Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Weekend Update on the Trump Administration

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hello, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And well, one week has passed since Donald Trump’s been elected president. Now, it hasn’t been great, but it also hasn’t been good. Or, even fine. So, half of the country is worried that Trump is going to make America unsafe for women and minorities. The first guy he hired was [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] former chairman of Breitbart news and fitness enthusiast, Steve Bannon. Oh, that face though. Breitbart news has been criticized by the left for being a sexist, racist, white nationalist news site. Hah! Strong words. I don’t know if I’d call it a news site. Calling Breitbart news site is like calling the R. Kelly sex tape a romcom.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump also nominated Alabama senator Jeff Sessions for attorney general, even though Sessions was denied a federal position 30 years ago for making racist remarks. But you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, wait 30 years until history lurches backwards. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] The thing that’s surprising me most about all these peeps is how lazy they are. They’re just whoever’s lying around Trump’s office. He basically did a Yelp search with a radius of 10 feet. At this point, if you just wandered into Donald Trump on the street and you are wearing a suit, there’s a 90% chance he’d make you secretary of education. And half of the guys he is picking have been unemployed. Is this what he meant by bringing jobs back? I think Trump is just surrounding himself with people who make him look better. I mean that was kind of the point of Celebrity Apprentice. People think Trump’s a great businessman because he is, compared to Brett Michaels and Lou Ferrigno.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Donald Trump was surprised by the scope of the responsibilities of a president. Yeah, dude. Being president is hard. That’s why Obama looks like he spent eight years in a turkey smoker. Obama is the only guy that gave up cigarettes and somehow looks worse. You know, I don’t even think Donald Trump ever wanted to be president in the first place. I mean nobody is judging a swimsuit contest with Dennis Rodman while also wanting to bring back jobs to rural Pennsylvania. I think he just wanted to win the election because everybody said he couldn’t. It’s like dating. Chasing someone as hard to get is always more fun that the actual relationship. He just liked the chase. He enjoyed wooing America for 18 months, he loved making crazy promises, even when the media was saying Trump was crazy, he was just like, “Baby, stop listening to your dumb fat friends. They’re just jealous.” And it worked somehow. America said yes. But now the chase is over. And the relationship starts. And it’s not fun anymore. He’s getting texts from Dennis Rodman in the middle of the night like, “Bro, let’s go hit up a pageant.” And he’s like, “I- I can’t man. She’s making me put together cabinet. I promised her a wall. I got to have dinner with China. I don’t like this.” Clearly, he’s not ready for this commitment. That’s why every time America brings up moving to DC, he’s like, “Yeah, babe. I think I’m gonna keep my place in New York.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Trump Tower and White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence which would cost tax payers tens of millions of dollars. But it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go night-night in his big boy bed.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

One thing I keep hearing all week was, “Can you believe Trump is doing this?” Yeah, it’s Trump. His whole platform was about how he’s not gonna be a normal president. The only real model we have from Trump presidency is the movie First Kid. But I’m just worried it might all end, less like First Kid and more like Independence Day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Major media outlets such as CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times have criticized Trump for walking back his more controversial campaign promises. But shouldn’t the media be encouraging him when he is moving in the right direction? I mean, maybe if you ran complimentary headlines, you could trick him into doing what you really want. For example, instead of the headline that says, “Trump breaks promise to lock up Hillary Clinton”, maybe try something more positive, like, “Heroic Trump saves grandma.” Or you could change, “Trump flip flops on repealing Obamacare” to “Generous Trump honors unemployed black man’s last wish.” You see, you’ll like that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mike Pence on Friday was ‘booed’ by the audience after seeing the Broadway hit Hamilton. Of course he was ‘booed.’ He’s the guy from Indiana who believes in gay conversion therapy. Visiting Broadway is how people from Indiana realized they’re gay.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a magazine with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson on front page at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People magazine’s sexiest man alive is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Yeah. He once again beat his long time rival Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson. [Picture changes to The Rock with mustache]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

I am so proud of that joke. [laughing]

Colin Jost: President Obama this week criticized the spread of fake news on social media. But can we really trust a guy who is also a secret gay alien? [picture changes to a fake news article as ‘Obama is secret gay alien’.]

[Picture changes to a millipede]

Scientists have discovered a species of millipede that have four of it’s legs modified to act as penises. And we actually have some footage of the millipede. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video of millipede walking. There’s edited sound of a man saying “ouch, ouch, ouch” when the millipede is walking.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New Balance logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Neo-nazi group has declared New Balance, the official shoes of white people. But if New Balances are the official shoes of white people, then what are crocs?

[Picture changes to a horse and a lion]

A man on an African safari fell off a horse while being chased by a lion. “Well, that was a close one”, said the horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of tinder logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The dating app tinder announced their new feature this week with give users 37 different gender identity options. It’s called, “Why democrats lost the election?”

The Bubble

[Starts with video clips of election rallies]

Male voice: The unthinkable has finally happened. Out nation torn, broken. [Cut to a couple watching TV looking worried]You could move to Canada, but you love your country. What can a person like you do?

Kyle Mooney: What if there was a place where the unthinkable didn’t happen? And life could continue for progressive Americans just as before?

Sasheer Zamata: Now, there is.

Female voice: Welcome to the bubble.

Sasheer Zamata: Coming in January 2017, the bubble is a planed community of like-minded free thinkers. And no one else!

Kyle Mooney: So, if you’re an openminded person, come here and close yourself in.

Female voice: In here, it’s like the election never happened.

Kyle Mooney: Well, who knows what the hell is happening outside in their America? The bubble will be a fully functioning city state.

Sasheer Zamata: With things everybody loves. Like, hybrid cars, used book stores, and small farms with rawest milk you’ve ever tasted.

[They are using a dollar bill that has Bernie Sanders’ picture on it.]

Kyle Mooney: That’s more likely. Even though you’re in the bubble, you’ll still stay connected to the world outside.

Sasheer Zamata: We’ve streamlined our high speed internet with onlythe good sites. Like, Huff Po, Daily Kos, Netflix documentaries about sushi rice and the explosive comedy of McSweeney’s.

Mikey: [reading something in laptop] Hmm, clever.

Sasheer Zamata: Need entertainment? The bubble has so much to do.

Kyle Mooney: Go to a bar and get engaged with a wider range of diverse view points. The bubble is a diverse community and safe space for everyone. We don’t see color here. But we celebrate it.

Female voice: And unlike the rest of America, anybody is welcome to join us. One bedroom apartment starting at $1.9million.

Sasheer Zamata: Planning is under way to give you everything you need.

Kyle Mooney: Except, police are firemen. Coz we haven’t found anyone who agreed to live here.

Sasheer Zamata: It’s their America now.

Kyle Mooney: We’ll be fine, right here in the bubble. Join us, starting in 2017.

Male voice: The bubble, it’s Brooklyn with a bubble on it.

Thanksgiving Parade

Nate… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Woody balloon… Mikey Day

Madeline balloon… Kristen Wiig

Clown balloon… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with short video clip of Macy’s parade]

[Cut to Nate with his friends at an apartment. There are two kids playing.]

Nate: So, does this beat thanksgiving in Pennsylvania or what?

Kyle: You know, it’s really nice. Thanks again for having us.

Nate: Hey, when my baby brother says Rugrats want to come to Unkie Nate’s apartment and see the parade balloons up close, I answered with a resounding, “No, prob.” But seriously, how about this pad, huh? Damn! Would you kill for this place or what?

Vanessa: It’s really something, Nate. I don’t even want to know how much you paid for this place.

Nate: And… I don’t wanna tell you. [laughing] But it’s $28,500 a month.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Alright, that’s enough, Nate!

Nate: Oh, look who finally decided to join the living? Sleep well, Tess?

Cecily: You know what? It’s just too early for like, the full ‘Nate’ right now. Okay? [to the kids] Hey you guys, did I miss the balloons?

Vanessa: Oh, no. I think they’re starting now.

Kyle: [to the kids] Ooh, guys, hey look. It’s Woody from Toy Story.

[Woody balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh, my gosh. Look, you guys. Oh, wow, he’s right there. Say hi to Woody, kids. Oh, my god. Hey, this is so incredible.

Nate: I know, right? It’s even got steam shower.

Cecily: She’s not talking about the apartment, Nate.

Nate: She should be, it’s sick.

Vanessa: Oh, look! I think another balloon is coming.

Kyle: Oh, yes. it’s Madeline.

[Madeline balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh my gosh! She’s my favorite. You guys, I used to love those books.

[the balloon turns toward them]

Kyle: Hi! Guys! Hi, Madeline.

Vanessa: Hi. Um, is she getting closer?

Kyle: Yeah, um, you know what? It’s probably just the wind.

Vanessa: Um, does that normally happen, Nate?

Nate: I don’t know. I usually go to the Islands for thanksgivings, but um… [gets scared of the balloon as it’s too close] Whow!

Kyle: It’s okay, kids. It’s just a little windy and that makes it hard for the people on the ground to control the balloons.

[Madeline balloon passes. A clown ballon comes in.]

Nate: Oh my god! Oh, no!

Vanessa: Ah! It’s horrifying.

Kyle: It’s just one of those vintage balloon. Vintage balloons, they’re bringing back this year, guys.

Vanessa: I don’t know if I like seeing the balloons so close.

[Woody balloon and Madeline balloon also comes in]

Kyle: Wait, it seem to be sort of… they’re bunching up together. What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah. Yeah. I see the hold up. Kristen Chenoweth is singing some sort of song down there.

Vanessa: Oh, okay, let’s go by uncle Nate. Maybe you can see better. Okay? Let’s go right over here.

[Vanessa pulls their kids to another corner. As they move, the balloons turn their heads wherever they’re moving.]

Are they following us?

Cecily: Alright, um, yap. Yap, they’re definitely following us.

Vanessa: Honey, the kids are scared. Can you–

Kyle: Yes. Yes. Of course. I know they’re kind of scary up close, okay? But there is nothing to be afraid of.

Vanessa: Why don’t these balloons just leave.

[The other balloons are gone. But now, there’s a girl in Madeline balloons hand.]

Is that stupid song done yet?

Nate: Oh, man! Somebody got tangled up in Madeline’s cables.

[The girl is screaming]

Cecily: Oh my god! Is that Kristen Chenoweth?

Vanessa: Oh, that poor woman. She is so small.

Kyle: Kids, kids, Kristen Chenoweth is going to be fine. Okay?

[Kristen Chenoweth falls]

Okay, you know. Um, let’s go. Let’s go to bedroom and watch TV. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Nate: So much for defying gravity.

Cecily: Nate!

[Woody balloon and clown balloon are tangled together like they’re having sex.]

Nate: What the hell is happening.

[The End]

Target Commercial

[Target commercial for Thanksgiving starts]

Female voice: It’s thanksgiving, and as always, Target has your whole family covered. Whether you need festive home decor, last minute bakeware, or even a turkey. And if you’re home for the first time since the election, Target’s got what you need the most. A big empty parking lot you can just come sit in for a sec.

[A woman pulls over at the parking lot and takes a deep breath.]

With over 500 beautiful empty spots as far as the eye can see, Target’s parking lot is the perfect place to stare out, band your head on your steering wheel, or text a friend “I honestly can’t with them today.” You can even put your seat all the way flat and then put it back up again. That took a couple of seconds. Or turn off your car’s ignition and just look at your breath for a while. And while you’re there, why not make eye contact with a stranger in another car? And without either of you saying a word, communicate the entire story of your day.

Wanna kill more time? Head inside. You can wander at clothes Aisle and think to yourself, “Oh, yeah, Masimo.” Plop down by our bras and add random numbers on your calculator. Or go to our toy section and just lay down back there. And here’s a tip, check out the play dough. Open the blue one, and surprise, we hid a flask in there for you. Bottoms up, girl. You deserve it. So this thanksgiving, tell your parents you’re going to brag something from Target real quick, come kick it, then go home and tell them they didn’t have it. It’ll be our little secret. Target. Buy yourself some time.

Target staff: You do have to pay for all this, though.

Woman: What?

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

[cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.

[buzzer]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.

QVC Auditions

Joyce Childers… Cecily Strong

Joe… Bobby Moynihan

Christie Berkie… Kristen Wiig

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with video title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers in her closet]

Joyce Childers: Hi, I am Joyce Childers and I am making this video in order to audition reel for the guest host position at QVC. As you can see, we are in my closet because, my forte is closet. Well, organization in closet. And I am realizing right now that my panties are all behind my head. And now I look like a pantie addict. Thanks, Joe!

Joe: What? I thought it was good.

Joyce Childers: It’s not good, Joe. And now you’re in my shot. So, let’s just do it again. Please, just let’s do it again.

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hi. I’m Christie Berkie. And this is my audition reel for guest host for QVC. Right away, I just wanna say I do know that my friend and neighbor Joyce Childers is auditioning as well. She is an amazing person. But I do think she is– no. I’m not gonna say anything bad. No. I’ll just say that all of my friends think that– no. I just said I wasn’t gonna say anything bad. She is what she is. You can always just google her, which I think you should, and stuff will come up. I love her.

Um, okay, accessories. We are currently in my necklace room. And what I wanna show you is–

[dog crying]

Oh, my god! I just stepped on the dog. He can’t be here, Louis!

Louis: I didn’t know.

Christie Berkie: Peanut has to be in his crate. And now that’s one point for Joyce coz I look like a dick that kicks dogs in the butt. Great! Start over. Cut. Great, Louis.

[Cut to with title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers. She has her panties removed this time]

Joyce Childers: Hi, it’s me Joyce, future QVC host. I just– I ant you guys to know that QVC is my number one dream and every single person that knows me has said that I was born to do this. And there are people out there that are okay with like, hijacking dreams because– um– [breathing heavy] I have to– um, I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Are you okay?

Joyce Childers: No. Joe! Please don’t come over here. You stress me out. Just… I gotta go. Walk around. Just, please do not follow me and do not touch anything. I am fine. Okay.

[Joyce Childers walks out]

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hey guys, it’s your gal pal Christie Berkie here to show you how to dress up any work outfit and give it a touch of sparkle and glam with clip-on glamour baubles. [Christie Berkie shows a necklace] Look how this glistens in the sunlight.

[Joyce Childers is peeking through the window glass]

Was that Joyce? Did I just see Joyce in our window?

Louis: That was Joyce.

Christie Berkie: What is that bitch up to? Anyway, we’ll cut around all this. Okay. This imitation crystal pieces will enliven any–

[Joyce Childers throws dirt on Christie Berkie’s window and looks at her.]

I see you! I see you, get over here!

[Joyce Childers opens the window]

Joyce Childers: What?

Christie Berkie: What are you doing? What are you even doing?

Joyce Childers: What are you doing? Stealing dreams that friends know is for me?

Christie Berkie: That is not good English. You will never make it with that kind of English on QVC.

Joyce Childers: [mocking] “On QVC, on QVC.” That’s what you sound like. Get your own life.

Christie Berkie: I have it! I have a life. Stop talking about that because I have it.

Joyce Childers: Maybe I should take it away! You see what this is in my pocket? [trying to bluff]

Christie Berkie: I don’t know what that is Joyce. Okay? I have no idea.

[Joyce Childers lifts her shirt a little. We can see a gun handle out of her pocket]

Joyce Childers: What do you think that handles to?

Christie Berkie: Oh, is that you gun? Is that what that is? Louis, she brought her gun. Surprise! Surprise! I guess she’s going to kill another person on accident.

Joyce Childers: Well, if I do it, will you stop stealing?

Louis: Joyce, don’t be a fool.

Christie Berkie: Look, this is all going to QVC. This is all going to QVC, Joyce.

Joyce Childers: No, it’s not.

Christie Berkie: Yes, it is. This is my audition tape. And I can have it be whatever I want.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Honey, what are you doing here?

Christie Berkie: Your wife is going to shoot us through our window.

Joe: Ah! It’s not a real gun. It’s from a play I’m directing.

Christie Berkie: Oh, my god! Joyce! You are such a joke!

Joyce Childers: Oh, really? Well, you wanna know what’s a better joke? Your husband is gay and I know it because he is sleeping with my husband.

[Joe and Louis walk away]

I hear them every night in our baby’s room just going, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want it.”

Christie Berkie: Stop it.

Joyce Childers: Okay, Christie, are you going to send that to QVC? Coz I’m sure they’ll love that.

Christie Berkie: Get out of my house!

Joyce Childers: [screaming] Ah!

[Cut to QVC video bumper]

[Cut to Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie hosting the show together]

Christie Berkie: Well, guys, that hour just flew.

Joyce Childers: I guess that’s just what happens when you guest host QVC with your best friend.

Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie: Keep shopping, you guys.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar]

[singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock [an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.” [Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face [Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in]
but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were 10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea [Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on]
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria [They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn. [two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream [Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.