Tag: episode 3

Trump’s Tweets

Donald Trump

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Donald Trump sitting on a couch]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not going to be on the next sketch. It was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn’t want to rehearse. You know what? It’s still going to going to be great. And since I can’t do it and be in it, I’ll do the next best thing, I’ll live tweet it. Sit back, relax, enjoy the sketch and enjoy my tweets.

[Cut to Cecily and Taran at a restaurant]

Taran: Ah! I have got to say there is nothing more romantic than celebrating our honeymoon here in Italy.

Cecily: Aw, I’m so sad this is our last night in Rome.

Taran: I know. Tomorrow, it’s back to Cleveland.

Donald Trump’s tweet: This sketch is not funn. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Cecily: Ha-ha. I’m so excited for dinner. You know, the guide book says this is the most romantic restaurant in the city.

Taran: Ooh!

Cecily: Yeah.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Cecily Strong is not a nice person.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Taran: Ah! Well, the menu says that the place is family run and the couple who owns it has been married for fourty years.

Cecily: Aw, that’s so sweet. I think that will be us one day.

Taran: Oh, it better be.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Yeah right. Who would marry @TaranKillam? He’s an over-rated clown.

[audience laughing]

Taran: Why are people laughing?

Cecily: Is he tweeting bad stuffs about us?

Taran: I don’t know. I can’t see.

Cecily: Okay.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Welcome to Amore, the most romantic restaurant in all of italy.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Kate McKinnon was born stupid.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Okay. So, I am Carmela. And back in the kitchen is my husband Javani. We are in a middle of a huge fight but don’t worry, it won’t affect your meal tonight. Now, let me tell you about the special. First up we have the ‘my husband is stupid’ spaghetti.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Not funny.

Kate: [In Italian accent] We also have ‘I can’t stand my husband’ cavatelli.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon. ‘I’m a low-class slob.’

Kate: What’s it? What is he saying?

Taran: I don’t know.

Kate: [In Italian accent] And finally for dessert, we have ice-cream-you-scream-we-all-scream-at-my-husband.

Donald Trump’s tweet: I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.

Kate: Is he ripping us apart?

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. He definitely is.

Taran: I don’t know why. He has been nice all week. [Cut to Taran] I mean I know he likes me .

Donald Trump’s tweet: Oh great, more screen time for super dud @TaranKillam.

Taran: Well, Carmela, I think we are ready to order.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Oh, great! But before you do, my husband Javani has some corrections to the menu.

[Kenan walks in looking very concerned]

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Hi. I am Jevani.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Who’s this nobody?

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Tonight, I am out of steak. I’m out of emotions. I am out of a patience with my wife Carmela

Donald Trump’s tweet: An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson’s birth certificate is a fraud.

Kenan: What? What do you think he just tweeted?

Donald Trump’s tweet: Sorry folks, but add a “y” to “Kenan” and you get “Kenyan.”

[audience laughing hard]

Kenan: Probably something with like, Kenan and Kenyan right?

Kate: I know.

Cecily: I mean yeah.

Taran: That’s exactly what it is.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Anyway. Please don’t let my husband ruin the mood. Your night should be romantic. That’s why our grandson little Luca is now gonna sing a song for you.

[Cut to Vanessa dressed as a little boy.]

Vanessa: I don’t wanna be in this sketch anymore.

[Cut to Kate and Kenan]

Kenan: Vanessa, you have to. This is live.

[Cut to Vanessa]

[music playing]

Vanessa: [singing] When you have too much wine
so you scream all the time

that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is an average talent and a total loser.

Vanessa: What’s he saying? Is it about my teeth? [yelling] These aren’t my real teeth.

[singing] When my nana throws plates at my no-nose dump face that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.

Vanessa: Cut away! Cut away from me.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily, Kate and Kenan]

Taran: Vanessa. You can’t do that.

Kate: No.

[Leslie walks in with Vanessa]

Leslie: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m sorry y’all. I’m sorry to interrupt this sketch. [laughing] Sorry Lorne. But you guys, y’all have to see what Donald Trump is tweeting about y’all. He hates you Taran. He hates you.

Taran: Me? Why?

Donald Trump’s tweet: I have tremendous respect for Leslie Jones. She’s a winner.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] Hah! He just tweeted about me. He hates y’all but he likes me. I love you too, Donald.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Thanks Leslie. AndI love the blacks.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] What?

[Leslie rages towards the camera]

What you! You is a mons–

[Video shuts down]

[The End]

Toots Interrupt Donald Trump’s Announcement

Donald Trump

Toots… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a BTS member and Donald trump in front of SNL stage screen]

BTS member: Okay, Mr. Trump. Here’s a look at the music end show from the last time you hosted.

[The video plays]

Donald Trump in the video: Ladies and gentlemen, Toots and the Maytals.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Toots and the Maytals, they were the musical guests.

[Toots walks in wearing coat that’s red, green and yellow color.]

Toots: Ay, did somebody say Toots?

Donald Trump: Sorry?

Toots: Toots, man! It’s me. It is me. Ay, man, I haven’t seen you in ages, Donald. Where did you go after the show last time? I was trying to find you for the after party, but I was following you in your limo on my moped and you must have lost me at a traffic later somewhere, man.

Donald Trump: I didn’t realize that. I didn’t realize.

Toots: No, no. It’s cool, man. It’s cool. Man, I can’t believe that was 13 years ago.

Donald Trump: Actually, it was 11.

Toots: Well, you say 11, I say thirteen113. So anyway, let me just catch you up with what I’ve been up to since then.

Donald Trump: Listen Toots, I’m in the middle of introducing Sia.

Toots: Well, things have been good. Yeah, family, good. Wife is good. Yeah, let me show you some pictures. Oh, you know what? While I have my phone out, what’s your number again? You know, I switched from Sprint to Cocotel and I lost all my contacts.

Donald Trump: I don’t give out my number to anybody.

Toots: Well, you did it for Lindsey Graham. Hah! Just kidding man! I’m just Toots-ing your horn. Okay. Anyhow, I notice you haven’t chosen a vice president yet. You know, I was sitting on the beach eating some deep fried parrot and I started thinking, “Maybe Toots?”

Donald Trump: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Toots: Coz musical guest is kind of like the vice president of the show. So in way, I’ve already done it. I even wrote a campaign song.

[music playing]

[His band musician appears beside him]

[singing] Trump Toots, Trump Toots
Let’s Trump together and Trump some Toots

It’s pretty good, isn’t it?

Donald Trump: You know I carry a gun, don’t you?

Toots: I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be seeing you later.

[Toots and his musician leaves]

[The End]

Where Jackie Chan At Right Now

Tracy Morgan

Kenan Thompson

Chris Tucker… Kenan Thompson

Chuck Norris… Kyle Mooney

Steven Seagal… Bobby Moynihan

Owen Wilson… Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Osama Bin Laden… Pete Davidson

[Starts with “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?”

[Morgan and Kenan are sitting on a sofa at their set]

Morgan: Alright, welcome to ‘Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?’

Kenan: As always, we asking the question. Where Jackie Chan at right now?

Morgan: I wanna know where he at.

Kenan: I wanna know where he at and what he doing right now.

Morgan: Where is he? Where is Jackie Chan? And just don’t tell us he’s in Asia.

Kenan: Yeah! Jackie Chan was in movies as well as karate. And nobody knows where he is.

Morgan: Where the heck are you, Jackie Chan? Don’t do this to us.

Kenan: Okay, the phone lines are open.

Morgan: Caller one, where Jackie Chan at?

Rebecca S.: Is he in Asia?

Morgan: I just said don’t tell me that.

Kenan: We checked with Asia. He’s not there. Next caller. Where is Jackie Chan?

Grace S.: Maybe he has lost all his money and he’s living in the woods.

Morgan: Wrong. I called him. He’s worth $48 trillion. This call is over. Case dismissed.

Kenan: Okay, caller three, where is Jackie Chan?

Theo S.: Um, are you sure he’s still alive?

Morgan: You fat dummy. Jackie Chan is 26. You think he’s dead? He’ll come over there and karate-chop you on your face.

Kenan: You are banned from this show. Okay, it’s time to meed our guest. Chris Tucker, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Yo! You wanna know where Jackie Chan at? You wanna know where he at? I tell you where Jackie Chan at. I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know. Man, I don’t know, man!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Chris Tucker: Well, then why you come on our show?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Taxes.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: People need to respect this show. Next guest.

Kenan: Chuck Norris. Where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Chuck Norris in his fighting stance.]

Chuck Norris: I don’t know.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Steven Seagal, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Steven Seagal]

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t tell ya’.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Owen Wilson, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Owen Wilson]

Owen Wilson: I don’t know man, it’s weird.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Lady from Karma, San Diego, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Sorry, gum shoes.

[Sasheer looks through a magnifying glass]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Young Osama Bin Laden, you know where Jackie Chan is?

[Cut to Osama Bin Laden with his skate board]

Osama Bin Laden: No, bro!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Leslie Jones, you see Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I saw him on East 85th street.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: What? When?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: 1997.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Did you have any sense of where he was headed next?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Downtown?

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Okay, write that down.

[Kenan brings up a big notebook to write that down.]

Kenan: Okay, so far, we know that Jackie Chan was in Rush Hour, Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2.

Morgan: We know that he was born in Asia but didn’t necessarily stay there.

Kenan: And we know that he is somewhere between 4 and 7 feet tall.

Morgan: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick 45 minute break.

Kenan: When we return, we’re gonna check our trap to see if we caught a Jackie Chan.

[Cut to the trap. It’s made out of a box and a wood. The bait is ninechucks.]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: The search continues.

[The End]

 

Weekend Update Willie on Halloween

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Woodrow… Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.

Michael Che: You mean feet?

Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?

Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.

Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I meant I’m not dressing up at all, Willie. I don’t even like Halloween.

Willie: But aren’t you excited about all the delicious Halloween candies, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Um-um. I can taste them now. Necco wafers, raisins, duck salt’s packets, rubber bands.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s not even candy, dude!

Willie: You know, every Halloween, my daddy would bring me to his favorite pumpkin patch up state. And he’d pick out the biggest, roundest pumpkin there. [Cut to Willie] We’d take it home, wash it. He’d carve a cute little face on to it, dress it up in a cute little wig and a cute little costume, turn it around, carve out a cute little hole in the back…

Michael Che: Oh, come on!

Willie: And then send of off to bed early.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “Your daddy’s drilling those pumpkins Willie. It ain’t natural.”

Michael Che: Dude! These are like, horrible memories.

Willie: Oh, well, you know what I love the most? Haunted houses. [Cut to Willie] Every block has a spooky old place. And in my old neighborhood, it belonged to old man Jeff Dahmer. Boys were always running out of there terrified. And my job was to push them back in.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You worked there, Willie?

Willie: Well, it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world. But work is work. [Cut to Willie] Plus, I always got a free home cooked meal.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

But you know who loved Halloween? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] He was always trying to scare me with his spooky prank whether he be hanging from the door by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the coat rack by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the ceiling fan by his lease licking himself…

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, I get it man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “That’s learned behavior, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, how are you able to stay this positive, despite going through all these horrible things?

Willie: Well, Michael, I’m looking up to have a help of the most accomplished and accredited life coach in the world.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. It costs me every dime I have but it’s worth every cent. Come on out here Woodrow .

[Woodrow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Woodrow: [speaking on the phone] I’ll call you back, Opra. I’m with the client.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie, this guys is not a life coach.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: Yes, I am. I have my degree right here.

[Woodrow puts a deodorant on the table]

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: That’s just deodorant, man!

Willie: Well, now, Michael, let’s be respectful.

Michael Che: I’m just saying.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: No, Willie, he is right. I’m not a big shot life coach and that wasn’t really Opra on the phone. I guess I made it up so you would like me. I’m just a big fat phony.

Willie: Oh! Woodrow, you’re not a phony. You saved my life.

[Woodrow looks at Willie]

Woodrow: Really?

Willie: Yeah. Reminds me of that song that you taught me.

[music playing]

[singing] Little TV sets
going off inside my ears

Woodrow: Spacemen floating by
firecracker here

Willie and Woodrow: Chased the demons lightly
music hits your eye
up and down the sidewalk
take a doo-doo pie
I love you.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie and Woodrow, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Tina Fey on Playboy

Colin Jost

Tina Fey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now, losing nude photos from Playboy is quite a cultural shift for America. Here to comment on that cultural shift, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey]

Tina Fey: Yes, Playboy magazine has announced that they will stop publishing naked photos early next year. Dashing the dreams of many beautiful young women who had hoped to one day move to Los Angeles and then just by changing every single aspect of her appearance, maybe become Miss February, and then work her way up the company ladder until one day she gets invited to have an early bird fake five way with 100 year old sex monster.

But you know what really killed Playboy, Colin? The internet. The internet cut out the middleman. We don’t need an old man anymore to choose which one of us gets to sell picture of our boobs. We can all sell our boobs now. It’s the sharing economy. Okay? It’s Airbnb for crotch shots. I have my own for profit porn site. You ever hear of um, Overstock.com?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Tina Fey]

Colin Jost: Yep. Heard of that.

Tina Fey: Well, that name was taken. [Cut to Tina Fey] So, mine is called www.milf.org. Moms I like to be friends with, and it’s .org Colin coz it’s for your org.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing.]

Now, my porn website [Cut to Tina Fey] is all arm butts. Check this out. [Camera zooms to Tina Fey’s closed elbow]

Yeah, you like that? Give me your credit card number. Get in there, Colin. Get in there.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost puts his finger there]

It’s not gonna hurt.

Colin Jost: I don’t think this is right.

Tina Fey: This is our future, Colin. This is our economic independence. [Cut to Tina Fey] Girls need to learn coding and arm butts. Which isn’t to say that I’m not sentimental about the end of Playboy’s center folds. There’s always a certain amount of nostalgia when you come to the end of an era. And for me personally, it means that my dream of posing for Playboy will never come true. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl. I’ve dreamed of doing all the poses. I was gonna do this one.

[Tina Fey puts one hand on her breast and finger of another hand in her mouth.]

[Tina Fey climbs on the table and poses]

I was gonna do this one in just a half Eagle’s jersey in tube socks.

[Tina Fey raises her one leg and poses]

And I was gonna do this one in a Bella Hay.

Colin Jost:  I don’t know if I know where to look.

Tina Fey:  I think you do, Colin. We gotta get going though coz last time I did this long, a baby came out.

Colin Jost: Tina Fey, everyone!

[Tina Fey gets off the table and runs towards the audience]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid an a handgun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A two year old in South Carilona found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother in the back. Like a coward! Which by the way, this would have never happened if the grandmother also had a gun. Perfect logic.

[Picture changes to space]

Astronomers have discovered a mysterious object orbiting a distant star and speculate that it may be a massive alien super structure. So, that’s it, folks. We’re all dead. We had a good run, didn’t we Jost?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’re not gonna tell a joke?

Michael Che: Ain’t no joke man. The aliens are coming. And when they do, one of two things are gonna happen. Either they’re gonna eat us, or they’re gonna have sex with us. That’s the only reason people travel. It’s just true. Anytime my friends come back from vacation, they tell me two things. What they ate and who they had sex with. And I’m scared. I’m scared that soon earth is gonna be alien Thailand. Where strange alien businessmen make us do weird tricks with pingpong balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

I don’t got the hips for that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Alien businessmen? What are you talking about?

Michael Che: Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m– Listen, I live in a all white neighborhood, okay? I do. And every time I look out of my window, I see white people jogging, all of them. And I’m like, “What are these white people training for?” Now, I know. Y’all trying to leave us.

Colin Jost: I man, yeah. But…

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a city and democrat’s logo at left top corner]

The first democratic presidential debate was held Tuesday evening at Las Vegas. Vegas was the perfect city since the debate featured old white people who keep playing no matter how bad they’re losing. Mike Huckabee was criticized during the debate when he tweeted that he trusts Bernie Sanders with his tax dollars like I trust a North Korean chef with my Labrador. And I just wanna say, I trust Mike Huckabee with a joke like I trust [Picture changes to Jared] Jared with my laptop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll shows that Donald Trump’s lead over Ben Carson has shrunk to only 5%. Voters like Carson because of his inspiring story and his gentle way of speaking. Oh, I get it. They think he’s radio. [Picture changes to a cover poster of the movie ‘Radio’] That’s why they like him.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Remember radio?

Colin Jost: I think so.

Michael Che: So, Donald Trump and Ben Carson are the top two republican candidates despite having zero experience in government at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, we get that Trump and Carson are outsiders and that sounds exciting. But when do you ever really want an outsider? Like, if you need your laptop fixed, you’re not gonna be like, let’s get someone outside the world of computers. Someone who can crack it open and just start ripping out wires.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an audition line.]

Michael Che: The presidency should not be an open call. You know? Like, we can’t find our country’s leader the same way [Picture changes to Nick Cannon in America’s got Talent] Nick Canon finds ventriloquist. And that’s not even fair to Nick Cannon because at least that ventriloquist has experience as a ventriloquist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seal of the President of the United States at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, no more failing up to president. Look at [Picture changes to Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. She got fired from running a company, so she thought, “I know. I’ll be a senator.” Then she lost her senate and she was like, “I hear you loud and clear. President!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, please America. Hold your presidential higher standard than just being over 35 and a citizen.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I am a citizen, I’m almost 35, I should not be president.

Michael Che: True.

Colin Jost: My email address still has a 69 in it. And that’s my work email.

Michael Che: Yeah, you should really do something about that.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oscar Pistorius at right top corner.]

Olympics sprinter Oscar Pistorius known as the blade runner will serve the rest of his five year man slaughter sentence under house arrest. While under house arrest, they will put an electronic monitor on his ankle and then put his ankles on a really high shelf.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of prisoners and a wildfire at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in California are considering a plan to use inmates with violent backgrounds to fight wildfires in the state. California, come for the drought, stay for the burning forest full of murderers.

[Picture changes to Microsoft logo and a chamber]

Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on earth. Well, besides Dodger’s stadium.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of playboy rabbit at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I was taping that. Playboy magazine announced that starting next month, it will no longer feature pictures of naked women. While [Picture changes to Cat Fancy magazine] Cat Fancy is still straight up pussy.

Tracy Morgan Monologue

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Na, I’m just playing. Y’all thought for a minute that was real. But I’m back. It feels so good to be here. You may have seen on the news, I was in a trouble car accident a year ago. It was awful. But also showed me how much love and support I have in this world. So, a couple of months ago I called Lorne Michaels. He’s my co-obi-one-knobi. And I said, “Lorne, when I get back on my feet I wanna come home.” And here I am.

[cheers and applause]

Yo, ay! People were wondering, “Can he speak? Does he have 100% mental capacity?” But the truth is I never did. I might actually be a few points higher now. I’m so lucky I have my comedy family. When this happened, I knew they would all be there to support me. Now, I already knew how much they cared about me. From a very special episode of 30 Rock where my character Tracy Jordan almost died. Take a look at this episode from 2012. It was pathetic. See? I know the word pathetic. My brain works! Anyway, take a look.

[Cut to Alec talking on the phone. The video is marked as ‘Original Air Date October 3, 2012’]

Alec: Thank you doctor. Keep us posted. Bad news, that was my good friend doctor Rand Paul. He says that Tracy technically died for seven minutes after trying to non artificially inseminate his box jellyfish. We don’t know if he’s gonna make it.

[Cut to Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer looking at Alec. They all look concerned.]

[cheers and applause]

Tina: I mean, who would have thought that Tracy’s disgusting fantasies and his love exotic marine life would combine in such a tragic way.

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, we all did, Lemon. That’s why we have an insurance policy that covers his penis being eaten by an arowana.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski]

Jane: I hope Tracy pulls through this. He told me he was gonna get me backstage at the Grammy’s to meet Skrillex and Psy. [looking at the camera] Remember, this is 2012.

[Cut to Jack McBrayer.]

Jack: Oh! Mr. Jordan has got to get better. Who’s gonna teach me to drink Hennessy until I throw up on the Knicks. Who’s gonna remind me to expose myself to dogs to show them who is the alpha?

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, okay, that’s to think about the loss. It’s only when someone or something is taken away from you that you realize how much you really missed it. And even things that seem silly and ridiculous at the time can leave a profound sense of loss when they’re gone. As my friend Kwotonomous Barlin once said–

[Tracy walks in]

Tracy: Boring!

Alec: Good god! Tracy!

Tracy: I’m black and better than ever.

[Jack gets in]

Jack: Jordan, you’re alive! Oh, let me smell your sour ears.

[Jane Krakowski gets in]

Jane: Tracy, I’m so happy that you’re alive. And if you receive any kind of insurance settlement because of this, I may also be in love with you.

Tracy: I love you too tiny Butt Jones. And I won’t miss any more shows, Jackie D. I learned my lesson. Animals that are beautiful and very sexual are not here for our amusement. And I promise you, I’ll never do stupid stuff again.

[Cut to Alec and Jack]

Alec: Well, thank you Tracy. But I gotta be honest, I was so worried that you weren’t going to make it. But you may find a cake that says, “Welcome, Cedric the Entertainer” in your dressing room.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: And I just wanna say one last thing Tracy, from the heart, and this part is no joke. We’re so happy that you’re okay. We’re even happier that you’re ready to make people laugh again. Are those SMASH people under me? [SMASH show ad is under her]

[Cut to Tracy Morgan at the SNL monologue stage]

Tracy Morgan: As you can see, everything is going to be just fine. I got my family here, my cast, my crew and I’ve got my obi-one-knobi Lorne Michaels. So, let’s be funny. Everybody get up here, y’all!

[Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer walk in]

We’ve got a great show for you. Demi Lovato is here. So stick around, we will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

The Loveliest Kingdom

Judith… Aidy Bryant

Thomas… Bobby Moynihan

School Mam… Kate McKinnon

Avanathy… Jon Rudnitsky

Pastor Dane… Taran Killam

Bernard… Tracy Morgan

Cecily Strong

Branda… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with the book ‘The Loveliest Kingdom’.]

[Cut to Judith and Thomas in the market]

Judith: Good morning, farmer Thomas.

Thomas: Oh, good morning spinster Judith. Care for an apple?

Judith: Oh, how generous. I’ll pay for it with a kiss.

Thomas: No need.

Judith and Thomas: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Mam and Avanathy]

Mam: Well, good morning, Avanathy.

Avanathy: Good morning School Mam.

Mam: Shouldn’t you be in school?

Avanathy: Well, shouldn’t you?

Mam: Well, it’s okay for adults to take beautiful days off.

Mam and Avanathy: [singing] And on our way we go.

[Cut to Pastor Dane and Bernard]

Pastor Dane: Ah! Good morning clock maker Bernard.

Bernard: Well, hello there Pastor Dane.

Pastor Dane: Oh, this morning finds you in a jolly mood.

Bernard: I should be.

Pastor Dane: Oh, do tell.

Bernard: I saw a horse take a wiz. It was insane.

Pastor Dane: What

Bernard: It made a puddle so big, our duck landed in it.

Pastor Dane and Bernard: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Bernard leaves and Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Good morning, Pastor Dane. Is there something of matter?

Pastor Dane: Oh, no. No. I don’t think so. I was just talking to Bernard the clock maker. [Bernard walks in]

Bernard: Hey, can I ask you a girl question?

Cecily: Ah! I bet I know what it is and yes, you may have a buttercup.

Bernard: No. Do you cross your legs when you sit on the toilet?

Cecily: Why do I do what?

Bernard: You know, so if someone walks in, you look like a lady.

Bernard and Cecily: [singing with no interest] And on our way we go.

[Dancers are dancing behind Pastor Dane, Bernard and Cecily. Everyone joins them.]

Everybody: This morning is like no morning before

This morning teachers mornings what mornings are for

[Branda walks by]

Pastor Dane: Oh, good morning cheese maker Branda.

Branda: Oh, yes. What a wonderful day it is.

Bernard: It sure is. I wrote a song about titties. Anybody wants to hear it?

Thomas: Bernard! It is 8 am and you are out here in the middle of the square talking utter nonsense. What is wrong with you?

Bernard: I’m just expressing myself. If something’s going on with me? I just say it. Sometimes I don’t even think. You guys are too uptight to say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Judith: He has a point.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: So? Who wants to go first?

[Cut to Pastor Dane]

Pastor Dane: Well, I guess it shall be me.

[Pastor Dane pulls Avanathy]

I’m sleeping with this boy child.

[Cut to Bernard]

Bernard: Wait! [Bernard walks to Pastor Dane and Avanathy] You dong what?

Pastor Dane: Well, Bernard, maybe child is not the right word. He is 18.

Avanathy: He waited till I was 18, so it’s cool

Bernard: No, no, no. You did what?

Pastor Dane: Let’s get the music going.

Bernard: Dude, there ain’t no music. You shouldn’t have told us that.

Pastor Dane: Someone else can take a turn. Cheese lady, go.

[Cut to Branda]

Branda: I can’t even talk right now.

[Cut to Judith, Avanathy and Mam]

Avanathy: It’s okay. If anything, I pushed for it.

Bernard: Alright, it’s okay, as long as you’re happy. It just seems weird.

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, did I tell you about the puddle the horse made?

Everybody: [singing] And on our way we go!

[The End]

Tango

Karen… Sasheer Zamata

David… Taran Killam

Tracy Morgan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Karen and David in the bar booth]

Karen: It’s not a big deal. Just let it go.

[David is having a beer]

David: Uh-uh. I’m just gonna talk to him man to man.

[David starts walking]

Karen: Promise me you won’t lose your temper.

[Karen reaches to Morgan and Jay]

Karen: Excuse me. Excuse me!

[Morgan turns around]

Morgan: Yeah, wad up?

Karen: My girlfriend says you made some inappropriate comments when she walked by? We have a problem?

[Jay talks to Morgan]

Jay: Yo! I know you’re not gonna let a man talk to you like this.

Morgan: Nah! There ain’t no problem. Lovely dove is looking good. Just thought I let her know.

Karen: Let’s just go.

David: Yeah, the thing is she doesn’t need you to let her know anything.

Morgan: Who do you think you talking to?

David: I’m pretty sure I’m talking to you.

Morgan: You wanna tangle with something?

David: Let’s dance right now, bro.

Karen: David!No!

Morgan: Then it’s a good thing I got on my dancing shoes boy! Your lead.

David: After you buddy.

Morgan: [raising his arms] Grab my waist

David: What? Grab your waist?

Morgan: Your lead, fool.

[Karen pulls David away]

Karen: I don’t think he wants to fight. I think he actually wants to dance.

Morgan: You’re damn right I do.

David: No. It’s just a euphemism, Karen.

Karen: No, but look at his shoes.

[Cut to Morgan’s shoes. He is wearing ballet dancing shoes.]

[David walks to Morgan again]

David: Alright, look. Can we just say what we really mean for a second?

Morgan: Now you wanna talk? What happened to all that dancing you promised though?

Karen: This is just a big misunderstanding.

Morgan: If you don’t want to try on me man, then just be a man and say it. You don’t wanna take me bro? You don’t wanna put a rose in my mouth?

David: No! No, I don’t wanna do any of those things. Look, you don’t– I don’t even know how to tango.

Morgan: You wanna learn?

David: No.

Morgan: Why? You scared?

David: What? No!

Morgan: [yelling] Then put your hands on my waist!

David: I thought you wanted to fight.

Morgan: In these shoes?

David: Forget I said anything. Karen, let’s get our of here.

[Karen and David walk away]

Morgan: Oh, I see what’s going on here now. You see the baggy clothes, the hooded sweatshirt, and all you think is I’m some type of thug.

Karen: We didn’t mean that.

Morgan: You sound just like my pops. All I ever wanted to do was dance, lady! I come in by every night. I lean on this jukebox every night hoping that someday someone wants to share the magical rhythm with me. Not with these. [showing his fists]  But with these. [showing his ballet dancing shoes]

Jay: Hilarious!

Karen: It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Sir, I’ll dance with you.

Morgan: No. It’s gotta be him. [pointing at David] I can’t lead. I don’t know how. And you can’t give me.

Karen: David?

[Morgan looks very sad. David feels for him.]

David: Alright. I’ll tango with you.

Morgan: [smiling] Word?

David: [laughing] Yes, word.

[Jay plays a music for tango]

[David and Morgan are ready to dance]

Morgan: alright, grab my waist.

[David grabs Morgan’s waist]

Ou! Not that hard.

[David and Morgan start dancing]

[The End]