Weekend Update: Jules on the Holiday Season

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday season has officially begun. Here in his own unique take on the holidays is Jules who sees things little differently.

[Jules slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jules: Good evening, Colin. Or should I say good-morrow?

Colin Jost: I think good evening is fine. Jules, are you enjoying the holiday season?

Jules: You could say that. But you see, [Cut to Jules] I celebrate the holidays a little differently. While other people leave out milk and cookies for Santa, I leave out CBD and a note that says “You are enough.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So do you like go home for the holidays?

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Well, I live in my dad’s pool house. But no. I’m not allowed in the main house anymore because of a cocaine misunderstanding. But Colin, you’re missing the real point of the holidays. Everyone talks about is Black Friday. But that must stop. The movie is just called Friday. We don’t call it Black Shrek.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait! You think that Shrek is black? \

Jules: His body, his choice, Collin. But you’re missing the point. [Cut to Jules] The holiday shouldn’t be about consumerism. It should be about can-userism. I can use everything around me and turn it into art, the last autumn’s leaf dandling on a tree branch. And old native-American woman on the subway who I take by the hand and say, “Stand up, dance for us like you once did on this land before my disgusting ancestors stole it from you.” She responded, “I’m Filipino”, and I said, “No, you’re free.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This is holiday related?

Jules: My perfect holiday meal you asked?

Colin Jost: I didn’t.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: A table with one person of every ethnicity, white, gay, wheelchair. All seating together, eating nothing but conversation, ideas, delicious. Could you pass the philosophy? And I love seconds on social awareness. Yum, yum, yum, I’m so full… of hope.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s like your plan for Christmas?

Jules: Ah! Why are we even giving these holidays names Colin? [Cut to Jules] Instead of calling it ‘Halloween,’ why don’t we call it ‘A great day for women.’ And instead of ‘Easter,’ why not call it ‘Sister,’ and celebrate our Latina sisters?

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no. You got to get out of here.

Jules: Oh! I’m sorry, do you have a problem celebrating the Sister?

Colin Jost: God damn! Jules, I actually saw a bunch of cocaine in one of the dressing rooms backstage.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, dream powder. I have work to do.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Speaker 3: Jules everyone.

Jules: Santa, free your elf slaves.

Weekend Update Moving Forward with Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

This week, democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So, Trump was right. A lot of Americans will be saying Merry Christmas again. [The picture changes to Nancy Pelosi] After announcing articles impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates president Trump saying, “As a Catholic I don’t hate anyone.” As a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate. Yourself. Also, a Catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump. It would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, wine and a map of France at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned France that if it impose it’s attacks on US tech companies, the US will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I got to admit, it is pretty funny that all the Trump’s tariffs are based on lazy stereotypes. In it was Japan you would attack ninja stars. If it was Italy, spaghetti. God forbid it was a black country. He would probably tax those Popeye chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Just Trudeau left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump called Justin Trudeau two-faced after the Canadian Prime Minister was caught making fun of Trump. And it is true, I’ve definitely seen Trudeau with at least one other face.

[Picture changes to an old picture of Justin Trudeau having black face] [Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.] Michael Che: Oh, you going out swinging! President Trump said he wants to get rid of water saving regulations for toilets.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking in a conference.]

Donald Trump: People are flushing ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What people are flushing toilets 15 times? Besides you. You don’t even drink. You can’t blame whiskey. I don’t want to be gross, but if you’re up to double digit flushes, you might as well just grab it out the bowl and toss it out the window.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Devin Nunes, Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to at representative Devin Nunes, he spoke with Giuliani associate Lev Parnas on the phone for 8 minutes, which if true that would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T. That means that Giuliani, Devin Nunes and Lev Parnas were in constant contact during the whole Ukraine scheme. I’m just impressed these geniuses were able to up with a plan at all. Usually when people with their mental capacity team up, all they do is talk about different kinds of shrimp. [Picture changes to Tom Hanks nd Michael Jace] [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

And now, Rudy Giuliani has traveled to Ukraine to work on a documentary they think will undermine the democrats’ case for impeachment. Does he know how long it takes to make a documentary? Is there a voting on impeachment in like a week. I think when he says a documentary, he might just mean a tiktok.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The white house issued new guidelines that requires people receiving food stamps to work at least 20 hours a week. Good, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are trying to take advantage of them? One time I saw a guy begging on a train, and I was about to give him money. And this lady immediately goes like, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” I don’t know. That smells like pretty real piss.

Weekend Update Nancy Pelosi Prays for Donald TrumpPrays for Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week, Nancy Pelosi was asked by a reporter if she hates president Trump. Here to comment, Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy Pelosi slides in]

Nancy Pelosi: Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi, Nancy. That journalist seem to really get under you skin with that question.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi]

Nancy Pelosi: You know, you never know who is self-identifying as a journalist these days. That word doesn’t mean what it used to. Thank you for the lively debate. Breitbart, Ryan Seacrest.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that reporter. Another reporter also asked if you felt bad for putting the country through whole impeachment process.

Nancy Pelosi: Everybody needs to understand, [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] I am not impeaching Trump because I hate him. I’m impeaching him because of rules. Look, I didn’t want any of this. Remember, it’s not my fault that we’re in this position. It is Trump’s fault. It is not the life guard’s fault for evacuating the pool. It is the rich kids who took a duke in the deep end.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You said that you pray for Trump. Do you actually pray for Trump?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, I pray for him all the time. I’ll do it right now. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi. She joins her hands and starts praying] Lord, help president Trump. If he has to be president, please make him a little better at any of it. Please take him. Not to heaven or anything. Just somewhere else. Just for a little while. Mama needs a break.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And these are prayers?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes. Shh! [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Dear lord almighty, teach him your values and help him understand the gold rule, what it means, and that it’s not a sex thing. God help him with his cares and concerns, like help him to have them about anyone or anything. Here’s an idea. Maybe place a curse on him like in the movie “Liar, liar,” where he is forced to tell the truth for just one week. Come on, lord, even you know that’d be funny.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: These prayers are a little passive aggressive.

Nancy Pelosi: No, no. Some of them are aggressive. Some of them are aggressive, aggressive. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Lord, please watch over Trump organization being run by Eric. Yikes! Please heal the republicans in the senate who all tragically lost their balls. And finally, please bless Lindsey Graham with a baby that’s black and gay.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi here, everyone.

Nancy Pelosi: I’ll pray for you Colin.

Wisconsin Women

Heidi Gardner
Alex Moffatt
Jennifer Lopez
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Kimmy … Chloe Fineman
[Starts with people in hardware store.] Heidi: Oh, look, honey, this is so cute. It’s like a read hardware store. It’s like basic needs things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, babe, imagine me in these gloves. Look manly?
Heidi: It’d be so cute, huh? [Heidi and Speaker 2 walks to the store counter] Hi!
[Cut to everybody] Jennifer: Hi there. How can we help you?
Heidi: Oh, my god, your tights are cute.
Kate: Oh, wow, you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. You hear that?
Jennifer: Yeah! She thinks these are tights. These are reinforced industrial leggings from tractor.
Cecily: Yeah, cute tights don’t matter when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, runnin’ through thorny brush like a tank.
Kate: Yeah. What matters is you don’t scratch your skunk.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Why would you be running through brush screaming?
[Cut to the store keepers] Cecily: Well, to get away, you know?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Speaker 2: From what?
[Cut to the store keepers] Jennifer: I don’t know if you heard but you’re deep in Wisconsin’s bear country.
Kate: Yeah. We have a ton of black bears.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Speaker 2: I’m sorry. Aren’t they hibernating right now?
[Cut to the store keepers] Jennifer: Hah! Did you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. That’s why they’re supposed to be doing. But so many city folks get houses out here and don’t secure their trash.
Kate: Yeah. We call them cidiots!.
Jennifer: These bears, they’re like my husband. He could be sawing logs in the lazy boy but as soon as I come in the door with my Mickey D’s quarter pounder, he’s wide awake ripping my bag apart and—ba dab a ba b,a he’s lovin’it.
Kate: So, what you need today?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Speaker 2: Well, we rented a house and we’re having some friends up and we just want to be prepared.
[Cut to the store keepers] Cecily: So how many folks you having up?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Like 15.
[Cut to the store keepers] Kate: Hey, you got to be careful on something. You don’t want that sucker up the wall.
Cecily: Yeah! you’re gonna need some bacteria kegs to keep that under control. Everybody doing their morning constitutional.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Um, I think our friends would probably just go to Starbucks.
[Cut to everybody] Kate: Come here, come here.
[Kimmy runs in] Why don’t you get them something. Cakes. We have the savings from our owns to put in.
Kimmy: On it!
[Kimmy runs away] [Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2 confused.] Speaker 2: Wow! Is that all of her hair?
[Cut to the store keepers] Kate: Yeah. My girl!
Jennifer: It’s never been cut. She still has her baby hair on the end.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: So is Kimmy your daughter?
[Cut to the store keepers] Jennifer: No, she’s nobody’s daughter. She came with the hardware store.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. She’s just, you know, always been here.
Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, sometimes I hear her cursing and throwing things in the stock room. I’m assuming it’s a shadow from her past.
Cecily: Yeah, local paper wrote about how she was the Rapunzel of this hardware store.
[Kimmy runs in with something in her hand] Kimmy: I found the septic cake.
Cecily: Okay. here you go. This should do you.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2] Heidi: Oh my god! Babe, what did I do with my keto bar?
Speaker 2: Oh! You know what? I think you left it outside because you don’t want anyone to think you eat.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Look!
[Cut to a bear outside the store.] [Cut to everybody] Jennifer: She left a snack bar out? Are you crazy? That bear woke up for it.
Kate: Oh, cidiots!
Cecily: He is supposed to be asleep.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Honey, look how stupid adorable he is.
Jennifer: Adorable? Get the bear repellant.
Kimmy: Getting it and got it.
Kate: Now go outside and spray that bear. It’s your turn.
Kimmy: I am on it.
Cecily: Yeah! Spray works good, right? But, that’s a pain in the tush.
[Kimmy walks to the bear to spray on it.] Cecily: Uh-oh, can’s not working. Kimmy’s bear repellant must have a faulty part.
[Cut to the bear killing Kimmy.] [Cut to everybody] Kate: That bear is flinging Kimmy by her hair.
Cecily: There she goes. Throwing her like a Frisbee.
Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, she’s up. She’s up. Kimmy, get inside.
[Kimmy runs in. She doesn’t has her hair.] Kimmy: I survived but I lost my hair.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Cute hair cut. I’m getting that.
Jennifer: No, I don’t go out there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Is she going to be okay?
Kate: No. NO, she’s dead for sure.
[Cut to Heidi and the bear taking a selfie] [Cut to everybody inside] Cecily: Okay, now, that’s new and different.