Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in]

[girl moaning sound]

[Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away]

[girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]

Melissa McCarthy Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hi. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness. This is so exciting. It’s Valentine’s Day show. It’s just… I have a little something unusual for you. I want everybody right now to look under their chair. Go ahead. Look under your chair. And if you anyone finds a glove, there’s one glove from this week. It’s like, caramely color. It’s a goodie and if you find it just give me a holla. It’s missing it’s sister.

I’ve been having just the most amazing week here. My whole family is here. I just finished a new movie called “The Boss” I did with my husband. We had a blast doing it. But I’ll tell you what. Honestly, all I can think about is the fact that I am hosting SNL for the fifth time tonight. Yeah. Which means I am officially now a member of the Five Timer’s club. But before they come out here and make a fuss to give me my Five Timer’s jacket, I just wanna say one little thing. Hit it!

[music playing]

[singing] Never in my wildest dreams I ever expected to host a show five times
they say five time’s a charm, I got a tattooed on my arm, 555

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: Born to host five times

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: I hosted five times

[Melissa McCarthy wars glasses that say 5X]

Five Timer’s club is mine

Backup singers: Five, five, five, five, five,
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five

[Kenan walks in wearing a big ‘5’ outfit]

Kenan: Stop it! Can we stop? Melissa, you’ve only hosted four times.

Melissa McCarthy: No, that’s not true. Five, five, five, five, five.

Kenan: Can you put her down. No, please stop.

Melissa McCarthy: No, what?

Kenan:  It’s only four. I googled it while I was backstage sweating in this foam ‘5’ costume that you made me wear.

[All the backup singers leave the stage]

Melissa McCarthy: Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. That’s not right. Wait a minute. [counting] First one was 2011, 2013, 2014, tonight, last year was a 40th, you know, 40th anniversary special. That’s five.

Kenan: No. No. The 40th doesn’t count baby girl. That counts for like, 1/16th of a hosting. So, that’s like four and 1/16th.

Melissa McCarthy: [opens her glasses] So, am I not getting Five Timer’s jacket?

Kenan: No. But look, you get this. [hands over Melissa McCarthy a banana wearing a tiny suit.] That’s cool.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh! Yeah. It is cool Why is it on a banana?

Kenan: Well, just to show scale. There’s more here. Look at these. [hands over 4&1/16th glasses]

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, these are even bigger than the Five’s. Oh, and the banana. I mean, ou think about it, now I’m like at my own club have a 4&1/16er.

Kenan: Yeah. Now, sing the damn song.

[music playing]

[Backup singers come in dancing]

Melissa McCarthy: [singing] Tonight will still be fun because I’m hosting for the 4&1/16th times

It’s even better!

never felt quite so alive, tonight I’m gonna really dive 4&1/16th times

Backup singers: She’s hosting four, four, 4&1/16th times

Melissa McCarthy: We got a great show. Kanye West is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kyle Vs Kanye

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

[Starts with video clips of Kyle in his daily life]

Kyle narrating: Yes, I’m nervous. Of course I’m nervous. But it’s like, this is the thing I’ve wanted my whole life.

[Cut to Kyle preparing for the show]

Kyle: [rapping] Man, I wear MCs like a sandal
blow them out, be gone, flame from the candle

Kyle narrating: When I’m rhyming, when I’m rapping, that’s me. I mean this is what I’ve been working for. This is what I’ve been building towards, and if I don’t try now, when will I try?

[Cut to Kyle on TV show]

Kyle: This week is exciting though. With Kanye on and I’m a big fan. This week I think I wanna freestyle battle him.

Male TV Host: That’s very gutsy.

Female TV Host: That is gutsy.

Kyle narrating: I feel like a lot of people are wondering like, why are you focusing on this? My goal here is for people all over the world to look at me and just go like, “Wait a second. That’s hiphop.”

[Cut to video clip of Kyle rapping when he was just a kid.]

Hiphop culture has always been so important to me. I even taught myself how to break dance. And I was good. Like, really, really, really, really, really good. Here I am, a kid, moonwalking.  So, I’m doing albums, music videos, thinking this is what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life, it’s all finally happening. And then, this is where it’s not easy. Then I got hired by Saturday Night Live. And I have no idea what I’m doing out there.

[Cut to video clips of old SNL videos of Kyle Mooney]

I’m lost. I’m scared. I’d feel like everybody’s thinking, “Wait, he’s not a rapper.”

It’s like when people see me, they see, “Oh, he’s this white nerdy guy.” Sort of heartthrob, who’s like on the rise maybe. But that doesn’t matter. The real reason I’m here is to become the greatest rapper alive. And I think I can do that by beating Kanye West in a battle. Freestyle battle. Kanye West, man that stinks, grab a mint!  What is that? Your Kanye breath? Wow! That’s actually dope.

[Cut to a video clip of Kyle talking to Beck in a wedding ceremony.]

Kyle: Beck.

Beck: What’s up?

Kyle: I think it’s going to happen. I think I’m about to battle Kanye.

Beck: No. I don’t think that’s a good idea, man.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Here we go.

[Cut to Kyle approaching Kanye at SNL studio]

Kyle: Kanye, I’m gonna battle you.

Kanye: Huh?

Kyle: Kanye West, you knew–

Kanye West, you need a mint for you Kanye breath
and when I’m done with you, there should be no Kanye left
and are you gonna say anything?
No, I guess not, coz it seems like I’m the catcher
You’ve just been caught,
taught, like I’m a teacher with lesson

Kanye: I miss the old Kanye
trap up the soul Kanye
straight from the G.O.A.T Kanye
ill with the flow Kanye
I hate the new Kanye
the always rude Kanye
the bad mood Kanye
spazzing the news Kanye
I miss the old Kanye
kicking the flows Kanye
Where are the props at yet?
I miss the old Kanye
we know we love Kanye
You used to love Kanye
You had that pink pullover
You thought you was Kanye
we still love Kanye
that’s all it was, Kanye
well guess what? I love you like Kanye loves Kanye

[Kanye turns around leaves]

Kyle narrating: Well, that was the biggest mistake of my life. I just destroyed Kanye in a rap battle and now he’s probably really sad. Well, at least my career’s on fire! Yes! Do it the!

[The End]

Cul-De-Sac Reaction

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Dadi… Melissa McCarthy

Diane… Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Cul-De-Sac test screening]

Cecily: Okay, hi there folks. Again, we appreciate you all attending our test screening this evening. Now, we reviewed your comment cards and the Cul-De-Sac was one of our highest scoring horror movies in four years.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, man. I loved it, man. Y’all twisted and I like that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, that is great to hear. Now show hands, how many of you experienced a jump scare during the film? That’s where you physically jumped in your seat.

[Cut to many people raising their hands]

Dadi: One or two jump scares in there for me. Spilled a little bit of soda. I think he got heat on your hands.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, let’s hope so. As you know, were were taping the audience during the screening for our television and web ads and you guys gave us some great reactions we’d like to use. Now, we wanted to show you some before you sign the releases.

[Cecily plays the video]

[Cut to the audience reaction video.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Ah! had a little jump there.

[Cut to Diane]

Diane: Oh, my god! It’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. Now, this was taken during the first murder scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi spits soda all over Vanessa who is sitting in front of her, and then spills her soda at Kenan at the back when getting scared.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wow! Dadi, you were pretty scared there.

[Cut to Dadi and Diane]

Dadi: Um, I think that clip might have been Diane.

Diane: No. It was you.

Dadi: Well, I guess it’s kind of hard to tell with night vision.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Now here’s you guys watching the monsters in the trees sequence.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Leslie gets scared. Dadi is puking. Vanessa looks at her but Dadi punches her face and pukes again.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: By the way, that young woman who was punched is shaken, but she’s otherwise fine.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Well, for the record, I barely touched her. I think she’s a little bit of a drama queen.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. You guys, you gave us some real great stuff during that final chase scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi is making a scene at the theatre. She pulls off Pete’s shirt. Pete runs away scared of Dadi.]

Dadi in reaction video: I’m pissing myself. I’m pissing myself.

[Leslie is laughing at her]

Leslie in reaction video: Man, this bitch is pissing on herself.

[Dadi pushes everyone making her way to run outside the theatre]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So, you’re all okay with these? We have some releases for you.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh! I’d love to be on TV. I’m not sure if it’s worth losing my dignity over.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you’ll get $250.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh, yeah. Deal.

[Cut to a commercial board with the poster of the movie and picture of Dadi puking.]

Bus Ride

Driver… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Taran Killam

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a bus stopping at the bus stop]

Driver: Okay. Okay, this is Franklin station transfer here for M26 to Greenville.

[Leslie gets in the bus]

Leslie: Hello.

Driver: Hello ma’am.

[There is no seat available so Taran offers Leslie his seat]

Taran: Um, would you like to sit down miss?

Leslie: Yeah. Thanks.

Taran: You got it.

Leslie: So nice.

[Taran stands and Leslie takes his seat]

[Melissa makes way for Leslie to take the seat]

Melissa: Oh, that’s gotta feel good.

Leslie: Yes, it does. Chivalry isn’t dead, right?

Melissa: Hah! I kind of meant the other thing.

Leslie: What other thing?

Melissa: You know. White man gives up his seat in front of the bus. You gotta say, you’ve come a long way baby.

Leslie: Okay.

Melissa: I mean. You know, they’re showing Roots on television for February. And I have just been glued to this. They’re so good. Prime Ben Vareen. Prime OJ Simpson. I mean you can’t miss the cast really. You know what character I love is that Kunye Kenny.

Leslie: Um, Kunta Kinte.

Melissa: I don’t speak it but I enjoy the work.

Leslie: [to Taran] Hey, you sure you don’t wanna sit back down?

Taran: No, I’m good.

Melissa: You know, I gotta be honest, I don’t love a lot of black movies, but like the one where she poops in the pie and– where was that? I can’t remember what it’s called. She was a maid. She pooped in pie and made a lady eat. What is that? Is that called Poop Pie?

Leslie: No. It’s called ‘The Help’.

Melissa: Oh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s a little racy for me. But Roots. Roots, I do enjoy. You know, I told my husband Ron. I said if this is Roots, which one is Quest Love? [laughing] He did not get that one. God he was that. OJ is– was handsome. It’s a waste, huh?

Leslie: [to driver] Ay, man. I’m just gonna get out here.

Driver: This is a highway ma’am.

Leslie: That’s fine.

Melissa: You know, there’s another one I did love. It’s also got slaves in it. It’s not Roots. I think it’s– is it eight years I got to slave?

Leslie: No.

Melissa: Eight years I gotta slave.

Leslie: No. It’s 12 years of slave. 12 years of slave.

Melissa: Oh, is it 12 years? I didn’t see the whole thing. So.

Leslie: [to driver] Hey, man! You can just open up the door and I can just tuck and roll out. You ain’t even got to stop.

[Melissa holding Leslie’s hand]

Melissa: Look at that. We were like a banneton ad, huh? That’s sweet. I mean, if I had to choose, I would prefer white movies. They’re just so many great ones. The Godfather. The Gremlins. Star Wars. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy Roots just as much as any white movie. [Leslie is starting to look at window nicely] I mean you know what I was telling Ron? I said, “How about somebody make Root with all white cast. It’s a win– you can’t go wrong with that.

Leslie: Ay man, does this window open? I can just slide right out of this window.

Driver: One sec. [phone ringing] Wait, hold on. [on phone] Yeah. Why? A bomb? Now? Okay. I’m on. [hangs up the phone] Well folks, I just got word that if I go below 50 miles an hour, this bus will explode.

Leslie: What? I don’t wanna die with you. Oh!

Melissa: I don’t wanna die before seeing the end of Roots. I mean, do they ever get free?

Driver: Don’t worry ma’am. I got a full tank of gas in this baby so we can ride all night. I just gotta make one quick stop.

Everybody: No!

[The bus explodes]

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

President Trump was acquitted in a senate trial this week and democrats are calling it a cover up. [Picture changes to Donald Trump having tan line on his face.] But does this look like a guy who can pull off a cover up? Oh, my god! It’s like the day at the nursing home when they let the residents put their own make up on?

[Picture chances to Donald Trump holding a newspaper]

President trump then spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast and held up a copy of a headline about his acquittal, I assume to prove the payers don’t work. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney] Then he went and attacked Mitt Romney, a devoured mormon who voted to convict him. Trump said, “I don’t I don’t like people who use their faith as a justification for doing what they know is wrong.” At which point, even the leaders of National Prayer Breakfast were like, “Jesus Christ, dude!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump holding a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The day after the senate vote, president Trump gave a speech at the White House which he called the celebration. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to video clip of OJ Simpson’s reaction when the judge said he was not guilty.]

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Oh! That’s a wrong clip. Here’s the actual one.

[Cut to President trumps speech]

Donald Trump: Adam Schiff is a vicious horrible person. Nancy Pelosi is a horrible person. It was all bull [bleep]. When I fired that sleighs back, all hail broke out. “Well you tell me what did you say.” Boom, boom, boom. I wish you were here.

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Michael Che: At least he’s happy. The audience for Trump’s speech consisted of his legal team and republican law makers because I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a State of Union address, Trump gave a medal to Rush Limbaugh and celebrated the creating of space force. A moment that was predicted by MadLibs dated to 1992.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump on a podium]

Trump also railed against public schools calling them failing government schools. Okay, but you went to private school and you don’t even know where Kansas city is. Coz after the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump mistakenly tweeted, “Congratulations to the state of Kansas”, despite the fact that the Chiefs are from Kansas city, Missouri. Incidentally, Kansas also has the only Manhattan where Trump is still welcome.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, president Trump in a touching moment awarded Rush Limbaugh the presidential medal of freedom. And then immediately after the speech in a more touching moment, Rush traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy. Now, look, say what you want about Rush Limbaugh…

[Michael Che is looking away.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh, that was it. During the State of Union, Trump also attacked California for refusing to cooperate with ICE agents saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]

Donald Trump: The state of California passed an outrageous law declaring their whole state to be a skank-tuary for criminal, illegal immigrants.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a skank-tuary? Sounds like someone’s been listening to their old outcast albums. By the way, Mr. President, I’m just curious, what country are those skank-tuary cities in?

[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]

Donald Trump: United States.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Iowa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: My god! It’s like Sean Connery. The results for the Iowa caucus were delayed after officials found inconsistencies due to a problem with a new voting app. So, I guess it’s no surprise that Iowa’s voters chose the candidate who looks like [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] the grandson that fixes your computer. This problematic voting app was developed by a company called Shadow Inc. Remember in 2016 primaries where the democrat’s main problem was transparency? And then this time they hired a company called Shadow Inc. That’s like losing half of your money in wire fraud and then putting everything you have left into something called Nigerian Prince National Bank.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Alexander Vindman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Lieutenant colonel Vindman who testified during president Trump’s impeachment trial was escorted from the White House and fired. Now, you might recall that Vindman received a purple heart due to a wound in combat while Trump has a purple heart because his blood type is hamburger grease.

Weekend Update New Shamrock Shake, Gritty Not Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s Oreo Shamrock shake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s announced a new Oreo Shamrock shake. Coincidentally, Oreo Shamrock is also what Colin calls Obama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: You remember it.

[There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani posing with bull fighters at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A photo from Lev Parnas’s phone was releases showing Rudy Giuliani posing with two bull fighters in Spain. And I think it’s little on the nose that Giuliani is literally holding up red flags.

[Picture changes to map of California state and a school building]

California is considering stopping physical fitness tests in schools over concerns that they lead to bullying and body shaming. So, good job getting gym canceled you fat losers!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Michigan State University logo and dolls display at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] The Michigan State University gift shop was forced to remove a display of dolls depicting black historical figures hanging from a rack. Worse, they were being sold for 3/5th the regular price. That’s just a good math and history joke. The school says they’ve since moved the dolls to more appropriate secured display case. [The picture changes to the dolls inside a prison]

[Michael Che is laughing hard]

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Porn star records sex video at gas station’.]

A gas station in Milwaukee may lose it’s business license after it was discovered that a male porn star recorded a sex video there. Even sadder, it was self pump!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mascot Gritty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] The Philadelphia flyers Mascot Gritty has been cleared of accusations that he punched a 13 year old boy. He’s being cleared and in return Gritty has agreed not to blow up the hospital.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to stitching yarn.]

Researchers say that they’ve developed a new way to stitch wounds together using a type of yarn made from human skin. They also say where they got the yarn made from human skin isn’t important. Incidentally yarn made from human skin is what Gritty is made of.

Weekend Update Chloe Fineman on The 2020 Oscars

Colin Jost

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are this Sunday. Here to comment is our own, Chloe Fineman.

[Chloe Fineman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chloe Fineman: Woo! So happy to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: We’re so happy to have you. So, I hear you’re pretty pumped for the Oscars this year.

Chloe Fineman: You bet. I love the Oscars. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] It is my favorite holiday. I am just such a huge fan of all the actresses nominated this year. And I have learnt so much from studying their performances.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! Would you mind sharing some of what you learned?

Chloe Fineman: Sure! Um, so let’s start with my favorite technique which is something that I like to call ‘steering wheel acting’.

Colin Jost: Steering? What’s that?

Chloe Fineman: You’ve seen it. It’s the scene in every Oscar movie where a broken woman is [sobbing] finally alone in her car [Cut to Chloe Fineman] and just let’s all go like… [starts acting like she’s crying in the car, hitting the steering wheel.]

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah. And is she laughing or crying?

Chloe Fineman: Neither. She is acting!

Colin Jost: Great! And can I ask, what are some examples in this year’s nominated films?

Chloe Fineman: Um, okay, [Cut to Chloe Fineman] well there was Martha, the virtuous nurse in Knives Out. [Chloe Fineman is doing steering wheel acting again] Oh, the knives! The knives! They were all out. They were all out!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And in Judy, Renée Zellweger broke from the form with some back seat acting.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman. She is doing the acting.]

Driver darling. Driver darling, pull over. I can’t see my mouth. It’s dry. Cling, cling, cling, went the trolley.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Now, I’m curious, what about the film like Little Women? Because they didn’t have cars back then?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, no steering wheel? An actor’s nightmare! [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Fortunately, the cast of Little Women broke out an ancient technique called ‘buggy acting’.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh.

Chloe Fineman: For example, Saoirse Ronan. [Chloe Fineman starts acting] Women have hearts and minds as well as souls. And I’m just so sick of being told otherwise.

And then Timothée Chalamet is like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Wait! I’ve loved you my whole life because of your heart and your mind as well as your beautiful body. Ha-ha-ha. La-la-la-la.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And then, Meryl Streep is like, watching the whole thing like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, you know. These young actors are just utterly delicious. Florence Pugh!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And I’m curious. Were there any non-vehicle performances that stuck with you?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Yes. Marriage story taught me a lot about teacup acting. It’s like when Scarjo is like…

[starts acting] So, I saw Charlie in this play. And he was this big bear. Do you feel like you’re at home, Colin?

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t. No. You don’t have to… You don’t have to do that. Thanks. It’s really good. Thank you.

Chloe Fineman: And then Laura turns like…

[starts acting] The babysitter? The babysitter? I will not, not be rich.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: I believe that was from Big Little Lies. Which is TV.

Chloe Fineman: No, Colin. It’s the Oscars.

Colin Jost: Chloe Fineman, everyone!

Chloe Fineman: [honking] Peep peep!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Cathy Anne

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, the impeachment of Donald Trump ended with an acquittal in the republican controlled senate. Here to talk more about it is the lady who screams outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey! Michael Che! Oh, please tell me you are my gift for my birthday.

Michael Che: It’s your birthday today?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! I’m turning 21.

Michael Che: You’re 21?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! Can you believe it? I’m finally legal.

Michael Che: Well, you are a lived in 21 year old.

Cathy Anne: Oh! Well, thank you for noticing.

Michael Che: Alright, so what have you been up to?

Cathy Anne: I went back to school.

Michael Che: You did?

Cathy Anne: No! Of course not. What the hell do you think this is? Pretty woman? No. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I got folded up in my sleeper couch and forgotten about.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: Um, let’s just say that fat masses in Cinderella were much nicer than the ones I was stuck with. Okay?[Cut to Cathy Anne] They didn’t make me a dress so much as choose through the crotch in my sweatpants. Look.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che. Cathy Anne is showing Michael Che her sweatpants.

Michael Che: No! No! No! So, what do you think of the senate acquitting Donald Trump?

Cathy Anne: That weren’t no damn trial! It ain’t even got witnesses. [Cut to Cathy Anne] You know what? I wish I could have a trial with no witnesses. However, I seem to always make my transgressions in very public places. And I mean, also, Mick McDonald said they weren’t gonna find him guilty before the damn thin even started.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mick Mc–

Cathy Anne: [yelling] Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: Okay!

Cathy Anne: You heard it wrong. I said it right.

Michael Che: Sure. Sure. So, you agree with the–

Cathy Anne: Your Weekend Update don’t know Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: [laughing] You agree with the people calling a cover up?

Cathy Anne: Cover up? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Who you covering? It’s all out in the open, okay? That’s like the time that Ikea got rocked in on me pants down [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] just spider squatting over the display toilet. And I tried to say, “It’s not what it looks like!” [Cut to Cathy Anne] Spoiler alert, it was more than it looked like.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Oh god!

Cathy Anne: You ever had those meatballs at Ikea? Whoo!

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, please!

Cathy Anne: This trial is so damn corrupt, Trump’s already going after anybody that did testify. I mean, you’ve heard that Lieutenant Colonel and his twin brother who didn’t even have nothing to do with it. Who the hell they think? He’s gonna parent trap himself coz he’s so desperate to get back there? That’s like baby Jessica. Getting rescued and then turned around and cannon ball back into the rail. [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] Ah! She’s fine!

Michael Che: So, you think it was a good idea to impeach him? Coz some people say it could hurt the democrats chances in the election.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: No, no, no! What’s gonna hurt the democrats is all the damn in Friday. I mean, why they keep going after each other about this idea of political purity. Hello! It’s politricks! We know they pure, but it’s necessary. I don’t go to red roof in and put a black lot to the sheets. I know exactly why them sheets is crunchy. But I still need a place to lay low first of all.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, you are on fire!

Cathy Anne: Oh, you heard about that?

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Anne: When I caught fire. Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I was running into a Pollo Loco, I tripped and fell ass first into a fire grill.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What were you doing running up into a Pollo Loco?

Cathy Anne: Well, I wasn’t really running into a Pollo Loco. I was running away from the Pizza Hut next door.

Michael Che: Why?

Cathy Anne: Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] turns out it’s true what they say. You can do all the crack in the world, but you still can’t out pizza the hut!

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright! Well, I think that’s enough. You have anything else you wanna say?

Cathy Anne: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go Parasite!

Michael Che: Oh, you like that movie?

Cathy Anne: No, no! I want my parasite to go.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: My birthday party’s at Michael Che’s. Everybody is invited.

Michael Che: No it’s not. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Thirsty Cops

RuPaul

Ego Nwodim

Pete Davidson

Paula… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two cops pulling over Pete]

RuPaul: Um, sir. I’ma have to ask you to stand over here while we investigate the situation.

Ego: The way you were driving, you’re very lucky we stopped you when we did. Do you have any idea why we pulled you over?

Pete: Yes, I apologize officers. I know I shouldn’t have been texting while driving.

Ego: That’s right. While driving, you’re only permitted to use hands-free devices. But with me, [dancing] you can be very hands on.

Pete: What?

RuPaul: What my partner is trying to say is, you is a snack! And the two of us can make a meal.

Ego: Okay. And I haven’t eaten in eight months, if you know what I saying.

[Cut to Thirsty Cops intro]

[Cut back to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: You know, we need to ask you a couple of questions. Which way you heading, sir?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, I was just going to meet some friends.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, but how you getting there? You headed straight?

RuPaul: Or is your journey more fluid? Not afraid to take a couple of queer turns along the way?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Um, I don’t know, sir. We were just going to meet up at a sports bar.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Okay, sports. So, you playing on my team.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah, but then we were thinking maybe Karaoke.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

RuPaul: Well, okay vocals! So, I’m still in the running.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

Pete: Hey, look. Am I under arrest here? Or…

[Ego walking near Pete]

Ego: We just wanna make sure you’re safe. This neighborhood is famous for it’s [Ego showing Pete her booty] dangerous curves!

RuPaul: Yeah, baby! [RuPaul walks near Pete] And I’m like black ice. You gonna see me coming.

Pete: Um, what is happening right now?

Ego: Well see, I don’t like to put labels on things so soon, but I think we’re in a potential DUI to DTF situation.

RuPaul: Ha-ha. Okay, stand down officer! Okay, alright. Now, let’s read him his Miranda rights.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: My name is Miranda and I does it right!

RuPaul: You also have the right to an attorney. And if you cannot afford an attorney, then I don’t want nothing to do with you.

[RuPaul and Ego laughing]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Okay. That was very funny.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: Alright, license please.

Pete: Here you go.

[Pete passes his license to Ego]

Ego: Alright. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] 6’1″. Brown eyes. Oh, oh! Look at that. He’s an organ donor.

RuPaul: Well, don’t just give it away. Make me work for it!

Ego: Hold on. Hold on. Look at this address. That’s a nice neighborhood. They got a Starbucks reserve over there.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

RuPaul: Now, do you rent or own?

Pete: Um, I actually bought a condo about a year ago.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Okay. He got assets! Ha-ha!

RuPaul: Equity! Equity!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: What you’re doing here doesn’t seem legal. It seems a little inhumane?

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: In which humane? In this humane or in that humane?

[police siren]

[Cut to everybody. Paula walks in.]

Paula: What seems to be the problem over here?

Pete: Oh, officer! Thank god! [Cut to Pete and Paula] These two are holding me here.

Paula: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to determine if there’s probable cause because you probably cause me to flood my she sheet.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Oh! Paula, you nasty girl!

RuPaul: You nasty!

[Cut to Pete and Paula]

Paula: I’m gonna have to go ahead and call this in. Excuse me. Car 51 at dispatch. Subject is reckless-ly hot! Lil’ sweety bad boy. Puppy dog but bites! He will hurt me but you can’t break what’s already broken. Over!

Pete: Hey, so are you gonna let me go?

Paula: I wish I could. I wish I could. [Paula pats on Pete’s chest] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make sure my dash cam got all this!

[Paula leaves]

Pete: Okay, look, you’ve had your fun. And to be honest, I didn’t hate everything you said, you know? Especially the sweetie bad boy stuff. But, um, I think it’s time I go.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

RuPaul: Okay, he is right. But because you were swerbing, we’re gonna have to give you a body test.

[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]

Ego: Yes, arms out, sir! Touch your nose with your right hand and now touch your nose with your left hand.

RuPaul: Now lick it and make it sizzo!

[Pete touches his finger on his tongue, then on his butt and then make the soun, “Shh”.]

[RuPaul and Ego laughing]

Have a good night sir. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] And promise not to text and drive.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! Don’t worry. I know how to handle myself on the road now.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]

Ego: Oh, oh, oh! You do? Prove it. If I’m your phone, then you get a text, what do you do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Put you on my lap, faced down and set you to vibrate till I get home. Okay now.

[Cut to RuPaul and Ego laughing]

RuPaul: Oh!

Ego: Oh!

[Video pauses]

Male voice: This has been a message from Thirsty Cops.

Female voice: Don’t text and drive, baby!