Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kristen Wiig 2020 Holiday Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Maya Rudolph

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Thank you. It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I consider this home and it is so nice to be home for the holidays. [cheers and applause] Many of you know, I used to work here. I was employee of the month three times. It’s a little bit of a brag. I am happy to say this is the last show of 2020. Yes. What an icky year it has been. But it hasn’t been all that bad. I had twins. [cheers and applause] Yes. Which I find out is two of the same baby. But it has been a hard year. But the good news is on New Year’s day, 2021, everything goes completely back to normal. What? It doesn’t? Oh! Okay. Well, you could have told me that before the show. Glen, look at me. My assistance Glen is here and I think he knows he’s in trouble. Anyway, until then, when I am feeling down, I like to sing one of my favorite Christmas songs about some of my favorite things. Can I get a stool? [music playing] No? Glen, we’re going to have a meeting tonight. I know it’s Christmas, but this isn’t working out. Alright, let’s start the song. I think you all know the words.

[singing] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
whiskers on babies and babies on buildings
long beards on babies and mittens with wings
these are a few of my favorite things

jackets on ponies and bread on baloneys
hawk and shalhoub are my two favorite Tonys
going to court dressed like lord of the rings
these are a few of my favorite things

When the tree falls, when the bee stings
and the other bee stings
i simply remember I’m allergic to bees
and then I don’t feel my legs

[Maya Rudolph walks in]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Kristen.

Kristen Wiig: Maya. Truthfully, being on stage with you is one of my favorite things.

Maya Rudolph: Me too, buddy. But I notice that some of the lyrics in your song were incorrect and didn’t make any sense. Do you mind if I sing the real ones?

Kristen Wiig: Oh, no. Please. By all means.

Maya Rudolph: Thank you.

[singing] Pop rocks and hot dogs and mustard on ladies
musical improv of Mr. Wayne Brady
sitting quite nude on an exercise bike
these are just some of the things that I like

Kristen Wiig: When my dog sits

Maya Rudolph: On the ceiling

Kristen Wiig: Coz he’s being bad

Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph: I simply remember my favorite things 
and then I will kiss your dad

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, guys.

Kristen Wiig: Oh my godl

Maya Rudolph: Kurt Cobain.

Kristen Wiig: Kurt McKurtain.

Kate McKinnon: It’s okay. It happens all the time. I’m sorry to interrupt but those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: Huh?

Maya Rudolph: Say what?

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I was in the laderhosen choir as a child. So, let me do this. These are the actual real words. Okay?

[singing] Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

Kristen Wiig: Whoa! Whoa! I’m sorry. You have a beautiful singing voice. But those words were crazy.

Maya Rudolph: That’s not cool.

Kristen Wiig: That’s not cool, what you just did.

Maya Rudolph: It’s not okay.

Kristen Wiig: No. Cream colored ponies?

Maya Rudolph: I’m just going say it. That sounds racist.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. I don’t know if I’m allowed to agree with you but I do.

Maya Rudolph: Yes, you do. Coz it’s racist!

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Maya Rudolph: I can’t believe you would say those things in front of Santa.

Kristen Wiig: And he’s up in show tonight. He is a guest of Lorn’s.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Those are the words.

Maya Rudolph: No, no. The way the song works is you say your own favorite things.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Because these times are so crazy that we’re in and your favorite things are going to get a little crazier too.

Kate McKinnon: Okay. I get it. Now, let’s do that again. Thank you.

[singing] Beef empanadas and beef chimichangas
pork empanadas and a pork chimichangas
chicken fajitas and chicken tacos
these are a few of my favorite though

Maya Rudolph: Much better.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Much better. Kate, are you hungry?

Kate McKinnon: No. Opposite. I’m very full. I was just listing everything that I just ate.

Kristen Wiig: Well, I love singing with you both. What do you say we take this home?

All: [singing] When the dog bites, ou, it bit me,
please arrest that dog
I simply remember my favorite things
and you two are two of my favorite things
good bye 2020, you really did sink
and now I don’t feel so bad

Kristen Wiig: We have a great show for you tonight. Dua Lipa is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Home Alone 2

Kevin… Melissa Villaseñor

Pigeon lady… Kristen Wiig

Harry… Kyle Mooney

Marv… Mikey Day

Male voice: It’s the 30th anniversary of Home Alone. And to celebrate, 20th century studios is releasing this never before seen ending to the Christmas classic, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

[Cut to the scene where the boy walks to the woman who is feeding pigeons.]

Kevin: Merry Christmas!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Wonderful to see your face.

Kevin: I just want to say thanks. When I was all alone here in the city, you were my friend.

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. It is I who should be thanks to you. Everything you gave me, the hot chocolate, the company, it’s hard being homeless. Specially during the holidays. But at least I have my pigeons.

Kevin: Whoa! So you sleep here?

Pigeon lady: Oh, yes. I have a place under the bridge over there.

Kevin: Cool. I’m sleeping at the room at the Plaza. It’s huge….. Well, see ya’!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. You said, “The Plaza”? But you’re just a child.

Kevin: Oh. I use my dad’s credit card. It’s crazy. I can get anything I want.

Pigeon lady: [her stomach is making noise of hunger] Anything?

Kevin: Yeah. Today, I had a giant pizza inside a limousine. Okay, take it easy.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Very well.

Kevin: Wait. Hey, sorry. I just had an idea. [pulls out a pizza box.] I had all this pizza left over and…

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Yes. My stomach is just–

Kevin: Yeah. It shouldn’t go to waste. Here you go, pigeons! [Kevin throws all the pizzas.]

Pigeon lady: [looking at pigeons eat the pizza] Ha-ha. Look at them go. You know, Kevin, I had an idea as well.

Kevin: Oh, yeah? What’s that?

Pigeon lady: Well, see, as you have that fancy credit card, maybe you could get two hotel rooms?

Kevin: Two hotel rooms for one kid? I don’t think so. You’re funny. Well, goodnight, pigeon lady.

Pigeon lady: Goodnight.

Kevin: Wait. Something just occurred to me. I have enough money to get you a room too.

Pigeon lady: Oh, really?

Kevin: Yeah. It’d be my pleasure. I’ll rent a suite for you as long as you want. And maybe some new clothes and food too. It is Christmas after all.

Pigeon lady: Indeed. Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin: Merry Christmas, pigeon lady.

[The thieves find Kevin]

Harry: Not so fast. Didn’t think you could lose us that easy, did you kid?

Marv: Yeah. Remember us? It’s Santi Clause and his little elf.

Harry: Turns out you’re on the naughty list.

Marv: And after all you’ve done, I think it’s time for a little payback.

Harry: Maybe in the form of your daddy’s credit card.

Pigeon lady: No, you can’t take this from me!

[Kevin runs and beats the thieves.]

Kevin: Wow! Holy smoke!

Pigeon lady: This is my ticket out of here. Die! [Kevin starts hitting the thieves with her umbrella. She’s getting all bloody.] Die! Die!

Kevin: [screaming] Ah!

Pigeon lady: Very well. There it is then. Two junior suits or one big one?

Kevin: The big ones.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Let’s all have a Merry Christmas then.

Kevin: Did you kill those guys?

Pigeon lady: No, Kevin. We killed them. We killed them.

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

A Teacher

Kyler… Andrew Dismukes

Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim

Principal… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a video clips from a school show]

Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”

[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]

Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?

Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?

Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.

Ms. Williams: You think you cute?

Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.

Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?

Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.

Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.

Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.

Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?

Kyler: Or we could go to your car.

Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.

Kyler: That’s cool.

Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?

Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.

Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?

Kyler: A little.

Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.

Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.

Kyler: See? You’re so confident.

Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.

Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.

Ms. Williams: Name one president.

Kyler: Huckleberry?

Ms. Williams: Oh my god!

Kyler: Kermit?

[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]

Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?

Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.

Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.

Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?

Principal: They are. I am.

Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?

Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.

Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?

[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]

Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.

Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.

Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.

[bell ringing]

Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.

Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?

Weekend Update: Omarosa Manigault Newman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Omarosa Manigault Newman… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael che. There’s a picture of Omarosa Manigault Newman at right top corner.]

Michael che: It was announced that Omarosa Manigault Newman was fired from her White House job, whatever the hell that was. My guess is secretary of the sunken place. But Omarosa’s firing did prompt this outcry of support from black women.

[Cut to video clips of black women in TV news not being supportive to Omarosa Manigault Newman] [Cut to Michael che]

Michael che: Man, when you get a bye from Robin Roberts, you know you suck.

[Omarosa Manigault Newman walks in]

Omarosa: Uh-uh! That is not accurate.

Michael che: Oh my! Omarosa? You’re still here?

Omarosa: Yes, Michael Che. And I demand a retraction. I left that job by choice.

Michael che: So you weren’t fired and forcefully removed from the White House?

Omarosa: That’s right. I quit.

Michael che: Okay.

Omarosa: I deactivated my ID card. I changed the locks on my own office. I escorted myself off the premises. And then, I threw myself into the bushes.

Michael che: Oh, is that so? Really?

Omarosa: Uh-huh.

[Security walks in]

Security: Let’s go, ma’am.

Omarosa: You can’t throw me out because I quit!

Michael che: You quit what? You don’t work here.

[The security is holding Omarosa’s arm.]

Omarosa: [to the security] Yeah, you better take my arm because I’m escorting you out of the building. And you better throw me into the Christmas tree.

Michael che: Omarosa Manigault Newman, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] She wants to get thrown into the Christmas tree. Okay. Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was Burger King. Police then took out their tasers and had it their way.

Weekend Update on Doug Jones Defeating Roy Moore

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey everyone. Merry Christmas.

Michael che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Alabama’s newest senator, not Roy Moore. [cheers and applause] That’s literally what’s it’s gonna say on his name plate. [Picture changes to Doug Jones on his desk with the name plate ‘Sen. Not Roy Moore’.] Doug Jones has become the first democrat to win a senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, “Gross. Over 20 years?”

After Jones’s victory, president Trump tweeted, “Congratulations to Doug Jones. The people of Alabama are great and the republicans will have another shot. It never ends!” That’s it? You just went all in for an accused paedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, “Well, we had fun. Good game, guys.” Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight and tomorrow he’d tweet, “Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime”

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael che: Flippity-flop? On Tuesday, we saw exactly why republicans try to keep black people from voting. 98% of black women voted for Doug Jones bringing the total number of black women who voted for Roy Moore to just Sheryl. Dammit, Sheryl.

Democratic national committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, “#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.” Um, but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote fo the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, “If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?” And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of nine senators at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is, you’re never gonna shame president grab ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Specially with inappropriate sex stuff coz he has already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard’s turn 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.

[Cut to Michael che. There are pictures of nine senators at right top corner.]

Michael che: I actually think president Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken and probably rigged and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults, and still somehow be more like-able than Hillary Clinton. Point taken. We learned our lesson. What else is there? If this was a Christmas movie, this could be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared and then we realized that you lived inside of us the whole time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 75th Golden Globe Awards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snob women in Hollywood are calling “The least of our problems.” [Picture changes to the people in Hollywood industry accused of sexual assault allegations.]

Office Phone Call

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Doug… Kevin Hart

Lao… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with offie staff having a meeting]

Cecily: And as you can see, our third quarter revenue was down almost 5% but our online sales in the past few weeks suggest a lot of upside. Any thoughts?

[Kate raising hand]

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say I think there’s a huge opportunity to expand further into the biotech sector. That’s where we’ve seen the biggest growth.

[Doug interrupting. He is holding his phone.]

Doug: [on the phone] Hello? What? What is that? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Okay. Are you serious? Are you se– Oh, my god! How’s home? Alright. I’ll– I’ll be right there. Oh, my god! Okay. Alright, I’m coming now. [Doug stands] Oh, my god. Guys, I’m so sorry. Something just came up. I gotta run. Yeah. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Cecily: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Um, yeah.

Cecily: Doug, it’s okay.

Doug: What is?

Cecily: Doug, you don’t have to keep doing this. You can just use the bathroom.

Doug: Excuse me?

Kate: Doug, every time we have a meeting after lunch, you loudly take a phone call and you fake some kind of emergency. It’s clearly coz you have to use the bathroom.

Lao: Yeah. It always sounds like a family emergency, but then you’re back in like, 8 minutes.

Doug: Oh. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my family emergencies only take 8 minutes. You know what? I guess next time I’ll tell my family to be in more trouble, Lao.

Cecily: Doug. Just go to the bathroom.

Doug: No. No. No. Because I don’t have to go to the bathroom. No. You know what? I had to deal with something urgent regarding the loved one, but forget it. Work is more important. They can just suffer. Please continue.

Cecily: Okay. Fine. Anyone else wanna weigh in on the biotech side?

[Doug is biting his fingers having a hard time not going to the toilet. He is making funny faces.]

Beck: Yeah. I get that we’ve made huge strides in biotech, but most of that comes from a single patent that expires in two years. And two other points, we have very little cash to invest.

Doug: [squeaky voice] Ahhh!

Beck: And the overhead for the laboratory is much higher.

[Doug is banging the table.]

Cecily: Doug, you disagree?

Doug: Uh-huh.

Cecily: Lao, thoughts?

Lao: I don’t know. I still think pharmaceuticals are bread and butter. So… [Doug is stomping his feet and making noises. Lao looks at Doug.] I mean, I don’t know–

Doug: [Doug acts like he’s on the phone again.][interrupting] What’s that? What? Oh, my god! You tell me it’s more urgent now? Yeah. But I can’t. I can’t just leave work. Okay? I don’t care how many stairs you fell down, Nana.

Cecily: Doug.

Doug: Stop! Stop! What’s that? What? You think. You think you can just meet me at work on the 5th floor where where it’s totally empty but the bathroom still works? Okay. Alright, hang in there, Nana. [Doug puts down the phone] Guys, I just got a call.

Lao: Okay. We know you got a call.

Doug: Yeah. You know what? My Nana is really sick.

Leslie: You said she fell down the stairs.

Doug: Yeah. And she’s sick of it. She’s sick of falling down the stairs.

Cecily: Doug. Doug, just go to the bathroom.

Doug: I’m sorry, what? What did you say?

Kate: Doug, just go to the bathroom. You’re visibly sweating, Doug.

Doug: You know what? I resent these accusations. I really do. If you don’t believe that my Nana needs me very urgently in the 5th floor bathroom so we can have ourselves a private family conversation for about 8 to fifteen minutes, then forget it. Forget it. I’ll stay. You win. Please. Proceed. [Doug takes the seat, and when he does, he farts loudly.]

Cecily: Um, hey Doug.

[Doug is all sweating.]

Doug: Yeah.

Cecily: Doug. Um, did you just S your Ps?

Doug: Probably not.

Kate: Oh, Doug, Doug.

Lao: [loudly] Ring, right. [Lao takes his phone] Oh, hey, Doug, it’s for you, man. It’s your Nana.

Doug: It’s Nana?

[Lao nods his head yes]

Kate: [also holding her phone] Yeah. Doug, she called me too. She said it’s emergency

Doug: An emergency?

Beck: [Beck is just putting his hand on his ear]Yeah. She said to meet her on the 5th floor bathroom. And there’s a shower there too. Just FYI.

Leslie: [Leslie is also just putting her hand on her ear] And she also said to tell you that a J. Crew is in the lobby, so underwear.

Doug: Oh, man. I mean, it’s weird that she would even say all that, but okay. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I better go deal with this for my Nana. Excuse me.

[Doug takes one step at a time to move to the door and out.]

Cecily: He’s in the elevator. Okay. I think we can continue now.

[Lao puts the phone to his ear]

Lao: Hello? Oh, my god, Nana?

Leslie: Just go to the bathroom, Lao.

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out] [The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals] [Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.