Tag: Cecily Strong

Reality Stars

Bart… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Tina… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Will Farrell

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]

Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?

Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.

Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.

Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.

Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.

[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]

Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.

Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.

Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.

[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]

Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.

[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]

Bart: Oh, you meant that.

Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my  .

Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.

Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.

Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?

Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.

Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.

Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.

Kate: Oh, wow.

Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.

Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?

Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.

Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.

Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.

Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.

Cecily and Will: Aww.

Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?

Cecily and Will: No.

Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.

Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.

Will: So grounded.

Cecily: Being back here, right?

Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?

Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?

Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?

Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.

Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.

Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.

[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]

Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action!

[Kate and Tina sit down.]

Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.

Tina: What?

Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.

Tina: Excuse me?

Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.

Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.

Will: Yeah, Tina.

Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.

Will: Exactly, Tina.

Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.

Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.

Mikey: What is happening?

Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.

Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?

Tina: I didn’t know.

Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.

Mikey: It’s chicken.

Will: Bart, what is this?

Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.

Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.

Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.

Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.

Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.

Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?

Will: Oh, yes, please.

Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?

Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.

Office Breakroom

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Jason… Will Farrell

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[starts with office colleagues getting lunch]

Cecily: Oh, I know. It’s impossible to find any vegan food in this town.

Chris: Ah! But who wants to be vegan in the south with all that delicious fried food?

Jason: Guys, time out. I have a story about the south and it’s foods. Um, gosh. How do I start this? Um, I’ll just dive right in. So, I’m taking a road trip and we stop at a Crate and Barrel. And I tell the waitress, “Hey, I’m on a diet. Is there anything in the menu you’d suggest?” And she’s like, “Sugar pie, you’re in Crate and Barrel. Even our menus have butter all over them.”

Alex: Um, Jason, I think you mean Cracker Barrel. Not Crate and Barrel.

Jason: What are you saying?

Heidi: Yeah. I was also confused. I think you meant Cracker Barrel, the kind of country restaurant.

Chris: Yeah. Not Crate and Barrel, the fine sort of upper middle range furniture place.

Jason: Oh, okay.

Cecily: Yeah. Like, if you walk into a Crate and Barrel and ask for a biscuit, they’ll be like, “We don’t have that but we have ottomans.”

[everybody laughing]

Jason: I said, okay! I made a mistake. I walked into a restaurant. It had crates and barrels for their decor. Some shovels here and there. Some little signs saying quint little things. But predominantly, barrels and crates. So maybe we can let it go.

Cecily: Yeah. Um, oh, anyway, I saw the new Jumanji. They go into a video game.

Alex: Yeah. I liked it when it was a board game.

Jason: I’m not from the south, okay? Or from a Crate and Barrel kind of place. So, forgive me for making an honest mistake about something that clearly means a lot to all of you. I’m still figuring everything out.

Heidi: Jason, let it go.

Jason: You know what? You’re awful. All of you are awful.

Chris: Okay. Calm down, man.

Jason: This office is so clicky.

Chris: We- we have moved on, Jason.

Jason: [to Chris] You brought a nasty, nasty prostitute to the holiday party.

Chris: Jason, that was my daughter.

Jason: Oh, okay. So now, you know what it feels like to make a mix up? Now, you can feel the deep shame I felt when I mixed up the two restaurants.

Chris: Okay. One is a restaurant and one is a furniture place. And I didn’t mix anything up. Okay?

Alex: Yeah. You really gotta drop this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Jason: Speaking of molehills, you don’t wear condoms.

Heidi: Jason, you don’t know that.

Jason: I’ve seen it.

Alex: You haven’t seen anything, man.

Jason: Okay. But now you know what I’m going through.

Heidi: Wait, what? No, you can’t compare mixing up Crate and Barrel with Crackle Barrel for him being sexually reckless.

Alex: What? Ay! It’s not reckless if everyone involved is cool with it, right?

Heidi: Um, okay. This is silly. Let’s just get back to work and forget.

Jason: I quit!

Cecily: This is your company. You’re our boss. You can’t quit.

Jason: Yes, I can. I’m quitting. And I’m taking all of my pens. All of them. And I’m leaving like an idiot. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Here I go. Dummy off to have a big southern meal at Cracker Barrel because I’m so stupid. I don’t even know that Cracker Barrel actually sells nicely designed furnishings for modern interiors.

Chris: Oh, Jason, you’re talking about Crate and Barrel.

Jason: Wait, what?

Cecily: You just– you did it again.

Jason: Really? Well, guess what. You’re never gonna find your birth parents.

Cecily: I’m not adopted. I know who my parents are.

Jason: Well, all I’ll say is that, you know, life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of. I won’t be back. Alright? P.S., not coming back. I’m off to find a new life without ridicule. Goodbye. And I’m taking this. [Jason carries the jar of drinking water. He’s spilling water all over the place.] I paid for the water. Geez. What a day? What a great day.

Alex: Man, what the hell is wrong with him?

[Jason is looking at them from behind]

Cecily: I don’ know. You know, I don’t even know why I’m married to him. But he’s my husband and I love him.

Fighter Pilots

Wild Card… Mikey Day

Side Winder… Beck Bennett

Viper… Chris Redd

Clown Penis… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of four fighter planes flying somewhere over the South China sea]

[Cut to Wild Card flying a plane]

Wild Card: Morning, pilots. This is squad leader. We’re about twenty minutes out from the Korean Peninsula. Since we were all scrambled from different bases, go ahead and introduce yourself. I’m Wild Card.

[Cut to Side Winder flying a plane]

Side Winder: Side Winder.

[Cut to Viper flying a plane]

Viper: Viper.

[Cut to Clown Penis flying a plane]

Clown Penis: Clown Penis.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Pilot, you got a little static there. Um, mind repeating that call sign again?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Sure thing. Clown Penis. Clown like, the circus. Penis like, your penis. Lovely day to fly, huh, boys? Clown Penis, over and out.

[Cut to Cecliy in the ground control office listening to the conversation]

Cecliy: Squad, this is Honolulu ground control. Com’s signals are a little spotty. So, we just wanna clarify a couple of things. One, are you guys saying ‘Clown Penis’? And two, why? Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hello, Honolulu. That is affirmative. You are hearing Clown Penis because I am Clown Penis. Over.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Copy. Is this some sort of pilot joke?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: A joke? Ma’am, a pilot’s call sign is very serious. When an enemy sees me on his tail, I want him to feel the fail the same way that you’d feel if a clown showed you his penis. Confused, unsettled and most of all, very, very scared. Rest to sure it, if you see a clown penis, me or an actual clown’s penis, this just ate your day. So, Honolulu, how do you feel about saying Clown Penis now?

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Still weird. Over and out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: I’ve heard worse call signs. Flew with a pilot in academy named ‘Mr. Pick Ass.’

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: You might want to change that to ‘Mr. Corny Ass.’

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hey, guys. Let’s watch our language over the calls please. We’re in the air force. Not the 7th grade. Clown Penis out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Okay. Let’s switch up to stealth formation. Confirm. New position. Over.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Right wing high.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Left wing low.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is upside down.]

Clown Penis: Unintentional upside down I don’t know how I did this. But it’s happening.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Whoa! Clown Penis, you need some help correcting that invert. Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: All good now. Just a little nine seconds of sheer abject terror. Won’t happen again, fellas. Sincerely, your pal, Clown Penis.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Okay, squad, we’re gonna run a pursuit drill here. Increase speed, decline to 50,000 ft. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: You heard her, boys. Engage afterburners.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Wo-hoo! This raft is a worth that price tag.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Side Winder to Wild Card. I don’t see Clown Penis information. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Clown Penis, what is your current position.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He’s now flying over the space.]

Clown Penis: Hard to tell. But looks like I’m where space starts. I have to bow out of this drill, boys. This may take a while to fix. Just saw a satellite. Yeah. And there go the arms. [Clown Penis starts floating inside his plane] Oh, I’m definitely in space, fellas. ON the bright side, can’t get worse than this.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Roger that, Clown Penis. Will alert ground at your situation.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is hanging upside down again.]

Clown Penis: Never mind, guys. It got worse.

[The End]

What Even Matters Anymore

Veronica Elders… Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with show’s intro]

Male voice: And now, it’s time to play “What Even Matters Anymore.” With your host, Veronica Elders

[Host walks in to the stage]

Host: Hello, folks. Welcome to “What Even Matters Anymore.” The show where I tell you something our president did or said and you have to tell me does it even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants

Contestants: Hi.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Great. First question. The president of the United States refers to African countries as Poo-poo holes. And says all Hasians have AIDS. Does it even matter anymore?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Um, that’s really bad. That has to matter. Yes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Umm, actually, it does not matter. Zero consequences and everyone just moves on. Next, the president has an extra marital affair with a pornstar right after his wife gives birth to his son. Then he pays the pornstar to shut up. Does it even matter to say he’s evangélico base?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, to evangélicos, of course it matters. It’s against everything that they stand for.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so, but no. They say he’s just repented and they forgive him. And Mike Pence is like, “That’s my dude.” Next, the president fires Robert Mueller, the very man investigating him for treason. Does it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: What? He hasn’t done that yet.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Yeah, but you know, he’s gonna. So, when he does, will it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: I’m gonna say yes, that would matter. That’s a clear line that he’d be crossing.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ooh! So, close. You were right that it would cross a line. But you were wrong to think that it would matter in the least. Republicans will just shake and mumble something about Hillary’s emails.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. But they have a conscience.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Judges, do they have a conscience?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, we checked and they don’t.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: I’m sorry. Is this still part of the game?

[Cut to the host]

Host: It doesn’t even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Are there like, points?

[Cut to the host]

Host: Next question. The president builds a wall but hires illegal immigrants to build it and he accidentally puts an unlocked door every 10 feet. Would that matter?

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Okay, I’m sensing a pattern here. So, I’m just gonna say it would not matter.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to the host. She looks shocked.]

Host: You’re absolutely right, Greg.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: It’s Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think Trump supporters would get mad. But then Trump blurs out, “Chuck Schumer did it,” and everyone believes him. They just believe him.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: But you know that’s not gonna happen, right?

[Cut to the host]

Host: [yelling frustrated] Does it even matter anymore? Fake news. Fake news.

[Cut to 4]

4: Are you okay?

[Cut to the host. She looks frustrated.]

Host: I’m great. Okay. You know what? On our final round, you guys just write down what you think would matter. What do you think would actually lead to any kind of consequences? 10 seconds on the clock. And while you’re writing, I’m just gonna drink.

[Host starts drinking wine off the bottle.]

Alright, what do you guys got?

[Cut to 4]

4: I wrote, “Trump punches pope.” I think that would be like really bad.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Argh. You think so? But a lot of people still hate Catholics. Next?

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Okay, I wrote, “Cancels Olympics because flags are gay.”

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ha-ha-ha. Are you kidding me? He’s his ratings will jump five points. Next.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, I wrote, “Sex tape with Don Jr.” I mean, that would check like, a lot of boxes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so? But FOX News would just report it as “He’s a family man.” Because nothing truly matters. None of it matters.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica?

[Cut to the host, very frustrated.]

Host: It’s Veronica. Veronica Elders.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica, you don’t have to do this.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Yeah. Jessica, we know you’re upset about the way our country’s going but you can’t just like, build a whole game show set and make us pretend to be contestants.

Male Contestant: Even though some of us relish the opportunity to become Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: I’m sorry, guys. It just seems like, nothing matters anymore.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Yeah, we got that from the name of the show and how you keep saying it over and over. But, it’s gonna be okay, Jessica.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. There’s another election in 2018 and democrats have a chance of taking back– oh my god! You’re right. You know what? It doesn’t matter. [Cut to all. 4 is walking away looking frustrated] How does it not matter?

Male Contestant: Ay! At least the stock market is up.

Kate: [yelling] Out! Kenan, you go! Now!

Male Contestant: Alright, well, Kenan will leave, but Bernard will stay.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Well, thanks for watching. As always, the host of tonight’s show gets a hug. Because she really needs it.

[Cut to Kate and Male Contestant]

Kate: Are we supposed to hug you now? Or–?

Host: Yes.

[Kate and Male Contestant walk to the host and hug her.]

Male voice: Thanks for watching “What Even Matters Anymore?” Contestants on the show stay at… oh, oh! Trump Tower. That’s not good. And tonight’s show is sponsored by, “Little Ball.” When you can’t take the news anymore, just crawl up into a little ball and rock yourself to sleep. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Stormy Daniels

Colin Jost

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, In Touch Weekly released a 5,000 word interview with pornstar Stormy Daniels about an affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump in 2006. Here to comment is Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stormy Daniels: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Yeah, hi, Stormy. How are you?

Stormy Daniels: I’m way fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Now, you’re a kind of unlikely ally for critics of Donald Trump now.

Stormy Daniels: I know. It’s crazy, right? I’m all over Huffington Pollison daily beast. I’m like a liberal hero. Even though I’m a republican pornstar who loves Sarah Palin. Right? Things are so bad right now, they are so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, you also direct porn?

Stormy Daniels: Yeah, Colin. Coz unlike your industry, we actually have female directors. Imagine that? Now, I get it that I’m not what these people in vision their hero would look like, but guess what, America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.

Colin Jost: What does that mean?

Stormy Daniels: Well, okay, okay. Take for instance the still Dacia, right? Alright. When the information about Russia was important enough that somebody wound up dead, but all anybody wanted to talk about was the Russian hookers. That’s why you get me. You get a Stormy. Alright? And when I was hanging out late at night with Donald Trump and Ben Roethlisberger, and the one I trusted to get me home safe was Ben Roethlisberger. And then you guys went and made the other guy president? You get a Stormy. And ladies, when it’s the one year anniversary of the women’s march and y’all are arguing about, who gets to say “me too” and who doesn’t? Well, you get a Stormy. And my hashtag isn’t #TimesUp. It’s #AssUp.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. So, you’re here to teach people a lesson then?

Stormy Daniels: No, no, no, no. I just, I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. But that’s not gonna happen. And I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey, you’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy. And that’s what you get. [pointing at audience] You get a Stormy. And you get a Stormy. Oh, I’m like Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Stormy Daniels: Should I run for president?

Colin Jost: No. No, no. Stormy Daniels, everyone.

Stormy Daniels: I would win. Of course, I would win.

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jessica Chastain Monologue

Jessica Chastain

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Chastain.

[Jessica Chastain walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jessica Chastain: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody, so much. Whoo! It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Whoo! This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. But I never get to do stuff like this because I’m always cast as a strong powerful woman. I usually say lines like, “Take the shot, dammit!” When am I gonna get to play a naggy girlfriend and say something like, “David!”

But I’m really excited to be here, especially today because this weekend is the one year anniversary of the women’s march. [cheers and applause] Yeap! And everyone knows women never forget an anniversary. So, today, hundreds of thousands of people were out there for the cause and they are so, so brave because it’s the worst flu season ever. God bless them.

I wish I could have been there, march alongside them.

[Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon walk in]

Cecily: Hey, we’ll march with you, Jessica.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I’m always wearing practical footwear.

Jessica Chastain: Girls, let’s tell them what’s up.

[music playing]

Girls: [singing] You don’t own me
don’t try to change me in anyway
you don’t own me
don’t try me down coz I never stay

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the audience. She is wearing a pink hat and has made few audiences wear them too.]

Aidy: I got us all P hats. I can’t say the real word coz it’s just one of those many words that only president can use.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: You mean pussy hat?

Aidy: Yes, Leslie.

[Leslie takes one hat and leaves]

[Cut to the stage]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say
and please when I go out with you
don’t put me on display.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk in]

Beck: Hey, guys. We wanna match too.

Pete: Yeah. We love women.

Beck: Don’t say it like that.

Jessica Chastain: That’s so sweet. Thank you for being allies.

Beck: Yeah, totally. Because I believe it’s the man’s role in this situation to just listen. I think that–

Kate: Beck?

Beck: Yeah. Sorry. You don’t need us.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk out]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say

[Heidi Gardner walks in with a slogan board “Nevertheless She Persisted!”]

Heidi: Whoo! Yay! Women’s march!

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa, why are you still dressed up?

Melissa: Look, I’m a proud feminist, but I’m still trying to catch a husband.

[Heidi Gardner and Melissa Villaseñor walk out.]

Jessica Chastain: Ladies, we were strong last year and we’ll be even stronger this year. So, let’s do this, damit!

Girls: [singing] I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
I’ll live my life the way that I want
to say I do whatever I be

Jessica Chastain: We got a great show for you tonight. Troye Sivan is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Car Hunk

Arie… Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner

Lauren C. …Cecily Strong

Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Car Hunk intro]

Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.

[Cut to Arie. He is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand.]

Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.

[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]

Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Lauren C. walks in.]

Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren B. walks out and Lauren C. takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.

Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.

Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.

Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.

Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?

Jessica: Eating Tide pods.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.

[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?

[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]

Luke: Does it matter?

Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.

Luke: I love that.

Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.

[Melissa walks in.]

Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.

Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.

Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]

Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.

Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.

Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?

Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.

[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]

Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.

Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.

Aidy: You got it.

[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek]

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.

Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.

Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.

Arie: I’ll walk you out.

[The End]

Science Show

Mr. Science… Sam Rockwell

Lony… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with PBS Kids show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching PBS Kids. At twelve, it’s ‘Math Bus’, followed by ‘Grammar Bus.’ But first, a classic 1996 episode of ‘The Science Room with Mr. Science.’

[Cut to The Science Room video bumper]

[Cut to Mr. Science in his science lab. He is looking at a skeleton.]

Mr. Science: What a bone head. Hey, junior scientists. Today in the science room, we’re discussing a very important matter. Matter. [Mr. Science walks to Lony and Josh] And helping me today are two student scientists, Lony and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Kind of nervous.

Lony: Nervous.

Mr. Science: Well, don’t be nervous. Besides, it’s fun, right? High-five. [Mr. Science gives his hand to Josh but Josh doesn’t high-five him back] Okay. These guys are gonna help with some experiments involving matter. And there are three phases of matter. Liquid, [holds a glass of water] like this water. Solid like this table. Lony, you know the third one?

Lony: Um, water?

Mr. Science: No. Josh?
Josh: Um.

Mr. Science: Liquid? Josh?

Josh: The table.

Mr. Science: No. Remember, the table is solid. Here’s a hint. Sometimes you can’t even see it.

Lony: Behind me?

Mr. Science: No. Last guess. Josh?

Josh: Science?

Mr. Science: It’s gas. It’s gad.

Lony: Oh, yes. Gas.

Mr. Science: Our first experiment is easy to do at home. All you need is some vegetable oil. [Lony and Josh try to hold the vegetable oil bottle that’s on the table] Don’t do that. A glass of water. [Lony and Josh try to hold the glass of water that’s on the table] No need. What are you doing? And some… [Lony and Josh try to hold the food color that’s on the table] Okay. Stop. And some food coloring. Some food coloring to put in the water. Lony, Josh, what do you think will happen when I pour the oil into the water?

Lony: It will explode.

Mr. Science: What? No. Josh?

Josh: Um, nothing.

Mr. Science: Well, something has to happen. Oil is less dense than water. So, do you think it will sink or float?

Josh: The water or the oil?

Mr. Science: Oil.

Josh: Oh, then the water?

Lony: Oh, I think it’s the oil.

Mr. Science: Let’s just do the experiment. Helpers, remind the kids at home what the science room’s number one rule is.

Lony: Um, oh, don’t like– don’t let touch me under my clothes.

Mr. Science: What? No. No. I mean, yeah, of course that’s the rule. But that’s not the main rule. The answers have fun. That was really upsetting. Okay, come on. Get close and look here. [Lony and Josh get too close to the glass] Too close. Too close. Too close. [Lony and Josh move back] Now, I’m gonna pour the oil–

Lony: No, it’s gonna explode.

[Lony and Josh hide under the table]

Mr. Science: No. It’s not going to explode. Come back, guys. Not gonna explode. Here comes the oil. [Mr. Science puts the oil in the water] Okay, now, watch the oil.

[Josh picks the bottle of oil and looks at it]

No, not that oil, Josh. I just poured the oil into the water. The oil is–

Josh: False.

Mr. Science: This isn’t a true or false, Josh.

Lony: True.

Mr. Science: You can’t be this… stupid. I’m sorry. No. Kids aren’t stupid. Just say what you see, okay? Say what you see.

Lony: What you see.

Mr. Science: Come on. Are you kidding me? Just look at it. The oil went down into the water. Then it went back to the–

Josh: Future?

Mr. Science: No. It floated back–

Josh: To the future part two?

Mr. Science: No. I’m pointing to it. Where is it? And do not say back to the future part three. The oil went back–

Lony: To the future part three?

Mr. Science: [yelling] To the top. [Mr. Science throws the glass away angrily] The top. I wish it would explode so I get you– you guys– explode your faces until you work it out with me. [calmly] Okay, we’re gonna take a short break so I can calm down, and we’ll be right back.

Josh: To the future.

[Mr. Science punches Josh down]

Sam Rockwell Monologue

Sam Rockwell

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Rockwell.

[Sam Rockwell walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sam Rockwell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. My name is Sam Rockwell. Now, most of you probably know me as that guy from that movie. You know, I’m talking about not the main guy but the other guy. And when you see him, you’re like, “Oh, this guy. I like this guy. He’s pretty good.” But thank you. That’s me.

[cheers and applause]

I’ve been a working actor for over 30 years and I’ve got in to disappearing to many great roles but– and just last week, the worst thing that could ever happen to a character actor happened to me. I won an award and [cheers and applause] — yeah. And I said, “Whoa! Am I a big ass honking movie star now? Did I just go from actor to big as deal?” Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, I was a character actor all my life and now I might actually just go full leading man. Yeah, I might as well start right now.

[band playing music]

[Sam Rockwell starts dancing]

[singing] a little less conversation, little more action please
all this aggravation in expecting of me

[A red carpet rolls to Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell starts walking and dancing on the red carpet. The dancers come to him.]

Hey, who are these guys?

[Sam Rockwell continues dancing and walking towards the backstage hallway]

Whoo! Ninjas? [Two ninjas walk in.] Hey, come on! [Sam Rockwell beats the two ninjas.] Hey, alright!

[Sam Rockwell then walks out of the door. There is a paparazzi.]

[Sam Rockwell walks into Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Sam Rockwell. I see you’re a leading man now. Just in time, [points a gun on Sam Rockwell’s face] to die. [Sam Rockwell takes the gun away and holds Cecily Strong by her waist] Oh, Sam. [Sam Rockwell is trying to kiss Cecily Strong] Oh, we can’t do kissing scenes anymore. We had a whole HR meeting about it.

[Cecily Strong walks out. Leslie Jones walks in.]

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. Ah. [Leslie Jones holds Sam Rockwell tight] Now, you know I didn’t go to that meeting.

[Leslie Jones kisses Sam Rockwell]

Whoo!

[Leslie Jones holds a rose by her teeth and starts dancing with Sam Rockwell]

You better not tell HR.

[Sam Rockwell pushes Leslie Jones out of the exit door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Colin Jost]

Sam Rockwell: Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, man. Break a leg tonight.

Sam Rockwell: You break one.

[Sam Rockwell kicks Cecily Strong out through the door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Sam, well, you’re a big ass deal.

Sam Rockwell: Hey. So are you. Wanna dance?

Kate McKinnon: Sure.

[Sam Rockwell and Kate McKinnon dance and walk forward]

Wow, I can’t believe it.

[They run into ninjas again and beat them.]

Go, get em’ baby. I got it.
Sam Rockwell: Thanks baby.

[Sam Rockwell wears a magician hat and holds a magic stick. Then he walks to the SNL stage and stands on cameraman’s crane.]

Come on, come on. Hey, come on. Yeah. Let’s make this damn good. Let’s have a good time. Come on.

[There are backup dancers on the stage. Sam Rockwell walks to the stage and dances with them.]

[music stops]

We got a great show. Halsey is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.