Tag: Taran Killam

Casablanca

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Rick… J.K. Simmons

Victor… Taran Killam

Ilsa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening. I am Reese De’What. Welcome to Cinema Classics. Tonight, we look at the recently unearthed alternate ending to the 1942 classic ‘Casablanca’, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. Why did they make this alternate ending? I do not know. This is not why I am here. If I were to guess, I would say that the director’s girlfriend said, “Hey, let’s try one my way.” But, I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. This morning, she asked me to guess what she wanted for her birthday. And I said, “I don’t know. Some common sense and a bra that doesn’t cut your back?” Worst post sex discussion ever. Let’s look at this alternate ending now where Rick risks everything to get Ilsa safely out of Casablanca and away from the Nazis. Here we go.

[Cut to the alternate ending. Two men and one woman are walking.]

Rick: Here you go, Louis. These are the exit visas. And if you don’t mind, why don’t you fill in the names. That will make it seem more official.

Victor: Certainly, Rick, you think of everything, don’t you?

Rick: And the names are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laslo.

[Victor walks away]

[Cut to Ilsa]

Ilsa: But, why my name, Richard?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa. Rick holds Ilsa’s hands.]

Rick: Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa: I don’t understand, Richard. What about you?

Rick: I’m going to stay here with him until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa: Oh, no Richard, no! No, Richard! No, no, no! No, Richard! Last night you said we’d be together forever.

Rick: Last night, we said a great many things. And it all boils down to this. You’re getting on that plane where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, Richard, no, no! Please, not without you. No, no. I’d face any danger to be with you.

Rick: Listen to me.

Ilsa: No!

Rick: You know what waits for you if you stay here? 9 chances out of 10, you’ll wind up in a concentration camp.

Ilsa: Concentration camp? Urgh! Okay, so, is that the plane? Is it ready for me to get on it?

Rick: Last night you asked me to do the thinking for the both of us. And since then, I’ve done a lot of it. You’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, I know. Thank you. If you let me go, I’ll do it. I’ll get right on it.

Rick: Listen to me now, if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll live to regret it.

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: Wow, you give me a lot to think about when I’m on that plane. Regrets, concentration camp, it’s a lot. [Asking people around] Do you think it’s refueled yet? Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Victor]

Victor: Come again?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa]

Ilsa: I said is the plane full, you fool! Do you need help? Is there a hole or something that I can help with?

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. Look at me. Stop looking at the plane.

Ilsa: No, I know. I’m listening. I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me. Then next thing you know, I’m sitting in a CC. That’s short for concentration camp. Is that something anyone says?

Rick: Well, don’t think about that.

Ilsa: Well, you put it in my head and now all I can see is me behind bar while having to pick a child shoe.

Rick: Well, that’s not going to happen. You don’t have a child.

Ilsa: Oh, I know, Richard. But they might make me choose for somebody else. Nazis are weird like that.

Rick: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re stalling so you don’t have to get on that plane and leave me.

Ilsa: You tell yourself whatever you need to. I’ll wave at you through one of the little windows. It’ll be our thing. Okay.

[Ilsa tries to leave]

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Oh, Paris. Paris is the best. Such a cool place. Oh, look! The staircase just popped out of the plane and that’s where my little feet need to go.

Rick: I’ve got a job to do.

Ilsa: Yes, you do.

Rick: Where I’m going, you can’t follow.

Ilsa: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.

[Plane engine noise]

Oh, F words! F words! Do you hear that? That’s plane engine noises. Oh, I should go.

Rick: Ilsa.

Ilsa: What?

Rick: I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take too much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy love.

Ilsa: Oh, beans are crazy. Crazy beans.

Rick: Some day you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick! [takes a deep breath] Bye!

[Ilsa leaves]

The Magician’s Heckler

Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a magic show. There are Magician, Kenan and Blake on the stage.]

Magician: No, sir. If you’ll kindly place your card back into the deck just like that. Don’t let me see. Give it a shuffle. And what I want you to do is tap the top card. Sir, is this your card? [Magician shows the card]

Kenan: Oh, my god! That is.

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is laughing but Blake]

Blake: Not real!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: And you, ma’am? Do you still have the card I gave you and have you put in your pocket.

[Aidy looks for a card in her pockets]

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Fake. It’s just a trick.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, it’s not in my pocket.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You messed up the trick. I told you it was fake.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Oh, I see. I see. No, it is not in your pocket because it’s now in his.

[Kenan puts his hand in his pocket.]

Kenan: Oh, my! It’s right here.

[Everybody clapping]

That’s amazing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Give a hand to my two volunteers, please. [Kenan and Aidy leave the stage] Now, um, for my next trick–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Sir, can I ask you a question.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Um, I’m kind of in the middle of the show. But sure, what is it?

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: How in the hell did you do that?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Well, a magician never reveals his secrets.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, come on, man! We’re both adults.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Alright, you’re right. I’ll tell you. It was magic.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Real magic?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: That’s right. Now for my next trick, I’m gonna need several–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Make me rich.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: I’m sorry, what?

[Blake walks to the stage]

Oh, um, sir.

Blake: Use your powers and make me rich.

Magician: I can’t do that sir.

Blake: You can’t or you won’t?

Magician: Ha-ha-ha. Sir, if you’ll just have a seat.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Alright, this next trick, I’m gonna need two volunteers. How about you two? Come on, step up here. Sir, please if you’ll just step to the side.

[Beck and Kate walk to the stage to volunteer]

Great! Wow! That is a beautiful watch, my friend.

Beck: Oh, thank you. It’s an anniversary gift.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake ]Okay, now, um, [Magician gets a hat] what I need you to do is go ahead and place the watch inside this hat please.

[Beck puts his watch inside the hat]

Blake: Give me the power to know what women are thinking.

Magician: What? Now, I’m gonna–

Blake: So I can know what to say to them to get their tops off.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Please, sir. Go ahead. Hold this hat for me.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, the funny thing about time ladies and gentlemen, is that it flies.

[Magician mimics as he caught something. The he shows that the watch Beck had put in the hat is now in his wrist.]

[Magician opens the watch and gives it back to Beck]

Blake: Oh, my god! Make me rich, man!

Magician: Oh, come on dude! Now, ma’am, what I want you to do is go ahead and pick a card. [Magician places a deck of card in front of Kate]

Kate: Okay.

Blake: I wanna be able to slam dunk.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah, now I want you to write your address on the back of the card. Do not let me see.

Blake: Give me indestructible bones. Wolverine claws.

Magician: Buddy! Go ahead, place the card back in the deck.

Blake: I wanna be a black guy just for one day.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, you can all see that I am shuffling the cards.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] And, sir, what I want you to do is choose a second card.

Blake: Gun for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, don’t show it to me.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Well, go ahead. Obviously, look at it yourself.

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: And now show everybody else. [Beck is showing the card to the audience except Magician]

Blake: I want chicken nuggets with ranch.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Dude, he’s not a waiter. He’s not gonna get you chicken nuggets.

[Cut to the stage]

Blake: Activate guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah! You know what, guys! Let’s talk about this. Sir, [cut to Magician and Blake] okay, I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: Alright, I’m not gonna make you rich, okay?

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: Look, sir, I’m just trying to put on a show, make a couple of bucks.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: How are you not getting this? Please, I’m betting you. This is just a show.

Blake: Sir, I’m sorry. You’re right. Please continue.

[Cut to the stage]

Magician: Thank you. Finall, ha-ha-ha. Now, sir, [talking to Beck] have you memorized your card?

Beck: Yes.

Magician: Go ahead and place that card inside the hat.

Blake: Give me the power to go down on myself.

Magician: Alright, you want that? Fine! You have it! You have the power to go down on yourself. Congratulations.

Blake: You will not regret this! Yes! Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Blake goes to the backstage behind the curtains]

Magician: Um, ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. This has never happened before.

[Blake is making noise behind the curtains]

Blake: Activate going down on myself!

[Blake comes back to the stage]

It didn’t work, man! I did get a little bit closer, but not all the way. Could you just use a little bit more magic? I do believe in magic.

Magician: Alright.
Blake: I do.

Magician: Okay.

Blake: I do believe.

Magician: Magic isn’t real.

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I knew it! He’s a fake! I told you guys. Man, you guys are idiots. Ha-ha. He’s a fake!

[Blake leaves the stage]

Magician: I’m just joking ladies and gentlemen. Magic obviously is [he has a card in his palm. He tries to make it disappear but everybody could see the card thrown back.] very real.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Power to go down on myself!

[cheers and applause]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.]

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium]

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing]

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out]

[Cut to the media looking shocked]

[Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set]

[cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

My Darlin’ Joan

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Russle Shey… Taran Killam

Tyler Coldwin… Blake Shelton

[Starts with Topeka Today video bumper]

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby in their set.]

Sasheer: Welcome back. It’s not everyday day a 97 year old becomes a world famous song writer.

Bobby: But that’s exactly what happened to our next guest. When his wife of 70 years passed away last spring, [Cut to old black and white picture of a couple in a car] Russle Shey decided to pay tribute to her in song. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] He teamed up with a local musician and now he’s got America listening with over 2 million YouTube hits.

Sasheer: We’ve got Russle in the studio with us now. [Cut to Russle] And, aren’t you a sweetheart?

Russle: [laughing] Thank you.

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Now, Russle. How did you and your wife Joan meet?

[Cut to Russle]

Russle: Well, when I came home from the war, I’d go to the library everyday. One day I walked in and there was the most beautiful library I ever saw. And that was my Joan.

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: Aw, that’s beautiful. Also, here is Tyler Coldwin [Cut to Tyler] who has helped set Russle’s song to music. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] The song is ‘My Darling Joan.’ Please take it away.

[Cut to everybody. Tyler is playing guitar.]

[Joan and Russle’s young pictures appears at the backdrop of the stage.]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I won’t forget your sweet and tender smile
My darling Joan
you never fail to light up a room
My darling Joan
I’ll always treasure the day we met
I’ll treasure, I’ll treasure
I’ll treasure, oh, that memorable day

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: Beautiful.

[Cut to Tyler playing guitar.]

Tyler: There’s more.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] My darling Joan
you were not perfect but sure were mine
My darling Joan
you could silence a room with your nasty remarks

[Sasheer and Bobby look confused]

My darling Joan
your hatred of animals rattles my core
My darling Joan
you even yelled at me in your sleep
your body, your body
your body, it was just okay

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: I’d just like everyone to know that this is our first time hearing this song.

[Cut to everybody]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I’d hide in the closet and read my bible for strength
My darling Joan
our dinners were silent and we never had sex
My darling Joan
the only thing you loved were your expensive hats
My darling Joan
your favorite hobby was making me cry
you monster, you monster
I wish I killed you but you choked on some corn

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: So, why did you agree to help him with this?

[Cut to Russle and Tyler]

Tyler: Look, Russle’s a good guy. Plus, he’s my landlord. So, I kind of had to.

[Cut to everybody]

[The pictures of Joan at the backdrop are all made funny with pen. Russle has made horns and mustache on her.]

[singing] My darling Joan
do they let you use your humidifier in hell?
My darling Joan
does the devil let you curse him in front of his friends?

[Russle starts singing with Tyler]

Russle and Tyler: I hate you, I hate you
I hate you, now I’ll dance on your grave.
You’re in the ground
I’m alive and bugs are eating your head

Bobby: Okay! Okay! Alright! Thank you Tyler and Russle.

Russle: No, there’s three more verses.

Bobby: Nope. Going to commercial. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Topeka Today video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

Celebrity Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Adam Levine… Taran Killam

Pharell Williams… Jay Pharoan

Christina Aguilera… Cecily Strong

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

Nicki Minaj… Sasheer Zamata

Harry Connick Jr. … Beck Bennett

Steven Tyler… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the game stage of Family Feud]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud Celebrity Edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? It’s the first suit made by Hennessy. Yeah, they used to make fine cognacs. But thought that they give clothing a try. Yeah, it’s got a little pocket for a little 5 ouncer.

Okay, today we got celebrities from [Cut to the judges of The Voice] The Voice, taking on the team from [Cut to the judges of American Idol] American Idol.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

And leader of The Voice team is metrosexual lumberjack Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now, Blake, America knows you as a coach on The Voice. You ever tried singing yourself?

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Yes, Steve. I’ve sold like, 7 million Amazon on the radio all the time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Not in my neighborhood. Okay, next to Blake from the band Mark Maroon-5 is sexy, smothering, soprano scare crow, Adam Levine.

[Cut to Adam Levine]

Adam Levine: Hey! How you doing, Steve? Hope you check out my new album and my proactive commercial.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I would check out both, but I already went through puberty. And we also got fashion icon, Pharell. You looking good, playa!

[Cut to Pharell Williams]

Pharell Williams: Well, thank you. I got this hat from Smokey the Bear. All of you can prevent force fire, huh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I like you. any man who starts his day dressing from his hat down is okay with me. Then we got pop diva, Christina Alelera.

[Cut to Christina Aguilera]

Christina Aguilera: Hello, Steve. It’s an honor for this proud Latino woman.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Latino? Girl you Latino the same way Tacobell is Mexican food. And here in the American Idol team with a voice from god and hair from Jennifer Aniston, is a country singer, Keith Urban.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Steve, it’s lovely to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute. You’re Australian? Country music is supposed to be about living in the middle of nowhere and drinking beer, and starting fights. Okay, yeah, that’s Australia. And over here with her body turned up to 11, it’s Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I’m here to have fun, but I came to win!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Um, excuse me. I think this brass doll is possessed. Over here, he is the number one album seller of all time in Starbucks, it’s Harry Connick Jr.

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Thanks, Steve. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I like your music. Makes me feel like I’m in a white barber shop. And finally, one of the world’s greatest lady rockers, Ms. Stevey Knix.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: Come on, man! I’m Steven Tyler! [shouts somethings]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Steven Tyler? I don’t know, player! You look like a dream catcher came to life. Either way, let’s get two players up here.

[Cut to everybody. Blake Shelton and Keith Urban are walking to the buzzers.]

Keith Urban and Blake, look at this. You look like him if he ate one of those Super Mario Brother mushrooms. Blagaga-blgaga-blagaga. Now, how long has American Idol been on?

Keith Urban: About 12 years.

Steve Harvey: And what about The Voice?

Blake Shelton: 4 years, but we’re on our 17th season.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, NBC does run hell lot of that show. I see y’all on TV more than that Mutant-X Boogerman. Hilarious.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Okay, top 5 answers on the board. We asked 100 people. Name something you never ask a woman.

[Blake Shelton presses the buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: What did I do, Maranda?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Trouble just follows you, don’t it? Show me, ‘What did I do wrong?’

[Cut to the show screen. There is ‘What did I do wrong’ in the answers.]

Wow! [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] Man, I can’t believe that’s up there.

Blake Shelton: Well, I say it a lot.

Steve Harvey: Keith Uban?

Keith Urban: Alright.

Steve Harvey: Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Well, something I say all the time is, “Who did your highlights?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Yeah! Yeah, I once got my mustache highlighted. [Cut to Steve Harvey] I looked like a black Captain Crunch.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Let’s see, ‘How did you get the lady hair?’

[Cut to the show board. There is ‘Do you dye your hair?’ in the answers.]

Close enough. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] American Idol, you got the point.

Keith Urban: Alright!

[Steve Harvey and Keith Urban walk to American Idol side.]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I get this all the time. I’m gonna say, “Is it real?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Don’t matter. Real or not, I’m smacking it. Show me, ‘Is it real?’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not on there.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Harry Connick Jr., what do you never ask a woman?

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Steve, there’s nothing that makes a lady hit the road faster that looking her in the eye and say, “Well, you know I’m not Michael Bublé, right?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: I hear you, player. I dated a woman for three years who thought that I was Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. Show me, ‘not who she thought I was.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.] Okay, last chance. Steven Tyler, something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: I’ll tell you what, baby. If you’re talking to a woman, never bring up age.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Her age?

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: No, my age. [screams]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I see that. Show me, ‘too old to get figure.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ah, no!

[Steve Harvey walks to The Voice team]

Okay, The Voice team. You got a chance to steal.

[Cut to The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Who is prettier? You or me?

Pharell Williams: Wanna meet Robin Thicke?

Christina Aguilera: Why do you sound like Ooh-Ooh-Yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Blake, tell me something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Well, one question I see ladies get asked all the time and they really hate it is, ‘Are you Adam Levine?’

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, very good. You got me, Blake.

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Adam Levine]

Blake Shelton: Yeah, I did, pretty boy.

Adam Levine: Pretty? You really think I’m pretty?

Steve Harvey: What’s happening?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: Okay, here we go.

Adam Levine: Really?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Adam Levine: I think you’re very handsome.

[Blake Shelton and Adam Levine go below the table]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, wow! This is happening. That’s happening right now. This has been in the works for about three years. You know what? I’ma let these two work this out while I take a little bit of ‘me time’. [showing the bottle of Hennessy he had in his suit pocket.] Hennessy soup, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

The Journey

King… Kenan Thompson

Kevin Hart

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of a burning castle.]

[Cut to inside the castle.]

King: What is the word from the lower villages?

Kevin: There’s nothing left my lord. Just fires and ashes as far as the eye can see.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So it’s true that the dragon has returned.

[Cut to Sasheer and Taran]

Sasheer: May god watch over us.

Taran: What do you suggest we do, my lord?

[Cut to King and Kevin]

King: We need to find a new land. There’s nothing left for us here.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Indeed my lord. We must go. The dragon will return soon. There isn’t much time.

[Cut to everybody]

King: Very well. We must leave and never look back.

[music playing]

[singing] This was our land

it gave us seed

it bore us fruit

so stand on knees

now we must move on

move away from this land

this land we love

Cecily: [singing] we worked this land

we tilled it’s wheat

Taran: [singing] The soil beneath our feet

Sasheer: [singing] Now we must move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Move away from this land

this land we love

[Cut to Kevin looking angry]

Kevin: Hey! Hey! What the hell was that?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King: We’re preparing ourselves to move away from here and on to a distant land.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, man! We don’t have time for that. We need to go out this door before this dragon comes and kill us.

[Cut to everybody. Kevin walks pass them.]

Let’s go.

King: Yes. We must make haste before the creature returns.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Exactly. Now, come on man, let’s go.

[Cut to everybody]

King: On to a new land.

[singing] This land we find–

Kevin: Wait! No!

King: It’ll be our land

Kevin: Ay, this is messed up, man!

Taran: We’ll travel across sea and sand

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna start packing for you guys.

[Kevin leaves]

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, is this your shirt?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

Kevin: I’m just asking, is this anybody’s shirt right here?

Cecily: Move away from here

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay! Whose little pants are these? Are these my pants?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: This land we love.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: My bad! These are mine. I got them in black and brown. I remember. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna take everything. I’m going to put them in this bag and sort it out when we get there. [Cut to everybody] Okay? Cool. Let’s go.

Taran: Yes, we must come closer to our new homeland, with each step we take.

Kevin: Okay. [pointing at the door] Then can we take one step please? Come on, man! We gotta go. Let’s get out of here.

[dragon screaming.]

That was a dragon scream. My butt hole just got this tight. No, no, man! Listen. No more fooling around, okay? Lose the vocals, y’all! It’s time to go. Grab the great juice and let’s get to moving. [Kevin is pushing everybody towards the door.]

King: We’re ready. Lead the way!

King and Cecily: [singing] Open the door and lead us all

Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Then close the door after we go

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Shut up! Just shut up. Shut your mouth! You guys don’t get it, okay? Everybody outside of this window right here is dead. Do you wanna end up like them?

Taran: No! [Taran starts singing words]

Kevin: You are a loser! You hear me? A loser! You know what? Look at what’s going on out here. Look at this.

[Kevin opens the curtains of the window. Outside is a big dragon eye looking at them]

Ah! Ah!

Taran: Oh, I get it. The dragon. We should go.

Kevin: Finally, took you all day.

Leslie: Hey! [Cut to Leslie] Aren’t you forgetting something? Like, your wife?

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin: Oh, man! Not this!

Leslie: [singing] You leave me here

I’ll kick your ass

I’ll hunt you down

and well on your ass

Now, let’s move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer, Taran and Leslie: We must move on.

[Everybody is leaving]

Kevin: Oh, so now you all wanna move on coz she said something? That’s all that took? My wife to come out here?

Soap Opera Reunion

Nancy… Aidy Bryant

Winnie Mayhood… Kate McKinnon

Rodney Soddet… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Tucson… Sasheer Zamata

Maggie Margaret Bond… Venessa Bayer

Debbie Frost… Cecily Strong

Martin… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Nancy Che in her set]

Announcer: We now return to Nancy with your host Nancy Chase.

Nancy: Okay, guys. Yes, we are back. And for all you fans of the long running soap opera Fairwood Manor, this segment is for you. Because for the first time in almost 10 years, we have reunited the original cast. Exciting right. So, let’s bring them out. [cheers and applause] Please welcome Winnie Mayhood.

[Winnie Mayhood walks in]

Rodney Soddet

[Rodney Soddet walks in]

Elizabeth Tucson

[Elizabeth Tucson walks in]

And last but never the least, Maggie Margaret Bond.

[Maggie Margaret Bond walks in. Background sound changes to a funny sound when she walks in.]

Alright, it is so great to have you all here.

Rodney Soddet: Very lovely to be here.

Winnie Mayhood: Wonderful.

Elizabeth Tucson: Thank you so much.

Maggie Margaret Bond: You know, it is super. But guys, did anyone notice that my play on music sounded a little different?

Elizabeth Tucson: What do you mean?

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh, I just mean that everyone had beautiful sweeping music and mine just seemed a little more like a choice.

Rodney Soddet: Oh, here she goes again.

Winnie Mayhood: I didn’t notice.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Well, whatever. Maybe it was just me. It’s so wonderful to see everyone again.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Okay now, you guys, I have another surprise. Over the coarse of the show, her character Nicki successfully killed herself more than 15 times.

[Cut to the guests]

Elizabeth Tucson: What? Debbie’s here? Oh, my god!

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Please welcome, Debbie Frost.

[Debbie Frost walks in]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh my goodness, it’s Debbie. Debbie, I haven’t seen you in ages.

[Maggie Margaret Bond stands up and goes to hug Debbie Frost. The same funny sound starts playing.]

Okay, now, I know that that’s not in my head. My walking music is different than everyone else’s.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I guess. You know, I’m not hearing but let’s bring out sound director Martin. I bet he can help us here. Can we get Martin out here?

[Martin walks in]

Martin: Ay, everybody. It’s a great show so far.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Hi, Martin. Um, I’m just curious. Do you think that you could play the same pretty music for all of us? Because I’m starting to feel singled out. You know, in a bad way.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t speak English.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond getting confused.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: What?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Actually, I speak it. I just don’t understand it. Again, I’m sorry.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, um, that doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to Nancy and Martin]

Nancy: Well, it is true. Actually, Martin learned just enough English to be able to do his job.

Martin: Thank you for clearing that up for me. Yeah, it’s crazy though. Yes.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, alright, fine. Okay, here is my issue. Just watch what happens when they walk and then when I walk.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Maggie, drop it. Your music is fine.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Can you just walk around please?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, beautiful music.

[Cut to everybody. Rodney Soddet starts walking. The background music is beautiful.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Now, watch what happens when I walk.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, music I picked for her.

[Cut to everybody. Maggie Margaret Bond starts walking. Funny music starts playing.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: This is what I’m talking about. Do you see? [Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond] I’m starting to take this personally, okay? Like, the dumpy music means that I’m dumpy or something.

Martin: Hey! [Cut to Nancy and Martin] Hey! Listen, I don’t understand English. Can you please respect that? [Martin turns to Nancy] Why can’t she respect that?

Nancy: I wish I knew.

Martin: No! You and me both. I mean… Listen, excuse me guys. I have to get back to work, okay? [Martin speaking to the mic] Cue, Martin’s exit music.

[Party music is playing. Martin starts dancing in the middle of the stage and then leaves.]

Nancy: Alright, thanks Martin. Amazing job as always.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, I’m sorry Nancy, but I’ve basically had enough.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Oh, Maggie! So did we.

Elizabeth Tucson: Don’t be like that.

Maggie Margaret Bond: No! I don’t feel supported here. And I’m leaving.

[Cut to the stage. Maggie Margaret Bond stands and walks few steps and the funny music is playing. As she stopped walking, the music also stopped. With every step she takes, a funny sound plays.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Argh!

[Maggie Margaret Bond storms out of the stage with the funny sound.]

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I seriously don’t know what she’s talking about. That music sounds fine to me. We will be right back!

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.]

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.]

[Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.]
James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring]

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing]

[still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.]

[Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing]

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

[music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.]

[the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]

Sam Smith Dr. Evil Cold Open

Sam Smith… Taran Killam

Dr. Evil… Mike Myers

[Starts with ‘Very Somber Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: Live from the north of England, its a very somber Christmas with your host Sam Smith.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to 1 standing. There are Christmas decorations behind him.]

Sam Smith: [singing] Stay with me,

like a Christmas tree

star goes on top it’s clear to see

darling, stay with me

Hello, I’m Sam Smith. Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love, which is why I’m alone. I’m so very happy that–

[the video gets disrupted]

[Cut to 2 sitting on his chair caressing his cat.]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Evil: Hello.

[cheers and applause]

Hello, I’m Dr. Evil. I’ve preempted this program because I’m furious that North Korea and Sony Pictures have both given evil organizations a bad name.

[He puts down his cat]

I mean, what the F, people? It’s just so pathetic to see you two fight over a silly comedy. It’s like watching two bald men fight over a comb. Who cares? Sony, North Korea, it’s time to get a trapper keeper and some loose leaf, coz I’m about to take you to school. Let’s start with you, North Korea. You’re one of the most evil countries in the world and your act of war is to kill a movie? It’s easy to kill a movie. Just move it to January. Look, I know Kim Jong Un. We went on a Viking river cruise together. I recommend it. It’s breath taking. Let me put it this way. Kim’s not with it. He still watches laser discs.

But, back to the hackers. First of all, the name. Well, you guys were just sitting around and pitching it was one guy like, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s call ourselves the Guardians of Peace, or the GOP. Hello! Way to go, A-holes! There’s already a GOP. And they’re already an evil organization.

[applause]

What are you gonna do next, GOP? Ask for $1 million. Been there, done that. Smoked it. Humped it. Called it an Uber. Still, I suppose you have to give credit to the North Koreans. I haven’t seen balls like that in Pyongyang since Dennis Rodman changed into his shorty shorts. But why pick on Sony? They haven’t had a hit since the Walkman.

Come on, Sony. You thought it was joke to have James Franco assassinate Kim Jong Un. The man single handedly almost killed the Oscars. Think! Think!

Look, I saw the interview. It was charming. But if you really want to put a bomb on a theater, do what I did. Put in the love guru.

And finally, I have one last thing to say. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[cheers and applause]