Category: 2017

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Girl at a Bar

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Amy… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]

Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Michelle: Oh. Um…

Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.

Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.

Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.

Michelle: I think the whole world is.

Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.

Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.

Dave: I’m Dave.

Michelle: I’m Michelle.

Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.

Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.

Dave: I know. Look.

[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]

Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.

Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?

Michelle: You men like a date?

Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.

Michelle: Um, no thank you.

Dave: Okay, bitch!

Michelle: What?

Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak!

[Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]

Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dave: What? I followed all the rules!

[Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]

Kyle: Nightmare!

Michelle: Yeah.

Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?

Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.

Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.

Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.

Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.

Michelle: Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.

Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.

Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?

Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.

Kyle: Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?

Michelle: Ew!

[Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]

Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!

Kyle: Fine!

[Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]

Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.

Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?

Michelle: Yeah.

Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?

Michelle: Ew, no.

Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Bitch.

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Please!

Michelle: No!

Mikey: But it’s not fair.

[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]

Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.

Michelle: Ah!

Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?

Michelle: Yes, I do.

Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?

Michelle: No!

Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch!

[Amy walks in pushing Alex away]

Amy: No, no. Go!

Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.

Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.

Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.

Amy: Oh, you do?

Michelle: Yeah.

Amy: Touch my [bleep].

Michelle: What? No!

Amy: [yelling] Bitch!

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing]
Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.

Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing]

[Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Bar Centrale

Candis… Aidy Bryant

Noal… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Terry… Cecily Strong

Jode… Octavia Spencer

Waiter… Alex Moffat

[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]

Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.

Noal: Perfect!

Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.

Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.

Candis: Oh, cool.

Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.

[Jode walks in]

Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.

Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.

Candis: Um, Jode?

Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.

Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.

Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.

Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?

Jode: Hell, yeah.

Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!

Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.

[the waiter walks in]

Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?

Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.

Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?

Terry: Word!

Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?

Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?

Waiter: Absolutely.

Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?

Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.

Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.

Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.

Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.

Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?

Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.

Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”

Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.

Terry: What?

Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.

Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.

Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?

Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.

Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.

Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.

Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!

Waiter: Yes?

Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?

Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.

[music playing]

[Terry and Jode start dancing]

Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.

Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!

[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]

Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.

Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face]

[looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!

Weekend Update on the 9th Circuit Court’s Ruling

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

So, an appeal court unanimously upheld the suspension of president Trump’s travel ban. But I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Okay. Minutes after the ruling, president Trump tweeted in all caps, “See you in court.” Honey, you can’t threaten federal judges with more court. And you just lost in court. Trump’s the guy who gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells out, “Let’s take this outside!” But then Friday, president Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order instead of appealing to the supreme court. Of course, because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, “I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.” and three days later, my account was disabled by NBC for drunk tweeting @meredithvieira.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: True. President falsely claimed in a speech that the media has purposely failed to cover terrorist attacks because when he was flipping through the channels the other night, only TBS was brave enough to air the story of the American scientist gunned down by Libyans.

[Picture changes to White House]

A new list of terrorists attacks released by the white hosue this week was also riddled with spelling errors. Or there has been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism. [Paper has “Icelandic” written instead of “Islamic”. While signing new executive orders on crime, president Trump said, “A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.” Then he spent 20minutes struggling to get into batman costume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Thursday, the White House quote, “counseled”, Kenlyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally ‘Counselor to President.’ Trump’s White House is so dysfunctional, that his counselor needs a counselor. That’s like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The senate voted on Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new Confederate General– sorry, Attorney General. Attorney General. Attorney General. Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986over concerns of racism. But don’t worry, if there’s one thing that makes racists better, it’s age. My grandpa is getting more and more tolerant. Now he says, “My African-American nurse is stealing from me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Betsy Devos storming out of a school at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Keep telling your grandpa I’m not his nurse. [Colin Jost laughing] Newly confirmed secretary of education, Betsy Devos, or as I’ve been calling her Bev Bil Devos, was blocked from entering a school by protestors. You know, I can’t remember this many people freaking out over a cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, “Can you believe they’re putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?” And I was like, “There’s somebody in charge of the projects? Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?” You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I’d say this but I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just s span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero and a department store. Dude, pace yourself! Donald Trump can’t keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky fried chicken body. No wonder he is always cranky. He’s probably gassy. Plus, now every time he checks the internet he has to see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean getting his groove back. [Picture changes to Obama jet-skiing] Look at Obama. [cheers and applause] Obama is all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force smiling through a 30 second handshake with the prime minister of Japan. Like, “What the f* am I doing here?” It’s sad, man. I hope he quits. Donald, is this really how you want to spend las two years of your life?

Weekend Update Elizabeth Warren

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, senator Elizabeth Warren was asked to stand down on the senate floor while reading a letter by Coretta SCott King. Here to comment is Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. Good morning to you both and thank you. This isn’t gonna be fun but it is necessary. So, let’s start right in.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Let’s do that. Now, senator, how did you feel about being told to sit down by Mitch McConnell?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, well, he did try to shut me up but nevertheless, I persisted in making trigger my B. I will never stop rooting out corruption. Which brings me to my first point, anchor Jost. We begin with the simple yes or no question. It says here that you and Michael Che are credited as full cast members on the show, is that correct?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you questioning me?

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. And yet, you’ve only performed in a 10 minute segment entitled, [looking through papers] sorry I have it here, it’s called Weekend Update. Is that– Yes?

Colin Jost: That’s correct. Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: And yet, you collect the same paycheck of a cast member who appears throughout the entire show. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s interesting.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not really the way it works, senator.

Elizabeth Warren: And is it not also true that you are currently a board member for Goldman Sachs?

Colin Jost: That is not true. NO.

Elizabeth Warren: Alright.

Colin Jost: Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Elizabeth Warren: I think it’s the hair.

Colin Jost: It feels like you’re always working, you’re always on the job senator. Aren’t there other democrats who can help you out with this?

Elizabeth Warren: No. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] It’s just me, Bernie and Schumer. That’s Amy Schumer. Which brings me to my next order of business now. Anchor Jost, is it not true that as a television personality [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] you’ve received freebies and swag bags from such companies as Popchips Chapstick and Jamba Juice?

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, occasionally, yeah, we get free stuff, but we don’t let it affect what we do. Right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking Jamba Juice]

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yet, let the record show that Che is guzzling a Razzmatazz smoothie.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. You really do not stop, senator?

Elizabeth Warren: No, I do not. My Fit Bit says ‘Check Engine’

Colin Jost: Have you always been this way?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, actually I have. IN middle school, I was the girl who would do this. “Excuse me, excuse me, he’s writing on the desk!”

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s really fun. Now, you weren’t able to prevent any of Trump’s nominees. They all got confirmed.

Elizabeth Warren: Alright, excuse me. I am glad that you brought up president Trump. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I would now like to read a letter from the avclub.com concerning the time that Donald Trump hosted this–

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, actually, we’re out of time. Sorry.

Elizabeth Warren: Am I being silenced? Mr. Chairman, I suggest the absence of the quorum.

Colin Jost: There is no quorum here. Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: Check twitter in two minutes.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 50 Shades of Gray

Michael Che

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

 Michael Che: Thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray films, many couples have been experimenting with bondage and S&M in the bedroom. Here to share their expertise is a couple who recent gave it a shot, Greg and Shelly Duncan.

[Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eyes and his lips are bleeding.]

 Greg Duncan: Hello. Hello, Michael.

 Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

 Michael Che: Now, was it difficult to take that first step into S&M?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, if you’re like me, you might feel a little shy at first.

 Greg Duncan: Yes.

 Shelly Duncan: So, I recommend loosening up with a glass of wine or two.

 Greg Duncan: Absolutely. And going off the theme of proper preparation. It’s also important to figure out the extent to which your limbs can bend before they break. And honey, that goes for you penis as well.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Now, in 50 Shades of Gray movie, there’s a lot of spanking. Is that something you guys tried?

 Shelly Duncan: Oh boy.

 Greg Duncan: Yeah. I can take that one. [Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan] Yes, we did. But just a heads up, as a couple take the time to define what a spank is. Is it an open hand tap on the rear end? Or a closed fist punch to everywhere?

 Shelly Duncan: Gregory!

 Greg Duncan: What?

 Shelly Duncan: Keep some things private, baby.

 Greg Duncan: I’m sorry, baby.

 Shelly Duncan: But my husband makes a good point. Know what your partner feels comfortable with. Like– Are blindfolds okay?

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yeah. Is picking your partner up over your head and burning him on an overhead light cool? Guilty?

 Shelly Duncan: Are handcuffs a fair game? In my case, yes.

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Does being water boarded with your own urine turn you one? In my case, no.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: So, this just sounds painful. What did you enjoy about it?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, we love getting creative and pretending to be other people. Didn’t we, baby?

 Greg Duncan: Uh-huh. I even had a little name for her. I called her mistress Xanda. And what was that little name you had for me?

 Shelly Duncan: Toilet dog. And I would say fun little things like, “Eat your fear little toilet dog. Grr!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Yeah. Well…

 Greg Duncan: She’s shy.

 Michael Che: Yeah, she looks shy. Any final tips for viewers who might still be interested in giving S&M a shot?

 Shelly Duncan: Go for it. A little pain could make a big difference.

 Greg Duncan: Um, yeah. Also, know your blood type.

 Michael Che: Toilet Dog and Shelly Duncan, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update $18 Coffee

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a take away coffee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new coffee shop has opened in Brooklyn that will see an $18 cup of coffee, which only makes sense to me if it was served with a side of damn $15.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An American woman set a new record by visiting every country in the world in 19 months. And after all that travel, she found the one thing that had been inside her all along. [Picture changes to a mosquito] Zika.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl logo]

A Massachusetts couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has name him Brady. While an Atlanta couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl named him, “Son of a bitch.”