Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- The Village People on Donald Trump Using Their Music

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, if you’ve been watching the Trump rallies, you’ve probably noticed Trump dancing to the village people. If you haven’t, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump dancing during his rally.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Yeah, it’s wonderful. So, here now with a message in response to Donald Trump are the village people.

[music playing]

[Village people walk in to the set dancing]

Kenan: [singing] Stop it, yeah I’m talking to you
I said stop it, this is long over due
because we never said that we support you
you must pay us to use our songs

Donald, because of all your lies
we’re playing hardball and we got a surprise
he’s a lawyer who you might recognize
he is Alan Dershowitz
He’s gonna send you a cease and desist
get ready for a cease and desist
Alan knows where you been, yeah he knows what you’ve seen
on that island with Epstein

[Colin Jost stands]

Colin Jost: Hey, hey, hey. [music stops] Hold on. You can’t just say that.

Kenan: What? I mean, why? It’s just music, man. We’ll just sing it.

Colin Jost: No, because that’s a really serious allegation. Also, isn’t Alan Dershowitzz for Trump?

Kenan: Oh, he flipped.

Colin Jost: And do all of you feel the sam way about this? I mean you’re all from different walks of life, right?

All: Yes.

Kenan: I mean it’s kind of complicated. You see…

[music playing]

[singing] The soldier said that you let him down
and the gay man said you don’t want him around
and the native is sick with covid-Colin Jost9
only the construction workers still believes

[the construction worker with them is wearing a MAGA t-shirt]

Although he is only one man
he must comply with all of our demands
so we voted and came up with a plan,
we will strike at any moment
I promise you we will shave Ivanka’s head
you’re damn right we’re gonna shave Ivanka’s head
we’ll set up a fake salon, yeah it won’t be that hard
and she’ll look like a leprechaun

[Colin Jost stands again]

Colin Jost: Hey! Hey! Stop. Wait. You’re saying you’re going to shave Ivanka’s head? You can’t just say that. That’s gotta be a felony.

Kenan: Hey, man. Everything is legal if you sing it in a song.

Colin Jost: That’s not true. Village People everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on How to Quarantine Alone

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Many Americans are preparing to quarantine again this winter. Here to offer her tips on quarantining alone is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. [cheers and applause] Hey, nice suit.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Melissa. We’re all back at work now. But before that, you spend most of quarantine by yourself, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Wow, Colin, way to throw it in my face. I say nice suit and you say “You’re always alone.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sorry. That was pretty harsh. Sorry, Melissa.

Melissa Villaseñor: It’s okay. It’s alright. But you’re right, though. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t super fun all the time. Like, at first, all I wanted to do was watch silly stupid stuff. So, I found that old show ‘The Little Rascals’. Colin, would laugh so hard, I couldn’t make out a single word they were saying. They sounded like this. “[gibberish] Oh, no. [gibberish] hamburger.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. All I understood was hamburger.

Melissa Villaseñor: I was like, “Man, it must have been so fun to be a little rascal. Then I looked it up. It was not very fun to be a little rascal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s a bummer to look into. Yeah.

Melissa Villaseñor: You know what always cheers me up though? Exercising. One day I was doing a wall sit for a whole minute. I don’t mean to brag. Then I sneezed like this. [squeaky voice like she is getting ready to sneeze] All my gamers out there know what sounds like, right? Link from Zelda. So I’m sitting there, legs on fire, sneezing like Link doing somersaults. And then, I peed a little. It happens, you know? It was funny. You should have been there.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, really bummed I missed it.

Melissa Villaseñor: I also got pretty creative. I remember I saw that TikTok of that guy skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac. So I thought I’d recreate it myself, you know? But instead of cranberry juice, I was holding my cat Ella. So, I’m skateboarding, holding Ella, singing to her.

[singing] Now here you pour again
you say you want your dinner
wait I don’t know how to skateboard
I’m falling down into a creek
oh, no, I peed again.

Colin Jost: Wow, again, huh?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. I’m glad you weren’t there for that one. But Colin, I couldn’t have gone through quarantine without relaxing music. And my favorite is Sia. Because she always sounds like she’s bumbled up and cozy in bed. Right? Just…

[singing] Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, [yawning] push it down

Come on, Sia. Start the day!

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I wanna tickle my friends again.

Weekend Update- Jeffrey Toobin Zooms & Mitch McConnell’s Hands

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Toobin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended after getting caught masturbating on a Zoom call. And he’s from the New Yorker, so you know that jerk was dry as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Whatever, man. I stand by it.

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here after physically fighting with death, did not answer questions about bruises and bandages seen on his face and hand saying there were no concerns. By the way, ‘no concerns’ is what McConnell whispers when he sees a baby stroller rolling down hill into on coming traffic.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Popeyes chicken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Popeyes chicken announced that they’re bringing back cajun style turkeys for thanksgiving. It’s a red piece of good news for people who spent thanksgiving at Popeyes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nasa logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nasa has announced plans to put a full 4G cellphone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your earth phone.

[Picture changes to Elton John]

Mattel announced plans for an Elton John themed barbie doll. “Finally”, said Ken. [Picture changes to the Ken doll]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Phil Collins at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The ex wife of singer Phil Collins has allegedly occupied their Miami mansion and hired armed guards to protect it. In the mean time, Collins is staying at a nearby stu-stu-studio apartment.

[picture changes to a boar]

Residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican. But it’s like they say, nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a clock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: German researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an even to begin and end. The event finished so quickly, scientists have named it “Che”. [Picture changes to Michael Che.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Nelly will be appearing on a new line of Budweiser cans, right under the word ‘missing’.

Weekend Update- Final Presidential 2020 Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of final presidential debate at left top corner.]

Well, the final presidential debate took place on Thursday and the actual CNN headline after was, “Trump behaved more like a regular person.” That’s not a description of a president. It’s like the description of a robot from ‘West World’. This debate was so frustrating to watch. Did anyone else find themselves yelling lines at the screen that they wish Biden had said? Like when Trump talked about how good he has been for the stock market, it was like, “Joe, the stock market when you were vice president went up four times higher than Trump’s stock market. You have the ball. You’re standing above the rim. Why will you not dunk it?” Or when Trump said that Biden is all talk and no action, why didn’t Biden just say, “Bitch, show us your taxes, show us the vaccine, show us the wall and show us what prison you locked Hillary in?” Truly, it was like Biden had an open field running for a touchdown and then this happened.

[Cut to a video clip of a football game where a player is running for a touch down far from everybody else, but then he falls down and gets caught.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump claimed that he was the least racist person in the room which is only something the most racist person in the room would say. You never hear Martin Luther King say, “I’m the least racist.” Nobody is expecting you to be the least racist. I’d just settle for ‘not so racist anymore.’ When you lie that big, it makes you look more guilty. Like, when my uncle told me he doesn’t get high anymore while he was holding my TV. I hate that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You also know politics in 2020 is stupid when some of the best investigative journalism is being done by Borat. Rudy Giuliani is denying he did anything wrong after a controversial scene in the new Borat movie in which he’s alone in a hotel room with a female reporter, puts his hands down his pants and appears to start touching himself. Unfortunately we can’t show you the video. Not because it violates standards, but because anyone who watches it dies in seven days.

Giuliani defended himself by explaining that he had to lay down on the bed to tuck in his shirt. Which I think is an actual punchline to a “Yo mama’s so fat” joke.

[Cut o Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rates of coronavirus are spiking in almost every state as country braces for a possible third peak. But are we actually bracing though? Because the first time, people would have night fight over lysol and toilet paper, and now people are back to just eating buffalo wings outside just licking on their fingers. It’s gross. Am I the only one still terrified by this? Remember when Tom Hanks got it like, five years ago/six months ago? And we all sat there teary eye thinking we might lose Forest Gump? Now a whole football team gets sick and they just move the game. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It has been a really weird week and I really, really thought the president was going to die.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama giving speech for Biden at left top side.]

Colin Jost: Former president Barack Obama was also back on the campaign throughout this week. It was jarring to see. Obama’s presidency seemed so long ago, it’s easy to forget he’s 15 years younger than either of the candidates. You know who else is younger than the current candidates? The guys we elected in the years 2000 and 1992. Is it just me or is that insane? This election is equivalent of a baseball team giving a four year deal to Willie Mays now.

Your Voice Chicago

Louis Tibbs… Kenan Thompson

Jamele Demmings… Issa Rae

Lisa Crowder… Ego Nwodim

D’Angelo Banks… Chris Redd

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Caviar… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Your Voice Chicago intro]

[Cut to J. Louis Tibbs in his set]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Good morning. It’s your boy Chicago. I am J. Louis Tibbs coming to you on this Sunday at 7:30 AM. Right before a two hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak in. Joining me to talk local politics, our lead council for Chicago’s in AACP Jamele Demmings and a freelance writer for the Root, Lisa Crowder. Now, there’s so much talk about the national election. But today, we focus on the local candidates.

Lisa Crowder: Which are so important. Representation begins at the street level.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Indeed. Indeed. So, Jamele, any strategy that you’re using to vet some of these candidates?

Jamele Demmings: Louis, I’ll be honest. I’m voting for everybody black.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Everybody black?

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. For too long, our people’s voices have not been heard. It’s our duty to stand together and take out power back.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I hear you.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Representation matters. So, let’s first look at cook county’s third district where four time incumbent Frank Polaski is running against 29 year old lawyer, Charlotte Raines. Now, Charlotte has no experience in politics.

Jamele Demmings: Which is exactly why we need her. This is what I’m talking about. New voices. It’s the only way any change will happen.

Lisa Crowder: Okay, I like that. You bet on black, girl.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Looks like we got out favorite there. Let’s go to district J. Louis Tibbs0 which features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott Trebor is running against Rashad Carter.

Jamele Demmings: A billionaire? Now, see, how can someone who’s so rich know anything about us? Okay? Money corrupts the whole system.

  1. Louis Tibbs: No. Actually, Rashad Carter is the billionaire. He owns a software company.

Jamele Demmings: Hmm. And I find that so inspiring. We need more entrepreneurs like that. We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community.

Lisa Crowder: Look, at least he pays his taxes.

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. I gotta go with the democrat on this one.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, Scott Trebor is the democrat. Rashad Carter is libertarian.

Jamele Demmings: Which is what I like about him. He’s an independent thinker.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay, great. Let’s go to the city comp patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent candidate, Reverend D’Angelo Banks. [Reverend D’Angelo Banks looks like a rapper and he’s posing like one.]

Lisa Crowder: No, sorry. I knew this man in elementary school. for some reason, he had a dukie stain on his shoulder. So, he’s a pastor now?

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, he has only been a reverend for eight months. And he has no church. He says that god has got him ‘on their way’. Let’s take a look at one of his recent Town Halls.

[Cut to reverend D’Angelo Banks speaking in his Town Hall. He is alone.]

D’Angelo Banks: Ay, to the man. Yes friends, the rumors are true. I spent money on a lot of strippers. But, you have to understand that was only because I owned a chain of strip clubs. But I put that life behind me right after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud, hallelujah. Outlaw masturbation, I don’t love it. Amen.

[Cut back to the studio]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Looks like their town hall took place outside of a dry cleaners. Alright, do we like reverent Banks?

Jamele Demmings: Absolutely.

Lisa Crowder: Oh, come on. He just said he committed tax fraud. The comptroller handles the city’s money.

Jamele Demmings: Which is perfect. He knows the system and all the loopholes. It’d be like hiring Wesley Snipes to do your taxing.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Let’s go over to district 6 where the district’s first Asian representative Daniel Lee is running against a conservative online duo that was featured on Fox News and recently spoke at the CPAC convention, Crystal and Caviar.

Lisa Crowder: I actually didn’t know it was legal to run as a team.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Oh, it’s not. Either way, their newest live stream video came out today. Why don’t we take a look.

[Cut to Crystal and Caviar’s video]

Crystal: The media is always putting out fake news.

Caviar: Always!

Crystal: They say our president lied.

Caviar: Come on!

Crystal: Well, he is not a liar.

Caviar: Well, sometimes he just exaggerates.

Crystal: Um-hmm. And they say we have to wear a mask in the grocery store.

Caviar: No!

Crystal: But I don’t need a mask coz I am blessed. [music playing]

Crystal and Caviar: [rapping] The mask is death, the mask is death
can’t go all day smelling my own breath

[Cut back to the studio]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Jamele, your thoughts on Crystal and Caviar?

Jamele Demmings: Give me a minute.

Lisa Crowder: I’m sorry, but these two have absolutely no way–

Jamele Demmings: Wait! I got it. Stay with me. These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in politics, right?

Lisa Crowder: I guess.

Jamele Demmings: Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now. We want someone who’s been out there working in the real world.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, both Crystal and Caviar are unemployed.

Jamele Demmings: Which is why we need to give them jobs as state representatives. Lift them up.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I’m lifting. But sometimes, it’s hard.

  1. Louis Tibbs: It’s actually not that hard. Now, we take a break, when we come back, we’ll talk about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Kanye West.

Jamele Demmings: Kanye? F him!

Weekend Update- Trump Rallies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

This week, president Trump held more coronavirus giveaways across the country as part of his ‘Herd Immunity Tour’. He started in Florida and showed off how healthy his brain is saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: They say I’m immune. I feel so powerful.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Nothing says “I’m off steroids” like screaming “I feel so powerful.” Like sloth from ‘The Goonies’. Then at a rally in Pennsylvania, he told the mostly maskless crowd that they would all beat the coronavirus together. Said the crowd, “Yeah, but you don’t have it anymore, right?” Then at a rally in Georgia, a congressman literally crowd-surfed on the second wave of corona and yet, somehow, Trump seems to think that he could lose this election. Listen to this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life. What am I going to do? I’m going to say I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics. I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country. I don’t know.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Besides, I should point out, no other country would accept you because you come from America which has way too many COVID cases. Though, I have to say, would be very satisfying if this all ends with Donald Trump becoming an illegal immigrant. And to whatever country gets Trump, I just want to apologize because we’re not sending our best or a breast.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Town Hall interview of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NBC held a Town Hall even with President Trump because, what can I say? We have a type. Who are these Town Halls even for? I mean, who’s still on fence about this election? Whether you’re voting for Trump or Biden, you’ve made up your mind a long time ago and you’re probably not thrilled about it. These choices are so bad that Kanye is running and people are like, “Maybe?” That wouldn’t happen if we had actual good candidates. I mean, Imagine if Kennedy lost to Nixon because Wisconsin went to little Richard. Alright, whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Sculley at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: C-SPAN suspended host Steve Sculley after he admitted to false claiming that his Twitter account was hacked. Wow, just more juicy drama from those messy bitches at C-SPAN.

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Giuliani manipulated by Russian intelligence’.]

According to Insiders, US intelligence agency warned the White House last year that Rudy Giuliani was the target of the influence operation by Russian Intelligence. I’m actually more worried about Russian Intelligence if their plan was to rely on the American Mr. Bean. Counting on Rudy to carry out your secret mission is like handing your grocery list to your dog. It was also revealed that after President Trump was warned that Rudy was being fed misinformation by the Russians, Trump just shrugged the shoulders and said, “That’s Rudy!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week President Trump also refused to condemn the conspiracy group QANON saying, “I know nothing about QANON”, which come on, how can you not know about QANON? You’re on Twitter all day. That means like if I’d say I know nothing about Lexington Steel. He has probably just never heard the word QANON out loud before. I bet when he got home, he was like, “Oh, you meant Canyon? I love those dudes!”

Weekend Update- Top Halloween Costumes & Grocery Store Racism

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Halloween costumes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to Google, the top Halloween costume searches this year are for witch, dinosaur and Harley Quinn. Or you can combine all three by going as Kellyanne Conway. [Picture changes to Kellyanne Conway]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Lieutenant governor’s wife called racist slur” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania’s Lieutenant Governor claims that she was called a racist slur while at the grocery store. It was the worst case of racism at the grocery story since every jar of Newman’s Own Salsa.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “21 year old lemur stolen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police reported that someone stole a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur from the San Francisco zoo. And for reference, this is what a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur looks like. [Picture changes to Timothée Chalamet]

Colin Jost: While voters across the country right now are making their final election decisions, we’ve sent our own Aidy Bryant to check in with real voters out there in heart land in our new segment Aidy in America.

[Cut to Aidy in America intro]

Aidy, how is it going out there.

Aidy: Not good, Colin. It’s going pretty bad.

[Aidy is in a farm with only animals.]

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Where are you?

Aidy: Um, I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, have you spoken to any undecided voter?

Aidy: No, I have not. Haven’t found a single one yet. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy in America outro]

Michael Che: Fisher Price has launched an online museum showcasing it’s toys over the past 90 years. Or you can see them in person that America’s most famous toy museum The Neverlan Ranch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Deep voiced men more likely to cheat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new research, a man with deeper voices are more likely to cheat on their partners. [speaking in deep voice] But you can’t believe scientists, baby.

Michael Che: Is that voice black face?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Reported homeless man” at right top corner.]

Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue which was a huge relief because they shot it 15 times.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s getting worse. A woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was about her being baptized.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of two people with KKK hood on at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Almost a 100 art industry figures have criticized four different museum plans to postpone exhibits featuring an artist’s paintings of the KKK. But if you want to see portraits of clansmen, you can always search Jost on ancestry.com. Okay, whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chicken claw sandwich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: That’s a laughing too much to that. A restaurant at San Francisco selling a fried chicken sandwich that includes a chicken’s claw. Not to be outdone, KFC just announced the ‘beaks only bucket’.

Weekend Update- Famous 80’s Cocaine Wife Carla on NYC Nightlife

Michael Che

Carla… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York city bars and clubs have been closed for seven months due to the pandemic. Here to comment of the state of night life industry is famous 80’s cocaine wife, Carla.

[Carla slides in]

Carla: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: I’m great, Carla.

Carla: Yeah? You good? How’s the family? How’s Kate? She good? Kenan? Oh, you know Kenan makes me laugh, Michael. He makes me laugh.

Michael Che: Yeah, they’re good. Everybody’s good.

Carla: Yeah? So, where’s the afterparty? Where are we going tonight, Michael?

Michael Che: Well, there’s no after party, Carla. There’s a virus.

Carla: No party? Oh, come on, Michael. Where’s the party? I mean Leos, what? You, me, Lorne and a fat lasagna at 3AM Michael.

Michael Che: There’s no party. We all have to go to work. And we want everybody want to be safe.

Carla: But I want to dance, Michael. [stands and starts rocking her body] I wanna dance. Don’t you want to dance with me? Colin will dance with me. Won’t you, baby? Colin loves beautiful women.

Colin Jost: Yes, I don’t want to be involved in this.

Carla: I’m sorry. You know what? I gotta powder my nose. [opens her make up box, looks at the mini-mirror, then sniffs the cocaine.]

Michael Che: Oh, Carla! No, what are you doing?

Carla: Oh, I’m good, Michael. I’m good.

Michael Che: Carla, you’re supposed to be here to talk about night life. A lot of people lost their jobs.

Carla: Jobs? I have tone of jobs, Michael. Dice blower, home wrecker, painter. Plus my husband Bobby has a lot of men working for him.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. And what exactly does your husband do?

Carla: Scafolding garbage construction. He’d be jealous if he knew I was talking to you. Let’s call him.

Michael Che: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Carla: [on the phone] Hi, baby. Yes. No, it’s me. Yes, I’m good. I’m at church. No, I’m not with Michael. That’s done.

Michael Che: Wait, what done?

Carla: Yes, he’s right here. Michael, he wants to talk to you and he’s really angry.

Michael Che: No! You know what Carla? I think it’s time for you to go really.

Carla: Oh, Michael. [making crying face] No. Don’t get rid of me, Michael. I’m sure I’m a little rough round the edges but I’m still the same girl you met at the Update just three minutes ago. Let me give you a son, Michael. Let me try.

Michael Che: No, Carla.

Carla: Let me try.

Michael Che: You really need to calm down.

Carla: [pulls out a gun] You calm down.

Michael Che: You have a gun?

Carla: [starts acting like she’s being hit] Ou! You’re hurting me, Michael. Ou.

Michael Che: Nobody is touching you.

Carla: [slowly takes her makeup box out again] Oh, let me pop my nose. [sniffs cocaine] Ah! So, where’s the afterparty?

Michael Che: Carla, everybody

Carla: Directed by David O’ Russel.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Eric, Donald Jr. and Tiffany Trump on the 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Tiffany Trump… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s safe to say it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. Here with an update, our first sons, Eric and Don. Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, so you were in the Hamptons all summer. No call? No touch?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. No.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t I see you at the Trump boat parade?

Colin Jost: No. I was just on a fishing trip.

Donald Trump Jr.: Maybe. [Eric mumbling] Eric, move your mask. We can’t hear you, buddy. [Eric pulls the mask to cover his eyes and open his mouth.] No, come on. Just put it down. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls the mask off of Eric] Ew, Eric. It’s wet. Were you chewing on it?

Eric: [smiling] No.

Colin Jost: That’s a yes. I’m so glad to see that you guys are both healthy. That’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yep. Healthy and thriving, Colin. I’ve been out on the campaign trail, super spreading my father’s message. And Eric had his very first Zoom business meeting today.

Eric: Uh-huh. I was muted.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. And he did great. He did great.

Colin Jost: Sounds great. Congratulations Eric. Now, most polls show that your father’s trailing Joe Biden. Is he worried about losing re-election?

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. laughing]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad isn’t worried about losing this election. In fact he is–

Eric: Terrified.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, he’s not because he knows his base will show up on election day. In fact, he calls all his supporters–

Eric: [interrupting] White trash.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He does not. He absolutely does not.

Eric: Yeah, and he does that voice.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he doesn’t. Hey, you wanna put some hand sanitizer on, buddy? Here. [hands him a sanitizer] You’ve been touching stuff all day. You deal with that. Look, Colin, sleepy creepy Joe doesn’t have the stamina to pull off a win here. His platform is just re-heated [Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer] Obamacare policies that quite frankly didn’t work. Eric! Eric! You just drank that?

Eric: Dad said it was fine.

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, it’s not. It’s like, 98% alcohol, buddy. You can’t do that. [Eric shows the bottle to everyone] Don’t show. What was that? Are you alright?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Just ease off on that.

Colin Jost: Alright, he’s feeling it. Is your father confident then? He’s confident that he’s gonna win in November, you think?

[Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer again]

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, no more drinking that.

Eric: I wasn’t.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: He’s gonna win, you think?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And the whole family’s got his back. Just ask our sister!

Colin Jost: Oh, wow! Is Ivanka here?

[Tiffany slides in. She’s got a ship-captain’s hat on and a bottle of champagne in her hand.]

Tiffany: Whoo!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. It’s not. It doesn’t look like Ivanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Unfortunately, Ivanka–

Eric: Doesn’t like us. I was gonna say, “is busy”. So, we brought our other sister Tiffany.

Tiffany: Haha. Happy birthday to me. Haha. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Tiffany. I see you’re still celebrating your birthday even that you got some flack in the press.

Tiffany: I’m just trying to be relatable millennial, Colin. But yeah, the media got all butt-hurt because I was partying maskless in Miami with the first 20 randos to slide in my DM. But I mean, I’m a step child named Tiffany. It’s kind of my job to get faded on south beach.

Donald Trump Jr.: She’s kidding, Colin.

Eric: [whispering to Donald Trump Jr.] Don, who is that lady?

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s your sister, Eric. Wait, Tiff, I don’t know if you and Eric have officially met.

Tiffany: Um, not in person. No.

Eric: [greeting Tiffany] Hi, not-vanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, don’t call her not-vanka, buddy.

Eric: Sorry.

Tiffany: It’s okay. Dad does.

Colin Jost: Tiffany, I have to ask. Were you worried about spreading COVID to your party guests considering that your father just had it?

Tiffany: Um, no. Daddy’s always taking the six-foot social distance rule very seriously with me.

Donald Trump Jr.: So, as you can see, Colin, we’re a united front. And we know dad is going to win no matter what the dems try to stir up. Like, this latest debt nonsense? Please, my dad doesn’t owe $400 million. He owes–

Eric: [interrupting] $800 million.

Donald Trump Jr.: He owes–

Tiffany: [interrupting] A billion dollars.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He owes a little but Colin, you know how my dad does business. He goes  big or–

Eric and Tiffany: He goes to jail.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, I can’t handle them. I can’t handle them both.

Colin Jost: Alright. The first kids, everyone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you.

Weekend Update Trump Leaves the Hospital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marking second week of October at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week was mental illness awareness week and trust me, we’re aware. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Present and active bio-weapon Donald Trump took his doctors hostage and broke out of the hospital like Sarah Conor in Terminator II. And I guess he must have been in a Coma and thought that year was 2016 because he started demanding Hillary’s emails and for the feds to arrest Obama. And then he released series of odd videos from the White House that started like this.

[Cut to a video of Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Perhaps you recognized me. It’s your favorite president.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, I barely recognize you because your make up artist seems to have given you the Dolezal. And also, why does it look like there’s a green screen behind you? It’s a little suspicious when you green screen yourself into the place where you already are. It looks like you’re shooting a commercial for Staten Island wedding venue. “Make all your romantic dreams come true at the White House. Wanna do a big ass wedding with no masks? The White House.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump claimed to have survived the coronavirus. [disappointed] Yay. I’m not gonna say I’m disappointed, but it kind of feels like when there’s a car crash and the only survivor is the drunk driver. Trump said him getting covid was “a blessing” from god and I bet even god was like, “Hey, we tried, guys.” Actually, maybe we should be more optimistic about this. I mean there’s two ways we can look at it. Either Trump’s telling the truth and we finally have a cure for covid. Or Trump is lying and he’s still gonna die. I’m not gonna say that’s a win-win but it’s definitely not a lose-lose. No?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I also have to say it’s amazing to watch a guy have a near death experience and learn nothing from it. It’s like watching someone smoke through the hole in their neck. In fact, Trump is now trying to convince Americans that covid actually makes you stronger and that it made him feel better than he did 20 years ago. So he went from ‘covid is a hoax’ to ‘covid will disappear one day like a miracle’ and now he’s like ‘actually, covid is the miracle and it was inside of us all along.’ But hey, if getting covid is good, then his supporters are in luck because this was him in a rally last week when he had corona.

[Cut to Donald Trump throwing off hats at his rally.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Come on, look at him. He’s like an evil Oprah. [Cut to Donald Trump throwing off hats at his rally.] You’re getting covid. You’re getting covid. You’re getting covid. [Cut to Colin Jost] And look under your seats, it’s a ventilator.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was a dark show. President Trump said that  therapeutic drug from Regeneron which is derived from stem cells is a cure for covid, which seems unlikely unfounded irresponsible and I can’t wait to buy thousand shares of Regeneron baby juice stock. I call it baby juice. It’s kind of funny that these old republicans are so anti-abortion when it comes to everybody else, but then they do a complete 180 as soon as stem cells can save their lives or when I get their daughter pregnant.