Tag: Cecily Strong

Sexual Harassment Charlie

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Amanda… Cecily Strong

Denice… Leslie Jones

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Doug… James Franco

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Tommy… Mikey Day

[Starts with Glen talking to his employees]

Glen: Folks, can I get you to gather over here? Sorry to interrupt your lunch, everyone. I just want you all to be clear that here at Beta Corp, we have zero tolerance for workplace sexual harassment. And all offenders will be trminated.

[The employees applaud]

That being said, unfortunately, we had to fire our CFO Doug Giffer.

Jenny: Finally.

Amanda: Yeah. Good riddance.

Denice: Bastard!

Glen: And, also our front desk guy, Charlie.

Employees: Aww.

Janet: Not Charlie!

Glen: And if it’s okay, we’ve asked them to come out and formally apologize to all of you before they leave. Come on out here, guys.

[Doug and Charlie walk in]

Doug: [sigh] Thank you, Glen. I just want to say to all of you that I am deeply and truly sorry for anything inappropriate that I may have done while working here.

Charlie: Yeah. My bad.

Doug: Janet in particular. I know that I have playfully referred to you as my little honeybee. And it made you feel uncomfortable. And I know now, it was wrong. And I’m sorry.

Janet: It was gross. And you’re gross.

Charlie: [Charlie does not sound serious at all] Janet, I know that sometimes you would walk by me. And I’d be saying something like, “Umm, umm.” Then I’d shake my head, do a little dance, and ask you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It was wrong. I’m sorry.

Janet: [laughing] Charlie, you’re so crazy.

Amanda: Oh, that is classic Charlie.

[Doug is confused]

Doug: Um, okay. Um, Amanda, there was one time at a meeting recently where I commented on your dress and your figure and even though I mentioned it was a compliment, apparently, it was still inappropriate. So, for that, I’m sorry.

Amanda: Oh, apparently? Okay. Well, apparently, you still don’t get it. And that’s why they fired your creep ass.

[All the employees clap]

Charlie: Mandy, Mandy, sweeter than candy. I remember I said something about that dress too. I think it was a long lines of, “Umm, umm. Woman, you are thicker than a bowl of biscuit. Why don’t you make Charlie a pair with extra jelly?” Then I did a little dance. Told you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It wasn’t appropriate. That’s my bad.

Amanda: [laughing] Charlie, you are just too much.

Charlie: Oh, you know I ain’t got no sense.

Denice: [to Glen] You can’t fire Charlie. It’s just Charlie.

Glen: It was a corporate decision, Denice. My hands are tied.

Doug: Wait, um, Denice…

Denice: What, creep?

Doug: Look, I know that you didn’t like me suggesting to you that you get further ahead in this business if you smiled a little more, but it was just advice.

Denice: Well, it sucked and you suck.

Jenny: Ah! That is legit awful, Doug!

Doug: Okay. I know. That’s why I’m saying sorry now.

Charlie: Denice. You know, at one time, I think I may have suggested that if I was 11 years younger, I’d put you in a large sack, throw you in a truck, drive you to my sister Betty’s house with a big old medical bed, crack open all the window to show you a good old times for 28 minutes.

Denice: [laughing] I guess that’s my loss, Charlie.

Doug: How are you okay with that

Denice: Shut up, man! That’s just Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s a sweet old man.

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s the holidays.

Glen: Believe me, I don’t want to. I wish I was just firing Doug too.

Doug: What?

Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t worry about me sweet sexy Jenny. Maybe I can get a job at Santa. Then I can sneak down your chimney, tie up your old man, crack open all the windows and give you a 28 minutes present. Umm, umm. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing!

Jenny: [laughing] Thank you, Charlie.

Doug: Thank you? He said he wants to break into your home, tie up your husband and crack open the window for some reason.

Charlie: That’s to getting the funk out.

Doug: Okay, and then, have sex with you.

Jenny: Okay, don’t make it gross, Doug!

Janet: Yeah. Why do you have to make everything sexual?

Amanda: He’s a sweet old man. What is your deal?

Doug: Well, it just feels like you guys are going easier on him coz he’s a charming old black man and he has done way worse stuff!

Tommy: But, he’s Charlie!

Doug: What does that mean?

Charlie: Look, maybe Doug is right. Tommy, you remember that time I met your fine ass wife at the office Christmas party?

Tommy: Of course, I do, Charlie.

Denice: I remember that.

Charlie: And I held her hand up and twirled her around and then I yelled out, “Ain’t no way lil’ bitty Tommy hitting this thing right.”

Tommy: Yes.

Charlie: And then, later on, I saw your junk at the urinal and it was a good stuff. So I went back out to the party and I yelled out, “I stand corrected. Homeboy Tommy is packing some heat!” And then everybody laughed.

Tommy: [smiling and nodding his head] Yeah.

Charlie: You think that’s why I’m getting fired?

Glen: Um, no. No. It’s not, Charlie. It actually has nothing to do with sexual harassment. The corporate says they have you on camera stealing $380 in petty cash. Plus, they found half a pound of cocaine in a bag of tiny balloons in your locker room.

Charlie: Oh, okay.

Glen: And you saved a ton of pornography into the lobby desktop in folder marked “Charlie’s stuff.”

Charlie: Oh! So you found that.

Glen: Yeah. And you signed out the company van, reported it was stolen and it was found three days later parked outside of a brother with your keys still in the ignition and your brother asleep in the front wheel.

Charlie: What? Claud was still in there?

Glen: Yeah. And your name’s not Charlie. It’s Ronald Washington. And you’re wanted in Pennsylvania for kidnapping.

Charlie: Oh! So it’s still kidnapping if I bring them back. Okay, that’s my bad. That’s my bad.

Christmas Charity

Cecily Strong

James Franco

[Starts with Cecily speaking on the phone at a cafeteria.]

Cecily: I know, right. Yes. I know. Right. I just– I shouldn’t have to keep telling you this, okay? Don’t call me with excuses. Just call me to tell me that you fixed it, alright? No, I’m not– I’m not yelling at you. I just– I expect my assistant to work as hard as I do. Okay? What? Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too. Okay.

[Cecily hangs up the phone. She looks outside. She sees a homeless man asking people for spare change. It’s cold and he is shivering. The building security tells him to move away.]

[Cut to Cecily at the cafe counter]

Can I have a coffee to go? And oh, one of these danishes please.

[Cecily walks to the man and gives him the coffee and a danish. The man smiles at Cecily. Cecily walks away. She looks back at the man as he is drinking coffee, and walks back to him. She takes the man to buy him some clothes. She buys her a lot of clothes, and now he is looking a lot better. As the man walks away, Cecily calls him again.]

Cecily: Hey, do you wanna keep going?

[The man nods his head yes. They talk to each other. Go on rickshaw ride. Cecily looks at her phone, there are many messages and missed calls from work. She just throws her phone away. They eat hotdogs together. Cecily takes him to her apartment and lets him clean himself. She is now looking for a job for him. As the man comes back, she shows her shaving cream and a trimmer to shave his beard. The man shakes his head no. Cecily insists him to shave.]

The man: No, seriously. Um, I can’t shave. It’s for a part.

Cecily: What do you mean a part? What’s that?

The man: Um, I role in a movie.

Cecily: What?

The man: Yeah, I’m James Franco. Did you not know?

Cecily: You’re James Franco?

The man: Yeah.

Cecily: Oh my god! No! I spent over $1,500 on you today. Why didn’t you say something?

The man: I mean, people give me free things all the time. I’m a famous person.

Cecily: Get out of my apartment, James Franco.

The man: Okay. Do you want an autograph or selfie?

Cecily: Oh my god! That reminds me, I threw my phone out.

The man: Yeah. I feel really bad.

Cecily: Oh!

The man: Okay.

Cecily: Get out.

The man: Alright. Should I leave these bags? Take them? [The shopping bags]

Cecily: Get out, James Franco. Oh my god! I circled jobs for you in the paper.

The man: What kind of jobs? I do a lot of jobs.

Cecily: Oh no. Don’t do that, James Franco. Not here.

The man: You have a big heart. I hope you know that.

Cecily: Oh. Thank you.

[The man walks out and Cecily closes the door]

The man: [speaking from the outside] Disaster Artist.

Cecily: What?

The man: The Disaster Artist. It’s in theaters now.

Cecily: Are you still here? Go home. Go to set.

The man: I heard the phrase ‘Oscar worthy’ a couple of times.

Cecily: [smiles] Merry Christmas James Franco.

White House Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Michael Flynn… Mikey Day

Billy Bush… Alex Moffatt

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in White House]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. President, are you sure that you don’t want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Coz everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

Donald Trump: Sorry, Kellyanne. I’m in poudy baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really got me down.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet. In that, it is your only achievement.

Donald Trump: Sorry, I’m not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up with these hilarious Muslim videos that I’ve been retweeting. Lex Cruise says Barf Hamburg. So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

Donald Trump: Um, yes. One little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffle bag with my passport, a fake mustache and a bucket of chicken.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, sir. Goodnight.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I’d like to reflect on all the good things I have done this year. It’ll only take a minute. [as Donald Trump is thinking, it gets all smoky] Wait, what’s that?

[Michael Flynn comes out of the smoke. He is chained.]

Michael Flynn: Donald J. Trump. Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump: Oh god! You’ve come to get me. I knew it. It’s the Muslim stuff, right?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: It’s for calling Mexican rapists?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Roy Moore stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Draft dodging?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The birthing stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Pocahontas?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Central Park fight? No, wait! Making fun of the handicapped Portland like this. [Donald Trump makes faces]

Michael Flynn: No, sir! Sir! I’m not here for any of that.

Donald Trump: So, who are you? Jacob Marley? You’ve got a lot of chains on.

Michael Flynn: No. I’m Michael Flynn. The ghost of witness Flict. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It’s time for you to come clean. For the good of the country.

Donald Trump: What the good of the?

Michael Flynn: The good of the country.

Donald Trump: The gobada-come-come?

Michael Flynn: This is serious, sir! The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable twice fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

Donald Trump: Oh, Mikey, my man. You led the locker up, cheered the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you when you passed? If only somebody had warned me about you.

Michael Flynn: Well, president Obama did tell you not to hire me.

Donald Trump: I meant someone who is American.

Michael Flynn: Mr. President. There was a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, we’ll be visited by three of them. There’s the first one. No!

[Michael Flynn leaves. Billy Bush walks out of the smoke]

Donald Trump: Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Um-hmm. Yep! I’m here to remind you of bad Hollywood tape, my man! Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoof! And then you got elected president. And now, you’re saying the bad tape isn’t even real? What?

Donald Trump: You’ll be fine, Billy. I’m sure you’ll find work again.

Billy Bush: Well, I hope so. Frankly, I’m looking pretty good in the NBC news division right about now. Remember Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you’d be fired. Fired! Fired!

[Billy Bush slowly walks away]

Donald Trump: Wait! Come back! Where did you go?

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald? Where did who go?

Donald Trump: Melania, I’m sorry. I was just working.

Melania Trump: Okay, but come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It’s a beautiful festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows. And then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

Donald Trump: Oh. Sounds wonderful but I’m so tired.

Melania Trump: Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it but his wife doesn’t want him playing with dolls because she’s afraid it will give him urges.

Donald Trump: Umm, I’m sorry, Melania. I can’t, but you go. I’ll be down in a minute. [Melania Trump walks out. The smokes appears again.] Oh, no. It’s happening again.

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the smoke. He is topless.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Oh my! Vladimir? You must be my present.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. Donald, you can’t hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

Donald Trump: Because you’re a ghost?

Vladimir Putin: Yes. I’m ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you. So much time and money. And you’re about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I’ll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa! Trump, you have to chill out, broski!

Donald Trump: Vladimir, look, I’ve always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I’m cool?

Vladimir Putin: Look, I have to go. Ha-ha.

Donald Trump: So, that’s a yes?

Vladimir Putin: I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They’re coming.

[Vladimir Putin walks out. Michael Flynn walks in again.]

Michael Flynn: Don’t you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

Donald Trump: Mike, I’m too scared to look.

[Someone walks out of smoke wearing a cloak covering the face.]

Oh, thank god, Steve Bannon. You’re here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

[When the person shows face, it’s Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha. Merry Christmas! Ha-ha. [cheers and applause] It is I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ha-ha. You, Donald have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say this. Lock him up!

[Michael Flynn and Hillary Clinton walk out]

Donald Trump: No! No!

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald! Donald! Are you alright?

Donald Trump: Oh god, Melania, I’m so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice, fire Robert Mueller, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Return Counter

Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

Bachelor Auction

Mikey Day

Brandon… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Chad… Pete Davidson

Sylvia… Cecily Strong

Cecil… Kate McKinnon

Patty… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Peg… Saoirse Ronan

Kenan Thompson

John McEnroe

[Starts with Mikey hosting an auction. Brandon is standing with Mikey on the stage.]

Mikey: Going once. Going twice. Whoa, sold for a whopping $1,600. Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six. You have won breakfast in a private tennis lesson with our head instructor Brandon.

Brandon: Heads up. I’m gonna make you sweat.

Melissa: At breakfast?

Brandon: No. The tennis lesson.

Mikey: Okay. You two, go see Dana to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take so far in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club bachelor auction. Remember, all proceeds from tonight go to our club youth traveling team. So, keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelor works at the club pro shop. It’s Chad. [Chad walks in] You may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot. You’re bidding on a lunch with Chad. So, we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, fifty bucks. Sounds good, Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Alright. Do I hear fifty?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. There is something about that boy. $fifty.

Peg: 100.

Sylvia: 500.

Leslie: 1,000.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Wow, Chad’s a hit. Anything to keep those bids coming, man? You got any hidden talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I made up the dance called ‘Doink Doink’.

Mikey: Alright, let’s see it.

Chad: Okay. [starts dancing] Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. The Doink Doink is amazing.

Peg: Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia.

Cecil: $5,000.

Sylvia: Oh, typical Cecil. Jump in the action’s hot.

Peg: $10,000, and I’ll raise myself to 15. I must have the Doink Doink.

Patty: Go home, ladies. Patty has come to play. Damn $30,000.

Peg: $50,000. And that’s a bargain.

Cecil: Look, I am willing to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad bring to the table?

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: [to Chad] Um, any other talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I could do an impression of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh, Jesus, this place is going to explode.

Peg: $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it.

Cecil: What if it’s not good?

Sylvia: Of course, it will be good. It’s Chad, you cow!

Peg: Just shut up, all of you. Let Chad work.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad.]

Chad: Okay. Um, this is when he’s talking to his dog. [doing Jim Carry’s Grinch impression] Tomorrow’s Christmas. It’s practically here.

[Cut to the ladies. All of them stand.]

All ladies: $500,000.

Peg: $600,000. That sounded exactly like the Grinch.

Leslie: $700,000, and I didn’t even see the Grinch.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: I feel like I’m in the upside down right now. Chad’s Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.

Chad: Oh, um, I can do a magic trick.

[Cut to the ladies]

Peg: It’s pointless ladies. There’s a reason you call me “Richy Bitch” behind my back. I get what I want.

Sylvia: Oh, quiet, Peg. Look.

[Chad is doing a stupid trick.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $10 million.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Ten million, going once, twice, sold to the mystery man in the fun coat. Um, who are you, sir?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It doesn’t matter. What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine. Have the boy cleaned and take him to my lodge.

[Kenan walks out]

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Sounds kind of creepy. Are you cool with that Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Okay. Big hand for Chad. [Chad leaves] Alright, Chad. Alright, on to our big ticket item, we pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Get your check books ready for our next bachelor. Tennis legend, John McEnroe.

[John McEnroe walks in]

Tell us, what are they bidding on, Mr McEnroe?

John McEnroe: Alright. I’m offering a weekend stay at my stay, a.k.a. the Mac Shack. It includes a three hours tennis lesson from your’s truly, a mixed double’s match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. And of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.

Mikey: Whoa. Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding.

[Cut to the ladies. They don’t look interested.]

John McEnroe: What? You gotta be kidding me. [yelling] I’m John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? [starts dancing like Chad] Doink Doink?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $20 million.

[Cut to Mikey and John McEnroe]

John McEnroe: Now that is more like it.

Mikey: Sold! $20 million.

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll]

[Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Aer Lingus

Brianna… Cecily Strong

Coleen… Saoirse Ronan

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Captain… Kyle Mooney

Maiv… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brianna speaking on airplane’s speaker]

Brianna: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard to flight 192 from Dublin to Cork, making connections to New York city. Now, before we’re in the air, we want to go over some safety features on Air Lingus.

Coleen: Yes. But even before that, we know what Air Lingus sounds like.

Brianna: Yes. We can’t go through a flight without someone making an Air Lingus comment.

Coleen: You know, about the word that sounds like, nothing any more about it.

Brianna: And to the word we’re talking about, it sort of rhymes with Ronan and it’s about female bits and what she can do to em’. But we’re not saying anymore about it.

Coleen: It’s low hanging fruit, literally. And that is definitely the last we are saying about that.

Brianna: And the word was conalingus.

Alex: How long do you reckon we’ll be on the runway? What’s the delay then?

Brianna: I heard it was a dog.

Coleen: Oh, here’s the lady with the orange sticks now. maybe she has more information.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Folks, we’ve got a dog on the runway. It’s got sad eyes. So, we’re gonna have to wait. We’re going to let dog choose when he’s ready to move. It’s his will. It’s his story. Not ours. Do you understand?

[Kate walks out]

Coleen: Good then, right. Let’s do our safety presentation. Do all of you have your pamphlets? If so, just pull them out now.

Brianna: Okay, number one. Mind your children please.

Coleen: Yes. They need to be underneath your seat at all times.

Brianna: And toddlers need to be stored neatly in the overhead for the entirety of the flight.

Coleen: Whose dog is this? [pointing at a dog] Come here. [Coleen carries a dog] Whose dog are you?

Brianna: Oh! That’s the captain’s dog. [banging cockpit door] Captain. Panky’s out here.

Captain: What’s that?

Coleen: It’s Panky, your dog. He’s out here.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Panky, you’re a bad boy, aren’t ya? Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.

[Captain walks inside the cockpit with his dog]

Brianna: Sorry. Folks, that was our captain Piwi Riley. That’s his nickname.

Coleen: Yes. Because something on his body is giant and he’s ashamed of it. And that’s all we’re going to say about it.

Brianna: And that part of his body is his penis.

Coleen: Okay. So, now that you’ve met our captain, let us introduce ourselves. I’m Coleen.

Brianna: And I’m Brianna. In the back we have Maiv, and now she’s going to tell us a bit about the menu.

[Maiv walks in]

Maiv: We’ve got fingerling potatoes. We’ve got purple potatoes. And we got salmon. I’m sorry, I misread that. The salmon is also potato. Thank you.

[Maiv walks out]

Brianna: Okay, Maiv, get back to the back now.

[Cut to Kenan. He is holding a dog.]

Kenan: Um, excuse me. Will I make my connection to New York city? And also, here’s a strange dog that has jumped into my lap.

Brianna: And is he bothering you, sir?

Kenan: Not really. He’s kind of sweet.

Coleen: Aw, it sounds like you made a new friend.

Kenan: Yeah. So, am I to make that connection to New York? Or–

Brianna: You know what? Here comes the lady with orange sticks.

[Kate walks in with a dog]

Kate: Alright, the dog on the runway was the captain’s dog. I knew it was him by his soul and the information on his tags.

Coleen: Oh, that’s Mupes. Isn’t it?

Brianna: Oh, what a funny coincident? It was the Mupes, the captain’s dog on the runway. [banging cockpit door] Captain, Mupes back. Guess he was at the runway.

Captain: Who?

Coleen: Mupes, your dog.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Mupes? Wow!

Brianna: He was on the runway.

[many dogs run out of the cockpit door]

Captain: Oh! Oh my dogs! Did you see that? Oh my god! Did you see them run out?

Brianna: I will send them in now.

Coleen: Folks, as you can see, the captain’s dogs have run out of the cockpit.

Brianna: Folks, it’d be a great deal of help if you can grab a dog by the passage. We can just load them back into the cockpit.

Coleen: Oh look. Maiv’s got her fit loud.

Sports Announcer

Dale Worthy… Beck Bennett

Chrissy Smith… Cecily Strong

Laslo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

Skjei… Alex Moffat

Tim Hayward… Mikey Day

[Starts with MSG network intro]

Male voice: You’re watching MSG network, home of the Knicks and Rangers.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith in their set]

Dale Worthy: Welcome back, Rangers fans. Dale Worthy here in the booth with Crissy Smith. It’s the end of the second period down on the ice and the Rangers lead the Oilers, 3-2.

Chrissy Smith: Our regular rinkside reporter Paul Hanley is out today on diaper duty. He and his lovely wife Joan welcomed their first child, a healthy future Rangers fan named Cole. Congrats to them.

Dale Worthy: Luckily, [Cut to split screen between Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith] Laslo Holmes who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG is filling in for Paul while he’s out. He’s down there rinkside now. How are you doing down there, Las?

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: In a word, cold. It’s very cold all around here. I’m just playing. I’m having fun here at the hockey game. Lots of fun hockey going on. Lots of white dudes on skates running into each other at full speed. I don’t get it. No, I’m just messing around. Very different from working at the Knicks games. Much colder.

[Cut to split screen with Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy]

Dale Worthy: Las, what’s your impression of the game so far?

Laslo Holmes: Well, Dale, the story of the game is one of the main guys on the Rangers, don’t know how to say his name. It has like thirty letters in it, none of them are vowels. He’s playing great which is crazy because he got in a full fistfight in the first minute of the game. But hey, as they say in hockey, let’s do that hockey. I miss the Knicks. I’m just kidding. Laslo Holmes, very cold, rickside, Rangers versus Oilers.

Dale Worthy: Now, Las, I wanna talk bout this Ranger offense.

Laslo Holmes: You should do that.

Dale Worthy: I meant with you, Las. Now, they came out of the box with an aggressive offense we haven’t seen from then in a while.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Chrissy Smith takes Dale Worthy’s place]

Chrissy Smith: From down there on the ice, who do you think really made a difference in the first period?

Laslo Holmes: Definitely the hockey players, Chrissy. They were the ones who got all the scores. Then you’ve got the goalie, wearing every pad in the world and a baseball glove. He’s working very hard too. It’s so cold here.

Chrissy Smith: Hey Las, I see one of the players there. I wonder if you could get a few questions in.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: Great. Um, let’s talk to him. [Skjei walks in] Come on over here, dude. Okay, I’m here with– can you turn around so I can get that name? [The jersey has ‘Skjei’ printed on it] Yes, that is S, a K and a J all next to each other. So, that’s a no. I’m here with my main man. And I got to know, in the next period, how are you going to do that hockey?

Skjei: Well, you know, we just got to keep up the pressure up and stay out of the box.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Skjei: And we’re going to watch the icing calls. Coach said we were icing so much we could open a bakery. Ha-ha-ha.

Laslo Holmes: I do not get that.

Skjei: Yeah. But we really just got to play smart and keep moving the puck and avoid those five minutes majors.

Laslo Holmes: This man has said it all. Let me ask, are you also cold as hell?

Skjei: Um, no. I’m kind of hot, actually.

Laslo Holmes: Yes. I’m very cold. So that’s the story here in hell. Back to you guys in the booth.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Well, the story of the game has been the power play. Here with a closer look is out play by play analyst Tim Hayward who joins Las, rinkside.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Hey, Chrissy. You said it, two of the three ranger goals came while the Oilers were shorthanded.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Tim Hayward: Let’s take a look at one now. [Cut to the replay of the game] Rangers on the power play here. We can stop that. There is Shattenkirk at the point. And watch Buchnevic find that open ice in the middle lane there.

Laslo Holmes: Um, and Dale and Chrissy, it was here when I saw something that was very interesting. Can we punch in on that. [Laslo Holmes zooms in to the audience. Kenan is rooting the the game.] There is a black hockey fan. He doesn’t look cold at all. So, I will be talking to him in the post game show and find out exactly what’s going on there.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Anyway, the Rangers scored a goal there. Dale, Chrissy, back to you.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Thanks Tim. Las, do you have any thoughts on if the coach is going to stick with his strategy of keeping those line changes pretty short?

Laslo Holmes: No.

Chrissy Smith: Alright. Well, thanks, Las.

[horn honking]

Dale Worthy: And there’s the horn. And you know what that means.

Laslo Holmes: I do not.

Dale Worthy: It’s time for the third period. We’ll check back in with Las later who will be covering every Rangers game for us while our regular rinkside commentator Paul is back from Paternity leave.

Chrissy Smith: Paul, we’ll see you in six months.

Laslo Holmes: Six months?

Dale Worthy: Third period starts now.

Laslo Holmes: When did we start doing paternity leave?

Chance-giving monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance The Rapper.

[Chance The Rapper walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so happy to be here hosting SNL. I’ve been here before as a musical guest, but this is the first time I’ve had to like, talk and stuff. So, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have anything to promote tonight. The only thing I’m here to celebrate is thanksgiving. And in that spirit, in that spirit of giving, I pledge to give $1 million to Chicago’s public schools. Thank you. Thank you. The only problem is, I talked to my accountant and I do not have it. So, I need to make some money very fast. But then I realized there’s no good thanksgiving songs. And you can make some serious cash off a holiday hit. Mariah Carey is at that tree lighting every year singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. And it’s not coz she loves giant trees. It’s coz she loves having a third assistant whose only job is to yell at her second assistant. [music playing] So, tonight, I want to become the Mariah Carey of thanksgiving. And I want my song to honor what’s truly special about this holiday, how it’s the one time a year you invite all of your relatives to dinner, even the ones you can’t stand. So to all you outcasts and wierdos in the family, this one’s for you.

[singing] It’s thanksgiving time
the one day a year
when you invite the folks
that you normally fear
it’s thanksgiving time
when you are forced to see
every single bad apple
on your whole family tree

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

Kate and Cecily: [singing] Yeah, you are technically related
but they don’t share you dreams

Chance The Rapper: They’re your cousin in laws
whatever that means

Kate and Cecily: They won’t be at your wedding
you don’t know their full name

Chance The Rapper: One is a failed magician
and the other’s just insane

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

It’s thanksgiving time
no one said it would be fun

[Leslie walks in with a bag, and shows Chance The Rapper a handgun]

like when your aunt Shavonne
showed you a gun

your niece is gonna cry
about how no one is woke
and that’s the exact time
your uncle decides to tell a Cosby joke

It’s thanksgiving time
so say goodbye to all the rules
your uncle brought his oxygen
and he’s chain smoking kools

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
they’re a total train wreck
but on this day
they gone get our respect

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

Chance The Rapper: And of course, we can’t forget the real heroes of thanksgiving , the turkeys. Can I get an amen?

[Cut to turkeys wearing priest robes]

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: I said, can I get an amen?

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: Can I get a drum-stick?

Turkies: Hell, no!

[Cut to Chance The Rapper]

Chance The Rapper: I tried. Come on.

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
and we’re all on one side
except for the turkeys
who are all gonna die

[Kate and Cecily walk away]

Chance The Rapper: It’s thanksgiving time
get out the carving knife
your uncle showed up with a woman
who is not his wife

And I apologize
for causing such a fuss
because now all your relatives are gonna say,
“Is that song about us?”

And you can tell them
you can tell them

[SNL cast joins Chance The Rapper on the stage]

All: It’s thanks giving time
it’s only one day a year
so just drink the red wine

and eight to ten beers.

and let everyone
and you crazy aunt to see
Chance The Rapper: Coz it’s stuffing and loving and cousins and ovens and belt notch and Justin.

All: It’s thanksgiving time.

[Music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Eminem is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?