Category: 2017

Dive Bar

Treese Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Larry Fontanelle… Ryan Gosling

Raj… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Dirtrisha… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Treese and his band playing in a bar]

Treese: [singing] And that’s what she had all of the stuff in her hands, oh yeah, mmm.

Yes. Beautiful. [The audience at the bar are clapping] Hello and thank you for spending your Sunday with us at Mickey’s End Zone. This is about football, right? We’re just warming you up for the football game that will play on a tiny television that is located directly behind us at the level of our middle backs. But we will move, right? We will move.

Larry: We will move. We will move at one point.

Treese: That’s right. At one point, we will be moving.

Larry: We’re gonna move.

Treese: And then, you can watch your heavenly Cardinals trying to outsizzle your Niner fours. Yes. [Treese picks the TV remote and turns the TV off] A little later. But right now, [Cut to Treese] is there a tiny tissue? Does anyone have a tiny little tissue or a towelette perhaps? I have to admit that I ran all the way here.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: From where, my man?

Treese: Dirtrisha’s house. She tried to show me a part of herself that I was not ready to receive.

Larry: I have just found a Kleenex.

Treese: Oh, nice.

Larry: Here you go. [passing Treese the tissue]

Treese: Oh, great! Thank you very much. Let’s hit it!

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
I wonder who’s going to Kaepernick take a knee

Hello, everyone. I am Treese Hinderson. Allow me to introduce you to my band. To my immediate left and on the keyboard is Raj.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: This keyboard is a wild animal tonight. [playing keyboard solo] Yeah!

[Cut to Treese, Larry and Raj]

Treese: And on my right, Mr. Larry Fontanelle on his rock n’ roll flute.

[Cut to Larry. He is playing flute horribly.]

Larry: Thank you. Yes. [Cut to Treese and Larry] Thank you for calling it a rock n’ roll flute. It’s not just a flute. It’s deeper than that.

Treese: Oh, I know it is. I remember the first time I called it just a flute and you kicked me directly in my underbags.

Larry: I felt them on the top of my shoes.

Treese: Yes. Hey, real quick. Is that girl that you are dealing with still being problematic?

Larry: Let’s not go there. Not here.

Treese: Well, I think it would be good for you to talk about it.

Larry: But I have been advised not to.

Treese: Oh, so they’re planning to investigate further?

Larry: Yes.

Treese: The attorneys?

Larry: that’s how they introduced themselves. Yes.

Treese: Because the husband found out?

Larry: There’s more to it than that.

Treese: Well, what does that mean? There was one husband, and extra dude, and you?

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Just let the man be, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it here.

Treese: Oh, you are a mystery just like Daniel Craig.

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
make sure the grass is dry before you take a knee

Whoo! Whoa, look at this lovely couple down front here. How are you guys feeling?

[cut to Beck and Heidi]

Beck: Just curious about what happened with your rock n’ roll flutist.

Heidi: Yeah. I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with that guy.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: I know, right? You would think that as his roommate, he would share more of what’s going on with his life with me.

Larry: Ask me in private and I’ll tell you.

Treese: Well, I never see you in private. You just go right into your room.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Leave him alone, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: Well, I mean, is she preggo? You know? Full with child? PG? Is she PG? Because if she’s PG, I would like to make you both a little something from build a bear.

[phone ringing]

Larry: My phone. Sorry. I have to answer this. Hello.

Treese: Who is it?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, officer.

Treese: Officer? Well, that’s either the police or the military. Is it the police?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, that’s where I live.

Treese: Well, I do too. I mean your roommate.

Larry: [speaking on phone] What do you mean the broken window?

Treese: What window? Was it in the front room? Did they access the common area?

Larry: [to Treese] Will you shut up for a second? [speaking on phone] Uh-huh. So they sacked the place?

Treese: Sacked? Did they get my good jeans?

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry. What was that?

Treese: Are they there now? Ask them if anyone has seen my good jeans.

Larry: [to Treese] Can you calm down, man?

Treese: But these are my good dark jeans. I can wear them with my big tops. Ask about the jeans.

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry, but did you happen to see any jeans?

Treese: Good jeans.

Larry: No, good jeans lying around. Okay, I see. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]

Treese: What did they say about my jeans?

Larry: They didn’t see any good ones there.

Treese: Oh, it must be that girl’s husband that you are in love web with. They took my good jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
taking the knee but not in my good dark jeans

[Cut to Dirtrisha in the audience. She is holding the jeans Treese is talking about.]

Dirtrisha: [yelling] Treese!

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Look what I got, your favorite thing in the world.

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, it was you? You have my good jeans?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Nobody runs out on me. [Dirtrisha tears the jeans apart]

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Ah! Oh, my good dark jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing]

[singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
football knees get down on the football screen

Enjoy the game, everyone. [The power cuts] And we just lost power. Perfect! Okay, perfect.

Another Close Encounter

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Tod… Ryan Gosling

Rafferty… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]

Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.

Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.

Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.

Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.

[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”

[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]

Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.

[Tod stands]

Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

[cheers and applause]

Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.

Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.

[Cut to all]

Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.

Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.]

[Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Memorial Day Weekend

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, memorial day weekend is approaching. Here with the look at the early summer weather is our own Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, Michael, here comes that summer and ooh, it’s a fun one.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Oh, Dawn, your’e back already? You were just here and it really didn’t work out.

Dawn Lazarus: Hey, it’s the last show and I’m going to sneak that in.

Michael Che: Are you okay? It’s kind of hard to understand you.

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. That camera-camera make it nervous and yeah?

Michael Che: Am, okay, Dawn, is it looking nice for memorial day weekend?

Dawn Lazarus: The better believe that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus] While it’s time to pack at that sunscreen and protect those skins because yeah, it’s hot and hot. So if it’s beach and park, stay hydrated and water that mouth.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Okay, so far it seems like you’re saying it will be sunny.

Dawn Lazarus: Yep.

Michael Che: Any other specifics like the entire country’s gonna be sunny or —

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, in the west coast that’s no surprise. Sun is always a wow. But hey, if it’s north are you, that’s looking a lot of bit in overcast. But hopefully, no god damn rain. And that’s the cast for you.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. I’m sorry. But I really didn’t catch any of that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus’s set. She’s not there] Dawn? Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus walks back]

Dawn Lazarus: Ep?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: So, I guess you’re done? You’re not going to sign off?

Dawn Lazarus: Oops, and that’s what happened in your neck of the what.

Michael Che: Alright. Dawn Lazarus, everybody! She is better. Much better.

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it has been a wild year here. And here with his thoughts on the past year and the years ahead is drunk uncle.

[Drunk Uncle slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Drunk Uncle: Woo-hoo-hoo. Hello! Season 42, baby! Make America drunk again! Wheee! What’s up, Colin? Come on, man! Pound it out.

[gives his fist to pound]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Whites!

Colin Jost: Wait! No, that’s not–

Drunk Uncle: Down south? [gives his hand to tap]

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Send the black there.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not– So drunk uncle, how have you been?

Drunk Uncle: How have I been? Amazing! Baby! President Trump! Finally, a white guy has a chance to make America great again. You know? Because Trumpy, oh, that little Trumpy, he’s putting America back to worm again, Colin. You know? Um, these kids today, they don’t even have summer jobs anymore. You know? When I was twelve years old, I was life guard, waiter, book store/zoo keeper, exterminator, mall Santa.’

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said you were a mall Santa in the summer?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: What? I mean I asked people to sit on my lap. So, kind of. You know? And all these kids these days, all they care about is, “Can you Venmo me a face app?” “Excuse me! Is this pomegranate gender fluid?” Bleh! Here’s an Instagram story, go to church!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! This is–

Drunk Uncle: [yelling] Yeah! I thought La-La-Land should have won. Why is everybody so sensitive now-a-days? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] You can’t even call it Nintendo Switch anymore. You gotta call her Katelyn.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Are these– We have the meats–

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts revolving on the chair]

Drunk Uncle: Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. [laughing] You know, one time, I asked a fidget to spin and she said the correct term is little person. Ghostbusters should be men!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Drunk uncle–

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: [singing] Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down
never gonna [singing gibberish]

[Drunk Uncle starts crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Drunk uncle.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not Baywatch beach body, okay? So I am not Groot, okay? So I’m not a Fast a Furious, okay? Vroom! Vroom! That’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Shh! [Drunk Uncle is poking Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes, it’s in there. Yes. Fully in my mouth.

Drunk Uncle: You’re my best friend.

Colin Jost: Oh. That’s insane. Best friend?

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Do a shot with me. Do a shot with me.

Colin Jost: Do  as hot with you?

Drunk Uncle: Come on! One for the road, please? Just do one shot.

Colin Jost: But I can’t. I’m here–

Drunk Uncle: Do one shot with me, right? Come on! [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Drunk Uncle: Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright? For you, I’ll do one shot.

Drunk Uncle: Okay, you first. [Drunk Uncle pulls out a gun] There’s one empty chamber and five bullets.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Plan B One-Step’ in vending machine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The University of California Devis has installed a new vending machine that sells ‘Plan B’ emergency contraception. While at Florida state, they just shoot it out of T-shirt cannons at half time.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a woman wearing a colorful dress at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An artist recently completed a dress made out of 10,000 Starburst wrappers. Nice try, said a stiff breeze. [Picture changes to stiff breeze wrappers]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of men wearing rompers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A kick starter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called Rompim. As a victim of the beating was wearing a Rompim.

[Picture changes to a prison cell]

A new gym has opened in New York called Con Body which looks like a prison and features workouts developed by former inmates. So, you might want to shower at home.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of China map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in a small town in China have given into animal rights activists and made it illegal to sell dog meat. So, good news animals. Free dog meat!

[Picture changes to Dwayne Johnson]

A new poll shows that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson would beat Donald Trump in hypothetical race for president. That’s true. [cheers and applause] The Rock would also beat his long time rival, Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Okay. I know I said this last week but this week was crazy. Obviously, Trump’s not done yet but let’s just say [Picture changes to Mike Pence pitching at baseball field] Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bowl pitch. With the White House reeling from allegations of obstruction justice, president for now Trump said point blank, that he never told FBI director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up real dilemma who are you gonna believe? The head of the FBI or the guy who is definitely lying.

[Picture changes Donald Trump and James Comey]

It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he will public announce that Trump was not under investigation, which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of Law&Order and the husband asked the detectives, “So when are you gonna announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?”, that guy definitely buried the lady in the woods. A friend of Comey also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The justice department has named Robert Mueller as special council to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. Now, this should make Trump very nervous because Mueller is a former director of FBI. And FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud or sex island. You know, typical stuff. So, Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out he’s being investigated by a Kentucky Kernel. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] And you can tell Trump knows that heat is on because he tweeted out, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” I guess he’s right. It is pretty great! President Trump also said in the speech that no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like [Picture changes to Ja Rule] Ja Rule is a festival organizer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported yesterday that president Trump told a Russian official, “I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy. A real nut job.” Which actually makes sense. Coz the only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters and Scott Baio. [Picture changes to Scott Baio]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and James Comey]

Comey is probably so normal that to Trump, he seems insane. He’s like, “You got to meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, own zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!” In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was also reported in that same meeting that Trump revealed classified intelligence. Well, of course he did. He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunt handles church gossip. I beat everything he leaks to Russia starts with, “Russia girl, sit down.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Saudi Arabia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow’s going to be exciting because president Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.

[Picture changes to the White House]

It has obviously been a tough start for the Trump administration. So, we just want a moment to look back and remember all the people Trump has lost this year.

[cut to slideshow of pictures of Paul Manafort (resigned), Michael Flynn (forced to resign), Chris Christie (thrown under a bus), Rudy Giuliani (wooden stake), Sean Spicer (Shhh, he doesn’t know yet).]

Scorpio

Steve… Dwayne Johnson

Linda… Cecily Strong

Sue… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with comic pages turning]

Male voice: I was just an ordinary guy… until the extraordinary happened. [scorpions are biting this guy. After that, he has become strong and now is fighting as a hero.] And extraordinary is just what this city needed.

[Cut to Linda speaking on phone in her office]

Linda: Maximilian is no joke. He is destroying the entire north side of the city. I can’t even get reporters on the field. It’s too dangerous.

Steve: Linda! [Linda gets scared as she thought she was alone. Steve is in his super hero costume.] Don’t be afraid.

Linda: Steve?

Steve: It’s me. I am, well, different.

Linda: What? What happened?

Steve: It’s hard to explain. But now I possess the super abilities of a scorpion, enhanced strength, deadly grip and venomous sting. With my powers and this armor that I created, I vow to become the vigilante this city needs. I came here to say goodbye just in case I don’t come back.

Linda: That’s incredible, but hold on. You made that?

Steve: What? The suit?

Linda: Yeah! You sewed that?

Steve: Yes. Yes, I did. Now this city won’t need to–

Linda: It’s gorgeous.

Steve: You think so?

Linda: I do. You made it with your own hands?

Steve: Yes, I did.

Linda: When?

Steve: Oh, just last night.

Linda: In just one night?

Steve: [laughing] Yes. It’s really easy once you settle on the… what’s it? Oh, silhoutte.

Linda: Steve!

Steve: It’s Scorpio now.

Linda: Scorpio, this is insane. Like, your super powers include impeccable tailoring?

Steve: Well, I- I had that from before.

Linda: From before? Oh, my god! I just noticed the little zipper on the side.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

[Sue and Aidy walk in]

Sue: I heard Maximilian attacked a hospital.

Aidy: Oh my god! What is this outfit?

Linda: He made it.

Steve: I made it. I made it.

Sue: Shut up. No, you didn’t.

Aidy: Okay, the zipper is–

Steve: I know, I know. It’s a little wonky. I just rushe because the hospital was going to explode.

Linda: Girls. Look, the little scorpion on the buckle matches the detailing on the shoulder.

Steve: Oh, but let me ask you. You don’t think it’s too much, do you? Because I was worried that the buckles might be a little too much.

Linda: No, no. Like, if I saw it laid out on a table, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s too much.” Seeing it on you, I’m like, “No, it’s perfect.”

Aidy: Yeah. I love that the fabrics are a mix of high and low. Honestly, for me it’s a full yes.

Steve: Oh, great. Well, you know, I didn’t want to be too matchy-matchy.

Sue: I feel like it could use a scorpion on the chest.

Steve: No.

Aidy: Disagree.

Steve: God, no.

Linda: Too literal.

Steve: No. I want it to feel like scorpion by suggesting themes like danger, poison, night. And it’s a very earthy color story.

Sue: yeah. But I just think it could be a cool–

Steve: No, I know, but it’s a garment, it’s not a costume.

Sue: Alright. Alright.

Steve: Yeah. I mean scorpion on the chest. What? Do you wear a blouse with like “Sue’ written on it?

Sue: Alright!

Aidy: Oh, dear god! I didn’t see the back.

[Steve turns around. There’s a big hole at the back.]

Girls: Oh!

Steve: Thank you. I just wanted a little, you know, like, [slaps his own butt] umm!

Sue: Look at that butt!

Steve: Oh, it’s– it’s padded. Shh.

Steve: Could you make something for me?

Aidy: I honestly feel like this might be your thing, Steve.

Steve: Scorpio!

Aidy: Scorpio. I need to see a whole collection from you, Scorpio.

Sue: Yeah. Being a superhero is a skill, but designing is a talent.

Radio: Maximilian threatens to blow up city hall in five minutes. This city needs a hero.

[Steve turns the radio off]

Steve: I made a capelet for winter missions. Would you guys like to see it?

Girls: Oh, yes!

[Steve pulls out his cape with scorpion print]

Linda: What? How did you get it to not crease at the seams?

Steve: Yeah. I actually cut it along the bias.

Aidy: Oh, I cannot!

[explosion sound]

Linda: Oh, my god! City hall.

Steve: Should I design wedding dresses?

Sue: Yes! Please!

[Ends with a comic picture of a Scorpio Boutique]