Tag: Leslie Jones

The Lawyer

Vanessa Bayer

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.

Bailiff… Leslie Jones

Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson

Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat

Jury… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]

Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.

Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.

[Mr. Douglas stands]

Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.

Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]

Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?

Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.

Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.

Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?

Judge: Of course. Bailiff.

[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]

Bailiff:

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.

[Mr. Douglas walks forward]

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?

Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.

Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.

Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?

[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]

Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?

Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?

Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.

Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.

Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]

Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.

Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!

Mr. Douglas: No further questions.

Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.

Judge: Appalled or jealous?

Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.

Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.

Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–

Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!

Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.

Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.

[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]

Oh, both of you.

Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–

[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]

Female voice: Maybelline, New York.

Soda Shop

Connie… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Louise… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sam… Louis C.K.

Johnny… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with girls walking into a soda shop]

Connie: Gee, gang, that math test was the bees knees.

Vanessa: Honey, you’re such a nerd. Isn’t Connie a nerd, Louise? Louise?

Louise: Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was moping.

Aidy: Louise, are you still upset about not getting asked to dance.

Vanessa: We know what will make you feel better.

Aidy: Hey, Sam, how about a root beer float? We got someone down in the dumps.

Sam: Sure thing, girls. But speaking of ice cream, what’s the scoop? Who is the pouty penny?

Louise: It’s me. I’m the only girl who didn’t get asked to the spring fling bepop and sock hop.

Sam: Well, sounds to me like those boys are making a whooper of a mistake. I’m gonna give you an extra scoop of vanilla on the house.

Louise: Aw, thanks Sam. I wish all the boys to be more like you.

Girls: Sam’s the best.

Sam: Well, heck, if I were 20 years younger, I would ask you myself. I mean it. And geez, I’d even ask you right now, the age I am right now.

Louise: Ha-ha, Sam. Very funny.

Connie: Sam tells the best jokes.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha. So, what do you say?

Louise: To what, Sam?

Sam: The dance. Are we doing it or what?

Louise: The spring fling, Sam?

Aidy: Ha-ha. That’s for teenagers, Sam.

Sam: Well, then wouldn’t it wow the crowd to show up with an older man on your arm?

Vanessa: I would go with Sam if he asked me.

Sam: Well, I didn’t ask you, stupid. I asked Louise.

Louise: Sam, you’re being awfully nice, but I wanted to go to the dance in a normal way, like with a boy my age instead of an older married man.

Sam: [laughing] Married? Please. The next time I kiss my wife will be at her funeral.

Louise: Neato, Sam.

Sam: Hey, you know what would be fun if we did a test run?

Louise: Of what?

Sam: Our date.

Louise: We’re still talking about that?

Sam: Well, sure. Let’s pretend that this booth over here is a car. [Sam pulls Louise and puts her in a booth with him.] Just for pretend.

Louise: You sure are cookie, Sam.

Vanessa: Hey, this is fun. Can we be a part of the scene?

Sam: No, so shut up.

[Sam is pretending like he’s driving]

Louise: Sam, this is nice and all. But…

Sam: Wait. Get down, Louise. [pretending like he’s shooting people outside the car] Bang, bang. Did you see that?

Louise: What?

Sam: I killed two people.

Louise: Why? Why did you do that?

Sam: Well, I didn’t like they way they were talking about you. They were saying stuff like, “Louise thinks she is better than all of us now that she has fallen in love with a married man and I hear they are running way to get married some place where the rules are different.”

Louise: Okay. Thank you, Sam, but I would like to get out of the car now.

Sam: You can’t. We are in a tunnel.

Aidy: Where is there a tunnel on the way to school?

Connie: I don’t think he’s taking her to school.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Louise, I have been looking all over for you.

Louise: For me? Why, Johnny?

Johnny: Well, coz I’ve been trying to do this. Louie Marie Conolioly, will you be my date for the spring fling?

Louise: Oh, Johnny, of course I will

[Sam stands]

Sam: So, um, what does that mean for me?

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Connie? I made dinner and you are here at the pervert’s soda shop?

Vanessa: Um, Louie made us come. She always makes us come here because she knows Sam is going to make inappropriate sexual advances towards her.

Louise: It’s a game I like. I like knowing that I could get Sam in big trouble for the things he says, but he does it anyway. Makes me feel powerful. I know it sounds silly, but I do want to be a dominatrix when I grow up so it’s not as hair brained as it sounds. Anyway, [holds Johnny’s hands] see you, Sam.

[Everyone walks out]

Sam: OH, well, I guess it’s just you dancing alone again tonight, Sam.

[Sam hits the glass in Jukebox and cuts his hand]

Oh, I cut the heck out of my hand.

Shanice Goodwin Ninja-Rivals

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Dominica… Scarlett Johansson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a picture of a little girl]

Shanice narrating: First they said, “You’re too small.” [Picture changes to grown up Shanice Goodwin] Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You will namer make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice dressed as ninja playing with her sword, ‘Shanice Goodwin Ninja’ intro]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

Shanice: I’m also a cashier at KOHL’s.

[Cut to Vanessa and Shanice in the ninja training center. Shanice is wearing black ninja costume.]

Vanessa: Shanice, sensei has been kidnapped. This is your most dangerous mission yet. I brought in someone I think will remember.

[Dominica walks in wearing white ninja costume]

Dominica: Shanice, well, well, we meet again.

Shanice: Dominica. I thought I had banished you from Charlotte and the greater area of Charlotte.

Dominica: You did. But he was my sensei too. He hand-picked me from the orphanage when I was five years old.

Shanice: And I’ve been a ninja since I was 45. Alright then, let’s put aside our differences and do this.

Vanessa: Great! Their hideout is rumored to be a theater prop storage facility on the west wide of town. Good luck, you two.

[Shanice and Dominica leave]

[Cut to British mob hideout. There are the mobs who have tied Sensei.]

Beck: So? Your people will send the money?

Sensei: I told you, I do not yield to threats. I know some very dangerous people. Let me go now and no harm will come to you.

Beck: No harm will come to us? He said to us! [laughing]

[Shanice and Dominica are inside the hideout]

Dominica: Shh, follow me. We are shadows.

[Shanice nods her head and follows Dominica]

Sensei: Oh, yes. I sense a presence.

Beck: You’re bluffing. There’s no one here. Look!

[Shanice and Dominica are hiding behind them. Shanice is even eating some chips.

How can anyone be in this room? No one can get in.

Kenan: Oh, yes. At least ten armed guards are stationed at every entrance.

[Dominica throws a shuriken on Kenan’s eye]

[screaming] Ah!

Mikey: No! What happened?

[Shanice slowly goes to Mikey and cuts off his hand]

Shanice: Damn, that’s nasty.

Beck: Someone is here.

Sensei: I tried to warn you. But now it’s too late. My student Dominica is a professional assassin. To her, killing is like breathing. And my student Shanice has trained at my YMCA every other week for last three years.

Beck: Find them. Now.

Kyle and Mikey: Yes, sir!

[Kyle and Mikey are looking around. Shanice and Dominica and just behind them.]

Mikey: There’s no one here, sir.

[Dominica pulls Mikey and rips his heart out]

Kyle: Who did that? Show yourself!

[Shanice comes behind Kyle and breaks his neck]

Beck: Is this how you fight? Huh? You hide? Like cowards? Let me see your eyes.

[Dominica comes behind Beck]

Dominica: With pleasure. My eyes will be the last thin you see.

Shanice: And my ears will be the last thing you– you hear.. Damn!

Dominica: You don’t need to talk every time.

Beck: Guards! Attack!

[Beck runs]

Shanice: Quick, the chair.

[The guards come in running. Dominica sits on a chair and Shanice pushes the chair. Dominica hits everyone who comes in front of her.]

[Beck runs in with a knife to fight Dominica]

Dominica: A man should use his fists so that he dies with respect.

[gun shot. Beck is shot.]

Shanice: Oh, my bad. was we supposed to only do ninja stuff? Oh, okay. That’s on me.

[Dominica opens ropes tying Sensei]

Dominica: Are you alright, Sensei?

Sensei: Thank you both. You are my top students.

Shanice: Yeah, but I’m the best, right?

Dominica: No, we all know who si the best.

Sensei: I guess there is only one way to settle this.

Shanice: Ha-ha-ha. You think so? Put em’ up.

Dominica: Alright, you like a challenge. Yes?

Shanice: Hah! Dominica, you was always that bitch. Let’s go.

[as Shanice and Dominica fight, the video pauses and ends.]

Olive Garden

Director… Beck Bennett

Scarlett Johansson

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Director briefing the ad shooting to the actors.]

Director: Okay, my lovely featured background. We are about ready to go for a take. And all you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. So, you know the deal. Fun, casual. We really want to give viewers the vibe that you’re excited to be here.

Scarlett: I actually love Olive Garden so I won’t even have to act at all.

Director: Hah! That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so I’ll call our direction from the monitor and let’s see if we can capture some magic. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing.]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, that looks great. We’re chatting. We’re charring. Hey, sweater guy, check out the restaurant.

[Kenan starts looking around and act like he’s noticing everything and he likes it.]

This place is nice. Even more impressed.

[Kenan starts to act a bit more impressed]

Am I in a palace?

[Kenan starts acting shocked]

Yes. Okay. Now, blonde hair. Why don’t you find something you want on the menu?

[Scarlett starts looking at the menu]

And you nod and smile.

[Scarlett is nodding and smiling]

Alright, bigger nod.

[Scarlett starts nodding more]

This all looks yummy. Really go for it, blonde hair.

[Scarlett starts to smile and nod her head very wildly]

Big old smile. Amazing, love that. Now, blue shirt. Someone just said something funny. Big laugh.

[Mikey starts laughing]

And even funnier.

[Mikey starts blinking his eyes more]

You’re about to pee yourself.

[Mikey starts to shake his head and blink his eyes whilst looking downwards]

I’m peeing. I’m peeing. Fantastic! Great! Great! Great! Okay, now, yellow top. You’re looking at the menu and you really want that Chicken Ciao Bella.

[Leslie looks at menu is awed]

Oh, you want it really bad.

[Leslie starts shaking the menu]

You’re looking at that pasta going, “Oh, Lordy, I must be in heaven.”

[Leslie is confused and looks at Director]

Okay, let’s call that cut.

[Director walks in] Wow, fantastic work, guys. I think we got it.

Scarlett: Are you sure those reactions weren’t too big?

Mikey: Yeah, I felt like I looked a little stupid maybe.

Leslie: And I didn’t like that voice you did.

Director: I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about, but as far as reactions go, you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. People act like they have never seen a restaurant or eaten food before. And then the yoyos at home think Olive Garden is a magical place. It’s advertising. Trust me, you’re killing it. Okay? Now, we just need to get some alts for different markets this ad will air in. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, let’s start by laughing, we’re laughing. We’re having fun. Good! Now, for the small towns, blue shirt, give blonde hair a little kiss on the cheek.

[Mikey kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

Great, great, great. And for the urban market, can I get a sweater guy giving yellow top a smooch?

[Kenan hugs Leslie]

And for one neighborhood in Atlanta, let me see yellow top plant one on blond hair.

[Scarlett and Leslie are confused]

[Leslie kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

And lips, please.

[Scarlett and Leslie are uncomfortable. But they take a peck on each other’s lips.]

[shouting] “Oh, child! what has gotten into me?” Great! Okay, now I just want to get some options. Stuff they might want. So, let’s get some pasta, please. Thank you very much.

[The waiters bring in the pasta]

Alright, here comes the pasta. Pasta, pasta, pasta. So, sweater guy, you ordered that shrimp terrigiorno and it smells amazing.

[Kenan acting like he’s smelling the shrimp]

Great. Yes, yes. Got that. We got that. Now just go ahead and put your face right in the pasta bowl.

Kenan: Really? I mean, would Olive Garden even use that in the ad?

Director: Just looking for options. So, plop that face in there.

[Kenan puts his pace in the pasta bowl]

Great! Yes. Yes, sweater guy, this is really good. Okay, blue shirt and blonde hair, imagine there is a waitress there and you’re listening to her. So, let’s look up and nod.

[Scarlett and Mikey look at the same direction and nod]

She’s a little taller than that. So, bring that eye line up a bit.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking a bit higher]

And even taller.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking higher]

And, oh, my god, this woman’s an Amazon.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re shocked]

Perfect. Just like that. And just so we have it, give me one where the waitress is two feet tall.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking down]

There she is. There she is. Perfect. And she’s leaving and you’re both trying not to laugh.

Scarlett: Oh, I wouldn’t laugh at a little person.

Director: But Olive Garden customers would.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re holding their laugh]

Nailed it. There it is.

[Kenan still has his face in the pasta]

Kenan: Sir, can I take my face off of pasta now?

Director: Not just yet, sweater guy. I want to make sure we have this. Now, yellow top.

Leslie: I’m not putting my head in no pasta.

Director: Of course not. Just enjoy the taste of the pasta.

[Leslie eats some pasta and enjoys it]

Yes. Yes. That’s great. That’s great. You’re chewing, tasting and you just had a big old orgasm. [Leslie opens her eyes and stares upwards] Amazing. That’s it. Yeah, love those eyes. Love that. Look at those. Great! Yes, that’s great. Now, blonde hair, can I see that from you?

[Scarlett is acting like she’s having an orgasm]

Yes. Yes. Great with the lip. Yes, that’s great. Thanks exactly what I’m looking for. Okay. Blue shirt, you’re up.

[Mikey starts acting like he’s having an orgasm]

Amazing. The Veal Primarini is pushing all your buttons. There it is! And yeah. Great. And now sweater guy, take your face out of the pasta and let’s see that from you as well.

[Kenan makes his orgasm face]

Yeah, you’re really loving it. Yeah. That’s perfect. Now, put your face just back in the bowl of pasta.

Kenan: I really would rather not–

Director: And go.

[Kenan puts his face in the pasta bowl]

Okay, now yellow top, look at sweater guy like, “Lordy, give me the strength.”

[Leslie is pissed off]

And cut! Yes, perfect. Guys, really wonderful. I think I’ve got everything I need. And no promises, but I hear they may use some of you guys in their print campaign too.

[Cut to print campaign pictures of Leslie]

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update 50 Shades of Gray

Michael Che

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

 Michael Che: Thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray films, many couples have been experimenting with bondage and S&M in the bedroom. Here to share their expertise is a couple who recent gave it a shot, Greg and Shelly Duncan.

[Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eyes and his lips are bleeding.]

 Greg Duncan: Hello. Hello, Michael.

 Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

 Michael Che: Now, was it difficult to take that first step into S&M?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, if you’re like me, you might feel a little shy at first.

 Greg Duncan: Yes.

 Shelly Duncan: So, I recommend loosening up with a glass of wine or two.

 Greg Duncan: Absolutely. And going off the theme of proper preparation. It’s also important to figure out the extent to which your limbs can bend before they break. And honey, that goes for you penis as well.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Now, in 50 Shades of Gray movie, there’s a lot of spanking. Is that something you guys tried?

 Shelly Duncan: Oh boy.

 Greg Duncan: Yeah. I can take that one. [Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan] Yes, we did. But just a heads up, as a couple take the time to define what a spank is. Is it an open hand tap on the rear end? Or a closed fist punch to everywhere?

 Shelly Duncan: Gregory!

 Greg Duncan: What?

 Shelly Duncan: Keep some things private, baby.

 Greg Duncan: I’m sorry, baby.

 Shelly Duncan: But my husband makes a good point. Know what your partner feels comfortable with. Like– Are blindfolds okay?

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yeah. Is picking your partner up over your head and burning him on an overhead light cool? Guilty?

 Shelly Duncan: Are handcuffs a fair game? In my case, yes.

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Does being water boarded with your own urine turn you one? In my case, no.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: So, this just sounds painful. What did you enjoy about it?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, we love getting creative and pretending to be other people. Didn’t we, baby?

 Greg Duncan: Uh-huh. I even had a little name for her. I called her mistress Xanda. And what was that little name you had for me?

 Shelly Duncan: Toilet dog. And I would say fun little things like, “Eat your fear little toilet dog. Grr!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Yeah. Well…

 Greg Duncan: She’s shy.

 Michael Che: Yeah, she looks shy. Any final tips for viewers who might still be interested in giving S&M a shot?

 Shelly Duncan: Go for it. A little pain could make a big difference.

 Greg Duncan: Um, yeah. Also, know your blood type.

 Michael Che: Toilet Dog and Shelly Duncan, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Russell Stover

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a couple enjoying wine in a candle light.]

Female voice: You’ve always loved her and nothing says “I love you” like the classic Russell Stover heart-shaped box of chocolages.

[Mikey gives Melissa a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Mikey: Happy Valentine’s day, baby.

Female voice: But February isn’t only about Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Alex giving Sasheer a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Alex: Happy black history month, baby.

Sasheer: It’s not gonna be– [Sasheer opens the box of chocolate. They’re all face shaped chocolate making it look like they’re black.] Oh, it is.

Female voice: Russell Stover is honored to introduce our black history heart shaped box. Inside you’ll find twenty eight scrumptious African-American heroes. One for each delicious day of thie important month.

Alex: [picking up one chocolate] Terry Tubman, babe.

Sasheer: [not happy] Okay.

Female voice: Because a deep rich culture deserves a deep, rich chocolate.

[Cut to Alec giving Leslie a box of chocolate]

Leslie: Oh, I thought you forgot, baby.

Alec: About your struggle? Never.

Leslie: What?

[Leslie opens the box. Alec shows her his fist.]

Don’t do that!

Female voice: Each of these delectable black Americans is identified right on the box along with their indulgent flavor.

Leslie: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a cream?

[Cut to Alex and Sasheer]

Alex: [eating one chocolate] It’s peanut-butter. Wonder–

Sasheer: It’s George Washington.

Alex: George Washington Carver. Nailed it.

Female voice: From the fiery cayenne-infused caramel of Malcolm X to the airy marshmallow of Dizzy Gillespie.

[Cut to Leslie and Alec]

Leslie: Babe, they got a Bill clinton in here?

Female voice: Show her you love her and her culture, with Russell Stover’s black history heart-shaped box. Russell Stover, re we doing this right?

Leslie Wants To Play Trump

Leslie Jones

Melania Trump… Cecily Storng

Vanessa Bayer

Lorne Michaels

[Starts with Leslie Jones walking in the streets]

Leslie narrating: For a long time, I never thought that this could be possibility.

[Cut to shooting for Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump]

Alec Baldwin: It’s a disaster. You look at Chicago. The bailiff knows what i”m talking about. You know..

[Cut to 1 and Bobby Moynihan talking off screen]

Leslie: Man! Alec is so good.

Bobby: The best, man! He has got so much material for the next four years.

Leslie: Do you really think he’s going to do this for next four years? Doesn’t he have other stuff to do?

Bobby: I’m not sure. But, I mean, who’s gonna replace him?

[Cut to screen “Leslie wants to play Trump”]

[Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie narrating: I never dreamed that I could play the president. But then Melissa played Spicer and I was like, “Yo! Why can’t I play Trump?” I knew I had to make this happen. [Leslie Jones is trying to learn how Donald Trump speaks and moves] So I studied everything him.

Leslie: Huge! Huge! Drain the swamp of tremendous Muslims.

Leslie narrating: It even started to affect my relationship.

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on Kyle Mooney’s laps. She is lookin at the laptop with headphones on.]

Kyle: Can we just have sex?

Leslie: Come on, Kyle! I have to practice this.

Kyle: Baby, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you don’t even look like Donald Trump. You’re too beautiful.

Leslie: Whatever. We already had sex like twice today. Get off me. Jeez.

Leslie narrating: But I just had to commit.

[Cut to the dressing room]

Melissa: Is this like a send up on his fragile masculinity?

Leslie: No.

Sasheer: Is it like a Hamilton thing where you’re making a comment on race and politics?

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She has orange hair and yellow eyebrows ]

Leslie: Nope, it’s about giving America what it wants.

Leslie narrating: Some people couldn’t see it.

Vanessa: A woman playing Trump? It’s an interesting idea, Leslie, but trust me, it will never fly.

Leslie narrating: Finally, it was the moment of truth.

Female voice: Leslie, you can go in now.

Leslie: Um, okay. [acting like Donald Trump] Lorne, baby. I have a huge idea, bigly.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: It’s not going to happen, Leslie.

Leslie: [disappointed] Alright. I mean, I understand. I understand. [looking at the cameraman] Fellas, hey, can I have a minute, please? [cameras off] [yelling] Don’t say no to me, Lorne! I’ll f* destroy this whole place! I’m so tired of this f* popcorn. Why the f* roses in here? People keep casting me as somebody who always yells. I’m trying to show you I got range. [Leslie is getting violent towards Lorne Michaels] I’m trying to show you something different.

[Cut to Leslie jones being pulled away by the security]

Leslie: I’m going. I’m going. [Vanessa Bayer is walking pass dressed like Donald Trump] Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing?

Vanessa: [acting like Donald Trump] I’m looking out for number one, baby!

Leslie: Man, that bitch is supposed to be my friend, man! Am I fired?

[Cut to Leslie walking out of the building, still dressed as Donald Trump]

[A limousine pulls over]

Melania Trump: Donald? Donald? Is that you?

Leslie: Melania? I mean, [acting like Donald Trump] yes, darling, it’s me.

Melania Trump: What are you doing out here in cold? Get in.

[Melania opens the door to limousine]

[Leslie Jones gets in the car and the car drives away]

Celebrity Family Feud- Super Bowl Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Samuel L. Jackson… Leslie Jones

Paula Deen… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodell… Beck Bennett

Gisele Bundchen… Kristen Stewart

Bill Belichick… Bobby Moynihan

Casey Affleck… Alex Moffat

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “Family Feud: Super Bowl edition.” Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay, ow, welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud.” Now, in honor of my meeting with Donald Trump, I’m wearing a Trump tie. Trump tie ties so long they put a little tickle in your pickle. Now, this is the Super Bowl edition so we bot celebrity New England Patriot fans taking on celebrity Atlanta Falcons fans. And on the Atlanta side, first up is Falcons fans and little musical rascal, Justin Bieber.

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Um, yeah. What’s up Steve. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not bad no more. Um, but I can still do this. [starts jumping around]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, okay. Next we got the official voice of the Falcons, Samuel L. Jackson

[Cut to Samuel L. Jackson]

Samuel L. Jackson: It’s about time we got these mother flipping Falcons in the mother flipping Super Bowl

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Umm, I don’t know, there’s something different about you, Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, next, we got the most famous Chef in Georgia and America’s leading cause of diabetes, Paula Deen.

[Cut to Paula Deen]

Paula Deen: Yeah, I love the Super Bowl. While the boys are throwing around the old pig skin, I’m going to cook a pig skin and serve it with a side of cheesy Fajiddles.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Alright. Finally on the Falcon side, the man who suspended Tom Brady for deflate-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Hello, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now wait, you really a Falcons fan?

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Absolutely. Love the Falcons. Doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to give the Super Bowl trophy to Tom Brady.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! You’re going to be watching the game with the same face Obama had while watching this year’s election. Just like, [making serious face]. Alright, over on the Patriots side, first up we got Brazilian supermodel and Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

[Cut to Gisele Bundchen]

Gisele Bundchen: I love the American Super Bowl where millions of people come together to watch TV and teat this garbage.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You know, your name sounds like what my underwear be doing sometimes. Gisele Bundchen. Next up, we got a successful millionaire who dresses like a seventh grade boy. The Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: Good evening, Steve. We’re having fun here, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bill, cheer up, man! You’ve won six super bowls and I have never seen you laugh. Give me a laugh, Bill, come on.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: [trying to laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry I asked. Alright, next, we got an actor from Massachusetts and a Oscar favorite, Casey Affleck.

[Cut to Casey Affleck]

Casey Affleck: Um, how are you doing, Steve? I, uh, I’m doing good. I guess excited for the Super Bowl. Um, go Pats and all, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god, you like the first half of commercial for anti-depressants. And finally, this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer, Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you, Steve. [singing] I got a million reasons my halftime show will rock

They said I can’t be political. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna. [winks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Seeing you before the football fans is going to be like Toby Keith hosting the Tonys. Let’s play a game. Give me Gisele, give me Justin, let’s get on up here.

[Justin Bieber and Gisele Bundchen walk to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Justin Bieber: [to Gisele Bundchen] Hey girl. Um, how you doing? Hmm? [trying to do a cool pose]

Steve Harvey: Justin, I got some bad news for you, player. that don’t work on women that’s grown. Alright, top six answers are on the board. The Super Bowl is Sunday. Name one thing that you take to a party. [buzzer] Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen: Cachaca and caipariniahs.

Steve Harvey: Now what you say about Sasha and Malia?

Gisele Bundchen: No. No, I said cachaca and capriniah. They’re drinks. Two of them?

Steve Harvey: You know, I don’t know what you’re saying but you look good saying it. Show me, goulashes and capers!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not up here. Um, Justin, what you bring to a party?

Justin Bieber: Um, Steve, I don’t party as much because I’m a man now. I got like five little moustache hairs and I’m bringing them all for you, girl. But when I do party, I’ma bring my signature cocktail.

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Show me juice box!

[There is ‘beverages’ in answer board]

Ay! Number six answer. Okay, alright, the Falcon fans have the board. [Steve Harvey walks to team Falcon] Alright, Samuel L. Jackson, something that you bring to a party.

Samuel L. Jackson: Why do I got to bring something? You invited me. That’s a stupid ass question and I hope you burn in hell!

Steve Harvey: Um, look here. I don’t know who brought you up in here. But I”m watching you. Yeah, okay, Paula Deen, give me something that you bring to a party.

Paula Deen: Well, yeah, a party’s gotta have food so I’ma bring my famous seven-layer cheese dip. It’s cheese, then beans, then cheese, then farts, then beans and cheese.

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if Michelle Obama had an opposite person. Show me, bring some extra febreze!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, two strikes. On to Roger Goodell, something that you bring to a party.

Roger Goodell: Oh, I love to party. Just you and a dozen lawyers in a luxury box just getting turnt. Turnt up.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, that’s a great answer. ON behalf of all the players in the NFL, this is dedicated to you. [wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, alright, Patriots fans got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to team Patriots] Something that you take to a party, give me some answers.

Lady Gaga: Dwarves.

Bill Belichick: Hoodies, maybe?

Steve Harvey: Great answers there but Gisele, it is up to you. What do you take to a party?

Gisele Bundchen: Steve, a party is being together. I’ll say the beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some nonesense!

[right answer bell. The answer board has “The beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity” as number one answer.]

Ay! Man! That was the number one answer! My lord. How did that happen?

[Cut to Bill Belichick smiling and using a computer.]Wait! Bill Belichick, did you hack the board?

[Bill Belichick laughing weirdly]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sneaky old fool. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’ll tell you the name of the tiny little elf that hides in my moustache. We’ll see you later.