Category: 2022

Short Ass Movies

Pete Davidson

Gunna

Chris Redd

Simon Rex

[Starts with Pete Davidson browsing movies on his TV]

Pete: These days, when I wanna sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there’s only one kinda movie I’m always looking for.

[rapping] And that’s a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like, at most, an hour-forty
Gimme that short-ass movie

Gunna: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause you know I ain’t gon’ sit here
And watch no long-ass movie

Pete: Found a flick, I’m ’bout to pick it
But right before I click it
I look down right below the line
And that’s when I see the runtime
Three hours forty-seven minutes?
Bro, you must be crazy
No thanks, I’mma watch a short-ass movie
like Driving Miss Daisy

Gunna: I’m not pushin’ “P” unless it’s under two hours
Like Lion King or Bad Moms or all three Austin Powers

Pete: I heard that Batman was great, so went to a theater and saw it
I pissed my pants twice, that s— was longer than The Hobbit

Gimme that short-ass movie
A 90-minute movie

Gunna: Like Liar Liar, Evil Dead,
Punch-Drunk Love, or Eraserhead

Pete: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause I’m a simple man
With no attention span

Chris: Gimme a short-ass movie like Bambi
Got to be tiny but good like shrimp scampi

Pete: And when it’s movie night, you won’t be gettin’ any yesses
If you roll up to the crib with one of them double VHSs

Gunna: Why this movie look like a book?

[Pete Davidson throws out the movie]
Pete: Bye bye!

Gunna: I always keep it a hundred
Keep the runtime under a hundred

Chris: If my ass stuck on the couch for more than two hours
It cause me discomfort

Pete: We tried to watch the movie Heat
When we was hanging at my house
But barely 20 minutes in
My boys were drooling on the couch

The only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie

James: [watching the movie] I stand by my choice.

Pete: Gimme that short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like Encino Man, yes please
Or Good Time by the Safdies
A short- ass movie
A really short movie
If it’s long, my eyes get glassy
Now tell ’em how it is, Dirt Nasty

Simon Rex: Yo, it’s your boy Dirt
If you really like short movies
I got nine great ones just waitin’ for ya
There’s Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Saves Christmas
And Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Scared Stupid
There’s Ernest Goes to School, that’s only 89 minutes
And Slam Dunk Ernest

Pete: That one’s got Kareem in it

Simon Rex: There’s Ernest in the Army, made me wanna join the service
And Ernest Goes to Africa

Pete: That poster makes me nervous

Simon Rex: But the greatest thing of all, a true thing of beauty
Is the three minute short before every Pixar movie
[Everyone sobbing]
Chris: It was so short but so sad.

Pete: Yo, so think about this: Sex and the City 2 was two hours and 26 minutes long. To put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was two hours and seven minutes long. That was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how DNA works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sex and the City 2 , y’know, which was a movie about four women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything, I’m just saying that’s crazy s—, right?

Simon Rex: How long was “The King of Staten Island”?

Pete: Oh. It was, it was, like, two hours and 17 minutes, but we needed, we needed all those minutes.

All: Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Every night

Shop TV

Dot… Cecily Strong

Rhett… Mikey Day

Thomas Parker-Nubbs… Alex Moffat

Kevin Lickitt… Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with Dot and Rhett in their set]

Dot: Hello, hello, ShopTV home shoppers. Dot and Rhett back live with y’all.

Rhett: Dot and Rhett? I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.

Dot: Are you gonna  be a pill all hour?

Rhett: Maybe.

Dot: Okay, well, it’s 5pm which means it’s time for a squeal deals. [scary squeal sound] O’Dale! We asked y’all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago!

Rhett: Yeah, sounds like someone’s getting killed O’Dale.

Dot: Chillin, O’Dale!

Rhett: Need something light? Okay. Later in the hour. We love him. Here, Thomas Parker-Nubbs will unveil his new line of Christian lunchboxes.

[Cut to Thomas Parker-Nubbs]

Thomas Parker-Nubbs: The artwork features Jesus do and modern young person things. Oh, well, look at that. Is that Jesus got one of those Oculus VR do-dads?

Dot: Oh, kids are gonna flip.

[Cut back to Dot and Rhett. Now, Kevin Lickitt is with them with a doll.]

Rhett: Yeah, well, speaking of kids, our first squeal deal today is an adorable doll.

Dot: Was she gorgeous? And we have the designer here, Mr. Kevin. Now is it Lickitt?

Kevin Lickitt: Yes sir. My mamma always said we was named Lickitt because we so sweet.

Rhett: Aw, that’s adorable. Kind of made me sad though for some reason. I don’t know why. Now, tell us about this pretty lady here.

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, this is Riley Rainbowlocks.

Dot: Get out. What a clever name.

Kevin Lickitt: Student by day and magical Popstar by night.

Dot: Oh, I love that.

Rhett: Perfect role model for little girls.

Dot: Or little boys. We’ll get in trouble if we don’t say that.

Kevin Lickitt: And here’s the best part. Your child can cut and style rallies rainbow locks however they wish. And when they want to give her a new-do, you just turn this little knob here in the back and our hair grows.

Rhett: Oh, wow.

Dot: Get out of town, that’s amazing.

Rhett: Now you can get this pretty lady for just $34.99.

Dot: Order within the hour and you get an additional outfit and two extra hair spools for free.

Rhett: Looks like shoppers are already scooping her up. Let’s go to the ShopTV phone lines. Hi caller.

Caller: Oh, my niece is going to love this doll. What extra outfit does she come with?

Kevin Lickitt: I’ll show you. By the way, Riley’s very easy to change. It’s all Velcro. Watch this here.

Rhett: Let’s change.

[Kevin Lickitt pulls out the doll’s dress. Her pubic part is also covered with rainbow hair.]

Caller: The hell! Why does that doll have a rainbow bush?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, no, no, no, that’s not a bush.

Caller: It sure looks like one to me. That’s a 1970s rainbow bush.

Kevin Lickitt: It’s not. That’s the end of the head spool inside through it. So you can see the span. It’s an anchor point. Any doll maker would know that.

Caller: Well, I’m not a doll maker so what I see is a thick ass vagi-afro. I will be canceling my order. Goodbye.

Kevin Lickitt: I didn’t make a vagi-afro.

Rhett: Y’all don’t need to keep saying that. Don’t keep saying vagi-afro.

Kevin Lickitt: You need it so the spool spins and the hair on the head will grow. It’s doll making Dot0Dot.

Rhett: Okay. Well, if you’re just joining us, this is not private hair.

Dot: It anchors the spool inside.

Rhett: Okay. O’Dale, we got a product image? Yeah, there you go. Throw that up while we put Riley’s outfit on.

Dot: You get Riley rainbow blocks for the ShopTV exclusive price of just $34.99.

Kevin Lickitt: And look who’s all dressed up and ready to hit the beach. [The doll is wearing a swimsuit, and the rainbow hair at pubic part is still showing] Riley is ready for summer with this retro one piece swimsuit.

Dot: You know what?

Rhett: Kevin, I’m gonna try and stick in some of this business.

Dot: No, do not do that. Stop it.

Rhett: It’s sticking in.

Dot: I know. But a grown man poking his fingers around the area.

Rhett: Well, he said the doll’s in college. It doesn’t matter.

Dot: It don’t matter she’s in college. You know what? Come on. Let’s cut away from this close, O’Dale! Well, okay. Let’s talk to some people who ordered a Riley Rainbowlocks.

Rhett: Caller, you’re on ShopTV.

Caller: This is a collect call from a federal corrections facility. Press one to accept this call from the Palmdale pervert.

Rhett: Hang up, O’Dale.

Dot: No, thank you. No, we do not accept that call.

Rhett: It is an icky icky call. In fact you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and put the other Riley we got here. Back up one with clothes on. Now Kevin, tell us what happens if rally runs out of hair from the spool inside. Can it be replaced?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh, it sure can. It’s very easy. Sometimes part replacement can be a little hairy.

Dot: Okay, look at you making little jokes.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah. So you just push the quick release button here on the back to access it. [he bends over the doll and shows the hair on the doll’s butt.]

Rhett: Okay, now that’s kind of a yucky place to go to.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah, it had to go here because it has to connect to the panel. Any doll maker would know that.

Dot: You keep saying that as if we’re all doll makers but we’re not, sweetie. You’re finished in there?

Kevin Lickitt: Sorry, the button’s stuck. Sometimes you just gotta wiggle it.

Rhett: Oh, pretty face is facing the camera. Let’s check those sale numbers. Item sold. [units sold has crossed fivethousand.] Oh my god. These are selling like hotcakes right now.

Kevin Lickitt: Sometimes it helps if you release the latch and pull the head at the same time.

Dot: No, no, no.

Rhett: Why would you? We can’t show that!

Dot: Oh no. We’re moving on.

Rhett: Come on, man.

Dot: After the break our next ShopTV squeal deal. [girl scream squeal sound]

Rhett: That’s a worse sound effect O’Dale.

Seat Fillers

Will Smith… Chris Redd

Jerrod Carmichael

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the Oscars intro]

[Cut to Will Smith sitting on a sofa. Jerrod walks to his seat behind Will Smith.]

Jerrod: Oh, no way. Will Smith? Excuse me, Mr. Smith. I know I’m not supposed to talk to you. I’m just the seat filler, but I wanted to say I am a huge fan man.

Will Smith: Thank you, man. That means a lot. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: I love all your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son.

Will Smith: I love that. That’s what it’s all about. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: No joke. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is still my ringtone to this day.

Will Smith: Ha-ha. That’s hilarious.

Jerrod: Hey, I don’t want to sound corny, but you’re like my hero. Man. This is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I’m talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. Hey, can I get a selfie real quick?

Will Smith: Of course, yeah.

Chris Rock: Jada, I love you. GI Jane II, can’t wait to see it.

[Jerrod is trying to take a selfie with Will Smith]

Will Smith: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ay, I’ll be right back, man.

[Will Smith walks to the stage. Jerrod is just looking at him. When there’s a smacking sound, Jerrod is shocked.]

[Will Smith walks back and takes the seat]

Will Smith: Ay, so where are you from, man?

[Jerrod is creeped out.]

Jerrod: Nowhere man.

Will Smith: I like your tux, man. By the way, look good feel good, am I right? Ha-ha. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] Man, I love the Oscars, man. I love movies, man. I just saw Padding II. Honestly, best movie I ever see. I love that little bear man. One second. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] So, how about that selfie, man? Come on.

Jerrod: Nah, that’s okay.

Will Smith: Ah, come on, man. Let’s do it.

Jerrod: No, I deleted my phone.

Will Smith: Alright. Well, enjoy the show, man.

[Kyle walks back to his seat next to Jerrod]

Kyle: Bathroom like is crazy. What did I miss? Oh my god, we’re right next to Will Smith? I’m gonna tweet this. And he is trending. [reads the tweets] Oh my god.

Will Smith: [talking to Kyle] Hey, nice to meet you man. I’m Will. What’s your name?

Kyle: I don’t– They didn’t give me one.

Will Smith: Oh, that’s weird. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Amy Schumer is being hilarious, right? Ay, who is your favorite comedian?

Jerrod: Chris– No one.

Will Smith: What?

Jerrod: I don’t think anything is funny.

Will Smith: [pointing at Kyle] What about you? Favorite comedian, man?

Kyle: Dori?

Will Smith: Who?

Kyle: Finding Dori.

Will Smith: Your favorite comedian is Finding Dori? Well, she is a funny fish, man. [yelling] Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.

Kyle: Okay.

Will Smith: I’m gonna say that in my speech, man.

Jerrod: Okay.

Will Smith: Okay, what else should I say?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: What was that?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: That’s good. I’ma use that. I’ma credit you.

Kyle: Please don’t.

Will Smith: Man, the last couple of years have been crazy. You know? With covid, zoom, [cracking voice] the red table talk. Y’all ever see the red table talk?

Jerrod: Nah, I’ve never heard of it.

Kyle: I haven’t seen anything.

[Jerrod’s phone rings. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is actually his ringtone.]

Will Smith: Ay! Don’t answer that, man. Let it ring. Everything is normal, y’all. [dancing]

Scattering Remains

Kyle Mooney

Mr. Klein… James Austin Johnson

Jerrod Carmichael

Andrew Dismukes

Mrs. Klein… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults mourning by the sea shore]

Kyle: Can’t believe he’s really gone.

Mr. Klein: He isn’t gone, son. Pop Pop will always live on inside of all of us.

Jerrod: That’s beautiful.

Andrew: Well said sir.

Mrs. Klein: Well, sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye?

Mr. Klein: Yeah. But first I want to share something with you guys. You know this spot was where Pop Pop would take me off to my ballgames. Believe it or not, I wasn’t much of an athlete. [giggling] Okay, okay. Ha-ha. But Pop Pop would take me here. He pointed out to the sea and say “Son, life is like the tide. There’s highs and lows, but eventually it all washes away.” Gonna miss you dad.

Jerrod: Wow. It’s a beautiful story, Mr. Klein. Thank you for sharing.

Andrew: And thank all of you for allowing us at Boudreau’s Mortuary to be a part of this moment with you.

Jerrod: Now, if you’re ready, please bow your heads as we scattered the remains.

[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein bow their heads. Jerrod and Andrew carry the body on a wooden plank and throws the body to the sea.]

Mrs. Klein: Oh my god!

Mr. Klein: No! Oh god, no.

Andrew: These moments are always so hard. We’ll give you folks some space.

Mr. Klein: What? How did you just do?

Jerrod: We said goodbye to Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: He was supposed to be cremated?

Jerrod: Who was?

Mr. Klein: My father? He was supposed to be cremated. Not chunked off a cliff.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: Umm-hmm.

Andrew: Okay. So that was not related to us.

Jerrod: Yeah. But in a way, wasn’t this kind of better?

Andrew: Oh, speak on that.

Jerrod: Well, you got the body aspect of a burial but we still got to throw him.

Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, I liked that. Well, [pulls out the bill] time for the dreaded check. Who’s the boss around here? [pointing at Kyle] You I assume? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Just kidding, sport. Maybe some–

Kyle: [yelling] Do not touch me, man.

Andrew: Absolutely, sir. Whenever you’re ready. [passing the bill to Mr. Klein]

Mr. Klein: We’re not gonna pay for this.

Jerrod: Mm.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: May I ask why?

Mrs. Klein: You threw my father in law of a cliff?

Jerrod: Okay, see, I thought we resolved that.

Mr. Klein: No, we did not.

Mrs. Klein: Honey, calm down. Your condition.

Andrew: Okay, you know what? I feel like you guys are mad. So how about I just go get him?

[Andrew jumps off the cliff]

[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein are shocked. Jerrod walks up to them.]

Jerrod: So what you guys got cooking up this weekend?

Mr. Klein: I really don’t want to talk about that.

[Jerrod pulls out an urn]

Mrs. Klein: Why don’t you bring an urn?

Jerrod: Oh, this? This isn’t an urn. It’s soup.

Mrs. Klein: You keep soup and an urn?

Jerrod: No, no, it’s a thermos. It looks like an urn. I got it at a morticians conference.

Andrew: [from down] I got him.

Jerrod: All right. Good job, man.

Andrew: What are you guys talking about?

Jerrod: They’re just asking about the urn.

Andrew: Oh, the thermos? Pretty good. Pretty cool, right?

Mr. Klein: No, it’s not cool. Jesus. Just get the body back.

Andrew: No worries. So I got pop pop right here.

Kyle: [looking down] That isn’t Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: That’s clearly a young cyclist. He’s wearing those little shoes.

Andrew: Umm. Mm-hmm. Okay. And that’s a deal breaker for you guys?

Mr. Klein: Yes.

Andrew: Alright. I’ll just put them back. [throws the body down again] So hey, you think I can get some of that soup?

Jerrod: Oh, hell yeah. Heads up. It’s shrimp bisque. [throws the thermos down]

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.

Jerrod Carmichael Monologue

Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jerrod Carmichael.

[Jerrod Carmichael walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jerrod Carmichael: Thank you Thank you very, very much. I’m not going to talk about it. I want to be clear. Up top. I talked about it enough. Kept talking about it. Kept thinking about it. I don’t want to talk about it. And you can’t make me talk about it. But I got a question. Do you want to talk about it? Like, aren’t you sick of talking about it? Isn’t that kind of crazy? It feels like we’ve been talking about it for so long. I have. This is going to really blow your minds. Can you believe it’s been six days? Six days. This happened a week ago. Then it feels like it happened years ago. Doesn’t it feel like it happened when we were all in high school? Like it feels like it happened somewhere between Jamiroquai and 9/11. Like somewhere a long, long time ago. Feels like we’ve been living in the wake of it our entire lives.

It happened on Sunday. On Sunday. It’s Saturday, bro. On Monday, it was exciting. I’m not gonna lie. Monday, if this were Monday, you wouldn’t be able to get me to shut up about it. I was talking about it all Monday. Tuesday, I’m still talking about it. A little less exciting, because it stopped being about it. By Tuesday, it started being about a lot of proxy arguments and hair and black men and white people on Twitter. It was just too much by Tuesday. By Wednesday, I wanted to kill myself. I don’t really remember Thursday, but by Friday, I made a vow to myself. I promised myself I would never ever talk about it again.

Then Lorne came into my dressing room. He was like, “I think you need to talk about it.” He said the nation needs to heal. Turn your back on me Lorne. Nation needs to heal. I said, “The nation needs to what? Do you want me to do that?” The nation don’t even know me. The nation has no clue who I am. I have to be the least famous host in SNL. Like, the least. I was excited to come here–

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Just know those claps did nothing for my self esteem. I don’t know what you thought you were doing. Was it making it better? Were you make it better? I was happy. I was actually really happy to come here and talk to you guys and introduce myself. I’m Jerrod Carmichael, by the way. Hi, everyone. Hello.

[cheers and applause]

I have a new special out on HBO. It’s called “By family”. I really hope that you watch. In this special I come out as gay. Which is nice but unexpected response in New York. It’s actually why I live here. If you say you’re gay in New York, you can ride the bus for free and people just give you pizza. Honestly, if you’re gay and you’re in New York, you get to host Saturday Night Live. This is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Like, I came out right onto the stage. I basically came out. We’re basically like, Andy Warhol fever dream right now. Heal the nation. I’ve been gay for like 48 hours, bro. Like, there’s so much gay stuff I got to do where I can heal the nation. I have so many homophobic cousins. I can’t even heal my family. I’m gonna heal the nation? I was excited. I was excited to be here. I had a lot of things planned. Stuff I want to talk about. Actually really, one– We got time. Really quick. I don’t know how often I’m ever going to be on live TV. And I know I’ll never get to talk to him. So I have to do this. Barack Obama, you want to meet me to camera two really fast. Hey B, what’s going on, man? You don’t know me, I’m Jerrod. Nice to meet you. So real quick, you just chillin right now? You’re just not working? You just writing books? Which is nice. I bought the last one but it’s like 900 pages. Anyway, you got us all hopped up on hope and change. And unfortunately, I have some news for you Barack. You’re not going to like this. We need you back because I think you’re gonna have to talk about it. The nation needs to heal. We have a great show tonight. You excited? Gunna is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

Angelo Wedding

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Bride… Cecily Strong

Groom… Alex Moffat

Meg… Sarah Sherman

Jake… Jerrod Carmichael

[stars with an announcer announcing the performer]

Announcer: Next up, we have a special treat, as a gift from the bride’s parents, they have booked her favorite artist, I can’t believeI get to say this. Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Cheers and applause]

[Angelo is sitting on a chair alone on a spotlight.]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Happy wedding. For all days.

[The bride is excited about the performer.]

Bride: Yes! Oh, my God, Angelo! He’s actually here!

Groom: Wait, what is this? Who’s Angelo?

Bride: He’s just my all time favorite. Angelo does covers of, like, any song you want and re-imagines it in the most beautiful and honestly enlightening way. Okay, shh. No, he’s starting.

Angelo: Love for this today in air. Always. Can I get one suggest?

Bride: Stevie, give him a song to play.

Groom: What? Oh, sweet. OK, uh, how about “Brown-Eyed Girl?”

Angelo: ♪S-Say, say it for me?

Groom: Yeah, uh, Brown-Eyed Girl.

[Now, Angelo is lying on the chair.]

Angelo: S-say it for me?

Groom: Brown-Eyed Girl.

Angelo: Brow for Ba-fa-ra-bas [gibberish].

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

Then I don’t like that

If I ever see it like this for me

Tonight

Thank you for this.

Bride: I mean… Okay, can you believe that? Angelo, bringing the house down at my wedding.

Groom: Oh, yeah. That didn’t sound like “Brown-Eyed Girl” though.

Bride: OK, oh, good one, sweetheart.

Angelo: I — Water for this — [clears throat]

[A weird looking girl walks to him with a glass of water]

Groom: Who is that?

Bride: What? That’s his assistant, Meg. She’s a billionaire.

[Meg is sprinkling water to Angelo with her fingers and Angelo is trying to get water using his tongue.]

Angelo: Another song for this to play.

Bride: Yes! Come on, Steve, do it, sweetheart. Let’s do something fun.

Groom: Okay, um, I guess Prince. Let’s do “1999”.

Angelo: Say for me?

Groom: Come on, man. “1999.”

Angelo: “2002.”

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

[Melodic gibberish]

If I ever see that for me, like this

tonight 

Thank you for this.

Bride: Oh, my God. God. Even, like, most people won’t even attempt to do a Prince cover.

Groom: Yeah, I’m not sure he did.

Angelo: Now because love and special for tonight, I bring drum here.

[5 walks in with a set of drum.]

Bride: No! Oh, my God, no — no way!

Groom: What? Who is that?

Bride: That’s Jake, the Pride of Ghana. He’s what vulture called “why the world fell in love with drums again.”

Groom: Jake? Why do they have such boring names.

Bride: Oh, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them, Steve?

Jake: For drums, I need song.

Angelo: For party, one suggest.

Groom: What is happening?

Bride: I’m sorry, do you even hear yourself? I’m sorry they’re not Bon Jovi, you ignorant himbo.

Groom: Himbo?! Okay. I’ll give them a song to play. “At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: S-Say for us?

“At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: [gibberish]

Angelo: Drums for this.

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: No, no, no, two drum hits? Bum-bum? Why is that good?

Bride: Bum-bum. Bum-bum, moron! It’s a heartbeat. The heartbeat of the people of Ghana.

Bride: What?

Jake: Another song for one.

Angelo: Yes. Do it for this.

Groom: Okay, you know what? I’ve obviously ruined everything, so let me try to make it up to you, okay, babe? Uh, it’s the song that we heard the night that we met. How about “I Got a Feeling?”

Jake: “I Got a Feeling.”

Angelo: Black-Eyed Pea-Pea.

Groom: Whoa, alright.

Angelo: [singing] I got a feeling

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Toooooooonight

Jake: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: Wow. Alright, that’s incredible. I get it now. I get it! Yeah.

Zoë Kravitz Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Zoë Kravitz.

[Zoë Kravitz walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Zoë Kravitz: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so fantastic to be here. I’m your host Zoë Kravitz. I currently have a new movie out called “The Batman”. In the movie I play Cat Woman. Sorry, The Cat Woman. To prepare for the role. I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker.

[Kate McKinnon walks in wearing the old Cat Woman outfit.]

Kate: So, are you talking about cats?

Zoë Kravitz: I was. I was just doing my monologue. You’re also Catwoman?

Kate: Yes. I’m Cat Woman from the 90s. The one with the whip. You know, like cats have. So you’re part of a proud lineage of Cat Woman, each with their own origin story. Do you want to know mine?

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, yeah. What’s your’s?

Kate: Okay. I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. They licked me back to life. And now I just like Sandy from a porno version of Greece. It’s still cold, Greece.

Zoë Kravitz: Cool. Well, thank you. It’s great to have some fellow Cat Woman support. I should probably get back to the–

Kate: No, hang on. We have to fire up the cat signal.

Zoë Kravitz: I’m sorry, cat signal.

Kate: Yeah. For anytime you need a Cat Woman. Behold.

[Kate turns on the cat signal like the bat signal of Batman up in the sky]

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, I love that it’s a noble cat ready to pounce off the ledge.

Kate: Or it’s doing its business in the litter box.

[Ego Nwodim walks in wearing another Cat Woman outfit]

Ego: Hello. I saw the signal. Is someone in danger?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, yeah. You’re Cat Woman too?

Ego: Intuitively, I was the first black Cat Woman.

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, right? Yes. Eartha Kitt from the 1960s TV version.

Ego: Yet people called it can’t be turned out, it was just super gay.

Kate: And be glad your outfit isn’t latex because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready?

[When Kate moves, her outfit makes squeaking sound.]

Zoë Kravitz: Wow. You know it actually does feel really nice having all this Cat Woman energy up here but I should really get back to the monologue. So can we turn this cat signal off before–

[Aidy Bryant walks in wearing casual outfit but with a cart full of cats]

Aidy: Before me? Hell no.

Zoë Kravitz: Another Cat woman.

Aidy: Yeah, more of a cat lady I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry cat. And we’re here to meet Rosalia. Do you take me to her? How does that work?

Zoë Kravitz: I don’t think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.

Aidy: Oh yeah, sure I get it. You know, I’ve hosted the show dozens of times, in my mind where it’s called Saturday Night cats.

Zoë Kravitz: Not Caturday Night Live?

Aidy: Dang it. Okay, wow, I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. And not that I don’t love it but maybe that’s enough.

Ego: Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh my god, is she here?

Chris: No. But it’s me. It’s I, Katt Williams.

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, come on. You’re not even a woman.

Chris: I am a lover of women. Meow. And if I wanted to meet Rosalia, how would i–

Zoë Kravitz: Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?

Aidy: Oh, but the cat signal brought us all together.

Ego: And right now the world needs as many Cat Women…

Chris: and Williams’s.

Ego: …as it can get.

Kate: Now let’s go fight some crime.

Zoë Kravitz: Okay, it looks like that’s done. So I can finally say what I’ve been trying to say. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.