Heidi Gardner
Alex Moffatt
Jennifer Lopez
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Kimmy … Chloe Fineman
[Starts with people in hardware store.]
Heidi: Oh, look, honey, this is so cute. It’s like a read hardware store. It’s like basic needs things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, babe, imagine me in these gloves. Look manly?
Heidi: It’d be so cute, huh? [Heidi and Speaker 2 walks to the store counter] Hi!
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: Hi there. How can we help you?
Heidi: Oh, my god, your tights are cute.
Kate: Oh, wow, you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. You hear that?
Jennifer: Yeah! She thinks these are tights. These are reinforced industrial leggings from tractor.
Cecily: Yeah, cute tights don’t matter when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, runnin’ through thorny brush like a tank.
Kate: Yeah. What matters is you don’t scratch your skunk.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Why would you be running through brush screaming?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: Well, to get away, you know?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: From what?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: I don’t know if you heard but you’re deep in Wisconsin’s bear country.
Kate: Yeah. We have a ton of black bears.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: I’m sorry. Aren’t they hibernating right now?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: Hah! Did you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. That’s why they’re supposed to be doing. But so many city folks get houses out here and don’t secure their trash.
Kate: Yeah. We call them cidiots!.
Jennifer: These bears, they’re like my husband. He could be sawing logs in the lazy boy but as soon as I come in the door with my Mickey D’s quarter pounder, he’s wide awake ripping my bag apart and—ba dab a ba b,a he’s lovin’it.
Kate: So, what you need today?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: Well, we rented a house and we’re having some friends up and we just want to be prepared.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: So how many folks you having up?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Like 15.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Hey, you got to be careful on something. You don’t want that sucker up the wall.
Cecily: Yeah! you’re gonna need some bacteria kegs to keep that under control. Everybody doing their morning constitutional.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Um, I think our friends would probably just go to Starbucks.
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: Come here, come here.
[Kimmy runs in]
Why don’t you get them something. Cakes. We have the savings from our owns to put in.
Kimmy: On it!
[Kimmy runs away]
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2 confused.]
Speaker 2: Wow! Is that all of her hair?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Yeah. My girl!
Jennifer: It’s never been cut. She still has her baby hair on the end.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: So is Kimmy your daughter?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: No, she’s nobody’s daughter. She came with the hardware store.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. She’s just, you know, always been here.
Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, sometimes I hear her cursing and throwing things in the stock room. I’m assuming it’s a shadow from her past.
Cecily: Yeah, local paper wrote about how she was the Rapunzel of this hardware store.
[Kimmy runs in with something in her hand]
Kimmy: I found the septic cake.
Cecily: Okay. here you go. This should do you.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Oh my god! Babe, what did I do with my keto bar?
Speaker 2: Oh! You know what? I think you left it outside because you don’t want anyone to think you eat.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Look!
[Cut to a bear outside the store.]
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: She left a snack bar out? Are you crazy? That bear woke up for it.
Kate: Oh, cidiots!
Cecily: He is supposed to be asleep.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Honey, look how stupid adorable he is.
Jennifer: Adorable? Get the bear repellant.
Kimmy: Getting it and got it.
Kate: Now go outside and spray that bear. It’s your turn.
Kimmy: I am on it.
Cecily: Yeah! Spray works good, right? But, that’s a pain in the tush.
[Kimmy walks to the bear to spray on it.]
Cecily: Uh-oh, can’s not working. Kimmy’s bear repellant must have a faulty part.
[Cut to the bear killing Kimmy.]
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: That bear is flinging Kimmy by her hair.
Cecily: There she goes. Throwing her like a Frisbee.
Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, she’s up. She’s up. Kimmy, get inside.
[Kimmy runs in. She doesn’t has her hair.]
Kimmy: I survived but I lost my hair.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Cute hair cut. I’m getting that.
Jennifer: No, I don’t go out there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Is she going to be okay?
Kate: No. NO, she’s dead for sure.
[Cut to Heidi and the bear taking a selfie]
[Cut to everybody inside]
Cecily: Okay, now, that’s new and different.
Tag: Heidi Gardner
Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell
Cecily Strong
Mikey Day
Kyle Mooney
Heidi Gardner
[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]
Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.
[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]
[Cheers and applause]
Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!
Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.
Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.
Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.
[Cut to the reporters]
Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.
[Cut to the reporters]
Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.
[Cut to the reporters]
Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.
Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.
[Gordon Sondland walks in]
I’m holding everybody up, okay?
Gordon Sondland: No.
Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.
[Cut to the reporters]
Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”
[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]
Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?
Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.
Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.
Donald Trump: Thank you.
Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—
Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.
Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.
Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.
Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Pizza Ad
Director… Mikey Day
Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon
Mr. Richard… Will Farrell
Daughter… Heidi Gardner
Son… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]
Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.
Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.
Son: It’s legit, like, good.
[Cut to Director]
Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.
Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”
Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: No! Oh, my god!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]
Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!
[Cut to Director]
Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!
[Cut to
Mr. Richard]
Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: This is so good.
Son: Best pizza ever!
[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]
Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?
Mrs. Richard: No!
Director: You don’t?
Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.
Director: Are you doing okay mom?
Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.
Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Son: Mom, be happy. Please.
[Cut to Director]
Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!
[Cut to the Richard’s family]
Director: How about some pepperoni?
Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!
Son and Daughter: Alright!
Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.
Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.
Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?
Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!
Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Mom, what?
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.
Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.
[Cut to Mrs. Richard]
Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.
[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.]
[Cut to Director]
Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.
[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]
Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Dad! Awkward!
[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]
Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!
Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]
Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?
Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.
[Mrs. Richard walks in]
Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!
Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.
Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.
Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.
[Cut to Daughter and Son]
Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.
[Cut to the Richards]
Mrs. Richard: What did you say?
Daughter: You’re our mom.
Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.
Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!
Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.
Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?
All: Yeah!
Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.
[Cheers and applause]
Heinz
Greg… Will Farrell
Aidy Bryant
Beck Bennett
Heidi Gardner
Kyle Mooney
Chris Redd
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with people having thanksgiving dinner.]
Announcer: It’s thanksgiving. And it wouldn’t be the holidays without Heinz.
[Cut to Greg]
Greg: Honey, could you pass the ketchup?
[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Well, I’m just happy that we’re all together for thanksgiving.
[Cut to Greg squeezing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a fart.]
[Cut to Beck Bennett]
Beck: Whoa, easy there, Greg.
[everybody laughing]
[Cut to Greg looking embarrassed.]
Greg: That wasn’t me. It was the ketchup bottle.
[Cut to Heidi]
Heidi: Are you sure about that, dad?
[everybody laughing]
[Cut to Greg]
Greg: [seriously] Yeah, I’m very sure. [everybody stop laughing] I didn’t cut a fart at thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn’t do that. It’s not who I am.
[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle: Yeah, dad, we know.
Announcer: It happens every year. The ketchup bottle makes an innocent noise and everyone thinks you ripped one at the dinner table. [Cut to Greg sitting on a sofa thinking about it.] They say they believe you, [cut to Chris and Melissa laughing] but you know what they’re thinking. It’s made every thanksgiving a living hell. [Cut to a video clip of Heinz Relax ketchup bottle.] Until now. Introducing Heinz relax. The ketchup you know and love without the uncomfortable noise. Now when you squeeze the bottle, it’s simply lets out a relaxing sigh.
[Cut to people having thanksgiving dinner.] So, this thanksgiving, things Greg be different.
Greg: Honey, can you pass the ketchup?
[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Sure.
[Cut to Chris]
Chris: Can I say I am so grateful to be here—
[Cut to Greg pressing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a girl moaning.]
[Cut to Melissa]
Melissa: What was that?
[Cut to Greg]
Greg: That was a soothing sound of Heinz relax. Looks like this bottle’s almost empty.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: That sounds like—
[Cut to Greg]
Greg: A relaxed sigh. I know.
[Cut to Chris]
Chirs: That ain’t what that sounds like.
[Cut to Greg]
Greg: Hey, everyone just… [showing the Heinz Relax bottle] relax.
Announcer: Spare yourself from further embarrassment with our whole family of Heinz relax products. Glass bottles. [sounds like men groaning when tapped at the back] Mustard. Even Mayo. [sounds like male moaning] Ohh!
[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]
Kyle: Mom, can I be excused?
[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: Absolutely. [Kyle takes Heine relax bottle with him.] Wait, where are you going with that?
Kyle: My room?
Aidy: No. Put that down.
[Cut to Greg]
Greg: The boy loves ketchup, just like his own man.
Announcer: Heinz relax. Now available at your local supermarket. Must be 18 or older to buy.
Cut for Time: Cast List
Beth… Heidi Gardner
Caspar… Mikey Day
Pri… Cecily Strong
Myles… Kyle Mooney
Tyson… Beck Bennett
Aidy Bryant
Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell
Tabby… Ego Nwodim
Camdan… Bowen Yang
Trinity… Kenan Thompson
Tech director… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]
Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.
Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.
Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.
Caspar: I know.
Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?
[everybody laughing]
Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.
Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.
[Cut to everybody]
Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]
Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.
Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”
Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.
Aidy: Yeah!
[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]
Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.
[Cut to Beth]
Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.
[Cut to the actors]
Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.
[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]
[Cut to the actors]
Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.
Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.
[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]
[Cut to the actors]
Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.
[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]
Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.
[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.
[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Well, then, yes sir.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.
[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]
Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Tyson: Sorry sir.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Pri: Um, no comments.
Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Tyson: Absolutely.
Pri: Whatever it takes.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?
[Cut to Tabby]
Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!
[Cut to Caspar]
Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.
[Cut to Caspar]
Caspar: Yes!
[singing]
There goes the baker with his tray like always
[Cut to everybody]
Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.
[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.
[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]
Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]
Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]
[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]
Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.
[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]
Everybody: Oh! No!
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.
[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]
Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!
Everybody: Oh!
[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]
Mr. Koneg: Back up please!
Caspar: What are you doing?
Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.
[Trinity walks in]
Everybody: Trinity!
Mr. Koneg: Shh!
[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]
Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.
Everybody: No! Oh my god!
[The actors try to look at the list]
Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.
[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]
Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.
Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.
[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]
Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?
Everybody: What? No!
[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]
Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!
Childbirth Class
Janelle… Aidy Bryant
Amy… Melissa Villaseñor
Mikey Day
Heather… Ego Nwodim
Donald… Chris Redd
Disa… Heidi Gardner
Magnus… Harry Styles
[Starts with a child birth class. There is a guide and three pregnant couples.]
Janelle: Okay, welcome to child birth class. My name is Janelle. [Cut to Janelle] I’m here as a guide through this very special time. Please feel free to share anything. This safe place.
[Cut to Amy and Mikey]
Amy: I’ll start. Hi, I’m Amy and honestly, my body feels like a mess. My body feels completely different.
Mikey: Oh, honey, you’re doing great.
[Cut to Heather and Donald]
Heather: Hi, I’m Heather. Lately I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.
Donald: Babe, you look beautiful.
Heather: Donald, don’t.
Donald:
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: And, Disa and Magnus, how are you doing?
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Disa: Oh, hi. I guess I’m like these women said, I’m feeling, how do you say in English? Cute.
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: You said you’re feeling cute?
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Magnus: Sorry. She learned English on Instagram. She’s been feeling, how you say, sexy as hell, so to say.
Disa: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I said cute when I meant sexy as hell.[Cut to all three couples] My sisters, we are the same. I love you.
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: So where are you guys from?
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Magnus: Iceland. Disa and I just arrived in America on lip syncing visas.
[Cut to all three couples]
Mikey: What are lip syncing visas?
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Magnus: You know, the lip syncing. To do an example.
[Disa covers her mouth and sings as Magnus tries to lip sync.]
Disa: I can’t feel my face when I’m with, you but I like it.
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: Wow. Very talented. Dads, how is the pregnancy going for you guys?
[Cut to all three couples]
Mikey: I’m kind of scared. Will I even be a good dad?
Donald: I feel you. Don’t know if I’m ready for this.
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Magnus: For sure, my dudes. The struggle is real. Mostly I’ve been snowboarding every day and watching my wife get hotter. Eating Godiva Truffles and making mega gains at the gym. Ready to father. Ready to raise a genius. Maximum effort. Sky’s the limit on dadding.
[Cut to all three couples]
Donald: Dadding?
Mikey: Yeah. Not where I’m at, at all.
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: It sounds like everyone is in different places. Have you been getting exercise? Fresh air?
[Cut to all three couples]
Heather: I used to do yoga four times a week but now just walking up the stairs is hard.
Amy: I’m like, is this even my body? I want to lay down all the time.
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Disa: Oh, yeah! My girls, I feel you. Lucky I have really easy exercise for pregnant. [Disa stands and shows her exercise] So, have you tried? Have you tried? Have you, have you, have you tried? Have you? Ma, ma, ma, have you tried?
[Cut to all three couples]
Heather: No.
Donald: You could try it.
Heather: Donald, you’re in the danger zone.
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: Okay, guys. Now, let’s talk intimacy.
[Cut to Amy and Mikey]
Amy: We don’t have that.
Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t have sex this far along.
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: Well, actually—
Amy: No, [Cut to Amy and Mikey] you can’t.
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Disa: Us too but we find other ways to connect. What is it called? When he, how you say, slide inside?
[Cut to three couples]
Heather: Sex?
Disa: Yes.
Magnus: Our favorite. The sessions are long and wife is very pleased. Have my dudes tried this?
[Disa and Magnus are preparing to show the other couples something]
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: Oh! You don’t to have demonstrate it.
[Cut to Disa and Magnus joining their butts]
Magnus: Have you tried?
Disa: Have you tried?
Magnus: Have you tried, my dudes?
[Cut to Janelle]
Janelle: Okay, you guys. You’ve shared a lot. So, let’s open it up to the rest of the group.
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Disa: Ow, ow, it hurts.
Magnus: Do you want to tell her? Tell her.
Disa: Okay. Safe space, right?
[Cut to three couples]
Heather: Until today.
[Cut to Disa and Magnus]
Disa: I’ve been gaining lots of weight in my butt but it’s not like fat. Magnus, what would you say is happening to my butt?
Magnus: Juice. Her butt is becoming very juicy. I like it so much.
Disa: Because what if I have the baby and my butt stops being juicy?
Magnus: Then it will go back to how it was before, like really fit and toned. It was like a little basketball butt.
Disa: But look how I have that butt. I don’t even know. [Cut to three couples. Disa looking at Heather] I never exercise. Ma’am? Afterbirth, what even is my butt?
Magnus: Let’s all exchange contact information so we can keep in informed after the birth.
[Cut to Amy and Mikey]
Mikey: Informed on what your wife’s butt will be? I’m down.
[Cut to three couples]
Disa: And us girls, too. I want to send you pictures of the babies.
Amy: Wait. You’re having twins?
[Cut to Amy and Mikey]
Disa: Triplets.
Magnus: There’s three of my dudes in there.
[Cut to three couples. Heather is preparing to fight with Disa and Magnus.]
Heather: Now, I’m mad because I’m about to give birth in jail.
[Cheers and applause]
Lunch Run
Kenan Thompson
Heidi Gardner
Rob… Harry Styles
Melissa Villaseñor
Chris Redd
Ego Nwodim
[Starts with a video clip of a commercial building]
Kenan: I’ve got to say. I think it’s a done deal. So, fingers crossed.
[Cut to inside the office]
Heidi: Okay, everybody. The contracts are officially signed.
[Everybody is celebrating]
[Cut to Heidi and Rob]
So, lunch is on the company today. And our new intern, Rob from the UK, is going to pick it up. Thank you, Rob.
Rob: No problem.
Heidi: So, where are we going? Any suggestions?
[Cut to Melissa]
Melissa: There is a new Thai place that’s supposed to be good.
[Cut to Ego]
Ego: Or, how about pizza? That’s always fun to share.
[Cut to Heidi and Rob]
Rob: Sorry, can I make a suggestion?
Heidi: Sure.
Rob: Cool. I thought I could get us all those new chicken sandwiches from Popeye’s.
[Cut to Kenan. He is staring at Rob.]
Kenan: From where now?
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: From Popeye’s. They don’t have one in England but it’s just like KFC, right?
[Cut to Kenan.]
Kenan: No. No, it’s not.
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: Either way, I thought I could go there by myself and get like 15 chicken sandwiches.
[Cut to Ego staring at Rob.]
Ego: By yourself? So, what you want to go to a Popeye’s alone in the middle of the lunch rush, then buy up all the chicken sandwiches?
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: Yes. That’s the plan.
[Cut to Kenan.]
Kenan: Is there even a Popeye’s around here?
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: Sure. I found one just down the street on Frederick Douglass Boulevard.
[Cut to Ego and Kenan staring at Rob]
Kenan: Did you say Frederick Douglass Boulevard?
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: Yes. It’s right between the liquor store and the foot locker.
[Cut to Ego and Kenan staring at Rob. Ego stands.]
[Cut to Melissa]
Melissa: Sounds great. I love chicken sandwiches.
[Cut to Heidi and Rob]
Heidi: Sure, I’m down. I heard their chicken sandwich was so popular that they were out of them for three months.
[Cut to Melissa]
Melissa: Yeah. And when people discovered that they didn’t have any left, they didn’t like it.
[Cut to Kenan.]
Kenan: Man, they went crazy.
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: I’ll be fine. But I hear there’s a line out the door every afternoon. I’m sure they’ll just let me cut. I’ll just go in and say, “Give me every chicken sandwiches you have, I’m in a hurry.”
[Cut to Ego looking at Kenan]
[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Do you really think you can do that?
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: Absolutely. Don’t worry. Even though I’m just an intern, I get things done. I don’t mind yelling if I need to. Even if the cashier is a woman.
[Cut to Chris (Cleaner) staring at Rob]
Chris: I don’t even know you but I don’t think I can let you do this.
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
[Cut to Kenan]
Kenan: Rob, at least take me with you. You can’t carry all that food.
[Cut to Rob]
Rob: No way. I’m the intern and it is my job. And I can hold a lot of sandwiches. I’ll just wear my big backpack and my long coat.
[Cut to Ego and Kenan]
Both: No.
[Cut to Chris]
Chris: Okay, you gonna die.
[Cut to everybody]
Kenan: Okay, look. I’ve got to level with you. There are not many things in this country [Cut to Kenan and Rob] where our people get first dibs but the Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich, that’s one of them.
Rob: Okay.
Ego: It’s like, [Cut to everybody] you have to take a step back on this one. Alright? Imagine if I went to a whole foods and bought up all those white claw seltzers you all like.
[Cut to Heidi staring at Ego]
Heidi: That’s just selfish.
[Cut to everybody]
Kenan: You see? You see that reaction right there? Imagine that times a million.
Chris: We cannot put you in the middle of that situation like that.
[Cut to Kenan and Rob]
Rob: Sorry. I’m going. I have to.
Kenan: Don’t.
Rob: I have to.
Announcer: Jordan Peele presents White Get Out, starring Harry Styles as intern Robert E. Lee. Now available on Disney Plus.
Weekend Update Kid Genius Riley Jenson
Riley Jensen… Melissa Villaseñor
Riley’s Mom… Heidi Gardner
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]
Michael Che: A plane sent to space by the air force returned to earth. Here to talk about it is kid genius Riley Jensen.
[Riley Jenson comes in]
Riley’s Mom: Mama is going to be right over here.
Riley Jensen: Thanks, mom. Hi, everybody. Mr. Che, thanks for having me. [laughing]
Michael Che: Thanks for being here, Riley. What’s it like to be a kid genius?
[Cut to Riley Jensen]
Riley Jensen: Just like a regular kid, only sometimes I go on TV.
[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]
Michael Che: All right. Well, I hear you really know your stuff, so what can you tell me about this space plane?
Riley Jensen: What can’t I tell you? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B spacecraft measures 29 by 9.5 feet with a wing span of 15 feet.
[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]
Michael Che: Wow, that’s pretty big.
Riley Jensen: You bet. And Michael, you know what’s really cool? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B is one of the first unmanned spacecraft to land horizontal on a runway.
[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]
Michael Che: Whoa, cool. How does it do that?
[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]
Riley Jensen: Umm, what?
[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]
Michael Che: You said it lands horizontal. How does that do?
[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]
Riley Jensen: Uh, I—Uh—I don’t know.
[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]
Michael Che: That’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.
Riley Jensen: No, it’s okay. [Cut to Riley Jensen.] Sometimes even geniuses make mistakes.
[Riley’s mom comes in.]
Riley’s Mom: You’re blowing it.
Riley Jensen: This guy’s throwing me curve balls, mom.
Riley’s Mom: Baby, these are softballs and you’re whiffing hard. Okay, you know what? That’s it, we’re canceling “Ellen”.
Riley Jensen: No, no, don’t. If you can’t handle Che, Ellen’s going to eat you alive.
[Riley’s mom leaves]
[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]
Michael Che: Is everything okay, Riley?
Riley Jensen: I’m great. That was my mom. She’s so funny.
Michael Che: Okay, well this is impressive. I hear you know the names of every planet in the galaxy.
Riley Jensen: Yep. All eight.
Michael Che: Well, eight would be our solar system. The galaxy has billions, right?
[Cut to Riley Jensen]
Riley Jensen: Oh, right, I knew that.
[Riley’s mom comes in again.]
Riley’s Mom: You’re bombing.
Riley Jensen: This guy is going off script, mom?
Riley’s Mom: Baby, you look like a normal kid, I want you to know that.
[Cut to Michael Che, Riley Jensen and her mom.]
Michael Che: Alright, I was given some flash cards to quiz you. But I think we should maybe just wrap up this.
Riley’s Mom: No, no. We’re doing the flash cards.
Riley Jensen: Yeah, bring it on. I can do it.
Riley’s Mom: Come on, baby, make mama love you. Come on.
Michael Che: Oh, no! Okay. Riley, what planet is this?
[Michael Che has a picture of earth]
Riley Jensen: Easy, Saturn.
Michael Che: It’s actually earth.
Riley’s Mom: Damn it, get it together.
Riley Jensen: Hit me again, Che!
Michael Che: Okay. Well, how about this one?
[Michael Che has a picture of Saturn]
Riley Jensen: Moon?
Riley’s Mom: No, baby, come on, that’s it. You know what? You’re going to live with your dad.
Riley Jensen: No, he smokes!
Michael Che: Riley Jensen, everybody. I’m so sorry.
Riley Jensen: I’m not smart, I’m just polite.
Rosie the Riveter
Mikey Day
Beck Bennett
Rosie the Riveter… Chloe Fineman
Donna… Heidi Gardner
Dot… Kate McKinnon
Norma… Kristen Stewart
Barb… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with a caption “America at War!”]
[Cut to old black and white video clips of armies]
Narrator: While the men fight in Germany, [Cut to video clip of women working in factories] America’s women head to the factory to do their part.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking out of the door]
Mikey: Well, sir, I am honored you chose our factory to find the face of your new campaign.
Beck: Then we can do it poster reads a girl who embodies the ‘can-do’ spirit of America’s women.
Mikey: Well, these girls have that in spades. This is Rosie the Riveter.
[Cut to Rosie the Riveter]
Rosie the Riveter: Pleased to meet you, sir.
[Cut to everybody]
Beck: Hmm. Rosie the Riveter. That’s got a nice ring to it.
Mikey: And here is Donna, a shell Shiner.
Donna: I shine them nice so that Germans see them coming.
Beck: Hmm, I like that spirit.
Mikey: And finally, we have our slug thumpers who do some of the heavier work.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Dot: There we go.
Norma: Whoa, whoa.
Barb: Open this son of a bitch. Keep fighting me, bitch, keep fighting me. That one was for you, Sammy.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking to the heavy workers]
Mikey: Ladies, may I have your attention.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: Cram it, you coward.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Mikey: Every day with this, ladies.
Dot: Why ain’t you over there killing Nazis, coward?
Norma: Any man is dungarees should be over there.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Mikey: I told you I had asthma and was deemed unfit.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: I got three sons over there fighting the krauts and one of them not more than 12 years old.
Norma: Yeah, you should be hanged.
Dot: Who is this fella?
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: I’m from the army’s public relations board. We’re producing a poster to encourage more women to come work in the factories.
Mikey: He’s looking for a model.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: Ooh, well, then look no further, there’s three of us right here, sir. I’m Barb, Norma and Dot.
Norma: Is this poster like a nudie thing or what? Because that’s perfectly fine with us.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: No, no. it will be very classy.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: Hey, if it helps boys overseas, I’ll take the twins out.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: You would not be nude, ladies.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Dot: Look, if getting a look at our plumbing means our boys will put a few more krauts in the ground, I’ll drop trou. No problem.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: It will just be a normal pose with the slogan, “We can do it.” Any ideas?
[Cut to Rosie the Riveter and Donna]
Rosie the Riveter: Maybe something like this?
Donna: Or this?
[Cut to everybody]
Beck: Say, those weren’t half bad.
Dot: Wait, wait! [Cut to three heavy workers] How about this? You’re gonna love it. Okay, wait! Imagine I’m Hitler, right?
Barb: I’m back here. And I got my cans out, smacking him and his stupid mustache pops right off.
Norma: And I’m the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got my jugs out.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: And that would go with the slogan, “We can do it?”
Barb: I mean, unless you got something better.
Beck: Remember, this poster is meant to encourage women to join the war effort.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: Any woman who ain’t already doing her part is a coward and a traitor.
Dot: Just like him.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Mikey: Oh, stop it. My asthma is very serious.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: If they would just let us fight, the damage we could do.
Norma: I wish I was over there. I would find Hitler, I would strip him naked, march him across Poland with lucky strays up between his cheeks.
Dot: Yeah, yeah. I would take that Hitler and shove his head right up my ass until he was dead.
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: What?
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Barb: You know what I would do? I would shoot that Hitler eight times in the leg and then I would say, “You want one more?” And he would say, “Nein.” And I would say, coming right up. And bam! One more!
Norma: We got the job or what? Come on!
[Cut to Mikey and Beck]
Beck: I’m on the fence. Just kidding. I’m not. I’m scared of you. I’m going with Rosie.
Mikey: I’m sorry, ladies, but keep up the good work.
[Cut to three heavy workers]
Dot: Would you mind holding this for a second? [Dot passes Mikey a hot metal ball]
Mikey: Sure. Ow!
Barb: Got you right, you coward.
Norma: You should be over there.
Dot: Do your part.
Mikey: Come on!
Barb: Coward!
Hungry Jury
Joe… Kristen Sterwart
Cecily Strong
Aidy Bryant
Kate McKinnon
Kenan Thompson
Kyle Mooney
Bowen Yang
Heidi Gardner
Ego Nwodim
Mikey Day
Alex Moffat
[Starts with jury deciding the case]
Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.
Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?
Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.
Cecily: I know.
Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?
Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.
Kyle: And here we go with the race card.
Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?
[The Bailiff walks in]
Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.
Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!
[Cut to Bailiff]
Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?
[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.
Heidi: Yeah, mine too.
Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.
[Cut to Cecily]
Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.
[Cut to Kenan and Ego]
Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.
Ego: He’s right.
[Cut to Mikey and Joe]
Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.
Joe: Oh, okay, but—
[Stomach growling]
[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Whoa. What was that?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.
[Cut to Kenan and Ego]
Kenan: Damn. That was loud.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.
[Cut to Ego and Kenan]
Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.
[Cut to Kate]
Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: No, I want a meal.
[Cut to Heidi and Ego]
Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?
[Cut to everybody]
Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.
Alex: She changed her story, like three times.
[Cut to Joe]
[Stomach growling]
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: That one wasn’t me.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.
Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?
[Cut to Cecily and Kate]
Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.
Kate: Do you need a tums?
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.
Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?
Aidy: Obviously not.
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?
[Cut to Cecily and Kate]
Kate: So, just take a tums.
Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.
Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?
[Cut to Cecily and Kate]
Kate: I was offering advice.
[Stomach growling]
Cecily: Sorry.
[Stomach growling]
[Cut to Joe]
Joe: I’m sorry.
[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]
[Stomach growling]
Aidy: Pardon me.
[Cut to everybody]
[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]
Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?
Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor
[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]
Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?
Kate: Hear what?
[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]
Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.
Ego: Then, I change my vote too.
Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.
Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.
I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.
Kenan: Looking for a problem.
Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.
[Cut to everybody]
Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.
Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?
Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.
[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]
Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.
[Cut to everybody]
Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?
[Cut to everybody]
Ego: He said Ginuwine.
[The Bailiff walks in]
Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.
[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]
Joe: Oh, not you too.
[Cut to everybody]
Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.
Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony