Tag: episode 9

Weekend Update- Smokey Robinson on Celebrating the Holidays

Michael Che

Smokey Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The holidays are here. As we all know, there are many ways to celebrate. Here to talk to us about that is music legend, Smokey Robinson.

[Smokey Robinson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Oh, baby, baby.

Michael Che: Hey, Smokey. Thanks for joining us.

Smokey Robinson: Ah! I bet you didn’t expect me to sing today, did you?

Michael Che: That’s the one thing I definitely thought would happen. Now, smokey, I’m surprised you’re here to talk about the holidays after a cameo went viral of you saying Chanukkah instead of Hanukkah.

Smokey Robinson: Yes, Michael. I did mess up, Michael. But the word, it’s a crazy looking word. In my first grade, teacher always told me to sound it out. And that method has never failed me until now, but it was an opportunity to learn.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Smokey Robinson: Well, I did some research. The internet has some fantastic resources like Google and Wikipedia. Turns out, it’s not pronounced Chanukkah, it’s Hanukkah. And there’s a whole race of people that have been celebrating it for thousands of years.

Michael Che: Wait. Are you just now hearing about Jewish people?

Smokey Robinson: Hold up. You know about Jewish people already?

Michael Che: Of course, I know about Jewish people. I work in show business.

Smokey Robinson: Oh. You young people are something else. When I was growing up, all we had was white people. Skinny white, fat white, mean white, nice white, off white. That was it.

Michael Che: Smokey, that can’t be true.

Smokey Robinson: It is. I only heard about Jewish people this week. But I’ve been doing a lot of research over the last three days and there’s probably things you don’t know. They are wonderful people, Michael. You hear about– They got their own little hats called ya-moe-keys to show their devotion to god?

Michael Che: You mean yarmulkes.

Smokey Robinson: You say tomato, I say tumortoa.

Michael Che: Nobody says that, Smokey.

Smokey Robinson: Ay, you think you know everything? Well, if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t have that tone.

Michael Che: What tone?

Smokey Robinson: Michael, I see you smirking because you think the Jewish people had easy road. You think it’s all light in the mano-ran and spinning the draden.

Michael Che: Draden, Smokey?

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Draden, draden, draden
I made you our of clay

Now, although I sound beautiful, it’s more to it than that. I read a pretty bad time with Jewish had went through.

Michael Che: Smokey, I thought you were coming to give us ideas for holiday gifts or something.

Smokey Robinson: Oh, my goodness. You’re right. You’re right. But you gotta realize this season, it isn’t about gifts, Michael. No. It’s about reflecting and loving your life. This year I’m playing to get my children and go to my Jewish place of worship. You may call it a swag along or tem-play and enjoy some potato lash keys and monster ball soup.

Michael Che: Monster balls? I hardly understood what you read and that sounds kind of nice.

Smokey Robinson: Also, I saw your mother. She said she can’t wait to see you on Crimans AV.

Michael Che: Christmas eve?

Smokey Robinson: I don’t know, man.

Michael Che: Smokey Robinson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The vaccine has been rolled out with about a thousand Americans taking it this week, but I don’t know guys. I’m still feeling skeptical. So, to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in] [cheers and applause]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Oh, man. It’s a Christmas miracle. The vaccine is finally here.

Michael Che: I don’t know if I trust this vaccine, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I was skeptical too, Michael. I’ve been searching for that vaccine since March. And I was starting to give up hope.

Michael Che: What do you mean you were searching for the vaccine?

Willie: Well, you know. I’d go down to the city park, pick up some needles up the ground, try them out.

Michael Che: Willie, that is very dangerous.

Willie: Well, Michael, if you want to hit the lotto, you got to crack some eggs.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Finally, I just got lucky and CEO of Pfizer personally knocked on my window to give me the vaccine.

Michael Che: Are you sure that was the CEO of Pfizer?

Willie: Of course, Michael. Unless that was just some African dude making it up.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Willie: No. It was him.

Michael Che: Willie, aren’t you worried about the side effects?

Willie: Oh, Michael, we all have birth defects.

Michael Che: I said side effects.

Willie: But that’s not the vaccine’s for. At most, it makes you a little sleepy. But you wake up in a tub of ice good as new.

Michael Che: In a tub of ice?

Willie: Well, it’s like they say, Michael. “They replaced your organs with newspaper again, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, man.

Willie: I guess I’m just a little more trusting than doctors since my grand daddy worked in medicine.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. He was famous too. He was the first person chosen to take a miracle vaccine that would make his town safe again. And it worked too.

Michael Che: What vaccine was that?

Willie: It was called “The lethal injection”.

Michael Che: Willie, I’m still worried about taking that shot.

Willie: Oh, Michael! You sound just like my old dog Lucias. He didn’t want to take his shot either. He’d run and hide until we found a little trick. We put some peanut butter on the barrel of the rifle and he ran right to it.

Michael Che: Rifle?

Willie: Yes. It’s like they always say, “You can’t make a fur coat out of just one dog, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, this isn’t making anybody feel better.

Willie: Oh, Michael! Michael! This has been a tough year for everybody. But we can still get through this. You know, I was pretty sick myself this year.

Michael Che: Oh, I didn’t know that, Willie.

Willie: Yeah. I followed all the rules. I wore mask. Kept 500 feet away from schools. But I still got affected. I had all the symptoms. Heavy cough, no sense of smell or taste, tiny bumps on my peepee, could barely breathe. But did I let that stop me from beat boxing at the nursing home?

Michael Che: I really hope it did.

Willie: No, sir. It’s like they always say in show biz, Michael. “You wiped off St. Mary’s village, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, everybody!

Weekend Update- Landis Trotter on Holiday Gifting

Michael Che

Landis Trotter… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Christmas is approaching and most of us still have shopping to do. Here to share her holiday gift guide is Instagram influencer, Landis Trotter.

[Landis Trotter slides in]

Landis Trotter: Yes. Hey, Michael. Hey, guys. I just wanted to hop on Update real quick and say hi.

Michael Che: So, on Instagram, you have half a million followers and you’re here today with your holiday gift guide?

Landis Trotter: Yes. Everything I’m sharing with you today are just my favorite products and go-tos. No sponsored ads.

Michael Che: Great. What do you recommend as a present for a romantic partner? I know a lot of people could use help with that.

Landis Trotter: Oh, yes. I mean, a lot of guys are totally out to see. But last Christmas, my now fiancé, Mark, totally nailed it. He said, “Go, look under the tree.” And I saw a box. And I was like, “Mark?” And he was like, “Open it.” And inside the box was Private Banking from Merrill Lynch. [an ad of Merrill Lynch bank appears at the corner.] As life of all, Merrill Lynch is changing the way we look at retirement. Use code “OLDPEEPLE” for free shipping.

Michael Che: So, you’re recommending concierge retirement banking for romantic gift. This seems like an ad.

Landis Trotter: No. Merrill Lynch is thoughtful and responsible. And it’s– Oh! @MerryllLynch.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what gift do you recommend for moms?

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Moms are so hard to shop for. I mean, specially mine. She’s like, really classy. But I do know she loves anything cinnamon and nutmeg. She’s always like, “The spice must flow.” That’s why this holiday season, I partnered with a movie “Dune” at HBO MAX. From the mind of Frank Herbert and visionary director Denis Villeneuve. Use code “SANDWORM” and check out for 5% off Dune.

Michael Che: So, you think people should buy “Dune” for their momes?

Landis Trotter: I do. I do. I use it everyday. It changed my life.

Michael Che: Alright. Well Landis, I still haven’t got anything for my boss and I love to get him something from a small business.

Landis Trotter: Okay. Well, my next gift is small and local. I’m giving my boss Hitachi Healthcare Xray imaging. No one should have to wonder what their bones look like.

Michael Che: Landis, come on. Wholesale Xray equipment for my boss?

Landis Trotter: I know. But I have to say that because they give me the money.

Michael Che: So, these are all ads?

Landis Trotter: Yes. [in soft voice] For me to get money and free stuff and brag to people I went to high school with that I’m doing good and that I grew up pretty and I’m a money maker now.

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry, Landis. I think you’re great, personally.

Landis Trotter: Really, Michael?

Michael Che: So great that this Christmas morning, you deserve a sizzling patty of Jimmy Dean sausage.

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Is that an ad?

Michael Che: Yes. Use code “JIMMYCHE” for 1% off.

Landis Trotter: 1%? Michael, that’s what I want to be.

Michael Che: Landis Trotter, everybody.

Weekend Update- Cleveland Indians Name Change and Tom Cruise Covid Rant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a logo of Cleveland Indians at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Cleveland Indians have decided to remove the term ‘Indian’ from their team name. Yes, it’s nice. Yet, somehow we’re cool calling the only black people in Utah, the Jazz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MacKenzie Scott at right top corner.]

Michael Che: MacKenzie Scott, Jeff Bezos ex wife has given away more than $4 billion to pandemic relief organizations. Not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos has offered Amazon workers free Gatorade bottles for bathroom breaks.

[Picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

A former advisor to New York governor Andrew Cuomo has accused him of sexually her for years making him the odds-on favorite for the 2024 nomination. You’re not going to like the rest of these. Cuomo denies the allegations claiming that he would never be inappropriate to any broad with frickin dynamite baazoombas.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car covered with snow at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in New York state was trapped inside his car for 10 hours over night when a plow covered his car in four feet of snow. Even more amazing, his wife believed that story.

Weekend Update- Christmas Joke Swap 2020

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. That’s true. We’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yes. Fun, harmless, inoffensive jokes, right Che?

Michael Che: Hey, man. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many doctors are saying that they have a hard time convincing their black patients to agree to take the covid vaccine. Well, maybe they should try telling them, “It makes you immune from paying child support.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of “Hocus Pocus” movie poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty racist, Colin! It was revealed that the sequel of the movie “Hocus Pocus” is in the words for Disney+, which judging by this picture is movie about every white woman I’ve ever slept with. Cool.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week marks the 65th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. I just wish that all black people could follow her example of sitting down and shutting up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffery Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh. The palm beach mansion once owned by Jeffery Epstein will soon be demolished. And I’m honestly shocked that they would demolish a place where I have so many fond memories. Rest in power, king.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Creed’s front man Scott Stapp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: God! It was announced that Creed’s singer Scott Stapp will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. But the good news is Sammy Davis Jr. will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well guys, barring a reverse Christmas miracle, this is the last Weekend Update with Donald Trump still in office. Now, as a president, he was mostly bad. But there were a few bright spots. So, before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, I just want to take a moment to recognize some of his greatest moments in office.

[Cut to a slide show of nice pictures of Donald Trump during his presidency.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. So America, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it’s happened. And then, probably cry a little bit. I don’t know. I’m still working it out with my therapist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence getting vaccine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine Friday which is the first time he has ever been okay with using protection. Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, “I didn’t feel a thing”, which is also what he told himself over and over again after saw Harry Styles in a dress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some rail road tracks, received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday. Just to throw it in our faces, he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan.

[Picture changes to vaccine]

White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine which shocks me because knowing Trump, I thought for sure it would be done through a live Power Ball lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job Ivanka was qualified for. [Picture changes to girl holding the lottery number balls.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a pro Trump rally in Washington DC, protestors burned “Black Lives Matter” signs at two historic black churches. I don’t want to be too judgmental here but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you gotta stop and ask yourself, “Hey, am I the bad guy here?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jill Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wall Street Journal published an op-ed suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden stop using the term doctor because she has a PhD and is not a medical doctor. Though, she has at times functioned as a nurse. [picture changes to Jill Biden holding and supporting Joe Biden.]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that a system on the international space station that turns astronaut urine into drinking water could be used to provide clean water on earth. Which is the kind of amazing innovation that makes me think, “Wait, then what are astronaut brownies made of?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Tom Cruise was recorded on the set of the new Mission Impossible movie yelling at the crew for violating covid restrictions. Apparently, the crew was using camera tricks to make it appear like they were separated by six feet when in reality, it was closer to 5’4″.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mall Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Georgia say that more than 50 children may have been exposed to coronavirus by a mall Santa, which is the second worst thing a mall Santa can expose children to.

U.S.O. Performance

Colonel… Alex Moffat

Aubra July… Kristen Wiig

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Mikey Day

Andrew Dismukes

Marjorie… Dua Lipa

[Starts with Christmas Eve 1944. Two military men are dancing and the others are clapping. Then

Boys: [saluting] Sir!

Colonel: At ease, boys. Well, I hope to see those feet move that fast on the battle field.

Boys: Thank you sir. [They walk away]

Colonel: Can’t believe there’s this much talent in our very own 170 first division. And here to lift your spirits on Christmas Eve, you my recognize her from the medic tent. It’s nurse Aubra July.

[Aubra July walks in. She’s looking very pretty. The military men are clapping hard.]

Mikey: I like what I see

Andrew: Santa came after all.

Garrett: What a woman!

Aubra July: Well, I may be a lousy medic but let’s see if I can be half decent singer.

Colonel: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Simmer down, now, fellas. Just sit on your helmets and enjoy.

Aubra July: Now, I know you boys miss home this Christmas eve. Maybe you’re missing someone special. Well, I’ve got a song just for you. But first, I need a volunteer.

[All the military men are raising their hands]

Boys: Me! Me! Me!

Aubra July: How about you, handsome?

[Garrett walks to the stage]

Andrew: Private Garrett’s the toughest guy in our unit.

Mikey: Yeah. This should be gas.

Aubra July: Do you have heard the song “Love fight?”

Garrett: Maybe I head it when I was a boy. I’ll follow your lead.

Aubra July: It’s a shuffle on C, four on the floor, just stay on the rhythm and you can’t go wrong. Hit it.

[music playing]

Garrett: Hello.

Aubra July: Baby, listen. I ain’t coming home tonight.

Garrett: Boy, stop. Here we go with this mess again.

Aubra July: I mean it. I got work. Don’t wait up.

Garrett: Is that right? [singing] Coz I know that you’ve been hanging out all night

Aubra July: Well you know I cannot help that, I’m a man

Garrett: You can help the way you treat me

Aubra July: Woman, don’t please me

Garrett: I swear to you, I’ll walk away

Aubra July: [slaps Garrett] Shut your mouth, you’re pissing me off

[Aubra July and Garrett start dancing intimately. Even Garrett is acting like a woman.]

Both: Yeah, yeah
Doing me wrong and doing you right
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

[The boys are shocked]

Beck: Now, help me. Is this a play?

Kyle: I don’t know. But it sure is noisy.

Colonel: Well, whatever it is, Private Garrett is off book.

Mikey: Wait, so the girl is playing the boy and the boy is playing the girl?

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a lot going on.

Garrett: Quit your lying. My girlfriend saw Shanice you at the club.

Aubra July: She needs to get her eyes checked.

Garrett: She did. Yesterday.

Aubra July: [singing] I’ve given you all of me
my mind, my body, can’t you see?

Garrett: Then why does the car smell like sex
with girl that isn’t me?

Both: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah! 

Garrett: Break it down now, y’all.

Colonel: They are really nailing the coreo.

Mikey: But he got caught. Now he’s being mouthy.

Beck: He’s not going to change.

Kyle: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Andrew: Shh, she’s confronting him.

Garrett: Remind me, do you wear red satin panties?

Aubra July: Girl, you know I don’t.

Garrett: Then why did I find these in your briefcase?

[Marjorie walks in]

Marjorie: I’ve been looking for those.

Aubra July and Garrett: Marjorie?

[Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie start dancing sexy]

Beck: That must be the other woman.

Mikey: The one who stunk the car up?

Kyle: This is the moment of truth.

Aubra July: Baby, it ain’t what it looks like.

Marjorie: Oh, yeah? Because it looks bad?

Garrett: Consider this a warning.

Marjorie: You’re on notice.

Aubra July: How can I make it up to you both?

Marjorie: Why? It’s simple.

Garrett and Marjorie: Defeat the Nazis!

Aubra July: Mama, you ain’t saying nothing but a word.

Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah!
Doing me wrong and doing you right

[all the military men join them to dance] 
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

The Grinch

Dad… Mikey day

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Grinch… Pete Davidson

[Starts with story turning book pages.]

Male voice: And what happened then…? Well… in Who-wille they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He brought back the toys and the food for the feast! And he… he himself… carved the roast beast!

The next morning…

[Cut to a family in the Christmas morning. The kids are at the Christmas tree and their parents walk down.]

Dad: Good morning, kids.

Sister: Good morning, dad.

Brother: Good morning, mom.

Sister: You guys look tired.

Dad: Yeah. Mom and I had a little too much who-punch last night.

Mom: Haven’t partied like that in a while.

Brother: What did you guys do after we went to bed?

Dad: Don’t worry about that, buddy.

Sister: I thought it was so nice that Mr. Grinch came down to celebrate with us yesterday.

Brother: I always thought he was a rotten old meanie who is slimy like a snail, but boy was I wrong. He is great!

Dad: Yeah. He’s a cool guy. Oh, speak of the devil.

[Grinch is walking down the stairs]

Grinch: Morning.

Sister: Did you sleep over, Mr. Grinch?

Brother: And are you wearing my dad’s bathrobe?

Grinch: Well, the reason for that is–

Mom: You know, it was so late and Mr. Grinch lives way up on that curly mountains. And we just thought why not invite him to spend the night here? [Dad and Mom looking at each other happily] With us.

Grinch: Yeah. That’s it.

Brother: Well, wait. There’s only two bedrooms upstairs. Where did you sleep, Mr. Grinch?

Grinch: Someone want to take this one?

Dad: It doesn’t matter where Mr. Grinch slept. What matters is that yesterday, his heart grew three sizes.

Mom: It’s not the only thing that grew three sizes.

Grinch: Kathy. You’re bad.

Male voice: The Who Children puzzled over what had occurred. Unaware that their parents had brought in a third to spice up their marriage, why, it’s a cinch. All you need is some Who punch and a night… with the Grinch.

Grinch: Well, I should probably roll.

Mom: No, no, no. Stay. Have breakfast. I’m making green eggs and bacon.

[Grinch takes a seat in between Dad and Mom]

Grinch: Oh, okay. Well, I am pretty hungry.

Dad: I bet you are. You put in some work last night.

Mom: We all did.

Grinch: Well, if that was work then I guess I love my job.

Sister: What are you guys talking about?

Dad: Nothing. Hey, show Mr. Grinch the toys you got for Christmas, guys.

Brother: Okay.

Sister: Yeah.

Brother: We got whiz boppers, new sneedlers and I don’t know what this is but it looks fun. [pulls out a stick with a pointing hand on top.]

Dad: Okay. Don’t worry about that one, guys. That’s not a fun toy.

Mom: I thought it was pretty fun.

Grinch: Trust me, I remember.

Sister: I’m so tired. You woke me up last night, mommy.

Mom: Oh, no. I did? You didn’t come in our room, right?

Sister: No.

Mom: Oh. Thank god.

Sister: You kept screaming, “You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one.”

Mom: Well, mommy was just having a nightmare.

Brother: Daddy. Were you having a nightmare when you were yelling, “Punish me, my green king? Punish me, my green king?”

Grinch: And that’s my cue. I really should get back to my cave. My little A-hole dogs probably wondering where I am.

Mom: Aw!

Dad: Are you sure?

Grinch: Yeah. But hey, you know, thanks for the memories.

Mom: Well, don’t be a stranger.

[Mom and Grinch hug. Mom doesn’t let go of hug.]

Grinch: I probably should go.

[Dad gets in to hug as well.]

Dad: Well, no ones stopping you.

Brother: What are you guys doing?

Grinch: [yelling at the kids] Go outside and play!

[Dad, Mom and Grinch start making out.]

Secret Word Holiday Edition

Grand Choad… Kenan Thompson

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Elka Legerdi… Kate McKinnon

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Card Varks. But first, Secret Word.

[Cut to the show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play the game the stars play, “Secret Word”. With your host, Grand Choad.

Grand Choad: Alright. Welcome once again to “Secret Word”. I am Grand Choad. Today’s show is sponsored by Secretary Wax. Shine up those legs before your boss gets in Secretary Wax. Our first guest is a regular on the show and is best known for the work on Broadway Stage. Please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in[

Mindy Elise Grayson: Merry Christmas. My gift to you is me.

Grand Choad: Alright. Hello, Mindy. You seem excited to be here today.

[Mindy Elise Grayson takes a seat beside Lauren]

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am, Grant. I need money.

Grand Choad: Ha-ha. Terrific. We’re very lucky to have our next celebrity who’s making a rare public appearance. Please welcome Austrian-American actress and part time recluse, Elka Legerdi.

[Elka Legerdi walks in. She’s wearing sunglasses.]

Elka Legerdi: So many light and people on camera, this is all too much to bear.

Grand Choad: Well, it is great to meet you, Elka. I loved you in “Unresponsive Woman”.

[Elka Legerdi takes a seat beside Andrew]

Elka Legerdi: Thank you. Show business is a demon that eats you from the inside out until there’s nothing left but tears and dust.

Grand Choad: Okay. And you are Austria’s leading comedic actress?

Elka Legerdi: That is correct.

Grand Choad: Alright. All of today’s secret words are Christmas themed. Mindy, your team is up first. Are you ready to play?

Mindy Elise Grayson: We are. Let’s do this.

Grand Choad: Alright. 15 seconds on the clock, please.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘wrap’.

Grand Choad: And remember, Mindy. Don’t say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I’m not going to, grant. I know what I’m doing. Right. How much time is left?

Grand Choad: Five seconds.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, well I better get to it. Let’s see. Wrap.

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I did. I am sorry. It’s the actress in me. I see letters and turn them into emotions. Just like I did in the play “Alls well that ends well”, a story of a blind girl who flips in to a well. Mama, where am I? The walls are wet. Who’s bucket is this? Mama! The New York times said, “Oh-oh!”

Grand Choad: Fantastic. Alright. Let’s go over to Elka’s team. Elka, are you going to give or receive?

Elka Legerdi: I have nothing left to give but if you ask, I will comply.

Grand Choad: It’s a very fun outlook. Let’s put 15 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is “Poinsettia”.

Elka Legerdi: I don’t know this word.

Andrew: Poinsettia?

[buzzer sound.]

Grand Choad: Just do another one.

Male voice: The secret word is “Ho ho ho”.

Elka Legerdi: Okay. This is hard in my accent but moo moo moo.

Andrew: I don’t understand.

Elka Legerdi: Moo moo moo.

Andrew: Yeah, I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! She’s saying “Ho ho ho.”

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy! Alright, Elka. You lost that point.

Elka Legerdi: What’s the point of anything?

Grand Choad: Okay. I wish there was a third team to go, but all we have is Mindy.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am ready to give again.

Lauren: When is it my turn?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ha-ha-ha. That’s exactly what I said at my very first Hollywood orgy. You have to network.

Grand Choad: Our next clue is a Christmas phrase. Let’s hear it.

Male voice: The secret phrase is “Trimming the tree”.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh. Maybe I’m screwed but I don’t know why anyone would want to do this to a tree. I mean if you wanted to practice but I think you just get splinters in your mouth.

Lauren: I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! I’m sorry. My thumb, on the screen was covering up the first ‘T’. It’s ‘Trimming’. Trimming the tree.

Grand Choad: Um, this is the Christmas show. It’s Christmas.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I understand. I’m sorry. I biffed it. Just like I biffed my entire performance in the broadway musical flop “Mumbai Suzie and the Vindiloo Crew”, the story of a poor teen who left her strict Indian parents to open a curry cart in the big city of Bombay. He’s the 11 o’clock number. Hit it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m moving out Mumbai, mom bye!
I’ll be home forGrand Choad Christmas dad bye, dad bye

Grand Choad: No. That is not okay. Not even for the time we’re supposed to be in. And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break.

Elka Legerdi: I had fun.

Grand Choad: Well, I’m glad. We’ll be right back after this.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi walk up front]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, watch us move it.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi start dancing]