Tag: Kate McKinnon

The Lead with Jake Tapper Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Walter White… Bryan Cranston

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome to The Lead. I’m Jake Tapper and you’re watching CNN. Be careful on the elyptical. President elect Donald Trump has– he has made some unconventional picks for his cabinet. here to help make sense of this if Trump’s senior advisor Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake. Happy to be here.

[Cut to Jake Tapper and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, Trump has nominated Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt to head the EPA even though he is a fossil fuel advocate that doesn’t believe in climate change.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Well, yes. Actually, it’s got Pruitt as excited for the job and he is protect us all from the environment.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Um, I’m not sure that’s how it works. This pick is not the only one that has people scratching their heads. There’s also the decision to name the CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s Andy Puzder as secretary of labor even though Puzder doesn’t support the minimum wage. Kenlyanne, it’s almost like Mr. Trump appoints these people specifically to undermine the very agencies they head. Are these bad picks?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: They are not bad. They are alt-good.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Wasn’t Donald Trump supposed to drain swamp?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Um-hmm, and actually, Mr. Trump is draining the swamp as he said he would, and the frogs and the toads the newts that are left who have mutations that allow them to survive are now his cabinet pets.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Ah! Now, as you know Kellyanne, we have breaking news. President elect Trump has just made his choice for the federal DEA, the federal drug enforcement agency, and it’s a high school science teacher from New Mexico named Walter Wright.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Hello, Jake.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Walter White]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is amazing. He came highly recommended by Steve Bannon.

Walter White: Oh, yeah. Steve’s the best. We’ve had some times.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Where did Mr. Bannon find you?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Under the comment section at Breitbart. And I’m really surprised he tracked me down because I’ve kind of been off the grid for a while.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And you’re a high school science teacher?

Walter White: Yeah.

Jake Tapper: Do you know anything about drug enforcement?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [laughs] Oh, trust me. I know the DEA better than anyone, inside and out.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Mr. White, how did you even get considered for this job? Do you know Donald Trump?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: No. Nope. But I’m a big fan. I like his style. He acts first and then asks questions later. I also like that wall he wants to build. Nothing comes in from Mexico, meaning a lot less competition for the rest of us.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: You mean jobs?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [smirks] Sure.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is actually a genius with chemicals and we’re so lucky to get him. The top companies in the countries had been knocking in his door for years, but he never answered.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, I am the one who knocks.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And Mr. White, do you foresee any problems with congress considering your limited experience?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, they might get hung up on the fact that I faked my own death. I’m only the third person in the Trump cabinet to do that.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. White is actually such a great fit for this administration. He is first and foremost in support of small business.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Oh, absolutely. Donald Trump and I agreed. It’s time to make America cook again. We want to fill this nation with red, white and a whole lot of blue. And let me tell you one more thing, Jake, like from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Dyke & Fats Save Christmas

Dyke… Kate McKinnon

Fats… Aidy Bryant

Chief… John Cena

[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.

[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]

Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.

[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.

[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa]

[Cut to the police station]

Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.

Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.

Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.

Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.

Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.

Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.

Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.

Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?

Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?

Fats: We’re back to that?

Dyke: No, we’re past that.

Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!

[The End]

The Christmas Candle (Emma Stone)

Emma Stone

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Emma, Kate and Aidy in a room full of candles and a Christmas tree.]

Kate: Everyone knows the story…

Emma: Of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Aidy: This is the story…

Emma: Of another more powerful Christmas savior.

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] The snow’s falling down
it’s Christmas time again
a woman has to get a gift for some girl at work named Jen

Emma: She doesn’t know what Jen likes
and she doesn’t super care
so she goes inside a closet just to see what crap’s in there

Aidy: And in darkness there’s a light
then suddenly she sees the Christmas savior’s here tonight

All: It’s a candle, peach candle
it’s been sitting by a bike for a year
for a year
She takes the candle
dust off the candle
and wraps it up for Jen and just says “Here”.

Emma: Then one day after this
in foggy London town
two acquaintances are having cheer when one puts a present down

Kate: The other says, “Wait, what?”
I mean I got you something too
and she rummages inside her purse for garbage that will do

Aidy: And it settles on
something that she had just gotten from her boyfriend’s mom

All: It’s a candle, same peach candle
regifted round the world in just one day
just one day
thank you candle, the one true candle
the candle we all get, then give away.

Aidy: But here’s a warning,
when you give a candle that is all that she needs
don’t pair it with the lotion or some little cream
a lot of people think two gifts are better than one
but that just makes each gift seem smaller and dumb

All: So, just give the candle, don’t overthink the candle
it’s passed to very single woman and most gays
we all get candle, we all give the candle
that $9 candle, that almost new candle
enjoyed by the candle,
it’s a gift of having a gift to give away

a gift of having a gift to give away

Emma: Thank you, candle.

Posters

Shawn… Pete Davidson

Snowboarder… Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Walton P… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]

Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.

[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.]

[The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]

Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.

Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.

Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.

[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]

Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?

Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.

Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.

Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?

Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?

[Cut to another poster of Walton P]

Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!

Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.

Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”

Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.

Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…

Snowboarder: The slopes…

Kate: The Battlefield.

Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.

Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.

Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.

Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.

Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.

Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.

Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.

Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.

Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.

Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?

Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.

Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.

Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…

Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?

Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.

Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.

Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.

Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.

Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah!

[Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]

Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.

[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!

Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.

Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro!

[alarm ringing]

Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.

Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.

Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.

[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”

High School Theatre Show with Emma Stone

Aidy Bryant

Emma Stone

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Woodbridge High School, Student Theatre Showcase intro]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School’s Student Theatre Showcase.

Emma: Written and directed by us. The students.

Aidy: And yes, it’s very hard for us to be up here doing theatre during this current political climate.

Emma: But now, more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

Aidy: So without further due, please enjoy our show. Now more than ever, we artists cannot and will not be silenced.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[The lights turn on]

Kyle: We open on a very dark days to the world.

Beck: Okay Jews, let’s go.

[the actors are in line]

Emma: Mommy, do we have to?

Kate: Yes, honey. That’s the rules of the holocaust.

Emma: Okay, mommy. And mommy, one more question, what year is it again?

Kate: Honey, you know what year it is. Its… 2017.

All: Surprise!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

Kenan: I always forget how bad these are.

Vanessa: Ah! That one kind of made a good point though.

Kenan: They can never know you said that.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: Look, look, it’s Kylie Jenner.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Emma: Look, look, it’s Chris Hemsworth.

All: Can I get a selfie? Can I get a Selfie?

Mikey: Look, look, it’s …a scientist.

All: Ah, no thanks. Wow!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Uh, the program says, “Tonight’s proceeds go to Standing Rock, let’s get those native Americans the pipeline they want.”

Kenan: Yeah. I don’t think they know what’s happening there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are speaking in foreign language]

Emma: And scene. Excuse me, ma’am, could you understand that?

Vanessa: Um, no.

Emma: Is it because we were speaking Mandarin?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

Emma: And you only know English?

Vanessa: Um, yes.

All: Sad!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was not Mandarin. I heard them say dog in Spanish a few times.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: [coughing] Yep, you guessed it. I have AIDS. I used to be sad about my AIDS. I didn’t want AIDS. My AIDS made me feel less then. But now, I don’t let AIDS define me.

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: Oh, this one’s actually nice.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: I’m okay with AIDS. I love my AIDS. I’m glad I have AIDS and I wish everyone in the world had AIDS. Because frankly, AIDS…

All: Rocks!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Vanessa: That sort of became pro-getting-AIDS.

Kenan: Yeah, she over shot the runway at the end there.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Hey guys, for this next part, we’re gonna do something really fun. We’ve been studying improv all semester. So, all we need is a word and we’ll use it to inform this next scene.

Kenan: Basketball.

Beck: Okay, basketball. Here we go.

Emma: Honey, why are you crying?

Kyle: A kid at school called me a fairy.

Emma: Ah! Don’t listen to him. it’s great to be gay. I love you no matter who you are.

Kyle: Thanks mom. That’s important for me to hear.

Emma: Of course. Now go wash up for dinner.

Kyle: What are we having?

Emma: Basketball!

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That’s it?

Vanessa: I paid $1,000 for that improv class.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors are kissing each other]

Kate: How about from now on, less shooting more kissing?

All: Black lives matter.

[Music playing. The stage goes dark. Other showcase members walk in and set the stage]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: That was their Black Lives Matter scene?

Vanessa: I’m pretty sure they all just wanted to kiss each other and then made it about something.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

[The actors bow down]

Emma: Thank you. That’s our show.

Aidy: And remember guys, don’t throw away your tickets, coz if you save them, you can frame them. Yes.

[The End]

Film Screening

Cecilia Prince… Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Aniston

Cecilia Prince: Hello everyone and welcome to tonight’s Hailey Center event, “Big parts, small actresses.” The state of gender equality and film. To my left, star of Ghost Busters, Leslie Jones.

Leslie Jones: Girl, I told you I wanted my credit to be the Olympics.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Going down the line, star of ‘La-la Land’, Emma Stone.

Emma Stone: Hi everyone. I’m stone.

Cecilia Prince: Next, we are so fortunate to be joined by a Hollywood legend, the star of over 300 feature films, and the first woman to ever dive into a swimming pool screen. The great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s honor to be where am I?

Cecilia Prince: And we are so pleased to have with us today, the star of the upcoming film “Office Christmas Party,” Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston: It’s great to be here, and Debette, I have been dying to meet you.

Debette Goldry: And I have been slowly dying. In memoriam Oscars 2017, oh boy!

Cecilia Prince: Okay, now let me start with a question for all of you. What do you think is still holding women back?

Emma Stone: I think there are all these tiny little things. Like, you’ve got to change your hair to fit your type.

Jennifer Aniston: Yeah. And you have to act a certain way so that you don’t get labelled as a difficult.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. You gotta eat arsenic to make your skin pale.

Emma Stone: What?

Debette Goldry: I mean, Samuel Goldwyn had a rule that all of his starlets had to take arsenic tablets to make their skin glow. And then they discovered that it made us, um, I’m sorry, what is the word, psychotic. So, to calm us down, they’d send in the monkey with a tray of Opium, you know how it goes.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, I can’t– I san’t say that I actually know what you’re talking about. I mean, I know we had a monkey on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and he was quite a handful.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, handful of opium, and now that is a friend.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay. Now, do all of you find that equal pay is still a battle that needs fighting?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. Even in standup, people don’t want to talk about it but then you find out how much more men is getting paid, it’s crazy.

Debette Goldry: Well, of course we’re paid less than men. They’re men. They’re doing all the work. We’re just lying on a train track waiting to get run over.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god! So you literally were treated like an object?

Debette Goldry: Well, I mean, it made sense. Back in those days, actresses were actually part of the props budget. When I was in filming, I had to sit on a little table next to a piece of masking tape that said “Woman.” And then one of the union guys would pick me up, bring me over, show me the Alfred Hitchcock and say, “Sorry, this is all they have.”

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, my god!

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Let’s pivot. What needs to change for women, not just in Hollywood but in the world at large?

Emma Stone: I think we’re in a unique position to draw attention to worthy causes. Whether it’s raising awareness or meeting with policymakers.

Debette Goldry: You know, the studio once sent me to the white house to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ for FDR. He asked me to tickle his pickle.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: Well, I tickled his pickle. He kept all the fake pickle in his wheelchair as a joke. Then I blew him.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] That’s the end of that. Um, let’s talk about women behind the camera.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, well, I’ve been in the director’s chair–

Debette Goldry: A woman director, wow! How could that possibly work? Oh, I see, your husband comes to set dressed up like a plant? Whispers the ideas. got it.

Jennifer Aniston: What? No. I direct the movie.

Debette Goldry: Okay, Jentlefer Panty-ston. Cuckoo. No more arsenic for her, please.

Emma Stone: I think just overall, the whole vibe is so much better when there are women in the room. Whether it’s on set or in the audition.

Debette Goldry: Oh, tell me about it. They used to make me do a whole screen test just for my toot.

Emma Stone: What part of your body is your toot?

Debette Goldry: I’ll give you two guesses and they’re both right.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god! Good lord! You see, women’s bodies are constantly under the microscope.

Emma Stone: There’s a whole industry built around shaming actresses for how they look.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, yeah. You know, back when I started, we didn’t have fancy stuff like botox. So, what they’d do is they’d make a little incision on your forehead, pour in pancake batter. On a hot day we’d start to smell like a breakfast. That’s why they call it “Breakfast head at Tiffany’s.”

Emma Stone: Um, it’s called “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Debette Goldry: Whatever you say, little miss I pick my own boyfriends

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay, that’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Oh, boy, I know what that means. I got my ticklers. Where’s those pickles?

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Furonica… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]

Barbara and Furonica: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.

Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.

Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.

Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.

Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.

Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.

Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.

Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.

Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.

Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.

[Barbara shows out a cat]

Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.

[Barbara and Furonica laughing looking at each other.]

Furonica: You used to do stand-ups.  You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.

Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.

Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.

[Furonica starts touching Barbara]

Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.

Furonica: Farts are funny.

Barbara: How old are you again?

Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.

Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]

Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]

Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.

Furonica: I think I know you like it.

Barbara: Oh, boy.

Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.

Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.

Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.

Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.

Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.

Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.

[Mr. Majestical walks in and is dancing]

‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.

Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.

[Mr. Majestical walks out]

Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.

Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking

Barbara: So, come on down …

Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar]

[singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock [an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.” [Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face [Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in]
but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were 10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea [Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria [They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn. [two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream [Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.