Tag: Heidi Gardner

Grouch (Joker Parody)

Chris Redd

Oscar… David Harbour

Therapist… Ego Nwodim

News Reporter… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Elmo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video footage of New York city]

[Cut to Chris Redd and Oscar]

Chris Redd: Damn, that smells straight like ass.

[Oscar opens a trash can]

Oscar: I don’t know. I kind of like it.

Chris Redd: Yeah? You like trash so much why don’t you live in it?

Oscar: Why don’t you bite me?

Oscar: Damn, Oscar, why you such a grouch, man?

[Cut to narrative video]

Announcer: From the studio that brought you “Joker” and the twisted mind at Sesame Workshop, comes the next gritty antihero origin story.

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: Why do you think you’re always in such a bad mood?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: That ain’t me. Things are getting worse out there.

[Cut to TV news]

News Reporter: Once friendly neighborhood of “Sesame Street” has now become a haven of crime and corruption. I’m guy smiley, ABCDEFG news.

[Cut to Oscar walking on the street]

Oscar: Hookers and pimps on every corner.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Lady]

Kenan Thompson: Now, look, prairie dog, you want a snuffy’s ho’s. Okay? And snuffy’s ho’s earn.

Lady: I’m sorry, daddy.

Kenan Thompson: Bitch, you better shut your damn mouth for good.

[Cut to Oscar watching]

Oscar: People are getting killed over nothing.

[Cut to an alley where where people getting robbed]

Robber: Give me the ducky.

Alex Moffat: Ernie! Give it to him!

Ernie: Hell no, bitch!

[The robber stabs Ernie]

Alex Moffat: No! Ah!

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: Grouchy.

[Cut to video clips of Oscar acting like Joker]

When everyone calls you trash, and everyone treats you like trash, why don’t you just become trash?

Announcer: Variety asks, Did we need a dark take on “Oscar the Grouch?” “No,” says the New York Times. The beloved residents are obsessing on streets like you’ve never seen before.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner dressed as a clown]

Heidi Gardner: Do you want to see this big bird dance?

[Cut to Beck Bennett dressed as a vampire]

Beck Bennett: Three! Three pearls for me.

[Cut to a police arresting Melissa Villaseñor]

Elmo: I’m innocent. I’m not going to sell no crack. You only arrest Elmo because Elmo Mexican!

Oscar: Sunny Day.

Announcer: From director, Todd Phillips.

Oscar: Sweeping the clouds away.

Announcer: And the writer of “P is for Potty.”

Oscar: Oh my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get

Oscar: Would you do me one favor? Could you call me the grouch?

Announcer: Brought to you by the letter R.

Oscar: Scram!

Roadside Museum – SNL

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Joanne Batting … Cecily STrong

Reese … Woody Harrelson

Linette … Aidy Bryant

P Ryan … Mikey Day

Huntington Booth … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Sun’s Out Nevada intro]

Announcer: You’re tuned in to Sun’s Out Nevada. Thank you, guys.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Kyle Mooney in their set]

Heidi Gardner: Welcome back. Weather and traffic are just ahead. Spoiler alert – there’s neither.

Kyle Mooney: And later, author Dav Pilkey joins us to chat about his new children’s book, “Captain Underpants: Rise of Hershey Squirt”. Excited to pick his brain.

Heidi Gardner: But first, time for “Jo on the Go” with our roving reporter Joanne Batting who live on interstate 15 with her yummiest scoop yet.

[Cut to Joanne Batting]

Joanne Batting: Thanks, guys. Well, in between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, a new attraction will offer road trippers a cheesy photo op. The world’s biggest Cheeto Museum has it’s grand opening today. And I am here now with the proud owners, the hotter family.

[Hotter family joins Joanne Batting]

Reese, Linette, and their son P Ryan. Congrats on your big day. Now Reese, you first had the idea for all this five years ago. How does it feel to look at that gigantic Cheeto today? Besides hungry.

[Reese laughing]

Reese: Well, you’re quick. That’s why you’re on TV and I own the Cheeto. Anyway, it’s a dream come true. It took a lot of work. And our entire savings to buy the Cheeto and build the museum. But today I think it’s safe to say it was worth it. Right, sweetheart?

Linette: Sure.

Joanne Batting: Lynette, are you as excited as your husband?

Linette: No.

Joanne Batting: Now, P. Ryan, I got to ask. How do you keep from eating this thing?

P Ryan: I actually get that question a lot. And I always say, you know, I wonder if they ask people who work at the Louvre if they want to eat the Mona Lisa. You know?

Joanne Batting: Well, no, because it’s a painting and not a giant Cheeto.

P Ryan: Right. Yeah. But it’s kind of the same thing.

Joanne Batting: It’s not. But later on, the Cheeto will be measured by this judge [Huntington Booth joins Joanne Batting] from the Guinness book of world records, Mr. Huntington Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Huntington Booth. And I must say this Cheeto is spectacular. I once saw a 40 foot hot dog that took my breath away. And I am getting a very similar feeling from Cheeto.

Joanne Batting: Exciting stuff. Okay, we’ll see you soon for the official measurement, Mr. Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Booth.

[Huntington Booth storms out]

Joanne Batting: Well, it’s almost 9 o’clock. Is it time to officially open the museum for the fist time?

Reese: It sure is. Oh, boy. Son, you want to turn on the fan?

P Ryan: Yes. All right. Fans are on, dad.

Reese: Ladies and germs, the world’s biggest Cheeto museum is officially open for business. God bless you, Cheeto. I love you. Whoo!

[The giant cheeto bursts out because it fell into the fan]

[The screen is smoky because of cheetos dust]

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Uh, a little hiccup over at the world’s biggest Cheeto museum.

Heidi Gardner: Everything okay there, Joe?

[Cut to Joanne and Hotter family]

Joanne Batting: Yeah, everyone’s okay. Except for the cheeto which fell into the fan. Well, we were supposed to take the Guinness world record measurement here. That still happening?

[Moving to Huntington Booth]

Huntington Booth: No.

Joanne Batting: Right! Well, not the best grand opening. How you doing Reese?

Reese: Bad.

Joanne Batting: Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of backup plan?

Reese: No, we were all in the Cheeto.

P Ryan: I just want to say that all new businesses go through growing pains and I actually think this Cheeto can be fixed.

Joanne Batting: Well, it can’t.

P Ryan: I still think people will come on down.

Joanne Batting: They will not. Now, Lynette, what’s next for you?

Linette: Divorce.

Joanne Batting: Makes sense. I would do the same. We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Sun’s Out Nevada outro]

Locker Room – SNL

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Trinity… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with audience cheering in the football ground]

Announcer: And that’s the half.

[Cut to locker room]

Coach: What’s with the chatter, huh? Put your damn phones away. We still have half the game to play.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Coach, it’s 48-3, man. It’s over.

[Cut to coach]

Coach: Hey. You all are Pembroke Corgi Dogs. Corgi Dogs don’t back down from a fight. They bark. Rah, rah, rah, rah! We can still do this. I’ve been through worse and I’ve come out on top.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: You have?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Hell yes. It was my senior year. October 1st, 1979. [Music playing] At the half we were down 77-3. We thought all hope was lost. And I’ll never forget what my coach said.

[Music stops]

[Trinity comes with her eyes closed]

Trinity: Uh-oh, girl coming through don’t be naked. Oh, hey baby.

[Heidi looks at the players]

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Are you doing the big talk?

Coach: Yeah, baby. I’m doing the big talk. Hey, Corgi Dogs, this is my new wife, Trinity. She’s just passing by.

Trinity: Hi, guys.

Everybody: Hi, miss Trinity.

Trinity: Sorry to interrupt. [Cut to Trinity and Coach] I was just looking for the little metal man with the snickers.

Coach: Yeah. The vending machine’s right down the hall.

Trinity: Okay. All right. I’m gonna bounce. And babe, real quick, is your thing okay?

Coach: What?

Trinity: Your thing. Like your thing.

Coach: Yeah. Trinity, my thing is okay.

Trinity: Okay, but you remember the sound it made?

Coach: Yes, I remember the sound.

Trinity: Is it still making that sound?

Coach: No, it’s fine now.

Trinity: Oh, okay. He back. Well, good luck, you guys. [Cut to everybody] And remember, keep it safe out there. Always helmet to helmet.

Coach: All right. Now, [Cut to Coach] like I was saying, we’ve got to focus on the fundamentals.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Sorry, coach, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s up with your thing?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey[

Kenan: Yeah, coach, what’s up with that thing?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Look, you all don’t need to worry about my thing. Okay? I’ll worry about my thing for all of us. [Music palaying] Because if I know one thing, in my heart of hearts, it’s that these—

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: how did I get back in here?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Miss Trinity, what sound did his thing make?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Oh, it sounded like Mickey Duck.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Mickey Duck? Who’s Mickey Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: You know, not space jam Duck. The Mickey Duck, the one with the fat ass.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: You mean Donald Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Yeah, yeah. It was like … (making sounds]

Coach: Trinity, come on.

Trinity: What? I’m the one who had to push the vein back in.

Players: What?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: Trinity, leave.

Trinity: Okay. Fine. Good luck, you guys. I used to cheer here. Class of ’18.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey confused]

Kenan: Hey, when did you get remarried?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: And how old is she? If you do the math—

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Don’t do the math! Guys—

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Guys, the vein was out?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Enough. I need you to focus. Now, [Music starts] let’s get our heads in the game, our eyes on the prize, and our feet –

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: Okay, hold up. Are y’all following me or am I back in the same room?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Miss Trinity, when you say the vein was out –

[Cut to everybody]

Trinity: I mean it was out. It was like [dancing] mm-mm, and then the top was like folded and then he said call my grandma, she’ll know what to do.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Why would your grandma know what to do, coach?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: She’s known my body the longest.

[Cut to Coach]

Kenan: And with that I quit.

[Kenan leaves]

Coach: Babe, look what you did. Leave. I can’t have you talking to me on the job.

Trinity: Oh, okay. Big man acting tough because his thing’s all in one piece again. Okay, well, don’t come crawling back to me when that thing screams (making sounds) which we know it’s going to happen, and it’s we know it’s going to fall off because we know that’s where it’s headed. Bye guys.

Coach: It’s not going to fall off! All right. Listen. I need you all to stop worrying about my thing and get your heads back in the game. [Music playing] Because if there’s one thing I know—[Quack] You’ve got to keep fighting no matter what.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Coach, I think your thing making that sound.

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: I know. You know what it’s saying? Win. [Quack} Win the game. [Quack, quack, quack]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah! Let’s go. Whoo! Oh, yeah. That’s clean off.

[Players all ready to go]

Coach: Oh, yeah! That’s clean off!

Ouija | Season 44 Episode 21

Dad… Paul Rudd

Christine… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.]

[Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]

Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.

Christine: Okay, bye, dad.

Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.

[Dad leaves the room]

Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.

[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]

Samantha:  Ooh, cool. Ouija board.

Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.

Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.

[Thunder sounds]

[Smoke begins to come out of nowhere]

[A demon comes out of the smoke]

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.

Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?

[The girls get shy]

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!

Samantha: Demon, thank you.

Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.

Girls: Pizza!

Aidy Bryant: Totally.

Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.

[Cut to everybody]

[Dad enters the room]

Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.

[Dad leaves]

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dads.

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

[Cut to the girls]

Samantha: What are you even talking about?

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–

Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.

[Bealthor leaves the room]

[Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]

Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?

[Cut to everybody]

[Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]

Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.

Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.

[Bealthor enters the room]

Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.

[Bealthor walks to the door]

Dad: Bealthor, wait.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

Bealthor: Really?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes!

Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?

Everybody: Me!

The Perfect Mother | Season 44 Episode 20

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Emma Thompson

[Starts with Heidi Gardner taking care of a baby]

Heidi Gardner: Babe? Babe. Can you just like give me like a minute?

[Mikey Day walks in]

Mikey Day: Julia. Dad. Let’s give mommy and granny a minute. [Heidi hands over the baby to Mikey] Thank you. Yeah, of course.

[Emma brings Heidi a cup of coffee and sits beside her]

Emma Thompson: There you go.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I don’t know how you did it.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Did what, honey?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Raised me without going insane. [Cut to Heidi and Emma] I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. But you. You were just like a perfect mother.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: No, I wasn’t.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, you were. You were always so calm and sweet with me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: That’s because every moment was a joy.

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Why don’t you fu**ing Sleep!

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I don’t even remember you ever yelling at me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: How could I yell at this face?

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Oh, my god, look what you did to the TV! Did you just put paint all over the TV?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I just need a break sometimes. Like I’m completely overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that?

[Cut to the past. A room full of kids are making noise. Emma is carrying a birthday cake. She is exhausted.]

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: If I did, I don’t remember.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a birthday cake.]

Emma Thompson: Happy birth–

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I can barely manage to take a shower every other day. But you were always so put together.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a baby with one hand and dragging her garbage with the other hand uncomfortably.]

[Emma looks at Cheryl]

Emma Thompson: Enjoying the show, Cheryl?

[Cut to Cheryl]

Cheryl: Hell, no.

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: You were perfect. I mean, even when I was a teenager and you were supposed to hate your mom, you were great. You  never judged me. You never pried.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Well, it was none of my business.

[Cut to the past. Emma is reading Heidi’s diary.]

Emma Thompson: “I’m a little slut”?

[Cut back to present[

Heidi Gardner: Compared to you, I feel like I’m not good at this.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: You are every bit the mother I was and then some. [Cut to Heidi and Emma]Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside, you come across as so relaxed.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Well, I try not to get worked up about the little stuff.

[Cut to past, Heidi, Mikey and the baby are in the car.]

Heidi Gardner: Why didn’t you pack the goddamn giraffe?

Mikey Day: You said, “Pack a toy!”

Heidi Gardner: I meant a giraffe!

Mikey Day: You said—

Heidi Gardner: Shh. Hey, baby. [Cut to the baby crying at the back seat]

[Cut back to the present]

Emma Thompson: It seems like you and Nick still find time to, you know.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I’ll just say that in the bedroom, [Cut to Heidi and Emma] we are still very much a married couple.

[Cut to past, Heidi and Mikey in the bedroom. Heidi is watching TV and Mikey is busy on his phone.]

[Heidi farts]

Heidi Gardner: Sorry.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: You are doing an amazing job. Just remember to Cherish every moment. [Cut to the baby puking over Heidi] Because each day with your child is special.

[Cut to Heidi taking care of the baby’s diaper]

Heidi Gardner: Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: She has all the way up her back.

Mikey Day: Oh, that’s up to her neck.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: And each day you’ll experience something new and wonderful.

[Cut to Heidi making a phone call]

Heidi Gardner: Dr. Klein, my daughter ate two crayons.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey Day: No, five. She ate five crayons.

Heidi Gardner: I’m sorry, five crayons. Do we need to bring her in?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: This is exactly what I needed to hear. See? You are a perfect mother.

[Cut to Heidi and Emma hugging]

Emma Thompson: So are you, honey. You have poop in your hair. Oh.

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.

Weekend Update: Bailey Gismert on Summer 2019 Movies | Season 44 Episode 20

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Avenger’s Endgame has made over $2.4 billion worldwide. A strong kickoff for summer blockbusters. Here to comment is teen movie critic and star of her very own youtube channel Bailey at the movies, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey joins Michael]

Hi, Bailey.

Bailey Gismert: Okay.

Michael Che: Bailey, are you going to look at me?

Bailey Gismert: Okay. Hi, Michael. How are you? Are you fed now?

Michael Che: All right, Bailey. So I heard you got to preview a lot of summer movies. That’s pretty cool.

Bailey Gismert: Yeah. Like so I got to see the live action remake of ‘Aladdin’.

[Cut to Bailey. There is a picture of Aladdin movie’s poster at the right side. And to be honest, I thought it was random. Like, I’ve never seen any of that happen in real life. No. Like, okay, first of all, that’s not what a lamp looks like. It’s not. It’s not. And like also you’re like rubbing it? Ew, Aladdin, you’re so random.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: All right. Well, why don’t you tell me about a movie you actually liked?

Bailey Gismert: Okay, yeah. [Cut to Bailey. There is a picture of Detective Pikachu movie’s poster.] I guess ‘Detective Pikachu’ was like lit. Like, because like that movie makes sense to me like, right? Because Pikachu was so good at pokemon. But now he’s working up the ranks to detective. Like I don’t know. Like, Pikachu can get it.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Wait, Baily, do you like Pikachu?

Bailey Gismert: Yeah, like as a detective.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like you have a crush on him.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, stop. Don’t—[Cut to Bailey] Michael, don’t. Don’t. I’m serious. Okay? Yes, he’s smart. He’s hot. He has a good job. And yeah, like short guys are usually funny. But if you say I like Pikachu he’s going to find out because he’s like a really good detective.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Bailey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: No—I’m fine. [Bailey is breathing heavy] I’m just like—running on fumes. And I know like know that it’s kind of an easy week for you because like the Jonas Brothers wrote most of the show. [Cut to Bailey] But I actually do like everything for myself. Like spirit club. And comb my horse. And like on top of those two things, like at some point this week I have to like walk an old woman.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Walk an old woman? Why?

Bailey Gismert: For my service project. Michael, God. [Cut to Bailey. Bailey is very upset.] And like on top of all that the senior lock-in ended early because like a girl slept on the bleachers and fell through a crack. She didn’t die but she’s like not going to college.

[Cut to Michael and Bailey]

Michael Che: Yeah. Well, Bailey, I think it’ll all work out. You’ve got a bright future.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, suck-up. If you’re thirsty for me as Michael Che is, like and subscribe below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t Youtube. This is live television.

Bailey Gismert: Oh, my god. Cool. Like a play?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap]

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.

Fashion Coward – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of exclusive fashion commercial]

Heidi Gardner: I let my look do the talking.

Ego Nwodim: My body is my canvas, and my clothes is my paint.

Narrator: When it comes to fashion, there’s no risk you won’t take. Well, congrats on being hot, but this ain’t for you. [Cut to a simple clothing store] Introducing fashion coward, the only stor for people who hate shopping and feel lost and scared, with clothes that suggest the general idea of a person. So many shirts are almost normal, but then they go like this. [Kate wearing a simle shirt with a knot at the bottom] We keep it safe with things like brown sweater, navy shirt, pants for the legs and one black dress that says keep it moving.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim from exclusive fashion commercial]

Ego Nwodim: My style tells a story.

[Cut to Emma in the simple clothing store]

Emma Stone: Same. My story is I’m a stranger to myself.

Aidy Bryant: I go in cruises with my parents.

Kate McKinnon: Ideal juror.

Narrator: Can’t decide between buttons and no buttons? We split the diff with a whole lot of this. [Cut to clips of shirts with half trail buttons] That’s a half trail of buttons that say – Bail! Bail, bail, bail. And you got to try on our big gray zip-up sweatshirt [Cut to clips of oversized hoodies] that doubles as a real life invisibility cloak. Try it on in our coward proof fitting room. As a child, you were humiliated in a Kohl’s fitting room where your mother said something so harmful, is seared off the top layer of your brain. You’re safe here with things like far mirrors.

[Cut to Kate checking her clothes on a mirror that’s pretty far]

Kate McKinnon: That’ll do.

Narrator: If an item of clothing makes you ask, am I this person?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe for like a rooftop party?

Narrator: It will immediately burst into flames. [The dress burns itself] Decisions are hard. That’s why if you take more than seconds to decide if you want something, the fitting room emits a mercy gas that knocks you out. [Kate faints] Then you’re carried home by a big strong man who shops for you. [Big strong man carrying Kate on his shoulder and choosing clothes for her] And we don’t sell swimsuits. You know why. [Cut to Kate, Aidy and Emma. They are very happy] Fashion coward.

Weekend Update: Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi on Picnics – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Michael Che

Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day

Brie Bacardi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It’s the first warm weekend in New York. Here with some romantic picnic tips Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi.

[Nico and Brie join Michael Che]

Nico Slobkin: Hey. What’s up man?

Brie Bacardi: Hi Michael.

Nico Slobkin: Jokes have been fire tonight man. Good job.

Michael Che: Thanks, man. So let’s hear these romantic picnic tips.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Okay, so the key to perfect picnic is a pretty location.

Nico Slobkin: Yeah, last week Brie and I picnicked at the Superbloom in LA. Here’s a post.

[Cut to Instagram post of their picnic]

Brie Bacardi: It says, “He thinks the flowers looked prettier on me than in the earth. #superbloom #ashappyasdayone #flatearth”.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: Wow, are you guys as in love in real life as you are in your pictures?

Brie Bacardi: Yes, [Cut to Nico and Brie] and people can tell because that’s our most liked photo to date.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, actually you’re wrong. She’s wrong. It’s actually our Disney land photo. That’s the most liked one.

Brie Bacardi: Okay, sorry, I’m wrong. [Acting annoyed] Sorry everyone. I guess I’m wrong.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Are you mad?

Brie Bacardi: No.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. You seem mad.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well I’m not mad.

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Well you seem obviously mad.

Brie Bacardi: Nico, I literally don’t care. Drop it.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Drop it.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, is that how you think I talk?

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yes, when you get mad, you talk like that.

Brie Bacardi: [Pauses for a moment] Okay. Then I guess I’ll never talk again.

Nico Slobkin: [Tries to make up to Brie] No, baby. I’m sorry. What can I do? [Brie just shakes her head] What can I do? You want me to make you laugh? You want me to do Cartman? I’ll do the Cartman voice? [In Cartman voice] Cheesy poo!

Brie Bacardi: [Brie starts to laugh] Oh my god, that’s Cartman. Oh, that’s so fresh, baby.

Nico Slobkin: She loves it.

Brie Bacardi: I love you.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: I love you too, baby.

Michael Che: You good?

Brie Bacardi: Yeah, bulletproof Che. [Cut to Nico and Brie] So our next tip. Don’t forget to pack the rose because girls love the rose. Is that what your girlfriend drinks, Che?

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Michael Che: I don’t have a girlfriend.

Brie Bacardi: What? [Brie touches Michael] You don’t have a girlfriend? That’s crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Well, let me know when you’re done hitting on Michael Che in front of me.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god.

[Nico pulls his shirt up covering his face]

Nico Slobkin: I’ll be in here.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. And he’s got a shirt shield on.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Oh my god!

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Brie Bacardi: Were you not backstage when Emma Stone walked by and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, she’s so pretty.” Your eyes went out of your head.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, I was like the mask? They were like ‘Ba-Doom!’

Brie Bacardi: Yes!

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Oh my god, Michael Che!

Brie Bacardi: You know what, you’re embarrassing yourself.

[Cut to Nico and Brie]

Nico Slobkin: Really?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. We’re breaking up.

Nico Slobkin: We’re breaking up?

Brie Bacardi: Yes. For real.

Nico Slobkin: Great! Whoo! Freedom.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, you’re happy?

Nico Slobkin: Yeah.

Brie Bacardi: Cool. That’s good to know for the after-party because let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. BTS will be there.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Yay.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, and Pete will be there. Cool. I’m good.

Nico Slobkin: [Mocking Brie] Whoo! Yay!

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Well, okay. So, it wouldn’t be the first time you made out with eight dudes in one night.

Brie Bacardi: Oh, my god.

Nico Slobkin: Yes, she did. She did.

Brie Bacardi: And it was on October fest.

Nico Slobkin: So? I cannot do this anymore. You’re driving me insane. I hate my life.

Brie Bacardi: Okay. Well, I’m pregnant.

Nico Slobkin: You know I hate when you do this. So, I’m going to ask you, are you lying?

Brie Bacardi: Yes.

Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.

Brie Bacardi: Our planet is flat.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.