Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- Dr. Wenowdis on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Colin Jost

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the FDA advisory panel voted to recommend emergency authorization of the Pfizer vaccine. Here to comment is Weekend Update’s resident medical expert Wayne

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis slides in]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Ae-yo! Hello.

Colin Jost: Hello, Dr. Wenowis. Great. Now, you are obviously a very distinguished member of your field.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: Yes. We’re so glad you’re here because people are really excited about the vaccine but they also have a lot of questions about it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. This is a first vaccine from Pfizer.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this.

Colin Jost: And it’s 95% effective?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um. We love this.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. There’s no major side effects?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, we’re horny for this.

Colin Jost: And the first doses are going to be delivered within days.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. We know this. We see this. We love this. We know this. We know this.

Colin Jost: Right. And just to clarify for the viewers, are you saying “We know this”? Or are you just sort of repeating your own name? Sort of like Pikachu?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: It’s a little bit of both, baby.

Colin Jost: Okay. I got you. Americans I think are wondering when they can get it and what the distribution will look like.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Okay. Listen to me. The thing about this vaccine. We know this that we have this. But everything else about the vaccine, who to get this, when we get this, how we get this, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Right. Then, even when we’re going to have the vaccine, the third American say they might not take it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Right. Right. In general we thought with this pandemic, we didn’t do good. It could have been better. But it actually could not have been worse. I don’t know how we do this but we blow this.

Colin Jost: Yes. You might be right. We always appreciate your insight, Dr. Wenodis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Thank you so much. But before I go, I give you the vaccine live on the air.

Colin Jost: Oh. I don’t know if I should be one of the first ones to get it.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, no. Come on. You’re so handsome.

Colin Jost: Okay, you’re right.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: [pulls out a huge injection without needle filled with water.] Come on vaccine. Oh! [sprays the water on Colin Jost’s face] Come on vaccine. It’s a vaccine. We got lots of vaccine.

Colin Jost: Kate? Are you okay?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: The answer is no.

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry to hear that.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I think what it is is I stopped going to therapy because I’m really bad on the phone. I do too many pauses. I told her, “Maybe every other week” and then I blocked her number. It’s just like the light at the end of the tunnel has showed us how stinky and bad the tunnel is. It’s like, how will the vaccine get to everybody? We don’t know this. Will we have enough? We don’t know this. Will life ever really go back to normal? This, we do not know this. But what we do know for certain, Colin, is that we know nothing.

Colin Jost: Kate, I know that it feels like it’s going to be forever.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Uh-huh. Yes.

Colin Jost: But as Florence as well as Machine once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” We’re going to get through this together.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re going to get what?

Colin Jost: We’re going to get through this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: Dr. Wenowdis

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We’re gonna get through this. We gotta get thorough this.

Weekend Update- Trump Loses Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Yesterday, Trump’s lawyer has opened another door on their advent calendar of losing as they had election lawsuits tossed in six different states proving once again that this administration will never stop fighting … except the coronavirus. In a psychotic onlyfans video this week, Trump said that this was a rigged election at the highest level. Dude, you’re the highest level. You are in charge when the election happened. And hey, look, I’ll believe any conspiracy you want as long as in 44 days, you leave. Okay? I will believe anything. That there were suitcases of hidden ballots. I’ll believe that the votes were counted illegally in Spain. Or this is a real theory, that North Koreans in ships dropped off ballots in Maine. Because you know, it’s easier for North Koreans to get to the east coast. Whatever you want us to believe, sir, I’m in. I see you. You is smart. You is kind. You is important. But you is need to go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC has recommended that the first people in the US to receive covid vaccines should be healthcare workers and residential nursing homes. While the first people to actually receive it will be guests at Colin and Scarlett’s holiday yacht party. I got mixed feelings on this vaccine. On one hand, I’m black. Naturally, I don’t really trust it. But on the other hand, I’m on a white TV show. So, I might actually get the real one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have all volunteered to film themselves getting shot of the covid vaccine. And to reach their target demos, Obama’s will air on MSNBC, Bush’s on Fox News and Clinton’s on Brazzers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what that is. It was reported that president Trump has been discussing the possibility of issuing a pre-emptive pardon for Jared Kushner. His price? One night with Kushner’s wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sources also say that Trump is considering giving a pre-emptive part into Rudy Giuliani, I assume for Rudy’s crime of murdering his own legacy. Giuliani as seen here emerging from the vat of chemicals he fell in to while fighting Batman, continued to strengthened his eventual sanity defense when he went to Michigan so push his voter fraud conspiracy theories. Yes, at one point in the hearing, Giuliani audibly farted. Which was somehow a high point in terms of dignity. if you haven’t seen it, have a listen.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani speaking in the court]

Rudy Giuliani: The answer that I gave you is they didn’t bother to interview a single [fart] witness. Just like you.\

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You gotta respect that he just kept going. Just a total pro. But you know that your election fraud theories are pretty dumb when even your butt is like, “Objection!”

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island COVID-19 Protests

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: On Wednesday, residents of Staten Island held a large rally outside Max Pub to protest restrictions on indoor dining. With more on this, Staten Island native, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you. It’s gonna be hard to follow that Giuliani fart. Thank you. Yeah, I saw the protest. People were outside the bar shouting about freedom, taunting the cops, chanting that they should arrest the governor, but it’s Staten Island. So, I assume that it was just like a typical last call.

Speaker Colin Jost: Are you against these protests?

Speaker Pete Davidson: I mean, kind of, but I’m also just happy I’m no longer the first thing people think of when they say, “What’s the worst thing about Staten Island.”

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not true. People like you.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. But not in the right way. I don’t get to host the Emmy’s like you and Che. But I did just find out there’s an Etsy store selling Pete Davidson Vibrators. Yeah, how weird is that? You can buy a vibrator with my face on it for $15 or one without my face for $20. I don’t even get a cut of the sales. Now I know how Chappelle feels.

Speaker Colin Jost: Back to the pub. What exactly were they protesting?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Well, the bar shockingly is in a neighborhood with the second highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they’re supposed to let people eat or drink outside. The owner said no one wants to do that because they’ll go out of business. But the argument that people in Staten Island don’t want to drink outside can be disproven by going to literally any little league game. One guy at the protest even gave a speech where he literally compared not being able to drink indoors to being Jewish during the holocaust which must have been awkward for the people there who had to suddenly pretend they believed in the holocaust.

Speaker Colin Jost: So, i take it that you found these protest frustrating.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, man. That make it us look like babies. You know it’s bad when even people in Boston are like, “Ah! Drink it home, you queers!”

Speaker Colin Jost: Do you think the people should stay at home until the pandemic gets better?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Everyone wants to go have fun. There’s plenty of stuff you could do at home. Like, use your official Pete Davidson Vibrator.

Speaker Colin Jost: I didn’t realize it was official now.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. I just decided it was. It’s a quality item and it’s weirdly accurate. How did they know how white it is?

Speaker Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess just a lucky guess. You said that you were staying home. Do you have any plans for the holiday?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Actually, yes. I’m doing this online table read of “It’s a wonderful life for charity.” It’s with a bunch of other actors I love too. I get to play George Bailey. Then we’ll stream it online to raise money.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s really great, Pete.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, you would think. Yeah. You should tell that to the thousands of people on Twitter who are extremely angry about it. Why are they so mad that I’m doing a little online table read of “It’s a wonderful life”? It’s an old timey film about a guy who is suicidal. I’m famously depressed and have the complexion of someone in a black and white movie. I get it, if it was an actual movie remake of “It’s a wonderful life”, yeah, I’d be an odd casting choice. It would be like, rebooting “The God Father” with Post Malone. Yeah, he’ll make you an offer you can’t understand.

Speaker Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Speaker Pete Davidson: Buy one. Get over it.

 

Weekend Update- Melania’s Christmas Decorations, Hamilton Returns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Christmas decoration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Melania Trump revealed that the theme of this year’s White House Christmas decoration is “America the beautiful” which is a big change from her previous theme “Eyes wide shut.” [picture changes to Melania Trump’s last year’s decoration.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, there was a full moon known as the beaver moon, which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.

Michael Che: That’s a goo joke.

[picture changes to a picture of Hamilton show]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that producers for the broadway hit Hamilton are planning to reopen the show on July 4th. Hopefully with some god damn white actors this tome!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Drake and a candle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And unfortunately, so had DJ Khaled.

[Picture changes to a news articles saying ‘Doctor removes magnetic beads from 5 year old.]

Doctors in China removed more than a 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a 5 year old boy. Wow. Wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a horse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. [picture changes to Arby’s burger]

[Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we eat the horse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 102 year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Poland at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Old Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Movie theaters in many parts of the country have been unable to operate fully since March. Here to comment is teem movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey at the Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks shy.]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey. It’s good to see you. It has been a while.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, Michael Che missed me. Creepy.

Michael Che: Alright, Bailey. So, since most theaters are closed, what have you been watching?

Bailey Gismert: Well, since I can’t watch news, my dad’s been making me watch super old movies.

Michael Che: That’s kind of awesome. What did you watch? “Casablanca”, “Citizen Kane”?

Bailey Gismert: Um, try like, “Forrest Gump”.

Michael Che: That’s not that old.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, so, we like, watched “Forrest Gump” and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that anymore. Like, Bubba, Jenny and Forrest hook up? That’s a gray area, Michael. Also, did you know Tom Hanks used to have a problem? I’ve only ever seen him as David S. Pumpkins, but seeing him when he was young, like, he has overcome a lot.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. That’s a character. Tom Hanks is just acting.

Bailey Gismert: What? You can’t do that anymore, Michael. Like, he’s doing the voice and everything. Like, they should have casted actual Forrest Gump, if you know what I mean, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let’s just move on. Did you watch any other movies?

Bailey Gismert: Yeah. We saw all the 90’s best pictures. The next one was “American Beauty”, and you just can’t do that anymore, Michael.

Michael Che: Right. Because of Kevin Spacey.

Bailey Gismert: No. Like, plastic bags, Michael. They’re just watching it circle around and– It could strangle a duck, Michael.

Michael Che: Okay, got it. Did you watch any best pictures you liked?

Bailey Gismert: Yes. “The silence of the lambs” was cool. I wasn’t like, laugh out loud funny but there were really some funny moments for sure.

Michael Che: Really? What was your favorite part?

Bailey Gismert: I guess like, Buffalo Bill the [mumbling]

Michael Che: Buffalo Bill the serial killer? Do you like him, Bailey?

Bailey Gismert: Stop. Stop. I know you’re like, 45 , but shut up.

Michael Che: I’m not.

Bailey Gismert: I don’t like Buffalo Bill. Yeah. So, he’s a dog dad and his dancing is fire, but I don’t like him.

Michael Che: Well, good. Because he’s a serial killer.

Bailey Gismert: In your opinion. Just like, don’t tell me I like him because Buffalo Bill loves the chase.

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not. Stop! Urgh! Oh my god. Stop. I’m just like, running on fumes. I know around here it’s an election year and the nation is watching or whatever. But you’re never in sketches. So, you barely work. But I’m like, overwhelmed. I nailed my choir solo. So now, there’s a target on my back. I had to sell my mom’s masks. And top of all that, next week I have to drink a bunch of milk.

Michael Che: Why do you have to do that?

Bailey Gismert: I’m a lady Santa. It’s 2020, Michael.

Michael Che: Well, Bailey, I’m glad you’re still doing what you’re doing.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. If you’re as hungry for my ass as Michael, make sure you smash that subscribe button below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t online.

Bailey Gismert: Yeah, I know. I can’t even find SNL on Netflix. You know that’s bad, right?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump said he’s moving forward with legal challenges to vote counter cross the country. Here to comment is the man leading the chart, his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

[Rudy Giuliani slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Rudy Giuliani: Wow! Wow! Wow! Look at that. If it ain’t De Blasio and Dinkins. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah. I get it. Hi, Rudy. Thanks so much for being here.

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Good times. Did you see my press conference today? It was at the Four Seasons. Fancy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It sounds fancy but it was at a landscaping company called Four Seasons. Was that a mistake?

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the show on time because first I went to 30 rocks. That’s a granite quarry in new Rochelle. What a night.

Colin Jost: Okay. Rudy. So, the president said he will be mounting some legal challenges to a lot of the votes out there. What is your strategy to do that?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen, man. I got tons of strategies, okay? First, we’re going to throw out bogus mail in ballots. Colin, these ballots, they could be coming from Mars.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. That is a real thing that you really did say.

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. So, we’re going to demand that we look at all the names. If the name is Meatthorpe Zandar and the address is Mars, we’re gonna get those ballots thrown out. Plus, we got no idea if they really are ballots. They might be tortillas. We’re going to eat them and see if they’re tortillas. If my butt blows after I eat it, you know that’s a tortillas.

Colin Jost: That sounds like a great process. Now, your team, they want to get more poll watchers in there to make sure they’re counting is happening correctly.

Rudy Giuliani: Exactly. We’re going to go in there. We’re going to get our poll watchers so close, we’re going to get this close. [Rudy Giuliani climbs on Colin Jost’s chair] See? This is legally close. Nuts on back, that’s where a poll watcher out to be.

Colin Jost: Why are they so hot? Aside from the count, what actual legal recourse do you have to challenge these results?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen to this. In Michigan, we demanded a recount. In Wisconsin, we have demanded a de-count. We call back season in Nevada, we got safety in Arizona and in Georgia, opposite day. Plus, we’re going to demand that I do the recount personally and our silver bullet is, I can’t count very high. Also, we’re suing all the states we lost.

Colin Jost: You’re suing all the states? For what?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Child support? Man slaughter? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Rudy. I gotta say. It just sounds like Trump got fewer votes which is what pollsters predicted.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay, okay. The pollsters were all lying. Pollsters get paid to lie to people. They’re always saying like, “Hey, baby. I’m cinnamon, but my real name is Britney. Shh. Don’t tell them I told you.” And then you find out her name ain’t Britney.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you talking about strippers?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. Strippers. Pollsters. What do you call them?

Colin Jost: Look. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this but you lost. So what is your plan– [Rudy Giuliani puts his head on the table] Rudy, what is your plan next just for yourself?

Rudy Giuliani: Listen to me. I will be fine. I always land on my feet up side down from the ceiling. I will move back to the city that made me. Hey, New York, daddy’s home. You miss me?

[he gets hit by a cabbage]

Oh, salad? It’s that famous New York lettuce. God, I love this town. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m off to the Peninsula.

Colin Jost: Oh, Peninsula, the hotel?

Rudy Giuliani: No. The Yucatan. You never saw me.

Colin Jost: Rugy Giuliani, everyone.

Rudy Giuliani: Taxi?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Biden Wins 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, I don’t know if anyone noticed or not but Joe Biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States. Yes, and this is what happen when people in New York heard that Donald Trump was defeated.

[cut to video clips of people in New York City celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.]

[cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And this is Trump’s home town. Can you imagine you get fired from your job, you go back home and everyone in your own house is like, “Boo. You suck.” But you know what they say. “Only in New York.” What’s that? Oh, it wasn’t only in New York? Oh.

[cut to video clips people in different US cities celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.]

[cut to London and Paris celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat.]

[cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god! That’s real. Do you know how bad you have to be for Paris to ring church bells when you lose? They didn’t even do that for the real Hunchback’s funeral. The whole world is celebrating like World War II just ended. And I know this isn’t really the same as defeating the Nazis but it did end with a fascist leader hiding in a bunker.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump golfing underground.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump has reportedly said to allies that he will have to be dragged out of the White HOuse kicking and screaming. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey and takes a sip] Good. You know, ever since Biden won, everything I was worried about or mad about just sort of faded away. I mean the problem’s is still there but remember that “Shawshank” scene when the dudes are drinking beer on the roof. They were still in prison, but for one day, everything just felt okay? That’s how I feel now. And I’m so relieved because if Trump won, I thought there’d be a race war and Colin, you don’t know this but me and my friends were going to kidnap you. I rented a big old fridge and everything. It was a good plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Well, would I go in the fridge?

Michael Che: The box.

Colin Jost: By the way, I just want to point out how crazy it is that it’s already Saturday and the only candidate who’s conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality than you do. Trump has filed several lawsuits demanding recounts alleging voter fraud. I just want to point something out real quick. Remember in 2016 when he lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million? He blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well, this time he’s going to lose by 5 million votes which by his own logic means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants and they all voted for Biden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pro-Trump demonstration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, there’s been a few counter demonstrations in red states like Texas and Arkansas and I just want the white republicans to look on the bright side. You still got Joe Biden. I mean, he’s not the old white guy that you want, but he’s still wold white guy. Is it that different? You wanted Gordita crunch and  you got a Chalupa, big deal. What are you so afraid that Joe Biden is going to do? Free the slaves again? Hey, Colin, did you know my tie was a clip-on? I’ve been wanting to say that all year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The aftermath now for Trump’s campaign is really funny to me because normally when you lose a campaign, you wonder what went wrong. Was my messaging on the economy off? But for Trump, it’s like, “Huh, maybe I shouldn’t have openly taunted the dead hero of the state I needed to win.” “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone Erie, Pennsylvania and said this of Erie, Pennsylvania.”

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Before the plague came in, I had it made. I wasn’t coming to Erie. I mean, I have to be honest. There was no way I was coming. I didn’t have to.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And personally, I also wouldn’t have sprayed my own supporters with covid at my rallies. But hey, that’s just me. The most important thing about Donald Trump losing this election is that pretty soon, we will never have to listen to Donald Trump again. We may want to listen sometimes for entertainment, just like we might want to slow down to get a better look at a burning car. But we don’t have to. Before Trump was president, no one ever cared what he said. No one was ever like, “I wonder what the least successful real estate developer in New York thinks about this?” And three months, Trump will just be another guy yelling conspiracy theories in the background. And then we can treat him like this reporter did today with a crazy dude behind him.

[Cut to a video clip of a reporter during live telecast. There is a guy behind him and he is talking to him.]

Reporter: How you doing, pal?

Guy: How are you doing, man? Is this a real news or fake news?

Reporter: Fuck off!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Weekend Update- Trump’s Final 2020 Election Message

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, the election guys, it’s three days away. And after all this time, Trump I think has finally found a winning message.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from covid. You know that, right?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s our president recently saved by doctors saying doctors want more covid for money. Which makes me think Trump only survive covid so he wouldn’t have to pay his doctors. Unfortunately, Trump’s gaslighting isn’t quite enough to keep you warm because multiple Trump supporters who were stranded at a freezing cold rally in Nebraska were hospitalized with hypothermia. I assume because Trump told them that jackets don’t work. But don’t worry, the president isn’t trying to kill his supporters. He’s actually succeeding at killing his supporters. According to a study, over 30,000 covid cases and 700 deaths have been tied directly to Trump rallies. That means he’s officially killed more people across the midwest than Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy combined. Which is also kind of what Trump looks like. In the end, I guess that Trump was right, that he is not a typical politician since politicians don’t typically spend the last week of the election murdering their own voters.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lil’ Wayne at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lil’ Wayne met with President Trump this week to discuss Trump’s fubu platinum plan for the black community. I don’t know what it’s actually called. Many are surprised by Lil’ Wayne’s endorsements of Trump but keep in mind, Lil’ Wayne puts cough syrup in his sprite. So… Look, it’s weird that I have to tell politicians this but rappers are not black leaders. They’re just rappers. Stop negotiating with them. They only do this with black people. I’ve never saw a candidate talking to Gilbert Godfrey about what to do in Israel. That’d be insulting, right? Plus, rappers are just way too busy to be leaders anyway. I love Ice Cube, but you know how many jobs he has on top of negotiating for black people? You know why Malcolm and Martin were such great leaders? Because they weren’t also working on BarberShop4.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and a map of Georgia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, The Voice. [Picture changes to the musical show ‘The Voice’.]

[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

Jared Kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral, Jared said Monday that black Americans have to want to help themselves if they want to be successful. Yeah, I don’t know if I trust a guy who thinks the black experience is the highest tier in American Express.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a check-box with “vote” written on it at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Hey, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this election. The tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s going to be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair. You just married Scarlett Johansson and I just bought an electric bike. We’re both doing equally great. I feel like the band on the Titanic. Everything’s just going bad and I’m up here trying to do jokes like, “”Hey, did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?”

Colin Jost: Wait, what about the constipated accountant?

Michael Che: Oh. He couldn’t budge it. So, he had to work it out with a pencil. It’s a kid’s joke. You never heard that? Alright, whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Now, again guys, the election is only three days and I’m a little worried. Mainly because of that Che’s joke. But all I think and believe is that we cannot do another four years of Trump. It is too much. Everyday, I wake up after two hours of sleep and I google “America still democracy?” Even if you like Trump, at this point, you have to be exhausted. Remember that friend you had who at 4AM would be like, “Yeah, where are we going next?” And you’re like, “This is fun, but if I keep hanging out with this dude, I’m gonna die.” Right now, it feels like Trump wants us all to do another bump from whatever he’s got from his muppet doctor and just sort of see where the night takes us. I don’t know about you guys, but I think this time I am calling a designated driver. [picture changes to Joe Biden] And I just really hope he also brings this guy with him.

[Cut to a video clip of Barack Obama scoring a 3 pointer in basketball.]

Barack Obama: That’s what I do.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Season 2 of The Mandalorian

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: In a break from election news, season 2 of “The Mandolorian” premiered on Disney Plus on Friday. Here to discuss it is the star of the show, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: I’m back. What?

Michael Che: Wow. Well, it’s really good to see you, Baby Yoda. How have you been?

Baby Yoda: I’ve been good. I spent the summer quarantining with my homies Jake Paul, Mia Khalifa and Wreck-It Ralph. Nice dude. Real nice dude. But you know, it was chill. I mean, I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Well, that’s good. “The Mandolorian” is back. That’s pretty exciting. Sounds like it’s going to be a good season.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. But shout out to the writers. I mean they mad awkward to be around. But they come up with some Fuego ideas, bro. I just wish they’d let me dance a little more. You know what I’m saying? Like, [dancing] hey, hey.

Michael Che: Yeah. It doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

Baby Yoda: No. The idea is no. But to my fans, I love y’all. For real. But some of y’all can maybe take it easy on those DMs though. I mean I read some of these. I’m like, “Dang! You wanna do what to Baby Yoda?” You know, that’s all– that’s interesting. They’re sexual in nature, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I got that. Well, it sounds like you’re definitely a fan favorite.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. You know, things are kind of blowing up. You might have heard me on a Joe Rogan’s podcast. Talking about my new line of cannabis products. That was a chill five hours.

Michael Che: Oh, damn. Baby Yoda, you really do smoke weed?

Baby Yoda: Oh, hell yeah. Hey, how do you think I got so green? No, but for real, we selling them Dago-bud, Wookie Cookies, and CBD kombucha called Jabba the Kombucha.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. It’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: But Michael, since I have this platform, I do want to say something real quick.

Michael Che: By all means.

Baby Yoda: I’ma put it like this. Baby Groot, we ain’t friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to say your TikToks are cringe, bro. Dylan Sprouse hit me up like, “Yo, you see this?” I was like, “Yup.” But honestly, it’s all love. I’m not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I’ll kill you.

Michael Che: Wow. Baby Yoda, everyone. Oh my god.

Weekend Update- Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed & Halloween Robot

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Twitter logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter is launching a program to ‘pre-bunk’ misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know. They taught us in health class that even ‘pre-bunk’ can get you pregnant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says ‘Confirmed by senate along party lines’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow. The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. Party lines is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panera Bread logo and a pizza at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to it’s menu, which is a kind of fun story your aunt would have posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Department logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New York city police officer was suspended after he used his loud to yell “Trump 2020”. According to NYPD guidelines, Cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out. I thought that was a fun one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bud Light seltzers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But Light has introduced new flavors of it’s hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp, peppermint paddy and ginger snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light peppermint paddy. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light peppermint paddy at home by combining Scope and Vodka.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron Jeremy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Prosecutors have seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But, if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “man builds robot to hand out candy”.]

Colin Jost: And guys, a man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The sex offender loophole 3000”. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.