2017 Archives - Page 13 of 27 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

RKO Movie Set

Howard… Beck Bennett

Janet Charmpagne… Banessa Bayer

Brock Tenderson… Dwayne Johnson

Operator… Mikey Day

Sound Guy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with some actors getting ready for filming in RKO Studios, 1948.]

Howard: Everyone, quiet on set. Alright, our stars have arrived. And we’re ready to shoot this thing. We are very lucky to have two of today’s biggest talents, Hollywood icon Janet Charmpagne and up-and-comer Brock Tenderson

Brock Tenderson: Ah, thank you, Howard. I’m very excited.

Janet Charmpagne: Yes, Howard. Thank you. What a treat. I missed RKO pictures almost as mush as I miss the three-bean salad in the commissary.

Howard: Hmm, alrighty! We’re starting with scene eight, everyone. Let’s go.

Brock Tenderson: You know, Janet, before we begin, I just wanna tell you that, um, to work with you is a dream for me.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, please. Treat me like a normal woman you would meet on the street. Deal?

Brock Tenderson: Deal.

Howard: Alright. Let’s try one.

[Operator walks in with a clapperboard]

Operator: ‘Murder by numbers.’ Scene eight. Take on.

Howard: And, action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson are acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband’s trying to kill me.

Brock Tenderson: Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep.

Janet Charmpagne: No. You don’t understand. He wants me dead. Please. I don’t know who he is anymore. Please, just let me stay here with you. [Janet Charmpagne farts] Um, I’m sorry. I think I need to cut. I made a mistake.

Howard: Um, what was that, Janet?

Brock Tenderson: Um, I think she would like to cut.

Janet Charmpagne: Because I made a mistake. Did sound hear it? The mistake I made?

[The sound guy is nodding his head yes]

Let’s do it again. I am so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: Oh, well. I’m so thrilled to be here with you in this scene.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, good attitude. How wonderful is this man? This is going to be a good movie. Let’s do another one.

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight.

Howard: And action!

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? [farts] My husband is trying to kill me. [farts] [walks to Janet Charmpagne] [whispering] Okay, just say your line.

Brock Tenderson: Okay. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being comple– [Janet Charmpagne farts] completely hysterical. Go home to your husband and get some sleep. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: I’m going to stop because I think I did too many mistakes in a row. I’m so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: You know, don’t say another word. I’m just happy to be here, breathing the same air as the Janet Charmpagne.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh! You’re sweet.

Howard: Are you ready to try again?

Janet Charmpagne: We are. And good news, I don’t think there will be any more mistakes. I think I’m out of them.

Brock Tenderson: Ah! Well, if that’s the case, I think this is going to be the one. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: You’re a very classy man.

Brock Tenderson: And you are a one of a kind, shining star.

Janet Charmpagne: Then let’s make history. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight, take three.

Howard: And action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband is trying to kill me. [whispering] I’m doing it.

Brock Tenderson: Thanks. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep! [whispering] Oh my god! Well done.

Janet Charmpagne: I know. I’m controlling it. Please, I don’t know who he is anymore. Just let me stay here with you. Just or tonight. [Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson kiss]

Sound guy: Yep, no farts at all.

Howard: This is great.

Brock Tenderson: This is a start of something very dangerous.

Janet Charmpagne: [laughing] You’re telling me. [as Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson hug each other, Janet Charmpagne farts very long]

Howard: Cut!

Brock Tenderson: I’m sorry, Howard. That was me. That was my brand.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop it Brock. Taking the fall for my long mistake.

Brock Tenderson: Hey, as long as you’re a star, you make them as long as you want.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop being so marvelous all the time. Where did we find him? Are there more– [Janet Charmpagne farts] of him?

Sound guy: Are we on break? Because I could really use a cigarette.

[Sound guy pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He’s about to light the cigarette]

Howard: Richie, no! Don’t!

[When the sound guy lights the fire, the studio explodes by the fart gas]

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro]

[music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Millwood High School

Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Dwayne speaking at the podium. There are four students around him]

Dwayne: Alright, seniors. Well, give it up again for the recipients of the Eugene Dwalf Scholarship. Now, each and every single one of you will receive $25 towards your college tuition.

[the students leave]

Now, for the fun part, as you know some of your senior class mates have put together an amazing skit performance looking back on this incredible year.

[four seniors walk in]

Beck: Man! Four years? I still can’t believe we’re seniors.

Kyle: Yeah. This has been one crazy ride.

Bobby: But now, it’s coming to an end.

Vanessa: Yeah. And I actually heard some special guests were gonna be stopping by to celebrate the–

All: Class of 2017.

[music playing]

[They all dab]

[Bobby wears a Deadpool mask]

Bobby: Ola, it’s me Deadpool. Congrats. It’s time to make the chimi-changas!

Beck: I’ll take the Deadpool chimi-changas over the roast beef in the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily]

[now, they have bicycle handles. They are impersonating the Stranger Things.]

Kyle: Something isn’t right. Are we in the upside down?

Vanessa: No, we’re graduating, bro.

Bobby: Man, that’s a stranger things.

[Beck is eating cookies]

Kyle, Vanessa nd Bobby: Eleven!

Beck: No, it’s just two. [showing two cookies.]

Dwayne: [laughing] Oh, my god! That was Stranger Things. I mean, god! I’m gonna miss you crazy fools. Once you graduate, I guess we could start hanging out. Yeah!

[Now, Kyle has a wig on]

Beck: And the Oscar for the most amazing senior class goes to…

Kyle: La-La-Land.

[Vanessa runs in and gives Beck a piece of paper]

Bobby: Oh, no! I’m Jimmy Kimmel. There has been a mistake. It’s actually…

All: All the Millwood seniors.

Beck: Man! That was a huge mistake. Just like ordering the roast beef at the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily]

Pete: [to cook] Ha-ha-ha. Your roast beef sucks.

Dwayne: Ha-ha. It’s crazy coz it is bad beef. Alright, it’s an amazing observation, guys. I can’t believe it’s just three years before we can all drink together. Oh, it’s gonna be great. Okay, shut up. Shut up. Yeah, coz there’s more. There’s more.

[now Kyle had horns, Beck is wearing a yellow female dress, Bobby is carrying a rose and Vanessa is holing candles]

Kyle: Oh, no. The last petal from the Beauty and the Beast rose has almost fallen.

Vanessa: I guess we won’t turn into college students.

Beck: Unless…

All: [singing] Seniors always rule
all the juniors drool
class of 17

Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug]

[Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Enhancement Drug

Dwayne Johnson

Doctor… Kyle Mooney

Friend… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group of people working at the construction site.]

Dwayne: You know, when I hit 50, my body went through a big change and not for the better. Severe erectile dysfunction shattered my confidence, sent me into depression and almost ruined my marriage. And believe me, I tried everything. But then a friend told me about Xentres. So I tried it and I worked.

Female voice: Xentres is the strongest male-enhancement drug on the market. It increases blood flow, boosts testosterone and ends erectile dysfunction instantly.

Dwayne: So I asked my doctor about Xentrex, and he said, “Xentrex? What the hell is Xentrex?” And I said, “Xentrex! It’s the strongest male-enhancement drug in the world and it works.” And he said he never heard of it. So, I pulled up the website and showed it to him. He started laughing. He said, “Are you insane, man? You can’t put that junk in your body. It’ll kill you. Your heart will stop. Rhino horn? Ammonium hydroxide? That’s what in meth, right?”

Female voice: Xentres is made strong enough to work on the most extreme cases of erectile dysfunction, and fast!

Dwayne: My doctor asked me, “Where did you hear about that [bleep]?” And I tole him, “A friend.” And he said, “Well, what’s his name?” And I said, “Well, I don’t really know him actually.” And he says, “But you just said he’s your friend.” So I told my doctor, “Look. Let’s forget about him and just write me a scrip for Xentrex and I’ll be on my way.” My doctor said, “Are you deaf, man? No! I could lose my license. You could die.” I said, “Yeah, I still want it though. So give it to me. Write the prescription.” I wasn’t leaving. So he says, “I think that website just froze my computer.” So I grabbed him a little. And he goes, “YOu’re hurting me, sir.” Hah! Xentrex works.

[Dwayne starts beating up the doctor]

Female voice: Side effects of Xentrex include fits of rage, acne, bleeding, baldness, blindness, whooping cough, hallucinations, coma, trouble swallowing, decrease in semen, increase in semen, nasal sores, constipation, vomiting, night terrors, amnesia and suicidal urges.

Dwayne: And those are just the side effects they tell you about. [Dwayne’s nose is bleeding] I get sweats. My bones are cold. My teeth are loose. My heart gets really, really hot. I could read minds and sometimes, I wake up driving a stolen car. But my erections are fantastic. When I wear gray sweat pants, people cross the street. Which is fine. Xentrex gave me my life back. Hail satan.

Female voice: So, threaten your doctor or ask your ketamine guy about South African Xentrex today.

Dwayne: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It works.

Dwayne Johnson Five-Timers Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.

[Alec Baldwin walks in]

Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.

Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?

[cheers and applause]

[Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]

Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.

Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?

Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.

Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.

Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in!

[cheers and applause]

Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.

Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–

Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.]

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!

Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.

Dwayne Johnson: No!

Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.

Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]

Tom Hanks: Happens every time.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.

Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…

Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.

Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.

Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.

Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.

Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.

Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.

Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…

[music playing]

…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.

Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.

[music playing]

Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.

Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.

Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.

Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.

Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go!

[A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!

Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Cartier Ad

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of a fancy party.]

[Cut to a beautiful woman and her man]

Male voice: You love her. You cherish her. But let’s face it, she’s a lot.

Vanessa: I can’t eat anything here.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to three women and talks with them. Beck is with her.]

Male voice: Because she is provocative. Because she’s magnetic. Because there’s always something.

Vanessa: There’s nobody good here. [The other women are looking at her angrily]

Male voice: You’d give her the sun, the moon and the starts. But for now, give her something to distract her. [Beck pulls out a jewelry box and opens it to Vanessa. There’s a diamond fidget spinner inside.] Cartier presents the diamond-encrusted fidget spinner. 14 karat gold embedded with princess cut diamonds. Designed to calm her because she “has anxietiy.”

Vanessa: [spinning the fidget spinner] So fast!

Male voice: You do you and her do that.

Vanessa: I’m balancing it.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to Aidy and talks to her]

Male voice: She’s vivacious. She’s feisty. She told you she’s thinking of opening a restaurant and you’re like, “I guess.” Give her something to focus on because let’s face it, she’s been reading ‘The Goldfinch’ for two years. She litters. She has to take cabs because her Uber rating is so low. When she’s around gay men, it’s exactly how you think it would be. And you know she is a completely different person with her family.

Vanessa: [talking on phone in kid’s voice] Hi, daddy.

Male voice: Intriguing. Addictive. A way to pass the time. I’m talking about the fidget spinner.

Vanessa: [to Beck] Hey, can we go? I’m really sick.

Beck: Okay.

Male voice: Cartier fidget spinner. Because, god, the sex is good!

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.