Tag: episode 9

Marzipan

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

Marcello Hernandez

Austin Butler

Kenan: What do little children yearn for this time of year? The sweet treats they ask Santa for more than any ever. The confection they dream up most of all, is it candy canes? Hershey Kisses? No! It’s…

Kids: Marzipan. Yayy.

Kenan: That’s right. Marzipan, the mostly almond almost candy from Boubakeur, Germany with the flavor of nuts, but the texture of nuts. And what is its name?

Chloe: Marzipan.

Marcello: Marzipan.

Sarah: Marzipan.

Austin: Marzipan.

Bowen: Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: it comes in any shape you can think of as long as you mostly think of banana.

Chloe: Mine’s a little apple.

Marcello: And mine’s a pear.

Sarah: Mine’s a little unshaped log.

Austin: Me too. He-he-he.

Bowen: Mine’s… Ah! [just shouts out in happiness]

Kenan: That’s right. The child’s choice. The candy with as much protein as a bite of steak. But don’t take it from me. Take it from these strange British children.

Chloe: I love Marzipan. You can almost taste the taste.

Marcello: I used to think that the best candy was Circus peanuts. But now I know it’s Marzipan.

Austin: If a stranger said to me “Come in my car, I’ve got candy,” I’d say, “No.” But if they said “I have Marzipan,” I’d say “Abduct me, baby.”

Kenan: As soon as you finish one, you’ll want another and that’s probably enough. Just remember, don’t eat it within 12 hours of going to sleep or after 12 hours of waking up. Now children, would you like to see our expert chef making a fresh batch?

Austin: Me? I’ll go. I’m oldest.

Michael: Hello, there. I’m making Marzipan.

Austin: Is the recipe a secret?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Is it just almonds?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: Do you mush them up?

Michael: Yeah.

Austin: And then it’s Marzipan?

Michael: Yes. Oh, wait, let’s see if the batch is ready. [Michael tastes a little bit] Yuck, it’s perfect. And remember, it must be refrigerated and consumed within 50 years.

Sarah: Oh, it will never last that long.

Kenan: Now look what I have, children.

Chloe: Is that what I think it is?

Kenan: That’s right. A brand new pack of M.

Chloe: Mine’s a little pig.

Sarah: Mine’s baby’s ass.

Marcello: I think that’s a pear.

Bowen: Mine’s a little me. Oh, oh, oh.

Austin: Oh no. One is missing. Someone has stolen a Marzipan.

Kenan: Oh, silly me. All right, children time for the big number. The Marzipan reel.

[music playing]

[kids are dancing]

And now the song.

Kids: [singing] Marzipan, Marzipan
chocolate can’t do what Marzi-can
children love a special treat
how bout one that’s almost sweet
I’d like a bite, if I could
flavor is almost good
if my Marzipan could talk
It would say I taste like chalk

Maa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaar zipaa-aaa-aaa-aaan.

Male voice: Marzipan, you’ll believe your mouth. In the German aisle of CVS.

A Christmas Epiphany

Rich… Austin Butler

Jimbo… Mikey Day

Steven… Andrew Dismukes

Janine… Heidi Gardner

Son… Marcello Hernandez

Daughter… Sarah Sherman

Denice… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rich walking out of the bar]

Rich: Come on now Jimbo, I’m fine.

Jimbo: Rich, you know I’m just looking out for you. Now, come on, give me your car keys. You ain’t driving home tonight.

Rich: All right. It’s a good night for a walk home anyhow.

Jimbo: Rich, what are you doing out here drinking on Christmas Eve. Ain’t you got no family?

Rich: Family? Who needs family?

Jimbo: What about that girl Denise you’ve been going round with? Why don’t you with her?

Rich: I called that whole thing off, Jimbo. You know me. I’m a lone wolf. That’s the way I like it.

Jimbo: I’m trying my best boss. I’m trying my best.

[Rich is walking home alone drinking]

Rich: Family? Who would want to get tied down or something like that? Not me, I’ll tell you. No sirree.

[Rich walks to a house and peeks inside the window. He sees a happy family having Christmas dinner.]

Look at them. So much love. That’s what I’ve been afraid of all these years? So beautiful.

Janine: [scared] Steven, there is a man staring at us through our window.

Steven: Yes, I can see him. Just stay calm like he isn’t there. He’ll lose interest and he’ll leave.

Rich: [being emotional] I spent my whole life running for what? Just to be all alone on Christmas Eve?

Janine: He isn’t leaving.

Steven: Janine, relax.

Janine: How can I relax when there’s a pervert lurking in our window?

Steven: He’s trying to freak us out, Janine. That’s what gets him off. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Rich: [being emotional] Oh, I should have married Denice. I drove her away. [looking at his reflection on the window glass] Look at you. You make me sick. You ruined my life.

Son: Dad, I think the man wants to kill me.

Janine: Steven, he’s scaring our children. Stop just sitting there and be a man.

Steven: What do you want me to do, Janine?

Janine: I want you to protect our family.

Daughter: Go out there and make him leave, dad. Please.

Steven: I’m not going out there. Are you crazy? Just don’t look at him. He’ll leave.

Janine: You are a coward.

Rich: [being emotional] What have I done? Wasted years at the office. Working day in and day out. What do I have to show for it? Fancy suit? [he starts throwing away his suit] Silk tie?

Janine: Are you happy now? He is exposing himself.

Steven: Oh, sorry. I don’t want to get killed, Janine.

Janine: You are pathetic, and that is why I did what I did last summer.

Son: What happened last summer?

Steven: Your mother stepped outside of our marriage.

Daughter: What?

Rich: [being emotional] Give me another chance at life. Let me start again and have a perfect family like this.

Daughter: Mom, how could you cheat on dad?

Janine: Because I haven’t been attracted to him in years.

Jimbo: Come on, Rich. Get ahold of yourself.

Rich: Jimbo, you an angel?

Jimbo: Yeah. Something like that.

Rich: You gotta help me. I’m wasting my life.

Steven: Holy god.

Janine: Kids, don’t look at the man. Don’t look at the man.

Son: Why?

Steven: Listen to your mother!

Rich: And now I’ll never have a family.

Jimbo: I wouldn’t be too sure that.

[Denice walks in]

Denice: Rich? Rich, is that you?

Rich: Denice? What are you doing here?

Denice: Oh, I was just passing by. I’ve been thinking about you, Rich.

Rich: Denice, would you please take me back? I’m ready to have a family now.

Denice: Oh, Rich. Of course, I will.

Jimbo: Nice work boss. Nice work.

Janine: Oh, I think he’s leaving.

Steven: [yelling] Yeah, get out of here. Be it. You hear me? See? I get rid of it. You don’t have to worry anymore. You’re safe now.

Son: Way to go, dad.

Daughter: Way to go, dad.

Janine: Wow, what a hero.

[They look outside. Now Jimbo is staring inside the window. Steven gets scared and runs away.]

The Phrase That Pays

Dan Smatter… James Austin Johnson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Troy… Austin Butler

Evie… Evie Johnson

[Starts with Dan Smatter in his show set]

Dan Smatter: Hey everybody, I’m Dan Smatter, and welcome to another great round of ‘The Phrase That Pays’. The game where three players can find the  missing letters in our word puzzles for big big prizes.

[Beth presses the buzzer.]

Yes?

Beth: So this is the wheel of fortune but with no wheel?

Dan Smatter: Don’t do that. That’s not nice. We have three great contestants, Evie, Troy and Beth. We don’t really have time for a fun fact from everybody. So I don’t know. Why don’t you just go down the line and tell everyone your ages.

Evie: Really? Okay. 36.

Troy: 34.

Beth: No.

Dan Smatter: Great. Let’s look at the first puzzle. The category is song. And Evie, let’s start with you.

Evie: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one. But I’m gonna save that for later in the game. For now, let’s just go with T.

Dan Smatter: There is one T. You’ve got five seconds to solve.

Evie: Oh. Mama. Mama said… Mama. Mama whale. Mama can… Mama did a… Mama will…

[buzzer sound]

Dan Smatter: I’m sorry Evie. It’s not that. It’s not anything mamma. Troy, you’re up?

Troy: Okay. It’s not Hotel California is it?

[It’s right answer.]

Dan Smatter: Wow. Alright. Troy, I thought you were gonna get another letter but you went and solved the whole thing. How do you do that?

Troy: Well…

Beth: Yeah. How did you do that?

Troy: Well, you said it was a song and Hotel California is a song. So I thought maybe it was Hotel California.

Dan Smatter: Well, you’ve banked $1,000. Here’s our next puzzle. The category is books. And we’ll start with Beth.

Beth: Okay, I got a lot of letters going through my mind right now. Trying to think of a common one. How about X?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Beth, but there’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is, I see one right there. [pointing at a cross on the screen]

Dan Smatter: Oh, that just comes up when you make a wrong guess. That is a little confusing. Evie, you’re up.

Evie: Okay, I’m not ready use my B just yet. But is there a C?

Dan Smatter: There’s one scene. You’ve got five seconds.

Evie: Okay. Mama won’t… Daddy. Daddy will? Daddy mama did?

[buzzer]

Dan Smatter: Sorry Evie, time’s up.

Evie: I was so close.

Dan Smatter: Not even in the ballpark. Troy?

Troy: Is it ‘All the lights We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr?

Dan Smatter: Amazing. Are you a book lover, Troy?

Troy: No, actually, I haven’t done that yet.

Dan Smatter: Write a book?

Troy: It’s on my list.

Beth: Okay, something’s not right here.

Dan Smatter: You’re right. We need a new puzzle because Troy’s on a roll, and Troy, your category is famous quotes.

Troy: Well, my favorite letter is B because I’m a bad one.

Evie: What’s?

Troy: So I’m gonna say B.

Dan Smatter: Five seconds.

Troy: Wow, I’m completely stumped. Yeah, I have no idea. My mind is a total blank. I give up.

[Right answer bell. The answer is actually what he just said.]

Dan Smatter: Oh my God. That’s right.

Beth: What? That is not a famous quote.

Dan Smatter: Yes, it is. It says here Benjamin Franklin said it when he was trying to think of the light bulb.

Beth: Okay, well, that’s not right. And he’s cheating. He’s got a device in his ass like that chess player.

Troy: No, I don’t.

Dan Smatter: Okay, okay. We have time for one more category which is medicine. Like to guess, Beth? Or would you rather come play?

Beth: Fine, I’ll play. And I gotta go with my gut, X.

Dan Smatter: There’s no X.

Beth: Yes there is. [pointing at the cross on screen]

Dan Smatter: No there isn’t. Troy. The categories medicine.

Troy: Oh, well, I don’t know anything about that. Is it Ellen Pompeo feel super happy after Grey’s Anatomy exit? [It’s the right answer]

Beth: Okay, no. He is definitely cheating and there’s an ‘X’ in that.

Dan Smatter: What? Oh yeah. Sorry. Who cares? Well, we’ll be right back with more Phrase that Pays.

Austin Butler Monologue

Austin Butler

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Austin Butler.

[Austin Butler walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Austin Butler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Now last year’s Christmas show was canceled because everyone got COVID. So this year we came up with a foolproof plan to ensure that no one would get COVID. We stopped testing.

I do want to address something. There’s there’s people out there who say that ever since I played Elvis, my voice has changed. That it got deeper. More Elvis-y. But that’s not true. I’ve always sounded like this and I can prove it. Here’s a clip from an interview I did 10 years ago.

[Cut to the invertivew]

Interviewer: How excited are you to be Sebastian on the Carrie Diary?

Austin Butler: [in helium voice] I’m really excited. It’s been a great experience so far.

[Cut back to Austin Butler on stage]

Austin Butler: You see? A lot of people don’t know that I’ve been acting since I was a kid. And even back then, I was always into really intense immersive acting. Like when I was 12, I would be doing a part on a Disney or Nickelodeon show. But meanwhile, I’d be studying Raging Bull or a Taxi Driver. So I’d be on set and I’d be like, “I didn’t screw your wife.” And director would be like, “Austin cut. Put down the knife. You’re scaring iCarly.”

And when I wasn’t acting, I was actually a really shy kid. You know, like really shy. But luckily my mom decided to homeschool me and my sister, so I was also weird. By the way, my sister is actually here tonight. Happy birthday Ashley.

We grew up in Anaheim, California, hence the southern accent. And since we were homeschooled, sometimes my mom would say we’re taking the day off. We’re going to Disneyland. We’d be so excited. And then by like the 9th time she did that, I was like, “I don’t think Mom knows how to teach.”

But I love my mom. Some of my favorite memories from growing up or she and I watching SNL together. We watched every week. And even though I had is crippling shyness when I was with her, I’d do anything to make my mom laugh. I’d make funny faces and voices. I’d even do this ridiculous Gollum impression. [Doing the Gollum impression] Man Loves the hobbitses.

My mom like all moms was a huge Gollum fan. Really, being silly with her is what broke me out of my shell. And it’s the core of what started me in acting. Now, my mom is no longer with this. But I’ve been thinking about her a lot this week, just imagining how proud she would be that her son who used to not even be able to order food for myself at a restaurant is now standing on this stage. [cheers and applause]

Tonight, just know that anytime you see me doing a silly voice or making a funny face, that’s for you, Ma.

We got a great show for you tonight. LIzzo is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Trump NFT Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]

[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.

You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.

And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.

[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]

Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.

[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.

Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]

There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s  Saturday night.

Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney

[Starts with Tom Hanks on SNL stage]

Tom Hanks: I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic. And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming. Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal. But then it all just magically disappeared. [listening to his ear piece] What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case, here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.

[Cut to the sketch]

Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin: “When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin: “Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together: “‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: Mr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean Martin: Miss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

The Christmas Socks

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: You know, Christmas is a time of charity and giving. And that was the inspiration for this next music video, which I shot yesterday morning, with Kyle Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Heidi Gardner, Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, and what should have been tonight’s musical guests Charlie XCX. It’s a heartfelt Christmas song about a magical moment between a boy and a strange man at a department store. Enjoy.

[Cut to the music video]

Paul Rudd: [singing] It was almost Christmas Day
there I stood in line to pay
at the big department store
Christmas time’s become a chore
standing right in front of me
six year old waiting nervously
when I saw him I was shocked
in his hands he held a pair of socks.

Kyle Mooney: I said I want to buy these socks
for my dear old mom
it’s Christmas and they’d be the perfect socks
it’s been a real tough year
see we got a bird
and it looks as if the bird has flown away

[the boy pays with a coins]

Paul Rudd: The boy was low on cash
so I helped him out
but then I had ask about this bird
tell me about the bird
did it say any words
or was it just one of those quiet birds?

Kyle Mooney: I guess I’d say quiet bird
never heard a word
just a bird that we got at the store

Paul Rudd: Well, I once had a bird
it never squawk to said hello
to me that’s kind of a waste of a bird

Kenan Thompson: [as a storekeeper] Hey, I’m sorry guys
but there’s a big old line
can you please give me the money for the socks?

Paul Rudd: Oh, hey, that’s my bad
go ahead, little boy
buy your mom these perfect
but wait before you do
a quick question for you
did you have a name for your bird?

Kyle Mooney: Great question, sir
we had a name for our bird
and that name was TJ Rocks

Paul Rud: TJ Rocks
that’s an interesting name
sounds like she was one of a kind

Heidi Gardner: [angry in line] I’m sorry. Can you move this conversation someplace else?

Alex Moffat: Yeah. Is he gonna pay for the Christmas socks?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah. [he pays the bill.]

[suddenly Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: There you are my son
I’ve been looking for you
I have some news about TJ Rocks

Kyle Mooney: Is it good news or bad?
what would you say it like that?
Tell me what is up with TJ rocks?

Paul Rud: I’d like to know too
Hi, I haven’t met you
I am friends with your son

Aidy Bryant: Well, I don’t like that
but back to the news
TJ Rocks is back and started a band

[Charli XCX in a bird costume singing]

TJ Rocks: I am TJ Rocks

Paul Rudd: So, she does talk.

TJ Rocks: These are the Junk Yard Boys [the band]
and we would like to play a song for you
two, three, four
I took a bus to the lay and a gock with the Junk Yard Boys

Band: TJ Rocks, TJ Rocks,

TJ Rocks: We got rich and famous,
we would wanna spend Christmas with you.

[everybody is clapping]

Kyle Mooney: TJ, you’re back.

TJ Rocks: I love you, little boy.

Kyle Mooney: [giving his mom the socks] Merry Christmas, Mom.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, sweetie.

Paul Rudd: One more thing. Will you marry me?

Aidy Bryant: Of course.

Paul Rudd and Kyle Mooney: That’s the story of Christmas socks.

 

HomeGoods

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Evelyn… Aidy Bryant

Casey… Paul Rudd

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Tina Fey, Tom Hanks and Kenan Thompson on SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: This first piece, I shot on Thursday night with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon. It’s about holiday gifts.

[Cut to the sketch. Eileen and Evelyn are on the commercial shooting set. Casey walks to them.]

Eileen: You look gorgeous.

Evelyn: You too.

Casey: Evelyn., Eileen, welcome. We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial. We know how much you love home goods.

Eileen: Yeah, we sure do.

Evelyn: Yeah, maybe too much.

Casey: I’m the director, Casey Home Goods. And I got this job on merit.

Evelyn: Okay.

Casey: Anyway, it can be hard to know what to get moms for the holidays. That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what they actually want. Think you can do that?

Eileen: Well, I should think so.

Evelyn: Yeah, I think We can handle that.

Casey: Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl. And action. Okay moms, what do you want for the holidays?

Eileen: Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy.

Evelyn: Don’t spend too much.

Casey: No, really? What would you like?

Eileen: Maybe… No, I don’t know.

Evelyn: Just a small… Nothing.

Casey: Seriously. You can be honest. What do you really want?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: Okay, sure. But what do you want this year?

Eileen: Grandchildren.
Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: What about something from Home Goods?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Eileen: Grandchildren. A son for my son.

Evelyn: Five grandchildren.

Casey: I think we’ve got grandchildren. Maybe we could just branch out.

Evelyn: A fuzzy blanket to swallow grandchildren.

Casey: Closer.

Eileen: Um, oh, a cake stand.

Casey: Hey, there you go.

Eileen: With grandchildren on top.

Casey: Can you just say sweater?

Evelyn: Why?

Casey: Just to have it.

Evelyn: Baby sweater.

Casey: Okay. Just sweaters.

Evelyn: Just baby.

Casey: Cut. Okay, so the thing about home goods is that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.

Eileen: That sounds like a you problem.

Evelyn: Yeah, can you check in the back?

Casey: No.

Evelyn: Well, sorry. Well, I mean, we’ve never been actor before.

Eileen: Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want out loud before. So that feels pretty good.

Casey: I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try gifts for somebody else. All right. Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best place for family gifts. What’s on your list this year?

Eileen: I want Kelsey to be full of my son.

Evelyn: I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey.

Casey: Oh my God.

Eileen: I want her daughter fertilized.

Evelyn: I want them to do the naked marriage dance.

Eileen: Fulfill the wedding promise.

Evelyn: I want the baby to come out of Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.

Casey: Items that cost money.

Eileen: Scissors to cut holes in condoms to give to Kelsey.

Casey: What? No!

Eileen: Candles to light around the living room so they make grandchildren on the carpet.

Eileen: You sell oysters here?

Casey: No, of course not.

Evelyn: I feel like I bought oysters.

Casey: Cut. Look, you two are some of our biggest Home Goods shoppers. Just today, you bought hand soap that smells like wine, 8×10 canvas with the word encourage on it.

Evelyn: A good reminder.

Casey: You know what? I’m just gonna feed you some things that we do sell. And then you just say them back. Alright? Crockpot.

Eileen: Toddler.

Casey: Apron.

Evelyn: Grandson.

Casey: Nope. Milk frother.

Eileen: Milk daughter.

Casey: Christmas wreath.

Evelyn: Boy named Keith.

Casey: Mr. Klen Magic Eraser.

Eileen: Many magic children faster.

Casey: Coffee table book.

Evelyn: No.

Casey: Cut. I don’t know why you guys are so hung up on grandchildren.

Eileen: Casey. Do you have kids?

Casey: No, no way. Too much responsibility. I mean, kids are cute. It’s nice to see them every once in a while. But not all the time.

Evelyn: Yes.

Casey: I mean, sure, it would be fun to take a little scamp who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel. Say good job when she does cartwheels on my lawn. Oh my God. I want grandchildren. Grandchildren are amazing. They don’t blame you for anything. They just play clarinet and get into college. I want them.

Evelyn: I want to take them to the Science Museum and buy them a necklace in the gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.

Eileen: I want to say something weird that makes them consider having a confrontation with me. And then do the math on how long I have and decide not to bother.

Casey: Yeah. I want to have weird opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.

Evelyn: Yes, it’s the wrong shape.

Casey: You guys are right. I’m sorry.

Eileen: It’s over. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Evelyn: Oh, that’s me.

Kelsey: Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.

Evelyn: We did it!

Casey: It’s happening!

Eileen: Kelsey!

5-Timers Cold Open

Paul Rudd

Tom Hanks

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with Tom Hanks walking into the SNL stage]

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members. Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show and adopt a new member into the five timers club. But COVID came early this year. So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV, well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

[Tina Fey walks in]

Tina Fey: Whoo! Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive. Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tom Hanks: Tina, another five times. Thank you for joining me. As you know, I started the five timers club.

Tina Fey: Oh, like you started COVID.

Tom Hanks: Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the stage through the door]

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Good to see you, kiddo.

Paul Rudd: Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I’m extremely disappointed.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Tom Hanks: Well, it’s not all that bad. People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.

Paul Rudd: Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Tom Hanks: [sarcasm] Okay, right, yeah.

Paul Rudd: Well, there was a whole show planned. And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my five timer jacket.

Tom Hanks: Or will you? Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member, Mr. Kenan Thompson.

[Kenan Thompson walks in with a 5 timers’ jacket]

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. Good to see you. Good to see you. [looking around] Whoa! Where is everybody?

Paul Rudd: Kenan, having you heard?

Kenan Thompson: Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, covid.

Kenan Thompson: Well, is that real?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s real.

Kenan Thompson: I’m just kidding. Come on. We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.

[Kenan Thompson puts on the jacket on Paul Rudd]

Paul Rudd: Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Tina fey: Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the five timer experience you were hoping for but someone did pre record a very special message just for you. Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.

[Cut to a video clip from Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: I’m a huge fan of Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …and Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …one of my favorite movies, Forest…

Dubbed voice: …Ant-man.

[Martin Short walks in with a glass of water]

Martin Short: [whispering] It’s Paul Rudd.

Steve Martin: Oh, it’s Martin Short. You remember the five timers club? Right?

Martin Short: No.

Steve Martin: How many times have you hosted?

Martin Short: Three.

Steve Martin: Huh! [Steve Martin pushes Martin Short away] So congratulations, Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

[Cut back to the SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Oh, wow. Thanks.

Tom Hanks: I just thought that was great.

Kenan Thompson: And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody, including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.

Tina Fey: And we were also going to show some of our personal favorite sketches from past episodes.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary. A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like, “Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.”

Tom Hanks: So, get us started Mr. Sexy five timer.

Paul Rudd: Okay.