Tag: Cecily Strong

My Drunk Boyfriend

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Luke Null

Boyfriend Doll… Kyle Mooney

Girlfriend Doll… Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aidy getting drinks at the bar. Cecily is waiting for her. Aidy walks back with two cocktails.]

Aidy: Whoo! I hope you’re having fun. I know it sucks Brad’s out of town.

Cecily: Yeah, you know. But it’s still nice to have some me time. Right?

[Beck walks to Aidy and hugs her]

Beck: There she is.

Aidy: Babe, stop.

[Beck is drunk]

Beck: What? I can’t help it. I love you so much. [Beck is walking a little backwards. She spills a stranger’s drink.]

Stranger: Watch it, guy.

Beck: Oh, you wanna fight me? Let’s get it, bro.

Aidy: Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get him out of here.

[Aidy pulls Beck away]

Cecily: Okay. I’ll see you guys later.

Beck: You’ll never find a love like this.

Aidy: Okay. That’s enough.

[Cecily looks at Cecily and Beck walk away carefully]

Female voice: Wishing your man was here? He would be a handful. But wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend. [Cut to Cecily receiving the box of doll delivered in her home] The only life sized doll guaranteed to make you feel like your man is right there with you. And he is hammered. [Cecily opens the box. There’s a real looking doll guy.] 150 pounds of dead weight. [Cecily is trying to take  the doll out, but she is falling with the doll.] And you get to be his babysitter. Designed to mimic the behavior of the sloppy grown man that you can’t get enough of. Programmed to say over 200 unique phrases.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I think I’m going to take piano lessons.

Female voice: It’s always a fun night with My Drunk Boyfriend.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] Cops. I want to watch Cops.

Female voice: You’ll love hearing about his big plans.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I’m gonna call my boss and quit.

Female voice: Or when he cries over a dead relative he never mentioned before.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk crying] My Uncle! [sobbing] My uncle!

Female voice: With My Drunk Boyfriend beside you, you’ll never miss out on a night of rolling him over when he snores. And oh no, watch out. My Drunk Boyfriend has a timer set to get up in the middle of the night and pee into your hamper.

Melissa: No. No. That’s the laundry.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I did good, right?

Female voice: Plus, with a new My Drunk Boyfriend expansion pack, you’ll get all sorts of accessories. Like, pants that don’t come all the way off. A charred frozen pizza that he brought into bed. A glass of water he will ignore. And just a one more beer. My Drunk Boyfriend. He’s a problem, but he’s your problem.

Male voice: From the makes of My Drunk Girlfriend.

[Cut to a female doll]

Girlfriend doll: [drunk voice] Are you mad at me?

Alex: Yeah. [smiling at camera] I’m mad at you.

Genetic Lab

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Aaron… Sam Rockwell

Mikey Day

[Starts with Cecily giving a tour of her lab to visitors from Department of Health]

Cecily: Which brings us to the last stop on our tour. The next gene labs innovation hub. Here, our genetic engineers are developing cutting edge technologies that will revolutionize medical science. And if the department of health gives us approval to continue our research, this company can save lives.

[The visitors are clapping]

Well, I’ve certainly done a lot of talking.

Beck: [in Aidy’s ear] You think?

Cecily: Um, uh, so… Now, I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.

Kenan: Uh, yeah, I have one. What’s that?

[pointing at three scientists testing a dog making a lego house. It has human hands.]

Cecily: Um, you know, I’m not entirely sure but I can promise you that it is cutting edge

Kenan: Okay, because it looks like a dog’s head on a human body.

Beck: Why did they make that?

Cecily: Great question. You know what, let’s see if we can get someone out to come speak with us.

[Cecily calls a scientist out.]

Aaron: What? I’m very busy.

Cecily: Oh, Dr. Goldman. The folks from the Department of Health are curious about your project.

Aaron: Well, make it quick. We’re on a virtue of major brekthrough.

[The dog-human is solving the Rubik’s cube]

Aidy: Um, what is your project?

Aaron: What does it look like? We made a dog head guy.

Beck: Yeah, okay, but why?

Aaron: Well, because we could.

[Another scientist walks out]

Mikey: Aaron, you might want to take a look at this.

[The dog-human has successfully solved the Rubik’s cube.]

Aaron: Wow!

Mikey: Yeah. We did it.

Kenan: Um, just out of curiosity, how much money have you spent on that thing?

Aaron: Oh, so far $35 million.

Aidy: Oh, that’s insane.

Aaron: I know. Worth every penny. [phone ringing] Dammit. [answers the phone] Hello? [dog barking] Oh, my god.

[Cut to the dog-huma. It’s him who is calling Aaron]

He’s making phone calls now. We are done here.

[Aaron walks away]

Beck: I’m sorry. I think this has to be breaking some sort of law.

Cecily: Oh, no, no, no. Every project is thoroughly vetted by our legal council.

Kenan: And where might we find this person?

Aaron: You’re looking at him, pal. There’s no law that says you can’t make a dog head guy. I googled it.

[The dog-human is eating a sandwich]

Mikey: Aaron, hear me out. I think he’s ready to start wearing shoes.

Aaron: No. No. He’s just gonna chew them.

Mikey: How do you know, Aaron?

Aaron: Because I created him. And don’t forget that that is my dog’s head on my dead brother’s body.

[Melissa come in]

Melissa: Guys, he is talking.

Aaron: What? What did he say?

Melissa: He says he wants us to make a dog head girl.

Aaron: We got work to do.

Mikey: Yes, we do.

Cecily: So, you’re gonna shut us down, right?

Kenan: Oh, most definitely.

Aidy: Yeah.

Fashion Panel

Rochelle Koontz… Cecily Strong

Dean Swizz… Sam Rockwell.

Angelo Dolphintuna… Kenan Thompson.

Silvia Nunez… Melissa Villaseñor

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ‘E’ intro]

Female voice: You’re watching E. It’s okay. You also read books.

[Cut to the set of ‘The Look’]

Rochelle Koontz: Welcome to ‘The Look’, E’s red carpet run down where we are now fashion positive. The times are changing and we’re trying to keep up. Ha-ha-ha. So I have read. I’m Rochelle Koontz and joining me is my co-host, Dean Swizz.

Dean Swizz: Thank you Rochelle, my favorite woman in E. Hey, on the count of three, let’s just say what we get paid. One, two, three. $600,000

Rochelle Koontz: $40,000

Dean Swizz: Okay. That backfired.

Rochelle Koontz: Sure did. Alright, today we’re joined by panel regular and stylist to the stars, Angelo Dolphintuna.

[Angelo Dolphintuna joins. He is wearing a suit and a luxurious fur outer.]

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yes. And please checkout my new book, ‘Work, Bitch: How I overcame prostate cancer.’

Dean Swizz: We love that.

Rochelle Koontz: We love that. Alright. And in the spirit of this year’s Golden Globes, we are delighted to welcome our guest panelist, Silvia Nunez. [Silvia Nunez joins] Director of ‘Our House Women’s Shelter.’ Silvia, why don’t you tell us a little bit about the work you do.

Silvia Nunez: At our house, we provide women–

Rochelle Koontz: [interrupting] Amazing.

Dean Swizz: Someone should provide women.

Rochelle Koontz: Yeah. If you’re watching to look, so let’s see those Golden Globes looks. [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] First up, it’s Kate Hudson wearing Valentino. Panel, how do we feel about this look?

Dean Swizz: Ooh, I’m gonna say she looks empowered?

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yeah. She definitely looks as good as a man, if not, better. Can I say that?

Rochelle Koontz: You know what? I don’t even see a dress. I see a CEO. What do you think, Sylvia?

Silvia Nunez: Um, I think she looks beautiful.

Dean Swizz: Really? Really, Silvia? Beautiful? Let’s try and not to just judge people based on their looks.

Silvia Nunez: This show is called ‘The Look.’

Rochelle Koontz: Ah! [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay, next up, we have Eva Longoria rocking that pregnancy glow.

Angelo Dolphintuna: Okay. The hair. The make up. The jewelry. I wanna say all went to college?

Rochelle Koontz: Or even Harvard.

Dean Swizz: I hope her babies are girls so she can change the world more. Oh, wait. [listening to his earpiece] I’m hearing it’s a boy. Well, boo.

Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna: Boo.

Dean Swizz: We hate that, right Silvia?

Silvia Nunez: Why is that bad?

Dean Swizz: Maybe you’re right. Maybe he will be gay.

[Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna clap]

Rochelle Koontz: Well, before women were brave, this next segment was called ‘Puker Bar.’ But now it’s called ‘I respect her choice.’  Angelo, you’re up first with Debra Messing.

Angelo Dolphintuna: [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay. Normally, I would say something like, “This hoe look like she got dressed by friendly mice.” But because of Twitter, I’m gonna say, “I respect that bitch’s choice.”

Dean Swizz: Okay. Well, we are so excited for today’s special guest.

Rochelle Koontz: Yes. She’s an actress. But she also has opinions. Please welcome Frances McDormand.

[Frances McDormand joins]

Frances McDormand: Hello. Get that out of there. Get that our of there.

Rochelle Koontz: No, that’s your camera.

Frances McDormand: Oh. Sorry. So, why was I, you know, booked for this?

Rochelle Koontz: Because we want raw powerful females represented on this show. And I don’t count.

Dean Swizz: McD, I saw this movie you were in. Three Billboards. It went straight over my head. But I do know you’re a sassy lady.

Frances McDormand: Well, in [bleep], it was really a [bleep] and I feel so [bleep] to have played a character like [bleep].

Rochelle Koontz: Oops. Sorry. You know, I think we accidentally bleeped a lot of what you just said.

Frances McDormand: Okay. It happens. I’m not cursing. It’s just the tone of my voice.

Rochelle Koontz: Well, congratulations on your Golden Globe. Now, are you wearing the same dress from the award?

Frances McDormand: Yeah. This is the dress. It’s from a production in 92.

Rochelle Koontz: Wow, we love that. Women can do anything.

Frances McDormand: Can I punch you in the face?

Dean Swizz: Ha-ha-ha. There it is. Right, Silvia? You wouldn’t kick her out of your house.

Silvia Nunez: My house for battered women?

Dean Swizz: Wow. Stepped in it.

Rochelle Koontz: Alright. This has been ‘The Look’ on E, reminding you that women are powerful and strong. Stay tuned for all new episode of ‘Fat whores of Miami beach.’

Chantix Commercial

Kelly… Cecily Strong

[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]

Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.

Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.

Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.

Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.

Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.

Kelly: Alright.

Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.

[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]

Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.

Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.

Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…

Female voice: For acting?

Kelly: We won for custumes.

[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]

Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.

Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.

[Cut to Kelly sitting on a sofa in her living room]

Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”

Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.

[Cut to Kelly crying]

Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”

Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.

Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]

Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–

[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]

Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.

Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.

[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]

Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.

Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.

Kelly: I’m talking full bush.

Office Phone Call

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Doug… Kevin Hart

Lao… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with offie staff having a meeting]

Cecily: And as you can see, our third quarter revenue was down almost 5% but our online sales in the past few weeks suggest a lot of upside. Any thoughts?

[Kate raising hand]

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say I think there’s a huge opportunity to expand further into the biotech sector. That’s where we’ve seen the biggest growth.

[Doug interrupting. He is holding his phone.]

Doug: [on the phone] Hello? What? What is that? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Okay. Are you serious? Are you se– Oh, my god! How’s home? Alright. I’ll– I’ll be right there. Oh, my god! Okay. Alright, I’m coming now. [Doug stands] Oh, my god. Guys, I’m so sorry. Something just came up. I gotta run. Yeah. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Cecily: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Um, yeah.

Cecily: Doug, it’s okay.

Doug: What is?

Cecily: Doug, you don’t have to keep doing this. You can just use the bathroom.

Doug: Excuse me?

Kate: Doug, every time we have a meeting after lunch, you loudly take a phone call and you fake some kind of emergency. It’s clearly coz you have to use the bathroom.

Lao: Yeah. It always sounds like a family emergency, but then you’re back in like, 8 minutes.

Doug: Oh. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my family emergencies only take 8 minutes. You know what? I guess next time I’ll tell my family to be in more trouble, Lao.

Cecily: Doug. Just go to the bathroom.

Doug: No. No. No. Because I don’t have to go to the bathroom. No. You know what? I had to deal with something urgent regarding the loved one, but forget it. Work is more important. They can just suffer. Please continue.

Cecily: Okay. Fine. Anyone else wanna weigh in on the biotech side?

[Doug is biting his fingers having a hard time not going to the toilet. He is making funny faces.]

Beck: Yeah. I get that we’ve made huge strides in biotech, but most of that comes from a single patent that expires in two years. And two other points, we have very little cash to invest.

Doug: [squeaky voice] Ahhh!

Beck: And the overhead for the laboratory is much higher.

[Doug is banging the table.]

Cecily: Doug, you disagree?

Doug: Uh-huh.

Cecily: Lao, thoughts?

Lao: I don’t know. I still think pharmaceuticals are bread and butter. So… [Doug is stomping his feet and making noises. Lao looks at Doug.] I mean, I don’t know–

Doug: [Doug acts like he’s on the phone again.][interrupting] What’s that? What? Oh, my god! You tell me it’s more urgent now? Yeah. But I can’t. I can’t just leave work. Okay? I don’t care how many stairs you fell down, Nana.

Cecily: Doug.

Doug: Stop! Stop! What’s that? What? You think. You think you can just meet me at work on the 5th floor where where it’s totally empty but the bathroom still works? Okay. Alright, hang in there, Nana. [Doug puts down the phone] Guys, I just got a call.

Lao: Okay. We know you got a call.

Doug: Yeah. You know what? My Nana is really sick.

Leslie: You said she fell down the stairs.

Doug: Yeah. And she’s sick of it. She’s sick of falling down the stairs.

Cecily: Doug. Doug, just go to the bathroom.

Doug: I’m sorry, what? What did you say?

Kate: Doug, just go to the bathroom. You’re visibly sweating, Doug.

Doug: You know what? I resent these accusations. I really do. If you don’t believe that my Nana needs me very urgently in the 5th floor bathroom so we can have ourselves a private family conversation for about 8 to fifteen minutes, then forget it. Forget it. I’ll stay. You win. Please. Proceed. [Doug takes the seat, and when he does, he farts loudly.]

Cecily: Um, hey Doug.

[Doug is all sweating.]

Doug: Yeah.

Cecily: Doug. Um, did you just S your Ps?

Doug: Probably not.

Kate: Oh, Doug, Doug.

Lao: [loudly] Ring, right. [Lao takes his phone] Oh, hey, Doug, it’s for you, man. It’s your Nana.

Doug: It’s Nana?

[Lao nods his head yes]

Kate: [also holding her phone] Yeah. Doug, she called me too. She said it’s emergency

Doug: An emergency?

Beck: [Beck is just putting his hand on his ear]Yeah. She said to meet her on the 5th floor bathroom. And there’s a shower there too. Just FYI.

Leslie: [Leslie is also just putting her hand on her ear] And she also said to tell you that a J. Crew is in the lobby, so underwear.

Doug: Oh, man. I mean, it’s weird that she would even say all that, but okay. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I better go deal with this for my Nana. Excuse me.

[Doug takes one step at a time to move to the door and out.]

Cecily: He’s in the elevator. Okay. I think we can continue now.

[Lao puts the phone to his ear]

Lao: Hello? Oh, my god, Nana?

Leslie: Just go to the bathroom, Lao.

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out]

[The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.

Holiday Jewelry

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Cecily strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with women decorating the Christmas tree in their house.]

Male voice: She’s the one who makes the holidays merry and bright. The perfect gift. The perfect wrapping. The perfect everything. So, what do you get the woman who makes Christmas for Christmas? [Greg takes Kate to show her the gift] The gift every woman desires. [He shows her a ring box] A beautiful charm from Pandora. [There’s a little coffee cup in the ring box. Kate is confused.]

Kate: Oh, it’s one of these? It’s a little coffee cup.

Greg: I knew you would.

Kate: What?

Greg: I’m sorry. Did you say you love it?

Kate: [in unimpressive way] I do. I love it.

Male voice: And Pandora charms. We take one little fact about your wife and turn it into jewelry. If it’s now, it’s a charm.

[Cut to Alex opening the ring box to Cecily. Cecily is happy first, but then is confused after seeing what’s in the ring box.]

Cecily: Oh, is it a little dress?

Beck: Yeah. I noticed you wear dresses.

Cecily: It has pink ribbon on it. It’s for breast cancer?

Beck: [looks at it carefully] Oh, yeah.

Male voice: Pandora charm sees the thing you want to tell her the most. Like, I know what job you have and that job is nurse. Or, you like drinking. Or, this is a dog. And once you bought a Pandora bracelet, you can get her one of these $60 whatever for every birthday, mother’s day and anniversary for the rest of her natural life.

[Cut to a party]

Kate: [to her friends] It’s a coffee cup. Greg got it for me. Greg, look what I’m wearing. [Greg and Kate raise their glasses to each other] [to her friends] I got Greg a motorcycle.

Cecily: I got us a threesome.

Kate: Wow.

Aidy: Wow.

Cecily: Yeah.

Male voice: Pandora. Come back to the mall.

Christmas Party

Kenan Thompson

Ron… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Kevin Hart

[Starts with four adults enjoying the Christmas party]

Kenan: Well, it is Christmasy as all hell in here. Sorry I said hell. I’ve had too many of these guys. [pointing to his cocktail] How much Bailey’s is in these, Ron?

Ron: It’s all Bailey’s, my man.

[laughing]

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Oh, oh, that’s probably Crystal and Jean. They said they were arriving late. [Cecily opens the door] Ah, Merry Christmas. Come on in.

Leslie: How are you doing? Sorry, [pointing at Kevin] this is one to blame.

Kevin: Oh, man. Here we go. Ha-ha.

Ron: Can I get you Bailey’s on the rocks?

Kevin: Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love one.

Leslie: Um, do me a favor. Get him a diet Pepsi.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on, now. I can’t even have a drink? Oh, sweety Crystal. come on.

Ron: Oh, Jean, have a drink if you want.

Kevin: Oh, no, Ron. I shouldn’t push it.

Leslie: Do you have straws?

Cecily: Well, we have the crazy straws that our kids like to use.

Leslie: Hmm, that will do.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on. Don’t make me use a child’s crazy straw. Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: I’m not gonna listen to you slurp, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, I’ll drink it quiet, honey. Come on, baby. I don’t slurp.

Leslie: You think you don’t slurp, Jean? [Leslie passes Kevin a glass of Pepsi with a crazy straw] Here.

Kevin: Okay. I guess I’ll take it.

[Kevin takes a seat by Kenan.]

Kenan: So, you do everything your wife says there, Jean?

Kevin: What? What, you– What? [laughing] You got it all wrong. She just knows what’s better for me. That’s all. I’m very– I’m very lucky.

Leslie: Jean, I’m under the mistletoe. Get over here and kiss me.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, alright. I’m on my way, sweetie. Okay.

Kenan: You better snap to it, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, come on, now. Ay, Reggie, come on, now. Don’t bust my chance like that.

Leslie: Hurry up. Do you know how desperate I look right now?

Kevin: Oh, well, I’m coming, hun. I’m just–

Leslie: You know what? Forget it. You’re too late. Go kiss yourself.

Kevin: [looks around] Well, baby, how do I kiss myself? I don’t know how to even do that.

Leslie: Then grab that life size Christmas bear under the tree and kiss it.

Kevin: Oh. Baby, I– I really gotta go kiss that over sized teddy bear? The one with the overall? Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: Yes. And make it a good one, Jean.

Kevin: What? Like a big kiss? You talking the whole thing, Crystal, baby? Come on, now.

Leslie: Yes. A French kiss and I wanna see a lot of tongue. Jean.

[Kevin walks to the teddy bear]

Aidy: Oh, Jean, you do not have to do that.

Kevin: Oh, well, no. I better. I don’t — I don’t want Crystal to be mad.

Leslie: Kiss that teddy bear like you mean it. Show then what I have to deal with every night, Jean.

Kevin: Well, come on now, Crystal. I don’t want them to see our secrets. Come on, baby.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kenan: Yeah. We don’t want to see your secrets either.

Leslie: Tell that bear how hot it looks. How hot he looks.

Kevin: What? What do you mean he?

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Oh, come on now, Crystal. Alright, your booty look good.

Ron: His booty? What is happening?

Leslie: Take that bear’s Christmas overalls off Jean.

Kevin: Oh, Crystal, baby. Don’t make me undress the teddy bear. Come on, Crystal.

Kenan: Ay, Jean. You don’t have to do that.

Aidy: Yeah. This isn’t your house.

Cecily: Yes. And that’s Elain’s Christmas gift.

Kevin: Well, well, I’m sorry. Okay? I just gotta pick my battles with Crystal. [Kevin starts opening teddy bear’s clothes] Get your overalls off. Come on.

Leslie: You’re making that bear work. Show him what you really like, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on now. Those are my bedroom fantasies.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Well, I don’t see any fingers or nothing on the bear, Crystal. Let me get the leg out the pant or something out. Come on. I’ll do this and I’ll just turn the bear.

Kenan: Hey, stand up for yourself, Jean.

Ron: Yeah. You don’t have to do that, man.

Aidy: Get off my stuffed bear.

[Kevin gets embarrassed]

Kevin: You know what, honey? You’ve been laying into me heavy all night in front of all my employees. But I think maybe you’re going too far, okay? Now, I’m not gonna try to put my– you know what I am. I’mma put my foot down right now and I’mma say, “That’s it.” No more. No more I’m gonna do this. I will not make out with this life sized teddy ear anymore.

[The employees look proud]

Leslie: Hmm. Somebody gets a little diet Pepsi in him and suddenly he’s all man. Hmm, how about we go home and you get one top?

[Leslie walks out]

Kevin: Oh, baby. Come on now. Now I got to be on top?

Leslie: [yelling] Come on, Jean!

Kevin: Alright, sweety. Well, let me get the bear. We can finish what we started. I’m sorry.

[Kevin carries the life sized teddy bear]

I’m sorry. I know. We made a mess.

Cecily: Did they just take Elain’s gift with them?

Aidy: It’s okay.

Active Jack

Cecily Strong

Jack Taylor… Kevin Hart

Cindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Old Jack Taylor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Cecily in her set]

Cecily: Thank you for joining us for our annual PBS Pledge Drive. As you know, public television has brought so many wonderful educational shows for our children throughout the years including Active Jack. [Cut to DVD cover of Active Jack] In 1971, [cut to Cecily] long before the push for youth fitness, Active Jack Taylor was getting kids all over the country to get out there and move. And who could forget the classic opening theme.

[Cut to opening theme of Active Jack]

[music playing]

Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. It’s time to get off the couch and get moving. Ha-ha. Can you move? Well, can you groove? Solid! Everyone…

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me

I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
let’s go, up, up, up and down, down, down
one more time, I go up, up, up and down, to the ground

Yeah!

[two girls join Jack Taylor]

Cindy: Hey, Jack.

Dorothy: Hey, Jack.

Jack Taylor: Hey, wad up, girls? Hey. Are y’all ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Cindy: We sure are.

Dorothy: My doctor says exercise is good for me.

Jack Taylor: Oh, yeah. Then let’s get into it. Take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

Cindy: Hey, Jack. What kind of exercise are we gonna do today?

Jack Taylor: Oh, dig this. It’s called the South Philly breakdown, okay?

[Jack Taylor does the exercise. Another guy and a come in dancing to join. Everybody are copying what Jack Taylor is doing.]

Yeah.

Dorothy: Wow. That was way cool, jack.

Jack Taylor: Oh. Well, it ain’t nothing to me. So, get moving. Hah! And be like Active Jack!

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wonderful. And now, we at PBS have a special treat. After 45 years, the cast of Active Jack has agreed to be with us tonight for an exclusive reunion. So, now, performing the theme song, the original cast of Active Jack.

[Cut to Old Jack Taylor turning around. He doesn’t look happy at all.]

[music playing.]

Old Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. Get off the couch. [breathes heavily] Get moving. Ha-ha. Come on. Here we go. [he is barely moving]

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
here we go, up, up, ouch! and down, down, down
I think I’ll just sit, sit, sit, stay here on the ground.

[Dorothy walks in. She is very old.]

Dorothy: Hi, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, hey, Dorothy. Oh, what happened to Cindy?

Dorothy: Oh, she’s gone, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Why, lord? Well, are you ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Dorothy: My doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass.

Old Jack Taylor: Well, let’s do it anyway. Come on, let’s take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

[Old Jack Taylor farts] Oh! I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about that. Let’s just try that South Philly breakdown. Here we go. [doing the exercise] Hey. Hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, ah! Okay, cut it. Cut the music. I popped something. You know what? Kids, do what you want. Smoke, drink, I don’t care. Coz guess what? Everybody dies.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Um, guess we’re gonna cut that a little short. But remember, you can still get all the classic episodes of Active Jack–

[Old Jack Taylor walks in]

Old Jack Taylor: Ay, Willy! Put my town in country round and bring around close. Make sure you turn the heat on.

Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.