Tag: Season 40

Monologue Bill Hader Sings With Kristen Wiig And Harvey Fierstein

Bill Hader

Kristen Wiig

Harvey Fierstein

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[the band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.

A girl in the audience: I love you!

Bill Hader: I love you.

[audience cheering]

Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?

I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.

[Kristen Wiif walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.

Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.

Bill Hader: I can’t

Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.

Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.

[music starts playing]

Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.

Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?

Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.

[singing]

I know you can sing it

go ahead and wing it

they are gonna love it

Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!

Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.

[drums roll]

Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending

now you have to do it

tonight’s your night

you’re gonna wild the crowd

Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]

Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here

so Bill just sing it loud

Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig

thank you for talking me into this

this is a dream come true [audience laughing]

I’m really killing this.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.

[cheers and applause]

With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.

Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!

[Harvey Fierstein walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?

Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?

Kristen Wiig: I just got here.

Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.

Kristen Wiig: There better be!

[Kristen Wiig walks away]

Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.

Bill Hader: Just like you?

Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.

[drums roll and music starts]

Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard

Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird

Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it

[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]

Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night

Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.

Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go

Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!

Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kim Jong-Un Is Strong

Nurse… Cecily Strong

Kim Jong Un… Bobby Moynihan

General… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Qak-pun-ji… Beck Bennett

[Stars with a clip of Pyongyang, North Korea]

Nurse: Dear leader, [Cut to a nurse sitting beside Kim Jong Un] it has been five weeks since you’ve been seen in public. Your people yearn to set their eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un. Please, some are wondering if you’re still in charge.

Kim Jong Un: Fools! I am the one and only shining sun. I am your marshall. So, why do I hear these poisonous rumors? That I am diabetic? That I have the gout? ridiculous! That I have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me?

[Cut to three soldiers at right]

General: It is just, dear leader, we are worried.

[Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: Worried? About me? Well, let me tell you something, General.

[Kim Jong Un struggles to stand up]

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to the General, he’s making noises]

General! You of all people should never question me. Why did you go to South Korea when you knew I forbid this?

General: It was a diplomatic mission, sir. As part of the Asian games.

Kim Jong Un: What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian games when the world’s greatest athlete is standing right in front of you? I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.

[Cut to the soldiers at left]

Kyle: But sir, you’re limping.

[Cut to Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: What? Who said that?

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to Kyle, he is making noises]

I told you, I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan. This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me. We all know this.

[Cut to everybody. The soldiers and nodding their heads.]

Kyle: My apologies dear leader. It’s just, um, people think you’re out of tough.

Kim Jong Un: How can I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength. Perhaps a demonstration is in order.

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to right side, he is making noise]

Qak-pun-ji, I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

Qak-pun-ji: Dear leader, I could never.

Kim Jong Un: Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die!

[Qak-pun-ji punches Kim Jong Un on chest. Kim Jong Un doesn’t react at all.]

Now everyone turn around!

[The soldiers turn away from Kim Jong Un and then, Kim Jong Un starts grunting.]

That was in my heart! He punched me in the heart. What an animal! [Kim Jong Un takes long breath] Okay, turn back around. This is nonsense. I am strong as a dragon.

[Kim Jong Un turns around and tries to go back to his seat.]

Okay, forget it.

[He starts crawling as he can’t limp on stairs.]

[Nurse tries to get him up]

I am fine! [Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un] I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing]

Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing again]

Now, everybody turn around!

[As everyone turns away from Kim Jong Un, he screams in pain.]

[Nurse passes a packed juice to Kim Jong Un]

Oh, cranberry! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper]

[Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper]

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused]

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd]

[They start fighting]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen]

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them]

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.]

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.

Herb Welch Virginity Pledge Rally

Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam

Herb Welsh… Bill Hader

Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson

President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong

[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York

[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]

Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause]

[Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]

Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?

[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald

Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?

Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.

Herb Welsh: You got a kid?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.

Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.

Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.

[Cut to the split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!

Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?

Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.

Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.

Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.

Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

How many?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?

Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?

[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]

Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey!

[Cut to split screen]

Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.

Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.

Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.

Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

[President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]

President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.

[Cut to split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?

Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]

Hola, que pasa senorita?

[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]

President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.

[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.

Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian!

[Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.]

[Cut to Chuck Dawes]

Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.

[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]

Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.

Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]

Weekend Update Garage and Her on the Female Thor

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Garage… Kate McKinnon

Her… Sarah Silverman

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: This week, Marvel comics debut it’s latest character, female version of Thor, prompting a lot of controversy amongst comic book fans. And here to comment is the feminist music duo, Garage and Her.

[Garage and Her slide in with a guitar]

[cheers and applause]

Garage: It’s pronounced Gara-Che, Michael.
Michael Che: Oh! And you’re Gara-Che?

Garage: Yes. Gara-Che. It means strength, in a Himalayan mountain language that I looked upon the internet.

Michael Che: And you’re Her?

Her: No, I’m me.

Michael Che: What have you been up to?

[Cut to Garage and Her

Her: Uh! We just finished our biggest tour ever.

Garage: It was one night. It was magical. And it was poorly attended.

[Cut to Garage, Michael Che and Her]

Michael Che: So, what do you think about this new female Thor character?

Her: Thor has always been a woman, Michael.

Garage: Anyone who has strength is a woman.

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Anyone who has courage is a woman.

Garage: And Michael, there are a lot more women out there than you think. Two, three, four…

[Garage starts playing guitar]

Garage and Her: The wind is a woman
the earth is a woman
fire is a woman
and the clouds are women too. 

the girl is a woman
a dog can be a woman
a baby is a lady
and a plant, a plant can have a boob

Garage: Take it, take it.

Her: You can be a woman
he show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is a woman
garbanzo beans is a woman
and San Diego too

Garage: Jesus was a woman
Italians are woman
Walt Disney was a woman
and Pixar, Pixar has a pointed shoe

[Garage stops playing guitar]

Okay, stop. I have to change the key.

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: [pointing at what Her is holding] Is that even an instrument?

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Yes, it’s a Chimone. It makes a really shuttle sound. Is this my– um, where is my microphone? It sounds like this. [Her makes chewing sound]

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Her: And it grades cheese.

Michael Che: Oh!

Garage: And it is also a woman. Two, three, four…

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Garage and Her: The brand of cat food Adabi is a strong Christian woman
male gay is a mistress and aerobic’s cuba queen.

Garage: My guitar is a woman

Garage and Her: Bill Marr is a woman.
each tapeworm is a woman
and a woman, a woman is me.
and a woman, a woman is me.

[Garage stops playing guitar]

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: Garage and Her, everyone.

Garage: Michael Che, you’re a woman.

Michael Che: Thank you. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Garage: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update Al Sharpton on the Secret Service

Colin Jost

Reverend Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A story in the New York Times claims that African Americans feel that the President is deliberately not being protected well enough by the secret service. Here to talk about that from MSNBC, Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Reverend Al Sharpton slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Reverend Al Sharpton: Thank you, thank you Colin Jost. Who tells the jokes? Excuse me. Colin Jost who tells the jokes. [audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Reverend, I’m very glad you’re here. What do you think is going on with the Secret Service?

Reverend Al Sharpton: I don’t know, it’s a secret. And I don’t think we’re getting the whole story. [Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton] From everything I’m hearing on the streets, this man went into the White House, sat down in the Lincoln bedroom, ordered a sandwich and watch the Obama family’s personal DVD of Lee Daniel’s The Butler for an hour before somebody asked what was going on.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: Alright, that can’t be. So, what do you think they should be doing about this, Reverend?

Reverend Al Sharpton: Well, Colin, as I say on my network, Miss-NBC, [Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton] I think that’s NBC for ladies or something, we need to bring back a time where folks looked out for each other. For example, in my neighborhood, we got Ms. Tompkins. All day Ms. Tompkins just sits on her porch. And if she sees somebody who ain’t supposed to be there, she’ll give the neighborhood call, “Cukoo-koo-cuckoo!” And then Dirty Willy the Rhino come crawling up out of the sewer and chases you down to the next subway stop. They need a Dirty Willy at the White House.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I feel like the Secret Service has to handle it. You know, there’s new chief Joseph Clancy, he says that the agency is then reformed.

Reverend Al Sharpton: I don’t trust it. America is a dangerous place, Colin. Is it Kevin or Colin? Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s not Kevin. It’s not Kevin, but thank you.

[Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton]

Reverend Al Sharpton: They got this new virus, it’s called Ebola that you can get through your e-mail. Plus, this country has a gun culture. Listen to these statistics.

[Reverend Al Sharpton pulls out some papers]

According to pubis– excuse me, PBS, the United States has 10 gun deaths for every 100,000 people, Colin Jost7 times the rate of Japan where most of the homicides are from the KKK. That’s Karate, Karaoke and Kaju. That’s a sea monster Kevin– Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Kevin.

Colin Jost: Kevin and Kaju. Yeah, yeah! Now, what would you do if you were protecting the president?

Reverend Al Sharpton: Are you serious? I’d protect Barack Obama as hard as I can every night from 6-7 pm on Miss NBC. Even when he personally told me to stop it, I ain’t stop it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: Reverend Al Sharpton, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Carnegie Deli and a sandwich at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: New York’s famed Carnegie Deli has introduced a new sandwich featuring a massive tower of turkey and bacon which they call the ‘Derek Jeter Triple Club’. They named it for Jeter because after you eat it, [Picture changes to Jeter’s back with ‘2’ on his jersey.] you’ll take a legendary number 2. [audience laughing]

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of Microsoft logo and written ‘Fifth Ave’ at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: Microsoft has announced plans to open a flagship store on New York’s Fifth Avenue, just blocks away from the Apple store. That’s the Microsoft store, as in, he line for the Apple store starts all the way back at the Microsoft store.

[Picture changes to thee cheerleaders.]

Scientists in Japan have developed a group of robotic cheerleaders. But, it’s not what you think. They also have sex with them.

[Cut to 2. There’s a picture of ‘Police Department: City of New York’ logo at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: The New York city Police Department is hoping to eliminate incidents of police brutality by showing police a compilation video of officers assaulting people. Unfortunately, the background song on the video is, “This is how we do it.”

[Picture changes to Jimmy Carter]

Jimmy Carter celebrates his 90th birthday this week as usual by snorting peanut dust off a hooker’s ass.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

While speaking at Harvard this week, vice president Joe Biden said that his job can be “a bitch”. But when you’re vice president, bitch is basically the job description.

[Cut to 1 and 2]

Speaker 1: Now, that’s kind of a weird word. Can we say that?

Speaker 2: What? Bitch?

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 2: Well, I think so because we’re talking about a thing, not a woman.

Speaker 1: Okay, yes. Cool, cool. Um, while we’re on the subject, could I ask you if there’s a couple of other things I can say?

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Like, what about ‘bae’?Can I call my girlfriend bae?

Speaker 2: Ew, no. You can’t.

Speaker 1: Why, is it because I’m white?

Speaker 2: No, it’s because you’re 30.

Speaker 1: Well, what if I’m in the club?

Speaker 2: Well, you definitely can’t say in the club.

Speaker 1: Why not?

Speaker 2: Because I know the place you’re talking about and that’s Dave & Buster’s.

Speaker 1: I just feel like I can’t say anything and you can say everything.

Speaker 2: There’s things I can’t say. Like, “Tootle-loo.” Or, “Skinny Macchiato.” Or, “Thank you for your help, officer.”

Speaker 1: You know, coming out of your mouth, that does sound a little cra-cra.

Speaker 2: See that’s– Actually, you can keep cra-cra. You pretty much ruined that for everybody.

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of a breakfast meal at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: I got cra-cra. A British cafe has introduced a new breakfast called the Hybernator which is 8,000 calories and contains bacon, sausage, cheese omelettes, waffles, toast, black pudding and beans. And if you’re able to finish the entire thing, they’ll even make your plaque with your name on it. [Picture changes to a tombstone with all the written on a plaque.]

[Picture changes to Nicholas Sparks.]

A law suit has been filed by a former head of the North Carolina private school against ‘Notebook’ author Nicholas Sparks, alleging he’s a bigot and held the man captive in a room while attacking him. But something tells me they’ll end up falling for each other at the end.

 

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’ Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Julia Pierson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Julia Pierson announced Wednesday that she would resign as head of the Secret Service. Pierson made the announcement at she dove out of the way of a man running toward the president.

[Picture changes to White House]

After a series of security breaches, the Secret Service said that the front door to the White House now locks automatically, unless you kind of jiggle it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Texas state at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to officials at the CDC, the first case of Ebola in the US has been diagnosed in Texas. And according to WebMD, you already have it.

[Picture changes to Rick Perry]

Texas governor Rick Perry said that the first man in the US diagnosed with Ebola had contact with several school age children. You know who I feel bad for? Texas school teachers. I mean it’s hard enough going to school teaching kids that god created at the world in like 1942, and the first two people were John Wayne and Barbara Bush. But now you gotta deal with 6 foot country boys coughing off a monkey disease. And also, who goes to Texas and Africa? Like, there’s never a reason to do that unless you’re a missionary or [Picture changes to Hakeem Olajuwon] Hakeem Olajuwon.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of  US flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed yesterday that the man in Texas diagnosed with Ebola was allowed to leave Liberia after he lied on a questionnaire of possibly contracting the disease. A questionnaire! Well, it’s good to know that our hospitals are holding Ebola patients to the same standard as a Facebook quiz. [Picture changes to a Facebook quiz.] And now officials in Liberia are prosecuting the man for lying on the questionnaire. If convicted, he could face up to… Ebola.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to report, Kim Jong Un has not been seen in public for over a month after injuring his ankles. And not as I had hoped, because he’s traveling around the world in Dennis Rodman’s backpack.

Vitamix

Anne… Sarah Silverman

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with two women walking in the kitchen after workout with towels on the shoulders.]

Anne: Ah! Great workout.

Venessa: Oh, I’ve got just the thing. Try this kale apple smoothie.

[Venessa passes smothie to Anne and Anne drinks it.]

Anne: That’s delicious. Did you make this?

Venessa: [looking at the camera] I sure did. With my Vitamix Pro 750 blender. [There’s a black blender in front of her] It’s amazing. It blends ingredients completely and evenly for ultra smooth creamier results.

Anne: This is smooth.

Venessa: It’s also great at making nut butters and grinding grains into flours.

Anne: My blender can’t do any of that. How much is it?

Venessa: Well, it’s up there.

Anne: Oh!

Venessa: And look, just set it to a variety of preset modes. Soups, porridge, I mean, ah!

Anne: That’s really cool. Is it like $200?

Venessa: No. Um..

Anne: So, it’s less.

Venessa: Well, no. But it’s more than that. [Cut to Venessa and the blender.] But did I tell you that it blends ingredients completely? Like, even nut butters. [Venessa laughs]

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: Yea, yea, you said it made stuff creamy. It can’t be more than $300, right?

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Well, it kind of is. But, look at the soft griped organically designed handle. I mean, ah!

Anne: Yeah, that’s great.[Cut to Anne] But still, money wise, I’m gonna go crazy and say it’s $400?

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay, just watch this. [Venessa opens the lid and puts an apple in the blender.] Put this in here. And, okay.

[Venessa starts the blender]

Do you see what it’s doing to this apple? I didn’t even core it. And it’s so quiet.

[Anne turns the blender off]

Anne: No, it’s not that quiet. Dina, seriously, how much is this?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: 650.

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: Wow! Really? Wow! [Cut to Anne and Venessa] Okay.

Venessa: You know, it’s a great blender. I use it everyday. It makes nut butters. So, yeah! 650 is a lot but– I don’t know. It just works so good and pulses–

[Venessa puts a carrot in the blender and turns it on and quickly, off]

Anne: What are you doing?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I feel like you’re judging me. Like, you think that I’m crazy.

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: I don’t. I’m not. I- I didn’t say anything like that. [Cut to Anne and Venessa] I think it’s a great blender.

Venessa: It is. It absolutely is. You should get one. I mean, if you can.

[Cut to Anne looking offended.]

Anne: If I can?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: No, I just– The way you reacted when I told you the price. [Cut to Anne and Venessa] It makes it seem like maybe you don’t have that kind of income to cover a purchase like this.

Anne: Yeah! Okay! Well, you and your nut butter maybe need to dilate back a little bit.

Venessa: I’m just trying to share with you how great this machine is. And you’re just– [Cut to Venessa] Look, um, I know you’re having a hard time financially.

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Anne: What?

Venessa: You have money problems.

Anne: How do you even know my money situation?

Venessa: Anne, this community is small. You know that. Anne!

[Cut to Anne very angry]

Anne: Robert and I are, we’re gonna be fine, okay? You can just let everybody know that if they’re so concerned.

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I will.

Anne: We can get a Vitamix! We can get a Vitamix in two seconds if we wanted to.

Venessa: I never said you couldn’t, Anne. Look, do you want any more juice?

Anne: I don’t want anymore anything.

Venessa: Okay, then I think you could just go home.

Anne: Great! I will.

[Anne takes her glass, throws it to the sink and leaves.]

[Cut to Venessa feeling angry]

[Cut to Vitamix commercial]

Female voice: Vitamix, they’re just jealous.

[Cut to Venessa in her kitchen.]

[Anne walks by the window behind Venessa]

Anne: Enjoy all the ridiculous expensive stuff you own.

Venessa: I do!