Category: 2017

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a gorrila and a Cheeto at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Cheeto that looks like the Gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe and that he also deserves to be shot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a beach at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in England say over $60 million of cocaine washed up on a beach. For reference, here’s what $60 million worth of washed up cocaine looks like.

[Picture changes to a cocaine addict]

Trump People’s Court

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Judges… Pete Davidson, Vanessa Bayer, Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The People’s Court intro]

Male voice: This is the People’s Court.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the court]

Male voice: This is the plaintiff, the president of the United States. He claims that some phony judges are being very mean to him. He is asking for broad unchecked power. Will he get it?

[Cut to three judges walking in the court]

These are the defendants. They are three judges from the 9th circuit court who heard the case for Trump’s ban and said not in. They’re accused of letting bad hombres pour into this country.

Police: All Rise. [everybody stands] Judges, do each of you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god.

9th Circuit Judges: We do.

Police: Mr. President.

Donald Trump: I’m good.

Police: Proceed it.

Judge: Alright, thank you. First of all, Mr. Trump, you understand this is a TV court, right?

Donald Trump: That’s okay. I’m a TV president.

Judge: Alright, so, your travel ban has been rejected as unconstitutional, once again, but here you are. What are we doing here, man?

Donald Trump: Well, thank you, judge, or what do you call a lady judge? A flight attendant? Something like that? Look, I signed a tremendous travel ban. I didn’t read it but I signed it. People took pictures of me holding up a piece of paper. Very official. These judges have been very disrespectful. I’m right. They’re wrong. I want the ban reinstated. Also, I want $725.

Judge: Okay. You know, earlier this woman asked me to award her joint custody of a snake and she had more of a case than you. Okay? Alright. Let me ask the circuit court judges.

Donald Trump: So called.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: So called. So called judges.

Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Trump, these three are federal judges. Okay? They’re actually more real than I am. Alright, judges, why did you agree with the lower courty’s projection of the ban?

Vanessa: Your honor, it was our conclusion that the ban violated the establishment clause because it included a religious test.

Donald Trump: Wrong. [Donald Trump has his own gavel banging] Over ruled!

Judge: President Trump, that’s enough!

Donald Trump: I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it.

Judge: Alright, Mr. Trump, do you have one legitimate reason we need this ban?

Donald Trump: Of course I do. It’s so simple. The bad people are pouring in. And you see them. And it’s ISIS. And San Bernandino, Chicago, I mean, look at Chicago. It’s hell. There are bad dudes coming in here. Bad hombres, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Judge: Alright, that sounded less like an argument and more like refrigerator magnet poetry. Alright, Mr. Trump, I hear you wanna bring in a character witness.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Someone who has known me for years. He’s a family. Incredible person with impeccable credentials, Mr. Vladimir Putin.

[Vladimir Putin walks in and he is giving high-fives to the people behind Donald Trump].

[background entrance music playing]

Male voice announcing: “He’s Russian president. An authoritarian leader who invaded other countries and killed rivals. He’s president’s Trump’s long-time crush.”

Donald Trump: Vladimir is an amazing person. He knows me better than anyone.

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. Hey, everybody, come on! Lay off president Trump, okay? This man is a great friend. He’s my little American Happy Meal. He do anything for you. He’d go against his own country just to make us happy, okay? We good here? Cool. [Vladimir Putin walks away] See you at Mar-A-Lago, baby!

Judge: Okay, you know what? Alright, that’s it. President Trump, look, I read the bad. It seemed rushed even to me. I decide three court cases in an hour, okay. Okay? I see no evidence that it will help. So I am sorry to say–

Donald Trump: I want to settle.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: I’d like to settle. Settle out of court.

Judge: No. Mr. President, I’m sorry but–

Donald Trump: We settle and so will you.

Judge: No, sir, no, I won’t. And let me just say, you are doing too much. Okay? I want one day without a CNN alert that scared the hell out of me. Alright? I just– I just want to relax and watch the Grammy’s. Alright, and no one has ever said that. That’s my decision.

Male voice: Judge rules for the 9th circuit judges. Our next case, on ‘The People’s Court’. The Plaintiff is president Donald J. Trump. The defendant is a manager at Nordstorm, when we return.

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Thrush… Bobby Moynihan

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: We now go live to the Daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sean Spicer on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Alright everyone, be quiet. Be seated. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. First of all, I’ld like to announce I am calm now. And I will remain calm as long as you sons of– I’m not gonna do that because that’s is the old spicy. And this is the new spicy. And I have been told that I must cut back on the gum chewing so I am now limiting myself to one slice a day. [showing a huge gum] So, I’m going to enjoy my one and only and you can just sit and watch. [Sean Spicer opens the huge gum and chews it. Then puts it on the podium.] I’ll get back to you later. Now, I’d like to begin with president’s schedule. Three PM, president Trump will meet with the leader from Central Asia, president… oh, boy, [not being able to read the president’s name] Asma-back-atima-baby. OKay? To discuss the unrest in Kahaga– [not being able to read the country’s place] Kahagasthan. Specifically in.. Arabara– [not being able to read the place’s name] Arawanaabag. So, write that. And they will be joined by his wife… um, I’m just gonna pass on that one. You know what? Let’s just call her Connie. Alright? Okay, did that. Now, I’m going to open this up for questions. And I’m gonna probably freak if you start asking stupid ones. Speaking of freaks and stupid ones, , Glenn Thrush, New York Times, stupid hat, so.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: Look, I just wanted to know what the president intends to do now that the appeals court denied his request to stop the travel ban?

[Cut to Sean Spicer breathing heavy]

Sean Spicer: [looking above] You’re testing me, big guy. Look, it’s simple. If the appeals court won’t do what’s right, president Trump will see them in court. Specifically, the people’s court.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: That isn’t real.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [mocking Glenn] Uh, that isn’t real. I’m Glenn, and I’m not really– [yelling] It is real, Glenn! It says that right before each case, Glen. It says cases are real. The rulings are final. Don’t f* with me Glenn. Next question. It’s turkey.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Um, the president has said there should be a test to see if immigrants truly love America. What would that test even be?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Um, it’s easy, it’s extreme vetting. Extreme vetting.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Um, what does that mean? Extreme vetting?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: What does it mean? It means it’s extreme! Okay? You know what? Spicy is going to explain it so you dumb babies can understand it. So I guess I can’t use my big words. I’m gonna have to use my dollies.

[Sean Spicer steps aside. There are two boxes in front of him]

Alright? You ready for dollies so you can understand what’s going on? Here’s how it’s going to go down. You’ve got your TSA agent right here, okay? [showing an action figure] And first you have a barbie coming in. [showing a barbie doll] Nice American girl back from a dream vacation. We know she’s okay because she’s blonde. So she gets in. [throwing the barbie inside another box] Easy. We understand that perfect. Now who’s up next? [showing another black barbie] Oh-oh! It’s Moana.  Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, honey. And then we are going to pat her down and then we’re gonna read her emails. And if we don’t like the answers which we won’t, boom! Guantanamo Bay.

[Sean Spicer walks back to the podium]

Alright, let’s go! Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes. Earlier this week, you said there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [laughing] Um, yeah. I said that wrong when I said it, and then you wrote it, which makes you wrong. Because when I say something wrong, you guys should know what it is I mean? Wrong or right, you are wrong. And that’s why you’re here. Obviously I meant Orlanta.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Orlando.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [getting angry] You know what? [Sean Spicer picks up the gum she had put on the podium and throws it to Sasheer] Okay? Look, the problem is all these terrorist instances and incidents that you are not reporting on. Okay? I have a whole list here that you never even write about. Never covered them once. Let’s read from the list. Okay? The Bowling Green massacre. Not the Kellyanne one. The real one. Okay? The horror in Six Flags. The slaughter at Fragglerock. The night they drove Old Dixie down. Okay? And then there was some light terrorism this week when Nordstorm’s decided to stop selling Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing and accessories. Okay? And that’s Nordstrom’s loss. Because these are high, high quality products. IN fact, I am waring one of her bangles right now. It’s beautiful, it’s shimmery, it’s elegant and at $39.99? [Details to product and phone number to buy appears on screen like those of commercial ads] It is unbelievably affordable. Okay? And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Alright? These babies are real turners. Okay, now we have brand new Attorney General and everyone is very excited about him. And he’s going to answer some questions as well as, here we go! yeah! Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions walks in]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you so much. Thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much. I do want to say I appreciate it. The fierce debate around my nomination. Lindsay Graham came in like a porcupine. But then my friend Mitch McConnell swoop in like an alligator, bite a head off. We know there are two kinds of crime, regular and black.

[Sean Spicer runs in and pushes Jeff Sessions away]

Sean Spicer: Alright! Alright! Case made! Case made! Thank you, secretary Sessions. Now, as you know, we do need some one here to bring back law and order because places like Chicago, the murder rate is over 80%. 80% of people the people in Chicago have been murdered and are dead. And that’s on you. You did that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah. You know what? I’m looking at the real numbers here and they directly contradict everything you said.

[Sean Spicer comes forward with a leaf blower and uses it on Cecily.]

Sean Spicer: You know what that was? That was me blowing away their dishonesty. Alright, any other questions?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah. Um, just mentally though, are you okay?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Are you kidding me? [This time, she has an automatic podium that runs like a bike, so she runs it to it Kyle.] Run! You better run! You don’t have a chance. And life from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Russell Stover

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a couple enjoying wine in a candle light.]

Female voice: You’ve always loved her and nothing says “I love you” like the classic Russell Stover heart-shaped box of chocolages.

[Mikey gives Melissa a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Mikey: Happy Valentine’s day, baby.

Female voice: But February isn’t only about Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Alex giving Sasheer a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Alex: Happy black history month, baby.

Sasheer: It’s not gonna be– [Sasheer opens the box of chocolate. They’re all face shaped chocolate making it look like they’re black.] Oh, it is.

Female voice: Russell Stover is honored to introduce our black history heart shaped box. Inside you’ll find twenty eight scrumptious African-American heroes. One for each delicious day of thie important month.

Alex: [picking up one chocolate] Terry Tubman, babe.

Sasheer: [not happy] Okay.

Female voice: Because a deep rich culture deserves a deep, rich chocolate.

[Cut to Alec giving Leslie a box of chocolate]

Leslie: Oh, I thought you forgot, baby.

Alec: About your struggle? Never.

Leslie: What?

[Leslie opens the box. Alec shows her his fist.]

Don’t do that!

Female voice: Each of these delectable black Americans is identified right on the box along with their indulgent flavor.

Leslie: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a cream?

[Cut to Alex and Sasheer]

Alex: [eating one chocolate] It’s peanut-butter. Wonder–

Sasheer: It’s George Washington.

Alex: George Washington Carver. Nailed it.

Female voice: From the fiery cayenne-infused caramel of Malcolm X to the airy marshmallow of Dizzy Gillespie.

[Cut to Leslie and Alec]

Leslie: Babe, they got a Bill clinton in here?

Female voice: Show her you love her and her culture, with Russell Stover’s black history heart-shaped box. Russell Stover, re we doing this right?

Pitch Meeting

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Alec Baldwin

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a meeting at Cheetos office]

Cecily: Thank you all so much for coming in today. There were so many amazing commercials at the Super Bowl this year. And we are really looking to step our game.

Alex: Yeah. we can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with for Cheetos.

Alec: Well, it’s an honor just to pitch.

Melissa: Yes, thank you for having us.

Cecily: Right. Well, whenever you’re ready, we will start with the team from Murphy and Kennedy.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: [speaking on mic] We open on a little immigrant girl. She’s dusty. She’s tired. She’s come a long way.

Aidy: She looks up and sees a wall. How will she get over it?

Alec: A boy appears at the top. He throws down a rope. The rope is made from American flags.

Aidy: The girl climbs the rope. She sees her new country for the first time, and she cries.

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

Cecily: Wow! I love that.

Alex: It’s important. It’s now. It’s Cheetos.

Cecily: Alright, A.K. Foster, you’re up.

[Kyle turns on music]

Kyle: Okay, so we open on a bunch of kids in the minivan.

Melissa: They’re roughhousing. They’re playing around.

Kyle: And their mom’s like, “Hey, what is going on back there?”

Melissa: And they’re like, “Just eating Cheetos, mom!”

Kyle: Cut to, Cheetos.

Cecily: [looking unimpressed] Hah! Okay.

Alex: I’m not really sure what the message of the ad is, but maybe–

Melissa: I think it’s like, “Eat Cheetos. They’re good.”

Cecily: Yeah, right. Okay. You know what? Let’s just hear another pitch from Murphy and Kennedy, maybe.

Aidy: Oh, absolutely.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on a Mexican person wearing a sombrero. He takes it off. Underneath is a Muslim woman.

Aidy: The Muslim woman takes off her hijab, underneath is a Jewish person.

Alec: The Jewish person takes off his yamika, underneath is a Cheeto.

Aidy: Hard cut, we are one.

Alec: Harder cut, Cheetos.

Cecily: God, I love that. You know what? But, I’m worried that feels more like a Twix commercial.

Alex: Yeah. I actually saw Excederin do something very similar.

Cecily: Yeah, okay. You know what? Let’s take another pitch from A.K. foster.

Melissa: Right. Okay.

[Kyle turns on music]

Open on a bunch of friends hanging out.

Kyle: Suddenly, Chester the cheetah skateboards in and is like, “How about some Cheetos?”

Melissa: The kids cheer. Cut to Cheetos.

Cecily: I’m sorry. I just– I so don’t recognize the world you’re describing.

Alec: This is so embarrassing, but we also had a Chester the cheetah idea.

Cecily: No, that’s okay. Go ahead.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on Chester the cheetah. He has gauze around his chest where his new breasts are.

Aidy: Chester now identifies as Danielle the cheetah.

Alec: One of her cheetah friends enter the room. She is scared she will be judged.

Aidy: But the friend cheetah looks at Danielle and she simply says, “You’re beautiful.”

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

[Cecily and Alex have tears in their eyes]

Cecily: [breaking voice] Wow! I am absolutely starving for a Cheeto right now.

Melissa: Wait, you like that?

Cecily: Yes. It shines a light on transgender issues.

Kyle: But it’s a cartoon cheetah. It just kind of feels like you’re using that issue to sell Cheetos.

Cecily: No! Not true. We care about that issue because there is a guy in our office whose son is transgender. Oh wait. [asking Alex] Is he trans or adopted?

Alex: Adopted.

Cecily: That’s right. Coz we don’t know anyone trans, right? And that is the problem.

Aidy: You know, we have one more pitch if there’s time.

Alex: By all means.

[music playing]

Alec: We open on real people. No actors, no make up, no lines, no lights, no props, no costumes, no cameras, no Cheetos. Hard cut.

Aidy: Cheetos!

[Cecily and Alex are clapping]

Cecily: I am– I am– I can’t. That’s incredible.

Kyle: Okay. Okay. I think we get it now. We know just what you’re looking for.

Melissa: Absolutely. [Kyle turns on music] We open on the Twin Towers.

Cecily and Alex: No! No!

Leslie Wants To Play Trump

Leslie Jones

Melania Trump… Cecily Storng

Vanessa Bayer

Lorne Michaels

[Starts with Leslie Jones walking in the streets]

Leslie narrating: For a long time, I never thought that this could be possibility.

[Cut to shooting for Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump]

Alec Baldwin: It’s a disaster. You look at Chicago. The bailiff knows what i”m talking about. You know..

[Cut to 1 and Bobby Moynihan talking off screen]

Leslie: Man! Alec is so good.

Bobby: The best, man! He has got so much material for the next four years.

Leslie: Do you really think he’s going to do this for next four years? Doesn’t he have other stuff to do?

Bobby: I’m not sure. But, I mean, who’s gonna replace him?

[Cut to screen “Leslie wants to play Trump”]

[Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie narrating: I never dreamed that I could play the president. But then Melissa played Spicer and I was like, “Yo! Why can’t I play Trump?” I knew I had to make this happen. [Leslie Jones is trying to learn how Donald Trump speaks and moves] So I studied everything him.

Leslie: Huge! Huge! Drain the swamp of tremendous Muslims.

Leslie narrating: It even started to affect my relationship.

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on Kyle Mooney’s laps. She is lookin at the laptop with headphones on.]

Kyle: Can we just have sex?

Leslie: Come on, Kyle! I have to practice this.

Kyle: Baby, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you don’t even look like Donald Trump. You’re too beautiful.

Leslie: Whatever. We already had sex like twice today. Get off me. Jeez.

Leslie narrating: But I just had to commit.

[Cut to the dressing room]

Melissa: Is this like a send up on his fragile masculinity?

Leslie: No.

Sasheer: Is it like a Hamilton thing where you’re making a comment on race and politics?

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She has orange hair and yellow eyebrows ]

Leslie: Nope, it’s about giving America what it wants.

Leslie narrating: Some people couldn’t see it.

Vanessa: A woman playing Trump? It’s an interesting idea, Leslie, but trust me, it will never fly.

Leslie narrating: Finally, it was the moment of truth.

Female voice: Leslie, you can go in now.

Leslie: Um, okay. [acting like Donald Trump] Lorne, baby. I have a huge idea, bigly.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: It’s not going to happen, Leslie.

Leslie: [disappointed] Alright. I mean, I understand. I understand. [looking at the cameraman] Fellas, hey, can I have a minute, please? [cameras off] [yelling] Don’t say no to me, Lorne! I’ll f* destroy this whole place! I’m so tired of this f* popcorn. Why the f* roses in here? People keep casting me as somebody who always yells. I’m trying to show you I got range. [Leslie is getting violent towards Lorne Michaels] I’m trying to show you something different.

[Cut to Leslie jones being pulled away by the security]

Leslie: I’m going. I’m going. [Vanessa Bayer is walking pass dressed like Donald Trump] Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing?

Vanessa: [acting like Donald Trump] I’m looking out for number one, baby!

Leslie: Man, that bitch is supposed to be my friend, man! Am I fired?

[Cut to Leslie walking out of the building, still dressed as Donald Trump]

[A limousine pulls over]

Melania Trump: Donald? Donald? Is that you?

Leslie: Melania? I mean, [acting like Donald Trump] yes, darling, it’s me.

Melania Trump: What are you doing out here in cold? Get in.

[Melania opens the door to limousine]

[Leslie Jones gets in the car and the car drives away]

Jake Tapper

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: And that will do it for us on ‘State of the Union’. As always, I’m Jake Tapper. Fareed Zakaria “GPS” is next.

Mike: And we’re out.

[bell ringing]

Jake Tapper: Alright, thanks everyone.

Mike: Hey, great show, man. And for what it’s worth, I think it was the right call not to let Kellyanne on today.

Jake Tapper: Thank you. I mean, the White House offered her. She just had too many credibility issues.

Mike: Yeah. I’m glad you drew the line.

Jake Tapper: Thanks. Well, have a good night, Mike.

Mike: Alright, man.

Jake Tapper: Back at it tomorrow.

Mike: Have a good night, Jake.

[Cut to Jake Tapper gettin in his apartment. As he is turning the lights on, Kellyanne Conway is in his kitchen.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hello, Jake. [Jake Tapper is shocked] Do you want a drink?

Jake Tapper: Jesus! Kellyanne, what the hell are you doing here?

Kellyanne Conway: I just want to be a part of the news, Jake.

Jake Tapper: And this is how you do it? By breaking into my apartment?

Kellyanne Conway: Well, what was I supposed to do? You weren’t answering my calls, you changed your number. I’m not going to be ignored, Jake!

Jake Tapper: You don’t get it, Kellyanne. You made up a massacre. We can’t have you on.

Kellyanne Conway: [flirting and getting close to Jake Tapper] But I miss the news. I want to get a mic. I want to feel that hot, black, mic pressed up against my skin. [trying to seduce Jake Tapper] Oh, is this the tie you wore on the news today? Smells like good news. Let me taste the news on your face.

[Kellyanne Conway licks Jake Tapper’s cheeks]

Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, no! We can’t have you on TV if you’re just going to keep lying!

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, fine. I’ll do something else. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a knife] I’ll do something really crazy. [Kellyanne Conway licks the knife] What if I do a free commercial for Ivanka’s shoes, life on air? Would you like that, baby?

Jake Tapper: What? No. That’s illegal.

Kellyanne Conway: So what? [Kellyanne Conway throws the knife and sticks it on the wall] It’s just a little ethics violation. Think of the clicks, Jake. Click, click, click. Don’t you see? I don’t do this for me. I do it for you. You need me. You need to press me.

Jake Tapper: No, I don’t.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, you do. You need to reach inside me and you need to pull out the truth.

Jake Tapper: You’re insane!

Kellyanne Conway: You’re a hunter, Jake! You know that the truth is? Your feet, you wanna chase it.

Jake Tapper: [yelling] Enough! It’s over, Kellyanne. You’re sick. You’re toxic. You are done.

Kellyanne Conway: We’ll see about that. If I can’t be on TV, I’ll go somewhere else. I’ll call Huff Po live.

Jake Tapper: No, you won’t. [Kellyanne Conway walks away and makes the phone call] No one watches that.

Female voice on phone: Hello, Huff Po live.

Kellyanne Conway: No. [Kellyanne Conway throws the phone away] [crying] Sorry, Jake. I just want to do my polls again.

[Jake Tapper walks to Kellyanne Conway and tries to comfort her. Suddenly Kellyanne Conway turns around and pulls a knife on Jake Tapper’s neck.]

Put me on the news, Jake!

Jake Tapper: Okay. Okay. I’ll text Fareed Zakaria. You can go on his show.

Kellyanne Conway: Fareed Zakaria? I have an office in the [bleep] White House.

Jake Tapper: Okay. What about Carol Stello?

Kellyanne Conway: Do I look like Kayliegh McEnany to you?

Jake Tapper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are you trying to f* me like I’m Kayliegh McEnany?

Jake Tapper: Okay! Okay! You can go on our show. Whatever you want. You win! Whatever you want!

[Kellyanne Conway leaves Jake Tapper]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, great. Thanks Jake.

Jake Tapper: [coughing] You’re a monster.

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no. I am just Kellyanne Conway and I always get my Kelly on con–

[Kellyanne Conway falls down out of the window]

[screaming] Ahh!

Jake Tapper: No! Kellyanne! Oh my god!

[Jake Tapper looks down the window. Kellyanne Conway opens her eyes, fixes her broken body herself and stand.]

Are you okay?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, I am fine, but I do only have three lives left. See you on the news. [winks]

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach: You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

Drill Sergeant

Drill Sergeant… Beck Bennett

Soldier Larson… Mikey Day

Colonel Larson… Alec Baldwin

Alex Moffat

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drill Sergeant preparing his soldiers for inspection]

Drill Sergeant: Big day, C Company. Colonel Larson is on base for inspections. so you maggots better look alive. That includes you, Larson. You think just because your dad is a colonel, you can get away with a bed corner like that?

Larson: No drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: You are damn, right, Larson. No one gets a free pass here. No matter who your daddy is. Do I make myself clear?

Soldiers: Yes, drill sergeant.

Drill Sergeant: Attention. [Colonel walks in] Colonel larson in the bunk.

Colonel: Well, the infamous C Company. There is a rumor going around that you are the sorriest, laziest group of recruits on the base and I started that rumor. Gizmo course time, horrendous target mark, and an attitude that stinks worse than the outhouse in a chili cookout. Chilly cook out on that, dammit? [yelling at Alex’s ears] Chilly cook out, I said! Not a single one of you is fit to be a soldier in my army. [to his son] God, you look so handsome in the uniform, son. I’m so proud of you.

Larson: Dad, stop.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, I apologize for the state of my recruits.

Colonel: Not your fault, sergeant! It’s theirs. [yelling] These sacks of dog crap came here to become lean, mean, fighting machines. But all I see is scared littler girls. Scared little girls. And no one, not one is a brave man. [to his son] Except you. You’re my brave little man.

Larson: Dad, I beg you to stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Now you maggots drop and do pushups until you puke blood, you hear me?

Soldier: Sir, yes sir!

[All the soldiers start their pushups]

One, two, three, four, five, six…

[Colonel is shaking a paper fan for his son]

Larson: I don’t need that .Dad stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Alright, on your feet. [Soldiers stand] You call them pushups? What’s wrong with you? You got a wand up your ass, Harry Potter?

Peter: Sir, no sir.

[Larson laughs]

Colonel: Who the hell just laughed? Well, well, well. A couple of jokers laughing it up. [to Alex] You two friends or something?

Alex: Sir, yes sir.

Colonel: So is making friends okay?

Alex: Yes, yes, sir.

Colonel: [asking about his son] He’s not doing his shy thing where he’s quiet in big groups?

Alex: Sir, no sir.

Colonel: Good.

Alex: He’s adjusting great.

Colonel: Fantastic. Now what was your time on the rope course, princess?

Alex: 2.13, sir.

Colonel: Pathetic. [walks to Peter] And you, four eyes, what is your marksmanship grades?

Peter: Satisfactory sir!

Colonel: Pitiful! Larson, I hear you have a birth date coming up and your mothe wants to know where you want to have your dinner!

Larson: Sir, cheesecake factory, sir!

Colonel: Excellent choice. Huge menu, something for everyone, well done, Larson. God, I can’t believe you’re turning 21, son. Remember that song they used to sing to you during bath time? Remember?

[singing] Don’t go peepee in the bathtub
coz peepee goes in the…

Larson: Potty.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, to teach them some discipline, I believe C Company should do double PT and train duty until further notice.

Colonel: That’s a start. But I don’t think any of these soft bodies could be like my father. [yelling] He was a real soldier. Something none of you maggots have a prayer of becoming. [to Larson] Even though you look exactly like him in that uniform. [sobbing]

Drill Sergeant: Um, yeah. So, C Company, take a lap around the base perimeter and think about if you really want to be here. Go! Go! Go! Go!

[The soldiers start jogging]

Colonel: Larson! Wait! My commanding officer wants to have a word with you.

Larson: Really?

Colonel: Yes. So look sharp. Aten-hut!

[Larson’s mother walks in]

Mother: Aw, my little baby looks so handsome.

Larson: Hey, om.

Colonel: And he made a friend.

Mother: Okay, hey, Mr. Popular.

Beyoncé’s Babies

Dr. Waxler… Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Babies… Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan

[Cut to a doctor confronting Beyoncé.]

Dr. Waxler: Let me just say, what an honor it is to be selected to deliver your twins. I’m Dr. Waxler and you of course are Beyoncé.

Beyoncé: Thank you.

Dr. Waxler: Um, can be honest? This is a big break for me. I haven’t hat a hit baby since Suri Cruise. Now, did our staff go over the birthing procedure?

Beyoncé: Yes, but I don’t need anything special.

Dr. Waxler: Of course. It’s all standard when the birthing commences, you won’t feel any pain. We have hired thsi woman to feel the pain for you.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: It is an honor.

[Aidy walks out]

Dr. Waxler: These babies are going to be beautiful. Now, let’s take a look inside your womb.

[Dr. Waxler starts using ultrasound scanning Beyoncé’s womb]

[Cut to inside Beyoncé’s womb. Tracy and Kenan are sitting on a couch wearing diapers. They have jewelry on their necks.]

Tracy: Damn, it is so nice in here.

Kenan: Yeah. It’s warm and cozy. I feel safe.

Tracy: It’s so spacious. There’s a recording studio in here. This place is special.

Kenan: Well, how do you know? You ain’t ever been anywhere else.

Tracy: I don’t know. I just feel like we’re different from other babies.

Kenan: Yeah, we different. You know who our mom is?

Tracy: No. But I think she’s important. When people meet her, they scream. So she is either a beautiful queen or a goblin.

Kenan: Yo, our mom is Beyoncé, man!

Tracy: Who’s that?

Kenan: Wow! I don’t even breathe yet and I know who Beyoncé is. Yo, she is the Queen Bee.

Tracy: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Oh, she’s drinking some lemonade.

Tracy and Kenan: Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Yo, I gotta get out of here. Come on, let me out. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Beyoncé: Oh! Do you feel that?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, that one’s strong.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Let me try that. Let me try that. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: [feeling the kick] Now, that one is not an athlete but he will be hilarious.

Beyoncé: Are they okay?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, yes. Your babies are both healthy. it might be too early to tell, but I think these babies came to slay.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: I just feel like I’m more like my dad’s kid. You know? Hard.

Tracy: Yeah. I’m definitely my mom’s kid because I am pure sex. I’m gonna be the first person ever who’s gonna get somebody pregnant while they’re inside somebody pregnant.

I’m old school. I don’t pull out. What do you think your name’s gonna be?

Kenan: You know, I thought a lot about it. Probably Jade Rain.

Tracy: I think I’m gonna be something class like Lord Burbury.

Kenan: Either way, our life is going to be dope, man.

Tracy and Kenan: [hooting] Our mama! Our mama! Our mama!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Wow, they really are active. Do you wanna see a picture?

Beyoncé: Absolutely.

Dr. Waxler: Here they are.

[Cut to the computer screen. There are two babies babies with the heads of Kenan Thompson and Tracy Morgan.]

Beyoncé: They’re exactly what I hoped.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Let me out! I’m coming!

Tracy: Yo, chill, man! Don’t be in such a rush to leave. It will be another 16 years before I’m in something like this.

Kenan: You know, I just don’t wanna make my mama mad, man. She’s having a hard enough time carrying us as it is.

Tracy: Oh, no. She is not. I heard she carried two full grown ladies for ten years named Michelle and Kelly.

Kenan: Oh! Burn!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Oh, I just lost the picture. It appears the babies are throwing some major shade in there.

Beyoncé: It’s alright, doctor. I got this.

[singing] I got my babies so sleepy right now,
my boys I got my babies so sleepy right now

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Damn! I’m getting sleepy right now.

Kenan: [acting sleepy] Yo, we gotta perk up. Why are you letting her do this to us?

Tracy: I can’t help it, dog! It’s too lovely. Our mother is a singular talent. Night-night.

Kenan: Yeah. [yawning] She got me too. Night-night.

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: They finally calmed down. That song was wonderfully soothing. Can I hear it again.

Beyoncé: Oh, absolutely. Here’s the remix.

[Beyoncé takes her phone and plays the song]

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan jumping and partying]

Tracy: Damn, this is hot!

Kenan: We partying all night!

[The End]