Tag: Leslie Jones

Love and Leslie

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Leslie Jones looking at other couples]

Leslie Jones narrating: If I’m being honest, it’s really hard for me to connect with guys, coz I kind of have a big personality. I’ve tried internet dating and you know, getting hooked up by my friends. Nobody never really wants to actually date me, you know. It hurts. I wanna be in love just like any other girl.

[Cut to Aidy telling her story to Leslie Jones]

Aidy: The entire dinner was laid out with flowers. And I was like, “What is this for?” And he was like, “Just for you being you.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie Jones narrating: I was never the type of girl that really dated a lot. You know, I got my first boyfriend at 18. We were on and off for like, seventeen years. And haven’t fell in love with anybody since. And thsi job, it does not make it easy to meet men because I’m always working. It feels like the only men that I interact with is the ones that I work with you know? Sometimes it’s not a bad thing.

[Cut to Leslie talking to someone]

Male voice: I just don’t want to be on camera, okay?

Leslie Jones: You’re not ashamed to be with me, are you?

Male voice: Of course not, Leslie. It’s just, I mean, we’re at work right now.

Leslie Jones: Come on baby, trust me.

[Leslie Jones hugs him. It’s Kyle Mooney.]

Kyle Mooney: You know I can’t say no to that.

Kyle Mooney narrating: I guess you can say Leslie and I have been getting… closer this year.

Leslie Jones narrating: I like Kyle. He’s got this nerdy, goofy, cartoonish-type face. And he makes me feel really special. So…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: You know, I was thinking like, maybe tonight we can take it to the next level?

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve never gone all the way.

Leslie Jones: You know I’m gonna take care of you.

[a staff is watching them]

Leslie Jones narrating: Kyle and I kind of have some different life experiences. Kyle’s never had sex before.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: I don’t normally get involved with cast relationships. But I think it’s important for Kyle to lose his virginity.

[Cut to Kyle talking to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Are you and Leslie gonna, you know..

Alex: Oh, yeah. I heard about that.

Kyle Mooney: What? You told Alex?

Beck: Yeah, sorry, I told him.

Kyle Mooney: I don’t know, okay? Dont–

Beck: Sorry, I just didn’t think it was big of a deal.

[Kyle Mooney walks away]

Kyle Mooney narrating: I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. I guess the only thing I really struggle with is… The Colin stuff.

[Cut to video clips of Leslie flirting with Colin Jost on the show]

Why does everyone think that’s real? She’s just doing a character. It’s like entertainment, okay? I’m not doing this. I actually don’t want to do this anymore. [Kyle Mooney stands and throws away the microphone.

Leslie Jones narrating: Kyle has nothing to worry about. Me and Colin are strictly professional. [Kyle Mooney is peeking at Leslie and Colin working together] People make a big deal out of it but it’s truly just for the show.

[Kyle and Colin walk pass each other]

Kyle Mooney: You little bitch.

[Colin looks at Kyle Mooney]

Colin: What?

Kyle Mooney: Nothing.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: Don’t be like that.

Kyle Mooney: It’s just the whole world thinks you guys are together.

Leslie Jones: But you know that I don’t like him like that. It’s just for TV. [Leslie Jones gets on top of Kyle Mooney and starts undressing] And you know when the TVs come off, so does this.

Kyle Mooney: Tell me I’m not dreaming.

Leslie Jones: You are not.

[Leslie Jones closes the door]

Kyle Mooney: Baby!

Leslie Jones: Ooh!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney in the hallway in front of the door wearing robes]

Kyle Mooney: Wow. That was amazing.

Leslie Jones: Yes. And I guess it’s safe to say that–

[Dave Chappelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Excuse me. Sorry.

[Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney move and Dave Chappelle enters the room.]

God damn! Did ya’ll [bleep] in my dressing room?

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper]

[Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle]

[Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

Tilda Switon… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so, so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live on the last week of America as we know it. I know the political situation is really tense in America right now. So, you know, I tell you what we British do when the going gets tough and it feels like the whole world’s crashing down around you. We drink. We drink so much. But on the brighter note, this weekend is the opening of my movie, Doctor Strange. [cheers and applause] And you know what? It’s specially exciting because I get to play a lead in a major Hollywood film. And now more people maybe know my name but they don’t really know me. So, I thought I’d try this American past time. I believe it’s called bragging. Am I saying that right? Brag. So, indulge me for a moment and allow me to introduce myself. [Slow music starts playing. Leslie, Sasheer, Cecily and Melissa join him dancing in the stage]

Leslie: His name is Benedict.

Sasheer: That’s right.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. now let me tell you something quick and right and good.

Leslie: Give it to them, baby.

Benedict Cumberbatch: [singing] Oscar nominated, I’m the king of the screen
But the greatest swag of all is my CBE from a Queen

Ladies: What’s that?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Um, commander of the British Empire. It’s sort of like being a knight but a little lower. I got the certificate in the mails.

Ladies: That’s cool.

Leslie: You’re a knight to me, Benedict. I’m one of you Cumber-bitches..

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. And to be fair, I didn’t pick that name for my fans. I would prefer Cumber-people or Cumber-sums. But you know, they’re wonderful and devoted people. They write a whole lot of fan fiction about me on the internet. And let me tell you, it’s genuinely unsettling.

Ladies: Yes, it’s weird.

Leslie: Did you read my story? Sherlock Holmes in the case of the missing underwear?

Benedict Cumberbatch: No, I didn’t.

[singing] I don’t need to tell you, I know what you’re seeing
but every role I play is always some kind of genius

Ladies: He is smart.

Leslie: That’s right baby. Like, Sherlock Holmes.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Mr. Genius.

Leslie: Like Khan from Startrek

Benedict Cumberbatch: Evil genius.

Leslie: Alan Turning

Benedict Cumberbatch: Gay computer genius

Leslie: And Doctor Strange.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Genius wearing cloak.

Leslie: Hey, Doctor Strange. I think I feel a lump. Can you feel it?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Leslie, once again, look, I’m not a real medical doctor. And that’s not a lump. That’s your full breast.

Leslie: Can I get a second opinion?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Maybe later.

[singing] Leading ladies love me and my co-stars are smitten
from Knightley to McAdams and a bald Tilda Switon.

[Bald Tilda Switon walks in behind Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: Hello Benedict.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Whoa! Tilda? How did you get here?

Tilda Switon: I opened a portal by doing this. [gesturing their hands like they do in Doctor Strange] I’m just kidding, I took an Uber pool.

Ladies: Uber pool.

Tilda Switon: Would you like to do a little rif with me?

Benedict Cumberbatch: I would be honored.

Wow-oo-wow–oo-wow, yeah, yeah

[Tilda Switon takes the mic from Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: [singing] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, what’s my name?

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, sing it nasty.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, say it like the queen.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I’m a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Ladies: He’s a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: The mother loving Cumberbatch.

[music stops]

Well, we got a great show for you here tonight. Solange is here. So stick around and we will be right back. Thank you.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Cyber Security

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The ongoing release of hacked emails by wikileaks has made cyber security a prominent issue in this election. Here to comment on this is our own Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Thank you Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It is great to have you, Leslie. Now, what do you think of all this email hacks.

Michael Che: Well, Colin, um, I was recently hacked myself.

Colin Jost: Really? I didn’t know that.

Michael Che: Yeah. All they did was release nude pics of me, which is nothing because I don’t know if y’all notice about me but I ain’t shy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I actually notice that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Of course you notice, honey bunches of Jost. I am very comfortable with who I am. [Cut to Michael Che] I am an open book. I keep my porn in a folder labelled ‘Porn’. If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask! Just ask! What I’m trying to say is, if you wanna hurt anybody these days, you gonna have to do way more than leak their nudes or call them names. You can’t embarrass me more than I have embarrassed myself. I know all the details, coz I was there. I was there in the third grade when I told this boy Johnny I liked him and he hit me in the back of my head with a rock. I was there when I had a fake wetting with El DeBarge in my bedroom. I was there when Prince was walking towards me smiling all happy to see me until he realized that I was not Chris Rock.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. Prince though you were Chris Rock?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. In the dark we look alike. Hot top, fair teeth. Anyway– [laughing] Colin, do you think some words in the internet can hurt me? [Cut to Michael Che] I once had a crazy bitch try to beat me with a shovel at a bus stop because I took her spot on the bench. Now, that’s a troll. Real trolls ain’t tapping on keyboards. They swing in shovels. Okay? And if I was good at computers, I wouldn’t wasting trolling on people. I would do something useful like, renew my driver’s license from home. I would hack into Tinder and delete all those other girl’s profiles so no matter where you swipe, you get me. You in Missouri? You gonna get me. You in the middle of the ocean? You gonna get me.

Matter of fact, if I was that good at computers, I would build a man. A perfect masculine robot man. Okay? Forget about West-World. I’m talking about Leslie World. Full of perfect robots with perfect penises.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, perfect penises?

Michael Che: Yeah. Like you, but bigger, Colin.

Colin Jost: I- I- I was in the middle of the ocean. So Leslie, you seem pretty unphased by all these online troll.

Michael Che: Colin, let me tell you something. [Cut to Michael Che] I have spent decades getting roasted by comedians. Black comedians, at that, okay? The guy that played the crackhead from the movie Friday has a whole hour on my feet. [Michael Che laughing] So trust me, at a certain point, you stop being embarrassed and start being you. And I have been me for 49 years because the only person who can act me is me. Alright? And my firewall is a crazy bitch with a shovel. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

Michael Che: Just ask!

Halloween Block Party

Todd… Tom Hanks

Jill… Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Jennifer… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Alexia… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with three couples planning Halloween party]

Todd: Okay, great. Thanks again, everybody, for coming over to plan next week’s Halloween block party.

Jill: Yes, it’s gonna be the best one yet.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: Jill, Todd, I have a question. I’m looking at the flyer for the block party and right up at the top of costume parade, it says that “Jill and Todd are going to be on the main stage from 9 PM to ?” What is that?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Um-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. That’s our show.

Jill: Yeah.

Todd: Remember, last year you asked us to start putting together a Halloween show?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: No.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. You asked us to write a show and then star in it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Nobody said that to you.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: Wow! Jennifer doesn’t think we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: No, I’m saying no one asked you to write one.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Okay, um, [loud voice] Alexia, get down here. There people are making us prove we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: I thought your daughter Alexia was in college.

Todd: She couldn’t do it.

[Cut to everybody. Alexia comes running in]

Jill: Alexia, there you are. Are you ready to do the show?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Alexia: Won’t that spoil the surprise?

Todd: Of course it will, but these cheapskates are trying to get out of paying us.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Paying you?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes! The $2,000 you promised.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: It’s a free Halloween block party for kids! Nobody’s gonna pay!

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Alright, you win. You win. We will do a run through. But we’re just gonna be marking it.

[Todd, Jill and Alexia are setting up their mics]

Jill: Yeah, okay? Coz we were counting on another week but let’s just get our mics on, guys. Here’s the damn show you asked for!

Todd: This is basically what it’s gonna be.

[music playing]

Jill: [singing and dancing] Just a small town witch
living in a haunted house
making spells and potions
and eyeball soup

[Kenan and Jennifer are confused]

Todd: [singing and dancing] Just a dracula
boiling rage inside Detroit
got two fangs in my mouth
and pale white skin

[Kate and Beck are congused]

Alexia: [singing and dancing] A zombie in a musty tomb
the smell of brains and cheap perfume
as long as she can eat some human flesh
she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine

Todd, Jill and Alexia: Hallo… ween.
Our favorite time of the year
Hallo… ween.
it’s the noise!

[Alexia runs out]

Jill: Dracula, this can never work. We just– we don’t make sense.

Todd: Why? Because I drink blood?

Jill: No, you goof. Because I am a virgin.

Todd: So I am virgin too. Big time!

Jill: Wait a minute. You’re telling me the Dracula from South Detroit has never, you know, done it?

[cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: And this is for kids?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: You will be my first. Show me that body.

Jill: Okay. So, we’re just miming it now, but that day, we’ll actually be removing our robes.

Todd: And I will be the damn spelled, obviously.

[Cut to Todd and Jill. Alexia walks in.]

Alexia: What are you two doing?

Jill: Sophina, god, you weren’t supposed to see this.

Alexia: Obviously. Did our kiss mean nothing?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: So, they are in love triangle with their daughter?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Honey, look, I kiss lots of people. Okay? I’m a witch. Witches are slutty. That’s just a fact!

Todd: Oh, no! The sun is rising. Crap! Oh, it’s okay. I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I love you. And then I burst into flames.

Jill: No!

Todd, Jill and Alexia: [singing and dancing] Hallo… ween.

it only comes one time a year
let’s fix more treats for all time!

[music stops]

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Is that really what you spent a whole year working on?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Well, it was flipping amazing.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: We’ll give you half.

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Oh, just a thousand?

Jill: Well, you’re shrewd. But we’ll take it. Now, please leave because I can tell my husband is getting emotional.

[Kenan, Jennifer, Kate and Beck leave]

Todd: Well, we sure got screwed!

Jill: Honey, we went in asking for more than we deserved. Let’s be happy we get to perform. Alexia, go to bed.

Alexia: I’m 22.

Jill: I couldn’t tell by your performance. Go to bed.

Todd: You wanna study that choreography? [yelling]

Black Jeopardy with Tom Hanks

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Doug… Tom Hanks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes in the stage]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, wad up? Wad up, wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only TV game show where the audience is in church clothes. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Keeley.

[Cut to the contestants]

Keeley: Hi.

Darnell Hayes: Shanice.

Shanice: Okay now.

Darnell Hayes: And Doug.

[Doug is wearing Trump’s ‘Make America great again’ red hat]

Doug: How are you doing, sir?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Oh, man! Doug, you sure you’re ready to play Black Jeopardy?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: They told me a fellow can win some money, so let’s win some money. Get it done.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, I admire your confidence. Let’s see our categories. We got [cut to the game screen] ‘Big girls’, ‘Mm… I don’t know’, ‘You better’, ‘I’m gonna pray on this’, ‘they out here saying’, and as always, ‘white people’.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Okay, Keeley, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay. Let’s do ‘you better’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, to answer there, you need hot sauce, duck sauce, soy sauce and safety pins. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is ‘you better take your ass to the kitchen and look in the packet drawer’.

Darnell Hayes: Yeah. [Cut to Darnell Hayes] Yeah, the packet drawer, yeah. Ha-ha. Yeah, every kitchen’s got one. You know.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with ‘you better’ for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, your job wants to take $40 a month out of your check for a 401K. [buzzer sound] Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: What is, ‘you better give me that money so I can buy me some scratch offs’.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you damn right. You dam right. I mean, why do I need a retirement plan when I got monopoly millionaire’s club?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Yeah, I play that every week.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, that’s good for you. Okay, the board is your’s, Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: Let’s go with ‘they out here saying’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, they out here saying, the new iPhone wants your trumbprint “for your protection”. [buzzer sound] Oh, okay then, Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, ‘I don’t think so. That’s how they get you.”

[Cut to t]

Darnell Hayes: Yes! [Darnell Hayes is surprised] Yes! That’s it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Keeley: Yes, I don’t trust that.

Shanice: Me neither.

Doug: I read that goes straight to the government.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, that is not bad, Doug. The board is your’s.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, let’s go to ‘mm… I don’t know’ for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, he says his dog doesn’t bite. [buzzer sound] Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: What is, mm, I don’t know, he got teeth, Downey.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, that’s it. Anything with teeth, you know. Anything with teeth.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: Let’s stick with ‘mm… I don’t know’ for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. Caitlyn Jenner says she belongs to the cover of essence magazine. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is, mm, I don’t know, you can’t do everything.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. You know. I mean, there was a time.

Keeley: Absolutely.

[Cut to the contestants]

Doug: Oh yeah, I remember. Yeah.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay. Let’s go to ‘they out here saying’ for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer there, they out here saying that every vote counts. [buzzer sound] Oh, Doug again.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, come on, they already decided who wins, even ’fore it happens.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yes! Yes! Yes! Man, the illuminati figured that out months ago. That’s another one for Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Okay, we’re doing it. Let’s try ‘they out here saying’  for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. They out here saying, this movie doesn’t deserve an Oscar. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is, Tyler Perry’s “Boo! A Madea Halloween”?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, when that man puts on a moo-moo, I’m just transpoted.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I gotta tell you, I love those movies. I bought a box set at Walmart and if I can laugh and pray in 90 minutes, that is money well spent.

[Cut to everyone. Darnell Hayes walks to Doug]

Darnell Hayes: Oh, you know what, sir? I really appreciate you saying this. I like you.

[Darnell Hayes tries to shake his hands with Doug but Doug gets scared and puts his both hands up.]

No, no, it’s alright. It’s all good. [they shake their hands] It’s all good. Okay, yeah, yeah. It’s all good.

[Darnell Hayes walks back]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. Keeley, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s go to ‘you better’ for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer, the mechanic says you owe me $250 for new brake lines. [buzzer sound] Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, you better go to that dude in my neighborhood, he’ll fix anything for $40.

Darnell Hayes: Wow! You know Cecil?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. My Cecil’s name is Jim and he fixed my refrigerator, my air conditioner, and my cat.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah. Everybody’s got a guy. Wow, you alright, Doug. Oh! Let’s just take a moment in here about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive ‘The good chair’. Grandaddy needs somewhere to sit. Give him the good chair. And Car Tape. The best tape for fixing your car. Car Tape. It’s duck tape. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, Doug, I don’t know what’s going on but the board is your’s.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, thank you so much Darnell. You people are fun. Can I say that? Is that okay?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: [smiling] We’ll give you a pass this time.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Okay, let’s go to ‘big girls’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, skinny women can do this for you. [buzzer sound] Doug.

[Cut to Doug]
Doug: What is, not a damn thing.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you got it right. Yeah.

[Cut to the contestants. Keeley and Shanice are cheering for Doug]

Doug: My wife, she’s a sturdy gal.

Shanice: That is my man right there.

Darnell Hayes: Go Doug.

Darnell Hayes, Keeley and Shanice: Go Doug. Go Doug. Go Doug.

[banging sound]

Darnell Hayes: Oh! Oh! Oh! The sound of the broom hitting the ceiling below us means that the party has to stop. But, Doug. I have to say it has been a pleasure.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Yeah, alright.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Alright well, let’s take a look at our final Jeopardy category, ‘lives that matter’.

[Cut to the audience. No one is pressing the buzzer and Keeley and Shanice is looking at Doug]

[smiling] Well, it was good while it lasted, Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I know, I got a lot to say about this…

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: [interrupting] Yeah, I’m sure you do. When we come back, we’ll play our national anthem and just see what the hell happens. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

Escorts

Daniel… Alex Moffat

Tod… Mikey Day

Melony… Emily Blunt

Cara… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Daniel and Tod in a hotel suite]

Daniel: Dude, I’m so nervous. Ah!

Tod: Dude, why? They’re escorts. We’re paying them to like us.

[door knocking]

Alright, they’re here. Let them in.

Daniel: Okay, yeah.

[Daniel opens the door. Two women walk in]

Melony: Well, hello. We’re dates from elegant evenings.

Cara: May we come in?

Daniel: Yes, of course. Come in.

Melony: Thank you.

Cara: Executive suite, impressive. You two must do well for yourselves.

Melony: Or their daddies do.

[Daniel and Tod laughing]

Daniel: Well.

Melony: Nice to meet you. What’s your name? Daniel?

Daniel: I’m Melony. Don’t forget to breathe, sweetie.

Cara: So that makes you Tod. I hope you like what you see.

Tod: Oh, I love what I see. You’re even sexier than your picture on the website.

Daniel: Yeah. Ah, listen, we’ve never actually done this before. So, like, what do we do first?

Melony: Well, first we have a little chat. As you know, elegant evenings provides high class ladies as such, there are some rules. First kissing. I will kiss but only with this amount of tongue.

[Melony takes little of her tongue out and shows it]

Cara: I allow kissing with full tongue but only on the cheek.

Tod: Alright. Good to know. Good to know.

Daniel: So, um, what now?

Melony: We’re not done. Certain laundry detergents cause me to break out into an itchy raged rash and so you will have to strip all the sheets off the bed and we’ll enjoy each other’s company on the bare mattress.

Daniel: Just a bare hotel mattress? Isn’t that a little gross?

Melony: It’s not nearly as gross as the rash, Daniel.

Cara: And Tod, um, we need to come up with the safe word.

Daniel: Oh, um, I think I can handle it. I don’t need a safe word.

Cara: Um, yeah, you do. I’m a powerful woman, understand? I mean, stand up.

Tod: Okay.

[Tod and Cara stand up next to each other. Cara is very tall.]

Cara: Just look at our size difference. I’m gonna rag doll you, man. It’s gonna be like a sneaker in a dryer.

Tod: Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let’s pick a safe word.

Cara: Good. Our safe word is, “I’m scared, please stop.”

Tod: Okay. Um, question. What if I want to role play?

Cara: That’s fine. But I can only role play Stewie from the Family Guy.

Tod: [laughing] Stewie from Family Guy is my only option?

Cara: Yeah. It’s the only voice I can do but I’m really good at it. [in deep voice] “Hello Bryan. Look at all these imbeciles.” What do you think? You want some Stewie tonight?

Tod: Yeah, let’s play it by ear.

Cara: Yeah.

Melony: And Daniel, if you want to role play, I only do Patty Pendri Gast.

Daniel: Oh, um, I don’t know who that is.

Melony: Oh, she is an original character. She’s a clumsy maid and she has a catch phrase, [in British accent] “Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.”

Daniel: Wow, that’s really creative.

Cara: Tod, I need to separate business from personal. So tonight, I will be wearing these Lindsey Vonn oakley alpines. [puts on a skiing goggles]

Tod: Okay, you’re gonna wear those the entire time?

Cara: Yes, sir. The clothes come off, these come on.

Melony: And Daniel, I have a vitamin D depletion disorder. I’m require an extreme sort of a mountain milk on a daily basis. So while we’re being intimate, I will take several sudden milk breaks. I’m telling you this now so that you’re not scared because I will scream something like, “Get off me you douche, I need milk.” And I will sort of consume milk frantically.

Daniel: Thanks for the heads up.

Tod: Yeah. Um, do you ladies mind if we just talk for a second?

Melony: Not at all.

Tod: Excellent. Thank you.

[Daniel and Tod walk to the corner of the room.]

Daniel: Dude, I wish some of these stuffs had been in the website?

Tod: I mean for $5,000 each, I just kind of wish it said like, “Only role play as a Stewie and is kind of bad at the voice.”

Daniel: Right. Or, “Will stop sex to chug milk.” I mean, you’re still into this?

Melony: House keeping. [Cut to Melony] Patty Pendri Gast at your service. [Melony falls down]

[Cut to Daniel and Tod]

Daniel: Oh, man! That is so not a turn on.

[Cut to Melony]

Melony: Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.

[Cut to Cara. She is wearing oakley goggles and has Stewie costume ready.]

Cara: Bryan! Do you want Stewie to put this on now or later?

[Cut to Daniel and Tod]

Daniel: Well, we’ll make a good story.

Tod: Yeah. Alright. Let’s lose our virginities.

Daniel: Boom!

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open

Martha Raddatz… Cecily Strong

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Patrice Brock… Leslie Jones

Ken Karpawoods… Beck Bennett

James Carter… Michael Che

Ken Bone… Bobby Moynihan

Carl Becker… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper in their set]

Martha Raddatz: Hello and welcome to the second and worst ever presidential debate. I’m Martha Raddatz.

Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson Cooper. And before we begin, we just need to do one last thing.

[Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper takes a shot of tequila.]

Martha Raddatz: Ah, much better. Now let’s get this nightmare started. Please help us welcome the candidates. Republican nominee Donald Trump and can we say this yet?

Anderson Cooper: Probably fine.

Martha Raddatz: President Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to the stage. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to their chairs.]

[cheers and applause]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk to the middle and then start staring at each other and walking around.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, thank you both for being here.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’d like to begin tonight by attempting a casual lean. [Hillary Clinton leans on the chair that she’s supposed to sit on] Got it!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, tonight I’m going to do three things. I’m going to huff. I’m going to puff. And I’m going to blow this whole thing.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Now, tonight’s debate is a town hall which means we’ll be taking questions from voters in the audience. They are undecided, uncommitted and not remotely camera ready.

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. Your question comes from Patrice Brock.

[Cut to Patrice Brock in the audience]

Patrice: Hello. My question is do you feel that you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Patrice. Let me start by walking over to you just as I practiced. [walking near Patrice] Right, left, right, left. Speak. Now, Patrice, you’re a teacher?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You have kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You like kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You’ve seen kids?

Patrice: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: Okay, great. We’re bonding already. Oh, my friend Patrice. Patrice, I strive to be a positive role model for all children. Children like my daughter Chelsea and my granddaughter Chelsea Jr.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, same question. Do you feel like your’e modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Next.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: So, you don’t care about the kids?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, I love the kids. I love them so much I’d marry them. I’ve been helping kids my whole life and in 1992 I helped a kid named Kevin McCallister to find the hotel lobby. You might remember the documentary Home Alone II: Lost in New York.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, Mr. Trump, we received a lot of questions online about the audio tape that was released last week bragging about sexually assaulting women.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, what I said is nothing compared to what Bill Clinton has done, okay? He has abused women and Martha, Anderson, hold on to your nips and your nuts because four of those women are here tonight. Four of them.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait, I’m sorry, who’s here? [sobbing and mocking] Mistresses? Bill, how could you? I would like to water the debate, now I’ll never be able to remember my facts and figures now. Oh, Donald, no! Get real. I’m made of steal. This is nothing. Hi girls.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, she is trying to silence these women but they need to be respected. They need their voices heard.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: What about the all the women accusing you of sexual assault?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: They need to shut the hell up.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, let’s move on. Our next question is from Ken Karpawoods.

[Cut to Ken Karpawoods in the audience]

Ken: Thank you, I’ve got the boring one. The affordable care act is not affordable. What will you do to bring the cost down and make coverage better?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Ken, that’s a great question. I agree that Obamacare can be improved Ken, but it does have it’s benefits. [Donald Trump walks behind Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it.] Number one, insurance companies can’t deny your coverages because of preexisting condition. [Donald Trump slowly walks near Hillary Clinton as she speaks] Number two, no lifetime limits which, you know, is a big deal if you have serious health problem. And number three– [Donald Trump runs behind Hillary Clinton and gets back to his place. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know about it.] Sorry, I thought I– And number three, women can’t be charged– [Donald Trump pass walks behind Hillary Clinton again. Hillary Clinton is looking around having no idea what’s going on.] Thought I– Women can’t be charged more than men for health insurance. Okay? And number four–

[Donald Trump jumps in and shouts at the mic. Hillary Clinton gets scared.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, let’s take another question. This one comes from James Carter.

[Cut to James Carter in the audience.]

James: Good evening, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, no!

[Cut to James]

James: My question is do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That is a great question, Denzel. Thank you for this question about the inner cities.

[Cut to James]

James: My name is James and I didn’t ask anything about no inner cities.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: The inner cities are a mess, okay? Just last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked, there were violent, crazy people and lot of them had guns. And they were screaming horrible things like, “Trump for president.”

[Cut to James]

James: I think you were at one of your own rallies.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, this black man is attacking me. Also, speaking of black men, you know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton. She has committed so many crimes, she is basically a black.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton? Do you wish to respond to that?

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, cool. Because as my best friend Michelle Obama once said, when they go low, you go high. God, I love that quote. Almost as memorable as when I said, “Trumped up trickled down economy.” Just a couple of equally famous quotes from a couple of equally lovable women.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, and now since everyone has been so good, it’s time for a special treat.

Anderson Cooper: That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, [drums rolling] put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Ken Bone.

[Cut to Ken Bone]

[cheers and applause]

Ken Bone: You all ready for this?

[music starts playing and Ken Bone starts dancing.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Oh my god, he is so cute.

Anderson Cooper: I really needed that right now.

Martha Raddatz: No, wait. Ken, you’re not gonna turn out to be a weird little creep or anything are you?

[Cut to Ken Bone]

Ken Bone: Maybe.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: God! We can’t have anything nice.

Anderson Cooper: Oh well. Well, we have time for one final question and it comes from Carl Becker.

[Cut to Carl Becker in the audience]

Carl: Good evening. My question is for Hillary. Tonight Donald Trump said you should be in jail. He said you have hate in your heart and he followed you around the stage like a shark. So my question is, what do you like about him?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, this one’s actually easy. Donald Trump and I disagree on almost everything but I do like how generous he is. Just last Friday, he handed me this election.

[Hillary Clinton starts showing some dance moves]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, one thing you like about Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like that she’s a fighter and that she doesn’t give up. Which is why I need all my supporters to get out there and vote on election day, mark your calendars, write it down. Here is the day, it’s November 35th.

[Hillary Clinton jumps in.]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chonk

Aidy Bryant

Banessa Bayer

Malissa Villaseńor

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

[Starts with clips women dressed very nicely having fun]

Female voice: Beautiful, strong, gorgeous at any size. You’re a woman and you deserve clothes that fit and flatter. You are confident.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: So confident.

Female voice: Prove them wrong. You rock.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I rock it.

Female voice: You rule the world.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hell, yes I do.

Female voice: That’s why you shop at [growling] Chonk. [Aidy is confused] We know what women want. You wanna be glamorous. We know not every woman’s a runway model. hat’s why [growling] Chonk. [Vanessa and Melissa are confused] You’re a queen. You’re a goddess. You’re [growling] Chonk.

Aidy: I’m Chonk. Head to toe Chonk.

Female voice: No matter what size you are, you’ll still feel [growling] Chonk.

Vanessa: No.

Female voice: We’re the only store that accepts your unique body.

Sasheer: Unique?

[Cut to a little girl playing around]

Female voice: And try our twin girls department. Lil’–

[Aidy walks in and pulls away the girl]

Aidy: No. I don’t want this one. No.

Female voice: [growling] Chonk. Chonk. Chonk.

Leslie: You got one more Chonk, and that’s your ass.

Female voice: And for the guy in your life, visit our men’s store, ‘Normal clothes’.

[Cut to Bobby and Pete buying shirts]

Bobby: This shirt fit me.

Pate: Me too. I got everything I needed.

Bobby: Yeah. No problems here. Sweet.

Female voice: [singing] Every woman’s a [growling] Chonk!