Category: 2017

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort]

[door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

New Wife

Beck Bennett

Jan… Kate McKinnon

Vincent… Larry David

Chris Redd

Candice…Cecily Strong

[Starts with Beck and Jan walking to Vincent and Chris]

Beck: Vincent, there you are. What re we celebrating tonight, bud?

Vincent: You haven’t heard? I got married this past weekend.

Chris: You did what?

Vincent: I met and married a wonderful woman. She opened up a whole new world to me.

[Candice walks in]

Candice: Vincent! Here, pocket square. Oh, my god! Look at you lawyers just serving alley McBeal realness. I’m gagging.

Beck: Gagging?

Vincent: Come on, Greg. She’s gagging. Candice is gay famous. She knows all the lingo.

Jan: Okay. And where did you two meet?

Candice: Mykonos.

Chris: Greece?

Candice: No. The other one. Yes, fool! Greece.

Beck: So, Candice, what do you do?

Candice: Appearances.

Vincent: yeah. She does the whole gay circuit. She’s big with the Twinks, daddies and even the techno sluts. You know, the gay world isn’t just one thing. It is a complex tapestry of cultures. You know, like South America. I’ve learned so much from her.

Candice: Yeah, I’m basically the kitty ambassador to the Twink republic of Quank.

Jan: What does that mean?

Vincent: Jan, are you paying attention? She says she is the kitty ambassador of the Twink Republic of Quank.

Jan: Uh-huh. So, does that mean that you’re a singer?

Vincent: Pfft! Singer? She’s an entertainer. Like, later tonight, she’s co-hosting power bottom at Yes Twink.

Candice: Yeah. You guys can come, but you have to bring three friends and they have to be either bus cute or rude. Two out of three. Oh, I got to go. Xavier is almost set up.

[Candice leaves]

Chris: Uh, set up?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She’s gonna perform for us. Let me ask you something. How old do you think she is?

Beck: Your new wife Candice?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She won’t tell me. She’s either 18 or 55. Either way, she’s timeless A.F.

Jan: Alright, well, if you’re happy, then we are happy for you. Cheers.

Beck: We’re here.

Chris: Cheers.

[music playing]

[Candice walks in with four half nude dancers]

Candice: Hey queers, are you bitches ready to make nasty?

Vincent: Hello? Called a response. Answer her!

Jan: Yes. Yes. We’re here.

Candice: I say, where are my queens?

Vincent: Answer her!

Candice: I said, who is queer in the house?

Chris: Sure, I’ll be, I guess.

Vincent: See?

Candice: [singing] Boys in high heels getting higher and higher
queens getting snatched as their drag time expires
attention embraces, he’s just as crazy
I only work for the monty, hunty

Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh

Beck: So, what is this song about?

Vincent: What’s it about? Are you listening? It’s like when you walk into the club and the A list queens and Twinks are up front with the money crowd. And in the back half, you’re trolls and the lowest of the queens. Just haters looking for problems. But she doesn’t do it for the approval, no. No, no, no, no. She does it for the monty and the Givenchy hunty. It’s empowering, man!

Jan: Okay. What’s happening now?

Vincent: Oh, I love this part. She’s simulating sex with all her gay dancers. It’s fun.

Candice: [singing] I bought five tickets for the train
Yi, er, san, su

Beck: Did she just count to five in Mandarin?

Vincent: No. To four. She doesn’t know five.

Beck: Why did she have five tickets for the train then?

Vincent: Because the squad has four queens, plus her makes five. You know what? You know what? Get out! Just get the hell out. [pushing Beck] I want you off the property now. Get the hell out of here. You’re fired. Get out.

Jan: Is everything okay? You got so mad.

Vincent: Yeah. I’m sorry. I took my prep in an empty stomach.

Candice: Vincent, baby, we need to get going. We need to get to my gig.

Vincent: Oh, look at the time. Yeah. We got to go now if we want to be at power bottoms for her. You know, 3:30 AM performance.

Jan: Okay. But we do have a meeting at 6 AM.

Vincent: Yeah, we got that 6 AM meeting, right? You know, we have time to hear one song and then go, which is perfect because after that the club is overrun with thirsty bottom feeders. You know. You know what I’m talking about.

Chris: what is a thirsty bottom feeder?

Vincent: Girl, please. Like you don’t know.

Larry David Stand Up Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright, that’s enough. That’s enough. That’s enough. You tolerate me. You really, really tolerate me. Look at this, what a wonderful greeting. What a beautiful greeting. [cheers and applause] It’s nice to be in New York. You know, I used to live here for many years. And I had nothing. I was a total loser. In fact, I used to walk around outside looking for spots to live in for when I became homeless. Once I found a spot with a ventilator with heat coming out. I though, “Oh, my god. I struck gold. I got to put a deposit down on this place.”

For a while, I was a private chauffeur for an old woman who was kind of blind. She was blind as a bat. Let’s face it. I cannot say enough wonderful things about the blind boss. You can really get away with murder. The car was filthy. There was bird poop all over it. She had no idea.

You know, I didn’t date much at that time. And I was very desperate. Yet, I was also very particular. It’s an odd combination. You know? I had that common with Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame who like me also had nothing to offer, yet was extremely particular, very superficial. He had to go out with the best looking woman in Paris. Nobody else was good enough for Quasimodo. His friends would try to fix him up. “Quasi, there is a great girl in my office. Lovely girl. Wonderful personality. She’s a gifted pianist, a gourmet chef. I think you two would really hit it off.” [acting like Quasimodo] “Is she good looking? She’s gotta be good looking.” “Is she good looking? Quasi, listen to me. I told her about the hump. She’s cool with the hump. And I told her how hideous your face is and how deformed and grotesque you are. You know what she said? ‘I don’t care. It’s fine. Who cares about all that stuff? It’s all superficial, as long as he’s nice to me. That’s what’s important.'” [acting like Quasimodo] “Does she have big jugs? I like me some big jugs. Got to have big ones.” “Listen to me, you’re mutant, you’re a monster. You’re a freak!” [acting like Quasimodo] “You’re not going to fix me with some dog.”

The big difference in dating now is that I used to keep a condom in my wallet. Now I just have a little booklet listing which fish have the highest mercury content. Really cool guy. If you want to seal the deal, whip out that little booklet on a dinner date. “Oh, hey, look at this. We can get the flounder, huh? Who else can tell you to get flounder? Do I take care of you or what?”

I think I’m doing quite well. [cheers and applause] Alright, shut up. So, you know, a lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news up late. And I couldn’t help but notice a very disturbing pattern of emerging which is that many of the predators, not all, but many of them [hesitates to speak] are Jews. And I have three words to say to that. “Oy vey zmir.” I don’t like it when Jews are in the headlines for notorious reasons. I want “Einstein discovers the theory of relativity.” “Salk cures polio.” What I don’t want? “Weinstein took it out.” I know I consistently strive to be a good jewish representative. [applause] When people see me, I want them to say, “Oh, there goes a fine Jew for you. There’s a fine Jew. Margaret, come here. Come here. I want you to meet this wonderful Jew. Nothing stereotypical about him. If not for the self deprecation and the irritable bowel syndromes, you would never know in a million years.”

You know, I’ve always been obsessed with women. And I have often wondered if I had grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would. “Hey, slo-mo. Slo-mo. Look at that one from Barrack C. Oh my god, is she gorgeous? I have my eye on her for weeks. Yeah. I’d like to go up and say something to her.” Of course, the problem is, there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp. “How’s it going? They treating you okay? You know, if we ever get out of here, I’d love to take you out for some latkes. Do you like Latkes? Huh? What? What did I say? Is it me or is it the whole thing? It’s coz I’m bald, isn’t it?”

Anyway, we have got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Career Retropective

Cecily Strong

Martin Hamill… Larry David

Beck Bennett

Doug… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Kenan

[Starts with Cecily speaking]

Cecily: Welcome to the ad council’s annual awards dinner. And judging by the bar tab, you are enjoying yourselves. Tonight, we are proud to present the AC Anderson Lifetime Achievement award in advertising to a man who let us know that when it came to McDonald’s, we’re loving it. And asked that famous question, got milk? I’m speaking of course about Martin Hamill.

[applause]

Martin Hamill: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a tremendous honor to be here.

Cecily: After dinner, we’ll take a look at some of the amazing ad campaigns he created. But before we eat, we thought we could look at some of his earlier works. He got his start by creating a series of public service announcements in the early 80s known as the smart choices campaign that warned teens about the dangers of drugs, alcohol and other issues.

Martin Hamill: Wow, you guys really did your research. Yeah, I was really proud of those. We helped a lot of kids.

Cecily: Let’s take a look now at a few of those ground breaking PSAs.

[Cut to the ad video. Beck is smoking a cigarette while Doug walks in]

Beck: Hey, Doug. You want a cigarette? [Doug looks away] Oh, come on! Don’t be a baby. It’s cool. Try it.

Doug: Smoking? No way! That’s gay!

[Doug pushes Beck and walks away]

Female voice: If someone pressures you to smoke, just say, “No way, that’s gay.”

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Hah! I had forgot about the tag line on that. You know, it was a different time. The word gay was very common with kids. It just kind of meant bad. You know, that hat is gay. Your car is gay. School’s gay. You guys understand what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut to the public. They’re shaking their heads no.]

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: Well, after you encouraged young people to say, “No way, that’s gay”–

Martin Hamill: You don’t have to put it like that.

Cecily: You warned them about the dangers of bullying. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug and Alex are laughing. Alex is on a wheelchair. Luke walks in.]

Luke: Doug? [pointing at Alex] Why are you hanging out with him? He can’t even walk.

Doug: Yeah? Well, I can. And I’m walking away… from you.

Alex: Actually, let’s roll.

[Doug pushes Alex’s wheelchair and they leave]

Female voice: Making fun of someone with disability is retarded.

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Okay, um, obviously the ending doesn’t hold up. That word again. It was very common. Hey! Should we eat? Let’s eat.

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: You know, the dinner isn’t quite ready yet, I’m afraid. We were going to show the anti-drinking PSA with the interracial couple. But if you’d rather wait for the food–

Martin Hamill: No, no, no. That’s great. The interracial couple. Yes. That’s a good one. Play that one.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug wakes up with a hangover.]

Doug: OH! I drank so much last night. I’m so hungover.

[Kenan wakes up by his side. He is a black male person.]

Kenan: Ooh, me too!

Female voice: When you drink, your chances of making a good decision are smaller than a midget.

[Cut to Martin Hamill and Chris. Chris is a black person sitting beside Martin Hamill who is staring at him. The crowd is booing.]

Martin Hamill: I’m feeling very– I’m feeling very sick. Very sick. I need to go. [to Chris] Call an ambulance.

Chris: You’re not sick. Shame on you.

[Chris leaves]

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Come on! Can we see some of my more recent work?

Cecily: Yes, yes. With pleasure. Your first big commercial campaign paired a beloved snack with a beloved entertainer. I’m speaking of course about Jello and your good friend, Bill Cosby. Let’s take a look.

[The End]

Beers

Josh… Beck Bennett

Mario… Kyle Mooney

CJ… Larry David

[Starts with Josh playing a clarinet in home]

[Mario walks in]

Mario: What is that sound? And who do I have to pay to make it stop?

Josh: I’m practicing my clarinet for when my cousin CJ gets here.

Mario: Oh, yeah. Think he’ll be able to take care of our fish when we go on our bike ride tomorrow?

Josh: I hope so. CJ loves fish.

Mario: Great! In the mean time, do you mind taking that thing outside? [pointing at Josh’s clarinet]

Josh: Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Josh and Mario in the kitchen. CJ walks in.]

Josh: My cousin, CJ.

CJ: Josh and Mario. Here I am. Let’s celebrate. Got any beers?

[Mario passes six-packs of beers to CJ]

Perfect! One for you. [CJ passes one can to Mario] And five for me. [CJ keeps five for himself]

Josh: Cousin CJ, can we ask you something?

CJ: Why not? I am your cousin CJ after all.

Mario: What we were wondering is will you watch our fish while we ride bikes tomorrow?

CJ: I can’t believe you’d ask me that. Of course I will.

[Josh, Mario and CJ high-five each other]

[Cut to CJ drinking beer alone at night. Mario walks in to the fridge.]

CJ: Let me guess. Snack time for Mario?

Mario: [gets scared] Ah! CJ, I didn’t know you were there.

CJ: Sorry about that. We need more beer.

Mario: What about feeding the fish tomorrow?

CJ: Who cares? Beer is all that matters to me.

Mario: We’re all out, CJ. And that’s that.

[CJ throws the chair to the fridge and breaks it.]

[Cut to Mario getting ready for bike ride. CJ walks in drinking beer.]

CJ: Oh, good morning, Mario. Sleep well?

Mario: No, I didn’t and I think you know why.

CJ: Who cares?

[CJ picks up a stool and breaks it again.]

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey, what’s going on in here?

CJ: Me and Mario were just goofing around. Right Mario?

Mario: Yeah. Just goofing around. Hey, Josh, can we talk in private?

Josh: Sure.

[Josh and Mario take a step back.]

Mario: Your cousin CJ, he has been drinking a lot and throwing chairs at me.

Josh: Oh, relax, Mario. He’s just having fun. It’s very exciting time for cousin CJ. [Cut to CJ eavesdropping] He just got to town.

Mario: Listen, I didn’t want to say this but I’m gonna tell you. I think he’s addicted.

Josh: CJ?

[Josh turns and looks at CJ drinking]

Mario: Alright, let’s go on our bike ride.

[Cut to CJ playing guitar alone in the house. He sees the fish bowl.]

CJ: Wait, what was I supposed to do today? Oh, yeah. Have a blast.

[as CJ is playing guitar running around, he breaks the fish bowl.]

[Cut to Josh and Mario peeking from the outside]

[Josh and Mario walk in]

CJ: Hey, feeding the fish went great!

Mario: You’re lying. You killed the fish. You used to be my hero.

CJ: Leave me alone loser. [CJ pulls out a knife and stabs Mario. Mario is bleeding.] Oh, no! I stabbed Mario. Why would I do this?

Josh: Because you’re addicted. Admit it.

CJ: You’re right. I admit it. I need help.

Mario: Great! Let’s drink!

Weekend Update- Ivana Trump

Colin Jost

Ivana Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This past week, Ivana Trump, president Trump’s first wife stirred some controversy when she called herself the first lady while promoting her new book ‘Raising Trump’. Here to elaborate is Ivana Trump.

[Ivana Trump slides in]

Ivana Trump: Colin, why you always so harsh on Donald? Why you can’t give him a break? He’s not so bad. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I’m surprised that you seem so supportive of him.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: yes. Of course I am. We re like family. I am the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. But actually, Melania, right, is the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yeah. Well, of course. but I am a first lady of Donald Trump, right? What do you call the one that is first? First lady. Am I lie?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, your’e saying that because you were his first wife?

Ivana Trump: Oh! You see now. You get it. Look, this hardware is smart.

Colin Jost: So, tell us a little bit about the book you wrote.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yes. Well, everywhere I go, the yacht club, the country club, private airplane, Ferrari expos, you know, everybody want to know, what is behind this red power suit? The chronic French twist hair? How I become a first lady? You know, how I met with Donald Trump. You know, I raised him too, since he was this tall. Ha-ha-ha-ha. He’s always very tall, right?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s good. That’s good.

Ivana Trump: You like this?

Colin Jost: I really like that. Yes. So, could you give us a taste of what’s inside the book?

Ivana Trump: Oh! Growing boy want a taste. Okay. I give you a little nibble. [Cut to Colin Jost. She wears her glasses and goes through her book] Let’s see. Come on. I give you chapter 14. How Donald was never around, I had to do everything. No, it’s not bad. He’s businessman. So, he’s doing business away from the family. I raised him myself.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. That’s all the title of the chapter?

Ivana Trump: Yes. Just look. [Showing the title. The title is literally very long.] Yes. [Cut to Ivana Trump] The rest of the chapter is astounding photographs of my apartment in Miami, and my cute dog, Chuchu-nyonyo. It’s a really cute dog.

Colin Jost: Very cute. [Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost] Aren’t you afraid you might be pushing some buttons with this book?

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: No. Look at my nails. I can’t push buttons with these nails. You see my joke? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s very good. I really enjoyed that. That was great.

Ivana Trump: Look, look, look. Donald and I have a very good relationship. We are a family after all. Look, I call every 14 days but I don’t like to call too much because if Melania pick up, I say, “No, don’t pay attention to me, Melania, it’s just old school friend from old school day.” You know, I don’t want jealousy. [Cut to Ivana Trump] I love the third lady. I don’t want her to be jealous of the first lady. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You keep calling yourself first lay.

Ivana Trump: Yes. But I am the first lady. Melania is third lady. Look, I support girls walking into disaster zones in her heels. [Cut to Ivana Trump] And by disaster zone, I mean walk-in closet. It’s so small. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I am on role, huh?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very great role. Yeah. Well, she is very upset with you. She tweeted you are only doing this to try to get attention.

Ivana Trump: No. Who is the author of this tweet? Melania or Michelle Obama? Ha-ha. You know what I’m talking about? From before?

Colin Jost: Yes. From a long time ago.

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish because she’s eating something]

Colin Jost: What are you saying?

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish]

Colin Jost: I’m okay. I can’t have hazel nuts.

Ivana Trump: Oh, you poor thing. [Cut to Ivana Trump] You know what? There is no bad blood. Melania can go back to manage the White House. And I will go back to young race car drivers in Miami because I prefer baby sitter over nurse. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Ivana Trump, everyone.

Ivana Trump: I am the first lady.

Colin Jost: First lady. Thank you guys. On a serious note tonight, I just wanted to say if you would like to help the people of Puerto Rico, please make a donation to Somos One Voice.

Michael Che: That’s right. Go to www.somosonevoice.com. Thank you very much. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Harvey Weinstein

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of emojis at left top corner.]

Apple has announced that it will add 100s of new emojis to it’s iOS system including a person at a spa, a vomiting face and a sushing finger. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein] Weinstein who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow, I don’t think that’s gonna help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars and it’s a prison.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Hervey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s a tough spot for a comedian because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. I mean he looks like chewed bubblegum rolled in cat hair. Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, “We all make mistakes.” Nah, man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you– you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law and Order. Your name’s a verb now, dude, as in, “If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m going to cut off his little Harvey.” Ugh! Doesn’t he look like a well dressed skin tag?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Health Care Act, president tweeted, “The Democrats Obamacare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!” You can’t say it’s imploding when you are actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, “Tokyo is totally imploding right now. I alone can solve!”

Experts are now worried that Trump actions could destabilize Obamacare markets which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to all of them. But this is what Trump does. He just messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with a rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt. He just keeps moving. And then we hear, “Clean up on aisle, Puerto Rico.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on healthcare, president Trump walked away without even signing it. But then, good old Mike Pence was there to remind that she forgot to assign homework. Yay!

Sever aids to president Trump are reportedly saying that he is unraveling and losing a step. Okay, but what point exactly was he ever in step? Coz from here, it’s been like nine months of watching the cat try to walk in Timberlands. During the speech at the value voter summit yesterday, president tons of fun said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, we’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Dude, people say ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time. My deli guy is Muslim, and he says Merry Christmas every time he makes a ham sandwich. You know what, I don’t want to say Merry Christmas anymore because I don’t like that Trump supporters always want us to be specific when it’s about stuff that’s important to them. It can’t be ‘Happy holidays.’ It has to be ‘Merry Christmas.’ It can’t be ‘Save the planet.’ It’s gotta be ‘America first.’ But then when somebody wants to stand up for black people or gays or women, they are like, “Hey, wait a minute. What about everybody else?” So, you know what? Don’t think of it as me saying ‘Happy holidays’ anymore. Think of it as me saying ‘All holidays matter.’

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and NBC News logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump continued to question the legitimacy of Network News saying, “It’s frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.” Although, I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported “Hillary Clinton is next president.”

[Picture changes to Niger flag]

Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to president Trump’s autocorrect.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Ditka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I liked it. [Colin Jost laughing] Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka who was critical of NFL player protest said in an interview that there has been no oppression in the last 100 years that he knows of. Oh, really, Mike? So you think your black players actually wanted to do this?

[Cut to a video of athletes singing in the show ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle’.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jamele Hill at right top corner.]

ESPN has suspended host Jamele Hill after she posted on twitter her opposition to Jerry Jones threatening to bench players who kneeled during the anthem. Worse, she will be replaced by– oh, no. Mike Ditka.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a logo of Oreo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [asking Michael Che] What’s that?

Michael Che: Go.

Colin Jost: Okay. Me. Go? Oreo has announced a new contest in which people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their mystery cream. Spoiler alert, the flavor is Gary. [Picture changes to a random white person]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Uh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong-Un. Though, all the plan says is, “Wait for diabetes.”

Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.]

[the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume]

[everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently]

[Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

Nursing Home

Mrs. Conor… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Grammy… Kate McKinnon

Doctor… Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with Mrs. Conor and Mikey visiting Grammy in elderly nursing home]

Mrs. Conor: Hey, Grammy.

Mikey: Like you shoes, grammy. Pretty sharp.

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: I’m really glad you both came by to visit Maureen. I know this is a long driver for you two.

Mikey: Of course, doctor. We’ve got to make sure Grammy knows we still care about her.

Mrs. Conor: So, how has she been? Is she adjusting okay?

Doctor: She’s getting along just fine, Mrs. Conor.

Mrs. Conor: Are you making any friends yet, Grammy?

Doctor: She’s making plenty of friends.

Mikey: She seems a little out of it today. Is she okay?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She’s a little grumpy because she just got her penicillin shot. She doesn’t exactly love needles.

Mrs. Conor: Penicillin? What’s wrong?

Doctor: Just a little gonorrhea. Well, I’ll leave you three alone to sort of–

Mrs. Conor: What?

Mikey: Gonorrhea?

Doctor: There’s no need to panic. It’s very treatable. It should be  cleared up in a week or so.

Mikey: How did this happen?

Doctor: We think sex.

Mrs. Conor: She’s 91 years old. [Grammy is smiling]

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, your grandmother may be 91 but she still has a very active sex life.

Mikey: So you let them have sex here?

Doctor: She’s an adult woman of sound mind. She can do whatever she wants. Casual sex between residents is actually very common in nursing homes. It’s really not that big a deal.

Mikey: Well, can’t you at least give them protection so that they are safe?

Doctor: of course, but we can’t make them use it. We can barely get them to put in their teeth. You know how stubborn your grandma can be.

Mikey: So, which one of these old dudes gave my grandma gonorrhea?

Doctor: This time, we don’t know.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. What do you mean this time? She got it more than once?

Doctor: Eight.

Mikey: She got gonorrhea eight times?

Doctor: We’re not exactly sure who is giving it to whom at this point. There’s sort of a round Robin situation between her and six or so other residents.

Mrs. Conor: They’re taking advantage of her.

Doctor: Believe me. Nobody is taking advantage of her, Mrs. Conor. She’s running a train. They’re running a train but she’s the conductor.

[Grammy is giving a bad-ass smile]

Mrs. Conor: They’re all in there at the same time?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes. It would.

Doctor: I see.

Mrs. Conor: [to Grammy] Grammy, how could you?

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, relax. It’s actually really sweet. After every encounter, the gentlemen even leave her a single rose.

[There are a pile of roses on her table]

Mikey: Oh my god! All of that is for sex? Doctor, what can we do to stop this?

Doctor: She’s not doing anything wrong. And frankly, it is great for morale. Since Maureen has joined the home, riots have been way down. From the residents to the staff, everyone is happier with Maureen around.

Mrs. Conor: She’s not sleeping with staff too?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes!

Doctor: I see.

Mikey: that’s it. We are taking her out of this nursing home.

Doctor: Well, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Conor: Why can’t we?

Doctor: Because she’s asleep.

[Grammy is acting like she’s asleep]

Mikey: Okay, well then, when she wakes up.

Doctor: Alright, fine. But it’s still gonna happen. Just somewhere else. Your grandma likes to bang. Just let her. Look, getting old is tough. It can get lonely here. A lot of residents here want to give up on life.

Mrs. Conor: Oh.

Mikey: Wow.

Doctor: But then we send your grandmother to their room, and she convinces them that there is still a reason to go on living like only she can. By letting her go nuts on them.

Mikey: That’s disgusting.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. Maybe he’s right.

Mikey: You know, I guess if it really means that much to the home and grammy is happy, then fine by me.

Mrs. Conor: Me too.

Grammy: Me too. Ha-ha!

All: Grammy?

Kumail Nanjiani Stand Up Monologue

Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kumail Nanjiani.

[Kumail Nanjiani walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kumail Nanjiani: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haha. I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ right now. That is what is happening. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m here. I remember, since I was a little kid in Pakistan, I remember on Saturday nights, my whole family would get together and watch ‘Star Trek’. We didn’t get ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is awesome. Um, I had a movie earlier this summer called ‘The Bic Sick’. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Um, people who don’t know, ‘The Big Sick’ is the true story of the first year of the relationship between my eventual wife and I, and my wife Emily is a white American person. And my parents wanted me to marry a Muslim Pakistani person. Things didn’t quite go their way– I’m getting ahead of myself. I was the second person from my family to leave Pakistan and come to the west. I had an uncle decades before me who was going to Scotland and the Nanjianis were very excited. And they were like, “Hey, remember the deal. Be good.” And he was like, “Yeah. Got it.” And then he got to Scotland, fell in love with a white woman, married her and the Nanjianis were like, “Never again. Let’s regroup. Let’s tighten this up.” And then for decades, nobody left. The next person who left was me 40 years later. I came to America, fell in love with a white woman, married her, and then made a movie about it. Just to rub it in their face. Nanjiani-0, white women-2. When I called my mom to tell her, she wasn’t even upset. She was like, “You know what? This time, shame on us.”

The movie was well received, mostly. I read everything online which don’t do that. I read a guy said, “I watched the whole movie. I just don’t like race mixing thing.” Yeah. First of all, nobody good ever uses the phrase “race mixing”. Even if someone was like, “I’m pro-race-mixing,” I’d be like, “Why are you talking like that? Are you an undercover KKK dragon?” The other thing, why did you watch the whole movie? Were you hoping for a twist at the end? did you think at the end I’d rip off my mask like, “Ha-ha, it’s me, Chris Pine. I am a white person.” The only thing worth mixing is frisbee and golf. Let’s go eat some ranch dressing.

My twitter mentions were a little bit of a nightmare after the movie. A lot of people were like, “Go back to India!” Which I have never been to India. Or were you just hoping I have an awesome vacation soon? Here’s my fantasy. This is my fantasy. My fantasy is when someone’s racist to me, I want to danger to befall them immediately. And then I want to rescue them just to see the confused look on their face. Like, I want them to be like, “Go back to India. Ha-ha. Wolves!” And then I fight off the wolves and they’re like, “We were racist to you and you still saved us.” and I go, “That is the way of my people.”

Islamophobia is really on the rise right now. It never went away but it’s really having a moment right now. Islamophobia is kind of like ‘Will and grace’. You know. It was a huge a while ago, then it was gone and we thought it was done but now it’s back and bigger than ever. Thursdays on NBC. They make me say that.

I saw a guy be like, “Of course all muslims are sexist. The Quran says women can’t drive.” Yeah, pretty sure the Quran never said that. Because if the Quran had said women can’t drive cars 1400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now and so would all of you. Because that would mean the Quran predicted cars. If 1400 years ago, the Quran was like, “Some day there will be metallic box that will carry you wherever you want. And it will have four wheels. And you will have to put gasoline in it. And it will have a little speedometer to tell you how fast you are going. And it will have a bluetooth connection. And women shouldn’t drive it.” I would be like, “I know two things for sure. Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” [applause]

I am so glad you laughed at that coz otherwise it sounds like I’m just giving a divisive speech. “Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” That will definitely be the quote on the internet tomorrow.

Sikh people get attacked all the time for being Muslim. Spoiler alert, they’re not. But they’re brown and they wear turbans so people attack them for being Muslim. Which must put them in such an awkward position because they’re like, “I”m not Muslim. Not that you should attack Muslims. But if you’re looking to attack Muslims, which you shouldn’t, I’m not one. There is a Muslim right over there. Don’t attack him. Unless somebody’s definitely getting attacked, in which case, get it right, which is wrong.”

Which brings me to my problem with most racism. Here is my problem with most racism. It’s the inaccuracy. That’s what bugs me. I’m like, “Do the research! Put in work! You will see the benefits.” I’ll give you an example. If someone yells at me, “Go back to India,” I’d be like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But if someone was like, “Go back to Pakistan which was part of India until 1947 and is now home to the world’s world’s oldest salt mine,” I would be like, “that guys seems to know what he’s talking about. I’ll pack my bags.” Just because you’re racist doesn’t mean you have to be ignorant. And informed racist is a better racist.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Pink is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.