Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

The Adventures of Young Ben Carson

Elizabeth Banks

Richie… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Jay Pharoah

Mom… Leslie Jones

Black Jesus… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Ben Carson’s Book and the newspaper articles]

Male voice: The media went after him pretty hard even though he’s one of the most accomplished doctors in all the land. A true American success story. But I knew him before all that. Back when he was just another brother from the streets of Detroit. Back when he was young Ben Carson.

[Screen showing “The Adventures of Young Ben Carson”.]

Adapted from the stories of Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Detroit in 1968. Elizabeth, Richie and Sasheer are talking in the street.]

Elizabeth: And he thought Richie would back down.

Richie: Yeah. So I told him, “Don’t listen to me. [showing his handgun] Listen to my two friends. Smith and Wessen.

Elizabeth: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sasheer: You think that’s bad. You ought to meet my boyfriend Ben.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: Did somebody say my name?

Richie: Ben?

Ben: Yeah, what are you doing in this neighborhood? Like a Muslin in the White House, you don’t belong.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Wait, what?

Richie: [fake laughing] You’re out there Ben, you’re crazy, man!

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben. Sasheer looks worried.]

Ben: Excuse me? What did you say about me?

Sasheer: Ben, don’t. Your temper. He’s mad now!

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Really? He’s angry?

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben.]

Really?

Ben: [speaks calmly] I am hot with rage. And right now, I’m about to go off. I feel like I might have to cut you.

[Ben takes a knife out]

[Sasheer screams and runs away]

[Cut to Ben, Elizabeth and Richie]

Here comes with the quickness.

[Ben is moving slowly towards Richie]

Elizabeth: Quick! Stick out your belt.

[Ben hits Richie’s belt buckle with his knife and drops it]

Ben: Ah, man! Blocked by a belt buckle. This happens all the time.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Ben, what are you dong?

Ben: Oh, my ma. We were just playing.

Mom: Get off these streets and back in the library. You’re going to ruin your future and end up in jail.

Ben: I can’t go to prison, my ma. People go to prison straight and come out gay. I’m not ready to be gay.

Mom: That don’t make no sense, Ben. And open your damn eyes.

Ben: Oh, my eyes are open, my ma. Wide and full of rage. Now it’s time to open your’s.

[Ben fetches a hammer]

Mom: Oh, damn! He got a hammer!

Elizabeth: Quick, put this belt on your head.

[Elizabeth puts a belt on Mom’s forehead.]

[Ben is about to hit Mom]

Male speaker: Halt!

[Ben looks around to see who it is]

Ben: Who is that?

[Cut to Black Jesus walking in. He is walking on smoke and wearing a white robe.]

Black Jesus: It’s me, black Jesus.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Amazing.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Black Jesus: Open your eyes, my son. Why are you out here on the streets acting like a fool? You know I created humans like you to be the most evolved species.

Ben: But evolution isn’t real or we’d have the fossils to prove it. And those fossils don’t exist.

Black Jesus: Not so sure about that. But you still need to act right. You have a higher purpose, Ben. Someday, you’ll save hundreds of lives. Inspire thousands of kids, and make millions of people say, “How did he get up there?”

Ben: But black Jesus, I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?

Black Jesus: I guess.

Ben: Fantastic. Let’s go get our portraits painted together.

Black Jesus: Well sure, as long as you put it up in your house.

Ben: Alright.

[Cut to a picture of Jesus and Ben Carson doing high-five. Their bodies are drawn like in kid’s school.]

Black Jesus: And we were friends. Best friends. We went to Yale together. We separated twins together. We went to Egypt and saw the ancient grain silo. [Picture has Ben and Mom, and there are pyramids behind them.] That’s a lot of grain.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Ben: Everything black Jesus said came true. I became respected surgeon and a multi-millionaire all in America that today is very like Nazi Germany.

[Black Jesus clears his throat]

Black Jesus: Oh, Ben. You crazy. Haha.

Ben: [looking disappointed] What did you say about me?

[Ben pulls his knife out]

Black Jesus: You gonna cut Jesus?

[Cut to The Adventures of Young Ben Carson outro]

[The End]

Talking About Ghetto

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Megan… Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four ladies eating in a restaurant]

Cecily: I like the food here but the bathroom is ghetto as hell.

Sasheer: So ghetto.

Megan: Oh, my god. Yes.

Cecily: Like they sell those like, double faucet sink.
Vanessa: I know. I hate that. Like, what year is it? Please get it together.

Sasheer: Yeah. Speaking of ghetto, I took an Uber X here and for the first time my driver picked me up in a busted ass Toyota. And literally, his wife was in the front seat.

Megan: Whoa! That is so ghetto.

Sasheer: It was the worst.

Vanessa: Oh, my god. I would have just walked.

Cecily: Megan, how’s your living situation?

Megan: Oh, so ghetto. I’m still living with that poor family in low income government housing. And my roommate, Mr. Odis lost his job at the car wash again. So he doesn’t have his part of the rent for like, the millionth time. And now he’s back to selling pot again. So our apartment’s like, always filled with randoms.

Sasheer: You mean, literally in the ghetto?

Vanessa: Um, sounds really awful.

Cecily: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Megan: And the landlord was like, banging on our door all frigging night because he needs the rent money ‘right now’. For god knows what. And I’m like, “What the hell? Who needs $285 at 3 am. So ghetto.

Vanessa: So, yesterday I ran out of Sriracha and had to put Texas Pete in my Pad Thai.

Sasheer: [laughing] So ghetto.

Cecily: I had to eat sushi with a fork coz the delivery guy forgot to bring me chopsticks.

Megan: [laughing] The elevator in my building was broken again. So, I had to walk up like, 17 floors upstairs. Even though ones they go outside. And there was just like, some baby standing in the staircase. And he is literally wearing a pamper. Nothing else. I mean, how ghetto is that?

Vanessa: [nodding head] Um, very.

Sasheer: Was the baby okay?

Cecily: Did you call the cops?

Megan: Oh, as if. I freaking took out my phone to dial 911 and the baby literally said to me, “Snitches get stitches, bitch.” And I’m like, “Um, OMG. You’re literally three years old right now. What are you even saying?” And then he asked me if I was in Instagram coz apparently I have a fatty for a white girl.

Vanessa: Um, that’s actually the most ghetto thing I’ve ever heard.

Sasheer: Ya, why do you live there? Aren’t your parents loaded?

Megan: I mean, barely.

Cecily: Um, so, I went out for drinks with this guy and he literally asked me to split the bill.

Sasheer: Ew! That’s so ghetto.

Vanessa: I can’t even imagine. Guys are like, so cheap.

Megan: Ah! I asked to J’Marcus for a drink. He took me to a bodega. He bought me a gallon of fruit punch for $1.09 and then was so pissed that they raised the price 10 cents.

Cecily: Who is J’Marcus?

Megan: Oh, you know those nine guys that are always standing in front of my building?

Vanessa: Um, the guys that are always in winter coat even in the summer time?

Megan: Yes. But the one that’s always shirtless holding a pitbull leash but no pitbull on it.

Cecily: Okay.

Sasheer: Ya. I mean, he makes me so mad. One time I asked him to buy me cigarettes and he literally just bought me two. Two loose cigarettes. They weren’t even the same brand. It’s so ghetto.

Sasheer: Megan, you gotta get out of that neighborhood.

Cecily: Seriously, why are you there?

Megan: Coz, it’s only eleven bucks from the train. I’m in the city under two hours. And they have the best tacos.

Vanessa: Oh, I friggin love tacos.

Cecily: Right. I’ll basically eat anything from a truck.

[Jay walks in. He walks in with a shopping cart. He looks homeless.]

Jay: Ay! Is one of y’all name Megan?

Megan: Okay, that’s my Uber cart. So, see you gals.

[Megan gets on the cart]

Jay: So, you want some gum?

[Cecily, Sasheer and Vanessa are waving bye to Megan]

Cecily: That crackhead’s cart is so ghetto.

Vanessa: Um, let’s stop saying that forever.

Cecily and Sasheer: Yeah.

[The End]

Horny Song

Elizabeth Banks

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with five women’s music video intro. They’re all wearing white outfits.]

Elizabeth: Hey, boys. We love all of you. But this song is for a few special men.

Kate: The ones who ignited our flames.

Vanessa: Who opened our eyes.

Aidy: And who first taught us how to be truly horny.

Cecily: [singing] I was in seventh grade, watching Tiara
when I had a feeling I had never felt
It was Carson Daily in normal jeans
and the blackest nails I had ever seen
I got up on the couch
and I knocked my first one out

Kate: 1996, I first heard about
started getting sweaty in my thermal top
Dala Hanslin’s lips and his long blonde hair
the most gorgeous woman anywhere
and that’s how I could tell
that I was gay as hell

All: You let the spark inside of me
you let my teeny tiny boobies free
yeah, we never met and we never will
but I thank you still coz I first got horny to you

Elizabeth: My guy was hot as hell, a real authority
it was Mr. Sheful from the Nanny
he was so refined, it made me insane
but I still don’t know that actor’s name
I look him up on my phone
just a second we’re alone

[music stops. Elizabeth is looking for him on her phone and all the other girls are watching.]

Charles Johnassy

Girls: Oh! Hmm…

[music begins]

Vanessa: Okay now, it’s me, mine is pretty bad
its those guys who kill their mom and dad
and the Mendez brothers, they were cute and young
I think Eric was the hotter one

Elizabeth: Vanessa, this is on TV

Vanessa: Oh right! Then I’ll say JTT.

All: You let the spark inside of me
you were my porn in 1993
and I never saw you without a shirt
but it still works, coz I first got horny to you

Aidy: I came alive back in 94, I felt for a carnivore
that’s right, the hunting son from dinosaur
I would sit on my hands and scoop
to a man in a lizard suit

All: You let the spark inside of me
other time just for me
I was on pillow put it down
and just go to tell when I first got horny to you

Kate: So horny, yeah!

All: When I first got horny to you
coz I first got horny to you

[Cut to the dinosaur opening his dinosaur mask in front of Aidy. He is so old that Aidy starts screaming out of fear.]

[The End]

Elizabeth Banks Monologue

Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Banks.

[Elizabeth Banks walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Banks: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I hope I look okay. I just came from the gym. You may know me from the Hunger Games movies where I play Effie Trinket. I think we have a couple of Trinket heads in the audience tonight.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney wearing wig and make-up as Effie Trinket in the audience]

Kyle: [Screaming] Yes!

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks]

Elizabeth Banks: Now, most of you probably know me as an actress but I also recently caught the directing bug. That’s right. I directed Pitch Perfect 2. And I honestly don’t know what I like more. Being in front of the camera or behind it because I really see things as a director now. Like, I’m noticing that this shot is just a scooch tight. You’re kind of losing the dress. Let me ask our director. Hey Don.

Don: Yes, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Banks: Do me a favor. Pop out a smidge.

Don: You got it.

[The camera zooms out a little bit. You can see Elizabeth Banks’s dress better now.]

Elizabeth Banks: Perfect! Great! I might give a few more notes as we go.

Don: Please don’t.

Elizabeth Banks: Oh, no. That’s right. It’s your show. It’s just… ah! I’m so unbelievably excited to be up here right now. So, I’m gonna take this one. Cue music.

[music playing]

Lights to half.

[Lights dim a little]

Yeah, that’s nice. Microphone.

[Someone hands over a micto Elizabeth Banks]

And cue talent.

[singing] First when there’s nothing
but a slow blowing dream

B camera.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from B camera angle]

That your fears seem to high
deep inside your mind

Give me a close up.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from close up shot]

All alone I have cried

Too close!

[Close up shot slowly zooms out]

silent tears for the price

Better.

In a world made of steel
made of stone

Let’s loose this dress and get funky!

[two helpers come in and start opening Elizabeth Banks’s dress.]

Well I feel the music

Cue, snow.

[artificial snow stars pouring on the stage]

close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Go stars!

[a sparkling star appears on the screen]

Round, take a whole of my heart

Up to the sky cam.

[Cut to Elizabeth Banks from the top Ariel-view angle]

What a feeling

Cue dancers!

[four white dancers join Elizabeth Banks on the stage]

please believe it.

More diverse dancers.

[two black dancers join them]

I can have it all
now I’m dancing for my love
take a pressure

Star wipe!

make it happen

More star wipes!

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

Cue, the treadmill.

[Elizabeth Banks walks on the treadmill on the stage.]

Now, I feel the music

Green screen.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking on the clouds.]

close my eyes, I am rhythm

Downtown.

[The screen shows as Elizabeth Banks is walking in a downtown street.]

in a flash, it takes whole of my heart
like this big octopus.

[The screen shows an octopus behind Elizabeth Banks]

What a feeling
please believe it

I’m gonna cross, follow me camera.

[Elizabeth Banks runs to the middle of the stage]

I can have it all now
I’m dancing for my love

Count in, we have a big finish.

[Cecily, Bobby, Taran and Sasheer come in and dance]

Take your passion

Not Bobby. Lose Bobby.

[Bobby leaves the stage]

make it happen

Sasheer’s got a GoPro.

[Cut to shot from Sasheer’s GoPro. Elizabeth Banks is looking at the camera as the camera is moving.]

pictures come alive
you can dance right through your love

[Center up]

For the feeling!

[The song ends. Taran, Cecily, Elizabeth Banks and Sasheer do the ending pose. Bobby runs in and does the ending pose too.]

[cheers and applause]

Okay! I got it out of my system. We’ve got a great show. Disclosure is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list. Because the real crime is high prices.

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle is Trump Supporter

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.

[Drunk uncle slides in]

Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!

Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.

Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.

Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Colin Jost: They don’t what?

Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.

[singing] This is how we do it.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?

Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?

Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.

Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?

Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there!

[Cut to Michael Che looking confused]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?

[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin]

[Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.]

[Cut to Drunk uncle]

Drunk uncle: You were saying?

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.

Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

[singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words]

[Drunk uncle starts sobbing]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!

Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.

Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–

Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.

Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.

Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of industrial smoke and China’s flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new data, China is burning 17% more coal than their government had previously stated. And don’t try to say it was a mistake, China. Coz we know you did the math right.

[Picture changes to baseball players celebrating the win. It reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

This week Colin Jost spent three days in his dressing room crying like a bitch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of baseball players celebrating the win that reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

Colin Jost: Then I found out the Mets lost.

[Picture changes to Ali Khamenei]

Iran supreme leader Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant ‘Death to America’ saying that it does not mean death to America, but instead refers to America’s policies. You know, sort how like the people outside are chanting ‘Dump Trump’ but they really just mean, “What are his ideas on healthcare?”

[Picture changes to a map picture of California and condoms]

California is considering a new law that would fine actors in pornographic movies up to $70,000 if they don’t wear condoms. Said the porn industry, [porn music playing] “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to us if we don’t have the money?”

[Cut to Michael Che. He is looking Colin Jost with shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s book ‘Crippled America’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why do you still think porn has music in it? [Colin Jost laughing] This week, Donald Trump released his new book ‘Crippled America: How to make America great again’. And while some are taking offence at the use of the word ‘Crippled’, I’m more concerned about his used of the word ‘Again’. Like, what years are you talking about specifically, dude? Whenever a rich old white guy start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, all those years of progress, Trump’s gonna really go with, “Nah, I think we had it right the first time.”

[Picture changes to Taco Bell logo]

A Taco Bell executive has been fired after a video was posted of him assaulting an Uber driver. I cannot believe Taco Bell has executives. I thought all their decisions were made by wheel of nonsense words.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

In an attempt to re-vitalize his campaign, Jeb Bush launched a new slogan, ‘Jeb can fix it’. Which is true if the problem being fixed is a treat to another Bush presidency. Jeb has released a new book of emails that he sent to voters while he was a governor of Florida that he is calling ‘Reply All’ and voters are calling ‘Unsubscribe’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and democrat logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Obama criticized republican presidential candidates for complaining about the recent debates saying that if they can’t handle CNBC moderators, they won’t be able to handle Putin and the Chinese. And if you can’t handle Putin and the Chinese, you’re only gonna get two terms as president.

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

While Ben Carson had a real interest in week. First, he said that the Egyptian pyramids were actually built by the biblical Joseph to store grain. Sure, makes sense. Then he had a defense stories about his violent past after CNN couldn’t find anyone to verify them, which is always great when you’re running for president and you have to say, “No, guys. I swear. I really did stab my friend.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yes. Ben Carson, what is going on with you? You are the first black man in American history to turn down an alibi. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson] That would be like if OJ said, “Hey, give me that gun back again, man! I think I can make it fit. Let me try my stabbing hand.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then last night, Dr. Carson lashed out of the media for digging into his past saying, “What’s next? They’re gonna find my kindergarten teacher who said I peed in my pants?” But at this point, Dr. Carson, I think we’re more worried it will turn out you didn’t graduate kindergarten, or you claim to pee your friend’s pants. And then they find your friend and he’s like, “I never had pants.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And now, Ben Carson is complaining that no one ever vetted President Obama like this. Are you serious, dude? Even after Obama was elected president twice, they still made him show ID just to get into the White House.

[Picture changes to a birth certificate]

[whispering] And I’m talking about the guy who is hosting this show.

[Picture changes to ‘Trump Michael Che0Colin Jost6 sign.]

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.

Trump’s Tweets

Donald Trump

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Donald Trump sitting on a couch]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not going to be on the next sketch. It was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn’t want to rehearse. You know what? It’s still going to going to be great. And since I can’t do it and be in it, I’ll do the next best thing, I’ll live tweet it. Sit back, relax, enjoy the sketch and enjoy my tweets.

[Cut to Cecily and Taran at a restaurant]

Taran: Ah! I have got to say there is nothing more romantic than celebrating our honeymoon here in Italy.

Cecily: Aw, I’m so sad this is our last night in Rome.

Taran: I know. Tomorrow, it’s back to Cleveland.

Donald Trump’s tweet: This sketch is not funn. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Cecily: Ha-ha. I’m so excited for dinner. You know, the guide book says this is the most romantic restaurant in the city.

Taran: Ooh!

Cecily: Yeah.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Cecily Strong is not a nice person.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Taran: Ah! Well, the menu says that the place is family run and the couple who owns it has been married for fourty years.

Cecily: Aw, that’s so sweet. I think that will be us one day.

Taran: Oh, it better be.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Yeah right. Who would marry @TaranKillam? He’s an over-rated clown.

[audience laughing]

Taran: Why are people laughing?

Cecily: Is he tweeting bad stuffs about us?

Taran: I don’t know. I can’t see.

Cecily: Okay.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Welcome to Amore, the most romantic restaurant in all of italy.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Kate McKinnon was born stupid.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Okay. So, I am Carmela. And back in the kitchen is my husband Javani. We are in a middle of a huge fight but don’t worry, it won’t affect your meal tonight. Now, let me tell you about the special. First up we have the ‘my husband is stupid’ spaghetti.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Not funny.

Kate: [In Italian accent] We also have ‘I can’t stand my husband’ cavatelli.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon. ‘I’m a low-class slob.’

Kate: What’s it? What is he saying?

Taran: I don’t know.

Kate: [In Italian accent] And finally for dessert, we have ice-cream-you-scream-we-all-scream-at-my-husband.

Donald Trump’s tweet: I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.

Kate: Is he ripping us apart?

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. He definitely is.

Taran: I don’t know why. He has been nice all week. [Cut to Taran] I mean I know he likes me .

Donald Trump’s tweet: Oh great, more screen time for super dud @TaranKillam.

Taran: Well, Carmela, I think we are ready to order.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Oh, great! But before you do, my husband Javani has some corrections to the menu.

[Kenan walks in looking very concerned]

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Hi. I am Jevani.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Who’s this nobody?

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Tonight, I am out of steak. I’m out of emotions. I am out of a patience with my wife Carmela

Donald Trump’s tweet: An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson’s birth certificate is a fraud.

Kenan: What? What do you think he just tweeted?

Donald Trump’s tweet: Sorry folks, but add a “y” to “Kenan” and you get “Kenyan.”

[audience laughing hard]

Kenan: Probably something with like, Kenan and Kenyan right?

Kate: I know.

Cecily: I mean yeah.

Taran: That’s exactly what it is.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Anyway. Please don’t let my husband ruin the mood. Your night should be romantic. That’s why our grandson little Luca is now gonna sing a song for you.

[Cut to Vanessa dressed as a little boy.]

Vanessa: I don’t wanna be in this sketch anymore.

[Cut to Kate and Kenan]

Kenan: Vanessa, you have to. This is live.

[Cut to Vanessa]

[music playing]

Vanessa: [singing] When you have too much wine
so you scream all the time

that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is an average talent and a total loser.

Vanessa: What’s he saying? Is it about my teeth? [yelling] These aren’t my real teeth.

[singing] When my nana throws plates at my no-nose dump face that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.

Vanessa: Cut away! Cut away from me.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily, Kate and Kenan]

Taran: Vanessa. You can’t do that.

Kate: No.

[Leslie walks in with Vanessa]

Leslie: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m sorry y’all. I’m sorry to interrupt this sketch. [laughing] Sorry Lorne. But you guys, y’all have to see what Donald Trump is tweeting about y’all. He hates you Taran. He hates you.

Taran: Me? Why?

Donald Trump’s tweet: I have tremendous respect for Leslie Jones. She’s a winner.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] Hah! He just tweeted about me. He hates y’all but he likes me. I love you too, Donald.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Thanks Leslie. AndI love the blacks.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] What?

[Leslie rages towards the camera]

What you! You is a mons–

[Video shuts down]

[The End]