Tag: Heidi Gardner

Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium]

[Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “It’s my honor, I do this job for two reasons; one, I love my country, and two, belly rubs.”

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: I just wanted to ask, who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Are you my good little boy?

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “Seriously, with all due respect, I’m a trained military assassin, not some basic labradoodle.” That’s on you.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: You’re right, I apologize.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Dana Gram: “Apology accepted.” You, sir.

[Cut to Mikey in the audience]

Mikey: Yes, you were involved in a terrorist raid. Was that scary for you?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “A little, sure, but it could have been worse. The terrorists had guns and explosives but at least they don’t have vacuum cleaners.” Yes, you ma’am?

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: How does it feel to be getting all the credit for killing Baghdadi? Right.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “Honestly, it was team effort from day one. It’s been, “I sniff your ass, you sniff mine.”

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: And how has your life changed now that you’re a hero?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: What can I say? Honestly, I’m drowning in the bitches.” You ma’am.

[Cut to Ego in the audience]

Ego: What do you feel about the so-called whistle-blower in the white house?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “I think we need to find out who the whistle-blower is because that sound is driving him crazy.” Next question, please. Wait, actually I’m going to have a sip of water, [The dog drinks water using a glass] I think you, ma’am.

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: I was just on dog twitter and reading some stories about you. Any of them true?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: He says, “Okay, I should come clean about something. Ten years ago at a Halloween party, I dressed up as a cat. I did not mean to appropriate feline culture or put on cat face. I also apologize for last Halloween when I dressed as a chocolate lab.”

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Okay, but what about the video of you that’s just come out?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “Oh, right, there’s a video of me barking at a black mailman, but I swear it wasn’t a bout race. Because I don’t see color. Literally I’m color-blind. Oh, and every day for the past years, I’ve humped someone’s leg without consent. For that I apologize.”

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: If I could throw in a silly question, who do you think won Halloween?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “To me, Heidi Klum always wins Halloween but this year I have to go with Kylie Jenner, she became Marilyn. And speaking of costumes, what is the janky fake medal that the president put on my neck, it has a picture of a paw on it. What the hell is that? You don’t give humans a medal with a foot on it.” “Anyway, that’s my time, god bless America. Scooter, if you’re watching, daddy loves you, now go to bed. And the same goes for Pickle, Rocket, Billy, Shamrock.”

[Kyllyanne Conway walks in]

Kyllyanne Conway: Thank you so much, Conan. We also have a human that was involved in the raid.

[Chris walks in and stand beside the doe]

Does anyone have any questions for him?

[Cut to the reporters who are silent and have no questions.]

[Cut to the stage]

Chris: Okay, thank you for your time.

Kyllyanne Conway: Yes, and thank you, all of you. Now this dog has to go meet president Trump and then he has to testify against presidents Trump. He was on the Ukraine call too. Mmm-kay, good night.

Elizabeth Warren Town Hall Cold Open

Hostess… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a hostess speaking on the stage]

Hostess: Hello, Iowa. Thanks for coming out today. Now let’s give a big, warm, Iowa welcome to the lady of the hour and the next president of the United States, maybe, senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cheers and applause]

[Elizabeth Warren walk in the stage and hugs the hostess.]

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! Woo! Yeah. Yeah. Hello. It is good to be here. Look at me, I am in my natural habitat. A public school on the weekend. And I just had the nature valley bar in the hallway so I’m jacked up and ready to pop off. First, I would like to pout one out to Beto O’Rourke for dropping out of the race. Thank you so much for running a great campaign and sticking around long enough to call me punitive. That was so bad ass. Let me now how death tastes, all right? And congratulations to Donald Trump for paying less taxes by moving to Florida, or as he calls it, bringing his talents to south beach. You know where I pay taxes? Every single state, out of principle. So Donald, don’t stand too close to an orange tree or someone might try to pick your head. I’m feeling stanky. Alright, we’re fighting. Who’s got a question? Who’s got a question?

[Cut to Cecily in the audeince]

Cecily: Hi, I work for Kamala Harris’ campaign. But I’m still undecided. I’d like to know, why did it take so long for you to release your plan to pay for medicare for all?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Thank you for bringing up health care, that is my desposito. You know, in the last few years. The number one reason families went bankrupt was because of health care costs, even the people who had insurance. It’s a tricky little corn maze. But when Bernie was talking medicare for all, everybody was like, “Oh, cool.” And then they turned to me and they were like, “Fix it, mom.” And I’ll do it, ‘cause that’s what moms do. With dad, you eat birthday cake for breakfast and then you go to six flags and then I hold your hand while you throw up in my purse. Daddy takes you to see “Boogie Nights” when you’re ten. I provide the long, tender follow up explanations about sex and whether Mark Wahlberg’s penis is a realistic length. It ain’t fun. But I will do it. And, next question. Thank you.

[Cut to Alex in the audience]

Alex: Hi, I’m an aspiring billionaire and current stay at home stepdad. You’re pulling ahead of Biden. How does your plan compare to his?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you. Thank you for your question. My plan compares favorably in that it exists. Nobody—Nobody asks Biden how to pay for stuff ‘cause his plans are so vague. Nobody asks how we’re going to pay for remember Obama. Biden—Biden doesn’t even know how to pay for stuff. He just puts down a $50 bill on the Amtrak dining car every few months. Okay, so here’s my plan. Take a look at this. Okay. So, first off, we’re going to cut military spending. So, immediately dead in the water. Two, Jeff Bezos will go from paying no tax to a tax. Mr. Bezos, the government is a little like Amazon Prime. To reap the benefits, you’ve got to pay an annual fee and that’s called taxes. And unlike you, we can’t just take it out on your debit care without warning. And third, okay? Banks, I’m going to tax the banks. Duh. What did you think I was going to do? Hold up a gas station? They’re going to pay for it and not one penny from the middle class. All we got to do is convince JP Morgan to operate like a nonprofit. Okay, next question. Next question.

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Hi, sorry, I have a follow-up ’cause I’m annoying. You said your plan would cost $20.5 trillion but other economists have said it could cost $34 trillion.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Okay, let me stop you right there. Now we’re talking trillions. So, when the numbers are this big, they’re just pretend. They ain’t no Scrooge McDuck Vault somewhere. You ready to get red pealed? Money doesn’t exist. It’s just a promise from a computer. You might as well say it was cost 13-non-jillion-over-12-detan. Alright, next!

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Sorry, senator, I’m going to see the math on that.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah? Okay. You want to see the math? I’ll show you. Look at this here. [Elizabeth Warren clips her board. There are statistical calculations on the board.] Do you understand this? I do. I can explain it to you but you would die. Okay, next question. Yeah, you.

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: Hi, I’m terrified of the doctor. And my husband is one. But that’s a separate problem. My question is, how are we going to get swing voters on board with the radical idea like universal health care?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Ooh, way to subtly ask if I’m electable. Careful, that’s my kink. Okay, see, look, you know why lobbyists are so against universal health care? They’re afraid you’re going to like it. ‘Cause it’s awesome. In “Footloose” they banned dancing. They didn’t ban broccoli. The bottom line is people are afraid of change. They only like their current insurance because they already know what it is, not ’cause it’s good. Something seems scary until you try ‘em out and find that they’re great. Like sushi, or butt stuff. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Hi, senator. My current insurance isn’t perfect. But with your plan, I’d have to give it up, and that makes me nervous.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You know what, I hear this from a lot of people. Let me help you understand. Your insurance is like a bad boyfriend. Girl, listen to me.

[Music starts playing]

You need to leave him. He’s draining you. You deserve better. Dump his ass.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: [Crying] I know. You’re right. I’m settling. But I’m just scared to leave because what if it’s the best I can get?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Girlfriend, how much is your deductible?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: $8,000. I don’t even have dental. [Crying] My teeth hurt so bad.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Listen to me, you beautiful bitch! Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to call him. You’re going to end it. And I’m going to come right over with an apple strudel and we’re going to post up on the couch and watch my favorite show which is somehow “Ballers.” And then one day, blue cross blue shield’s going to text you from the club saying, “Baby I miss you.” And you’re going to say, “New phone, who dis?” Okay, girlfriend, you’re going to be just fine. Do you believe that?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: So, do I have your vote?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: I don’t know. Pete Buttigieg seems nice.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, go to hell. And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Duolingo for Talking to Children

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Stewart

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video of a in house get together. Aidy is introducing her son to her friends]

Aidy: These are mommy’s co-workers. [Cut to Kenan, Kristen and Alex] Can you say hi?

Kenan: What’s up, buddy, you’re looking fresh.

[Cut to the boy laughing]

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, you look nice.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: All right. Give me high five, buddy. [Alex and the boy gives high-five to each other] Ow, too strong.

Kenan: I bet you played football, right? [The boy nods his head]

Kristen: Yeah, and you go to school. That sucks.

[Cut to Aidy confused]

[Cut to Kristen]

Do you wear your clothes to school?

[The boy is scared of Kristen]

[Aidy takes her son away]

[Cut to Kristen]

Female voice: You have no idea how to talk to children?

[Kristen shakes her head ‘No’]

Does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t?

[Kristen nods her head ‘Yes’]

It’s never too late to learn.

[Cut to iPad with an app “Duolingo”]

With the new duolingo for talking to children. The first app for grown people who need to learn how to talk to kids because their friends are starting to have them. Practice just five minutes a day and you’ll be a brat whisperer in no time.

[Cut to Kristen practicing in a cafe]

Kristen: Very cool, bud. Very cool, bud. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. I like your backpack.

Female voice: The one thing you know about talking to kids is you’re not allowed to call girls pretty but then it’s like, “What do you say?”

[Cut to a woman brings her daughter to Kristen in her office]

Kristen: You look not pretty. I mean, you’re smart. I mean, you’re an engineer one day.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you okay?

Kristen: I got this. [Cut to Kristen. She opens the app.] Just one second, sorry. Cool backpack!

[Cut to the girl smiling]

Female voice: Get a better sense of kids. Get a better sense of kids’ ages.

Voice from app: Identify the 12-year-old. Correct!

Female voice: Practice traditional greeting.

Voice from app: I got your nose!

Female voice: Build your stamina for long, meandering, pointless stories.

[Cut to Kristen and a girl speaking]

The girl: I really like the pizza they have too.

[Kristen looks at the app]

Kristen: Cool!

Female voice: In as little as six weeks you’ll be ready for all kinds of kinder conversations like friends new baby, the bus, dance recitals, child falls on sidewalk in front of you, public restaurants, airport gates, hot tub at vacation resorts, and child wearing big pink dress. Let’s face it. Kids are bad conversationalists. But you don’t have to be.

[Cut back to Aidy’s house with colleagues]

Kristen: So, I bet you like chicken fingers.

[Aidy’s son nods his head ‘Yes’]

[Cut to Kyle walking to the boy]

Kyle: Hey, high five.

[Kyle puts his palm near the boy’s face]

Too slow.

[Kyle is upset he can’t impress the boy]

[Cut to Kristen showing Kyle her app]

Female voice: Duo lingo for talking to kids, also available in–

Cut for Time Open Mic

Dia… Bowen Yang

Jessica Coke-Brothers… Heidi Gardner

Chastity… Kate McKinnon

Prudence… Kristen Stewart

Rachel Thompson… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnny Butter… Kyle Mooney

Missil… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a bar “Moon Jumps the Cow”]

[Cut to Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers on stage]

Dia: Hello, Silver Lake. it’s open mic Night here at Moon Jumps the Cow, the Los Angeles performance space and laptop garden. I’m Dia, and this is Jessica Coke-Brothers.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: My mom is the Coke, and my dad is a Wayans Brother. Get ready to see some performances from the stars of tomorrow and the Lyft drivers of today.

Dia: Mm-hmm. I’d like to exercise my brave and start with a song I wrote about something I really fear. Hit it, Jessica.

[Music playing]

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ It’s just around the bend ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be 30 ♪

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ Why does it have to end? ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be dead ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Powerful. Powerful.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: You’re saying that about yourself?

Dia: Yes. Next up is sister duo Chastity and Prudence.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Chastity: Alright. Yeah, we just moved here from Persecution, Pennsylvania.

Prudence: We grew up on a farm, where our “dad” convinced us it was the 1800s.

Chastity: But I guess, here, you call that a cult. Now Ryan Murphy owns our life story.

Prudence: This song is about our past.

[ Rock music playing ]

Both: ♪ Something bad happened, and now we’re famous ♪

♪ Something bad happened, so we moved to L.A. ♪

♪ Told us airplanes were angels ♪

♪ The fence is the boundary ♪

♪ Don’t touch the fence ♪

♪ Or you’ll turn gay ♪

♪ Tune in to “The Fence” every Sunday ♪

On FX, FFX, and FXNOW.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.][Chastity and Prudence walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Alright! Great! Yeah, so, that happened. Anything you would like to plug?

Prudence: Oh, yeah. Actually, we manage a bunch of sketchy Airbnb properties here if you’re ever looking to feel unsafe in the loneliest city in the world.

Dia: Wow. [Chastity and Prudence walk out] Okay, I will check that out. Looks like Rachel Thompson is next.

[Rachael Thompson walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Rachael Thompson: I go by Reyna-De-La-Casa now. More castable. I had a bad year. I mean, really bad. My grandma’s friend died. This is a song I wrote about that, called “My 9/11.”

♪ Oh, Betty ♪

♪ With candy in your purse ♪

♪ You’re dead ♪

♪ But I’m sad ♪

♪ Tell me which is worse ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪Betty, I made your death about me.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Epic, Reyna. Have you booked any gigs lately?

Rachael Thompson: Actually, I am making my TV debut next week.

Dia: Amazing.

Rachael Thompson: Me and my dumb mom are going to be on “Dr. Phil.”

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Wow! Do you have any lines?

Rachael Thompson: No, but I kick her really hard.

Dia: Okay, cool. [Rachael Thompson leaves the stage] His bio says he’s got John Mayer’s face and Carrot Top’s “gutters.” It’s Johnny Butter.

[Johnny Butter walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Johnny Butter: Oh, man, I can’t believe this song was just my dumb little idea two years ago. Oh, what the hell.

[Johnny Butters starts playing guitar]

♪ These days, everything is so messed up ♪

♪ So let’s get together ♪

♪ And do it like in porn ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Okay.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: I’m going to stop you ’cause you’re hot. So you don’t have to try.

Dia: Johnny, who are your influences?

Johnny Butter: Well, black-and-white photography, for sure, and staying in and watching Pixar stuff. I guess I’m weird like that.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Yeah. That’s fire. [Johnny Butter walks out]

Dia: Okay, we are so lucky to have this next guy. He’s a Vegas musician who would like to get better at parkour. Please welcome Missile to the stage.

[Missile comes on the stage. He is jumping.]

[Dance music playing]

Missil: ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Who am I, who am I? ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Where am I, where am I? ♪

♪ Life is dope ♪

Dia: Okay. Alright, we’ve heard enough, and you’ve got it.

Missil: I know.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Tell us what you’re working on.

Missil: Well, I’m writing a book based on the “Harry Potter” movies.

Dia: Mm. So happy for you, Missile. You worked so hard. Okay. And — Oh, the sisters are back for an encore performance.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Because they threatened us.

Prudence: L.A. is so overwhelming.

Chastity: A lot has changed for us. We used to have hair down to our holes. But then we cut it, and now we’re models with a story.

Prudence: This song is about our new life in Los Angeles.

[Music starts playing

Both: ♪ Tacos, Bird scooters ♪

♪ Words at the fence ♪

♪ Old milk and leggings ♪

♪ I miss the fence ♪

♪ Thin moms and jacked dads ♪

♪ I’m overwhelmed, and the devil will trick me ♪

♪ Take me back to the fence ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Thank you. Okay. Jessica, your turn.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Oh, actually, I’m on vocal rest. I have a phone call tomorrow.

Dia: Okay.  Well, then, I’ll sing us out. This is a new song I wrote about being abandoned at the ArcLight Movie Theater.

[Jessica Coke-Brothers leaves the stage]

[Music starts playing]

♪ Why can’t you get here? ♪

♪ You’re already supposed to be here ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You stood my fat ass for the last time ♪

Tasty Toaster Tarts

Melissa Villaseñor

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Jason… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with four friends walking in the house]

Melissa: I’m starving.

Heidi: Yeah, I need a snack, pronto.

Mikey: Yeah, got anything good to eat Jason?

Jason: I don’t know, let’s find out.

[Cut to Jason opens the cupboars]

Let’s see. We’ve got chips, popcorn, cookies, fruit snacks.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Awesome!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Chocolate snaps, crispy cakes, nut Fudgies.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Snack-a-licious!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Pretzel Rods, Cheddar Chunkies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Any of those sound awesome.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Gummy Tummies, Chocko Rings.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s a lot of snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Corn Nuggets, cheese Balls.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Maybe too many snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: We’ve got Dingle Doodles, Candy Beans.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Your parents buy you all that?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. Fig twisties, Banana ramas.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I thought you parents were like super strict?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: They used to be. Not anymore.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Don’t they make you go to church like twice a day?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Not anymore. We’ve got lemon sours, lime sours, cereal bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Where are your parents?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: On vacation. Roasty toasties.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Without you?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. S’mores snacks, Wingo Dingoes? [Cut to Mikey looking around suspiciously] Prune Poppers, Mini Miffins, Pizza pieces, Yummy Crunchers, Razzie Tassies, Tatsy Terbies. [Cut to family photo of Jason. He has scratched out his parents’ faces.] Corn Crispies, Cocoa anybodies, Munch Mix. [Cut to Mikey sees the floor with the blood mark and a brush that cleaned it] Corn Crispies. Cocoa Anobodies. Rough and Puffies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Smells kind of weird in here, right?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No. Crunchy Cake, Nom Noms.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: It’s coming from the fridge.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No, it’s not! [Cut to Heidi looks at the fridge. Jason has taped around the fridge in a way that it can’t be opened.] Wacky tacky tangoes.

Heidi: Why is there duct tape around your fridge door, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Mango Munchers. Cherry Berry bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What’s in the fridge, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Nobody is.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What do you mean, “Nobody?’

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: What did you do to your parents?

[Cut to Jason turns around towards his friends]

Jason: Tasty Toaster Tarts.

[Cut to everybody getting excited]

Everybody: Awesome! [Everybody start celebrating]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts are the treats kids crave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Jason’s house is the best.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Got anything to drink?

[Heidi walks to the fridge to get a drink]

Jason: No!

[Cut to a clip of Tasty Toaster Tarts outro video]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts. Keeps kids happy.

Spooky Song

Heidi Gardner

Tyler… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chance the Rapper

Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of full moon under the clouds]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to a couple walking in the graveyard]

Heidi: Baby, this is too creepy. Let’s just go back to the party.

Tyler: Come on, it’s Halloween. We’ve got to hook up in a grave yard.

Heidi: Do we though?

[A big lightning strikes and dead people walk out of their graves dancing]

Tyler? What’s happening?

Tyler: I don’t know.

[Music starts playing]

The deads: On Halloween, your breath is taken

For tonight, the dead awaken

Listen well our living friends

and hear how we all met our ends

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, my god, Tyler, they’re going to sing about how they died.

Tyler: I know, I’m scared!

[Cut to a skeleton playing a piano]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was a captain at my ship’s wheel

A heart of gold and nerves of Steel

I fell overboard one night so dark

and I swam just fine, but so did the shark

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy: I was a debutante, the bell of the ball

Men would chase me for spring to fall

I never met a flame that I couldn’t handle

Until my gown met a candle

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: We can skip me. Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Is that all he’s going to do?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Mikey: Yeah, I was wondering the same. That was it?

Chance: Yes, skip me.

Mikey: Okay, I’ll go, then. Nobody has ever skipped before. I’m sorry,

[Cut to Mikey Day]

I was a miner, digging for gold

Then one day, I hit the mother lode

I grabbed a cigar, gave it a light

turned out my stogie was dynamite

[Chance walks in]

Chance: Wow. Everyone did great. I think we’re done here, right?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan:  No. Uh-huh. It’s a diddy of the damned. All four of us have a tale to tell about deaths before we can go back to our graves. That’s how it works. So come on.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Well, here’s my thing, my death was a real “You had to be there” kind of situation. It needs a lot of context, so I don’t want to waste everybody’s time.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: Sing now!

[Cut to Mikey Day and Chance]

Chance: Oh, my god. Fine. I’ll go. Ready?

One dark night with the moon so red

what killed me happened and now I’m dead

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: Wait, but like, how did you die?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: How? A ghost never tells.

[Cut to Tyler and Heidi]

Heidi: They do, though. That’s what this whole song is about.

Tyler: Is he allowed to be vague like that?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: He is not!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: All right. It’s going to sound way worse that it actually is. You guys know what a 9-volt battery is, right? It’s important for the song.

At 12 years old, I sat on a 9-volt

It gave me heinie a quick little jolt

I liked how it felt, so I did it a lot

So I built up a tolerance to a lower watt

Then realized there’s no higher volt

than the one comes from a lightning bolt

So one stormy night I went on a roof

and put a metal pole in my ass

Yo, why y’all— I can’t do this right now. Y’all are looking at me like I’m some sort of freak or something.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: No one is judging you.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Yes, you are. Look at that owl.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Forget about the owl and just finish the song.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Okay, god. All right, everybody remember where we left off?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yes. You’re on the roof with a pole in your ass. I’ve done the same thing myself.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Really?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: No, man! It’s weird at hell! Just go!

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever.

Like Benjamin Franklin with his key and kite

That lightning hit my pole that night

I squealed with delight but I quietly stopped

when my insides fried and my colon popped

and my ass burnt off and my thing caught on fire

and my face caught on fire and I wet in my pants

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Nothing. I was a kid, man. Kids do weird stuff.

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: You died in your 20s.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Whatever! Let’s just finish the song.

[All the deads come together to sing]

The deads: Listen to the dead and the voices of the past

And live every day like it’s your last

Happy Halloween.

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant]

[Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant]

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves]

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!

Dance Rehearsal

Tony… Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

Brad… Chance the Rapper

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video clip of Dance Studio In Los Angeles building]

[Cut to the dance hall]

Tony Solis: All right, good evening, dancers! Thank you very much for giving up your Halloween to rehearse. [Cut to Tony Solis] As I understand it, you guys were picked up by earth, wind, and fire themselves for their big Halloween boogie spectacular. You are the best, or at least earth ,wind and fire think so. Do you all know the ography?

[Cut to the dancers]

Dancers: Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Well, then show it! Boogie-wonderland. Make it sizzle and stank. Go!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everybody start dancingand Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, give it, give!

Where’s the tank? Where’s the tank?

And the wonder? Where is the wonder?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

[The full moon shows through the window]

No! The moon! I must close the drapes! The moon! The drapes! The moon and the drapes! I must close them. The drapes! Ahh! Please, release the drapes!

[Cut to the dancers]

Chloe Fineman: That was weird.

Heidi Gardner: Weird good or weird bad?

Chris Redd: I think bad.

Brad: Yeah. It kind of backs up the secret I heard.

Bown Yang: Can you tell us, Brad?

Brad: Here’s what I can say. A, it’s dark. And B, it’s about Tony Solis.

[Cut to Tony Solis walks in the door again. He has grown a lot of facial hair.]

Tony Solis: Sorry, sorry, dancers. I had to take an important phone call from Fred Fake McMadeitup.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: Tony, are you okay?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: I’m better than okay. I’m Tony Solis. Let’s take it from the top and fill the Brim with flavor and funk. Go!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, pop the funk!

Pop the funk, ride the wind.

Feel the ‘70s. Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

[The full moon shows through the window]

Oh, the moon! The Venetian blinds! I must draw them shut! Oh, the moon! The Venetian. I must fight back the beast! Oh, no! Can’t let the dancers know what creature lives within me. Fight the curse Tony.

[Tony Solis leaves runs out]

[Cut to the dancers]

Brad: Hey, guys, I’m curious, did any of you get a fax last night?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, you’re rich.

Chris Redd: Yeah! Brag about your fax machine more!

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Well, I did. And it said, “Attention, dancers. Is there a full moon?” Followed by, “Forget what I just faxed. I’ll be fine.”

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair.]

Tony Solis: I am sorry. I had another business call from Donny Dane McDidn’thappen.

Chris Redd: Guys, I’m beginning to think these calls aren’t real. Tony, what’s up?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Whatever do you mean? I’m totally fine—[The full moon shows through the window] Oh, the moon! The roman shades! Where is the cord? Where is the little pulley cord? Dammit, why do all of these windows have to be different dressings. Who styled the dance studio? Oh, I did! Oh, damn me. This is my studio! This is Tony Solis’ dance studio slash werewolf’s house!

[Tony Solis runs out]

Heidi Gardner: Guys, Tony Solis is a werewolf.

Brad: Wait a minute, did you hear that from me?

Chris Redd: No, the dude looks like a wolf!

Chloe Fineman: And his face is covered in fur.

Bown Yang: And he has some kind of beef with the moon.

Brad: As long as we all know that I didn’t blab.

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair, fangs and wolf arms]

Tony Solis: All right. Enough with the chitchat! [Cut to Tony Solis]

Y’all are here to dance! So, let’s do it!

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on.

[Tony Solis walks to Chloe Fineman]

Tony Solis: And who hired you?

[Tony Solis pushes Chloe Fineman away through the wall]

Chloe Fineman: Ah!

Heidi Gardner: I’m getting out of here!

Bown Yang: He just killed Trish!

Brad: Suit yourself. I’m staying. I’m not blowing this gig.

Chris Redd: That was your wife, man!

Weekend Update Bailey Gismert on Fall 2019 Movies

Bailey Kizmer… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Fall movies have brought both box office hits and Oscar buzz. Here to talk about the hottest films hitting theaters this season is teen movie critic and star of her very own youtube channel, Bailey at the movies, please welcome Bailey Kizmer.

[Bailey Kizmer slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Bailey Kizmer: What’s up?

Michael Che: Well, hi, Bailey. It’s very nice to see you.

Bailey Kizmer: Hmm. So official. Reporting for duty, Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay, Bailey. How was your summer? Let’s start there.

Bailey Kizmer: Oh, well. I got thrown into the pool by everyone of my guy friends. I mean, I guess it’s because I’m like, light? I don’t know.

Michael Che: All right, Bailey, so what movies have you seen recently?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. So, I saw “IT Chapter Two”. And I don’t know, like, ooh. Awkward! It was like, Pennywise was so keep hanging out with the same kids? You’re a dusty ass clown. Awkward!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: I getthat. Well, did you see anything else?

Bailey Kizmer: So, I saw – I saw “Judy”. [Cut to Bailey Kizmer] It’s like awkward. The singing was thirsty. It’s like—I’m in jazz choir too. But I didn’t make a whole jazz choir movie about it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: All right. Did you see “Joker”? Lots of people talking about “Joker”.

Bailey Kizmer: I mean, I looked at it. So, I guess I saw it and yeah, it was like psycho but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Michael Che: What? Bailey? Do you like the Joker?

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Okay. His name is Arthur, and I don’t like him. I just like think I could help him. And yeah, Arthur and I have a lot in common. We’re silly. We’re fit. We have good looks.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: Bailey you just admitted you like the Joker.

[Cut to Bailey Kizmer]

Bailey Kizmer: Michael, I know you know him, because you’re both trying to do comedy or whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

If you tell him that I like him, like, he could kill me.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey, I did not mean to make you mad.

Bailey Kizmer: Not—[Cut to Bailey Kizmer] I’m not mad. Okay? I just—Oh! It’s just like the beginning of the year, and like, all my hot older guy friends went off to college and like, I know, like, Leslie’s gone and she was like your wife, but that’s –

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer] that’s one person. I’m just like slammed. Okay? [Cut to Bailey Kizmer] With the debate and ping-pong and next week I have to tie like 1,000 ribbons.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bailey Kizmer]

Michael Che: Why do you have to tie ribbons?

Bailey Kizmer: To end hurricanes, Michael!

Michael Che: I think you’re gong to have a great year.

Bailey Kizmer: What are you, like my dad now? Meantime, like and subscribe below. And follow my other channel where I try nasty foods from other countries.

Michael Che: Bailey Kizmer, everybody.

Bailey Kizmer: The Joker director was right. The comedy was too woke.

SoulCycle

Ego Nwodim

Mark… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Flint… Bowen Yang

Deacon… David Harbour

Trix… Heidi Gardner

Kyle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of SoulCycle outlet]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this is SoulCycle. You’ll love it.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

I go every lunch break.

Mark: Oh, so that’s where you run off to?

Ego Nwodim: Oh, pass.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Hey, guys, we are so psyched you’re here for this very special class. It’s SoulCycle instructor additions. Today you’ll be riding with multiple cyclists who are in the final stages of joining the SoulCycle family. Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: They’re auditions instructors?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. That’s why the class was free.

Mark: Who did I give $80 to?

Flint: What’s up, what’s up, SoulCycle White Harlem? My name is Flint, like the water. Let’s get those leg muscles going while I tell you what I’m about. I live life with no regrets. Abraham Lincoln died. It didn’t have to happen. Poor guy. If I’d been there I would have stopped it, but I wasn’t. Will you be? Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Is he suggesting we’ll save Lincoln somehow?

Ego Nwodim: The instructors only say things to try and inspire you. You’re supposed to move your legs, Mark.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Deacon]

Deacon: Dope, dope, dope, SoulCycle. My name is Deacon. And just a warning, I have an addiction to pushing myself and cocaine. Because I don’t believe in giving up. Check it. I was this close to playing a dead guy in the J. Lo in the movie ‘Hustler’ but I didn’t get it because they didn’t call me in for an audition, but when J. go Lo, I go high! Let’s ride.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Wow. Using Michelle Obama like that. What do you think?

Ego Nwodim: Mark, you’re sweating but you’re not moving. Pedal!

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: Hey, SoulCyclers. My name is Trix. Here’s my story. In highs school, I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too pretty. They called me model girl, or, “Hey, model.” But I wasn’t a model. Yet. And how do you think that made me feel?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Good?

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: We’re here to lift each other up. So turn to your neighbor and complement one part of their body. Be specific.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Toned back.

Ego Nwodim: I am not doing that.

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: And look at me now. My boyfriend is one of the Josh’s from “Million Dollar Listing.” Let’s ride!

[Cut to Deacon, Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Deacon: I am going to put a candle in front of the person I think is doing the worse.

Mark: Me?

Deacon: You have sad eyes, ma’am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Damn, they call me Kyle but I’m a girl we’re going to do a little core. Okay, three, two, one and funk the bike, funk the bike, funk the bike.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: I don’t want to be rude, but I can tell you you’re bad at sex.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that’s nor rude.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I didn’t always push myself like this you guys. I got kicked out of scientology because I was too lazy. Never again. Let’s ride.

[Clint walks in]

Flint: May I have this dance? This moment is so much more than us and our beautiful bodies. This morning I googled racism, and guess what? It bummed me out. And then I googled gay racism and that was even worse. You know what I did? I flushed my computer down the toilet, because I don’t need that negativity in my life! Let’s ride!

[Deacon walks in]

Deacon: Mind if I shine? Look, this was been my dream ever since acting was who hard. I put my life on hold last week when I lost my leg because a lumberjack thought it was a tree trunk but after believing hard enough, my leg grew back! Gandhi once said, two roads to versions of wood, I’ll take both. Let’s ride.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: Hi. Congratulations. You’re all-stars and you’re officially SoulCycle instructors!

Deacon: Whew.

Cecily Strong: No, no, no. Except for you. Your backpack was full of cocaine.

Deacon: Wow. You went through my bag?

Cecily Strong: Well, I guess we’re bot fired.

[Cheers and applause]