Tag: Leslie Jones

Weekend Update Leslie Jones about Black History

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

 Colin Jost: The movie ‘Hidden Figures’ which tells the true story of black female engineers in 1960s NAS is being called this year’s breakout film. Here to talk about it is Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

 Leslie Jones: Woo! Thank you. Thank you, Colin.

 Colin Jost: It’s nice to see you, Leslie. So, you saw ‘Hidden Figures’?

 Leslie Jones: Yes, I did. And I have to admit that I almost didn’t watch it. I thought it was going to be ‘The Help’ in space.

 Colin Jost: Yeah. You konw, it’s not ‘The Help’ in space.

 Leslie Jones: I know it’s not, you creamy slice of provolone cheese.

 Colin Jost: Provolone cheese?

 Leslie Jones: [getting serious] I like cheese! [Colin Jost stays quiet] [Cut to Leslie Jones] But I am so glad I watched the movie. It taught me something I never knew. Black women helped astronauts go to space. Why didn’t they teach me that in school? Okay? If I had known that as a kid, who knows where I would be?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: So you think you might have gone to space?

 Leslie Jones: Hell no. It’s cold and scary up there. Space is where the predator comes from. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But here’s my issue. We cram all of the black history into just one month. All we have time for is George Washington Carver and all his peanut stuff. We should learn all black history, all through the year around and each it to everybody. Like, did y’all know a black man invented the traffic light? I just learned that. Maybe I would have respected the traffic light more if I knew those signals was coming from a brother, you know? If I knew the red light was saying ‘stop, sister’, or yellow light was saying, ‘slow down, baby’, or the green was like, ‘push through, boo.’ And get this, a black person invented the mailbox. Now, how did y’all miss that one, white people? Didn’t you see letters laying on the ground and just didn’t think, “There’s got to be a better way.” We more than this peanut stuff.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Now let me blow your mind. You ready for me to blow your mind?

 Colin Jost: Yeah. Sure. Yeah, go ahead.

 Leslie Jones: The lone ranger was black. The lone ranger, Colin! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Now, you know how I found out he was black, right? By watching my favorite show ‘Timeless’ on NBC, Monday nights at 10 PM.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: Yeah. NBC is not gonna pay you more to–

 Leslie Jones: Shut up.

 Colin Jost: Okay.

[audience laughing]

Just time wasn’t that accurate.

 Leslie Jones: Shut up.

 Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. That’s fine.

 Leslie Jones: Guess what else a black person invented? Caller ID and call waiting.

 Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

 Leslie Jones: Yes! It was invented by Dr. Shirley Jackson. Somebody should have called Shirley back coz that bitch invented a way to make you call her back. She wasn’t even in tech. she was just a chick who wanted Charles to pick up the phone.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Charles?

 Leslie Jones: Charles knows who he is. [Michael Che and Colin Jost laughing] [Cut to Leslie Jones] Look, you never know what’s going to spark something in a person. The first time I heard Richard Pryor’s voice, I knew I would be a comedian. That’s why you gotta tell everybody’s story. And listen, Hollywood, if you write the Leslie Jones story, don’t lone ranger me and cast me as some pretty little white girl. Cast me the way I see myself, Pam Greer about 15 years ago or Malia Obama 10 years from now. That’s what I want.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

 Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So that was about ‘Hidden Figures’, right?

[Colin Jost and Leslie Jones laughing out loud]

Shondra and Malik

Vanessa Bayer

Shondra… Leslie Jones

Malik… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of New York streets]

[hip hop music playing]

[Shondra & Malik video bumper]

Vanessa: I’m just saying be careful out here. You don’t need that stress.

Shondra: Man, ain’t nobody worried about Malik. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. [a car is coming over] Here comes this fool now.

Vanessa: We’ll take it down the block. I don’t want to be involved.

[Vanessa walks away]

[The car pulls over and Malik comes out.]

Malik: Shondra! What I’d told you about being on my block?

Shondra: Man, this ain’t your block. And you ain’t the only one allowed to make money out here, Malik. You think you can just roll up on me by yourself?

Malik: Yo, I ain’t never along. [showing his handgun]

Shondra: [laughing] You ain’t saying nothing. What’s good then? [Showing her handgun]

Malik: Oh, so that’s how you want it?

Shondra: It’s whatever, fool.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, cops.

[police car drives by]

Malik: Ya, aite! You lucky it’s hot out here.

Shondra: No, you lucky.

Malik: We’re gonna see about that. Don’t let me catch you on this block again, Shondra. It’s going down.

Shondra: Whatever.

Malik: It’s going to be a problem.

[Malik gets in the car but the engine doesn’t start.]

Shondra: Ay! Ay, you’re flooding it, man.

Malik: I’m not.

Vanessa: Sounds flooded, babe.

Malik: Come on, up!

[the engine starts]

Yeah! There it go. There it go. You know what? [Malik gets out of the car again] Like I said, don’t let me catch you on this block again, alright? Don’t let me catch you slipping.

Shondra: You ain’t going to never catch me slipping, homey.

[Malik gets in the car]

Malik: That’s all I gots to say. I’m out.

[the engine breaks]

[Cut to Shondra looking at the engine bonnet for Malik]

Malik: So what you think it is? The starter or the alternator?

Shondra: I don’t know, man. But this belt is pretty worn out. You need to get it changed.

Malik: Well, can’t you just get it going for now?

Shondra: That’s what I’m trying to do. Go get in the car and try to see if it will start.

Malik: Alright.

[Malik gets in the car. The engine starts.]

Yeah. Yeah.

Shondra: Alright. Yeah, man!

Malik: I appreciate that. I appreciate that. But this don’t change nothing. [a lot of smoke is coming out of Malik’s car] If I see you out here again, it’s gonna be a problem.

Shondra: [looking at the car] Dude, it’s smoking.

Malik: That’s me? I’m doing that?

Shondra: Yeah. That’s you.

Malik: Wait a minute. Okay now, this is P, this is reverse–

Shondra: What are you doing? Put it in drive, dude!

Malik: I am putting it in drive. Wait, that’s D, right?

Shondra: Man, you is stupid. Whose car is this?

[Malik turns the car off]

Malik: What? Man, you stupid. Especially if I catch you on my block again, you know what I”m saying?

Shondra: Man, you know what homey? You’re going to have to do what you gonna do, because– Ah! Ah! [putting her hand on her chest]

Malik: What’s wrong? What’s the matter?

Shondra: It’s my chest, man.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, that’s probably your heart. You’ve got to stop it with that stress.

Shondra: I think I need to go to the hospital. Somebody call me an ambulance, man.

Malik: I can run you over there.

Shondra: What? No! Not in this raggedy car, you can’t even get it started.

Malik: Man, ambulance is gonna take too long. Come on, I’ll take you over there now. [to Vanessa] Yeah, help me get her in the car.

Vanessa: Alright.

Malik: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody in the car]

Malik: Come on! [the engine doesn’t start]

Shondra: I told you we should have called an ambulance.

[the engine starts]

Malik: Ah! Yeah! So you ain’t think it was going to start. Just hang on.

Shondra: You know what, Malik? Thanks man. If I don’t make it–

Malik: Come on, man. Don’t talk crazy, man, I got you, your’e going to be alright.

Vanessa: Does anyone smell gas?

[The car bursts into fire.]

Felicity Jones Monologue

Felicity Jones

Jyn Erso … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Jones.

[Felicity Jones walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Felicity Jones: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be here hosting the first show of 2017. I’ve been in several films this year. But I’m here tonight because of an Indie Movie I’m in called ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.’ I play Jyn Erso. It’s very cool to be the lead in the film especially as a woman. I didn’t get to use a light saber in the movie, but I did get to transfer a very large data file. So, all very exciting. Watch out for my action figure which comes complete with dropbox account. ‘Rogue One’ is the first spinoff movie in the ‘Star Wars’ universe. There’s an upcoming movie about ‘Young Han Solo’, and also the first NC-17 Star Wars movie, ‘The Force Arouses’.

This is all very exciting, but I’ll have to admit that I’m–

[Jyn Erso walks in]

Jyn Erso: Jyn!

Felicity Jones: –nervous about the show. Hi.

Jyn Erso: Is that you? Jyn Erso.

Felicity Jones: Saw Garrera?

Jyn Erso: It is you, Jyn! I have some urgent news. [takes a breath through a mask]

Felicity Jones: What are you breathing from that mask?

Jyn Erso: Wouldn’t you like to know? Felicity, I heard you needed help with your SNL hosting mission. I have a message from an old friend.

[Jyn Erso puts something on the ground and leaves. A hologram of Tina Fey appears in front of Felicity Jones.]

Tina Fey: Felicity! Felicity!

Felicity Jones: Oh my god! Oh my god! Tina Fey! You’re in a head scarf. Are you a Star Wars princess?

Tina Fey: No, I just– I bought this Eileen Fisher. They have amazing deals after the holidays.

Felicity Jones: Why are you a hologram? Are you like Tupac?

Tina Fey: In so many ways. Yes. Except that Dr. Dre that I’m friend’s with is my podiatrist. Felicity, I hear you’re hosting SNL.

Felicity Jones: Yes. Yes. I’m a bit nervous to be honest.

Tina Fey: No, don’t be. If Steven Seagal can do it, so can you. All you need to do is go out there and do your best. Don’t worry about what the reviews say.

Felicity Jones: Does this show get reviewed?

Tina Fey: Yes. Way too much. Also, no matter how it goes, the president of the United States will say it’s sad and overrated.

Felicity Jones: The president?

Tina Fey: [laughing] Yeah! The president. It’s fine, no one cares. But Felicity, listen to me. Tonight there will be lots of sketches and you’re not always going to be the funny one. Here’s a rule. If your first line in a sketch is, “Hey guys, I hope you don’t mind that I brought my friend Ray Ray,” then you’re not the funny one.

Felicity Jones: Yeah. I suspected that was the case.

Tina Fey: Also, if Leslie Jones suddenly appears at the end of a sketch acting vaguely horny and angry at everyone, it means the writers couldn’t think of an ending.

Felicity Jones: Sure. I’ve only met Leslie once and she called me Downtown Abby.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s a term of endearment. She calls anyone that who is white and British. And remember, if all else fails, you should know that back in season 35, I put a fatal flaw in the system. If you take out Kenan Thompson, the studio will explode.

Felicity Jones: Is that why he’s been on the show so long?

[Kenan Thompson walks in, still wearing Jyn Erso costume]

Kenan: Well, that and he has a family.

[Kenan Thompson walks out]

Felicity Jones: I see. Thanks, Tina, your advice has been so helpful. Is there anything that I can do for you?

Tina Fey: Yes. You must get this message to J.J. Abrams. Tell him I am technically available to act in films.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: [loud voice] Felicity! Ha-ha! Whoo, girl! Why you talking to that white lady from Whiskey Tango? It is making me angry and horny.

Tina Fey: See? There it is. Now go out there and make it happen.

Felicity Jones: I’ll try my best. [the hologram disappears] We have got a great show tonight.  Sturgill Simpson is here.  Stick around and we will be right back.

Jingle Barack (Chance the Rapper)

Kenan Thompson

Chance the Rapper

Leslie Jones

[Starts with 1 and 2 walking in with big jewelry chains on. It looks like an old-school hiphop music video.]

[music playing]

Speaker 1: Yo! It’s been a dope eight years but now we got one last Christmas with Barack Obama. So if we going out, we going out with a bang!

Speaker 2: Let’s get Holly and Jolly, y’all! shall we?

Speaker 1: [rapping] It’s December 24th in the USA
and the party’s going down in a major way
the DJ is bopping

Speaker 2: Crazy snow outside!

Speaker 1: There’s eggnog

Speaker 2: And chicken

Speaker 1: And turkey

1 and 2: And fries.

Speaker 1: We still got Barack

Speaker 2: So you now what that means

Speaker 1: We shooting some hoops

1 and 2: In high waist jeans.

Speaker 1: So test this season

1 and 2: Let’s spread some cheer

Speaker 1: It’s the last Christmas

1 and 2: With Barack still here.

Speaker 1: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here

Speaker 1: Hey kids, enjoy the presents while you can
coz next year you might get a bomb from Iran
man, we got birth control under the tree
and we stuffing every stocking with legal weed

Hey, Brad

Speaker 2: Hey, Mike

1 and 2: Get married tonight

Speaker 1: And real quick, let all the immigrants inside
So go nuts–

Speaker 2: Before the north poles disappear

Speaker 1: Coz it’s the last Christmas

1 and 2: Before Trump next year.

Speaker 1: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here
La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-before Trump next year.

Speaker 1: Oh, snap! Even Jesus is getting down.

Speaker 2: Dang, Jesus. I didn’t know you were a democrat.

This year I bought four Christmas trees
stock piled all the Home Alone DVDs
I got batteries, can food, everything I need
there probably never be another Christmas eve
been drinking eggnog like I don’t care
I’ma hurt myself before we lose Obamacare
Say goodbye to Barack, say goodbye December
for our new holiday called ‘Regular Winter’

even Kanye is endorsing him
got Obama back smoking Newports again
left the cookies and will and testament
for the first, maybe last black president there
I’m decked out in Santa gear from heard to toe
Then I noticed Papa wasn’t in his festive clothes
I said, “Dad, what’s wrong?” and he said back
“Never trust a white dude wearing no read hat.”

1 and 2: La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barack still here
La-la-la-la-last Christmas
Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-before Trump next year.

[3 makes an appearance]

Speaker 3: Here I go, here I go, here I go
again girls, what’s my weakness? Joe Biden
he makes me feel funny in the Christmas brief
with his aviator shades and his big ass teeth
wanna take a freaky ride with air-trek Joe
we could share ice cream under mistle toe
so Joe, let’s snuggle up for a four year nap
And I’ll take what I want while I sit on your lap

1 and 2: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack
I do the jingle Barack
last Christmas with Obama
so hug your baby mama
I do the jingle Barack

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack
I do the jingle Barack
last Christmas with Obama
so hug your baby mama
might be the very last Christmas

[Cut to video clip of Barack Obama’s mic drop]

John Cena Monologue

John Cena

Santa… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena.

[John Cena walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Cena: Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name if John Cena and to those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler. [crowd laughs late] Yeah, well, late bloomers but that’s okay. Normally on TV, you see me in the ring throwing down all the other WWE superstars, and I love it. But it’s exciting to get away for a week and do something a little different. And now, I’m gonna need someone to help me sing. Get out here, New York Santa!

[Bobby Moynihan in Santa outfit walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Ho, ho, ho. I’m locking it.

John Cena: The normal Santa travels by a sleigh. [Bobby Moynihan starts opening his Santa costume] But the New York–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] No! Cena! You think you can do comedy and wrestling? Well, two can play that game. Get ready to feel the pain of… The Waddler.

[Cut to intro video of The Waddler as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to the SNL stage. John Cena is on stage but Bobby Moynihan is standing very far.]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

John Cena: How did you get over there?

Bobby Moynihan: I waddled! [running towards the stage] Oh! I’m coming for you, Cena.

John Cena: Okay, well you do.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, I just move real weird. [moving around John Cena’s behind] What are you gonna do when The Waddler’s coming for you, Cena? Hun?

John Cena: [laughing] I mean, that’s actually really cool. Did you make that outfit?

Bobby Moynihan: I did.

John Cena: That’s– I actually think you could be a great WWE superstar.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, wow. Um, thank you, John. You did not have to say that.

John Cena: Bring it in here, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay.

[John Cena and Bobby Moynihan hug each other. John Cena mistakenly breaks Bobby Moynihan’s bones while hugging.]

Ah! Okay! That’s a rib. That’s a full rack of ribs right there.

[Bobby Moynihan walks away limping]

John Cena: Okay. [music playing] The real New York Christmas.

[Cut to Leslie Jones a the back of the audience.]

Leslie Jones: [yelling] John Cena! You coming here to tell jokes on my turf? I’m bout to whoop your ass!

John Cena: Wait, what’s your wrestling character supposed to be?

Leslie Jones: Wrestling character? I’m Leslie Jones, bitch!

[Cut to intro video of Leslie Jones as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to SNL stage. Leslie Jones walks to John Cena]

Leslie Jones: That’s right and I’m bout to get in your– Ooh! [checking out John Cena’s body] Damn! Ooh! You is very fine. I did not know. Ooh, I can put my whole tongue in your chin nipple deep. [takes her card out of back pocket and gives it to John Cena] Just meet me at the hotel room, John.

[Leslie Jones walks away]

John Cena: Okay guys. This isn’t a challenge. [Kenan Thompson is sneaking behind John Cena with a steel chair] We’re in it together. I actually worked really hard on this song. Seriously. I spent all week writing with a couple of nerds, so please–

[Kenan hits John Cena with the chair. The chair breaks but John Cena doesn’t move at all.]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Got you, Cena!

John Cena: Alright! Alright. [John Cena opens his coat. He is wearing sleeveless shirt.] I’ve been trying to be nice to you guys all you wanna do is challenge me. So, if you really want some, come get some.

[Cut to John Cena’s intro video as a wrestler.]

[Cut to the SNL stage]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! I made a grand error in judgement.

John Cena: You can’t see me.

Kenan Thompson: [scared] Oh, I’m done with the flower.

[Kenan Thompson runs away]

John Cena: We have a great show for you tonight. Maren Morris is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Joanne & The Tree

Mr. Jenkins… John Cena

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]

Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.

Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.

[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]

Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.

Cara: Go, Joanne

All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!

Cara: Little higher Joanne.

[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]

Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?

[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]

Cara: Oh my god!

Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.

Cara: Christmas is ruined.

Leslie: Look, there she is.

[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]

Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.

Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.

Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.

Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.

Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.

Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.

Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.

Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.

Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.

Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.

Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.

Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.

Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.

Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.

[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]

Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!

Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.

Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.

Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.

Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.

Joanne: Oh, that will do it.

[Joanne slips her hand and falls]

Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.

Beck: Poor tree as well.

Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.

Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.

[Cut to Joanne falling down]

Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!

Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.

Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?

[Santa just takes the tree away]

Santa, no!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that women in long term relationships are more likely to experience a decrease in sexual satisfaction. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Leslie. So, why do you think women in relationships have troubles sexually?

Leslie Jones: Well, it’s because men don’t correctly learn how to satisfy a woman, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Like, a couple of weeks ago, I was at the New York city FC soccer game. And I was sitting in my section with a whole bunch New York Knick players. They were all 6’9″, big old hands, big old feet, big old necks, big old chests, long ass fingers, long as…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, we know. We know where it’s going. Yes, we got it.

Leslie Jones: Of course you do, you little salty oyster cracker.

Colin Jost: You just called me a cracker.

Leslie Jones: You the head of the cracker. And I saw all these young dudes, you know, who looked like they were born after Martin was canceled. You know what I’m saying? And I thought to myself, “What a waste of good equipment.” They don’t know what to do with it, but I do. I got 30 years in the game, homie. So, I realized I can help them. I can coach them. You know? I can be like a hung like a horse whisperer! And I whisper to all shapes and sizes. I even whispered to a few ponies. It don’t matter what size it is. Don’t lie to us about what you packing. Coz we’re gonna see it eventually. And it will disappoint us. Do not promise me a rack of ribs and then show up with a little penis. And you don’t have to lie anyway coz most men are fine. My entire life, I’ve only seen like two or three, you might call like, you know, travel size. But even if that’s all you got, own it! Even a thumb drive can hold a lot of data. Step it up in other ways. The thing men today– [Colin laughing]

Colin Jost: Step it up with your hands!

Leslie Jones: The thing men today are lacking is confidence. You gotta have confidence. Confidence is sexy. Back in the days, we had confident strong men, like the Marlboro man and the browny Paper Towel dude, or Mr. Clean. You know those was real men.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, they are literally not real men.

Leslie Jones: Shut up! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz the only thing we got now is that cheap ass Trivago dude. Always trying to get me to go to some discount motel rooms. Or that creepy ass Captain Obvious. The only thing obvious about him is that he got a couple of bodies in his trunk. That ain’t sexy and it definitely ain’t confident. You gotta have confidence about yourself. And whatever equipment you got, you gotta believe in it. You gotta see your equipment through our eyes. So for all the dudes who are watching right now, go get a mirror. I’ll wait. Now, pull your pants down. Raise your shirt up, don’t pull your shirt all the way up, just raise it up. Put your shirt under your chin like this, and put the mirror in front of your junk like this. And to quote Maya Angelou, [everyone laughing] “No matter the size in between your thighs, you can still rise.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Film Screening

Cecilia Prince… Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Aniston

Cecilia Prince: Hello everyone and welcome to tonight’s Hailey Center event, “Big parts, small actresses.” The state of gender equality and film. To my left, star of Ghost Busters, Leslie Jones.

Leslie Jones: Girl, I told you I wanted my credit to be the Olympics.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Going down the line, star of ‘La-la Land’, Emma Stone.

Emma Stone: Hi everyone. I’m stone.

Cecilia Prince: Next, we are so fortunate to be joined by a Hollywood legend, the star of over 300 feature films, and the first woman to ever dive into a swimming pool screen. The great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s honor to be where am I?

Cecilia Prince: And we are so pleased to have with us today, the star of the upcoming film “Office Christmas Party,” Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston: It’s great to be here, and Debette, I have been dying to meet you.

Debette Goldry: And I have been slowly dying. In memoriam Oscars 2017, oh boy!

Cecilia Prince: Okay, now let me start with a question for all of you. What do you think is still holding women back?

Emma Stone: I think there are all these tiny little things. Like, you’ve got to change your hair to fit your type.

Jennifer Aniston: Yeah. And you have to act a certain way so that you don’t get labelled as a difficult.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. You gotta eat arsenic to make your skin pale.

Emma Stone: What?

Debette Goldry: I mean, Samuel Goldwyn had a rule that all of his starlets had to take arsenic tablets to make their skin glow. And then they discovered that it made us, um, I’m sorry, what is the word, psychotic. So, to calm us down, they’d send in the monkey with a tray of Opium, you know how it goes.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, I can’t– I san’t say that I actually know what you’re talking about. I mean, I know we had a monkey on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and he was quite a handful.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, handful of opium, and now that is a friend.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay. Now, do all of you find that equal pay is still a battle that needs fighting?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. Even in standup, people don’t want to talk about it but then you find out how much more men is getting paid, it’s crazy.

Debette Goldry: Well, of course we’re paid less than men. They’re men. They’re doing all the work. We’re just lying on a train track waiting to get run over.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god! So you literally were treated like an object?

Debette Goldry: Well, I mean, it made sense. Back in those days, actresses were actually part of the props budget. When I was in filming, I had to sit on a little table next to a piece of masking tape that said “Woman.” And then one of the union guys would pick me up, bring me over, show me the Alfred Hitchcock and say, “Sorry, this is all they have.”

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, my god!

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Let’s pivot. What needs to change for women, not just in Hollywood but in the world at large?

Emma Stone: I think we’re in a unique position to draw attention to worthy causes. Whether it’s raising awareness or meeting with policymakers.

Debette Goldry: You know, the studio once sent me to the white house to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ for FDR. He asked me to tickle his pickle.

Jennifer Aniston: Um, what did you do?

Debette Goldry: Well, I tickled his pickle. He kept all the fake pickle in his wheelchair as a joke. Then I blew him.

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] That’s the end of that. Um, let’s talk about women behind the camera.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, well, I’ve been in the director’s chair–

Debette Goldry: A woman director, wow! How could that possibly work? Oh, I see, your husband comes to set dressed up like a plant? Whispers the ideas. got it.

Jennifer Aniston: What? No. I direct the movie.

Debette Goldry: Okay, Jentlefer Panty-ston. Cuckoo. No more arsenic for her, please.

Emma Stone: I think just overall, the whole vibe is so much better when there are women in the room. Whether it’s on set or in the audition.

Debette Goldry: Oh, tell me about it. They used to make me do a whole screen test just for my toot.

Emma Stone: What part of your body is your toot?

Debette Goldry: I’ll give you two guesses and they’re both right.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god! Good lord! You see, women’s bodies are constantly under the microscope.

Emma Stone: There’s a whole industry built around shaming actresses for how they look.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, yeah. You know, back when I started, we didn’t have fancy stuff like botox. So, what they’d do is they’d make a little incision on your forehead, pour in pancake batter. On a hot day we’d start to smell like a breakfast. That’s why they call it “Breakfast head at Tiffany’s.”

Emma Stone: Um, it’s called “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Debette Goldry: Whatever you say, little miss I pick my own boyfriends

Cecilia Prince: [smiling] Okay, that’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Oh, boy, I know what that means. I got my ticklers. Where’s those pickles?

Cleaning Crew

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Emma Stone

Leslie Jones

Karla… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with five colleagues in their office]

Beck: Well gang, thanks for working so late on the night before our big Christmas break. And you are all anxious to get back to your families, so I’ll see you in two weeks. Alirght?

[As everyone is getting ready to leave, three ladies walk in. Pete whispers on Beck’s ears.]

Oh, wait. What’s that? Okay. Um, sit down for a sec, everybody. Um, evidently our wonderful cleaning crew here has put together a Christmas show.

Pete: Really? And they wanna do it now?

Alex: I was hoping to catch the 9 o’clock train.

Cecily: [Russian accent] Oh, I’m so sorry. We can just clean your mess and say or do nothing?

Vanessa: Of course, we will stay and watch your show. You do so much for us.

Emma: Thank you, Ms. Christine.

Vanessa: Thank you Ms. Thang, about to perform with your other two Ms. Thangs.

Sasheer: You don’t know their names, do you?

Cecily: It’s a tradition in our country to share songs.

Emma: So, we write one just for you.

Leslie: With you in mind.

Beck: Sounds great!

Cecily: Okay, we are ready. [Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie] [music playing. They open their outer outfit. Inside, they’re wearing tight dress.]

[singing] hey there, Santa, you’ve been a bad boy

All: Like you do, like you do, like you always damn do

Emma: You came down the chimney and pushed me on the floor

All: What he do? What he do? What does Santa do to you?
Santa said be quiet as a mouse
don’t tell anybody or I’ll burn down your house
bad boy Santa, bad boy Santa
Santa’s a bad, bad boy.

[The staff are clapping]

Beck: Um, that was, um, something. So, thank you. Yeah.

Cecily: It was okay, or bad and you hate it?

Emma: Your face looks confused. You know who is Santa, right?

Leslie: He stand in your house and he goes “Ho, ho, ho!”

Beck: Yes, he does! He sure does. Very cute, ladies.

Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your beautiful cultures with you. I could listen to that for hours.

Pete: Really, Christine?

Emma: Oh, good, good. We have more.

Beck: Okay, well just one more. Deal?

Leslie: It’s a deal.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Emma: Wake up Santa, get out of my bed
it’s time to deliver those presents

Cecily: I know you want to go again
but it’s time to deliver those presents

Leslie: Santa, no, what did I say?
put on your pants and get back in your sleigh

All: Santa, Santa, Santa
just make it fast

Beck: Um, okay. That was number two.

Leslie: You don’t like?

Beck: Well, here in America, we don’t really think of Santa that way.

Cecily: Like in fun sexy way?

Emma: Like a big Frisker?

Cecily: Yeah, like a goofy elf and he’s horny all the time.

Alex: Kids, that’s not true about Santa.

[There are three kids looking at Alex]

Vanessa: Oh, god damn! I forgot your kids are here.

Alex: Yeah, I have them this weekend. I get on a year. Supervised. Hi, Karla.

Karla: [standing with the kids] This isn’t great, Dan!

Beck: Okay. I think we’ve all had enough. So let’s do just one more to make sure.

Pete: But they didn’t ask to do one more.

Cecily: We had one though.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Cecily: The elves are lined up outside my door
each one more worked up than the one before

Emma: Santa told the elves they could have a turn

Bad boy Santa, you never learn

Leslie: Give me a break, put the camera away

All: Plus I think, you’re too drunk anyway
Santa, Santa, Santa, what did I tell you
about my chimney
it only goes one way!

Beck: Well, I don’t see how you could top that. But let’s do two or three more just to make sure.

Emma: Okay. But this next one is a little bit dirty…

[The End]

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]