Tag: episode 13

Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!

Weekend Update Von Miller Explains Gravitational Waves

Von Miller

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Thursday, scientists announced that the detection of gravitational waves whose existence was first proposed by Albert Einstein in 1916. Now, it’s a pretty complicated idea. So here to explain it to us is Denver Broncos linebacker and Super Bowl MVP, Von Miller.

[Von Miller slides in]

Von Miller: How are you doing, Michael?

Michael Che: I’m okay. Von Miller. Now so, Von, you studied science in college, right?

Von Miller: Yeah. I guess you can say that I did.

Michael Che: Okay. Now, explain this to us. The gravitational waves were discovered when two black holes collided with each other. Is that correct?

[Cut to Von Miller]

Von Miller: That’s right. Let me put it like this. Picture two huge forces slamming together. Like say me and Cam Newton.

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You’re just talking about football, man.

Von Miller: No, I’m talking about science. [Cut to Von Miller] Now these forces collide, it makes gravity waves. Like when I collided with Cam Newton and forced him to form.

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Sounds like you’re bragging. Are you sure you’re not bragging about this?

Von Miller: Come on! I told you this is science, man.

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Von Miller]

Von Miller: Now these waves are everywhere in the universe. Just like I’m everywhere when Cam Newton closes and he’s like, [making faces]

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Von, you already won, man.

Von Miller: Look, this is a huge discovery. [Cut to Von Miller] No one ever thought it would happen. Kind of like no one ever thought that we would keep the number one offence to just eight points. Hey, but it happened. And it’s amazing. Discovery proves that Einstein’s theory ME=MVP.

Michael Che: Well you got that right. Von Miller everyone!

Weekend Update Rachael Invites Colin to Central Perk

Colin Jost

Rachael… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This month, NBC will air it’s special. The features are reunion of the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Here to comment is Rachael from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachael slides in]

Oh, my god. This is incredible. You know, it’s so great see you Rachael.

Rachael: Oh, Colin. Oh, hi. [Cut to Rachael] Hi. Oh! [Michael Che laughing] Wow! Yeah! Yes.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You know Rachael, I gotta say I haven’t seen you since the 90s’ probably. How have you been?

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah! [Cut to Rachael] Yeah, I’ve been. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’ve been good. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Good. Good. So are you excited to see all your friends again?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Rachael] You know. Joey, Chandler, Phoebs, Mon, and of course, you know, Ross. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s all of them.

Rachael: Yeah. You know, I’m seeing them tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is playing the show at Central Perk and then we’re all gonna jump in the fountain with umbrellas. Yeah. Oh, you know, you should come. Oh, I’ll see you there.

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music]

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is speaking on the phone.]

Yeah, okay bye.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What just happened?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Oh yeah. Yeah, that happens to me every few minutes. Yeah. It’s weird. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s weird. Oh! Speaking of which, [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost] hey, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s what? Where? Oh, that is Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: She’s on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She has never seen a black person, Colin!

[Cut to Rachael, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, why don’t you both come over tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is gonna bring her new boyfriend and he’s not gonna fit in. I’ll see you there. Yeah!

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music]

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is playing with a baby.]

Oh, shh!

Colin Jost: Wait! Now you have a baby?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes yeah.

[Rachael passes the baby away]

Colin Jost: Rachael, okay. Is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, I don\t– Okay. What? Yeah. Huh?

[F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song playing]

Colin Jost: Rachael everyone.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones’s List

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Manwel… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day has officially started right now and here to comment is our Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! How y’all doing? Thanks for having me, Colin. Happy valentine’s day everybody.

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day Leslie. Are you having a good one? Are you having a good valentine’s day?

Leslie Jones: I am not you sexy miracle whip. I just wanna spread you on my sandwich. Listen, [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m happy being single on valentine’s day because I know the perfect man is out there for me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. Well, they say there’s someone for everyone. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely. You want a list? [Cut to Leslie Jones] Let’s dim the lights. [The lights dim] Give me something smooth Manwel.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Manwel?

Leslie Jones: He is my piano player.

[Cut to Manwel playing piano]

Manwel: Ola.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Take it away, Manwel. My perfect man is happy, kind, a good kisser but not wet. Don’t slob on me. Good breath. Treats me with respect. Tight ass. Considerate. I’m talking about an ass so tight, it can crack walnuts. I love walnuts. Good hair. Nice skin. Smells like an Israeli. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] Have you ever smelled an Israeli?

Colin Jost: Definitely not. No.

Leslie Jones: [whispering] So good.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Generous. Punctual. Good size penis. One that is circumcised and functioning all the time. Big smile, which shouldn’t be a problem if your penis is functioning all the time. I wanna man who is confident. Likes flowers but don’t send me any flowers because I don’t life flowers. Flowers is death. You know how body decomposes and starts to stink? That’s what you sending me when you sending me flowers. Coz you done already cut them up and you sending to me coz they dead! And they stink of death. Death-fumes. I got a bag full of rotten garbage dead flowers. A bag full of death.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [putting his hand of Leslie’s shoulder] Are you okay, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: [looks at his hand touching her and smiles] I’m fine.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Patient. [Colin laughing] Hate avocados. I need a man that talks dirty to me but not so dirty where I gotta give him this look. [makes faces] I want a man that’s loyal. Funny, but not funnier than me. And so far, that has not been problem. [Michael Che laughing] Smokes weed. Mom loves me but not enough where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed. I want a man who can grill a steak without having to cut into it and check if it’s cooked [looking at Colin] like a little bitch.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey! How many steaks have you seen me cut?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Completely despises avocados.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait! You already mentioned the avocados

Leslie Jones: Then clearly that is important to me Jost!

Colin Jost: I have to say Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.

Leslie Jones: Because these are the qualities that I admire about myself. Except for the part about the good sized penis. But make no mistake, that if I had a penis, it would be huge!

Colin Jost: [laughing] Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: Huge!

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Every Chipotle in the country this week shut down for four hours to hold a company wide staff meeting about food safety. Meanwhile, Panda Express shut down for two hours to hold underground rat fights. [Picture changes to two rats and a man holding money.]

Michael Che: So much money on rat fight.

Colin Jost: A new survey lists the most romantic city in the country as Alexandria, Virginia, while the least romantic city is once again Flu Farts, Ohio.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of OJ Simpson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The renowned doctor who discovered CTE in football players says that he is absolutely certain that OJ Simpson suffers from the condition. He believes OJ develops CTE due to repeated injuries he suffered while committing double murder.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But do you get it?

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a rally Baden Rose this week, Donald Trump singed the hand of a toddler. The message sweetly and simply, “Deport me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just yesterday, Ted Cruz pulled a new campaign ad after it was revealed that a woman featured in the ad was a former softcore porn actress. And once you know she’s a porn actress, the guy’s entrance at the end of the ad is a lot more fun. Here it is.

[Cut to the ad]

Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

[They are having a focus group meet]

[A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]

Man: You guys have room for one more?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m beginning to think that started as a porno and then they just ended up talking about Ted Cruz. I mean, listen to it again with a music turned up.

[Cut to the ad]

Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

[They are having a focus group meet]

[A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]

[porn music playing]

Man: You guys have room for one more?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I’m Ted Cruz. And I approve this [dubbed in different voice] porno.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: All seamless voicover.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag]

Us officials say that the satellite North Korea launched into orbit is tumbling and incapable of functioning. Earning it the nick name, Marco Rubio.

[Picture changes to Peyton Manning]

Anheuser Busch is saying that Peyton Manning was not paid to say that he was going to say he wanted to drink a lot of Budweiser after the Super Bowl. And I guess it was just a coincidence that he left the field on a wagon drawn by clydesdales screaming, “Wazzaup?”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican logo at left top corner.]

Tonight’s GOP debate just ended in South Carolina and Donald Trump was repeatedly boo-ed throughout the evening. Here’s a quick clip of Trump responding to Jeb Bush.

[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [audience boo-ing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And the crazy thing is all Jeb said was, “It’s great to be here in South Carolina.” And also, don’t you guys know? You can’t boo Donald Trump. He doesn’t hear boo’s. If you boo Donald Trump, in his head, it’s just this.

[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [edited clip of girls cheering]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Democrat’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders both made consorted efforts to appeal to African-American voters. One, a lot more than the other. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton wearing Beyonce outfit.]

At the end of that debate, Hillary pulled hot-sauce out her bag.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Al Sharpton at the same table]

This week, Benie Sanders met with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem. And let’s just say they did not tip well.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton at their podiums at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the democratic debate, Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders saying that he needs to be more honest with voters about the difficulty of accomplishing many of his proposals. While Clinton’s critics say she has to be honest with voters about–

[funny music playing]

[A list appears]

[List- Benghazi, private email server, Goldman Sachs speaking fees, whitewater, healthcare gate, troopergate, travelgate, filegate, paradongate, mishandling of classified emails, lied about sniper fire in Bosnia, questionable profits from selling cattle futures, Vince Foster, support of DOMA, support of don’t ask don’t tell, questionable use of Clinton Foundation Donations, Clinton Foundation conflicts on interest, Clinton Foundation tax returns, took furniture from White House.]

All that stuff and– [funny music playing and list appears again] Oh, there’s more?

[List- Did not declare gifts from King of Morocco, used influence to have brother appointed to Haiti mining company, campaigns of intimidation against opponents, Sydney blumenthal advice, connection to Radical Saul Alinsky, pressured Huma Abedin to divorce Anthony Weiner, connection to Peter Franklin Paul, missing law firm billing records, conflicts of interest in foggy bottom, received campaign funds from Iranian government, sale of uranium to Russia in exchange for donations, IRS audit against conservative groups.]

You gotta be honest about that.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump promised this week that he will stop using profanity and other vulgar language on the campaign trail saying, “As we get closer, you will be shocked at how presidential I’ll be.” Adding, “You’ll love it so much, you’ll cream your jeans.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Beyonce at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Beyonce faced outrage for her controversial half time performance. But also, no she didn’t. Can we just stop overusing the word ‘outrage’? When did ‘outrage’ go from pitchforks and torches to strongly worded tweets? I mean, even if you were outraged, what are you really gonna do about it? What? Stop listening to Beyonce? Impossible! She’s too good. She’s like the Beyonce of music. And the better you are at something, the more you can get away with. You know, not a long ago, there was an actual petition to kick Justin Bieber out of the country just for being a horrible person. And then we heard that song ‘Sorry’ and we were like, “Ah, you can stay man.” People got mad when Kanye tweeted Bill Cosby is innocent this week. But my first thought was, “Damn! Kanye’s new album must be dope!” And it is! When you’re that dope, you can say whatever you want. My grandmother is the most prejudiced person I know and we all ignore it. Why? Because she is Beyonce of sweet potato pies.

[The End]

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.]

[The End]

Singing on Primaries

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]

Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?

Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?

All: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.

Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.

Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.

Vanessa:  mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!

Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…

All: She’s no Bernie.

[music playing]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize

[Cut to Taran and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.

Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Bernie is the best.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Vanessa: Bernie is change.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark

[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]

at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you

Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.

Hillary Clinton: I love you.

Aidy: But not when Hillary does.

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

[Hillary Clinton walks away]

Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?

Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.

Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.

Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.

Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.

Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.

Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.

Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.

All: Yes, he’s the best.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t

Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t

[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.

All: You do?

Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?

[everybody laughing]

[music playing]

[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]

Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–

Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?

Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?

Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.

Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.

Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.

[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]

Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!

[plays rock guitar]

I’ll see you in the south

[plays rock guitar]

And live from New York

[plays rock guitar]

It’s Saturday Night!

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]