High School Theatre Show with Reese Witherspoon

Aidy Bryant

Reese Witherspoon

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

Aidy: Good afternoon and welcome to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Reese: Written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping] [Cut to Aidy and Reese]

Aidy: Now, today’s show isn’t just a show. It’s also a seed.

Reese: A seed that will sprout change in our town and hopefully the whole world.

Aidy: And now, without further due, please enjoy the pulse of progress, heart beat of change.

[music playing] [the light dims and other student members enter the stage] [The lights are on again. Taran is sitting on a box while others are looking at him.]

Kyle: The time, now. The place, any high school in America.

[Kyle walks to another box]

Reese: [pointing at Taran]Who is that guy?

Aidy: He’s weird.

Kate: He’s a nerd.

Reese: He’ll never be anything.

Kyle: But what happens if we fast forward thirty years?

Kate: Who’s that guy?

[Taran stands up]

Reese: He is… the President.

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie in the audience]

Bobby: Your daughter’s really good.

Leslie: She is my step daughter, and no, she’s not!

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone are standing behind the boxes but Aidy.]

Aidy: [gesturing typing on computer] Check out this new dress I got.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I had a rough day today. Feeling kind of sad.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I need some help. I think I’m depressed.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Taran: [walking towards Aidy] Next time, don’t like. Love!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Oh, no! You’re gonna be in the play, aren’t you?

Beck: Um, no! I’m just a regular audience, guys!

Leslie: No, you’re not! You’re sitting too far forward. You just gonna suck!

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone are posing around the boxes.]

Kate: How many times a day do you judge a book by it’s cover? [Kate jumps to Kyle] Excuse me, sir. Are you homeless?

Kyle: No, I’m just cold. I’m very rich.

Everybody: Wow!

[Kate walks to Reese]

Kyle: Excuse me ma’am. Are you rich?

Reese: No, I just have good posture. I’m homeless.

Everybody: Wow!

Kyle: Audience member, are you enjoying the play?

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Here we go.

Beck: Actually, I’m not an audience member. I’m in the play.

[Cut to the stage]

Everybody: Wow!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: Who is this play for?

Bobby: The program says that it is dedicated to John Lenon and Shonda Rhimes.

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting.]

Aidy: Whisper. Whisper.

Everybody: [following Aidy] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Shout!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: How long have they been rehearsing this?

Bobby: Every single day for a year.

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone is standing.]

Taran: Did you hand in that paperwork?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Kyle: Did you finish those files?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [louder] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Aidy: Did you see your daughter’s first steps?

Reese: No.

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [slowly] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Bobby: I mean, is no one supervising this? I mean where is their teacher?

[Cecily leans towards Bobby’s ear from behind]

Cecily: Trust me. I made cuts.

[Cecily smokes and leans back.] [Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting on the boxes.]

Aidy: Bang!

Reese: Bang!

Kyle: Bang!

Kate: Bang!

Beck: Bang!

Taran: Bang!

[Everyone stands up]

Aidy: And guess what?

Everybody: We were black.

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: [standing] Yeah, I’m not okay with that.

[Cut to the stage] [Everybody bowing down]

Aidy: Thank you. It is now time for a brief intermission during which we will all be laying on stage asleep like our congress

Reese: Feel free to come up here and look at us up close.

[the student performers pretend that they’re asleep] [Leslie walks in front of the stage]

Leslie: Man, screw this. I’m going home to watch Judge Judy.

[The End]

Jingle Writers

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Fayanne… Aidy Bryant

Venerra… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with Elite Advertising Agency]

Taran: Alright, guys. [Cut to Taran speaking to Kyle and Kate in the office] As you know, Landing Pampers, it’s very important to the company. So, we actually decided to bring in a couple of jingle writers to help us out.

[Cut to Taran] They’ve been out of the game for while, but they come very highly recommended. [talking to the assistant through phone] Sujan, you wanna send them in please?

[Cut to the office. Fayanne and Venerra walk in. They look like hippies.]

Fayanne: Hello, hello everyone.

Venerra: Hello.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

My name is Fayanne.

Venerra: Yes, and I am Venerra. And we are the best jingle writers in town. You ever heard of, [singing jingle] “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.”

Fayanne: [singing jingle] Chilling!

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, wow! So, you guys wrote that?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Ah, no. We wish.

Venerra: We’ve actually been out of the jingle writing scene for quite a while.

Fayanne: Yes, it got too crazy. You know the jingle scene. It’s Coke for breakfast and ash for dinner.

Venerra: So, we’ve been living off the grid in the desert for the last two years.

Fayanne: Yes, but now we are back for pampers.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Well, we are very excited to hear your jingle.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, here it is. Sweet, pure pampers.

[Venerra plays the piano and Fayanne sings. It sounds like a sad song.] [singing] The desert echo screams like a hell-burn born of sand

he bites into the flesh of the diamond rattle snake

and with the taste of blood he cries

for pampers!

Venerra: Thank you.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kyle: Um, I think pampers would want a more traditional jingle.

Kate: Yeah, do you even know anything about diapers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Of course.

Venerra: Yes, yes. In the desert, Fayanne and I had to drink each other’s urine.

Fayanne: Yes. So, in a way, we were each other’s diapers.

Venerra: And that experience allowed us to write this next perfect jingle.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Is it too late to say no?

[Cut to everybody. Fayanne and Venerra are playing piano and singing. It’s a happy song now.]

Venerra: [singing] It’s a sunny day, smile

It’s a sunny day, smile

every day is sunny if you have a smile

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Okay, I like this.

[suddenly the music becomes sad]

Venerra: [singing] The dessert pig has fire eyes

as it’s seen a thousand deaths

[Venerra runs to Taran and sings to him]

nothing soothes it’s black end sole

except pampers!

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Um, are you sure you two are the top jingle writers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Venerra: Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard of this one? [singing jingle] “Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, it’s Papa Johns.”

[Cut to Taran looking speechless]

Taran: That’s the McDonald’s jingle.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Urgh! You sound like Papa Johns.

Venerra: Now, if you’ll indulge us, we have one more song.

Fayanne: Yes. Imagine tiny clean fresh babies playing in sunlight. And then, you hear…

[Fayanne starts playing piano and singing the sad song] [singing] I gave birth on a desert rock

and the baby cried for death

Venerra: We needed food so very bad

we even had to eat a diaper!

[Cut to Kyle and Kate shaking their heads no.] [Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: The vultures clawed out our eyes

and we screamed out for mercy

Fayanne and Venerra: And pampers!

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: We accept personal checks and sacagawea coins only.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: You need to leave now.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, if you change your mind, just whisper our name to an owl.

[The End]