The Jay Z Story

Jay Z… Mike O’ Brien

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beyonce… Sasheer Zamata

Kanye West… Jason Sudeikis

Nas… J.K. Simmons

[Starts with black and white video clips of the streets.]

Male voice: This is the story of the greatest rapper of all time. This is the definitive funny accurate biopic that is the final word on the subject. This is ‘The Jay Z Story’, with Mike O’ Brien as Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z at the cornor of the street selling drugs]

Jay Z: Cocaine? Cocaine for sale. Wanna buy some cocaine? Hello, walked by me.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah sitting on a chair]

Jay Pharoah: Hey, you seem a little down. What’s on your mind, man?

Jay Z: I think I might stop selling cocaine.

Jay Pharoah: And do what?

Jay Z: I think I want to be a rapper.

Jay Pharoah: Shawn, that’s an excellent idea.

Jay Z: I should head back to Marcy Projects.

Jay Pharoah: You know what trends around here? You should take the J or the Z.

Jay Z: You just gave me an idea about what my fake name could be, you son of a gun.

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran in the Label office.]

Taran: Look, I gotta be honest. I got a huge kick out of the Black album and people are buying millions of copies.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: Ya, right! Are you messing with me?

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran]

Taran: No, I’m not Sha– Jay Z. You are great at rap.

Jay Z: This is insane! I can’t believe I’m great at rap.

[Beyonce walks in the office]

Beyonce: Oh, sorry. I’m early.

[Jay Z turns around and looks at Beyonce in slow motion.] [Cut to Beyonce. Her hair is blown in slow motion. She smiles.] [Cut to Jay Z. He stands up.]

Jay Z: I’m Shawn. Um, Jay Z.

[Cut to Beyonce]

Beyonce: I’m Beyonce from Destiny’s Child.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: I know who you are. PS, you’re so pretty.

[Cut to video clips of Jay Z struggling in the streets.]

Male voice: A look at the Hard Knock Life of New York’s quirkiest rapper.

[Cut to video clips of Grammy’s and people recognizing Jay Z in the public. His pictures are on the front pages of the magazines.] [Cut to Jay Z in a restaurant.]

Jay Z: You’ve been making some fantastic beats for me, Kanye.

[Cut to Kanye West. He’s also a white guy.]

Kanye West: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Jay Z and Kanye West]

Jay Z: Ay, where do you see yourself in five years?

Kanye West: I wanna be a rapper. Like you.

Jay Z: I think that…[Kanye West looks nervous] It could be amazing!

Kanye West: Holy guacamole! Ah, man! You had me so nervous. I didn’t know how you would respond to that. I didn’t think you–

Jay Z: Kanye, look at me. Your brain works like no one I’ve ever met, truly.

Kanye West: Thanks.

Jay Z: What are we doing eating these huge salads. Let’s go practice rapping. Meet me in the studio.

Kanye West: Okay, see you there.

[Cut to Jay Z and Nas. Nas is also a white guy.]

Nas: Not so fast, you turd.

Jay Z: Oh, great, Nas. What do you want?

Nas: I want you to go to hell, Jay Z.

Jay Z: How about you kiss my butt, Nas?

Nas: I would, but I can’t tell which end is your butt.

Jay Z: I’ve crossed the line and you know it.

[Jay Z and Nas are fighting]

Time out! Time out! This is silly!

Nas: This is silly.

Jay Z: Buds?

Nas: Buds.

Jay Z: See you now.

Nas: Bye Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah walking in the streets.]

Jay Z: I wanna write a really great rap about New York.

Jay Pharoah: You know, that’s a great idea. You know, you should be like…

[rapping] I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to De Niro, but I’ll be hood forever

Jay Z: Hi, hello. Can I talk please? It wouldn’t be like that. I mean, you’re my best friend but that sounded weird.

[Cut to clips of Jay Z walking in the streets]

Male voice: It’s raw. It’s greedy. It’s 100% accurate.

Jay Z: Uh, rapping. To a rapper like me, it’s topnotch. I’m Jay Z and this was my story.

Teacher Snow Day

Student… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with clip of snowstorm news.] [Cut to a TV in school’s cafeteria]

School announcer: Attention students in Ridgement School district. The following schools are closed today. [Cut to clips of empty school] St. Joseph hill and North Academy. Students should not come to school. I repeat, you must stay at home because this snow day, this snow day is for teachers!

[the music video starts]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[rapping] That’s right it’s a teacher’s snow day
no kids, no books, full pay

Cecily: You think we’re home grading papers
but we using em’ to smoke them our favorites

Leslie: Kids want a day off? Get in line
behind overwork teachers get drunk on wine

Sasheer: Teacher’s lounge is a nasty club

Kyle: And the only extra credit is a rub and tug

[Teachers are partying in teacher’s lounge]

Kenan: Teachers snow day

Cecily: Zero F’s given this is blizzard living

Kate: This ain’t the breakfast club, we drill to die

[Cut to a student walking in the halls of school alone]

Bobby: Here’s my hall pass sucker!

Jay: We got the school on lock
we do a lots of chalk
and when I’m in the R-room
I don’t wear a smock

Sasheer: Mr. K and Mrs. P are having 50 shades sex

Student: Just like I learned in my biology text.

Kyle: Mr. Reed, I’m doctor death
then I’m up in my chem lab, cooking meth.

Student: Came to school by mistake
saw drugs and jugs
thought my teachers were bitches
but they’re hardcore thugs

Bobby: Teachers snow day! Coz our dreams are dead, yo!

Aidy: The only PTA here is my pretty toy ass

Student: Not gonna lie, this is awesome!

[Cut to teachers looking out the window]

Jay: Oh, damn! It’s principal Hefernin

Cecily: I’ve never seen him at a snow day.

Leslie: He’s been here like, 65 years.

[Cut to principal in his car nodding his head to the beat]

Principal: This was my damn day off it wasn’t part of the plan
but when I roll up to school in my minivan
there’s something all these motherf* better understand
the dress code is out, I’m not wearing pants

Bobby: Understand that you can chuck your bleep
he got that something too, teachers lining up like team

Principal: I got PA announcement for every class
except, the P is for Pu* and A is for ass

Leslie: What do I teach? I don’t even remember
hands off in the spring a wake of September

Jay: We reverse hibernate, we asleep on summer

Kyle: So, when it’s blizzard time, we in a promp [bleep]

Cecily: This is our choice, teachers move the earth!

Kenan: We on that sweet dessert

Jay: We teach the children, we teach them well

Kate: But when it snows outside, they can go to hell.

Bobby: Yeah! Teachers snow day! 2k15.  Forever!

Leslie: Kids trust us. We need this more than you!

Kenan: Teacher’s snow day. Shut it down!

[Cut to all the teachers passed out in the teacher’s lounge.] [Cut to the student taking their pictures]

Student: Well, I’m definitely passing Chemistry now.

Super Bowl Shut Down With Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman And Marshawn Lynch

Richard Sherman… Jay Pharoah

Marshawn Lynch… Kenan Thompson

Vocal… Sasheer Zamata

Pianist… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Carroll… Taran Killam

[Starts with King5 video bumper]

Male voice: You’re watching King5, Seattle.

[Cut to to Super Bowl Shut Down set]

Announcer: It’s Super Bowl Shut Down with Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman.

[Cut to Richard] [cheers and applause]

Richard: Hi, hello. I’m your host Richard Sherman, the greatest corner in the history of National Football League. Joining me as always is my team mate and good friend, [Cut to Richard and Marshawn] running back Marshawn Lynch. How you doing, Marshawn?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: So, Marshawn, are you excited to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Okay, Marshawn, I know that’s how you are with the media but this is just you and me and you don’t have to hid. So, what do you say?

Marshawn: Shout out to Hiden.

Richard: Oh, come on, man! Well, at least we got our 12 man band who traveled with us all the way from Seattle.

[Cut to the band. All the band members are wearing green clothes. They’re not playing music but they’re rocking their body.] [Cut to Richard]

Richard: Y’all sound loud tonight. We got the best fans in Seattle, don’t we?

[Cut to Vocal]

Vocal: That’s right. I’ve been a die hard fan since the beginning… of 2013.

[Cut to Pianist]

Pianist: Ha-ha! Coffee in rain.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now I’d like to begin the show the way I always do. By verbally assaulting someone who’s already lost. Today’s attack is going out to New York city mayor Bill De Blasio. [yelling] De Blasio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You a punk ass mayor. You call that the biggest snow storm in the history of New York? I’ve seen bigger blizzards at Dairy Queen. And you seriously trying to shut down whole city coz of that? You better learn. The only way you shut down a whole city is you put Richard Sherman on it. Boom! I went to Stanford.

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn]

Marshawn, you wanna jump in here?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Come on, man! Open up.

Marshawn: I like Skittles. Shout out to Skittles. And also, big up to Hash and Glasses.

Richard: Damn man! I shouldn’t have made this show four hours.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: But sure, the one thing we gotta talk about right is that scandal with the Patriots. A.K.A. deflate gate, a.k.a. ball gazi, a.k.a. the e-balla crisis. Patriots fans! You wanna see what a real football looks like?

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn. Marshawn hands over Richard a football with dreadlocks.]

That’s what a real football looks like! Handsome as hell.

Marshawn: Shout out to dreadlocks footballs.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now, out special guest tonight is the head coach of Seattle Seahawks. If there was ever a human dude who magically switched places with a happy ass Shaggy dog, it’s be this buy. Please welcome Pete Carroll.

[Cut to the stage. Pete walks in.] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, heck, fellas! Thanks so much for having me on this dope show of your’s.  This is just well. Now, Richard, I know your girlfriend’s supposed to have a baby tomorrow but I hope to see you on the field.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Oh, it’s probably best I don’t go. Last time I was in a delivery room, the doctor tried to catch the baby and I ran it back for the touchdown. Now coach, why don’t you tell the Patriots what we’re gonna do to them tomorrow?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Alright. Well, we’re gonna get out there and we’re gonna give those sons of guns some firm handshakes. Then we’re gonna battle them respectfully for 60 minutes.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Wait, wait, what? You mean we’re gonna murder the Patriots. Then we’re gonna hunt down their families and kill them too. You hear that Brady? The yearbook voted me best smile. [Richard smiles] [Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s fun, my dawg. And Marshawn, how you doing over there, bud?

[Cut to Marshawn. Marshawn just shakes his head.] [Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha. Is this guy great or what? Oh, man! He actually loves to laugh. Hey Marshawn, came up with a joke you’re gonna love. Knock, knock.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No comment.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s helmets.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Helmets you think we’re gonna win by tomorrow.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: [smiling] Okay, that’s pretty good.

[Cut to Richard, Marshawn and Pete]

Richard: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick break.

[Cut to Richard]

But first, live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Monologue J.K. Simmons on Movie Roles & Snowpocalyse ft. Fred Armisen

J.K. Simmons

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, J.K. Simmons.

[J.K. Simmons walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. This has already been an amazing year for me. I was in a movie called ‘Whiplash’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. I also played a blind lawyer in a show called ‘Growing Up Fisher’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. That was canceled. [audience laughing] And I was of course the voice of the yellow m&ms. So, I’m not sure which of those I’m here hosting because of. I guess it’s probably for Whiplash. It could be for those Farmers Insurance ads. Those are fun. [cheers and applause]

But I really loved being in Whiplash. It was a dream role. For those of you who have not seen the movie, I play a sort of mean intimidating band conductor who yells at his students a lot, but that’s not me in real life at all. I’m a nice guy. I got along great with the cast this week. In fact I became really good friends with Aidy and Kyle during the snowstorm. We all wrote a song together. [cheers and applause] [Kyle and Aidy are ready. Kyle is on drums and Aidy is on piano.]

Now, CNN said the storm was going to be a snow-pocalypse. I think we can all agree it turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four.

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No.

[Kyle stops]

Sorry Kyles, not my tempo.

Kyle: Sorry.

J.K. Simmons: It’s all good. No worries. Let’s take it again. More of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four…

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No!

[Kyle stops]

You’re rushing.

It’s okay, it’s okay. I just really want this song to be great, okay? Here we go. More of a No-pocalypse. Ha-ha, two, three, four…

[Kyle starts playing drums]

No!

[Kyle stops]

Dragging! Kyle! What is up? Come on! Can you just.. This is not your little weird videos, okay? This is the opening of the show. Can you get it together? Lose the Alf sweatshirt and goofy hair, okay? Get on my tempo.

Kyle: I think my hair’s gorgeous, but…

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: I think all hair is ridiculous.

[audience laughing]

Go, go, go!

[Kyle leaves]

Pete, come on, you’re up. Let’s go.

[Pete comes in to play the drums]

Okay, here we go. Turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Ha-ha two, three, four…

[Pete plays different beat]

Stop!

[Pete stops]

Let me ask you a question, Pete. Do you think you’re cute?

Pete: [smiling] I guess.

J.K. Simmons: Sure, all the girls love you coz you’re the SNL cutie pie, huh? You know what is not cute? [yelling] Sucking at the drums.

Pete: Come on, man!

J.K. Simmons: Maybe you could play on my tempo if you spend as much time practicing as you do smoking pot.

Pete: Oh, I’m not gonna practice 100 hours a week.

[Pete leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Sorry for yelling. I just– I really want the song to be, you know, fun. It’s gonna be cute.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: This song is so great, Mr. Simmons.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Okay. If I want you to kiss my ass, I’ll tell ya’. Get out!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I really miss Blake Shelton.

[Aidy leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Leslie, come on. Get out here. Let’s go. You’re up.

[Leslie comes in to play the drums]

Leslie: Ay man! You know, I hope I do well. I’m just gonna try to do the best for you.

J.K. Simmons: Okay, great! You coming at the end of four.

Leslie: End of what?

J.K. Simmons: Two, three, four…

[Leslie just hits the drums randomly]

Stop! [yelling] Pathetic!

Leslie: [yelling] Ay! Do not scream at me J.K.! I’m a 47 year old woman. Do not do that. You need to pump your breaths, dude!

[Leslie leaves]

J.K. Simmons: Okay, alright, alright. Fair enough. Fair enough. Alright, who else we got? Anybody, come on!

[Fred comes in to play the drums] [cheers and applause]

Alright, can you just wipe the dumb smile off your face, Armisen? You’re not important anymore. This is New York city, you’re on SNL. Remember? You used to be on the show. I watched when you were on the show. You know who my favorite character was?

Fred: Who was that?

J.K. Simmons: Stefon.

Fred: You know, I have an idea. Maybe just be nice. Because, drumming should be fun. You know, and I think that you’re just a little sweetie. You know what? I’m gonna play something nice for this little sweetie. What do you think of that?

[cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: I think it’s going to be terrible.

Fred: Okay, here we go.

[Leslie starts playing drums. He is playing well.] [cheers and applause]

J.K. Simmons: Fred Armisen! We got a great show for you tonight. D’Angelo is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Miss Trash 2015

Dadonk Fonten… J.K. Simmons

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a clip of Cheetos Auditorium]

Male voice: Live form the Cheetos Auditorium, 20 minutes outside Vegas, it’s America’s favorite beauty pageant, ‘Miss Trash 2015’.

[Cut to the stage. Dadonk is the MC.]

Dadonk: It’s Miss Trash 2015. Hello and welcome. I’m your host Dadonk Fonten. This year we celebrated Miss American, Miss Universe, but tonight we crown the queen of the dump. The woman who is best at being the worst. So, without further due, let’s meet our contestants for Miss Trash 2015.

[Cut to Aidy dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

First up, it’s Miss Trash Delaware. She has never had a sip of water. Last week she tried to join ISIS but they said, “No, thanks.” And this is interesting. She is deaf… initely not wearing any underwear.

Aidy: Oh, Hi Dadonk. My talents are banging dudes and being rude, and if I win, the first thing I’m gonna do is lay the hell down for a year! Aha-ha-ha-ha.

Dadonk: Gorgeous. Next up, please welcome Miss Trash California.

[Cut to Cecily dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

Her nickname in high school was Slime Bitch. She was once dragged behind a horse for 15 miles and she is the woman who fired shots outside Joe Biden’s house last week.

Cecily: Hi, Dadonk. I wanna be Miss Trash coz when I was young, I was boy like. And I’ve taken all that anger of resentment and let it make me insane. And my behavior’s really bad.

Dadonk: What a beautiful story. Our third finalist is Miss Trash New York.

[Cut to Kate dancing in to the stage. She is a bit well dressed than the ones before.]

She has graduated at doggie day care. Her friends describe her as Butter with Eyes. And you can’t see them but she currently has over 400 stitches.

Kate: Hi, Dadonk. I should be Miss Trash because I love to do charity. Last week, I cut my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. They used it to make three outdoor brooms.

Dadonk: Fantastic. And finally, Miss Trash Vermont.

[Cut to Venessa walking in nicely. She is wearing a nice dress and her hair is nicely done.]

She loves necklaces and her little dog, Harry.

Venessa: Um, I thought this was Miss America.

Dadonk: But, did you check the right box on the form? The boxes for Miss America and Miss Trash are very close. Almost looks like the same box, but they’re not.

Venessa: Oh, maybe I didn’t.

Dadonk: Too bad, now you’re trash. These women have been here all day, and believe it or not, they’ve already have complete makeovers.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa. Aidy, Cecily and Kate look untidy.]

We have the before pictures but the network won’t allow us to show them [Cut to Dadonk] because they’re the visual equivalent of the F word.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa] [singing] Look in her eyes, there’s nothing inside
it’s Miss Trash 2015

[Cut to Dadonk]

Dadonk: Alright, it’s time for the question and answer round. Miss Trash California, you’re up first.

[Cecily walks in. She is dancing.]

Your question is, what is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your life?

Cecily: Okay, that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. Just today, my gynecologist told me I was accepted to UTI. And I’m so excited, my crotches are on fire!

[Cecily leaves]

Dadonk: That’s wonderful. Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: What?

Dadonk: Your question is, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Aidy: Um, I guess if that’s your thing, coo-coo-coo. But for me, marriage is all about putting that paintus into puti. Final answer.

[Aidy leaves]

Dadonk: Stunning. Miss Trash Vermont.

[Venessa walks in]

Your question, what is your one regret?

Venessa: Um, I guess I mostly regret ever making eye contact with Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Yeah! You’re my mommy now!

[Aidy pulls Venessa away]

Dadonk: And finally Miss Trash New York.

[Kate walks in]

What is the one piece of advice that you would give to young girls?

Kate: I would tell them just believe in yourselves. That’s why I got this tattoo. [Kate shows her tattoo. It says ‘BUTT’.] It says ‘believe’ in Chinese.

Dadonk: It says ‘BUTT’ in english.

Kate: Thank you.

[Kate leaves]

Dadonk: What an incredible group. It’s time for a commercial break now, but when we come back, we will finally crown Miss Trash 2015. As always, winner will be sent to the hospital and runners-up will be sent to prison.

[the contestants walk behind Dadonk] [singing] Who will be first?
the best of the worst
it’s Miss Trash 2015

Microsoft Office Assistant

Kam… J.K. Simmons

Ruth… Aidy Bryant

Help pin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]

Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.

Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam

Kam: What the heck do I click?

Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.

Ruth: The big blue W.

Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.

Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye!

[3 leaves the screen dancing.] [Cut to Kam]

Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Yes!

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: How do I turn this guy off?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man!

[MS Word has birthday cake man border now.] [Cut to Kam]

Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes!

[All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!

Ruth: Just let me finish this page.

Kam: What are you reading?

Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.

Kam: Again?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam!

[There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?

Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Disable Pushy.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.

[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]

Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam!

[Pushy plays a sad music]

Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]

What are you waiting for?

Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude!

[3 starts dancing]

Casablanca

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Rick… J.K. Simmons

Victor… Taran Killam

Ilsa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening. I am Reese De’What. Welcome to Cinema Classics. Tonight, we look at the recently unearthed alternate ending to the 1942 classic ‘Casablanca’, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. Why did they make this alternate ending? I do not know. This is not why I am here. If I were to guess, I would say that the director’s girlfriend said, “Hey, let’s try one my way.” But, I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. This morning, she asked me to guess what she wanted for her birthday. And I said, “I don’t know. Some common sense and a bra that doesn’t cut your back?” Worst post sex discussion ever. Let’s look at this alternate ending now where Rick risks everything to get Ilsa safely out of Casablanca and away from the Nazis. Here we go.

[Cut to the alternate ending. Two men and one woman are walking.]

Rick: Here you go, Louis. These are the exit visas. And if you don’t mind, why don’t you fill in the names. That will make it seem more official.

Victor: Certainly, Rick, you think of everything, don’t you?

Rick: And the names are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laslo.

[Victor walks away] [Cut to Ilsa]

Ilsa: But, why my name, Richard?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa. Rick holds Ilsa’s hands.]

Rick: Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa: I don’t understand, Richard. What about you?

Rick: I’m going to stay here with him until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa: Oh, no Richard, no! No, Richard! No, no, no! No, Richard! Last night you said we’d be together forever.

Rick: Last night, we said a great many things. And it all boils down to this. You’re getting on that plane where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, Richard, no, no! Please, not without you. No, no. I’d face any danger to be with you.

Rick: Listen to me.

Ilsa: No!

Rick: You know what waits for you if you stay here? 9 chances out of 10, you’ll wind up in a concentration camp.

Ilsa: Concentration camp? Urgh! Okay, so, is that the plane? Is it ready for me to get on it?

Rick: Last night you asked me to do the thinking for the both of us. And since then, I’ve done a lot of it. You’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, I know. Thank you. If you let me go, I’ll do it. I’ll get right on it.

Rick: Listen to me now, if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll live to regret it.

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: Wow, you give me a lot to think about when I’m on that plane. Regrets, concentration camp, it’s a lot. [Asking people around] Do you think it’s refueled yet? Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Victor]

Victor: Come again?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa]

Ilsa: I said is the plane full, you fool! Do you need help? Is there a hole or something that I can help with?

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. Look at me. Stop looking at the plane.

Ilsa: No, I know. I’m listening. I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me. Then next thing you know, I’m sitting in a CC. That’s short for concentration camp. Is that something anyone says?

Rick: Well, don’t think about that.

Ilsa: Well, you put it in my head and now all I can see is me behind bar while having to pick a child shoe.

Rick: Well, that’s not going to happen. You don’t have a child.

Ilsa: Oh, I know, Richard. But they might make me choose for somebody else. Nazis are weird like that.

Rick: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re stalling so you don’t have to get on that plane and leave me.

Ilsa: You tell yourself whatever you need to. I’ll wave at you through one of the little windows. It’ll be our thing. Okay.

[Ilsa tries to leave]

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Oh, Paris. Paris is the best. Such a cool place. Oh, look! The staircase just popped out of the plane and that’s where my little feet need to go.

Rick: I’ve got a job to do.

Ilsa: Yes, you do.

Rick: Where I’m going, you can’t follow.

Ilsa: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.

[Plane engine noise]

Oh, F words! F words! Do you hear that? That’s plane engine noises. Oh, I should go.

Rick: Ilsa.

Ilsa: What?

Rick: I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take too much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy love.

Ilsa: Oh, beans are crazy. Crazy beans.

Rick: Some day you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick! [takes a deep breath] Bye!

[Ilsa leaves]

Career Day

Mrs. Riley… Leslie Jones

Teacher… Cecily Strong

Mr. Ronion… J.K. Simmons

Jake… Pete Davidson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Fireman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a vet doctor speaking in front of the class in Career day..]

Mrs. Riley: Now, with kittens, it’s usually the cute ones that scratch you.

Teacher: Ah! Thank you Rachel’s mom, [Mrs. Riley goes back] for talking to us about being a veterinarian. [Cut to Teacher] Okay. Career day continues with Jake’s dad.

[Cut to the class. Everybody is clapping.]

Mr. Ronion: Thanks. [walks in front of the class] Hey, buddy!

Jake: Hey, dad!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Hi, I’m Mr. Ronion. And I am a Japanese messy boy. I know, what is that? Well, there is a small group of rich powerful Japanese women enjoy watching muscular older American men eat messy food in a sloppy almost childlike way. And I do that for a living.

[Cut to the students. Jake has his ears closed.] [Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: Um, we usually ask our parents to describe a typical workday. But it’s up to you.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: I’d love to. On appointment days, I am driven to a huge empty mansion and ushered into a changing alcove where I disrobe and put on a pair of little boy’s underpants. I know, get out the giggles. I said ‘underpants’.

[Mr. Ronion opens his briefcase]

I also wear this bib. [Bib that says ‘Lil Missy’.] And this hat. [A little boy hat] [Cut to everybody]

Here, you guys can pass that around if you like.

[Mr. Ronion hands over the cap to the students.]

I then sit at a three small white table in a very small red plastic chair and eat a meal while the wealthy Japanese woman watches and silently judges me.

[Cut to Kyle raising his hand]

Kyle: What kind of food do you eat?

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: No, you know what? We don’t need to take up any more Mr. Ronion’s time.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: No! Not a problem. Well, the food changes but it’s always sloppy. Overstuffed meatball sammies, beeforoni, a large hamburger that’s difficult to manage.

[Cut to Sasheer raising her hand]

Sasheer: Do you get a napkin?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Oh, I wish! No, no, no. Japanese messy boys are forbidden from using napkins. After I finish the meal, the woman stands and says “Kono Americahito moto kau”, which translates roughly as, “The American boy eats in the manner of a pig.” She then storms out and an assistant hands me $45,000 in cash. Any questions?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody including students and parents are raising their hands.] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I forgot to ask Mrs. Riley. What’s the hardest part about being a vet?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Mean dogs. [turns to Mr. Ronion] Man, how the hell did you get a job like that?

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: Well, I was approached leaving my tennis club. A Japanese man in a suit was waiting in my car with a wooden box with a cocoon inside. And he said, “Careful this”, and split. Three weeks later, when the butterfly finally came out, hand to god, there was a piece of parchment attached to it’s freaking leg with an address on it. Jakie was there. You remember the butterfly, buddy?

[Cut to Jake being embarrassed]

Jake: Yap!

[Cut to Mr. Ronion]

Mr. Ronion: He’s embarrassed. So cute.

[Cut to Teacher]

Teacher: And, um, any more questions?

[Cut to everybody. One of the parents is raising his hand.]

Fireman: Hey, man. I don’t have a question but you get paid to eat like a pig. I mean, you’re my hero. And that’s coming from a fireman.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion nodding his head. His phone rings.]

Mr. Ronion: Oh! Getting a call on my work phone. Hey, do you guys wanna hear it?

[Cut to Mrs. Riley]

Mrs. Riley: Oh, please put that on speaker. Please.

[Cut to Mr. Ronion. He puts the phone on speaker.

Mr. Ronion: Yes, Mr. Nakomoto.

Guy on the phone: We really pick up a messy boy in 10 minutes. Today, barbecue rib. Client expect big mess.

Mr. Ronion: Got it, thank you sir.

[Mr. Ronion hangs up the phone]

Okay, um, [Mr. Ronion takes back his boy hat] well guys, I gotta run. Um, you heard the man. So, I guess if you have any more questions, Jakie can fill you in.

[Cut to Jake looking embarrassed]

Jake: Can’t wait.

Mr. Ronion: Oh, and tell your mom I’ll be eating dinner at work tonight.

Jake: Got it! Got it!

[Cut to everybody]

Fireman: Whoo! Living the dream, messy boy! Yeah! Messy boy!