Tag: Kyle Mooney

Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]

Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.

[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]

[Cheers and applause]

Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.

Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.

Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.

[Cut to the reporters]

Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.

Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.

[Gordon Sondland walks in]

I’m holding everybody up, okay?

Gordon Sondland: No.

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to the reporters]

Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”

[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]

Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?

Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.

Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—

Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.

Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Pizza Ad

Director… Mikey Day

Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Richard… Will Farrell

Daughter… Heidi Gardner

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]

Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.

Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.

Son: It’s legit, like, good.

[Cut to Director]

Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.

Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”

Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: No! Oh, my god!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!

[Cut to Director]

Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!

[Cut to
Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: This is so good.

Son: Best pizza ever!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]

Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?

Mrs. Richard: No!

Director: You don’t?

Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.

Director: Are you doing okay mom?

Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.

Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom, be happy. Please.

[Cut to Director]

Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!

[Cut to the Richard’s family]

Director: How about some pepperoni?

Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!

Son and Daughter: Alright!

Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.

Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.

Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?

Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!

Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Mom, what?

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.

Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.

[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.]

[Cut to Director]

Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]

Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Dad! Awkward!

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]

Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!

Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]

Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?

Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.

[Mrs. Richard walks in]

Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!

Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.

Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.

Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.

[Cut to the Richards]

Mrs. Richard: What did you say?

Daughter: You’re our mom.

Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.

Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!

Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?

All: Yeah!

Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.

[Cheers and applause]

Heinz

Greg… Will Farrell

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people having thanksgiving dinner.]

Announcer: It’s thanksgiving. And it wouldn’t be the holidays without Heinz.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Honey, could you pass the ketchup?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m just happy that we’re all together for thanksgiving.

[Cut to Greg squeezing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a fart.]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck: Whoa, easy there, Greg.

[everybody laughing]

[Cut to Greg looking embarrassed.]

Greg: That wasn’t me. It was the ketchup bottle.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you sure about that, dad?

[everybody laughing]

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: [seriously] Yeah, I’m very sure. [everybody stop laughing] I didn’t cut a fart at thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn’t do that. It’s not who I am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, dad, we know.

Announcer: It happens every year. The ketchup bottle makes an innocent noise and everyone thinks you ripped one at the dinner table. [Cut to Greg sitting on a sofa thinking about it.] They say they believe you, [cut to Chris and Melissa laughing] but you know what they’re thinking. It’s made every thanksgiving a living hell. [Cut to a video clip of Heinz Relax ketchup bottle.] Until now. Introducing Heinz relax. The ketchup you know and love without the uncomfortable noise. Now when you squeeze the bottle, it’s simply lets out a relaxing sigh.

[Cut to people having thanksgiving dinner.] So, this thanksgiving, things Greg be different.

Greg: Honey, can you pass the ketchup?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Sure.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Can I say I am so grateful to be here—

[Cut to Greg pressing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a girl moaning.]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: What was that?

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: That was a soothing sound of Heinz relax. Looks like this bottle’s almost empty.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: That sounds like—

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: A relaxed sigh. I know.

[Cut to Chris]

Chirs: That ain’t what that sounds like.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Hey, everyone just… [showing the Heinz Relax bottle] relax.

Announcer: Spare yourself from further embarrassment with our whole family of Heinz relax products. Glass bottles. [sounds like men groaning when tapped at the back] Mustard. Even Mayo. [sounds like male moaning] Ohh!

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle: Mom, can I be excused?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Absolutely. [Kyle takes Heine relax bottle with him.] Wait, where are you going with that?

Kyle: My room?

Aidy: No. Put that down.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: The boy loves ketchup, just like his own man.

Announcer: Heinz relax. Now available at your local supermarket. Must be 18 or older to buy.

Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]

[Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

[Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!

[singing]

There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Cut for Time Jason

Jason… Harry Styles

Scotty… Kyle Mooney

Colby… Chris Redd

[Starts with a video clip of a school]

[bell rings]

[Cut to the students at their lockers]

[Scotty is at his locker. Jason and his friends walk near him.]

Bryan: Hey, Jason. Look, it’s your lame older brother.

Jason: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. What’s up, Scotty?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Nothing. Okay?

Jason’s friend: So, Scotty, does it suck to know that your little brother is more popular that you?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I don’t care about popularity.

Bryan: Then, [Cut to everybody] I guess you don’t care about this.

[Jason’s friend pours his drink on Scotty’s head]

Jason: Take it easy, Bryan! Hey, Scotty, mom asked me to take out the trash, but we’re going to go watch that new action movie with all the girls. Will you do me solid?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Sure, Jason. Have fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Jason: Thanks! I owe you big bro.

[Jason and his friends leave]

[Music stars]

[Cut to the music video]

Scotty: Jason thinks he’s so damn cool,

he’s a freshman, I’m a senior at school

‘friends’, I guess he’s got quite a few

I don’t have many but it’s nothing new

because I’m unique, and I’m on my own path

I draw castles, write stories in class

to me that’s cool, I’m not causing trouble with the buddies

or kissing girls and being cute and funny

the wrestling team is also a source

but he made Varsity, I did not!

It hurt me, and I feel so alone,

and the worst thing is, Jason lives at my home.

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

J-J-Jason, you’re not that cool

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

you should go to another school

Jason thinks he’s cool because he tried beer,

but I got news for you, right here!

It’s not cool! Because you’re under age

Follow rules like me and stay safe

Now, that’s cool, so is reading for pleasure

imagining the world, now that’s a treasure,

also, I’m pretty sure mom loves you more than me…

anyway, here’s a rap by Colby

[Colby enters]

Colby: Ya’ll know me.

Scotty: Colby!

Colby: L-i-t-t-l-e brother, another boy that came from your mother

but me? I only have a dog and a kitty cat

they’re my brothers but you think about dad

Scotty: What? No! The song isn’t about animals. It’s about my little brother. And why was it so short?

Colby: Sorry man! I was really busy this week.

Scotty: Forget it! Let’s just do our flows.

Colby: Alright!

[Colby and Scotty start somersaulting]

Jason: Yo, Scotty!

[Cut to Jason walks to Scotty in the school]

I’m sorry about my friends. Do you want to come and see the movie with us? It’s supposed to be the most exposed they’ve ever had!

Scotty: No way! Don’t you get it? You and your friends are bad people. Sometimes I wish you had never been born.

Jason: Oh! Okay!

[Music starts]

[Cut to the music video of Jason]

Jason: Scotty, can’t you see?

you’re the guy I wish I could be

stories and drawings and all of your books

I take it all over my good looks

the pressure to be the coolest of class

it’s not worth it and I know it won’t last

yes, I’ve had sex and it feels great

the girl’s body, butt, the shape

it’s amazing, a ride like no other

except for when you’re hanging with your brother

but back to sex, such a good feeling

call me pig-boy because you know I’ll be squealing

back to you, number 1 big bro,

I love you Scotty, just had to let you know

[Cut to the school]

Jason: So, what do you say? Movie?

Scotty: I guess my answer is…

[Cut to Scotty’s music video]

Scotty: Yes!

[Cut to the school]

Jason: Great!

[Colby joins with his cat and dog]

Colby: What about me?

Jason: Yeah, right! I’m going to go with Colby instead.

[Colby passes his dog and cat to Scotty]

[Jason and Colby leave]

[Even the cat Colby left pours a drink on Scotty’s head]

[Bell rings]

Days of Our Impeachment Cold Open

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Jim Jordan… Mikey Day

Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong

Bill Taylor

Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon

Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with an intro]

Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.

Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.

Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.

Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.

Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.

Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.

Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.

Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.

Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.

[Cut to the impeachment]

Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: It is.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound]

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]

Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints]

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look  at the facts but no.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]

Bill Taylor: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]

Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again]

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?

Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.

Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.

Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–

Unknown voice: Not so fast!

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]

Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.

Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.

[Cut to everybody]

Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?

Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.

Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?

Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]

Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?

Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound]

[Cut to everybody]

Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.

[They kiss]

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.

[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]

Myles Garrett : Enough!

Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]

Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?

Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—

Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!

Joan Song

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Doug… Harry Styles

[Starts with Joan sitting on a sofa]

[Music playing]

Joan: Hi, I’m Joan and I currently live alone

in a small nice home

nobody calls me on the telephone

so, it’s me and just me

I used to live with my boyfriend Steve

but Steve chose to leave

because he found me boring and additionally he was Cheating on me

but I’ll be okay

I found a new guy I like better anyway

he’s hot, oh, he’s hot

He likes my body and my personality a lot

[Joan is carrying a Chihuahua]

My dog is my boyfriend

we are in love

he’s a 12-pound Chihuahua

found him on the street and I named him Doug

Doug I love you

I love you big fat neck

Doug is my new boyfriend

don’t worry we don’t have sex

Doug likes romance

Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France

Doug, we just kiss

we talk for hours then I take him out to piss

he watches me while I get ready

then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti

OH, Doug, how I wish you could speak

Even for a moment just to make a squeak

I think I know what you’d say

but I like to imagine it anyway

[The Chihuahua grows to a human being (Harry Styles)]

(Doug) Harry Styles: Joan I love you

I love the way you feed me ham

You’re my life, my love, my everything.

I love you just the way you am

The taste of your bathroom garbage

sends me into overdrive

I’m terrified of vacuum’s

but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive

Joan and Doug: We are in love we are in love

until our dying day

[Cut to Joan in her room singing]

Joan: You are so cool and so funny

in every single way

[Cut to Doug and Joan]

Both: I get to stars we kiss the sky

and together we’ll live forever

Doug: Joan I have to go back.

Joan: No, why?

Doug: They said could I only be a man of an hour.

Joan: But who said that?

Doug: God, and his friends.

Joan: Fine, if that’s how it has to be.

Doug: But wait, before I go I have to tell you something.

Joan: Anything.

Doug: I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It’s caused a blockage in my intestines and it will cost you $8,000. I’m sorry Joan.

Joan: It’s okay Doug, you’re worth it.

[With all the lightnings, Doug changes back to a Chihuahua]

Joan: Doug I love you

You love me too that’  know

You’re not just my boyfriend

to me you’re the best in show

I love you, Doug

New Paint

Beth… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

Johnny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of outside of house]

[Cut to inside the house.
[Beth is bringing snacks for Tom and Kristen]

Beth: Now this cheese is a Roquefort and a little bit of jam.

Tom: Yum, thanks sis. We’ve been so busy with the baby. it’s been forever since we’ve been here.

Kristen: Beth, your living room looks amazing. You painted.

Beth: I did.

Tom: Is it Benjamin Moore?

Beth: Benjamin Moore? [Cut to Beth] Baby brother, in this house I only use Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to everyone]

Kristen: Farrow&Ball, I don’t know that.

Beth: Oh, well you should. [Cut to Beth] It’s the high end British paint company that offers unparalleled depth in colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, nice.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Each of their 132 colours colors work beautifully in new homes, both old and new.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: It sounds like you’re saying the word color but with the “U” in it.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, I am. That colour on the baseboard there is named after the fossils often found on the Dorset coast. And the wall colour, well that’s “Nobel blue” named after the Swirling British mists. What a colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Maybe we should try Farrow&Ball.

Tom: yeah, maybe we should. Is it expensive?

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Well, it’s premium. I mean you’re paying for quality.

Tom: Yeah, but how much is it, like $50 a gallon?

Kristen: No, that’s crazy, it’s just paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: This is not just paint. It’s Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Well, how much is it, Beth? $60?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: It’s $110 a gallon.

[Cut to everybody]

Tom: What! $110 for a can of paint, are you insane?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No, I’m not insane.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: How much did it cost to paint this room, $800?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you have to have the special primer, the brushes, and the factor in the shipping and the labour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: They ship the paint? How much is that?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you can’t just buy it anywhere. Look at the depth of colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: You can’t afford this, Charlotte. You are an out of work day bartender.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Wrong, I’m an aspiring estate manager.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: What is an estate manager?

Tom: She thinks she’s going to find a rich person and just live in their house. You are living in a dream world and you’ve painted it in that Jack Ass million dollar paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Don’t touch it! You’ll ruin it.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: You can’t touch the paint?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No. The finish is delicate. Once it’s touched, it must be redone.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Do you have any of the money mom left you?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No.

Tom: No?

Beth: I don’t mean no. I mean I don’t know.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Don’t you rent this house?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: So? What does that mean?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: It means you going to have to paint it back whatever colour– Now I’m saying it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Everyone just calm down.

Beth: He just wants me to live in Squalour.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Can you guys all keep it down a little? I’m trying to sleep a little.

Tom: Who is this?

Beth: This is my friend.

Johnny: Johnny.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you sleeping with him?

[Cut to Beth and Johnny]

Beth: Of course. We met on Facebook marketplace.

Johnny: Just a little quiet, you guys.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god. What is your life?

Kristen: Beth, we’re not mad, just a little worried about you.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Oh, don’t you effing judge me right now.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, I know we haven’t always gotten along, but we haven’t been around much because of the baby.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: The baby’s not even his.

Tom: What?

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, that’s not what we’re talking about right now, we’re talking about Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: I’m not talking about Farrow&Ball anymore. I’m talking about how that baby has your trainer’s eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you drunk?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Yes! I was good for the first couple of minute buy yes, I am drunk. Now tell him.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Beth!

Beth: Tell him. Look in his eyes, Tom.

Kristen: No, no, he’s sleeping, don’t look at his eyes.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Look at the colour of his eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Kristen: You’re dead.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Oh, you want to go, let’s go. Just don’t bump into the paint or you’ll ruin it.

[Beth and Kristen start fighting]

Tom: Go for it, Beth.

Female voice: Farrow&Ball, each colour tells a story.

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe]

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

[Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody]

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony

Duolingo for Talking to Children

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Stewart

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video of a in house get together. Aidy is introducing her son to her friends]

Aidy: These are mommy’s co-workers. [Cut to Kenan, Kristen and Alex] Can you say hi?

Kenan: What’s up, buddy, you’re looking fresh.

[Cut to the boy laughing]

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, you look nice.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: All right. Give me high five, buddy. [Alex and the boy gives high-five to each other] Ow, too strong.

Kenan: I bet you played football, right? [The boy nods his head]

Kristen: Yeah, and you go to school. That sucks.

[Cut to Aidy confused]

[Cut to Kristen]

Do you wear your clothes to school?

[The boy is scared of Kristen]

[Aidy takes her son away]

[Cut to Kristen]

Female voice: You have no idea how to talk to children?

[Kristen shakes her head ‘No’]

Does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t?

[Kristen nods her head ‘Yes’]

It’s never too late to learn.

[Cut to iPad with an app “Duolingo”]

With the new duolingo for talking to children. The first app for grown people who need to learn how to talk to kids because their friends are starting to have them. Practice just five minutes a day and you’ll be a brat whisperer in no time.

[Cut to Kristen practicing in a cafe]

Kristen: Very cool, bud. Very cool, bud. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. I like your backpack.

Female voice: The one thing you know about talking to kids is you’re not allowed to call girls pretty but then it’s like, “What do you say?”

[Cut to a woman brings her daughter to Kristen in her office]

Kristen: You look not pretty. I mean, you’re smart. I mean, you’re an engineer one day.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you okay?

Kristen: I got this. [Cut to Kristen. She opens the app.] Just one second, sorry. Cool backpack!

[Cut to the girl smiling]

Female voice: Get a better sense of kids. Get a better sense of kids’ ages.

Voice from app: Identify the 12-year-old. Correct!

Female voice: Practice traditional greeting.

Voice from app: I got your nose!

Female voice: Build your stamina for long, meandering, pointless stories.

[Cut to Kristen and a girl speaking]

The girl: I really like the pizza they have too.

[Kristen looks at the app]

Kristen: Cool!

Female voice: In as little as six weeks you’ll be ready for all kinds of kinder conversations like friends new baby, the bus, dance recitals, child falls on sidewalk in front of you, public restaurants, airport gates, hot tub at vacation resorts, and child wearing big pink dress. Let’s face it. Kids are bad conversationalists. But you don’t have to be.

[Cut back to Aidy’s house with colleagues]

Kristen: So, I bet you like chicken fingers.

[Aidy’s son nods his head ‘Yes’]

[Cut to Kyle walking to the boy]

Kyle: Hey, high five.

[Kyle puts his palm near the boy’s face]

Too slow.

[Kyle is upset he can’t impress the boy]

[Cut to Kristen showing Kyle her app]

Female voice: Duo lingo for talking to kids, also available in–