Tag: Taran Killam

Avengers News Report

Janet… Cecily Strong

Dani Powel… Bobby Moynihan

Thor… Chirs Hemsworth

Iron Man… Taran Killam

Dr. Bruce Banner… Pete Davidson

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Captain America… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Action News seven intro]

Male voice: This is Action News seven Special Report.

[Cut to Janet in her news set]

Janet: Breaking news. This afternoon as Ultron and his evil army of robots have been defeated. And once again, mankind has the Avengers to thank. We go live to downtown Washington DC where our reporter Dani is on the scene.

[Cut to Dani in in the scene. Thor is taking selfies with the public.]

Dani: Hi Janet, I stand here where just moments ago, the Avengers claimed victory over Ultron’s forces. Joining me if I can get him over here is the mighty Thor. Hey Thor!

[Thor walks in]

Thor: Woohoo!

Dani: Can we talk to you for a second?

Thor: [singing] We are the champions my friend

What’s up?

Dani: Oh, wow. Thor, what a spectacular showing from the Avengers. How are you feeling?

Thor: Oh, man! I am on pure adrenaline right now. I’m at like an 11. I’m cranked up. Whooo!

[Thor kisses Dani on his cheek]

Dani: Oh, my goodness!

Thor: I’m sorry. I totally just kissed your head. That was weird.

Dani: That’s okay. Yo, there was a moment there where it looked like Ultron was definitely going to kill everyone.

Thor: Yeah. I gotta give it up to those robots. They fought hard. But luckily, I’m Thor!

[The public behind him cheer for him.]

Pi-pi-pi-pi. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now.

[Iron Man walks in]

Iron Man: Hey, um, don’t listen to a word this guy says.

Thor: Oh my god! This guy. Love this guy!

Dani: Mr. Stark. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Iron Man: Um, yeah. [Iron Man takes the mic] To the owner of a Blue Honda Accord, your lights are on. Oh, yeah, also there’s a building on it. Relax, that was a joke. Rim shot! Keep up people! Peace in the middle east. I’m going to Disney World.

Dani: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Iron Man passes the mic back to Dani and leaves]

Thor: That guy has a dry sense of humor.

Dani: Oh-oh! And here comes Dr. Bruce Banner, a.k.a., the hulk.

[Dr. Bruce Banner walks in]

Dr. Banner.

Thor: This guy!

Dr. Bruce Banner: What happened?

Thor: You crushed it, man!

Dr. Bruce Banner: I think I ate a guy.

Thor: Yeah, you did. You ate a bunch of guys. You’re nut.

Dr. Bruce Banner: I need to sit down.

Thor: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Dani: Dr. Bruce Banner–

Thor: Ay-Ay- Where is everyone going after this? We’re going out?

[The public cheering for him]

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, it seems like the Avengers are confident there will be no further attacks.

[Cut to Thor is dancing behind him.]

Dani: No, I don’t have official word, Janet. But I would say that sounds very accurate considering Thor is doing the running man. But wait, oh, here’s someone who can give us some answers. Avenger’s leader, Nick Fury.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Mr. Fury.

Nick Fury: What?

Dani: Does Ultron still pose a threat?

Nick Fury: No!

Dani: Great! You heard it here first.

[Thor and Iron Man walk in and pours a bucket of ice and water on Nick Fury]

Nick Fury: I’m freezing!

Thor: Stark’s idea! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Captin America walks in]

Captin America: Hey, may I address your viewers?

Dani: Of course. Janet, I am joined now by Captain America.

Captin America: Citizens, please be aware. The mayor’s order to remain in your home is still in effect. [Thor is mocking Captin America from behind] Many buildings are unstable and several fires are not yet contained. Thank you.

Dani: Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, do you have any new information about the extent of the damage? And when those evacuated might be allowed to return to their home?

[Cut to Dani. Thor is dancing behind.]

Dani: No, but Thor just informed me that the victory party is at the Dave&Busters on 9th street. And there also might be some late night karaoke. Okay, hey Thor. Still going.

[Thor takes the mic from Dani]

Thor: Hey, can I do a shoutout?

Dani: Of course, yeah!

Thor: Shout out to my brother Loki. I mean, I know we had our differences in the past and he tried to take over the world, but I love you man! And um, my ex! My ex, Jane. How do you like me now? Boom! Ha-ha. What else? What else? Check out my podcast on Soundcloud. It’s sick. It’s sick. Oh, and I’m sorry, we just destroyed your city.I love my life. Whooo!

[public cheering for Thor]

[Dani gives his hand for a high-five. Thor gives Dani a high-five, it breaks Dani’s hand.]

Dani: [screaming] Oh, my god!

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Thank you, Dani. Our live coverage continues after this.

[Ends with Action News seven outro]

Press Junket

Dakota Johnson

Interviewer… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Peter… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Fifty Shades of Grey press room. Dakota is doing an interview.]

Dakota: The franchise has such a dedicated fan base. So, I really wanted to make sure I did the character justice.

Interviewer: Oh, great! Great! That’s just great. Well, you can for this tomorrow in the Detroit Free press.

[Interviewer smiles and leaves]

[Kate walks to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my god! I hate these things. Please tell me that was the last one.

Kate: Dakota, you’re doing great! I promise you’re gonna like this next one. He’s a student at Franklin Middle School. Peter, you can come in.

[Cut to Peter walking in. He is dressed geeky.]

Peter: Hi, Dakota. Oh, my name is Peter Scholfinly and I always get the scoop. Especially if it’s icecream.

[Cut to Dakota, Kate and Peter]

Dakota: [laughing] Oh, my god. You’re so sweet.

Kate: Peter writes a showbiz column for the Franklin flyer. And, um, here he’s got some questions about what it’s like being a real movie star.

Dakota: Alright, just go easy on me.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Of course, of course. Well, let’s jump right in. So, in your new movie, there’s a lot of kissing. Was it gross?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] Well, Pete, when you’re making a movie, the secret is to remember that it’s all pretend.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Got it. Acting equals pretending. Now, in the film, during one of your first violent sexual encounters with Kristen Grey, he ties you to a bed, removes your blouse and blindfolds you. Right?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Yeah!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: He then uses an ice cube to trace along the body of your curves pausing at your exposed breasts. I gotta ask. Was it cold?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, yeah, it was cold.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: This is a great stuff. Ice cube was cold. Moving on…

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Peter, have you seen the movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Yes, but I might have a bit of a time crisis, so let’s limit the interruptions.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate. Kate looks speechless.]

[Cut to Peter]

Now, when Kristen shows you his playroom for the first time, you asked if there was an Xbox in there. I gotta ask. Does your character play video games?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] That’s a good question. I don’t think she does.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Alright. She prefers twisted games of sexual pain and domination.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Okay, Peter. I don’t think this is appropriate subject matter for your school paper.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Actually, that’s something for my editor to decide. So, you mind getting me a water?

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Dakota: Oh, my!

Peter: Thank you so much.

[Kate leaves to get water.]

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Ms. Johnson, to be totally honest, what I really wanna know is how do I talk to the girls in my class?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: [continuing the same question] …into choking me hard while I wear a human pony harness?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! I don’t think I can answer any more question. How were you even allowed to see this movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: My dad took me last Friday. And on Saturday. And three times on Sunday. It’s his favorite movie.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [speechless] Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Because of artists like you, my father and I get to have a little bit of time together. Well, anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.

[cut to Dakota and Peter]

Dakota: No, Peter. It’s okay. Why don’t we just finish the interview?

Peter: You mean it?

Dakota: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter: Wow, okay.  [Cut to Peter] Now, in the book, um, Anastasia says, I’m paraphrasing here, “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat. He’s my very own Kristen Grey flavored popsicle.”

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

[Cut to Peter]

Like I said, I love popsicles. What’s your favorite dessert?

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

Dakota: I guess, I like pie.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Hmm, delicious! My readers will love–

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Okay, well, Peter, I wish you the best of luck. And it was so nice to meet such a curious young man.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Wait, I almost forgot. I end all my interviews with this question. Woody or Buzz Lightyear?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, probably Buzz, I guess.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: I knew it, Ms. Johnson. I think you’re really gonna like this piece.

[Cut to a news paper article with the topic, “I had sex with Buzz”. It has photos of Dakota Johnson and Buzz from Toy Story.]

Net Neutrality

Jennifer Owens… Sasheer Zamata

Samantha Shepard… Dakota Johnson

Chris Konko… Pete Davidson

Mark Falanga… Bobby Moynihan

Veronica Davis… Leslie Jones

Vinton Cerf… Taran Killam

[Starts with Net Effect intro]

[Cut to Jennifer in her set]

Jennifer: Good evening. I’m Jennifer Owens and welcome to Net Effect where a prominent internet users help explain what’s going on in the wold of technology. Tonight’s topic, net neutrality. Joining me to discuss it is a tech blogger, Samantha Shepard.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: It’s really good to be out of house.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Aspiring Instagram celebrity Chris Konko.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I got no filter.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Self employed CEO Mark Falanga.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Tremendous. [smiles]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: And prolific YouTube commenter, Veronica Davis.

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: First…

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Now, most people barely understand what net neutrality is. Mark, would you care to explain?

Mark: Sure. [Cut to Mark] Well, you see, the net in net neutrality is actually short for internet. Which some people believe is also the web. And please excuse all the technical jargon. Who am I? Bill Jobs? [laughing]

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Okay. Samantha, what is net neutrality to you?

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Well, I think it’s like with the emojis how they made them in different skin tones. But then, they switch back to like a neutral yellow. And like, the one with the mouth, that’s just a straight line. So, you can’t tell what it’s thinking. So, like it’s, [puts her index finger straight over her lips] like that. You know?

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: So, you think it’s about the internet being neutral?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, and why would anybody want that? The whole reason I go on the internet is to read really mean comments about people. And if everyone’s neutral, what are the comments gonna be? “This video is fine. I am okay with this. I didn’t notice what race that guys was.” I mean who wants that?

[Cut to Veronica]

Veronica: And news flash! It’s not neutral, okay? That damn dress is white and gold! And if you think it’s blue and black, you need to get your eyes fixed. Coz trust me, no one has ever mistaken black for gold. No one has ever come up to me in street and be like, “Are you gold?”

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: I am sorry. But I still don’t think we’ve nailed down what net neutrality actually means.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Jennifer, this might be a little over your head. Let me see if I can explain. Internet, startups, neutrality.

[Cut to Samantha, Jennifer and Mark]

Jennifer: What?

Samantha: No, actually, I think it’s more like, okay… [Samantha joins her two fists] So, here’s the internet. And here is the stipple and open it up, [Samantha opens her fists] and here’s all the people. Right?

Jennifer: That’s new neutrality?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Wait, wait. I got better one. [Chris puts his hands in clapping position] Put your finger in here. [Cut to Chris, Samantha and Jennifer] What? I can show you the internet.

Jennifer: No, I’m not touching your fingers.

Chris: Fine! Then I just want to point out that Veronica is color blind, coz that dress is black and blue.

Veronica: Say it to my face.

[Cut to everybody. Chris and Veronica stand up in anger.]

Chris: I just did!

Veronica: Say it to my gold face you blue son of a bitch!

Mark: Hey, both of you! Both of you, sit down. Okay? This is tearing us apart! [Cut to Mark] You wanna know what net neutrality is really about? It is about pornos. It is about how fast get pornos when we want pornos. Coz when my wife goes to the store, I got 15 minutes. That is why net neutrality is the single most important issue in the history of this Unite States.

[Cut to everybody]

[Chris stands up and starts clapping]

[audience start clapping with Chris]

Jennifer: Okay! Okay, okay, okay! So, none of you have the slightest idea what net neutrality actually means?

Mark: No.

Samantha: No.

Chris: Blue and black!

Jennifer: Okay, alright. Then in that case, I’d like to welcome Vinton Cerf, who is widely credited as being one of the founding fathers of the internet.

[Cut to Vinton Cerf]

Vinton Cerf: Hi, there.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: And he’s now gonna walk around and slap each of you in the face.

Vinton Cerf: Thank you for the opportunity.

[Vinton Cerf slaps Mark. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Chris. Then Vinton Cerf slaps Samantha]

Samantha: Harder!

[cheers and applause]

[Vinton Cerf raises his hand to slap Veronica]

Veronica: Yeah, I think you better think about it, son.

[Vinton Cerf walks away]

Jennifer: Great! Well, that’s the entire show. Up next is Cable and Bits, the show about computers by dogs. Goodnight.

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Father Daughter Ad

Taran Killam

Dakota Johnson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a car pulling over in front of the building]

[Cut to Father and Daughter inside the car]

Father: Well, this is it. You need any help with your bag?

Daughter: No, that’s alright. I got it.

Father: How about some walking around?

Daughter: Dad! It’s okay.

Father: Okay. Just, um, make sure to–

Daughter: Call you when I get there? I know.

Father: Ya. You know, um, you could stay home to another year of high school.

Daughter: Very funny dad! [laughs and steps out of the car.]

Father: Well, I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.

Daughter: Ya, I’ll see you. [Daughter bends over to the car’s window] Hey dad!

Father: Ya!

Daughter: Thanks.

Father: You got it, kiddo!

[horn honking]

[sigh] Looks like your ride’s here.

[Cut to a truck full of men with guns and Islamic logo on it pulls over.]

[Cut to Father]

You be careful, okay?

[Cut to Daughter]

Daughter: Dad, it’s just ISIS.

[Daughter winks at Father and walks.]

[Cut to Daughter getting on the ISIS truck.]

[Cut to Kyle on the truck looking at Father]

[Cut to Dad looking at Kyle]

Father: Take care of her.

[Cut to Kyle nodding his head.]

[Cut to the truck leaving the area. The men are firing guns at the sky and making noise.]

[Cut to Father taking long breath]

Female voice: ISIS: We’ll take it from here, Dad.

[cheers and applause]

Emergency Room

Dakota Johnson

Leslie Jones

Mr. Samson… Taran Killam

Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]

Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.

Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.

Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]

Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?

Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.

Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?

Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?

[Cut to Leslie looking speechless]

Leslie: Here you go.

[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?

Dr. Thomas: Yes?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?

[Cut to everybody]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!

Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!

[heartbeat flatline sound]

Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

No!

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.

[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.]

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Pete: Worf?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: He dead!

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.

Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.

Dakota: Language barrier? What?

Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Dr. Worf.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Is that Kligon?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’

Dakota: What? I mean…

Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh!

[The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]

Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.

Dr. Thomas: Rawr!

Cinderella

Bobby Moynihan

Kyle Mooney

Prince… Taran Killam

Cinderella… Dakota Johnson

Cathyanne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Cinderella book. The book opens to the chapter ‘The Night of the Ball’.]

[Cut to a hall where people are dancing]

Bobby: Way to the turn out for the ball, my prince.

Kyle: Beautiful young maidens from every corner of the kingdom have assembled in hopes of catching your eyes.

Prince: Yes, but it’s always the same. Big over-stuffed dresses. Big empty smiles. They bore me so.

[Prince looks at the door]

Wait, who is that.

[Cut to Cinderella in front of the door in a blue dress.]

Bobby: I don’t know. I have never seen her before.

[Cut to Cinderella walking down the stairs while Prince is looking at her.]

Prince: Well, she is ravishing. [Prince walks towards Cinderella] Madam, you are the most beautiful vision I have ever laid eyes upon. I must know your name.

Cinderella: Oh, no. I’m just a nobody from nowhere.

Prince: Oh, please. Please, do tell me your name. I think I’m in love with you.

[Cathyanne walks in the door. She is looking untidy. ]

Cathyanne: Wow! No, hold on, hold on buddy. You are moving way too fast.

Prince: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this your father?

Cathyanne: Oh, boy! Are you rude or what? No, I am a regular woman like Michelle Robama. Thank you very much.

Cinderella: This is Cathyanne. I hope it’s okay that I brought her. She works with me as a scullery maid at my step mother’s house.

Cathyanne: That’s just a temporary job until I can get back on my feet financially.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Um, how charming. Now, young lady, I do believe you are the most beautiful person here.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne. Cinderella is getting happy.]

Cathyanne: Wow! Right in front of my face? Okay, happy birthday Cathyanne!

[Cut to Prince, Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Madam, you must leave

Bobby: Yes, you are not properly attired for this ocassion.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, you don’t like what I’m wearing? Well, you better look in the mirror. I’ve never seen pants that tight. [Cut to everybody] You better let them things breathe or you gonna lose them like my brother did. [Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne] Now, the poor guy’s all twig, no barrels.

Cinderella: Okay, Cathyanne. This is the first I’m hearing of this. Your poor brother, my goodness. Maybe the prince could help.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: Oh, no! What on earth could I possibly do about that? All I can say is condolences to your brother’s buries.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: That’s gonna mean a lot him. You know, every little bit helps.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Rather. Now, may I have this dance?

[Prince bows down]

Cinderella: Which one of us are you speaking to? Me or Cathyanne?

Cathyanne: Oh, please. Would you please get some self confidence? Okay, this is exactly why your step mother rocks the hell all over you. [talking to Prince] I’m sorry, you should meet this woman. I know you are royalty, but she is a real C-U-N-Thursday.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, may I speak with you for a minute? [Cinderella pulls Cathyanne away] Please look at me. Look how beautiful I am. I only get to be this until midnight and you are really eating up a lot of my time.

Cathyanne: Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. Hey, the prince, come here.

[Prince walks to them]

Okay, she is ready to be with you. And don’t be rude, she is drag and disease free.

Cinderella: Cathyanne, no! What are you saying?

Cathyanne: Hey, you know what? I applaud you for getting those test done coz they are scary, okay? I got my HDTV test back and it was a freaking false negative. Talk about scary.

[Cut to Prince and Kyle]

Kyle: I’m sorry. Shall I physically remove her?

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! This guy has had my number since I walked in here.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Cinderella: Please, please, let her stay my prince. I know she comes on strong and she’s not exactly everybody’s cup of slop, but she is my only friend.

[Cut to Prince]

Prince: For you my dear, anything.

[Cut to Cinderella and Cathyanne]

Cathyanne: Oh, so if she wasn’t here, I’d be gone. Interesting. I will take note of that.

[Cut to Cinderella, Cathyanne and Prince]

Prince: Yeesh! Now, if I may have this dance.

Cinderella: It would be my pleasure.

[Cut to Bobby and Kyle]

Bobby: Maestro!

[music playing]

[Cut to Prince, Cinderella and Cathyanne. Prince and Cinderella are dancing together, and Cathyanne is dancing alone beside them.]

Cinderella: This is the best night of my life.

Cathyanne: Yeah! My second best. Maybe third.

Prince: You have made me so happy.

[midnight bell sound]

Cathyanne: Oh, dang! You hear that clock? We got to get you out of here.

Cinderella: Oh!

Prince: Wait, where are you going?

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.

Cathyanne: Yeah, five more bongs like that, she’s gonna like hell in a hamburger. You think my hair is stringing? I’m sorry girlfriend, you know it’s true.

Cinderella: Yeah!

Prince: Wait, please tell me your name.

[Cinderella and Cathyanne are rushing towards the door.]

Cinderella: I’m so sorry. There is no time.

Prince: Oh, please.

Cinderella: Ah! I wish I could, but there is no time.

Prince: Well, I mean, you could have said it by now.

Cinderella: No!

[Cinderella turns around and walks out the door]

Prince: All is lost. How will I ever find her?

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: She left her shoe. [Bobby shows him white sneakers.]

Cathyanne: Hey! [Cathyanne walks in again] That is my shoe you freak! And I’m not going through these stairs again. So, come on! Throw it.

[Bobby throws the shoe to Cathyanne]

Okay, bye bye.

[Cathyanne leaves]

Weekend Update Jebidiah

Michael Che

Jebidiah Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The 57th annual Grammy awards are next week. Here with his reviews on nominees is someone who has been around for all 57 ceremonies. 1860s newspaper critique Jebidiah Atkinson.

[Jebidiah Atkinson slides in]

Jebidiah Atkinson: Thank you, Michael. It’s an honor to be here.

Michael Che: So, Jebidiah , are you excited for the Grammy’s

Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, yes. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Who wouldn’t be excited for a night long tribute to the Spotify playlist of a 12 year old girl?

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. But have you listened to all of this year’s nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I have, Michael. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] I’ve heard every nominated song and have carefully judged the merit of each. As always, I think you’ll find my reviews to be thoughtful and measured. [clears throat] This year’s Grammy’s nominees make me wish I lived in a soundless vacuum of space.

Meghan Trainor, she’s all about that base, bout that base, no talent.

U2? I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. A way to delete your album. And to answer your question Bono, without you.

Iggy Azalea. Hey Iggy, wake up and smell the Azaleas, you’re white! The last time anyone stole that much from black people, everybody is still dressed like me.

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I mean, Jebidiah , that seems pretty harsh. You didn’t like any of the nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven’t liked any Grammy nominee ever! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] It’s been 57 years of unlistenable rubbish and I’ve reviewed it all. Here are few of my classics.

Madonna. Oh, you mean the only thing Alex can still hit. No thank you. Next!

Hall and Oates. The most talented member of that group is ‘The End’. Next!

Celine Dion. Someone turn her Celine Di-off! My heart will go on? This song is bigger disaster than the actual Titanic. And I should know, I was there

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You were on the actual Titanic?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I certainly was. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] And if you as me, there were too many life boats. Oh! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che] Save it! That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Michael Che: Alright, Jebidiah , getting back to the Grammy’s. Is there seriously no nominees you ever liked? Like, ever! What about the Beatles? Everybody loves the Beatles.

Jebidiah Atkinson: Oh, the Beatles. [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] If anything, they ruined Yoko. Next!

Frank Sinatra. His only decent hits were the ones the mafia did for him. Ah!

Now we come to the worst Grammy nominee of all time, Elvis. But I probably shouldn’t do this one since the audience jumped ship over the Titanic joke.

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, you probably–

Jebidiah Atkinson: [yelling] I’m going to do it, Michael! [Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson] Elvis has left the building. Why, was there a sail across the street on Capes and Quaaludes? And those lyrics, ‘You ain’t nothing but a hound dog’. If those lyrics were any more juvenile, Michael Jackson would have tried to take napes with him. Ah! Ah!

[Cut to Jebidiah Atkinson and Michael Che]

That joke too old for you? It was too old for Michael too.

Michael Che: Jebidiah Atkinson, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

The Jay Z Story

Jay Z… Mike O’ Brien

Jay Pharoah

Taran Killam

Beyonce… Sasheer Zamata

Kanye West… Jason Sudeikis

Nas… J.K. Simmons

[Starts with black and white video clips of the streets.]

Male voice: This is the story of the greatest rapper of all time. This is the definitive funny accurate biopic that is the final word on the subject. This is ‘The Jay Z Story’, with Mike O’ Brien as Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z at the cornor of the street selling drugs]

Jay Z: Cocaine? Cocaine for sale. Wanna buy some cocaine? Hello, walked by me.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah sitting on a chair]

Jay Pharoah: Hey, you seem a little down. What’s on your mind, man?

Jay Z: I think I might stop selling cocaine.

Jay Pharoah: And do what?

Jay Z: I think I want to be a rapper.

Jay Pharoah: Shawn, that’s an excellent idea.

Jay Z: I should head back to Marcy Projects.

Jay Pharoah: You know what trends around here? You should take the J or the Z.

Jay Z: You just gave me an idea about what my fake name could be, you son of a gun.

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran in the Label office.]

Taran: Look, I gotta be honest. I got a huge kick out of the Black album and people are buying millions of copies.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: Ya, right! Are you messing with me?

[Cut to Jay Z and Taran]

Taran: No, I’m not Sha– Jay Z. You are great at rap.

Jay Z: This is insane! I can’t believe I’m great at rap.

[Beyonce walks in the office]

Beyonce: Oh, sorry. I’m early.

[Jay Z turns around and looks at Beyonce in slow motion.]

[Cut to Beyonce. Her hair is blown in slow motion. She smiles.]

[Cut to Jay Z. He stands up.]

Jay Z: I’m Shawn. Um, Jay Z.

[Cut to Beyonce]

Beyonce: I’m Beyonce from Destiny’s Child.

[Cut to Jay Z]

Jay Z: I know who you are. PS, you’re so pretty.

[Cut to video clips of Jay Z struggling in the streets.]

Male voice: A look at the Hard Knock Life of New York’s quirkiest rapper.

[Cut to video clips of Grammy’s and people recognizing Jay Z in the public. His pictures are on the front pages of the magazines.]

[Cut to Jay Z in a restaurant.]

Jay Z: You’ve been making some fantastic beats for me, Kanye.

[Cut to Kanye West. He’s also a white guy.]

Kanye West: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Jay Z and Kanye West]

Jay Z: Ay, where do you see yourself in five years?

Kanye West: I wanna be a rapper. Like you.

Jay Z: I think that…[Kanye West looks nervous] It could be amazing!

Kanye West: Holy guacamole! Ah, man! You had me so nervous. I didn’t know how you would respond to that. I didn’t think you–

Jay Z: Kanye, look at me. Your brain works like no one I’ve ever met, truly.

Kanye West: Thanks.

Jay Z: What are we doing eating these huge salads. Let’s go practice rapping. Meet me in the studio.

Kanye West: Okay, see you there.

[Cut to Jay Z and Nas. Nas is also a white guy.]

Nas: Not so fast, you turd.

Jay Z: Oh, great, Nas. What do you want?

Nas: I want you to go to hell, Jay Z.

Jay Z: How about you kiss my butt, Nas?

Nas: I would, but I can’t tell which end is your butt.

Jay Z: I’ve crossed the line and you know it.

[Jay Z and Nas are fighting]

Time out! Time out! This is silly!

Nas: This is silly.

Jay Z: Buds?

Nas: Buds.

Jay Z: See you now.

Nas: Bye Jay Z.

[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah walking in the streets.]

Jay Z: I wanna write a really great rap about New York.

Jay Pharoah: You know, that’s a great idea. You know, you should be like…

[rapping] I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to De Niro, but I’ll be hood forever

Jay Z: Hi, hello. Can I talk please? It wouldn’t be like that. I mean, you’re my best friend but that sounded weird.

[Cut to clips of Jay Z walking in the streets]

Male voice: It’s raw. It’s greedy. It’s 100% accurate.

Jay Z: Uh, rapping. To a rapper like me, it’s topnotch. I’m Jay Z and this was my story.

Super Bowl Shut Down With Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman And Marshawn Lynch

Richard Sherman… Jay Pharoah

Marshawn Lynch… Kenan Thompson

Vocal… Sasheer Zamata

Pianist… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Carroll… Taran Killam

[Starts with King5 video bumper]

Male voice: You’re watching King5, Seattle.

[Cut to to Super Bowl Shut Down set]

Announcer: It’s Super Bowl Shut Down with Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman.

[Cut to Richard]

[cheers and applause]

Richard: Hi, hello. I’m your host Richard Sherman, the greatest corner in the history of National Football League. Joining me as always is my team mate and good friend, [Cut to Richard and Marshawn] running back Marshawn Lynch. How you doing, Marshawn?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: So, Marshawn, are you excited to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Okay, Marshawn, I know that’s how you are with the media but this is just you and me and you don’t have to hid. So, what do you say?

Marshawn: Shout out to Hiden.

Richard: Oh, come on, man! Well, at least we got our 12 man band who traveled with us all the way from Seattle.

[Cut to the band. All the band members are wearing green clothes. They’re not playing music but they’re rocking their body.]

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Y’all sound loud tonight. We got the best fans in Seattle, don’t we?

[Cut to Vocal]

Vocal: That’s right. I’ve been a die hard fan since the beginning… of 2013.

[Cut to Pianist]

Pianist: Ha-ha! Coffee in rain.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now I’d like to begin the show the way I always do. By verbally assaulting someone who’s already lost. Today’s attack is going out to New York city mayor Bill De Blasio. [yelling] De Blasio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You a punk ass mayor. You call that the biggest snow storm in the history of New York? I’ve seen bigger blizzards at Dairy Queen. And you seriously trying to shut down whole city coz of that? You better learn. The only way you shut down a whole city is you put Richard Sherman on it. Boom! I went to Stanford.

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn]

Marshawn, you wanna jump in here?

Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.

Richard: Come on, man! Open up.

Marshawn: I like Skittles. Shout out to Skittles. And also, big up to Hash and Glasses.

Richard: Damn man! I shouldn’t have made this show four hours.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: But sure, the one thing we gotta talk about right is that scandal with the Patriots. A.K.A. deflate gate, a.k.a. ball gazi, a.k.a. the e-balla crisis. Patriots fans! You wanna see what a real football looks like?

[Cut to Richard and Marshawn. Marshawn hands over Richard a football with dreadlocks.]

That’s what a real football looks like! Handsome as hell.

Marshawn: Shout out to dreadlocks footballs.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Okay, now, out special guest tonight is the head coach of Seattle Seahawks. If there was ever a human dude who magically switched places with a happy ass Shaggy dog, it’s be this buy. Please welcome Pete Carroll.

[Cut to the stage. Pete walks in.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, heck, fellas! Thanks so much for having me on this dope show of your’s.  This is just well. Now, Richard, I know your girlfriend’s supposed to have a baby tomorrow but I hope to see you on the field.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Oh, it’s probably best I don’t go. Last time I was in a delivery room, the doctor tried to catch the baby and I ran it back for the touchdown. Now coach, why don’t you tell the Patriots what we’re gonna do to them tomorrow?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Alright. Well, we’re gonna get out there and we’re gonna give those sons of guns some firm handshakes. Then we’re gonna battle them respectfully for 60 minutes.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Wait, wait, what? You mean we’re gonna murder the Patriots. Then we’re gonna hunt down their families and kill them too. You hear that Brady? The yearbook voted me best smile. [Richard smiles]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s fun, my dawg. And Marshawn, how you doing over there, bud?

[Cut to Marshawn. Marshawn just shakes his head.]

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha. Is this guy great or what? Oh, man! He actually loves to laugh. Hey Marshawn, came up with a joke you’re gonna love. Knock, knock.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No comment.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s helmets.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: No!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Helmets you think we’re gonna win by tomorrow.

[Cut to Marshawn]

Marshawn: [smiling] Okay, that’s pretty good.

[Cut to Richard, Marshawn and Pete]

Richard: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick break.

[Cut to Richard]

But first, live from New York, it’s Saturday night!