Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office] [cheers and applause] [David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out] [creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon] [Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk] [Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Executive Orders

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that… it is a lot. Everything people said Donald Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should have been, “Yes, we can.” “You can’t ban Muslims.” “Yes, we can.” Just two weeks as president and he’s putting up walls, he’s kicking people out. Trump is gut-renovating the country like it’s a crackhouse on ‘Flip or Flop.’ 18 in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was eight years ago. Back then, it was crazy. We had a black president, it was weird.

Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders but that’s only because Donald Trump doesn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like somebody, you don’t want to see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside White House demanding tacos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gavel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal judge last night temporarily blocked president Trump’s travel ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it because for him, getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.

[Picture changes to flags of Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen.]

The White House responded to criticism of the travel ban by saying, “They’re not banning Muslims. They’re just banning people from seven Muslim majority nations.” Which is sort of like saying, “We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who love ‘La La Land’. Maybe they’re white, we don’t know.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Muslim moon and star at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re definitely white.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: Trump says the ban is to prevent radical Islamic terrorists in American. First of all, what is radical Islam? That’s too subjective of term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. Now to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical. Also, how are we supposed to find terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of the almost 2 billion people? I mean, there’s 2 billion people that drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like thousand times more people than radical Islam. But the only difference is, alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw a pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, “I hope he’s just using that thing to hide booze.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended president Trump’s travel ban by referencing what she called the bowling green massacre, which is terrorist attack that never happened. In response, congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the bowling green massacre.

[picture changes to Australian flag and earth]

In a phone call with Australia’s prime minister, president Trump called a plan to accept more than thousand refugees from the country ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with 20% import tax on Hemsworth brothers. [picture changes to Chris and Liam Hemsworth] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Australian flag and earth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump’s call with the Australian prime minister got so heated, he had to send in Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their ambassador. [laughing] What? I mean, using Steve Bannon to help you smooth things over? But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t want to do, I’d probably do the same thing. It’s like, “Who cares? It’s Australia, isn’t it still like, yesterday there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly]

Earlier tonight, FOX news teased an interview where Bill O’Reilly questioned president Trump about Vladimir Putin and let’s take a look at it.

[Cut to the interview]

Bill O’Reilly: Putin’s a killer.

Donald Trump: A lot of killers. We’ve got a lot of killers. What? Do you think our country is so innocent?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So the sitting president of the United States just said that the US government is a bunch of killers? I mean, he’s not wrong. But he’s supposed to sugarcoat it, man! Come on! If your kid’s doe dies, you don’t tell him, “It got hit by a car.” You tell him, “It went to a state up farm.” You don’t– [sigh] Listen, [laughing] [Colin Jost laughing] Shut up, Colin. [Colin Jost laughing harder] If your kid’s dog dies, you tell it went state up to a farm. You don’t tell him you put it down because it bit a lady with a good lawyer. Shut up, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I think one interesting thing right now is how much we’re learning about government and the world from Trump. Like before this, I never knew who the prime minister of Australia was because our president had never hung up on him before. We’re learning which Muslim countries are threats and which Muslim countries have Trump Hotels. We’re even learning about important historical events that never happened. Like that day that will live in infamy. February 35th, ‘nineteen hundred and a hundred and thirty’. And we’re learning that Frederick Douglass is alive and well. [Picture changes to Donald Trump speaking about Frederick Douglas] And that, “He is doing an mazing job and getting recognized more and more, trump noticed.” And we’re definitely learning about cheks and balances because this is all becoming a dark, gritty reboot of ‘Schoolhouse Rock’, where a bill becomes a law on its own terms.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Swears-In

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, on Friday, half of America had to go out and buy a new TV. [picture changes to a broken TV] Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual but you can’t expect people to stand outside in the cold rain, knowing they’re about to lose their healthcare. My favorite part was watching the reaction to Trump’s speech like this one. [Picture of Michelle Obama looking unimpressed] You know, they say a picture says a thousand words. This picture of Michelle Obama only says one. “Mm!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of inaugural concert at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring Three Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two bibles. Abraham Lincoln’s bible from 1860 and Trump’s personal bible still in it’s original wrapping.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump described Washington as a small group of elitists who prospered at the expense of the American people. But I”m sure that’s going to change now that his cabinet of bankers and oil tycoons are in charge. [Picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”

[Picture changes to people on protest]

There were massive protests during the inauguration and some of them even became violent like when [picture changes to Richard Spencer] famous white nationalist and all around fun guy Richard Spencer got socked in the face just for living. Look at this.

[Cut to video clip of Richard Spencer]

Richard Spencer: It’s a Pepe’s become a kind of a symbol– [Richard gets sucker punched by a protestor] [Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Oh, man, that just makes me so sad. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, Sean Spicer made his first appearance as White House press secretary. He seemed a little defensive about how many people came to watch Trump’s inauguration.

[Cut to Sean Spicer speaking in inauguration]

Sean Spicer: This is the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Here’s how we know he’s lying. In addition to photographic evidence. I don’t trust anyone who ends a sentence with a word ‘period’. Imagine if someone said, “Look, I’m a doctor. Period.” I’ll be like, “I don’t think this van is a real hospital.”

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Outgoing president Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday. He told the American people, “I think we are going to be okay,” which sounds comforting but remember, “It’s gonna be okay” is also what George tells Lenny at the end of “Of Mice and Men”.

In total during his two terms in office, president Obama commuted the prison sentences of record, one385 future democrats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of women’s march at right top corner]

Michael Che: The women’s march in Washington was held today. It is estimated that the turnout was twice as big as the inauguration. But you know, size doesn’t matter. Am I right, ladies? No? I’m not right? It’s the number one thing? Oh! Okay. It was an amazing show of support for feminism. But some feminist groups were actually asked not to march because of pro life views. Which raises the question, what makes feminist a feminist? It’s confusing. It’s confusing. My mother raised seven kids by herself. She’s the strongest woman I know. I asked her if she was a feminist and she said, “Boy, god made Adam and Eve.” And I was like, that’s not what that means. A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that’s easy to get behind… that is until you see a feminist screaming into a cop’s face wearing a home made uterus hat and you’re like, “Oh, there are levels to this.” I just think it’s weird to get a special name for just being a reasonable person. That’s all it is. Believing in equality just means you’re not a dick. And for me, that’s enough. I support women’s rights for the same reason I won’t let my cousin rob Colin. It’s because I’m not a dick.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer] [Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out] [banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router] [sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later] [Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later] [Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update on President-elect Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, it’s official. Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Ha-ha, United. You know, I didn’t want Trump to win, but as a comedian, it is a little encouraging. Coz people are always telling me, “Che, you know you can lose your job for saying that”, and now I’m like, “No, I can’t.” How did this happen? Either Donald Trump is actually a genius or Hillary Clinton hit a voodoo priest with her car. I don’t think there has ever been two more unlikable candidates. Not one time in election have I heard anyone say, “You know what? I like them both.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Donald Trump is now the oldest person ever elected president and has never held a job in government. If you’re 70 and you have no experience, you couldn’t get hired at Target. A 70 year old holding a new career is not how president supposed to work. It’s the plot of the Intern. [Picture changes to Robert De Niro’s picture from Intern.] A plot which Rolling Stone called “Pure fantasy.” It’s like if America needed life saving surgery and we could have got world’s most experienced doctors, but instead we went with a guy wearing a hat that says, “I am a good doctor.”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Liberals did not see this coming because we’re too segregated. It’s like we forget there’s another half of the country. I didn’t think anybody would vote for Trump just like I didn’t think ‘A Madea Halloween’ would be the number one movie in America. I mean, who would choose that? Democrats got too cocky, man. They were like the Golden State Warriors winning 73 games. They won so often that they didn’t even think they could lose again. Then, they got their ass kicked in Ohio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I know this outcome seems shocking, but remember, America’s like Leslie Jones, addicted to white guys. [Michael Che laughing] I mean, sure for a while [Picture changes to Barack Obama] our friend Barry got us clean and sober for eight years, but then uncle Donny rolled into town with a gold plane and a stack o cash, and he was like, “One more hit of a white stuff won’t kill ya!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People are blaming Trump’s victory on racism, I disagree, coz I’m racist, I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I think the election came down to feeling special. Donald Trump made white guys feel special again. He spoke directly to them. He mad eye contact. Gave them little hats. He made white guys feel pretty and strong. He’s like Beyonce. 54% of white women voted for Trump. You don’t think that had something to do with senior out of work depressed husbands coming home from Trump rallies all jacked up and horny, ready to seize the day?

What did surprise me was that 30% of Latinos voted for Trump. I even asked my Mexican friend. I was like, “How could you vote for Donald Trump?” And he said, “Che! I’m Mexican… I’m Puerto Rican.”

[Colin Jost laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You didn’t know? He wasn’t sure. [laughing] Ethnicity- other. And look, I–

Michael Che: Don’t look at me.

Colin Jost: And look, I know that this seems like a huge step backwards for our country, but we have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards. It’s a weird rollercoaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a crowd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If anything this election shows, just how disconnected we are from each other. Okay? I mean look at this map of votes by county. [Picture changes to US map with blue and red zones separated by votes.] You see how the democrat areas look like the metro PCS coverage zone? I mean, we’re sharing a bet together and conservatives are all sprawled out in the middle while liberals are on the edge passing aggressively tweeting. You want this relationship to work, we got to cuddle, man! We got to talk, get familiar. You can’t just wait until you’re in desperate need of attention and poke her on the back with your penis and ask, “You asleep?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Barack Obama shaking their hands at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  ON Thursday, Trump went to the White House and showed us how brave he is, by meeting face to face with the man who founded ISIS.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

Yesterday was announced that mike Pence will lead Trump’s transition team which is weird because normally when people transition, Pence sends them to conversion therapy.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Despite Donald Trump’s campaign promised to drain the swamp, many of the people in line for his administration are long time Washington insiders and lobbyists. Because even if you drain a swamp, it’s still full of nuts [Jebb Bush] , sleepy little turtle [Dr. Ben Carson], a hissing possum [Rudy Giuliani] and pile of wet garbage [Chris Christie].

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know you still got to drive to New Jersey, right?

Colin Jost: I just won’t take the bridge.

Michael Che: And please people… [laughing] And let’s not mourn to political career of Hillary Clinton. Okay? She’s not going anywhere. This woman is a gangster. She’s unbreakable. This is not her first upset. Okay? Hillary Clinton once lost a presidential race to a black guy named Hussain and she is still fighting. Hillary Clinton is like Roy Jones Jr., every time she gets knocked out again, I’m like, “Why are you even still doing this? Do you need money? I’ll give you money.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton facing backwards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m hopeful now that Hillary can finally have some time for herself. Like, the day after the election, she was already spotted hiking in the woods near her house. And weirdly, she had already grown out a full David Letterman retirement beard. There were also some really good historical moments on Tuesday. For example, a record number of female minorities were elected to the senate. [cheers and applause] That’s what I’m saying. Let’s see all their names right now.

[Cut to the video list. The list is as short as ‘Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Catherine Cortez Masto, Mazie Hirono’.] [Cut back to Colin Jost. He is holding his coffee mug and about to drink it.]

Wait, what? That was it? That was the record? I thought I had more time. [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Walt Disney]

Disney has received permission to fly drones over it’s themed parks. In an effort to caption or kill Aladdin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of vegetables at right top corner.]

Michael Che: “Che, I’m Mexican.” What are they thinking? [Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: So confident. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Right down the part. A new study shows that people with the vegetarian diet may live longer. Okay, but for what?

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro] [Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around] [sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing] [Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him] [they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.] [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Tom Hanks

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Chris Wallace in his set]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Chris Wallace and welcome to the third and final Presidential Debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third lord of the rings movie. You don’t really wanna watch, but hey you’ve come this far. Now, let’s welcome the candidates. Donald J. Trump and Secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walking towards their podium] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, how are you. Hello, Chris. Thank you for having me. IN the first debate, I set the table. In the second debate, I fired up the grill. And tonight, [shows two knives] I feast.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, I’m going to start this debate in the quietest voice possible. In the past, I have been big and loud but tonight I am a sweet little baby Trump.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: That is good to hear. Our first question is for you and it is about reproductive rights.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: [yelling] They’re ripping babies out of vaginas.

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Chris, I’m glad you raised this topic because what two better people are there to talk about women’s issues? Me, a woman who has had a child and has taken birth control and him, a man who is a child and whose face is birth control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And we’re off to the races. Let’s talk integration. Mr. Trump, why are you immigration policies better than secretary Clinton’s?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because she wants open borders and that is crazy. I mean, people are just pouring into this country from Mexico and a lot of them are very bad hombre.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, bingo! Bingo! I got bingo. [Cut to Hillary Clinton. She takes out the Trump Bingo card.] Sorry. Sorry. I’ve been playing all year and I got it. I have ‘Bad hombre’, ‘rapists’, ‘miss piggy’, ‘they’re all living in hell’ and ‘if she wasn’t my daughter’.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Congratulations secretary Clinton. Mr. Trump, please continue.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I have a fantastic relationship with Mexico, okay? I have personally met with the Mexican president. I forgot his name. I think it was something like Mr. Guacamole. I’m sorry, excuse me. Senior Guacamole. I also met his beautiful wife, Takito. And their twin children, chips and salsa.

Hillary Clinton: Chris, here is the truth. Donald said he was gonna be tough on Mexico but when he met with the president, he choked.

Donald Trump: Wrong, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: He has also said he is gonna be tough on Russia but he is basically Putin’s puppet.

Donald Trump: Liar, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: And he has promised to be tough on ISIS, but he has never explained how.

Donald Trump: That’s not exactly true. Here is exactly what I’ll do. First off, Mosul, it’s sad. And we’re going after Mosul because ISIS isn’t Mosul but she created ISIS. And Iran should write us a letter of thank you, because Iran is taking Iraq. And so we’re going to Mosul and Iran’s going to write us a letter of– listen, where Aleppo isn’t a disaster and Iran is Iraq and with Mosul, it’s ISIS–

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, [Cut ot Chris Wallace] We have to move on.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank god. I don’t know if you could tell but I was really spinning out of control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, now I’d like to ask you about an ongoing issue for your campaign. Wikileaks has been releasing your campaign emails, many of which raise some serious questions.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, um, for bringing up my emails, Chris. I am very happy to clarify what was in some of them. [looks away] Um, sorry, what? Carol? What? [looks to the camera] Sorry, I thought I heard my friend Carol. Anyway, back to your question about the way that Donald treats women. And that is you pivot.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: So, you’re just never going to answer a question about your emails?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, but it is a very cute to watch you try.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Trump, in the last week, 11 women accused you of sexually assaulting them. Do you still deny each of those claims?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, of course I do. I’m completely innocent. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

[Cut to a video clip of audience laughing] [Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Alright! Alright! Settle down. Settle down, entire planet. Settle down. Our next question is about the economy. Mr. Trump, why are you better equipped than secretary Clinton to fix the economy?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because Hillary has no idea how to fix anything. If she did, she would have done it already. I mean, what has she been doing–

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: No, Donald, don’t. Don’.t

Donald Trump: For the last 30 years.

Chris Wallace: — don’t set her up please.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’d be happy to talk about last 30 years.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Oh, no. Not again.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Back in the 1970s, I worked for the children’s defense fund.

Chris Wallace: Yes, yes, yes. We know.

Hillary Clinton: Then I was a senator in New York on 9/11.

Chris Wallace: Yeah, we get it. We get it.

Hillary Clinton: And then I was secretary of state and I don’t know if you’ve heard this before–

Chris Wallace: We have.

Hillary Clinton: — but I was instrumental in taking down a man by the name of–

Chris Wallace: Osama Bin Laden.

Hillary Clinton: Osaamaaa a-Bin a-Laden!

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: We’re very proud of your accomplishments secretary.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, if she can brag about her resume but I am the one who’s got all the heavy hitters supporting me. I mean I have got the creme of the crop. I’ve got Sarah Palin. I’ve got Chachi, and get this, I’ve even got the best Baldwin brother, Steven Baldwin.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, let’s move on to entitlement. Will you raise taxes to save programs like Social Security and Medicare?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, but only on the very wealthy. For example, my contributions will go up as well Donald’s assuming he doesn’t figure out a way to get out of that.

Donald Trump: Such a nasty woman.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Whao! Whao! Whao! Mr. Trump, that was incredibly rude to secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Chris. That’s exactly the kind of language that has poisoned and debased this election. And if you agree, go to hillaryclinton.com and buy a limited edition ‘Nasty woman’ mugs.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And now we have returned to the big story of the week. Mr. Trump, it has become very clear that you’re probably going to lose.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Correct.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, when you do, will you accept the results of the election?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I will look at it at the time because, frankly, this whole thing is rigged. Even the media. Everyday I turn on the news, and all of the news casters are making me look so bad.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And how are we doing that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: By taking all of the things I say and all of the things I do and putting them on TV.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Donald, Donald, listen, I’m trying to help you buddy. So, repeat after me. I, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I, the best ever, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …the results of this election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: … the results of this election if I win. Got you loser, trademark.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Chris, what he has just said is horrifying. And that’s why, Americans have an important decision to make. Between the two of us, who do you trust to be your president? The republican or Donald Trump?

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Thank you secretary. Now, we are almost out of time.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah? No, let me just make sure that I’ve said everything that I wanted to say. [Donald Trump pulls out a paper that has ‘nasty woman’ written on it. He turns over the paper, it has ‘bad hombre’ written on it.] Okay, I’m good. I’m good.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, before we conclude, you each will have one minute for your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Chris. And thank you to all of my supporters. Because of you, I am winning in every single poll taken outside of the crackle barrel.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, Donald Trump cannot be president. He would be a disaster. A failure. A complete F. And America, you deserve better than an F. So, on November 8th, vote for me and I promise I will be a stone cold B. [winks] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: And then on November 9th, make sure to check out Trump TV. You’re gonna hate it.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.