season 43 Archives - Page 21 of 28 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Floribama Shore

Kyler… Mikey Day

Trish… Saoirse Ronan

Pontoon… Luke Null

Epcot… Heidi Gardner

Quartney… Aidy Bryant

Justin… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: From the creators of Jersey Shore, MTV’s hot new show “Floribama Shore” brings the party to the Gold Coast. The co-eds are hot, the parties are jumping and it was all filmed in the middle of Hurricane Irma.

[Cut to Kyler.]

Kyler narrating: Sup? My name’s Kyler and I’m a piece of [bleep].

[Cut to Trish]

Trish narrating: My mama didn’t raise me to be afraid of no storm. She raised me to be a fearless Christian sex addict with gum diseases that you ain’t even heard of, player!

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: Sup, y’all? My name’s Pontoon. And I used to carry around my dad’s ashes until I let go of him on a roller coaster. Oh-Wa-ah-ah-ah!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: My name’s Epcot. I was born in the Chinese part of Epcot center. My favorite food is gum.

[Cut to Quartney]

Quartney narrating: What’s up, weiners? My name’s Quartney with a Quart. I’mma freaking the sheets in the Benghazi. Truth are in the streets.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Wait a minute, there’s a hurricane coming? We need to go, y’all!

[Cut to clips of people partying]

Male voice: A party’s brewing down south y’all. And there’s a 90% chance of drama.

[Cut to everyone chilling. Quartney walks in with cocktails.]

Quartney: Hurricanes for the hurricane, y’all!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: Hurricanes? Her a bitch!

[Cut to Epcot trashing Quartney’s cocktails]

Epcot: You’ve been getting on my damn nerves ever since we got to this house.

Quartney: You can’t talk to me like that!

Epcot: Oh, what are you going to do about it? Cry to you daddy?

Quartney: You don’t know my daddy.

Epcot: You don’t know… my daddy!

Epcot and Quartney: My daddy’s Hulk Hogan!

[Epcot and Quartney look at each other being emotional for some time, and then hug each other crying.]

[Cut to Epcot and Quartney]

Quartney narrating: Hogan sisters reunited.

Epcot narrating: Have you ever met him?

Quartney narrating: No, I want to, though.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: At this point, seems like everybody in the house is coupled up. Trish is with Kyler. Epcot is with Kyler. And Quartney, I believe, is with Kyler. Justin’s freaking out coz his wife’s not answering the phone.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Sharon, call me.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: But I’m not worried, y’all, because Trish said that she’d bang me… after Kyler.

[Cut to everyone praying at the table]

Male voice: Despite everything, this house is all about the love.

Trish: Guys, I think staying in here through the hurricane was the best decision we ever made.

Quartney: Yeah! Otherwise, I would have never met my long lost sister.

Pontoon: We’re falling in love. Y’all, this hurricane has taught me something important. When you find someone you love, never let em go. Trish, will you marry me?

[a ‘STOP’ sign board flies in breaking window and cuts Pontoon through his stomach. Everyone is panicking.]

Male voice: “Floribama Shore,” why do you make us do this?

Bachelor Auction

Mikey Day

Brandon… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Chad… Pete Davidson

Sylvia… Cecily Strong

Cecil… Kate McKinnon

Patty… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Peg… Saoirse Ronan

Kenan Thompson

John McEnroe

[Starts with Mikey hosting an auction. Brandon is standing with Mikey on the stage.]

Mikey: Going once. Going twice. Whoa, sold for a whopping $1,600. Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six. You have won breakfast in a private tennis lesson with our head instructor Brandon.

Brandon: Heads up. I’m gonna make you sweat.

Melissa: At breakfast?

Brandon: No. The tennis lesson.

Mikey: Okay. You two, go see Dana to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take so far in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club bachelor auction. Remember, all proceeds from tonight go to our club youth traveling team. So, keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelor works at the club pro shop. It’s Chad. [Chad walks in] You may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot. You’re bidding on a lunch with Chad. So, we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, fifty bucks. Sounds good, Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Alright. Do I hear fifty?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. There is something about that boy. $fifty.

Peg: 100.

Sylvia: 500.

Leslie: 1,000.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Wow, Chad’s a hit. Anything to keep those bids coming, man? You got any hidden talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I made up the dance called ‘Doink Doink’.

Mikey: Alright, let’s see it.

Chad: Okay. [starts dancing] Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. The Doink Doink is amazing.

Peg: Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia.

Cecil: $5,000.

Sylvia: Oh, typical Cecil. Jump in the action’s hot.

Peg: $10,000, and I’ll raise myself to 15. I must have the Doink Doink.

Patty: Go home, ladies. Patty has come to play. Damn $30,000.

Peg: $50,000. And that’s a bargain.

Cecil: Look, I am willing to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad bring to the table?

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: [to Chad] Um, any other talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I could do an impression of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh, Jesus, this place is going to explode.

Peg: $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it.

Cecil: What if it’s not good?

Sylvia: Of course, it will be good. It’s Chad, you cow!

Peg: Just shut up, all of you. Let Chad work.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad.]

Chad: Okay. Um, this is when he’s talking to his dog. [doing Jim Carry’s Grinch impression] Tomorrow’s Christmas. It’s practically here.

[Cut to the ladies. All of them stand.]

All ladies: $500,000.

Peg: $600,000. That sounded exactly like the Grinch.

Leslie: $700,000, and I didn’t even see the Grinch.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: I feel like I’m in the upside down right now. Chad’s Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.

Chad: Oh, um, I can do a magic trick.

[Cut to the ladies]

Peg: It’s pointless ladies. There’s a reason you call me “Richy Bitch” behind my back. I get what I want.

Sylvia: Oh, quiet, Peg. Look.

[Chad is doing a stupid trick.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $10 million.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Ten million, going once, twice, sold to the mystery man in the fun coat. Um, who are you, sir?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It doesn’t matter. What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine. Have the boy cleaned and take him to my lodge.

[Kenan walks out]

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Sounds kind of creepy. Are you cool with that Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Okay. Big hand for Chad. [Chad leaves] Alright, Chad. Alright, on to our big ticket item, we pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Get your check books ready for our next bachelor. Tennis legend, John McEnroe.

[John McEnroe walks in]

Tell us, what are they bidding on, Mr McEnroe?

John McEnroe: Alright. I’m offering a weekend stay at my stay, a.k.a. the Mac Shack. It includes a three hours tennis lesson from your’s truly, a mixed double’s match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. And of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.

Mikey: Whoa. Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding.

[Cut to the ladies. They don’t look interested.]

John McEnroe: What? You gotta be kidding me. [yelling] I’m John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? [starts dancing like Chad] Doink Doink?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $20 million.

[Cut to Mikey and John McEnroe]

John McEnroe: Now that is more like it.

Mikey: Sold! $20 million.

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll]

[Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Aer Lingus

Brianna… Cecily Strong

Coleen… Saoirse Ronan

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Captain… Kyle Mooney

Maiv… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brianna speaking on airplane’s speaker]

Brianna: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard to flight 192 from Dublin to Cork, making connections to New York city. Now, before we’re in the air, we want to go over some safety features on Air Lingus.

Coleen: Yes. But even before that, we know what Air Lingus sounds like.

Brianna: Yes. We can’t go through a flight without someone making an Air Lingus comment.

Coleen: You know, about the word that sounds like, nothing any more about it.

Brianna: And to the word we’re talking about, it sort of rhymes with Ronan and it’s about female bits and what she can do to em’. But we’re not saying anymore about it.

Coleen: It’s low hanging fruit, literally. And that is definitely the last we are saying about that.

Brianna: And the word was conalingus.

Alex: How long do you reckon we’ll be on the runway? What’s the delay then?

Brianna: I heard it was a dog.

Coleen: Oh, here’s the lady with the orange sticks now. maybe she has more information.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Folks, we’ve got a dog on the runway. It’s got sad eyes. So, we’re gonna have to wait. We’re going to let dog choose when he’s ready to move. It’s his will. It’s his story. Not ours. Do you understand?

[Kate walks out]

Coleen: Good then, right. Let’s do our safety presentation. Do all of you have your pamphlets? If so, just pull them out now.

Brianna: Okay, number one. Mind your children please.

Coleen: Yes. They need to be underneath your seat at all times.

Brianna: And toddlers need to be stored neatly in the overhead for the entirety of the flight.

Coleen: Whose dog is this? [pointing at a dog] Come here. [Coleen carries a dog] Whose dog are you?

Brianna: Oh! That’s the captain’s dog. [banging cockpit door] Captain. Panky’s out here.

Captain: What’s that?

Coleen: It’s Panky, your dog. He’s out here.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Panky, you’re a bad boy, aren’t ya? Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.

[Captain walks inside the cockpit with his dog]

Brianna: Sorry. Folks, that was our captain Piwi Riley. That’s his nickname.

Coleen: Yes. Because something on his body is giant and he’s ashamed of it. And that’s all we’re going to say about it.

Brianna: And that part of his body is his penis.

Coleen: Okay. So, now that you’ve met our captain, let us introduce ourselves. I’m Coleen.

Brianna: And I’m Brianna. In the back we have Maiv, and now she’s going to tell us a bit about the menu.

[Maiv walks in]

Maiv: We’ve got fingerling potatoes. We’ve got purple potatoes. And we got salmon. I’m sorry, I misread that. The salmon is also potato. Thank you.

[Maiv walks out]

Brianna: Okay, Maiv, get back to the back now.

[Cut to Kenan. He is holding a dog.]

Kenan: Um, excuse me. Will I make my connection to New York city? And also, here’s a strange dog that has jumped into my lap.

Brianna: And is he bothering you, sir?

Kenan: Not really. He’s kind of sweet.

Coleen: Aw, it sounds like you made a new friend.

Kenan: Yeah. So, am I to make that connection to New York? Or–

Brianna: You know what? Here comes the lady with orange sticks.

[Kate walks in with a dog]

Kate: Alright, the dog on the runway was the captain’s dog. I knew it was him by his soul and the information on his tags.

Coleen: Oh, that’s Mupes. Isn’t it?

Brianna: Oh, what a funny coincident? It was the Mupes, the captain’s dog on the runway. [banging cockpit door] Captain, Mupes back. Guess he was at the runway.

Captain: Who?

Coleen: Mupes, your dog.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Mupes? Wow!

Brianna: He was on the runway.

[many dogs run out of the cockpit door]

Captain: Oh! Oh my dogs! Did you see that? Oh my god! Did you see them run out?

Brianna: I will send them in now.

Coleen: Folks, as you can see, the captain’s dogs have run out of the cockpit.

Brianna: Folks, it’d be a great deal of help if you can grab a dog by the passage. We can just load them back into the cockpit.

Coleen: Oh look. Maiv’s got her fit loud.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?

Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.