Tag: Heidi Gardner

Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something]

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.]

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

[cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood 2019

Eddie Murphy…Mr. Robinson

Damien…Mikey Day

Mikka…Heidi Gardner

Patrick…Chris Redd

[Mr. Robinson opens the door and enters the room]

♪ It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. ♪

♪ Could you be mine ♪

[Comes downstairs, opens closet & hangs his coat & puts on a yellow jacket]

♪ Would you be mine ♪

♪ I am gone for good but it’s now all right my neighbors are all black but now they white ♪

[Sits on the bench, put shoes on]

♪ So the check cashing place turned into a bank ♪

♪ And the stairs they don’t stink ♪

♪ The white people came and changed everything ♪

♪ But I am still your neighbor.

[Looking at the camera while tying his shoes]

Mr. Robinson: Hey, boys, and girls.

It’s your old pal Mr. Robinson. So much has changed since we last spent some time together.

My neighborhood has gone through so much.

It has gone through something called gentrification. Can you say that?

It’s like a magic trick. White people pay a lot of money and then poof!

All the black people are gone.

But where do they go, boys and girls?

Back to where they come from, of course.

Atlanta. now it’s just me by myself.

You’re all probably wondering how Mr. Robinson can afford to live in this neighborhood.

That’s the word of the day.

[Walks up to ‘Squatter’s Rights’ board]

Mr. Robinson: Squatter’s rights. It’s like finders’ keepers but for other people’s houses.

[Doorbell rings. Eddie Murphy looks excited. Walks up to the stairs, waves at the camera to come]

Mr. Robinson: Who could that be?

Let’s go see, boys and girls.

[Mr. Robinson standing at the door yells]

Mr. Robinson: Who is it?

[Damien speaks from the other side of the door]

Damien: It’s Damien and Mikka from 7 f.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Damien and Mikka are my new neighbors.

They paid $1.2 million for an apartment where Mr. Robinson’s friend used to cook crack.

Let’s see what they want.

[Eddie Murphy opens the door]

Damien: Hey, Mr. Robinson. Sorry to bother you.

We ordered a new 72-inch Samsung TV and they say it was delivered, but it’s not in the lobby.

We were wondering if you knew anything about that.

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: Don’t worry, boys and girls. Mr. Robinson knows just what to

say in situations like this.

[Mr. Robinson yells at Damien & Mikka]

Mr. Robinson: You think I stole your TV cause I’m black?

Damien & Mikka: No! Of course not! [Puts hands on the face & act embarrassed & surprised]

[Mr. Robinson looks at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: It always works, boys and girls.

Damien: We would never do that.

Mikka: Yeah, no. We’re asking everyone. Not just you.

Damien: Yeah, I’m sorry we gave you that impression.

Mikka: Yeah & we’ll get out of your hair.

[Damien & Mikka slowing walking back]

Damien: Yeah, so, if you see the tv, let us know.

Mikka: Oh, and we would love for you to come to our holiday party.

[Mr. Robinson yelling at Damien & Mikka. Shuts the door on their faces]

Mr. Robinson: Why I want to come to your holiday party?

[Mr. Robinson pans back at camera & smiles]

Mr. Robinson: Can you believe the nerve of them boys and girls?

There is a special word for that.

[Walks downstairs. Pick up the remote to turn on the TV]

[RACIST shows up on the TV screen. Next to the TV, plenty of opened Amazon delivery boxes.]

Mr. Robinson: Racist. They weren’t being good neighbors at all.

[Puts down the remote. Someone knocks on the door]

Mr. Robinson: Excuse me, boys and girls. It’s more visitors. [Looking at the camera]

[Starts yelling at the door]

Damien, I didn’t take your TV and you can’t prove nothing!

[Patrick speaks from behind the door]

Patrick: I’m not Damien, sir. My name is Patrick.

Mr. Robinson: I don’t know no damn Patrick!

Patrick: I know that but did I a DNA test and they said you’re my father.

I just want to meet you.

[Mr. Robinson looks surprised]

Mr. Robinson: Boys and girls, there is a new company called 23 and me.

And because of them, 23 people now say their father is me!

[Turns to the door and yells]

Mr. Robinson: Be right there!

[Pans back at the camera]

Mr. Robinson: That’s my cue, boys and girls. I have to go tell police there

is a strange black man banging on my door.

[Walks up to the window on the left side of the room]

Until we meet again, ♪ tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

[Slowly climbs out of the window]

♪ I’ll come back home tomorrow when my kid is not here ♪

[Waves at the camera & close the window]

♪ Goodbye, boys and girls! ♪

Singing Elves

Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat

Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson

Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson

Latony Garag… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]

Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.

Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.

[Cut to few adults and children clapping]

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.

[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]

Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.

Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.

Heidi: Hon, be fun.

Beck: Okay.

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.

Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.

Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!

[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]

Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.

Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.

Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.

Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!

Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Wig white black boot

wide belt red suit

Dondra: [singing]

Beard gorwn lips pursed

enters the room booty first

Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]

Dondra: Everybody get some lube

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

help this booty slip and bloop!

Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop

Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!

[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.

Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.

Heidi: Who’s that?

Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.

Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?

Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.

Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.

Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?

Dondra: Exactly.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh

Mrs. C comes out to play

Dondra: [singing]

Mrs. Claus don’t give no f

she gives her cookies to the elves

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs

Wondrous: Needs

Dondra: Needs that starts with a D

Wondrous: D

Dondra: If you give an f

Wondrous: F

Dondra: Please loan one out to me

Wondrous: Me

Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!

[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?

Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.

Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?

Beck: Mistyandre.

Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.

Beck: Maybe you do.

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.

Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.

[Latony Garag walks in.]

Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.

Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?

[Cut to Latony Garag]

Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!

[Cut to the disappointed audience]

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Santa’s tired he’s a grump

Dondra: [singing]

Sork all night he needs a bump

Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump

Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum,

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.

Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]

Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.

Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.

Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.

 

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Children’s Clothing Ad

Ego Nowdim

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Nathan… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with families shopping]

Narrator: The holidays are here. So head to Macy’s for unbeatable deals on a winter wardrobe for the whole family. Men’s blazers starting at $49.99. Kashmir tops for her from $79.99. And for your little ones, Macy’s have the festive fashion that’ll have them saying—

[Cut to a kid]

Kid: It’s too hot!

[Cut to another kid]

Kid: It itches!

[Cut to a baby crying]

[Cut to parents struggling to dress their kids]

Narrator: It is the season for wrestling your wiggly little monster into thick winter clothes. So, all month long, we’re taking 25% off boys merino wool sweaters that won’t fit over his head.

[Cut to Nathan putting the sweater on his kid]

Nathan: If you stop squirming, it would be on already.

Narrator: And 40% off cozy corduroys that’ll pinch his little nuts.

[Cut to Ego and Chris with their kid.]

Ego: Can’t he just wear his jeans?

Chris: [yelling] You don’t wear jeans to church.

Narrator: And for your little girl, it’s half off all hard, shiny shoes that hurt.

[Cut to Kate walking with her kid]

Kid: Ow! These shoes hurt.

Kate: Welcome to being a woman, Kylie.

Narrator: And 30% off all holiday rompers she’ll never get off in time.

[Cut to Heidi drying her kid’s romper with hair dryer]

Kid: It’s wet!

Heidi: Okay, you have to tell mommy when you have to go.

Narrator: The weather outside may be frightful, but at Macy’s, we’ve got kids jackets so big and thick, [Kenan struggling to put his kid to the car seat] they won’t fit in their car seat anymore.

[Cut to Kenan closes the car door with frustration and swears]

Kenan: Here we go. You didn’t hear that, buddy.

Narrator: And save an extra 10% on snow boots that are so hard to put on, it’ll strain your marriage.

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: You need to put your foot in sideways and then twist it.

Nathan: [yelling] Well, if you can do it, then do it.

Narrator: And deals so hot, even forsty—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: You need to learn, Nathan.

Nathan: [talking to his daughter] Daddy’s a dumb ass.

Narrator: And deals so hot—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: okay, well, if this is gonna be your attitude, maybe we should tell my mom we’re not coming.

Narrator: And deals so—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Nathan: Oh, no, and miss your brother getting drunk and asking to borrow money? Whatever will I do?

Narrator: And for your new arrivals, we’ve got precious winter onesies with so many tiny buttons and snaps, you’ll let your baby sit in a loaded diaper for hours just to avoid putting it back on. Plus, every day savings on mittens they’ll lost, shirts with the wrong ‘Frozen’ princess, sweaters that make them hot, flannel that’s make them hot, scarves that make them hot— [Kenan opens the scarf of a kid, but realizes it’s not his kid]

Kenan: [shocked] Where is my kid? Marcus!

Narrator: And button downs with sharp, scratchy tags in the back that’ll have them bitching all season long. Look, we know it’s awful for them and for you. But one day, they’ll be too old to wear cute little clothes like this and you’ll miss it. So, suck it up and get down to Macy’s.

[Cut to Nathan’s family picture]

Narrator: The clothes they’ll hate creates the memories you’ll love.

Celebrity Sighting

Heidi Gardner

Michael… Bowen Yang

Scarlett Johansson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Fan… Kate McKinnon

Nick… Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]

Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.

Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.

Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.

Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.

[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]

Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?

Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]

Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.

Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?

Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.

Bartender: Uh… the fans?

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.

Michael: Babe, he was joking.

[Cut to everybody]

Bartender: I wasn’t.

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.

Michael: Okay, you’re right.

Scarlett: Miss!

Hostess: How can I help you?

[Hostess walks in]

Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.

Hostess: Um, okay.

Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.

[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen]

[Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]

Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.

[The Chef walks in]

Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.

Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?

Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?

Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.

[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking]

[Chef takes a selfie]

Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.

Scarlett: It’s amazing.

Michael: That’s so sweet.

[Another fan walks in]

Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?

Michael: Yeah. No problem.

Nick: I’m Nick by the way.

Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.

Nick: Thank you. So awesome.

Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?

Michael: I don’t know.

[Another fan walks in]

Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.

Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.

Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.

[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]

Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?

Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?

Chris: Would you do the pose?

Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?

Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.

Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!

Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?

Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.

[Michael starts choking]

Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.

Fan: Do something.

Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.

[The Chef runs in]

Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.

[Michael spits out the gum]

Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.

Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?

Chef: I would like another selfie.

Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.

Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.

Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.

Barry’s Bootcamp

Ted… Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Amber… Bowen Yang

Patron… Jennifer Lopez

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Cora… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with few people stretching to work out]

Ted: So, this is Barry’s Bootcamp? Huh?

Ego: Yes. I come here all the time. It’s intense. But it’s fun.

Ted: Well, it’s an interesting first date.

Ego: Date? My mom is marrying your dad.

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: Okay. What’s good, Barry’s Bootcamp? Welcome to trainer audition. Today you will help decide who gets hired and who has to make the smoothies. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: We’re excited.

Ego: No, Ted. Be small.

[Cut to Amber working out]

Amber: Hey, hey, Barry’s Bootcamp, Ellis Island. My name is Amber. And I’m here because I’m not quick. OJ Simpson got caught because he gave up. Dumbass. All he had to do was keep driving. Like, I drive myself everyday to do better, be stronger and turn my penis into a bicep. Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Penis into a bicep? What is he talking about?

Ego: It’s boot camp. They’re trying to pump us up. Do the exercise.

[Cut to Patron working out]

Patron: My name is Patron and I am here to get your hatch snatched. When I was born, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk. My parents had to carry me everywhere. Pathetic. But I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today. Shredded, talking. You have to ask yourself, are you a ford? Or are you a Ferrari? I choose both. Vroom! Vroom! Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Where do you get those thingies?

Ego: You mean the weights? They’re next to you.

[Cut to Cecily working out]

Cecily: Pop on! Boot camp! I’m here to help you push yourselves. Just like I pushed my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Now he only wears condom to be funny. Jealous? Come on. I want your blood, sweat, tears and little tooth.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: You know what? She was looking at me when she said tooth.

Ego: That’s because you are tooting, Ted? It’s thick, and there are no windows.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I think my sheer talent is enough to overcome them. Two years ago I was diagnosed as dyslexic. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out. Patrol walks in.]

Patron: It’s all about accountability, people. I’m going to hover by someone [Cut to Patrol staring at Ego] who’s being lazy as hell.

Ego: Me?

Patron: How do you think you get this way? I haven’t had a car since I was a baby.

[Cut to Beck working out]

Beck: Hello! I am beef! Let’s push through the pain. Have you ever been cheated on? It sucks. Just ask my girlfriend. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Now, grab those kettle bells. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Patron: Hop, oh god! Hop, oh god! Fupa in the air! and hop, oh god!

[Cut to Cora working]

Cora: Me now! My whole life, I want to be creative. Only one problem, I’m too stupid. But then I discovered Barry’s Bootcamp and I got toned and fit. And finally booked a role. That rule? Wife. My name? Cora. Let go.

[Amber walks in and Cora leaves]

Amber: Ding dong. Anybody home? Hey, I don’t let anything stop me. Just like my man Oscar Pistorius. No legs, no problem. He still murdered his girlfriend and a friend. Look, I’m all about results. Search results. I googled my dad every day. Where is he? Let’s go.

[Patrol walks in. Chloe leaves]

Patron: Let’s take it to the finish line. You can make your dreams come true. Mine did. The one where all my teeth fell out. A wise woman once said, “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You’d better work, bitch!” That woman? Mother Teresa. Let’s go.

[Chloe, Amber, Beck, Cecily and Cora join in.]

Chloe: We did it! Congratulations!

Amber: Wow, we’re all getting hired?

Chloe: No. We’re done. She’s getting hired and you’re Mr. Smoothie.

Amber: Yeah, that makes sense.

Hip-Hop Carolers

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Sandra… Heidi Gardner

Jennifer Lopez

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

DaBaby

[Starts with three people in a Christmas decorated house]

Kyle: Yay, that gingerbread house looks amazing.

Alex:  Uh-huh, our best one yet, pal.

Heidi: All right, who’s ready for dinner?

[door knocking]

Alex: Huh, are we expecting someone?

Heidi: Ah! You know what? It is probably those adorable kids who come around singing Christmas carols every year.

[door knocking]

Alex: Wow! Anxious little guys.

[Alex opens the door]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas.

Chris: May we enter?

Alex: Wait, what?

[four unknown people enter the house]

Alex: Um, Sandra, [cut to everybody] are these the Carolers you were referring to?

Heidi: Obviously not.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: Are you guys going to rob us?

[Cut to the Christmas carolers]
Jennifer: No. We’re not robbers. We’re carolers.

Speaker 6: Hip hop carolers. Specially late 90s, early 2000s.

Chris: Yeah! Groups like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, The Fugees, and City High.

Pete: Plus Christmas.

Chris: Now, I’m reading the room right now and I got the feeling some people don’t know who in the hell City High is.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Jennifer: But they ‘bout to know. [cut to the carolers] Hit it.

[music playing]

Speaker 6: Now, this song is about one very special Christmas boy.

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

Chris: What do you think about that?

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Alex: Am, I think you set up the song like it was going to be Jesus, but that was was about Kevin McAllister in Home Alone.

[Cut to the carolers]

Speaker 6: Right! My man gets it!

Pete: Donations! Donations! [Pete walks forward]

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Heidi: Just give them some money so they go away.

Alex: Sure, sure. Guys, that was dynamite. [Cut to everybody] Here’s 20 bucks. Okay?

Jennifer: We don’t do it for the money. [Cut to the carolers] We’ll take it though.

Chris: And to thank you, we’re going to give you another Christmas carol. Hit it!

[music playing]

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

[music stops]

Pete: Donations! Donations!

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Alex: Nah! I think you’re all set. Great job. Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the carolers]

Pete: Hey, don’t worry. We’re leaving.

Jennifer: After one more Christmas carol.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: None of these are Christmas carols.

[cut to carolers]

[music playing]

[The carolers are singing randomly]

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Heidi: Okay, no! Okay! [music stops] No! We’re not going to do this, alright? You guys did not even rehearse this one.

Alex: Hmm. Yeah, guys. Time to go.

[cut to carolers]

Jennifer: Most definitely.

Chris: Yo! DaBaby, you ready?

[Cut to everybody]

[DaBaby walks from the inside of the house with a black baggage]

DaBaby: Yeah, what’s up? I’m ready.

Alex: Sorry, who the hell is this?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: This is my boy, DaBaby. He’s been robbin yáll while we been caroling.

Kyle: You said you weren’t robbers.

Chris: We didn’t He did, for us!

[Cut to DaBaby]

DaBaby: Yeah, I’m like Robinhood. I rob the rich, and take it back to the hood.

Chris: Merry Christmas, y’all!

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas!

[the carolers leave]

Speaker 6: Hey, can I use yáll bathroom real quick?

Heidi: No. But it’s Christmas!

NATO Cafeteria Cold Open

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Justin Trudeau… Jimmy Falon

Emmanuel Macron… Paul Rudd

Boris Johnson… James Corden

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Egils Levits… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Stront

[Starts with a narrator narrating]

Narrator: This week, during the NATO conference in London, foreign leaders were caught on a hot mic making fun of President Trump. This included Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, French President Emmanuel Macron and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who Trump had considered a friend. Some dismissed it as petty high school gossip, but you should have seen what happened in the NATO cafeteria.

[Cut to the NATO cafeteria]

Chloe: Oh, hey Denmark.

Heidi: Hey, Norway. NATO conference has been hella ride this year.

Chloe: Totally. So international and fun.

Heidi: Oh, my god. Look, it’s Trudeu and Macron. They’re so cool.

[Cut to Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron walking in with their lunch.]

[cheers and applause]

Emmanuel Macron: Bonjour!

Justin Trudeau: Hey, sorry.

[Cut to Heidi and Chloe]

Chloe: Oh, my god, wow. And I guess, Boris Johnson is hanging out with them now, too.

[Cut to Boris Johnson walking in and joining Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron]

[cheers and applause]

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha, rather!

Emmanuel Macron: Come on. Let’s get some lunch. Maybe even a little bit of wine because we are bad boys.

[They walk to a lunch table where a Romanian is sitting]

Justin Trudeau: [bullying] Romania, scram!

[Romanian leaves the table]

Romanian: Sorry. Hey, you guys. I love your economy.

Emmanuel Macron: Away, geek!

Boris Johnson: Yeah, why don’t you Brexit outta here, Dweeb? Ha-ha-ha.

[Romanian leaves]

Justin Trudeau: OMG. Is that supposed to be a joke bBris? You’re being so cringe right now.

Boris Johnson: Yeah, no. I know. It was dumb of me. I’m sorry guys.

Justin Trudeau: You’re always sorry. You just got to try keep up. That’s what it’s like to hang out with cool guys.

[Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau takes their combs out of their pockets and start combing their hair]

Boris Johnson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [He spits on his hands and fixes his hair with his hands]

Emmanuel Macron: Shh! Quiet! Look, it’s Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Emmanuel Macron: Did you see him speak for 45 minutes the other day? It was just supposed to be a photo.

Justin Trudeau: Well, if I looked like him, I’d try to distract the photographer, too.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, he’s not good looking like us three.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey, guys, is this seat taken?

Justin Trudeau: Sorry, actually, it is.

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, we would love to see you talk and chew at the same time, but we promised this to a friend.

Donald Trump: Well, I’m Boris’ friend. Right, Boris?

[Boris Johnson is looking away]

Boris Johnson: Don’t make this harder than it already is— I’m hanging out with these guys now.

Justin Trudeau: Why don’t you sit over there, Donald? With Latvia?

[Cut to Egils Levits sitting dumbly]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes. Latvia seems more your speed.

Donald Trump: Okay, well, let’s hang out later on then, okay?

Justin Trudeau: Oh, definitely. Yeah, hey, by the way, you look thin. Have you lost weight?

Donald Trump: Actually I’ve gained quite a bit.

Emmanuel Macron: Well, it does not show. You look good.

Boris Johnson: And that tie. What is it made of?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chinese chemicals. It is a clip-on, top and bottom.

[Cut to everybody]

Emmanuel Macron: Very cool. Well, Au Revior.

Justin Trudeau: Oh, my god! That guy’s a mess.

Emmanuel Macron: Did you hear him talk about climate change the other day? He said we need stronger toilets.

Emmanuel Macron: He’s like dumber than Boris.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. He is! Ha-ha! He’s dumber than me!

Emmanuel Macron: Quick, quick. Wave so he thinks we like him.

[Three of them wave at Donald Trump]

[Cut to Egils Levits and Donald Trump. Donald Trump is putting a lot of sugar on his drink.]

Donald Trump: [Talking to Egils Levits] These are my best friends. We run this place.

Eglis Levits: Oh, that’s nice. Hi, my name is Egils Levits but you can call me Egg. Would you like to try some of my pickled squid?

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That’s great Ted!

Eglis Levits: Okay, so this one time in Latvia, we fed the wolvering snaps, and he went nuts! Ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. I’m at the loser’s table. I can’t believe they made me sit with the foreign guy.

Eglis Levits: Hey, this is NATO. We’re all foreign.

Donald Trump: Okay, Fred, please, I’m trying to listen in here.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Justin Trudeau: So, Boris, Macron and I were talking. We think that you should throw a party. This weekend. At Buckingham palace.

Boris Johnson: Well, that’s, that’s the queen’s house.

Emmanuel Macron: Ah, do it, Boris! Unless, you’re not cool enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Did somebody say something about a party?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Oh! I don’t think your would want to go. You’d have to walk upstairs.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and the food is all high quality but small portions. It’s your nightmare.

Boris Johnson: Yeah. You like younger women. This party’s only got Macron’s wife. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Emmanuel Macron: What did you say?

Boris Johnson: Nothing. No, I’m just saying because your wife is older.

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha-ha! That’s good. I like when it’s mean but not about me. So, should I sit with you guys? Because this seat is still not taken.

Emmanuel Macron: No, it’s actually, it’s for someone else. Angela! Angela!

[Cut to Angela eating her meal]

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: We saved you a seat.

[Cut to Angela not believing]

Angela Merkel: Is this happening? I’m actually about to sit at the cool kids table? Okay. Just relax, Angela. Should I bring my flugelhorn? No, I must leave this behind. I must leave it all behind because I am cool now.

[Angela sands and walks to them]

Well, maybe one strudel. Hey, so— What’s up, my dudes? Sorry, Donald, you Shnoogan, you loogan. Hello fello cool kids. Soybean tariffs, am I right?

Justin Trudeau: Hey, Angela, you know who might be coming to our party? Obama!

[Cut to Angela freaking out]

Angela Merkel: Barack!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and you like-like him? What? No. Obama? Eww, he’s like gross. I definitely did not draw his face on my body pillow or anything.

[Cut to everyone]

Justin Trudeau: And Donald, I heard someone likes you too.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Really, who?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Putin.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Boris, do the signs.

Boris Johnson: Oh!

[Boris Johnson stands and walks away]

[Cut to everybody]

Boris Johnson: Well, you know, you better get back to Latvia, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes. Okay, I’ll see you at the party later.

Justin Trudeau: Yeah, totally. It’s under the London Bridge.

[Donald Trump walks away. Boris Johnson stuck a message sign on Donald Trump’s back that says ‘Impeach Me!’]

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: It’s under the London Bridge, but you have to show up naked too.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Egils Levits]

Donald Trump: Okay. I’ll see you guys there. Thanks.

Eglis Levits: Hey, you know, those guys aren’t your friends. They’re mean.

Donald Trump: Well, they’re just kidding around. They love me.

[Donald Trump is shedding tears]

Eglis Levits: Are you crying?

Donald Trump: I just have a little cheeseburger in my eye.

Eglis Levits: You know, you guys really are jerks, okay? [Cut to everybody] You’re all two-faced, and I’m not getting impeached. It’s all a sham. Well, speaking of faces, I’ve heard you can’t get impeached if your hand is bigger than your face.

Donald Trump: Really?

[Donald Trump tried to compare his face and palm, but Justin Trudeau hits him on his face]

[everybody laughing]

Angela Merkel: What a nerd!

[everybody laughing]

[everybody stops moving as if the video is paused]

[Melania Trump walks in with a remote]

Melania Trump: Hello, I am Melania Trump. Bullying is a serious problem. Especially against president Trump. It’s not nice. He would never do it to you. So, please, European leaders, be best. Oh, and I’d also like to tell you about peloton. Are you a scared woman who is traveling inside the mansion? Why not imaging biking away from it all. On Peloton. Merry Christmas to me. Oh and—

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night