Tag: Donald Trump

Donald Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Steve Bannon

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Donald Trump and Mike Pence in White House]

Donald Trump: Oh, Pence. Pence has started to believe I’ve president almost 100 days and I’ve already done so much. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Read to me again from the list of my accomplishments.

Mike Pence: Of course, sir. Nominated Neil Gorsuch.

Donald Trump: God, I love that list. What a beautiful, long list. But Mike, you forgot about all the bombings that I’ve been doing. I just dropped the mother of all bombs on ISIS. The biggest, fattest bomb they’ve ever seen. It’s so big and fat, it almost looks like me when I’m on my golf clothes.

Mike Pence: I’ll add that to the list, sir.

Donald Trump: Look around, Mike. We got so many great memories in this room.

Mike Pence: Yeah. If these walls could talk.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, can they? It wasn’t me.

Mike Pence: No, sir. That’s just a saying.

Donald Trump: Anyway, like I was saying, so many memories in this room. This is where I met with the Chinese president.

Mike Pence: That was at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I ordered the Syrian strike.

Mike Pence: That was also at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I showed classified information to the Japanese prime minister.

Mike Pence: That was in front of waiters at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: I know one thing that was here for sure. Remember when I refused to shake the hand with that little German boy?

Mike Pence: Umm, you mean Angela Merkel.

Donald Trump: Whatever his name was. the point is, these 100 days have been such a success. And I’m so sad my presidency is finally coming to an end.

Mike Pence: No sir, you still have over 1300 days left.

Donald Trump: I don’t know. Have you seen my tweets about North Korea? This could all be over by Monday.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha. Sir, I love when you so casually joke about North Korean.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no. I take North Korea very seriously. Kim Jong-Un is a bad, bad guy. He’s a war monger. He’s quick to anger. He’s a huge narcissist. He’s got the stupid little haircut. I mean, how can a little man like that run an entire country?

Mike Pence: I have no idea, sir. I just wish you’d leave North Korea alone. I mean, we have plenty of problems at home. For example, your top advisor Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner have been at each other’s throats. It’s a huge distraction for us. I think you need to talk to them.

Donald Trump: Fine! Send in Steve Bannon. Send him in.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He’s a grim reaper.]

Steve, wow! You’ve never looked younger. Now, send in my sweet little kush ball, Jared Kushner.

[Jared Kushner walks in wearing a bullet proof vest over his suit]

Boys, I’ve called you here for an important reason. Mike, will you excuse us?

Mike Pence: Happy to, sir. Mother is waiting. That’s what I call my wife.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I know I’m bad with women, but that sounds even worse.

Mike Pence: Understood, father.

[Mike Pence leaves]

Donald Trump: Jared, Steve, standing before are my two top advisors. But I only have one photo in my hand. That’s right, tonight is elimination night. There has been a lot of drama in the house and that’s why one of you must go. Now. Who gets to stay? Jared? You take the most beautiful photos. Steve, you take the worst photos I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not joking. When I see a photo of you, it makes me want to puke. Okay? Jared, I’ve sent you all around the world to represent me and no one has ever heard you speak. You’re like a little Jewish Omaly. And Steve, you may be smart, but I once walked in on you eating a live pig in the Roosevelt room.

Steve Bannon: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Moment of truth. The photo in my hand represents the man who will be staying tonight. You will get to keep advising me and you will also get $100,000 courtesy of L’Oreal. If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the Oval Office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement. But don’t worry, your journey doesn’t end tonight because you will bet to come back at the end of all of this and help send me to prison. And the person that will stay on as my adviser is… Jared. Congratulations, Jared. And Steve, I’m sorry, but it’s a good bye. Take him back to hell.

[a bigger grim reaper walks in and takes Steve Bannon away]

Steve Bannon: [screaming] No!

Donald Trump: Jared, you’re such an inspiration. You showed everybody that if you are born rich and marry my daughter, you can have anything you want. Have a seat at your new desk. I’d like you to just fix everything, okay? [Donald Trump leaves the president’s desk to Jared Kushner] If you need me, I will be over here in mine. [Donald Trump sits on a smaller desk that’s beside president’s desk]

Hey, Jared, I know you don’t like to talk, but why don’t you take it away? Shall we?

[Jared Kushner is struggling to speak]

God, you’re such a cute little twink! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Syria Missile Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. [Picture changes to missiles] In response to the Syrian regimes chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday spent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian air field. Coz when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses send. [Picture changes to send button of twitter.]

This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you are Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he is starting a real war with Assad [Picture changes to Assad] while he’s still bogged down in a twitter war with Schwarzenegger. [Picture changes to Arnold Schwarzenegger.] Remember? After Trump was elected and everyone saying, “Stop taking Trump literally. He’s not literally going to ban Muslins, Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.” All I’m saying is if I were Hillary Clinton right now, I’d start getting in prison shape.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Syrian and Russian flags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Now, I may be oversimplifying the details. The US has attacked Assad who, like us, is already at war with ISIS. But Assad is a close ally with Russia who Trump has said he wants to work with to defeat ISIS. Even though the biggest threat to ISIS is Assad who Trump just bombed. Now, in case you are having trouble following all that, here’s a reenactment of what I just described.

[Cut to old movie clip where three people are hitting each other]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Simple enough, right? Now, this attack comes as a surprise because just Monday, the President said he wanted nothing to do with the Syrian conflict. And by Thursday, he already attacked them. He’s handling conflict the way my mother handles family drama. At first, she’s like, “This ain’t none of my business. Y’all leave me out of this. Y’all grown.” Then three days later, she’s outside my ex girlfriend’s job in a track suit with a brick in one hand and her wig in the other.

Trump also broke protocol by not waiting for approval from congress. He didn’t even wait until he was home. He was still on vacation in Margaritaville or wherever he calls that place. And then he sent 60 missiles from Amazon Prime on a whim.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Xi Jinping.]

President Trump met with Chinese this week at his Mar a Lago Estate, and then when the two men stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear. If you mash them together, they would look exactly like Steven Segal. [Picture changes to Steven Segal]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Neal Gorsuch at left top corner.

Colin Jost: On Friday, the senate voted to confirm Supreme Court nominee Neal Gorsuch which made it extra awkward for Merrick Garland’s family when he pretended to come home after another long day at the Supreme Court. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

This week, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. [cheers]  And this time, he probably can blame the Jews.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner with the military at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House revealed that Jared Kushner has traveled to Iraq with the Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff. God! What a dork! Why is he wearing that vest? He’s dressed like Colin when he goes to buy weed with my guy without me.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was my first time. This photo represents what frustrates me most about this administration which is complete lack of self awareness. They are the worst thing that rich white guys can be, which is oblivious. [Picture changes to Jeff Sessions] Like, Jeff Sessions, the other day he’s accused of being racist. The first thing he did this week as Attorney General was to reduce oversight on police departments. Way to pick up on the general vibe of the country. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Then four days into sexual assault awareness month, Trump comes out of nowhere to defend the guy accused of sexual assault, [Picture changes to Bill O’Reilly] which I don’t think is how the month is traditionally celebrated. And now, while we’re on the verge of World War 3, Jared Kushner rolls on to a military base is his best yacht rock outfit. I mean, come on, you’re going to see generals, not Vampire Weekend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill O’Reilly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York Times has reported that Bill O’Reilly and FOX News paid out $13 million to five different women to settle the sexual harassment claims. $13 million to five women? The best case scenario, that mean’s you’re so bad with women that every time you’ve tried to flirt, it cost you $2.5 million. I’m bad with women too, but the most it ever cost me was a two-star rating on Uber Pool.

Trump’s People

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: People of county, boy, do we have surprise for you tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes. He was on his way to Washington, but he decided to first stop andbe with the people who brought him there. Please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you. We all love Trump, don’t we? We do. We do. I had an amazing week, folks. I met with the leaders from China, Egypt and Jordan. Gorsuch was confirmed and the media is saying nice things and no one is talking about Russia. Wow, what a difference 59 tomahawk missiles can make. I just want to spend 20 minutes today with my people. Folks who don’t whisper, “Oh, god, what’s happening?” right after I leave the room. I know how hard it is for you. Thins have changed so much since I was growing up. For example, a lot of poverty is white now. Isn’t that crazy? Let me hear from you. You like that I bombed Syria? You right there.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I sure do, sir, but I wanted to talk about my job. I recently got laid off from coal mining plant.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I love coal. You guys have suffered terribly. Worse than anyone. And as president, I promise I am going to do everything I can to make sure you people work in coal for the rest of your lives. And your kids will work in coal and your grandkids. It’s going to be incredible.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Mr. President, thank you so much, but all we want are good jobs. They don’t have to be in coal.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sorry, hombre, it’s all coal. In Trump’s American, men work in two places. Coal mines and Goldman Sachs. Therefore, I’m cutting all jobs killing regulations. I’m proud to announce that as of today, your coal mines will have no regulations. None. It’s a free-for-all. How about you? are you glad that I bombed Syria?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, yeah. I guess so Mr. President. But I actually wanna talk about Obamacare. Since I signed up, my premiums have gone up and I have to drive 90 minutes to see a doctor. I know you tried your best to fix it but you just couldn’t.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You mean Paul Ryan couldn’t. I did everything I could. I made phone calls, I jumped into a truck and I posed for pictures. I went, “Honk! Honk!” But I won’t give up. I am talking with the freedom caucus and we are going to get rid of it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You’re going to get rid of my healthcare? Like, all of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All of it. Gone! After we are done, you will never have to drive to see a doctor again. How does that sound? That’s great, right? Isn’t that great?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well, I trust your judgement, sir. There must be some reason you are a billionaire.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? We think exactly alike, I say quietly to myself. Sometimes quietly to myself. All the time actually, there must be some reason I’m a billionaire. Who is next? How about you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi, sir. I want to talk about my wife who is addicted to pain killers.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Susan Rice? Put her in jail, right?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m not sure who that is. I work in union but my wife won’t move because she is in a federally sponsored drug rehab program an hour away.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrible. This is the exact problem I’m having. My wife doesn’t wanna move either. So, she lives 200miles away. It’s costing the federal government millions of dollars. It’s nuts. Am I right? But she says she loves her own bed. Wives can be crazy. Am I right? They can be crazy.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I feel you, sir. But like I was saying, my wife stays because of the federal rehab program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, don’t worry about that, okay? Coz, we’re gonna get rid of it.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: You’re getting rid of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes. Junking it. Junked! Now she can live wherever she wants. Did I make you feel better now?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m nor sure, but I voted for you and your are my president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? That’s why I came here. You stand by me no matter what. It’s like you found a finger in your chili and still eat the chili because you don’t know how much you love chili. It’s tremendous. Who else? How about you?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Thank you for coming. I guess I wanted to talk about my own child who is in an after school program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Junked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Great. I work two jobs for minimum wage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Minimum wage, gone. Gone.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Perfect. It’s just we can’t afford a new house because my mortgage is under water.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: We’re getting rid of that. We’re getting rid of that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: My mortgage?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Your house. Junked.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And we can’t even drink our own water because there is lead in it.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. We’re going to keep that. We’re going to keep that one. Are we cool? You still love Trump?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re my president!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, you’re blowing my mind. Okay, keep eating that finger chili. I think you can hear my helicopter right now. Remember that I’m one of you and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

The O’Reilly Factor with Donald Trump

Bill O’Reilly… Alec Baldwin

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Malia Zimmerman… Cecily Strong

[Starts with the O’Reilly Factor intro]

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]

Bill O’Reilly: Caution! You’re about to enter the no spin zone, ‘The Factor’, begins right now.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]

Hi, I’m Bill O’Reilly. I hope your’e having a terrific evening. The subject of tonight’s talking point’s memo is a scandal everyone’s talking about all week. A scandal no one thought I would have the guts to address head on, but the shocking allegations of abuse of power has been leveled against Obama.

Let’s bring in FOX News investigator reporter Laurie Dhue with an update. [pause] [listens to his ear-piece] What’s that? Laurie no longer works for the company? Did she get the check? Okay, fine.

I’m told we do have FOX News analyst Malia Zimmerman who is normally in studio, but is now reporting live via satellite from exactly 500 yards away. [Cut to Malia Zimmerman] Malia, great to have you.

Malia Zimmerman: Um-hmm.

Bill O’Reilly: Malia, you spoke to former Obama Security Adviser Susan Rice and you told her I believe she illegally leaked the names of Trump’s people to the media. Correct?

Malia Zimmerman: Yes. And she denied it.

Bill O’Reilly: So, you asked her point blank and she said–?

Malia Zimmerman: No.

Bill O’Reilly: Okay. But when she said no, what was her vibe?

Malia Zimmerman: Her vibe?

Bill O’Reilly: Yeah. Like, when she said no, did her eyes say yes? Sometimes they do that.

Malia Zimmerman: No, they just said no.

Bill O’Reilly: Okay, but, was it a firm no or like–

Malia Zimmerman: Oh, man! [talking to her team] Can we do that think we talked about?

[Malia Zimmerman’s face is blurred]

Bill O’Reilly: Alright, terrific reporting, Malia.

Malia Zimmerman: [voice changed] Thanks for having me, Bill.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: We’re gonna take a quick break. [stays silent for a while] As you know, 60 of our sponsors have pulled ads from the program. No words as to why yet. We thank the following sponsors for sticking with us.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

Male voice: The O’Reilly Factor is brought to you by, Dog Cocaine. [Cut to picture of a dog sniffing cofaine] Turns out, you can teach dogs new tricks. And one of them is doing cocaine.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro] And the O’Reilly Factor is also sponsored by [Cut to Eliquis tablet] prescription strength, Eliquis. it’s Cialis for horses! Get your horses boned up and see what happens! With Eliquis, the official horse aphrodisiac of ‘The Factor’. [Picture changes to poster of the movie ‘Chips’.] And finally, the movie Chips. Chips, Oops!

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

Bill O’Reilly: Very proud of all of our sponsors. Now this is hard for me to discuss, but I also have been in the news this week. Apparently, several women have come forward and accused me of offering them exciting opportunities here at FOX News. Beyond that, the details are a bit fuzzy, but one man brave enough to come to my defense. A man who is unimpeachable on all female issues, now is here tonight. People, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. Hello everyone. Good evening, Bill. It’s so wonderful to be here on the Factor. I’m a big fan.

Bill O’Reilly: I’m a big fan as well and it’s an honor to have you here. And can I just say Mr. President, you look even better on TV.

Donald Trump: I know. I do. I look fantastic and can I tell you something, I actually see a lot of myself in you, Bill.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Thank you, Mr. President. And thank you for coming to my defense last week even though no one asked you to. And you even went as far as saying “Bill O’Reilly did nothing wrong.”

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: That’s based upon?

Donald Trump: Hunch. Just a loose hunch.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: So, you are not familiar with the facts of the case?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, I’m more familiar with this case than, say, healthcare, but I didn’t really look into it much, no. I was too busy being super presidential by bombing a bunch of [bleep].

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I deeply appreciate your support on behalf of all women and I’d like thank you, Donald Trump, for promoting sexual assault awareness month.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right, Bill. It’s a subject near and dear to my hand.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Well, thank you for stopping by ‘The Factor’, Mr. President. Keep up the good work.

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, is that a joke?

Bill O’Reilly: Excuse me.

Donald Trump: A lot of people have been saying, “Keep up the good work” but then I found it was a joke.

Bill O’Reilly: I was not making a joke, Mr. President. I promise.

Donald Trump: [sign] I’m back, baby.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: [clearing throat] Don’t forget to check out my hit book, ‘Old School, Life in the Sane Lane.” It’s about having terrific great morals and values and couldn’t have  come at a better time. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Thanks for watching ‘The Factor’.

[The End]

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Wiretapping Accusation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, this Saturday morning while his nurse was at temple, grandpa shuffled out of his room and got into his twitter again. Without offering any evidence in the series of tweets, Donald Trump accused former president Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during election? He even tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Is it legal for a sitting president to be ‘wire tapping’ a race for president prior to an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!” [Cut to Michael Che] Dude, you’re the president of the United States and you are seeking legal advice on twitter? That’s like your doctor tweet out, “Hey, does this look infected?” But this is a very serious allegation for a sitting president to make about his predecessor. And you know that it’s very serous because his very next tweet was [Cut to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Arnold Schwarzeneggar isn’t voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.” [Cut to Michael Che] This guy’s train of thought is just baffling. He’s like a crazy dude on the Subway yelling, “They’re tapping my phone! Schwarzeneggar sucks. I can lick my own elbow.” Donald, just forget about ‘The Apprentice’ already. You’re the president now. You are the executive producer of the free world. It is a much more important show. And your ratings are dead last.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I do however give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week, he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction on Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good’. It is not an encouraging sign we are holding the president of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah Boy. President Trump’s speech was met with silence from the democratic party and with cheers from the sausage party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a group of females wearing white dresses at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Female democrats wore all white outfits to show their support for the women’s suffrage movement. Either that or they were about to go to a party at P-Diddy’s house. [Picture changes to P-Diddy’s music video where everyone’s wearing full white clothes.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

President Trump appeared optimistic saying, “Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.” Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’re going to fix something, you know they’re just gonna send some Russian dude to do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A large part of Donald Trump’s speech on Tuesday involved immigration reform which Trump arguing that we should switch between merit basis system. And its true. Unskilled immigrants coming to the US cost taxpayers money. But the second generation of immigrants adds huge value to our economy. And by the third generation, they’re president. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Statue of Liberty]

A merit based system is contrary to the whole idea of America. My Irish ancestors certainly didn’t come here because they were the best and the brightest. They came here because god took their potatoes away. And now, after decades of hard work, they have literally dozens of potatoes. That’s progress. Back to you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of soldiers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least they had a choice. President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a depleted military. Depleted military? In relation to what, the death star? I think our military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym slamming plates around still working on our traps. And it’s like, “Yeah, dude, we get it. You’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bashear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Kentucky governor Steve Bashear then gave the democratic response to president Trump’s speech, from what appeared to be a public school cafeteria where the lights were running on a backup generator. This didn’t exactly inspire confidence if you’re a democrat. It looks like he was trying to sell my grandparents Colonial Penn life insurance. But hey, you know, what he looks like doesn’t matter. As long as he has a clear message.

[Cut to Steve Bashear’s video]

Steve Bashear: I’m a proud democrat. But first and foremost, I’m a proud republican, and democrat, and mostly American.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow, congratulations, democrats… and republicans… but mostly Americans. Democrats have to stop forcing new leaders on us and just let us find someone who voters respond to naturally. Passionately. And then work very har to make sure he doesn’t get the nomination. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway in White House with her legs kneeling on a sofa at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kelly Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the oval office. And sure, it does kind of look like she is searching for a Florida playlist to make her black friends dance, but I am not going to make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway, because he job sucks. You know, like when an Airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a lean cuisine? Well, that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We all have rough jobs. But could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump? I mean, look at her. Does she look like she’s in control? She looks like she should be on an informercial yelling, “But there has got to be a better way!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was also revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the ambassador to Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting during his confirmation hearing. Now, saying no to a question when the answer is yes, might seem like a black and white issue. But remember, black and white issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you google ‘Jeff Sessions’, ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions racist’. So that’s an improvement.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

According to reports, while Mike Pence was governor of Indiana, he used a personal AOL e-mail account to discuss sensitive matters, including Homeland Security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because hotmail was forbidden by his church.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cheers and applause]

Took you a little while.

Trump People’s Court

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Judges… Pete Davidson, Vanessa Bayer, Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The People’s Court intro]

Male voice: This is the People’s Court.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the court]

Male voice: This is the plaintiff, the president of the United States. He claims that some phony judges are being very mean to him. He is asking for broad unchecked power. Will he get it?

[Cut to three judges walking in the court]

These are the defendants. They are three judges from the 9th circuit court who heard the case for Trump’s ban and said not in. They’re accused of letting bad hombres pour into this country.

Police: All Rise. [everybody stands] Judges, do each of you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god.

9th Circuit Judges: We do.

Police: Mr. President.

Donald Trump: I’m good.

Police: Proceed it.

Judge: Alright, thank you. First of all, Mr. Trump, you understand this is a TV court, right?

Donald Trump: That’s okay. I’m a TV president.

Judge: Alright, so, your travel ban has been rejected as unconstitutional, once again, but here you are. What are we doing here, man?

Donald Trump: Well, thank you, judge, or what do you call a lady judge? A flight attendant? Something like that? Look, I signed a tremendous travel ban. I didn’t read it but I signed it. People took pictures of me holding up a piece of paper. Very official. These judges have been very disrespectful. I’m right. They’re wrong. I want the ban reinstated. Also, I want $725.

Judge: Okay. You know, earlier this woman asked me to award her joint custody of a snake and she had more of a case than you. Okay? Alright. Let me ask the circuit court judges.

Donald Trump: So called.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: So called. So called judges.

Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Trump, these three are federal judges. Okay? They’re actually more real than I am. Alright, judges, why did you agree with the lower courty’s projection of the ban?

Vanessa: Your honor, it was our conclusion that the ban violated the establishment clause because it included a religious test.

Donald Trump: Wrong. [Donald Trump has his own gavel banging] Over ruled!

Judge: President Trump, that’s enough!

Donald Trump: I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it.

Judge: Alright, Mr. Trump, do you have one legitimate reason we need this ban?

Donald Trump: Of course I do. It’s so simple. The bad people are pouring in. And you see them. And it’s ISIS. And San Bernandino, Chicago, I mean, look at Chicago. It’s hell. There are bad dudes coming in here. Bad hombres, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Judge: Alright, that sounded less like an argument and more like refrigerator magnet poetry. Alright, Mr. Trump, I hear you wanna bring in a character witness.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Someone who has known me for years. He’s a family. Incredible person with impeccable credentials, Mr. Vladimir Putin.

[Vladimir Putin walks in and he is giving high-fives to the people behind Donald Trump].

[background entrance music playing]

Male voice announcing: “He’s Russian president. An authoritarian leader who invaded other countries and killed rivals. He’s president’s Trump’s long-time crush.”

Donald Trump: Vladimir is an amazing person. He knows me better than anyone.

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. Hey, everybody, come on! Lay off president Trump, okay? This man is a great friend. He’s my little American Happy Meal. He do anything for you. He’d go against his own country just to make us happy, okay? We good here? Cool. [Vladimir Putin walks away] See you at Mar-A-Lago, baby!

Judge: Okay, you know what? Alright, that’s it. President Trump, look, I read the bad. It seemed rushed even to me. I decide three court cases in an hour, okay. Okay? I see no evidence that it will help. So I am sorry to say–

Donald Trump: I want to settle.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: I’d like to settle. Settle out of court.

Judge: No. Mr. President, I’m sorry but–

Donald Trump: We settle and so will you.

Judge: No, sir, no, I won’t. And let me just say, you are doing too much. Okay? I want one day without a CNN alert that scared the hell out of me. Alright? I just– I just want to relax and watch the Grammy’s. Alright, and no one has ever said that. That’s my decision.

Male voice: Judge rules for the 9th circuit judges. Our next case, on ‘The People’s Court’. The Plaintiff is president Donald J. Trump. The defendant is a manager at Nordstorm, when we return.

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office]

[cheers and applause]

[David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out]

[creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon]

[Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk]

[Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Executive Orders

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that… it is a lot. Everything people said Donald Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should have been, “Yes, we can.” “You can’t ban Muslims.” “Yes, we can.” Just two weeks as president and he’s putting up walls, he’s kicking people out. Trump is gut-renovating the country like it’s a crackhouse on ‘Flip or Flop.’ 18 in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was eight years ago. Back then, it was crazy. We had a black president, it was weird.

Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders but that’s only because Donald Trump doesn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like somebody, you don’t want to see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside White House demanding tacos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gavel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal judge last night temporarily blocked president Trump’s travel ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it because for him, getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.

[Picture changes to flags of Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen.]

The White House responded to criticism of the travel ban by saying, “They’re not banning Muslims. They’re just banning people from seven Muslim majority nations.” Which is sort of like saying, “We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who love ‘La La Land’. Maybe they’re white, we don’t know.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Muslim moon and star at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re definitely white.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: Trump says the ban is to prevent radical Islamic terrorists in American. First of all, what is radical Islam? That’s too subjective of term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. Now to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical. Also, how are we supposed to find terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of the almost 2 billion people? I mean, there’s 2 billion people that drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like thousand times more people than radical Islam. But the only difference is, alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw a pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, “I hope he’s just using that thing to hide booze.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended president Trump’s travel ban by referencing what she called the bowling green massacre, which is terrorist attack that never happened. In response, congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the bowling green massacre.

[picture changes to Australian flag and earth]

In a phone call with Australia’s prime minister, president Trump called a plan to accept more than thousand refugees from the country ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with 20% import tax on Hemsworth brothers. [picture changes to Chris and Liam Hemsworth]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Australian flag and earth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump’s call with the Australian prime minister got so heated, he had to send in Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their ambassador. [laughing] What? I mean, using Steve Bannon to help you smooth things over? But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t want to do, I’d probably do the same thing. It’s like, “Who cares? It’s Australia, isn’t it still like, yesterday there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly]

Earlier tonight, FOX news teased an interview where Bill O’Reilly questioned president Trump about Vladimir Putin and let’s take a look at it.

[Cut to the interview]

Bill O’Reilly: Putin’s a killer.

Donald Trump: A lot of killers. We’ve got a lot of killers. What? Do you think our country is so innocent?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So the sitting president of the United States just said that the US government is a bunch of killers? I mean, he’s not wrong. But he’s supposed to sugarcoat it, man! Come on! If your kid’s doe dies, you don’t tell him, “It got hit by a car.” You tell him, “It went to a state up farm.” You don’t– [sigh] Listen, [laughing] [Colin Jost laughing] Shut up, Colin. [Colin Jost laughing harder] If your kid’s dog dies, you tell it went state up to a farm. You don’t tell him you put it down because it bit a lady with a good lawyer. Shut up, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I think one interesting thing right now is how much we’re learning about government and the world from Trump. Like before this, I never knew who the prime minister of Australia was because our president had never hung up on him before. We’re learning which Muslim countries are threats and which Muslim countries have Trump Hotels. We’re even learning about important historical events that never happened. Like that day that will live in infamy. February 35th, ‘nineteen hundred and a hundred and thirty’. And we’re learning that Frederick Douglass is alive and well. [Picture changes to Donald Trump speaking about Frederick Douglas] And that, “He is doing an mazing job and getting recognized more and more, trump noticed.” And we’re definitely learning about cheks and balances because this is all becoming a dark, gritty reboot of ‘Schoolhouse Rock’, where a bill becomes a law on its own terms.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Swears-In

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, on Friday, half of America had to go out and buy a new TV. [picture changes to a broken TV] Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual but you can’t expect people to stand outside in the cold rain, knowing they’re about to lose their healthcare. My favorite part was watching the reaction to Trump’s speech like this one. [Picture of Michelle Obama looking unimpressed] You know, they say a picture says a thousand words. This picture of Michelle Obama only says one. “Mm!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural concert at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring Three Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two bibles. Abraham Lincoln’s bible from 1860 and Trump’s personal bible still in it’s original wrapping.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump described Washington as a small group of elitists who prospered at the expense of the American people. But I”m sure that’s going to change now that his cabinet of bankers and oil tycoons are in charge. [Picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”

[Picture changes to people on protest]

There were massive protests during the inauguration and some of them even became violent like when [picture changes to Richard Spencer] famous white nationalist and all around fun guy Richard Spencer got socked in the face just for living. Look at this.

[Cut to video clip of Richard Spencer]

Richard Spencer: It’s a Pepe’s become a kind of a symbol– [Richard gets sucker punched by a protestor]

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Oh, man, that just makes me so sad. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, Sean Spicer made his first appearance as White House press secretary. He seemed a little defensive about how many people came to watch Trump’s inauguration.

[Cut to Sean Spicer speaking in inauguration]

Sean Spicer: This is the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Here’s how we know he’s lying. In addition to photographic evidence. I don’t trust anyone who ends a sentence with a word ‘period’. Imagine if someone said, “Look, I’m a doctor. Period.” I’ll be like, “I don’t think this van is a real hospital.”

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Outgoing president Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday. He told the American people, “I think we are going to be okay,” which sounds comforting but remember, “It’s gonna be okay” is also what George tells Lenny at the end of “Of Mice and Men”.

In total during his two terms in office, president Obama commuted the prison sentences of record, one385 future democrats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of women’s march at right top corner]

Michael Che: The women’s march in Washington was held today. It is estimated that the turnout was twice as big as the inauguration. But you know, size doesn’t matter. Am I right, ladies? No? I’m not right? It’s the number one thing? Oh! Okay. It was an amazing show of support for feminism. But some feminist groups were actually asked not to march because of pro life views. Which raises the question, what makes feminist a feminist? It’s confusing. It’s confusing. My mother raised seven kids by herself. She’s the strongest woman I know. I asked her if she was a feminist and she said, “Boy, god made Adam and Eve.” And I was like, that’s not what that means. A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that’s easy to get behind… that is until you see a feminist screaming into a cop’s face wearing a home made uterus hat and you’re like, “Oh, there are levels to this.” I just think it’s weird to get a special name for just being a reasonable person. That’s all it is. Believing in equality just means you’re not a dick. And for me, that’s enough. I support women’s rights for the same reason I won’t let my cousin rob Colin. It’s because I’m not a dick.