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Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Gangsta Rap Dance Smashes!: 12/04/93

Richie: Hey, everybody! I know what will REALLY get this party going! [ holds up album ] It’s Jukebox’s collection of Gangsta Rap dance tunes!

Adam McKay: Let’s face it — “SNL” comes from a tradition of, like.. white, snarky, smart-ass comedy. It doesn’t come from that tradition of, like, “Def Comedy Jam.”

[ image: The NFL on Fox: 01/08/94 ]

Jim Downey: You’re never gonna be the voice of Black America, probably.
Black History Month: 02/25/95

[ Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows sit at a desk ]

Ellen Cleghorne: But — on an up note — this marks the first time in the history of “Saturday Night Live” that two African-American cast members have opened the show by saying, in unison…

Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together and shout] Live from New York–!

Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his arms around Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What’s up?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinning Farley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]

Chris Rock: Their guys would probably rather do a sketch with, you know — about John McLaughlin than Flavor Flav. That’s just — [ laughs ] that’s just — [ laughs ] that’s just, you know, there’s a lot of white guys on this show!

En Vogue performs “Free Your Mind”: 03/21/92

En Vogue: [ singing ]
“Before you can read me, you got to learn how to see me
I said free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow.
I said free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow.”

The Dark Side with Nat X: 11/10/90

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the show! I’m your host, Nat X! In the next 15 minutes – that’s right, this is the only 15-minute show on TV. Why? Because the man would never give a brother like me a whole half-hour!

Tina Fey: I think black culture has yet to really — really, really — break out on “SNL.”

[ image: World Series: 10/23/93 ]

Tim Meadows: If you don’t have any other.. African-American writers on the staff, then.. you don’t have anybody who really thinks like you.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 10/01/94

Tim Meadows: I swear to God, there are only a few things that really get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey!

Tim Meadows: I wouldn’t say it’s tougher, but I would say it’s a little tougher. [ laughs ]

[ image: Tim Meadows as Darius Rucker in ABC News Special: 10/21/95 ]
The Ladies Man: 10/04/97

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but —

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes, uh — there are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh — may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to take suggestion ]


Rob Smigel: They’ll hire the one black writer for Chris Rock. You know — “He’ll help Chris!”
2 Live Crew Party: 09/29/90

[ Luther Campbell’s agent pours a drink ]

Agent: A lot of these people don’t know how hard it is to write what you write.

Luther Campbell: [ sighs ] Now, people think you can just throw a “lick-lick” here, and a “bitch-bitch” there — “lick there, bitch, bith, bitch, lick it, bitch!” and get a song!

Fred Wolf: It, maybe, didn’t exploit him, but, really, I feel like it brought him out to an audience that came to understand how funny he was.

[ image: Nikey Turkey: 11/17/90 ]

[ image: Russell Simmons’ Def Magic Show Jam: 03/20/93 ]


Chris Rock: I remember talking to Eddie Murphy when I first got hired, and I wasn’t getting on, and he just kept saying, “You’ve gotta write Update pieces — man, you gotta do that straight-to-camera, man.”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 09/26/92

Chris Rock: You know, I hated school. You know why I hated school? Because I was the only black kid in my grade — the whole grade! I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin? 25 years, not one line! Nothing! 25 years, man. I mean, everybody on Charlie Brown’s got their own little character that’s all thought out. You know, Linus got the blanket.. Lucy’s a bitch.. Schmoly plays the piano.. Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. You know? Everybody’s got their thing, except Franklin! Give him something! Damn! Give him a Jamaican accent or something! [ speaks in Jamaican accent: ] “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone, mon!” I mean, come on!

Macy Gray performs “I Try”: 01/15/00

Macy Gray: [ singing ]
“I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not
I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
I’ll keep my cool but I’m feenin’.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

Steve Koren: You know, the 90’s was interesting because I think it’s the first time when the show was dominated by former stand-up comedians.

Chris Kattan: Sandler was stand-up, and Spade was stand-up, and it was like a stand-up element. And, uh, Norm — Norm MacDonald was a stand-up.

[ image: Larry King’s News & Views ]

Norm MacDonald: Like, the first season I would just talk straight into the camera, ’cause I knew I — I knew I always knew how to talk into cameras. As you can see. [ laughs ]
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 10/09/93

Norm MacDonald: I was thinking about it the other day, and I realized that what scares me most about going in prison isn’t the loss of freedom or the, uh, stigma, or even the separation from family. For me, the scariest thing about going to prison is, uh — you know, it’s the, uh — you know, the, uh — [ pause ] anal rape! [ waits for the audience to appreciate the joke ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] At the time, I was like — no, he’s so good! [ laughs ] The dude is so confident with that great joke, that he’s just going to sit there until people finally get it, and process it, and go: [ exhales ] and just laugh.

David Spade: Stand-ups are good at writing stand-up, but it’s so different. I mean, basically, I would do Weekend Update — and i’d just do my act.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 05/07/93

David Spade: By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

David Spade: And then, when I tried to write Hollywood Minute, people said, “You know, you always read these magazines and talk out loud at the writer’s table about this celebrity, or this, or you just kinda make fun of them — try that.” So I put it together, did it at read-through, it killed, and Lorne’s, like, “You found your voice. Love it.”
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 12/04/93

David Spade: Macauley Culkin! Hi. First of all, your dad’s nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something, kid: you’re cute, you’ve got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it’s true. Here’s the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was ten! Alright? Oh, yeah! [ softly ] Oh, yeah. this is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to Hell!

Kevin Nealon: I think you’ll see a lot of stand-ups are more comfortable doing Weekend Update features. Someone like Adam Sandler, or Chris Rock.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald: 02/18/95

Opera Man: [ pictured: Brad Pitt ]
“Brad Pitt sexiest
“People” wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!”

Michael Shoemaker: Adam redefined what it was like to be a cast member, ’cause he didn’t have to be in sketches with people. Adam would score on Adam’s terms.

[ image: Iraqi Pete: 02/16/91 ]

[ image: Caracci’s Pizza: 10/03/92 ]

[ image: Sleepy Head on Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 03/13/93 ]


Tom Davis: His style of — of comedy was doing these funny, wimpy characters that — that Lorne didn’t get for a while, ’cause he’d read these things at read-through that didn’t seem to be about anything, and there was no jokes, there was just these: [ imitates Adam Sandler ]

[ image: Hitting on Women: 04/11/92 ]

[ image: Office Thanksgiving Party: 11/21/92 ]

[ image: French Class: 02/13/93 ]

But, then, Lorne saw it, and put him on Update with his guitar —

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 02/13/93

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
“My mom bought you when I was just thirteen,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn’t grow out,
“That’s too big for you!” the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn’t quit,
and now the children say, “What a perfect fit.” ”

Kevin Nealon: We played off each other well, because Sandler would do this crazy, absurd character, like, you know — the Halloween guy, or Opera Man, or Cajun Man — it usually ended with “Man”!And, uh — and I would play the straight, uh, news anchor.
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 02/13/93

Adam Sandler: Kevin, please help me out.
[ singing ]
“I love you sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Red hooded.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Dip, dip, dip.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Kevin Nealon: “Shama lama ding dong.”

Adam Sandler: “Sweeeeatshirt!”

Rob Smigel: It was incredibly subversive because his material appeared to be, you know, borderline retarded — [ laughs ] to one section of the audience, because of the subject matter. But, he was doing some of the most inventive stuff that had EVER been done on the show. He was really deconstructing sketch comedy.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon: 10/30/93

Adam Sandler: [ holding a pickle under his nose ] “I’m Crazy Pickle Moustache!”

Rob Smigel: He was kind of exposing character premises, for what they were — which were, you know, naked gimmicks.. that we used to.. make money not having to lift things. [ laughs ]

Michael Shoemaker: By the time we got to the 90’s, these were all pretty original types.
The Dogs: 12/05/92

The Dogs: [ singing ]
“But I’m baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!
Bad bad baa-aa-aad!”

Michael Shoemaker: Now, every couple of years we maybe get another Sandler. But, there wasn’t one like him then.

Coming up Next: Saturday Night Dead… Again

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Wayne’s World: 12/05/92

Announcer: You are watching Aurora, Illinois Community Access Channel.

[ jump edit ]

[ “Top Ten Things We Love About Bill Clinton” ]

Wayne & Garth: “Wayne’s World! Top Ten! Things We Love! About Bill Clinton!”

[ Garth holds up the “Wayne’s Top Ten” board ]

Wayne: Alright! Okay!

Garth: Yeah!

Wayne: Okay! Number 10: [ Garth pulls the strip ] “Universal Health Care.” I don’t know.. it just seems to make sense these days.

Garth: Right!

[ slide edit ]

Wayne: Alright! Number 6 is: [ Garth pulls the strip ]

Together: “Don’t! Stop! Think-ing a-bout to-mor-row!!”

Garth: We love that song!

Together: NOT!!

Wayne: Hello! Fleetwood Mac? Hello, it’s the 90’s! Here’s a quarter — buy a clue!


Tom Davis: That had to be one of the best years for Lorne, because his first son was born, and “Wayne’s World” was the #1 movie.

Aerosmith performs “Sweet Emotion”: 10/09/93

Dana Carvey: It’s shocking that it became as big as it did. I-I mean, I just didn’t know. I don’t think Mike did, either.


Mike Myers: It was very, very flattering to, uh — you know, think of something in the bath on Sunday, write it up on Tuesday, and then, it’d be somebody saying the words back to you on the following Monday. Uh — it’s a real mind blower.


Michael Shoemaker: “Wayne’s World” really raised the profile of the show, and the ratings were crazy.


Lorne Michaels: It brought another audience to the show. And, ultimately, uh, Mike and Dana and others had movie careers.


Tim Meadows: Coming in the wake of “Wayne’s World”, I think everybody felt that it was their job to get a new character.

The Richmeister: 01/19/91

[ Sting enters the copy room ]

Sting: Hey, Richard.

Richmeister: [ looks up, smiles ] Stiiiiing! Der Stingelhoffer! Making copies! The McStingster! Stingatola! Stiiiiiiing!! [ pause ] Sting-a-ling-a-ding-ding-ding-dong!

Misery II: 02/16/91

Lorne Michaels: — We have this new thing now, with this guy who says people’s names over and over. Like, he would call you “Sheriff.. the Sheriffster.. the Sheriff-rama.. as in, “The Sheriff-rama, on the phone with the Lorne-meister.” Oh, it’s the new thing, people just love it!


Julia Sweeney: It brings you right into the pop-conciousness, uh — you know, the culture — to have a hit character that’s being recurred.

It’s Pat: 11/16/91

Head Trainer: Okay. Age?

Pat: Thirty.

Head Trainer: Height?

Pat: 5′ 8″.

Head Trainer: Sex?

[ they exchange curious glances ]

Pat: Yes! Please! [ giggles coquettishly ] That’s my little JOKE!


Paula Pell: People watch this show, they want something that feels familiar, because that’s one of those things about the show which makes you feel like you’re a part of it. Oh, you haven’t seen this! Oh, you’ve gotta watch! They do this certain thing!”

[ image: Simon: 11/23/91 ]

[ image: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: 03/14/92 ]

[ image: Canteen Boy and the Scout Master: 02/12/93 ]

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans: 11/23/91

Super Fans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da Bears!!

The Tonight Show: 10/27/90

Ed McMahon: You are correct, Sir! Yes!

Coffee Talk: 12/12/92

Linda Richman: I’m a little verklempt!

Daily Affirmation: 02/09/91

Stuart Smalley: — and that’s.. okay!


Tim Meadows: The good thing about a repeating character is that people look forward to seeing it.

Sprockets: 09/29/90

Dieter: Now I am as happy as a little girl!


Tim Meadows: The bad thing about a repeating character — [ smiles ] is that people look forward to seeing it! [ laughs ]

Barenaked Ladies performs “It’s All Been Done”: 02/06/99

Barenaked Ladies: [ singing ]
“And if I put my fingers here
And if I say, ‘I love you, dear’
And if I play the same three chords
Will you just yawn and say:

(Whoo-hoo-hoo!)
It’s all been done (whoo-hoo-hoo!)
It’s all been done (whoo-hoo-hoo!)
It’s all been done before!”


Chris Rock: [ laughs ] It’s like, “I’m gonna do EXACTLY what Mike Myers does!”
I’m Chillin’: 04/18/92

Announcer: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin'”!

Chris Rock: “I’m Chillin'”? He-ey — “Wayne’s World”! Hey, let’s figure out a way to do “Wayne’s World” with a black guy. Okay!
I’m Chillin’: 04/18/92

Onski: I’m your host, Onski. To the highest degree. To the T-O-P. Yo! It’s all about.. muh-wee! And sittin’ by my side is my main man, my toucan Sam, my ace boon coon, my brand new tune, my Vi-dal Sas-soon, my Looney Toon, my Daniel Boone, my ancient room, my big bal-loon, my wrinkled prune, my gold doubloon, my cat in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy blue and the Man in the MIS-SOON — it’s B Fats! Yo, B! Tell ’em how you feel!


Sarah Silverman: I love watching friends perform together, because you can SEE it! And you can really see that with Adam and Spade and Farley and Rob Schneider, and they’re all best friends.

David Spade: The best times for me were: I shared an office with Farley.. and you had to walk through ours to get to a back office, which was Chris Rock and Sandler. So, at all times, I get to be with three of the strongest comedy people out there, aaand.. that makes everyone better because everyone’s trying to make each other laugh.

Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker: 05/08/93

Matt Foley: Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?

Brian: [ nervous ] I — actually, Matt, I kinda wanna be a writer.

Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll, la-de-freakin’-da! We’ve got ourselves a writer here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Dad! I can’t see real good! [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] Is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

Dad: Well, actually, Matt — Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.

Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder — Brian, from what I’ve heard, you’re using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You’re gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you’re living in a van down by the river!


David Spade: We went into work, and we just got a sign and an office together. And he’d get bored and finish it and be behind me, going, “David! Turn around!” And I’m be, like, “Dude! If this is Fat Guy in Little Coat again, it’s not funny any more.” And he goes: “Nooo! I swear, it’s new!” [ laughs ] And then I’d turn around — I’ve got my Levi jacket on — Fat Guy in Little Coat! It’s fun-ny! [ whispers ] Don’t you quit on me.


Rob Smigel: Farley and Sandler came in, and then Schneider and Spade as well, but, suddenly, you have these kids who were really turning things upside-down.

Fred Wolf: Those guys had this.. rock-and-roll sensibility, and it became cool. It became.. what everybody was looking for. “How can I get — how can I be a part of all this.. youth culture, and – and the pop culture?” And, “How can I know what’s going on and be hip?” And stuff like that. “I gotta watch ‘Saturday Night Live.'”

Lunch Lady Land: 01/15/93

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
“Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe ooh-yeah

(with Chris Farley)

Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe yeah
Sloppy joe slop sloppy joe -YEAH!”


Norm MacDonald: When Chris and Adam were together, that was my favorite thing to watch. Because they loved each other so much, and Chris would always try to make Adam laugh —
Zagat’s: 05/13/95

Beverly: [ reading ] “The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous” Oh, hear that Hank?

[ Beverly rubs Hank’s leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up ]

Hank: Give me cancer NOW, God!


Fred Wolf: When Farley’s name came up, it was unanimous agreement — he’s the funniest. And – and, in a sense, it’s probably liberating for all those guys to be able to say, “Well, yeah, HE’S the funniest!”
Men’s Jazz Dancing Ensemble: 02/20/93

[ Farley spins and falls ]

Chris Rock: Farley didn’t have to write. Farley pretty much had every writer – [ laughs ] on the show kind of worked for him!

Jim Downey: Physically, he was — he had no problem risking his life for comedy.

[ image: Giuliani’s Inauguration: 01/08/93 ]

[ image: NRA Theater: 05/11/91 ]

[ image: Motivational Santa: 12/11/93 ]

[ image: Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker: 05/08/93 ]

[ image: Matt Foley in Prison: 02/19/94 ]


David Spade: Basically, it’s, like, “Uh, by the way, we’re gonna do that again, but don’t put your hands down. Just hit the table with your face.” “Got it!” [ makes crashing sound effect ]

Rob Smigel: And, one of the funniest things about him, that’s illustrated in the Chippendale’s sketch — that Downey wrote — was, uh, you know, to see a guy that fat be that athletic and nimble. It’s just.. breahtaking! That’s still, probably, one of the five funniest moments in the history of the show.

Chippendale’s: 10/27/90

[ Farley dances alongside Patrick Swayze ]

Coming up Next: The Stand Ups

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation

Dana Carvey: I’m on the telephone — to Jon Lovitz — in L.A. — uh — call-waiting — “Uh.. hello?” And it’s just like this: “This is the White House, Operator Number One. Hold for the President.” So I go back to jon Lovitz, I go, “Jon, I got a bigger name on the phone.” He goes, “Who is it?” I go, “Well, it’s the President calling.” “Oh, I see. So I’m not your friend any more?” So, anyway — so then, Goerge Bush, Sr. — with an H — gets on the phone: “Love to have you come out.” So, uh — long story short, I go out there, and there’s the President, the First Lady, and he goes, “Why don’t you do that impression that you do, with me, right here, right now? Love to hear it!” And, I’m like, “God, it’s not very good!” “DO IT!” No, no! [ chuckles ]


Darrell Hammond: It’s difficult to comprehend that, first of all, these people know your name; and, secondly, that they want you to ocme hang out with them. You know, like, I’ve been in the Oval Office. It’s bizarre. It’s just larger than life.

Ana Gasteyer: You know, I was a childhood friend of Amy Carter’s. I grew up in Washington, D.C. And I have a vivid memory of President Carter sitting in the White House living room, watching the impression of himself, and laughing hysterically. And being so aware of “SNL” as, like, this piece of cultural reflection. Like, nobody did that before then.”

[ image: Ask President Carter (03/12/77) ]

Blues Traveler performs “Hook”: 09/30/95

Blues Traveler: [ singing ]
“Because the hook brings you back
I ain’t tellin’ you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely.”

Steve Koren: I would have to say, the greatest political, sort of, writers that I knew at the time was Al Franken and Jim Downey. And you had these two guys who had written some of the original sketches. So, you really had quite a.. brain trust there ready to write.

Jim Downey: I love it when thesubject matter is politics, and it’s just funny, silly.. an archaic kind of, uh — indiscriminately mean!
Clarence Thomas Hearings: 10/12/91

Sen. Joseph Biden: [Judge Thomas], you did ask Ms. Hill out on a date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. yes, I did.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Did you just go right up and ask her? Or did you have one of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I just walked right up and asked her.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Were you, uh, drunk at the time?


Michael Shoemaker: I remember Al and Jim, like, as they would look at casts: “He can play a senator. He can play a senator. Sandler? Not so much.” [ laughs ] It’s okay!

[ image: Clarence Thomas Hearings (10/12/91): Dana Carvey as Sen. Strom Thurmond. ]

[ image: Clarence Thomas Hearings (10/12/91): Chris Farley as Sen. Howell Heflin. ]

The McLaughlin Group: 03/21/92

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group.”

Ana Gasteyer: It’s the responsibility of the show to be clever about what’s happening in society, whatever that may be. If it’s boring, our job is to make it interesting!

Colin Quinn: Just to take a C-SPAN thing, and actually make it a recurring sketch, was pretty amazing.
The McLaughlin Group: 03/21/92

John McLaughlin: Issue Two!! On a scale of 1 to 10 — 1 being pathetically inadequate, and 10 being painfully inept — how would you rate the Buchanan campaign? Jack Germond-nobody!

Jack Germond: I’d say.. about a 5.

John McLaughlin: WROOONNGG!! Morton Salt — when it rains, it pours!

Morton Kondracke: I’d give it an 8.

John McLaughlin: WROOONNGG!! Patty “Rebuke”-chanan!

Pat Buchanan: Well, John, the campaign isn’t actually over —

John McLaughlin: WROOOOONNNGGG!! It was over weeks ago, you just haven’t been not-i-fied!


Colin Quinn: To this day, I watch “The McLaughlin Group” because of the original “SNL” sketches.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Announcer: “Debate ’92: The Challenge to Avoid Saying Something Stupid.”
Al Franken: And, at a certain point, the debate became a tradition.

Jim Downey: The election stuff is – is a godsend. Especially if a lot of people are running.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Jane Pauley: Now, let’s meet the candidates. Gentlemen?

[ the three candidates enter the arena and stand behind their respective podiums ]

Kevin Nealon: I remember our ratings were particularly high during the election years. People really starting tuning in, and they liked seeing spoofs of different politicians.
Debate ’92: 10/10/92

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let’s be frank. You’re running forpresident, yet [ jump edit ] the main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, aresomething out of L’il Abner, with buxom underage girls in cutoff denimsprancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking,shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminantly at runaway hogs.

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry, Sam, do you have a question?

[ jump edit ]

Ross Perot: Why are we talking about Arkansas? Hell,everybody knows that all they got down there is a bunch of ignorant inbredcrackerheads! Peckerwoods, catch me? Now, can we talk about the deficit?While we’ve been jabbering, our deficit has increased by half a milliondollars. That’s enough to buy a still and a new outhouse for every familyin Little Rock!

Bill Clinton: Will you shut up!

Ross Perot: Hold it there, cracker boy, I’m not finished!

George Bush: Now, you see that right there? You see that? It kind of makes you wonder whether these men have the temperament to be president. Would you tell Prime MinisterMajor to shut up? Would you call Boris Yeltsin a “Crackerhead”?


Rob Smigel: By the time the election is coming close, we’ve established which performer is — [ laughs ] playing which character! And then, it’s almost like, you know, an election between those two actors. Because, whoever wins is going to have a gig for the next four years, if he wants it.
Clinton at McDonald’s: 12/05/92

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let’s stop in here for a second. I’m a little parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we’ve only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.

Bill Clinton: Well, I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks — and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something — there’s gonna be a whole BUNCH of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton!


Lorne Michaels: In the history of the show, I think Democrats are much more surprised when they’re in any way, uh, attacked — or, what they think was an attack — by show business people. I think Republicans aren’t — [ shakes his head ] don’t seem — [ chuckles ] Wait a minute! — To be surprised by it!
A Message From the Former President of the United States: 10/22/94

Announcer: The following is a message from the Former President of the United States.

George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is George Bush. I was your president from 1989 to 1993. And, during that time, “Saturday Night Live” made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes, I do. But I’ll have my revenge, when the time is right. Not now — wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture. But revenge will be mine.

Coming up Next: Season ’92-’93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’90s: Pop Culture Nation


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Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Steve Martin: My old King Tut costume.. I remember this. This was back when the show meant something.. Back when I used to care..

Molly Shannon: It was just at a point in my life where I felt like nothing could stop me. I was just determined to make it work. Because I knew how lucky I was, you know, to, to have gotten there.
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

[ Steve Martin and the cast dance past Lorne Michaels, who’s recieving a pedicure ]

Lorne Michaels: Steve, what’s going on?

Steve Martin: We’re going to do our best tonight, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: What? Steve, the show’s on automatic pilot. I don’t even come in until Saturday.

Steve Martin: Lorne, don’t you see? That’s not the way it was in the 70’s. Back in the 70’s, people cared. They believed in something! Now it’s the 80’s, and everything’s yuppie, yuppie, yuppie.. spend, spend, spend!

Lorne Michaels: Steve, it’s the 90’s.

Steve Martin: Whatever. The point is:

“I’ve always wanted to see
How good I could be.
I just want to know.”

Lorne Michaels:
“Then go, Steve, go
And do a great sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwwwww!!”

Steve Martin: Thank you, Lorne! I never felt so alive!


Mike Myers: I got a call and was, you know: “Hi, it’s Lorne Michaels.” And I was, like, I thought it was my brother, Paul — he was really good at impressions! And, he said, you know, “Would you like to be on the show?” And I said, “Yes. Please.”Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Steve Martin: “But 20% won’t do tonight!”

Mike Myers: [ stepping out ] “Mr. Martin, I’ll do it for you tonight!”

Julia Sweeney: [ steps out as Pat, but strips herself of the characterand costume ]
“Gonna do something different tonight.
Something says not to just do Pat tonight!”


Chris Kattan: I said, “Yeah.” I said, “When do I go in and start?” He said it’d be next week, like, literally. I said, “Wow! But, do I, you know –?” It was, literally, like, “Pack your bags.” It’s like Jerry the mouse, in “Tom & Jerry.” Like: [ imitates instrumentation from “Tom & Jerry” cartoons ]
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Tim Meadows:
“I don’t have any lines.
I’m not in the show.
But something tells me that if I were
I’d be raring to go-o-o-o-o!”

Chris Farley:
“Not gonna get liquored up tonight!
I’m not gonna have a drink tonight!
I’m not gonna drink ’til “Update” is through.
That’s a promise to you, the viewer!”


Tim Meadows: You know, I’m sure, like everyone says, I felt like I had snuck one by them, like they were gonna go, “What is he doing here?”
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Phil Hartman: [ steps out, holding up a wig and piece of make-up ]
“I hide behind these wigs and this make-up
But tonight I’m gonna let myself shine through.
Yes, they’re gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight!”

Steve Martin: I wouldn’t do that, Phil.

Phil Hartman: Okay.


Will Ferrell: Lorne, being obviously sarcastic, but really funny, was, like, “No pressure, but the whole show’s riding on your shoulders.” [ laughs ]
Not Gonna Phone It In Tonight: 12/14/91

Cast:
“We’re gonna learn our lines, do our parts well
Then we’ll go back to coasting
But not while Steve’s host
‘Cause.. we’re..
Not gonna phone it in tonight.
Not gonna sleepwalk through tonight!”

Steve Martin: “I made it happen!”

Cast: “Steve made it happen!”

Steve Martin: “Now it’s in sight!”

Cast: “Now it’s in sight!”

Steve Martin: “Live, from New York –” [ stuck ] Line? [ Cue Card Man points to “It’s New York!” on cue card ] “It’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiight!!!!!”



The Sinatra Group: 01/19/91

Frank Sinatra: Let’s start with the chick. What gives, cue ball? I’m looking at you, I’m thinking: fourteen in the side pocket!

Sinead O’Connor: I can’t believe you’re talking about my hair, with all the bloody starvation and suffering in the world right now.

Frank Sinatra: [ mimes a sad, whiny violin solo ] Come on! Swing, baby, you’re platinum!


Al Franken: “SNL” came into the 90’s in a really strong way.

Alec Baldwin: They had a great cast. A great cast.

Tina Fey: Maybe the best cast EVER, top to bottom.

Chris Rock: It was the Yankees. I mean, we were.. good.

Mike Myers: And the writing was so good. All the writers were great: Smigel, The Turners, Jack Handey, Conan. You know, I was just, like — it’s an embarrassment of riches.

Al Franken V/O: It’s a — a confident and happy a show as I’ve been on.
R.E.M. & Kate Pierson perform “Shiny Happy People”: 04/13/91

R.E.M. & Kate Pierson: [ singing ]
“Shiny happy people holding hands.
(Shiny happy people holding hands)
Shiny happy people laughing.”

Fred Wolf: The ratings were high because, uh — “Wayne’s World” was out there, and the “Church Ladys” were going on, and there was a BIG collection of really charismatic people on cast and as featured players.

[ image: Wayne’s World (01/19/91) ]

[ image: Church Chat (12/01/90) ]

[ image: group sketch, 1990 season ]

[ image: White Trash Bed & Breakfast (10/27/90) ]

Kevin Nealon: We started off in the 80’s with, I think, maybe, eight people in the cast. And, uh — and then it, uh, stretched to about eighteen by the early 90’s.

Lorne Michaels: I neverwanted to be in that position again, of, uh — of having to replace everybody at the same time. And, so, we began to, sort of, bring people in as featured players.

Michael Shoemaker: So, it was: Schneider, Spade, Rock and Farley, Julia, Sandler, Meadows. It’s a full cast, added to what was already a full cast.
Steve Martin’s Monologue: 12/14/91

Steve Martin: I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much.. the regulars.. Kevin, Dana, Phil.. uh.. Victoria.. and the newer cast members.. Ramone.. Tina.. Frosty.. and Spunky.

Steve Koren: It was a little crowded. You start writing sketches, you know, involving, you know, Army units — [ laughs ] parades.

[ image: Make You Think (04/18/92) ]

[ image: Subliminal Military Briefing (02/16/91) ]

[ image: 17th Annual Star Trek Convention (03/14/92) ]


Tim Meadows: I think part of it was.. new people coming in to a situation where there had been a lot of veterans.
Dick Clark’s Receptionist: 02/22/92

Receptionist: And you are..?

Jesus: I am the Lord. I have come to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls, so that I may tell the world that I have come back, as I promised.

Receptionist: Okay, now.. did you have an appointment, orrr..?

Jesus: But, my son, don’t you know Me from the Bible?

Receptionist: I’m not a big reader. I tell you, if you could just have a seat.


David Spade: Even Lorne said, “Everyone’s gonna tell you you should be on the show more. Everyone’s gonna tell you you’re the funniest one on the show. [ a beat ] You’re not.” [ laughs ] And I go, “Ahhhh, ohh.”

Dana Carvey: So, one week — [ laughs ] you’re in the show, and then your well-meaning friends will call you next week, when you’re not on the show: “Yuo got SCREWED, man!! What are they putting THAT on for?! Man, they’re screwing you.” You know — and, you’ve got to really resist that.
Dysfunctional Family Feud: 10/26/91

Announcer: Let’s start the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”!

Tim Meadows V/O: And, so, I think, there’s a sort of competition that the show naturally builds.
Dysfunctional Family Feud: 10/26/91

William Thorton: I’m gonna go out on my own, Ray, and say, “I bet you think you’re smarter than me now.”

Chip Thorton: [ complaining ] Oh, Daaad..

William Thorton: Do you have a problem with that?

Chip Thorton: No, sir.. good answer, sir..


Julia Sweeney: I look at these reality shows now — like, “Project Runway”, or something — [ laughs ] and I think, “Yeah!” I mean, they — that creating competition DOES make people creative.

Michael Shoemaker: When you have a lot of people, the trick is getting on. So, you have to sell what they’re buying. So, topical was always preferred.
A Message From the President of the United States: 12/15/90

President George Bush: None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in- chief. I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won’t, but then again, I might.

Dana Carvey: A lot of sketches are just at the right time in the right place. I think that’s one of the sustaining elements of the show. It’s a cathartic release. You know, the idea of, like, this is what the country’s thinking. But we don’t know we’re thinking it ’til now we see it presented. [ smiles ] Gee, I’m sounding pretty smart!

[ image: Desert Storm Press Briefing (02/09/91) ]

[ image: Turkish Storekeeper (03/13/93) ]

[ image: Godfather Bush (01/12/91)

Dave Matthews Band performs “So Much To Say”: 04/20/96

Dave Matthews Band: [ singing ]
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say.”

Sarah Silverman: It informs your life so much growing up. People get their news from it! [ laughs ] You know, kids definitely get the news from it!

[ image: Mobile Uplink Unit, Weekend Update (01/19/91) ]
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz: 03/23/91

Franz: Listen! Hear me now and believe me later — we are TIRED of waiting for the allies to start the ground war! So it’s time for us to begin —

Together: Operation [ they clap ] Muscle Storm!!

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller: How can we be that afraid of a man who sits like this?

Al Franken: It’s half the reason to do a live show, is that you can comment on what happened that week.
Mr. Subliminal: 12/08/90

Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? (Lobotomy) What strategy has been the congressional-approved economic sanction? (Waste of time) Because, obviously, nobody wants war. (Republicans) According to President Bush — According to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. (Oil) But I think, to avoid war — to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to Kuwait. (Body bag) And I have to say —


Lorne Michaels: If you’re not about what people are thinking that week, then I don’t think that you have any relevance.

Colin Quinn: Like, I remember sitting there on Saurday night, eight o’clock, and Lorne would call you into the office and go: “This just happened.” You know? “THey just had this invasion here.” Or, whatever. Adn you’re trying to get it in — either in the Cold Opening, or an Update. Adn that really keeps it.. LIVE! Because it’s right up to that time it goes on the air.
Wayne’s World: 01/19/91

Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Special Report! Party Time! Excellent!”

Mike Myers: When the Gulf War broke out, I was doing a “Wayne’s World” cold opening, and.. we had to rewrite it.. thirty-three seconds before we went to air, because.. there was the possibility of massive casualties — nobody knew what it was gonna be. And so we just tried to approach it humbly, and go, “We’re just two kids, watching it on TV like everybody’s watching it on TV.”
Wayne’s World: 01/19/91

Wayne: The first time I heard the word “Scud”, I thought it was like, you know, when you see, like, a really pretty chick walking down the street, you know, about 30 feet away, and you go, “Hello! Babe alert!” Right? But when you get closer, you go, “Oh, my God! She’s a scud!”

Coming up Next: The Debates.

SNL Transcripts