pollo Loco, I tripped and fell ass first into a fire grill.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What were you doing running up into a Pollo Loco?

Cathy Anne: Well, I wasn’t really running into a Pollo Loco. I was running away from the Pizza Hut next door.

Michael Che: Why?

Cathy Anne: Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] turns out it’s true what they say. You can do all the crack in the world, but you still can’t out pizza the hut!

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright! Well, I think that’s enough. You have anything else you wanna say?

Cathy Anne: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go Parasite!

Michael Che: Oh, you like that movie?

Cathy Anne: No, no! I want my parasite to go.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: My birthday party’s at Michael Che’s. Everybody is invited.

Michael Che: No it’s not. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Thirsty Cops

RuPaul

Ego Nwodim

Pete Davidson

Paula… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two cops pulling over Pete]

RuPaul: Um, sir. I’ma have to ask you to stand over here while we investigate the situation.

Ego: The way you were driving, you’re very lucky we stopped you when we did. Do you have any idea why we pulled you over?

Pete: Yes, I apologize officers. I know I shouldn’t have been texting while driving.

Ego: That’s right. While driving, you’re only permitted to use hands-free devices. But with me, [dancing] you can be very hands on.

Pete: What?

RuPaul: What my partner is trying to say is, you is a snack! And the two of us can make a meal.

Ego: Okay. And I haven’t eaten in eight months, if you know what I saying.

[Cut to Thirsty Cops intro]

[Cut back to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: You know, we need to ask you a couple of questions. Which way you heading, sir?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, I was just going to meet some friends.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, but how you getting there? You headed straight?

RuPaul: Or is your journey more fluid? Not afraid to take a couple of queer turns along the way?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Um, I don’t know, sir. We were just going to meet up at a sports bar.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Okay, sports. So, you playing on my team.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah, but then we were thinking maybe Karaoke.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

RuPaul: Well, okay vocals! So, I’m still in the running.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

Pete: Hey, look. Am I under arrest here? Or…

[Ego walking near Pete]

Ego: We just wanna make sure you’re safe. This neighborhood is famous for it’s [Ego showing Pete her booty] dangerous curves!

RuPaul: Yeah, baby! [RuPaul walks near Pete] And I’m like black ice. You gonna see me coming.

Pete: Um, what is happening right now?

Ego: Well see, I don’t like to put labels on things so soon, but I think we’re in a potential DUI to DTF situation.

RuPaul: Ha-ha. Okay, stand down officer! Okay, alright. Now, let’s read him his Miranda rights.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: My name is Miranda and I does it right!

RuPaul: You also have the right to an attorney. And if you cannot afford an attorney, then I don’t want nothing to do with you.

[RuPaul and Ego laughing]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Okay. That was very funny.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: Alright, license please.

Pete: Here you go.

[Pete passes his license to Ego]

Ego: Alright. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] 6’1″. Brown eyes. Oh, oh! Look at that. He’s an organ donor.

RuPaul: Well, don’t just give it away. Make me work for it!

Ego: Hold on. Hold on. Look at this address. That’s a nice neighborhood. They got a Starbucks reserve over there.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: Now, do you rent or own?

Pete: Um, I actually bought a condo about a year ago.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Okay. He got assets! Ha-ha!

RuPaul: Equity! Equity!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: What you’re doing here doesn’t seem legal. It seems a little inhumane?

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: In which humane? In this humane or in that humane?

[police siren]

[Cut to everybody. Paula walks in.]

Paula: What seems to be the problem over here?

Pete: Oh, officer! Thank god! [Cut to Pete and Paula] These two are holding me here.

Paula: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to determine if there’s probable cause because you probably cause me to flood my she sheet.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Oh! Paula, you nasty girl!

RuPaul: You nasty!

[Cut to Pete and Paula]

Paula: I’m gonna have to go ahead and call this in. Excuse me. Car 51 at dispatch. Subject is reckless-ly hot! Lil’ sweety bad boy. Puppy dog but bites! He will hurt me but you can’t break what’s already broken. Over!

Pete: Hey, so are you gonna let me go?

Paula: I wish I could. I wish I could. [Paula pats on Pete’s chest] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make sure my dash cam got all this!

[Paula leaves]

Pete: Okay, look, you’ve had your fun. And to be honest, I didn’t hate everything you said, you know? Especially the sweetie bad boy stuff. But, um, I think it’s time I go.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

RuPaul: Okay, he is right. But because you were swerbing, we’re gonna have to give you a body test.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

Ego: Yes, arms out, sir! Touch your nose with your right hand and now touch your nose with your left hand.

RuPaul: Now lick it and make it sizzo!

[Pete touches his finger on his tongue, then on his butt and then make the soun, “Shh”.]

[RuPaul and Ego laughing]

Have a good night sir. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] And promise not to text and drive.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! Don’t worry. I know how to handle myself on the road now.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Oh, oh, oh! You do? Prove it. If I’m your phone, then you get a text, what do you do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Put you on my lap, faced down and set you to vibrate till I get home. Okay now.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego laughing]

RuPaul: Oh!

Ego: Oh!

[Video pauses]

Male voice: This has been a message from Thirsty Cops.

Female voice: Don’t text and drive, baby!

The Library

Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

RuPaul

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy and Mikey speaking to children and their parents in a library]

Aidy: Hello San Diego public library. Well we’re so lucky today that a special celebrity guest is going to be joining us. We’ve asked him to read some books for us.

Mikey: Yeah, he’s so generous to donate his time. Not entirely sure what he has planned but we know he is gonna teach you all about reading. So, please welcome, RuPaul!

[RuPaul walks in. He has some colorful reading glasses in his hands.]

RuPaul: Hello, hello, hello. Wow, I’m so glad to be here. You know, reading is so important. I even brought everybody reading glasses.

Aidy: Wow, how fun. Thank you.

RuPaul: Now, I’ll show you how to read. Then you try. What’s your name?

[Cut to Kate with her daughter]

Kate: Um, her name is Katlyn.

RuPaul: Can she read?

Kate: She is starting to, yeah.

[Katlyn is wearing a reading glasses.]

[Cut to RuPaul]

Oh, Katlyn sweetie, I bet you have plenty of washed up basic little friend that you cannot wait to read to fill. Am I right?

[Cut to Kate and Katlyn. Kate is confused.]

Kate: What?

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Aidy: Okay, now this is a time where I don’t know what is happening. So, Ru, here’s some books that you can use.

RuPaul: Oh, great! Let’s read some books.

[RuPaul sits down and takes off his glasses. Then he picks up a red one and wears it.]

Oh! The library is open.

[RuPaul picks up a book and shows it to the kids]

Okay, first up, Eloise by Kay Thompson’s. [clears his throat] Oh, Eloise, you need to call the front desk and get a hot oil treatment for that broom on your head. And girl, Victoria Secret called, they want their wallpaper back. And what is she doing? Popping a fart? Got that leg all cranked out all nasty. Girl, please! Ha-ha-ha.

[RuPaul puts the book down and gets another book.]

Okay, up next, Madeline by Ludwig Betolbin (saying the name wrong). Ms. Madeline, I have bad news child. The Eiffel tower is not in the woods. Girl you better draw France right, bitch! Somebody tryina act like they’ve been to Paris. You ain’t never been there girl, uh-uh!

[Cut to the kids and the parents]

Ego: What is happening?

[Cut to RuPaul. She is holding another book.]

RuPaul: Alright. Next, The Secret of the Old Clock. Honey, I’ll tell you what the secret is. She been out there doing herself. Uh-huh! Somebody found out and she just grabbed some old random clock and was acting like she was fixing it. Good god, girl! Get a grip. She crazy!

[Cut to Aidy and Mikey]

Mikey: Okay, let’s pause. Um, I think people might be a little confused.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Well, I am reading these books, girls.

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Aidy: Right. I believe that reading is like a drag term like work, or dancing, but for personalized insults.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Exactly! Reading is throwing shay. A brutal insult wrapped inside a glorious wordplay. You know what I’m saying? Reading is what? Fun-damental! Yeah.

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Mikey: Oh, okay. I’m so sorry. When you put it like that, go right ahead.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Oh, thank you.

[RuPaul takes another book]

Harriet the Spy. Girl bye! Next!

[RuPaul put that book down and takes another one.]

Oh, child! This girl is shaped like a BMW. Body Made Wrong. And what’s up with your foundation? Why you look so orange? And your body is green girl! Pop off!

[RuPaul picks up another book]

Oh! Bear got some over a busted overall. Who does she think she is? Oh, she thinks she Bo-hoe like Zooey Deschanel. Girl, you ain’t Bo-hoe. You a Bro-hoe! Be gone!

[Cut to the parents and the kids]

Ego: This is like, very education. Should we leave?

Kate: Absolutely… not! This is the most fun I’ve had since this girl blasted out of me.

Beck: Absolutely. This is so fun. Do me! Do me.!

[Cut to RuPaul holding a book]

RuPaul: Honey, you ain’t worth the crabs.

[Cut to Aidy and Mikey]

Mikey: Okay, I hate to interrupt here coz I can only imagine the feel that you’d have with me. Um, but I’m not sure this is useful to our kids.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Well, sir, these children spending their Saturday inside a library with RuPaul, a well time read is gonna save their little booties on playground. Right?

[Cut to Kate and Katlyn]

Katlyn: I wanna try.

RuPaul: Okay.

Katlyn: Library? More like strawberry!

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

RuPaul: Aw! Bless her heart. Well, you’re almost there, honey. Alright, may I continue?Of course.

Aidy: Of course.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: James and the Giant Peach. Oh! That peach is giant and is juicy. Must be jelly coz jammed on shay. Okay, children. You go!

[The End]

RuPaul Monologue

RuPaul

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage. He’s wearing a pink suit.]

[cheers and applause]

RuPaul: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you. Hello, hello, hello. Well, this is fun, right? My name is Ru which is short for RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[cheers and applause]

Now, for anyone who’s not familiar with my show. how dare you? And second of all, let me break it down for you in terms you can understand. So our girls gag us with their allaganza, deathdrop for the children, and slay the house down boots. Make sense? Now, I’m sure most of you are probably surprised to see me out of drag. but trust, I am wearing my grandmother’s panties, for good luck. You know. You know, I always say you’re born naked and the rest is drag. So whatever you put on after you get out of the shower, baby, that’s your drag. Like, ma’am, you’re in drag, and sir, you’re in drag. And even you, sir, you’re in drag.

I moved to new york city in the 1980s with a pair of high heels and a dream. Back then New York was full of drugs, street walkers and seedy nightclubs. But it wasn’t all good. Now, I wanted to tell you guys some stories of my experiences as a drag queen in the east village. But the producer said, “Oh, no. You better don’t.” So guys, here’s an edited version of what they let me say, okay? “Yonkers. Corrections officer. House of pancakes. Feet.” So you guys can just fill in the blanks, and — true story. I’ve been in the business for a really long time. I’ve had lots of ups and downs. There are three things that always get me through everything. Number one, get the money up front. Number two, if they ain’t paying your bills, pay them no mind. And finally, don’t take life too seriously. There are things I take seriously. I take kindness seriously, I take love seriously. All the rest, baby, just have fun. If you follow your heart and dare to be different and use all the colors in the crayon box, who knows where you’ll end up. If you’re lucky, you just might find yourself hosting Saturday Night Live.” We have a great show. Justin Bieber is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Old New York Show

Madge… Aidy Bryant

Dickie… Kate McKinnon

Terry… RuPaul

[Starts with Old New York Show intro.]

[music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Buy some and drink it, booze,
oh! Drink it. It’s the Old New York Show. With Madge and Dickie. Hello!

[Madge and Dickie sit down.]

Madge: Yes, and welcome to the Old New York Show with Madge and Dickie.

Dickie: I’m Dickie Saint Painters. And this is my life long friend and drinking companion, Madge Caddington Boot.

Madge: It’s true. Dickie and I have lived on 36th floor of the beautiful Saint Bevis Hotel.

Dickie: Overlooking a full authority bus hospital.

Madge: Yes. Now we broadcast this show from our shared room straight to the Hotel TV channel One!

Dickie: We’ve lived in this room for over 50 years.

Madge: Yeah, there’s a rule on the books from Giuliani that if we set foot outside, we have to give it up. So, we love Rudy!

Dickie: Oh, come back Rudy!

Madge: Yeah, you know, New York, it used to be different. But now, it’s changed.

Dickie: Madge and I lived through the most iconic period of New York history.

Madge: 1994! Oh, early to mid 90s.

Dickie: The Rudy day.

Madge: Every apartment was a dollar!

Dickie: No Red Docks!

Madge: Dignified! And you know what? Music was like, this. [snapping her finger fast] Never slow. It was New York.

Dickie: Oopsie, doopsie doop.

Madge: Oh!

Dickie: Now the sound of diamonds falling onto a mirror means it’s time to admire our bubbles. Two, three, four.

[music playing]

Madge and Dickie: [singing] Gold rings on an old hand
gold rings on an old hand

Dickie: That was fun.

Madge: That was good. Oh, sure, you bitch.

Dickie: Oh, shut up. Shut up. Now, it’s time to introduce our guest.

Madge: Twice now. Dickie and I have married the same man. That’s right, so please welcome Terry Tees.

[Terry walks in and hugs Madge and Dickie]

Terry: Oh! Oh, Madge. Dickie! Oh! You girls don’t look a day over 30.

Madge: Oh, thank you.

Dickie: Sweet.

Terry: You look a million days over 30!

Madge: We love you. We love you. You know, we first met Terry in the barged off bathroom where we were all shoplifting silk.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. The three of us were stuffing our blouses with other nicer blouses.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: We were all putting on for three days, and when we left, we were friends for life.

Madge: Yes. Now, Terry, tell them what you do for living.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Well, by day I’m an unemployed shoe critic. By night, I’m an usher on Broadway where I yell at ladies to pee faster. And by morning, I’m asleep.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Now, we had some great times together in old New York, didn’t we Terry?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Oh, yes! Throwing costume jewelry off the Empire State building.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Falling off the side of the Staten Island ferry.

Madge: And, blowing all our cash betting on alley cats down in the gutter casino. Speaking of… two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

[music playing]

All: [singing] Gutter casino roulette
tiny tap table where the rats can bet

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Hah! Now, that was old New York.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, come back.

Madge: Yes, Rudy! We love you. You killed all the whores.

Dickie: You sent all the screegy men to hell.

[knocking sound]

Okay, the sound of a rat falling into a fryer, means it’s time for our big praying.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry. Madge is picking up the phone]

Madge: Yes. Yes. Terry, call room service.

Terry: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Hello, room service? Do you have any turd soup?

Madge: Oh, you don’t? Well, that’s my favorite food.

Dickie: And now we’re gonna bomb the whole hotel.

All: Ha-ha-ha.

Terry: Hang up! Hang up!

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: I think they know it’s us but I don’t know how.

Madge: Yes. Yes. They can handle it. They gotta be tough. Why? Coz it’s New York city. City of trains, two, three, four.

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

[music playing]

All: G to the L to the One to the Q
took across town 7 till the uptown two.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: There’s a puddle on my seat. What should I do?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Sit in it baby. It’s New York!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

All: And that’s how I think
I got pee in one blink
in New York

Madge: Oh! De Blasio! You wish, De Blasio! You wish!

Dickie: The sound of bed bugs stampeding out of electrical sockets means it’s time to go to bed.

Madge: They’re hungry for us.

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Aw, hey! You mind if I crash? I- I can’t stay at my apartment tonight because it’s been a CVS for 20 years.

[Cut to Madge and Dickie]

Dickie: Yes!

Madge: Of course!

[Cut to Madge, Dickie and Terry]

[music playing]

All: [singing] It’s the Old New York show!

[The End]